Congratulations to Donald Trump on winning the Politifact 2015 Lie of the Year Award!
The “Lie of the Year” prize is Trump’s.
Though many pols fib, Donald jumps
To the top of the list;
His stump speech’s gist
Is take dumps on the truth to hook chumps.
Dear Martin O’Malley, I snickered
And wondered, “Could Martin be liquored?”
Cuz your pre-canned remark,
A don’t-bicker-here bark,
Made no sense because nobody’d bickered.
Note: Here’s the post-debate sub-headline: “O’Malley Bashes Bickering During A Moment Of Peace.”
I hope I don’t sound like a chump,
Who plays down what Trump spews on the stump.
But I fear there’s a threat
That he’ll make you forget
Others’ vileness. It isn’t just Trump.
Please remember: Just because Trump says things and espouse positions that are marginally worse than his fellow candidates, doesn’t mean his GOP opponents aren’t pretty damn heinous in their own right.
The more loathsome Trump’s statements become,
The more popular Donald’s with some.
It’s not Muslims I fear,
But the folks who hold dear
A vile man who’s both evil and dumb.
Any pol, whether woman or man
Who says shootings are part of God’s plan
Is just shifting the blame,
And for that I say, “Shame!”
“Control gun sales! Your stance doesn’t scan.”
Here’s the latest Republican strategy for dealing with the scourge of Trump:
In a seven-page confidential memo that imagines Trump as the party’s presidential nominee, the head of the National Republican Senatorial Committee urges candidates to adopt many of Trump’s tactics, issues and approaches — right down to adjusting the way they dress and how they use Twitter.
In the memo on “the Trump phenomenon,” NRSC Executive Director Ward Baker said Republicans should embrace Trump’s tough talk about China and “grab onto the best elements of [his] anti-Washington populist agenda.” Above all, they should appeal to voters as genuine and beyond the influence of special interests.
“Trump has risen because voters see him as authentic, independent, direct, firm, — and believe he can’t be bought,” Baker writes. “These are the same character traits our candidates should be advancing in 2016. That’s Trump lesson #1.”
If you can’t trump The Donald, then ape him?
That’s the viewpoint of those who’d escape him.
How those GOP trolls
Long to knock down his polls.
What a shame they (like web thieves) can’t “scrape” him.
(Info for those unfamiliar with “web scraping.”)
When Republican pols take the stage,
Seems deceit has become all the rage,
Cuz no matter how sordid,
Their lies are rewarded.
Waging war on the truth’s become sage.
With their lies, guys like Donald Trump try us.
Prove them wrong, they just laugh and defy us.
They keep getting their way
Cuz there’s NO price to pay.
Call them out? They shout, “Media bias!”
The “liberal bias” lie is in full bloom this election cycle. And in its latest manifestation, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus and Hugh Hewitt would have us believe that the press is being really mean to Ben Carson, while treating Hillary Clinton with kid gloves.
Of course such assertions are so laughable, even Joe Scarborough is mocking them.
Hugh Hewitt and Reince look askance
At the Ben Carson cov’rage. Their stance:
It’s a lib-press vendetta!
Hill’s treated much bettah!
(Even Joe isn’t buying their rants.)
Carson’s dearth of credentials is stark,
And being the prez ain’t a lark.
But just mention his lack,
Ben’s response will be whack:
He says “amateurs built [Noah’s] Ark.”
Ben Carson’s full Twitter quote is: “It is important to remember that amateurs built the Ark and it was the professionals that built the Titanic.”
Most press coverage about the “cleaning the barn” two-year “budget deal,” negotiated by Boehner as he was handing off his Speaker gig to Paul Ryan, is unduly optimistic. It tends to lull us into thinking that the opportunity for House wingnuts to wreak havoc has been largely eliminated for a substantial period of time.
But that really isn’t true. Why not? Because, generally speaking, there are three broad opportunities for Tea Party types to threaten or cause shutdowns.
1: Budget bills.
2: Debt ceiling crises.
3: Appropriation bills.
And, alas, only the first two items on that list were resolved, leaving ample opportunities for essential appropriation bills to be saddled with unacceptable riders. For instance, riders eliminating Obamacare or defunding Planned Parenthood, to name just two. In other words:
Right-wing Republicans can still pursue their goals through riders on appropriations bills—and, if they don’t get their way, shut down the government.
With Ryan as Speaker, don’t think
That we aren’t stuck right on the brink
Of Tea Party trouble.
It still can cause rubble
Through spending bills yet to gain ink.
The fact that the budget’s resolved
And the ceiling on debt ain’t involved,
Should not make you relieved.
If you are, you’re deceived,
Cuz the poison pill risk isn’t solved.
The House must appropriate cash,
Via bills which the wingnuts can trash
Through riders from guys
With Tea Party ties,
Turning programs we need into ash.
If that happens, then what can be done?
Only vetoes, and those aren’t fun.
But the blackmailing Hill
Can’t prevail on such bill!
Are there any good choices? Nay! None.
Who should quit after last night’s debate?
It was Jebbie’s worst showing, to date,
A performance dismaying.
His fans must be weighing
Their option to dump his dead weight.
Jeb’s attack on pal Rubio failed,
And at Marco’s retort, Jeb just flailed.
Then smooth sailing for Marco.
From Jeb? Not a spark! Oh,
Jeb’s run has been fully derailed.
Four recent polls (3 in Iowa, 1 national) show Ben Carson ahead of Trump, prompting Trump to claim that polls with so many candidates aren’t very scientific.
Unless they show Trump ahead, of course.
When The Donald tops polls, they’re “terrific!”
He runs second? They’re “unscientific.”
Cuz when Trump’s on the stump,
Though his number’s might slump,
His ego-laced lines stay prolific.
Jeb Bush is sounding bummed these days about the toxic nature of the race to be the Republican presidential nominee:
I’ve got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around, being miserable, listening to people demonize me and me feeling compelled to demonize them. That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.
It seems Jebbie objects to the slings
And arrows of primary swings;
Having chosen to run,
He just ain’t havin’ fun…
And would rather do “really cool things.”
That GOP slug-fest of jeering
Was a stamina-trial of a hearing,
For the GOP goal
Was to rattle and roll
HRC. But instead? Pro-Hill cheering.
And for those thinking Clinton’s too old
To be prez, they need only behold
The results of that test
Of endurance — she’d best
Hill’ry’s juniors — Olympian gold!
The Hillary haters are sad.
They were praying that Hill would do bad
At hearings designed
To put Hill in a bind
And malign, wear her down, drive her mad.
But Hillary won in a rout.
Trey Gowdy and co left no doubt
That her rep they must shatter.
To them, facts don’t matter
In their shamef’ly political bout.
I have read each Paul Ryan demand,
Which he labels “requests.” They won’t stand.
There is no way that raucous
So-called “Freedom Caucus”
Assents, and that’s Ryan’s scheme grand.
When you don’t want a job, then you’re free
To ask for the world, which you see
Is what Ryan has done.
They say “No?” Then he’s won…
And back to his old job he’ll flee.
Anyone else sick of the breathless “will he or won’t he” Biden stories? Well, not to be outdone by all that foolishness, the Washington Post “inadvertently published” a website story under this headline: “Biden to launch a presidential campaign.”
Biden cov’rage is dumb as it gets:
Now the Washington Post sends regrets
For its story proclaiming
Joe’s running. It’s blaming
A “technical glitch.” Cool your jets!
Most journos don’t bother to air
Real issues. That’s work they can’t bear!
Seems their duties they’re ceding.
Instead they keep feeding
Us nonsense. So reader beware!
Though The Donald’s said many things bad,
Seems the one thing that makes Jebbie mad
Is when Donald Trump says
That Jeb’s brother was prez
On September 11th. The cad!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
You are currently browsing the archives for the Politics Satire category.