The headline of this story says it all: “Newly recovered court files cast doubt on Gingrich version of first divorce.”
Newt Still Lying After All These Years (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Newt, on your web site you claim
That divorce was your wife Jackie’s aim.
But the County Clerk files
Show you’re lying by miles.
You brought suit. She objected to same.
As Paul Krugman puts it so concisely, “Politifact, R.I.P.” No, Politifact isn’t going out of business, though after its latest credibility-destroying move, it should:
This is really awful. Politifact, which is supposed to police false claims in politics, has announced its Lie of the Year — and it’s a statement that happens to be true, the claim that Republicans have voted to end Medicare.
Steve Benen in the link above explains it, but let me just repeat the basics. Republicans voted to replace Medicare with a voucher system to buy private insurance — and not just that, a voucher system in which the value of the vouchers would systematically lag the cost of health care, so that there was no guarantee that seniors would even be able to afford private insurance.
PolitiFiction Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Politifact’s “Lie of the Year”
Is really the truth, cuz it’s clear
That the GOP plan
Would end Medicare. Man!
There’s no cov’rage — just coupons! Bronx cheer!
Rick Perry’s latest “oops” moment reminds me of this old SNL parody debate line: “It was my understanding that there would be no math.”
I’m referring to Perry’s “impressive” U.S. budget cut pledge:
Rick Perry made another slip on Saturday when he pledged to cut a whopping $5 trillion from President Barack Obama’s proposed budget – a number which is $1.3 million higher than Obama’s total budget, CBS News reported.
Limerick Ode To Math-Challenged Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Perry’s “oops” lines continue to mount.
Of wisdom the guy ain’t a fount:
Touts a huge budget cut
Which exceeds the whole nut.
Guess we don’t need a prez who can count.
Mitt Romney told the New York Times that Newt Gingrich is too “zany” to be U.S. president.
Mitt Critiques Newt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich is “zany,” says Mitt,
Which makes him for prez quite unfit.
I’m no Mitt devotee,
But I can’t help agree.
“Zany’s” best saved for toons or a skit.
Confessed serial adulterer Newt Gingrich has taken the Family Leader no-adultery pledge, which includes this statement: “I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.”
Apparently, the following limerick was stricken from an earlier draft:
Newt’s Pledge (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No adult’ry for me, pledges Newt.
I’ve given my cheating the boot.
I’ve confessed and repented.
My soul’s reinvented.
And I can’t get it up, so it’s moot.
In the wake of Mitt Romney’s misplaced $10,000 bet, the “Intrade political futures market shows Mitt Romney’s chances of winning the GOP presidential nomination dropping to 40% today, while Newt Gingrich’s chances have surged to 37%.”
Mitt’s Losing Bet (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt’s ten-thousand dollar faux pas
Makes Republican voters say, “Bah!”
So betting is strong
That Romney’s gone wrong,
And that Newt will get voters’ “Hurrah!”
Tonight’s Drake University, Iowa Republican Presidential Debate, hosted by ABC News and moderated by Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos, looks to be pivotal:
Gunning For Gingrich (Limerick)
They’re gunning for Gingrich tonight.
Opponents are poised for a fight.
The GOP’s freaking:
No more are they seeking
Non-Romney, with Newt as their plight.
A Trump-moderated Republican debate? Even Karl Rove says it’s a terrible idea.
Damn! Me — agreeing with Karl Rove. That’s seriously scary!
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney did the classy thing, for once, adding his name to the list of candidates who’ve declined the Trump Debate Invite. So far, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, and Romney have declined to participate, while Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have accepted.
Limerick Ode To The Immoderate Donald Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Debate moderation’s an art,
And practitioners need to be smart,
Diplomatic, well versed—
In the topic immersed.
Donald Trump? Not just bad. Off the chart!
UPDATE: Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has come out against the Donald Trump debate, citing as his reason Trump’s ongoing flirtation with an independent run for president. Additionally Perry has now declined his debate invitation.
Once upon a time, way back in August 2011, Jon Huntsman was a voice of sanity on climate change. He even tweeted, “To be clear, I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.”
But I suppose desperate poll numbers make for pathetic pandering.
In a move that’s sure to endear him to the conservatives who are starting to warm up to the former Utah governor, Huntsman said Tuesday under questioning from TPM that he now believes there’s “more debate yet to play out” before we can be sure climate change is really happening.
Huntsman Changes His Climate Change Tune (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Huntsman’s climate-change views once were sane.
But no more — he’s tossed truth down the drain.
Now he wants “more debate.”
Yes he’s flip-flopped to rate.
He’s debased — deep in Romney terrain.
No matter which Republican candidate fades or drops out, the poll numbers beneficiary always seems to be Not-Mitt:
In the first national public opinion poll on the GOP presidential candidate contest since Herman Cain suspended his campaign Saturday, our survey finds frontrunner Newt Gingrich with a 14% lead over his closest challenger, Mitt Romney.
“Newtering” Mitt
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m beginning to feel Romney’s pain:
Cain’s loss is Newt Gingrich’s gain.
Though opponents may fade,
Romney just can’t persuade
Their supporters to back his domain.
Herman Cain’s Gone, But The Mockery Carries On (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Herman Cain has dropped out of contention
With his primary contest suspension.
But there’s plenty to mock:
Perry’s gaffes and Mitt’s shock
At the cocky Newt Gingrich ascension.
New York Magazine’s Dana Amira has the numerical dirt on something that’s annoyed me for decades: Newt Gingrich’s over-use of pretentious words like profoundly, deeply, frankly, and fundamentally.
Limerick Ode To Newt “The Thinker” Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Frankly speaking, Newt likes to amass
Pompous adverbs to give himself class.
He feigns gravitas soundly
With deeply, profoundly.
Fundamentally, Newt is an ass.
I have to laugh at Herman Cain’s audacious demand for the phone records of extra-marital affair accuser Ginger White.
I presume this is just grandstanding. Because Cain’s lawyer, Lin Wood, surely knows that he has no right to those records, except in the course of litigation discovery. In other words, no lawsuit — no phone record fishing expedition.
Cain’s Grandstanding Demands (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
So did Cain break his marital vow?
He’s demanding the phone records now
Of the gal who accused him.
She ought to refuse him:
No lawsuit? No right! Disallow!
In Rick Perry’s apparent drive to make George W. Bush look like a genius, Perry’s been entertainingly gaffe-prone this week. While campaigning in New Hampshire, Perry managed to screw up both the voting eligibility age and the date of Election Day 2012. The next day, Perry dismissed these errors as proving he was human. He went on to further prove his humanness with a reference to New Hampshire’s non-existent caucuses.
Limerick Ode To Gaffe-Prone Perry
By Madeleine Begun
Dear Rick, I don’t wish to be mean,
But the age one can vote is eighteen.
Where’d you get twenty-one?
And Election Day, hon,
Is the 6th, as most pre-teens could glean.
Newt Gingrich is threatening … I mean, promising, to teach a free online course if he becomes president. But Kennesaw State College students still haven’t recovered from his fact-challenged 1990s course “Renewing American Civilization.”
We Don’t Want Newt-Education (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The “history prof” known as Newt
Taught a course that was really a beaut:
Filled with “facts” that are fiction,
Misleading depiction
Of life from an overstuffed suit.
The blame game is going strong with the customary false equivalencies.
Limerick Ode To The Not-So-Super Committee
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Super Committee’s derailed,
And now we are being regaled
With tales blaming Dems
Sold as “media gems.”
It’s “balanced” reporting that’s failed.
Why Is Mitt Romney smiling? Because Herman Cain keeps revising his version of the sexual harassment accusations, which date back to his time with the National Restaurant Association.
Limerick Ode To Herman “Straight Talker” Cain
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt Romney must surely be grinning
Cuz Cain’s having great problems spinning
Some old allegations:
Cain’s changed explanations
Are raising Mitt’s chances of winning.
I posted this Halloween Haiku on Facebook yesterday, but forgot to post it here:
Who needs Halloween?
I get my share of horror
from Republicans.
Rick Perry’s apparent solution to his inability to debate seems to be: Avoid debates!
Yet Another Rick Perry Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A message from Perry’s team states
He might skip the remaining debates.
Stay in hiding and pout
When you can’t win a bout?
More cratering poll news awaits.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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