Mad Kane’s Political Madness

Can you imagine the reaction if a Democratic candidate made a Mitt Romney type consult the lawyers before launching a war remark?  Republicans wouldn’t be guilty of a double standard, would they?

First Kill All The Lawyers (Republican Policy)

First Consult All The Lawyers (Mitt Romney Policy)

First Kill All The Democrat Lawyers (Revised Republican Policy)

(You can find more of my legal humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Mitt Romney, Legal Humor, Republicans & Lawyers, GOP & Attorneys, Debate Humor, GOP Hypocrisy

At long last, the real reason George W. Bush vetoed SCHIP:

SCHIP HAIKU
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bush vetoed S-CHIP
Cuz he had a better plan:
No Child Left Alive.

(You can find more of my health humor here.) 

Update:
Ayn Clouter seasons
Her blog with parody poems,
Inspiring laughter.

Why did I post a haiku about Ayn Clouter?  Because she responded to my SCHIP haiku with some haiku of her own.

Technorati Tags: SCHIP Humor, Children’s Health Insurance Plan

Dear Rudy,

You really need to stop taking cell phone calls from your latest wife while you’re on stage giving a speech. It’s weird, rude and, in a post-9/11 world, it just ain’t cool.

You probably think it makes you look relaxed and confident. And you’re also hoping to burnish your image with the family values crowd, by making people think you’re still on speaking terms with somebody in your family.  (Fess up Rudy: Who was really on the phone during your NRA speech?  Your secretary?  Wife Number — what would the next one be — Four?

In any event, these staged on-stage calls from your “wife” simply have to stop.  Aside from the weird/rude/uncool problem, people are starting to suspect that you’re afraid not to take them.

Sorry Rudy, but looking henpecked is no way to out-macho Hillary.

Let me put it this way: Can you imagine George Dubya taking a call from Laura in the middle of a press conference or during his State of the Union Address?  Of course not! (From Mommy Barb maybe, but that topic’s way above my pay grade.)

Speaking of President Bush, if you’re anywhere near him, I must advise you to duck: The guy has a thing for fondling bald pates. And yes — that’s rude too.

Bye for now, Rudy.  But if you (or your scary wife Judi) have any more etiquette questions, Miss Madness is here for you. 

Sincerely,

Miss Madness

P.S.  I practice divorce law too.

(For more Rudy cell phone rudeness humor, visit Don Davis at Satirical Political.)  

Technorati Tags: Rudy Giuliani Rudeness,  Cell Phone Etiquette, Rudy & Judi, NRA Speech, Rudy V. Hillary, Henpecked Humor,  Presidential Campaign, Election Satire,

I don’t mean to cast aspersions on short people.  (I’m only five foot zero myself.)  But I have a totally unsubstantiated theory, and here it is: Republican politicians are, on average, shorter than Democratic politicians.  (Can you think of a better explanation for the over-compensating machismo and braggadocio that run rampant throughout the Republican party?)

Case in point: Rudy “Bald Ego” Giuliani, who out-did himself Wednesday during his European tour: 

LONDON - Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani bragged about his international celebrity Wednesday on a trans-Atlantic campaign trip in which he schmoozed with conservative idol Margaret Thatcher.

“I’m probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world,” Giuliani told a small group of reporters at a posh London hotel as onlookers gathered in the lobby to gawk at actor Dustin Hoffman who was on a separate visit.

And that leads me to my latest haiku:

The Rudy Complex
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Giuliani brags
About how famous he is.
Like Napoleon?

So who’s ready to fund my “Are Republicans Shorter Than Democrats” study?  Nobody?  How about my “Are Republicans Balder Than Democrats” study?  

Technorati Tags: GOP Braggart, Mayor Rudy Guiliani, Overcompensation, Republican Humor, Height, Macho Politicians

I just couldn’t resist writing some limericks about the hypocritical, gay-bashing Senator Larry Craig:

A Trio Of Limericks For Idaho Senator Larry Craig
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Craig confessed to a crime in the loo
He proclaims that he never would do,
Cuz he’s straight as can be:
He was just there to pee,
And perversions he’d always eschew.

When Larry was under arrest,
He was stressed, which is why he confessed.
All his actions are pure
And he’s really demure
And not gay … except when undressed.

Larry Craig says he has a wide stance
In the john when he zips down his pants:
He’s an innocent man.
His arrest in the can
Was an error, cuz Craig ain’t no nance.

Technorati Tags: Idaho Senator, Larry Craig, Wide Stance, Anti-Gay Politicians, Anti-Gay Legislation

Poor Alberto Gonzales!  During those countless (and fruitless) Congressional hearings, Gonzales had but one job — protect George Bush.  And so he lied, obfuscated, feigned amnesia, and did everything he could to muddy the truth.  Consequently, this George Bush line, made during the Gonzales resignation announcement, made me laugh out loud:

It’s sad that we live in a time when a talented and honorable person like Al Gonzales is impeded from doing good work because his good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons. 

Of course, the obvious question is “What good name?” But putting that aside,  Bush fails to mention the provenance of all that mud. This haiku should explain it:

Dub’s dirty secrets
Created the “mud” Bush claims
Gonzales dragged through.

(You can find more of my Alberto Gonzales humor and poems here.)

Technorati Tags: Alberto Gonzales, Resignation, Al Gonzales Good Name, Congressional Hearings, Gonzales Verse, Gonzales Poetry, Gonzales Haiku, Gonzales Lies, Gonzales Amnesia

Can we ever get rid of Bush’s spinmeister cronies?  Apparently not.  Sure, they eventually quit.  But they stubbornly refuse to stay quit. 

Remember when Karen Hughes resigned amidst all sorts of hoopla? Well, she stayed away for roughly a nanosecond and she’s currently with the State Department, “leading efforts to promote America’s values.”

And now the dishonorable Ari Fleischer has resurfaced and, once again, he’s flacking George Bush’s needless war, via the White House front group Freedom’s Watch.

I thought I’d celebrate Ari’s comeback with a limerick: 

Why I No Longer Get Excited When Bush Cronies Quit
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bush spinmeisters keep coming back:
First Karen returned. What a hack!
Now Ari is here,
Spreading war lies and fear.
Guess they don’t really leave; they just pack.

=========

And now some links, for your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* The Buzzflash Media Putz of the Week
* Don Davis’s Bush Explains His ‘Domino’ Theory of Vietnam
* skippy has lots of fun at Mitt Romney’s expense
* Norm at OneGoodMove has the Daily Show’s Samantha Bee commenting on Bush’s vacation record
* Digby on Michael McConnell and retroactive immunity for private companies
* All Hat No Cattle presents Bush’s History
* Carnival of Satire
* Carnival of the Decline of Democracy 

Technorati Tags: Freedom’s Watch, White House Front Group Bush Spinmeisters, Ari Fleischer, Karen Hughes, Bush Spokesman Humor, Bush Flacks, Bush Cronies

I wasn’t surprised to hear that Tony Snow plans to leave his Bush spokesperson gig when his “money runs out,” and possibly as early as September.

In fact, the only thing that surprised me was that he came back to his White House job at all after his latest bout with cancer.  I can’t imagine anyone with a life-threatening illness wanting to spend what could possibly be his last years or even months being a Bush patsy on a government salary. And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Yet Another Snow Job?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bush spokesman, ex-Foxer named Snow
Is quite ill and is planning to go.
Must be stressful to lie
Ev’ry day for that guy.
Why not do it for big network dough?

Technorati Tags: Tony Snow, White House Spokesman, Bush Spokesman, Snow Resignation, Fox Cable News

Do you think the long-awaited General David H. Petraeus’s Iraq surge report will “see” as much “tangible progress” as Petraeus claimed to see in the election-influencing op ed he wrote for the Washington Post back on September 26, 2004?

Will it be a “clear-eyed report from a top general” accurately assessing military progress?  A report that even approaches the honest document Bush promised in order to buy himself a lot more time? 

Hahahahaha!

Anyone who nurtured even the slightest fantasy that the Petraeus assessment would be the real deal, now must surely know otherwise:

Despite Bush’s repeated statements that the report will reflect evaluations by Petraeus and Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, administration officials said it would actually be written by the White House, with inputs from officials throughout the government.

And though Petraeus and Crocker will present their recommendations on Capitol Hill, legislation passed by Congress leaves it to the president to decide how to interpret the report’s data.

So why is Petraeus sacrificing what little remains of his integrity by letting the White House author his report?  Yes, you guessed it — it’s time for another poll:

(You can catch up with my previous polls here. And check out Petraeus’ Report To Be Cribbed From … ‘Monarch Notes’.)

Technorati Tags: General David Petraeus, Petraeus Iraq Surge Report, George Bush, Tangible Progress, Petraeus Poll

Okay, so Karl Rove has resigned to spend more time with his family. Yeah … right.  This calls for a poll, don’t you think?

(My Bush impeachment poll is still open for business, and you can find my Bush’s Brain limerick here..)

Technorati Tags: Karl Rove’s Resignation, Bush’s Brain Resigns, Polls, Polling, Humor

According to Americablog, CNN’s Ed Henry has reported that Bush now has a spanking new (and personal) press briefing room podium.

I guess the podium used by Tony Snow and Dana Perino must have cooties. Or perhaps they’re hiding some sort of electronic “dictate the answers to Bush” equipment inside his personal podium. On the other hand, this just might be Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location.

Bush on his podium
Fills me with odium.
Pass the Imodium.

Technorati Tags: Bush Podium, Bush Press Conferences, Cheney Undisclosed Location, Tony Snow, Dana Perino

Alberto Gonzales is but one of the Bushie liars and Bush enablers whose Congressional hearing testimony can be summarized by this limerick: 

Every Bushie’s Testimony Summed Up In A Single Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Don’t recall, don’t remember, can’t say
What I did or I said on that day.
But I happily swear
On the life of ma mère,
I did nothing that’s wrongful.  No way!”

(You can find more of my Gonzales satire here, my legal humor here, and my limericks and other satirical verse here.)

UPDATE: Don’t forget to vote in my Bush Impeachment Poll!

Technorati Tags: Bushies, Liars, Congressional Testimony, Senate Testimony, House Testimony, Senate Hearings, House Hearings, Deposition Humor, Subpoena Satire, Bush Cheney Administration, Bush Enablers, Convenient Memory, Alberto Gonzales, Gonzo, Liars

Requisite Bush colonoscopy snark:

Dick Cheney’s in charge
While George Bush is unconscious.
How’s this day different…?

(You can find more of my news haiku here.)

Technorati Tags: President Bush, VP Cheney, Bush Colonoscopy, Bush Snark, Politics Haiku 

Remember when the Republican majority flipped out at the mere whisper of the word filibuster? Remember when GOPers led by Bill Frist, Mitch McConnell, and Trent Lott threatened the “nuclear option” if Democrats had the audacity to filibuster any of George Bush’s extremist judicial nominees?

Those were heady days back then, when Republicans would scream “Up or down vote!” and decry Democrats as “obstructionists,” and the media would obediently parrot their condemnations. Oh yes … and the Democrats caved and failed to filibuster, giving us a whole slew of rightwingnut federal judges who will haunt us for many decades to come.

Well now that the Republicans are the minority party they just love the filibuster and have conveniently forgotten that they ever condemned it.

Back when filibusters were “bad,” I wrote a filibuster song parody to the French-Canadian children’s song Alouette.  Somehow it seems like a good time for a new set of lyrics to the same tune:

The Full-a-Bluster Song
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Filibuster.
Ban the filibuster!”
Ancient bluster
from the GOP.

With a Dem majority
Republicans think differently:
“Great device!
Ain’t it nice.
Blocks Dem bills!
They’re all on ice.”

Oh…

Filibuster
Suddenly has luster.
Grand Old Party’s
Hack Hypocrisy. 

(You can find more of my political song parodies here.)

Technorati Tags: Filibuster, GOP Hypocrisy, Trent Lott, Mitch McConnell, Bill Frist, Song Parody, Republicans, Iraq War, Nuclear Option, Up Or Down Vote, Obstructionism, Judicial Nominees

From: Lugar_and_Warner@Senate.gov
To: Stephen_Hadley@Whitehouse.gov

Subject: Our “Pretty Please Pretend To Plan to End The Iraq War Eventually” Proposal

Thanks bunches for making the rounds yesterday with all that Bush veto talk. Karl was right!  It was just what we needed to make antsy constituents think our amendment actually does something.

Technorati Tags: Stephen Hadley, Senator Richard Lugar, Senator John Warner, Karl Rove

Dan Froomkin isn’t surprised that “confronted with a tide of anti-war sentiment and a growing number of defecting Republican lawmakers, the White House is changing not its policy on Iraq, but its message.”  Froomkin pithily sums it all up:

Enter the new White House talking point: You want out? We want out, too!

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Message: I Share … Your Goals. (Bush to the Revolting Republicans)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Bush’s party has grown rather sick
Of the war in Iraq spawned by Dick,
Cause Election ‘08
Looms and threatens their fate,
And Rove platitudes won’t end it quick.

(You can find more of my antiwar humor here.) 

Technorati Tags: Bush War, Iraq War, Antiwar Sentiment, Revolting Republicans, Election 08, Defecting GOP Lawmakers

I can almost hear that promise Bush and Cheney surely made to Scooter Libby way back when:

Tell no tales,
And you won’t go to jail. 

Scooter came through with flying (and lying) colors and has now gotten his unjust deserts:

Bush obstructs justice,
Rewarding Scooter’s silence:
Prison-free pay-off.

(You can find more legal and lawyer humor and satire here and more news and political haiku here.)

Technorati Tags: Scooter Libby, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Commutation, Commuted Sentence, Bush Obstructs Justice, President Bush, VP Cheney, Cover Up, Valerie Plame

September,
September,
Bush promised September.
But Tony now says, no way.

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival of Satire
* Carnival of the Insanities
* Carnival of the Decline Of Democracy
* Carnival of Principled Government 

Technorati Tags: Iraq War, September Status Report,  Tony Snow, President Bush,  Surge,  Iraq Improvement, General David Petraeus, Surge Assessment 

Thanks so much to Dick Polman, whose politics of selective piety post  inspired this song parody. You can sing it to Billy Joel’s Honesty.

GOP Piety Song Parody (Sing to Billy Joel’s Honesty)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you search for hypocrites, 
They aren’t hard to find.
The Republicans just give and give.
They brag about their piousness,
But to justice they are blind.
Consistency just ain’t the way they live.

Piety is such a misused word.
GOPers preach on cue.
Piety — their fakery’s absurd.
See through them and turn red to blue.

They can always find reasons
To use a “faith” disguise,
As they wear religion on their sleeve.
But I don’t want some petty man
To tell us pious lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Piety is such a misused word.
GOPers pray on cue.
Piety — their zealotry’s absurd.
See through them and turn red to blue.

We must find a leader
Who this war will end,
Who will boost security,
The Bill of Rights defend.
Pieties don’t comfort me,
Nor GOP refrains.
Say no.
Say no.

They won’t keep our country free.
They’re too unconcerned.
They don’t care that human rights are gone.
I despise fake piety,
So to the Dems I must turn,
Cause they’re the ones that we depend on.

Piety is such a misused word.
GOPers preach on cue.
Piety — their fakery’s absurd.
See through them and turn red to blue.

Technorati Tags: Religion In Politics, Piety Humor, Pious Politicians, Religious Hypocrisy, Billy Joel, Song Parody, Honesty Lyrics, GOP Hypocrisy, Dick Polman, Republican Hypocrites, Religious Zealotry, Bill Of Rights, Human Rights