Archive for the ‘Health & Medical Humor’ Category
Friday, October 26th, 2007
This week’s 3 Word Wednesday words are Care, Unexpected, and Weekend. Somehow they eventually managed to fit inside a limerick:
Possibly Good, Albeit Annoying Advice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Ev’ry weekend take time to forget
All your worries and cares and your debt.
Please don’t aim for perfected.
Embrace unexpected.
Try yoga. Play Set. Buy a pet.
Tags: Advice, Anxiety, Minimalism, Yoga
Posted in Advice Humor & Poems, Anxiety & Stress, Behavior & Personality, Health & Medical Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Limericks, Mental Health Humor, Minimalist Humor | 6 Comments »
Thursday, October 25th, 2007
I’m an insomniac and I must admit to taking a bit of solace at learning from a podcast that “zebrafish – a common aquarium pet – can have a genetic mutation linked to sleep problems.”
That calls for a limerick, don’t you think?
Fishing for Company
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do.
Troubling thoughts seem to come, right on cue.
But my iPod distracts me
With news that attracts me:
“Sometimes fish get insomnia too.”
(You can find more of my pets and animals humor here and my health humor here.)
Tags: Animals, Fish Humor, Insomnia Humor, iPod, Scientific Research, Sleeplessness, Zebrafish Limerick
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Science Humor, Sleep & Insomnia Humor | 4 Comments »
Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence. Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor. (And yes, we’re still married.)
I naively assumed that Mark was the only person crazy enough to think germs politely wait five seconds before they attach themselves to goodies. But apparently lots of people (mostly men, I’m assuming) believe that if you drop food on the floor and pick it up really, really fast, it’s safe to eat.
In fact, the belief’s so widespread that some scientists (who apparently didn’t have anything better to do with their time) actually studied the issue. And yes, they concluded that the rule isn’t valid. (Did you really need me — or the scientists — to tell you that?)
This leads to my latest limerick, in which I use the word date instead of husband to protect the guilty … and because husband has too many damned syllables:
The Five-Second What???
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My date dropped dessert on the dirt.
“Please don’t eat it,” I managed to blurt,
As he started to chew
On his now blackened goo,
Saying “5-second rule — it won’t hurt.”
=========
(You can find more of my marriage humor here and more of my food humor here.)
Tags: Dating, Five-Second Rule, Food rules, Germs, Husbands, Marital Relationships, Science Humor, Scientific Studies, Scientists
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Dating Humor, Family & Relatives Humor, Food & Drink Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Polls, Relationship Humor, Science Humor, Social Satire, Time Humor | 1 Comment »
Sunday, April 15th, 2007
For some reason, I almost forgot to post this:
ADD Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Hey, doc, have I got ADD?
My attention span’s short as can be.”
“Take this test, and we’ll know
If you have it, although…”
“If I’ve what?” “ADD, sir.” “You see?”
“National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day” is “celebrated” on the third Wednesday of September.
Tags: ADD Humor, Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, Attention Deficit Humor, Attention Span Humor, Doctors Humor, Health Satire, Medical Humor, Mental Health Satire, Odd Holidays, September Holidays
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Mental Health Humor, Odd Holidays, Social Satire | 5 Comments »
Monday, April 9th, 2007
Give Me A Break!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The play was quite talky and lacked
Something crucial. It had but one act.
What was missing, you say?
Not one break in that play!
While they blathered, my bladder was racked.
Tags: Bathroom Breaks, Bladder, Entertainment Satire, Health Satire, Intermission, Ladies Room, Play Reviews, Theater Humor, Theatre Humor, Women's Room
Posted in Entertainment Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Limericks, Movie & Play Humor | 2 Comments »
Monday, April 9th, 2007
Tacky Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane
These armchairs are tacky and lack
Sound support for my weary old back.
Their seats are too deep
And their prices too steep.
Ow! What’s this in my tushie? A tack!
Tags: Back Pain, Chairs, Furnishings, Furniture Humor, House Decorating Humor, Shopping Satire
Posted in Health & Medical Humor, House & Home Humor, Money & Finance Humor, Shopping Humor | Comments Off on Tacky Verse
Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007
Ode to Unselfishness
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My husband is great—good as gold.
And there’s no one more giving, all told.
He’s benevolent, caring,
Unselfish, and sharing.
Don’t believe me? He gave me this cold.
Tags: Benevolence, Generosity Humor, Health Satire, Love Humor, Marriage, Romance Humor, Sharing, Unselfishness
Posted in Family & Relatives Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Health Verse, Limericks, Marriage Humor, Social Satire | 9 Comments »
Friday, February 2nd, 2007
A Biting Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Ow! My tooth aches,” a man told the nurse,
Whose answer was biting and terse:
“The Doc’s in a tizzy.
His schedule’s too busy.
Take asp’rin. Come back when it’s worse.”
(My Dental Deal, a funny dentist/patient contract, is here.)
UPDATE: Happy National Toothache Day! (celebrated yearly on February 9th) And happy Dentists Day! (celebrated yearly on March 6th)
Tags: Medical Humor, Dental Humor, Dentistry, Dentists Day, February Holidays, Health & Medical Humor, March Holidays, National Toothache Day, Odd Holidays, Pain, Teeth
Posted in Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Odd Holidays | Comments Off on A Biting Limerick
Monday, January 15th, 2007
Healthy, Or Half-Baked?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My spouse likes to lie in the sun,
Absorbing those rays just for fun.
As for me, I hate sweat.
I’d not bask on a bet.
It’s unsav’ry to bake till you’re done.
(My health humor is collected here.)
UPDATE: July 3rd is Stay Out Of The Sun Day.
Tags: Health Risks, July Holidays, Odd Holidays, Skin Care, Skin Damage, Stay Out Of The Sun Day, Sun Bathing Humor, Wrinkles Poem
Posted in Aging Humor & Verse, Health & Medical Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Limericks, Odd Holidays, Physical Appearance, Recreation & Fun Humor | 6 Comments »
Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?
Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.
Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)
Tags: December Holidays, Funny Contracts, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Husband Wife Humor, New Year's Humor, New Year's Resolutions Humor
Posted in Addiction Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Health & Medical Humor, Holiday Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Legal & Lawyer Humor, Marriage Humor, Satirical Contracts, Social Satire | 5 Comments »
Monday, December 18th, 2006
Is Mental Health Overrated?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
There once was a drunken, loud fellow
Who ordered his drinks with a bellow.
Then they put him on meds.
Now he’s placid, instead,
And quite boring, since turning so mellow.
Tags: Medication Humor, Mental Health Humor, Personality, Personality Humor
Posted in Behavior & Personality, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Mental Health Humor | 1 Comment »
Monday, November 13th, 2006
Becoming an insomniac isn’t as easy as it might appear. But with the help of these guidelines, dark circles and a cranky disposition will soon be yours.
1. Be born into a family of worriers. (Certain ethnic groups have the advantage here, but won’t be identified for obvious reasons.)
2. During your infancy, become accustomed to dozing in serene silence, a state you will never encounter as an adult.
3. Have parents so desperate for peace and quiet, that they routinely send you to bed hours before you feel even a hint of fatigue. This will allow you to develop helpful habits like gazing at the ceiling, counting sheep, and plotting revenge.
4. Cultivate your neuroses. A dedicated would-be insomniac will work on this throughout the day. But if time is limited, performing any of these activities right before bedtime should do the trick: … (How To Become An Insomniac is continued here.)
Tags: Funny Self-Help, Health Satire, Humorous How-To, Insomnia Humor
Posted in Health & Medical Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Mental Health Humor, Self-Help Humor, Sleep & Insomnia Humor | 10 Comments »
Monday, October 30th, 2006
Unless you live on another planet, there are never enough hours in the day. But if you use these efficiency techniques, you can win that battle with time:
1. Always do at least two things at once. While showering, write a screenplay. While sorting laundry, invent a handy appliance for the home. While chatting on the phone with a dull acquaintance, take a nap.
2. Consolidate self-improvement routines. Exercise to learn-a-language tapes while watching watercolor videos. Not only will you save time, but you’ll have thin thighs for that trip to Le Musée du Louvre.
3. Buy a speaker-phone for your kitchen. You’ll be able to cook, vacuum, and knit dog-hair booties while you talk on the phone.
4. When you’re in the kitchen, post reminder notes on the fridge. (“It’s the laundry, stupid.”)
5. Group chores alphabetically. If you have to go to the pharmacy, combine your trip with errands beginning with the letter ‘P.’ …” (Contending With Time is continued here.)
Tags: Efficiency Humor, Household Chores, Multitasking, Self-Help Satire, Self-Improvement, Time Humor, Time Management, Time Pressure
Posted in Family & Relatives Humor, Health & Medical Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Mental Health Humor, Multitasking Humor, Self-Help Humor, Social Satire, Time Humor | 7 Comments »
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
Attention, Wal-Mart … Patients?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Wal-Mart is marketing health care
Via clinics in stores. Near the hardware?
You can call me a cynic,
But Wal-Mart based clinics?
My prescription is “Patients Beware.”
Tags: Health Clinics, Health Satire, Healthcare Humor, Marketing Humor, Medical Humor, Patients Humor, Wal-Mart Humor
Posted in Business Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Marketing Humor, Shopping Humor | 5 Comments »
Monday, October 9th, 2006
If you’re a feline fan who’s very allergic to cats (as I am) and you’re very rich (as I’m not,) scientists have come to your rescue with genetically altered cats:
Ode To Genetically Altered Cats
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Do cats make you suffer and wheeze?
There’s a cure for some real hefty fees:
A kitty whose genes
Are swept allergen clean.
You can kiss and it won’t make you sneeze.
Tags: Allergens, Allergy Humor, Biotech, Cat Genes, Cat Humor, Cats Humor, Feline, Health Satire, Hypoallergenic Cats, Kittens, Pet Humor, Scientific Advances
Posted in Animal & Pet Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks, Science Humor | 7 Comments »
Monday, September 25th, 2006
“Stop The Chaos!” screeches the magazine cover. “Take Control Of Your Cluttered Life!” Periodicals are packed with chaos-avoidance techniques. But do they work? Let’s see.
1. Awaken early, inspired by self-help articles to finally organize your life. Grab paper scrap and jot down all urgent chores. Admire list, savor it, enhance it with scribbled notes. Spill coffee, rendering list illegible. Then, lest you be tempted to do something that might garner a check mark, file list under “T” for “To Do.”
2. Forget where you left list. Start new one, grow bored, take shower instead. Dash through house naked and wet in search of clean towel. Try to start a wash. Realize you left detergent off list.
3. Check if you’re low on other cleaning supplies. Notice several empty containers squandering space under sink. Yank everything out of storage and strew on floor. Resolve to rearrange cabinets once you’ve looked at mail.
4. Retrieve bills, ads, alarming bank statement from mail box. Hunt for check register and fail to find it. You never find it … which is why you haven’t made an entry since the Eighties.
5. Decide bank info must be buried in your bag or briefcase. Dump contents of both onto table and chase renegade coins. Smooth every particle of crumpled paper. Use magnifying glass to decipher contents. Take your time; any fragment could be a clue to your deficit balance.
6. Find nothing that sheds light on finances. Decide bank’s probably right. Stuff papers back into bags … just in case.
7. Forage through remaining mountain of debris. Find 97 pennies and count them twice. Hunt for coin wrappers. Start third list.
8. Spill pennies into already stuffed drawer. Resume foraging. Find stale stick of gum, half eaten candy bar, rusty key, crud-encrusted tissues, and several items you’ve never seen before. Attempt to throw out. Add garbage bags to list… (How To Disorganize Your Life is continued here.)
Tags: Finances, Health Satire, Humorous How-To, Magazines, Media, Self-Help
Posted in Health & Medical Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Media Humor, Mental Health Humor, Money & Finance Humor, Self-Help Humor, Social Satire | 1 Comment »
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
I’ve never been fond of fresh spinach,
Or cooked. Just the thought makes my throat twitch.
How odd and ironic
That Popeye’s green tonic
Can kill. Even health nuts can’t win. Rich!
And speaking about spinach, be sure to visit Spinach World, whose motto is: “World domination through leafy greens.”
Tags: E. coli Outbreak, Food Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Health Warnings, Spinach Humor
Posted in Food & Drink Humor, Health & Medical Humor, Limericks | 2 Comments »
Monday, August 28th, 2006
“You’re gonna swing dance in this weather? Are you insane?”
I’ve been asked that a lot lately, which isn’t surprising when you consider this summer’s humidity and heat wave. New York City’s weather has been so unbearable, that felons have switched from car theft to stealing AC’s. … (Jump, Jive, and Sweat is continued here.)
UPDATE: Happy International Dance Day! (April 29th)
Tags: April Holidays, Dancing Humor, Exercise Humor, Hobby Humor, International Dance Day, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Music Humor & Verse, Odd Holidays, Physical Fitness Humor, Recreation & Fun Humor, Swing Dance Humor
Posted in Health & Medical Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Music Humor & Verse, Odd Holidays, Recreation & Fun Humor, Sports Humor | Comments Off on Jump, Jive, and Sweat
Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? Here’s what not to do:
1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath. Wonder if that smell is gas.
2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove.
3. Resume the position. Resume breathing. Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling.
4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.
5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e…t.w.o…t.h.r.e.e…f.o.u.r…E.x.h.a.l.e…t.w.o…t.h.r.e.e…f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels which remind you of heaven which reminds you of hell which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else. … De-Stress Or Distress is continued here.)
UPDATE: August 15th is National Relaxation Day.
Tags: Aromatherapy Humor, August Holidays, Health & Medical Humor, Holistic Humor, How-To Humor, Meditation Humor, Mental Health, National Relaxation Day, New Age, New Age Humor, Relaxation Humor, Self-Help Humor, Stress Humor, Tension Humor
Posted in Health & Medical Humor, How-To Humor, Humor Columns & Humorous Essays, Mental Health Humor, New Age Humor, Self-Help Humor, Social Satire | 1 Comment »
