A political campaign is, essentially, a business. And isn’t building a business Mitt Romney’s supposed claim to fame?
Limerick Ode To A Campaign In Disarray
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt’s campaign is in great disarray.
New embarrassments come ev’ry day.
His campaign is a co
Built by Romney, and so
Why suppose he can run USA?
If you were wondering what Romney really thinks of Democrats, he tells us just that in a video, secretly recorded during a private fundraiser “held at the Boca Raton home of controversial private equity manager Marc Leder on May 17.”
Fielding a question from a donor about how he could triumph in November, Romney replied:
“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.”
Romney went on: “[M]y job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”
What Mitt Romney Thinks, What He Really, Really Thinks (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt Romney disdains half our nation
And betrays this to private ovation:
When he speaks to his donors,
He gives the men boners,
With his Dems are all moochers conflation.
Who else but Mitt Romney surrogate Rick Santorum, could beam with pride while saying: “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”
Mitt’s Strange Surrogate (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you’re smart, then you ain’t on our side,
Said Santorum with singular pride.
Dear Rick, does Mitt know
You exultingly glow
With support from dim folks nationwide?
After last year’s Politifact “Lie of the Year” debacle, I’ve been trying to just ignore Politifact’s Truth-O-Meter fakery.
But Politifact is to “truth” what Fox News is to “fair and balanced,” and it does a tremendous amount of damage. Here’s Scott Lemieux on Politifact’s latest just-pretend truth-telling regarding Harry Reid’s claim that he was told Romney didn’t pay taxes for ten years:
Once again, [Politifact has] awarded a “pants on fire” award, in this case to Harry Reid, despite providing no evidence whatsoever that Reid lied. Here’s the problem:
“Many readers asked us to put Reid’s claim to the Truth-O-Meter. We conclude that Reid, despite repeating the claim on at least two occasions, has not produced any solid evidence it is true.”
This does not, in fact, constitute a “lie.” If it is, then Romney has told “pants on fire” lies about what he’s paid in taxes in the years we don’t have returns released for as well. And PolitiFact is double-pants-on-fire-with-an-additional-Pinocchio lying, since they haven’t provided the slightest evidence that Reid wasn’t told by someone that Romney hasn’t paid taxes. As always, PolitiFact simply doesn’t understand what facts and lies are, which is kind of a problem when you purport to be a fact-checker.
Yet Another PolitiFiction Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Politifact, kindly stop lying.
Though you claim to check facts, I’m not buying.
You pretend to the role
Of a fact-checking soul,
But it’s pro-Romney lies you’re supplying.
I’m pleased that Harry Reid’s doubled down on his claim that Mitt Romney may not have paid taxes for ten years. And I agree with Nancy Pelosi: If Reid says he has a good source on this, Reid has a good source on this. Unlike Mitt Romney, Reid isn’t a liar.
Instead of making assertions about what’s in his tax returns, Romney needs to follow custom and release his returns. If Romney’s lying about his tax returns now, it wouldn’t be the first time: He was caught lying about his tax returns back in 2002 regarding the critical issue of residency.
Reid v. Romney (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m glad that Reid’s on the attack
And is giving Mitt Romney some flak.
I just wish Harry Reid
In the Senate would lead
With a similar street-fighting knack.
UPDATE: Here’s a second limerick related to this topic:
Harry Reid is not up for election,
So his jab in Mitt Romney’s direction
Is fail-safe of course:
If Reid’s wrong, then his source
Just misled him. Reid’s plan is perfection.
Mitt Romney’s image-bolstering trip to Great Britain, Israel, and Poland was jam-packed with gaffes. Yet according to Mitt, none of this is his fault: The biased media’s to blame.
But as Maddowblog’s Steve Benen puts it:
…it wasn’t news organizations’ fault when he insulted the British; it wasn’t news organizations’ fault when he misquoted the Australian finance minister; it wasn’t news organizations’ fault when his campaign kinda sorta gave the green light on a unilateral strike on Iran; it wasn’t news organizations’ fault when he used borderline-racist language at his Israeli fundraiser; it wasn’t news organizations’ fault when he praised a socialized health care system he claims to abhor; and it wasn’t news organizations’ fault when his press secretary said, “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site.”
Limerick Ode To Mitt “Foreign Fumbler” Romney
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt Romney’s big trip. Oy Gevalt!
A tri-country gaffe-filled assault:
Poland, Israel, Great Britain—
Still reeling from Mitten.
But of course it’s the “media’s fault.”
UPDATE: Cool news! KPCC’s Patt Morrison announced the results of her political limerick contest on her show and here. The two winning limericks are the one I posted above and one by Mason Kroll.
This news made me laugh: “Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich’s campaign tacked on a new fundraising effort Monday, charging supporters $50 a pop for anyone who wants a photo with the former House speaker.”
No Photo Finish For Newt … Just Photos
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The latest Newt news is a beaut:
You must pay for a photo with Newt —
Fifty dollars per pic.
Here’s a fund raising trick:
I’d pay more not to pose with that brute.
Limerick Ode To Mitt “Man Of The People” Romney
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Romney, your essence is “rich.”
Your attempts to “relate” are a stitch.
So nobody buys
Your fake empathy tries.
It seems playacting isn’t your niche.
Dear Mitt, A Limerick Love Note
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Mitt, I’m enjoying your height.
Not too tall. Not too short. You’re just right.
And I also adore
That your cars number “four.”
Please forgive me for being so trite.
After yesterday’s post, I’d hoped to be done with birth control commentary for a while. But then I saw this headline: Santorum Sugar Daddy Foster Friess Gives ‘Gals’ Contraception Advice: Put An Aspirin Between Your Knees. And that story lives up to its headline:
Appearing on MSNBC with Andrea Mitchell today, Foster Friess, the main donor to the Super PAC backing Rick Santorum’s presidential bid, dismissed the controversy surrounding President Obama’s new birth control rule by suggesting that women should just keep their legs shut…
FRIESS: “On this contraceptive thing, my gosh, it’s so inexpensive. You know, back in my days, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”
More Contraceptive Madness (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Rick Santorum and Friess — quite the pair
In their “stop contraceptive care” guerre:
Don’t want kids with your squeeze?
Put a pill ‘tween your knees,
Like Bay’r asp’rin, sez Rick’s billionaire.
What century is this? The aggressive anti-contraception GOP stance makes me wonder whether I bought the wrong calendar.
Rick Santorum, a man who’s dangerously close to snatching the Republican presidential nomination away from Mitt Romney, apparently wants to preside over an antediluvian America: Here’s Santorum explaining why he wants to fight “the dangers of contraception:”
It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
And Rick is far from the only bedroom-obsessed Republican. GOP over-reach regarding contraception is approaching epic proportions:
Last week, Freshman Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO) filed legislation to allow any employer, religiously affiliated or not, to refuse to cover any essential or preventive health service, not just contraceptives, based on the “religious belief or moral conviction” of the employer. Word from DC is that Blunt and allies will attempt to add the provision as an amendment to other legislation now moving through the Senate….
The fact that American voters are overwhelmingly pro-birth control is apparently irrelevant to Republican politicians.
Perhaps a limerick might help Republican pols get the message:
Dear Bedroom-Invading Republicans (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Republican pols, please abstain
From ent’ring my bedroom domain.
And also stay out
Of my bathroom. Don’t pout!
If you’re truly “small gov,” you’ll refrain.
According to Newt Gingrich, his serial wife-cheating makes him “normal,” better able to relate to the problems of average people, and more electable. You’ve got to give that fellow Brownie-points for creativity. Who else could turn multiple affairs into a plus?
In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this afternoon, Newt Gingrich picked up Rick Perry’s torch in the so-called “war on religion,” promising that he would fight back against judges who are “trying to drive God out of life.” The thrice-married Speaker then defended his personal marital history, claiming his multiple affairs “make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect” because he can understand “the human condition and challenges of life for normal people.”
Limerick Ode To “Normal” Newt Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
My affairs make me “normal,” says Newt.
As defenses go, Newt’s is a beaut:
Seems perfection is bad,
And unless you’re a cad,
Your empathy skills are minute.
Newt Gingrich seemed way off his game at last night’s Florida debate. And at first, I attributed this to Mitt Romney’s new, improved debating style.
But Newt apparently needs the adrenalin rush that comes with cheers and applause. And last night’s NBC debate rules precluded such a rush: Audience feedback was limited, in the interest of using the time for actual debating.
So now Newt (always on the outlook for another excuse to bash the media) is petulantly threatening to boycott any debate that limits the audience’s free speech:
Mr. Gingrich’s performance in the debate in Tampa on Monday night was far more muted. Critics noted that he seemed to be off his game. The National Journal, which co-hosted the NBC debate, compared Gingrich to “a stand-up comedian whose routine suffers without echoes of laughter egging him on.”
Mr. Gingrich clearly noticed something was off, too. “We’re going to serve notice on future debates,” he told Fox. “We’re just not going to allow that to happen. That’s wrong. The media doesn’t control free speech. People ought to be allowed to applaud if they want to.”
Hmmm…., I wonder how Newt feels about boos.
Limerick Ode To Newt’s Latest Temper Tantrum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No cheering at last night’s debate!
This has Gingrich quite peeved and irate.
He says cheers from the crowd
Simply must be allowed.
Without cheers, will Newt Gingrich deflate?
Newt Gingrich demolished Mitt in South Carolina. Newt’s surging in Florida. And Romney’s large national lead is collapsing. Needless to say, the Republican establishment is starting to panic:
To the extent Newt threatens the Establishment, it’s because of his electability–or lack thereof. The GOP’s mandarins see Gingrich’s nomination as a sure way to blow their chance of deposing Barack Obama. They see Gingrich as the political equivalent of a Fukushima nuclear plant worker, with polls showing him to be lethally irradiated by his negative approval ratings. Whereas Mitt Romney is running about even with Barack Obama in head-to-head polling, Newt loses by double-digit margins. Sure, those numbers could change if Gingrich beats Romney and wins the nomination, with all the accolades it entails. On the other hand, his grandiosity syndrome may kick in, as it has before, and render him a laughing stock. Hence the many Establishment Republicans now saying things like, “Newt means losing 45 states.”
And that brings me to my latest limerick:
Limerick Ode To Republican Panic
By Madeleine Begun Kane
The Republican powers-that-be
Are scared of a Newt-nominee:
Newt’s grandiose ways
Could trigger malaise,
As voters to Democrats flee.
The South Carolina primary is tomorrow, and Newt Gingrich’s poll numbers are picking up steam.
Mitt Romney’s South Carolina Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It appears that Newt Gingrich may win
Tomorrow, to Romney’s chagrin.
Just imagine the gloating
Right after the voting!
If this happens, will Mitt take to gin?
In case you’re asking
why Rick Perry has dropped out:
Donors talked Turkey.
*****
My head is spinning
from Republican debates.
I’m begging — please stop!
*****
View pols with caution.
Review records and viewpoints.
Behold all the lies.
*****
Brilliance from pols?
No reason to expect it.
Saneness would be nice.
*****
You’ve probably heard that Rick Perry’s idiotic debate remarks, claiming Turkey is run by Islamic terrorists, led to a diplomatic incident. But did you know it inspired George W. Bush to send Rick Perry this limerick?
Limerick Letter From George W. Bush To Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Rick, I’ve been meaning to write,
Cuz I watch you debate with delight.
And your Turkey faux pas:
What a laugh — Ha! Ha! Ha!
Thanks for making me look really bright!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.