Archive for the ‘Money & Finance Humor’ Category

Threefer Haiku

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Impulse purchases
liberate you from your cash,
betray your self-worth.

(Sometimes I like to challenge myself by using several prompts at once, and today’s a threefer: “impulse,” “betrayal,” and “liberation,” all courtesy of Writers Island. And speaking of writing prompts, I’ve just posted a new one whose theme is “warning” and/or “caution.”)

Update: My husband Mark (who seems to be turning into a poet) read my haiku and almost immediately came up with his own.  I must confess that I like his better:

That impulse buy —
betrayal of frugality.
Ah … liberation.

Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband

Monday, May 5th, 2008

Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your umbrella can not have gone far.
Can’t believe how forgetful you are!
If we still had each cent
On umbrellas you’ve spent,
We’d have money to buy a new car.

Thanks to Simply Snickers for the “umbrella” prompt, Weekend Wordsmith for the “torrential rain” prompt, and Sunday Scribblings for its “family” prompt.

UPDATE: I’ve just learned that National Umbrella Day is celebrated yearly on February 10th.

Cautionary Verse

Monday, May 5th, 2008

Cautionary Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Identity theft is quite scary,
Causing problems horrific. Be wary!
Your rep can be doomed,
And your assets consumed
By any old Tom, Dick, or Harry.

(Note:  This was inspired by Writers Island’s “identity” prompt and Totally Optional Prompts’ “transformation” prompt.  And speaking of prompts, there’s still plenty of time to participate in my “dog-related verse” prompt.

Dear IRS

Sunday, April 20th, 2008

I thought I was through bitching about taxes and the IRS for at least a few months.  But apparently not: 

Dear IRS
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear folks at the Fed IRS,
Your rules and your regs are a mess.
You’re unfair to the poor. 
Middle class?  Even more.
So beware, cuz I know your address.

Note to the FBI, the IRS, and Homeland Security: This is a humor blog, so please don’t arrest me. Thanks for … uh … listening.

Healthy Verse (Limerick & Haiku Prompt)

Friday, April 18th, 2008

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is health. First, my limerick:

Maladjusted Men
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Maladjusted men sometimes say, “Doc, 
Chiropractic is naught but a crock. 
Your adjustments don’t work, 
You’re a sick, spineless jerk, 
And I’ll sue till you’re broke and in hock!”

And now my handy haiku:

My musical hands,
Stricken by carpal tunnel,
Betrayed by my wrists.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about health. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants

1. Crafty Green Poet
2. Tumblewords
3. Nickers and Ink – Limerick 4. Iself

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your health-themed verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Yet Another Tax Humor Piece: Interactive Taxes

Monday, March 31st, 2008

Interactive Taxes
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it’s April 14. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit. Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.

Please don’t cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college.

You’re having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can’t help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.

I hate lawyers too. But we’re really veering off track … (Interactive Taxes is continued here.)

Taxing Verse (Limerick & Haiku Prompt)

Friday, March 28th, 2008

Here in the U.S., tax return day (April 15th) is looming. So today’s limerick and haiku theme is taxes and tax returns or, if you prefer, forms that drive you nuts. First, my limerick:

Taxing Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My records are scattered.  Oh dear!
And tax filing day’s almost here.
My receipts are all over —
Some eaten by Rover.
I’m destined for prison, I fear.

And now my haiku:

Whether you owe cash
Or are due a tax refund
Filing is taxing.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about taxes and tax returns and/or forms that drive you nuts. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry.

(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here.)

Loan Poem

Saturday, March 1st, 2008

Loan Poem
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Are you desp’rate — in need of a loan?
Friends and fam’ly won’t throw you a bone?
Don’t go on a bender.
Just use a good lender
And safeguard the stuff that you own.

Banking On Money Poems (Limerick and Haiku Prompt)

Friday, January 11th, 2008

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is money. First, my limerick:

I once balanced my checkbook with ease.
But, alas, it’s no longer a breeze.
Where is each canceled check?
Banking statements are dreck.
Are they trying to hide all those fees?

And now my haiku:

“People want change,”
Claim presidential candidates.
I’d prefer twenties.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about money. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry.

(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here.)

Me Gamble? No Dice!

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Something tells me that writing this post amounts to begging for more spam. If so, I’ll just have to post some extra spam haiku.

But getting back to today’s joker of a topic, last year, when my husband Mark and I vacationed in Las Vegas, Mark gambled away twenty bucks — tops, and I didn’t gamble at all.  Okay, I did get on a plane, but other than that…  

And that brings me to today’s limerick:

Me Gamble? No Dice!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You should never play cards on a lark
With a Vegas-style card-wielding shark.
Whether blackjack or poker,
Don’t deal with a joker
And gamble at being a mark.

UPDATE: Happy National Dice Day, December 4th!

Is Google At War?

Wednesday, October 24th, 2007

Many prestigious and popular sites just took a huge Google PageRank hit. For instance,  The Washington Post, Forbes, The Chicago Sun-Times, and SFGate.com have all dropped from a 7 to a 5.

Search engine experts and webmasters are speculating that Google is punishing these and numerous other sites because of their advertising practices.  And that brings me to my latest haiku:

Is Google at war,
Smiting ad revenue streams
That bypass Google?

(You can find more of my technology, computer, and search engine humor here and my news haiku here.)

Pity The Poor Lawyer (Limerick)

Thursday, July 12th, 2007

Pity The Poor Lawyer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your billable hours are low,”
Said the partner. “They simply must grow.
It behooves you to hike them
Or better, please spike them.
To lunch breaks and sleep, just say no!”

(This is but one of many reasons why I’m a “recovering lawyer.” You can find more of my law humor here.)

Money Limerick Contest Results – And The Winners Are…

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

Thanks to all of you who participated in this, my third limerick writing contest. (And yes, I’ll be running another contest later this summer.) Once again, your enthusiasm and creativity has made this a fun experience for me and, I hope, for you.

The response to my money-related limerick writing contest exceeded my wildest hopes and set a new record – 94 limericks were submitted. And the overall quality of the entries was very impressive — so impressive, that I’ve decided to expand the prize money pool enough to award an extra prize.

And speaking of prizes, I’m awarding a First Prize ($25 in PayPal cash), a Second Prize ($15 in PayPal cash), a Third Prize ($10 in PayPal cash), and six Honorable Mentions. And the winners are…

FIRST PRIZE goes to Max Gutmann (author of There Was a Young Girl from Verona: A Limerick Cycle Based on the Complete Dramatic Works of Shakespeare) for a limerick that made me laugh out loud, no matter how many times I re-read it:

Can the money you’ve got be called loot?
Here’s a test: did a guy in a suit
Grunt “Da big guy sez T’anks”?
Did you “find” it in banks?
Did a lady say, “Take it, don’t shoot”?

SECOND PRIZE goes to Shawn McBurnie for this very amusing (and all too true) limerick:

Let me tell you, it’s not what you know.
I work hard, but I’ve reached a plateau.
I’ve a dozen degrees,
Which astounds the trustees—
Would you like that for here or to go?

THIRD PRIZE goes to mephistopheles for this funny limerick:

A drunk who was drowning his sorrow
Had requested some cash he could borrow,
And polite as can be,
Bowed and thanked both of me,
And avouched he’d repay us tomorrow.

And six HONORABLE MENTIONS go to (listed in submission order):

Jesse Frankovich:
The more of my money I bet,
The more in return I shall net!
But, of course, should I lose,
I’ll be singing the blues
As each bet, I regret, becomes debt.

Chris Young:
There’s a dieting guru called Valerie
Who garners the healthiest salary.
Her food range (extensive)
Is so darn expensive,
It works out as £10 per calorie.

Stephen Gold:
This accrued lunch expense is so high…
Do you think that your limit’s the sky?
To the counters of beans
All your bean-feasting means
It’s a fine time to bid you goodbye.

Chris Doyle:
A Switzerland bank says I’ll earn
All the interest with little concern
That the Feds can acquire
The date of my wire,
So soon I’ll have money to Bern.

Doug Harris:
“Being rich = happy”. Not I!
My disposable income’s run dry.
Some say that great wealth
Is just bad for your health
Maybe so, but I’d give it a try!

Rebecca Zugor:
My credit card spending is vast –
Not sure how much longer I’ll last.
To help pay these bills
Leave me lots in your wills.
I need cash in a flash, please die fast!

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everybody who participated. (You can read all of the entries right here.)

And please stay tuned — I’ll be announcing another limerick contest very soon right here in this blog. And if you have any contest topic suggestions, feel free to post them in a comment to this post.

Cashing In With “Doggie da Vincis”

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

Cashing In With “Doggie da Vincis” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A dog trainer needed some cash,
So she dreamed up a plan—made a splash:
Teaching dogs how to paint
Abstract art. Great they ain’t,
Though their pictures make mine look like trash.

According to a June 2007 AP news story, Mary Stadelbacher, a dog trainer from Salisbury, Maryland, taught three dogs how to hold a paint brush and paint abstract art. The “doggie da Vincis” are being featured in a Salisbury University art gallery and also have a line of greeting cards.

I must admit to being conflicted about this story.  On the one hand, it strikes me as utterly absurd and makes me feel bad for artists who paint actual art.  On the other hand, those dogs sure as hell paint a lot better than I can.

(You can find more of my dog and animal related verse and humor here and my money humor here.)

Married To Money

Saturday, June 16th, 2007

Married To Money
By Madeleine Begun Kane

He’s a cheapskate, so stingy with cash,
That he threw an embarrassing bash:
When his daughter was wed
He paid eight bucks a head,
So no band, booze, or blooms — only hash.

I have lots more money humor here.  And don’t forget to enter my money-themed limerick contest with money prizes. Okay, not a lot of money, but still…

Limerick Writing Contest With Money Prizes … and the Topic Is…

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

If you’ve followed my previous limerick contests, you know that it’s just about time for another one.

So here’s my challenge: Write a money-related limerick (earning it, spending it, saving it, investing it, winning it, wasting it, being taxed on it, etc.) and post it here in a comment to this post, no later than Wednesday, June 27, 2007. (You may enter as many limericks as you’d like.) I’ll announce the winners on Thursday, June 28, 2007.

The first prize will be $25. The second prize will be $10. Both prizes will be paid via PayPal.

So, what exactly is a limerick? It’s a five line poem with an AABBA rhyme scheme and a very specific meter exemplified by these winning entries. (For more information about limericks check out these fine sites: Encyclospeedia Oedilfica and OEDILF.)

I’m looking forward to reading your entries! 

Update: This contest is now closed, and the names of the winners and their winning entries are here. Thanks so much for your many excellent submissions. 

Bill Collection Time (A Legal Limerick)

Monday, April 30th, 2007

Bill Collection Time (A Legal Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The judge viewed your case with derision,
So he rendered an adverse decision.
But when paying my bill,
Do not bear me ill will,
‘Cause I saved you from going to prison.

UPDATE: Don’t forget to enter my Mother’s Day limerick writing contest.  The deadline is May 12, 2007 and there are money prizes for the best two limericks.

Yet Another Tax Filing Limerick

Monday, April 9th, 2007

I’m afraid I can’t stop writing tax return limericks — probably because it’s a lot more fun than actually working on my tax return.

Yet Another Tax Filing Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Why does tax filing time cause such stress?
Wretched forms to fill out—it’s a mess!
All confused, you say, “Heck!”
Then you write out a check
For what’s due or, at least, your best guess.

Tacky Verse

Monday, April 9th, 2007

Tacky Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

These armchairs are tacky and lack
Sound support for my weary old back.
Their seats are too deep
And their prices too steep.
Ow! What’s this in my tushie? A tack!