Trump claims that he never drinks alcohol. But proposing to spend one billion dollars on 62 miles of wall is surely proof he’s plastered:
This ludicrous price won’t draw smiles:
One billion for sixty-two miles
Of Trump’s Mexican wall?
Yes that’s dollars! Stand tall:
Not one dime for his worthless shit piles.
TrumpCare’s dead, and the Donald is grim,
So he’s thrashing and bashing at whim.
Who’s at fault — Dems or Paul?
Freedom Caucus? We all
Know he’ll NEVER admit that it’s HIM!
Our government once was divided,
A condition Republicans chided.
They would gripe and they’d grouse:
“Ruling Senate and House
Ain’t enough. Give us power three-sided.”
Then it happened — their guy beat our dame!
Now with White House control they’re aflame
To alter our laws
By inserting new flaws
Right away — helping rich folks, their aim.
They began with “repeal and replace,”
An action they vowed they would ace;
First they’d get full control,
Then they’d easily roll
All the Dems — this they promised their base.
But the bill that was key to their game
Has been pulled to the GOP’s shame.
Who’s at fault? No, not Trump,
Nor Paul Ryan. The Grump
Claims the powerless Dems are to blame.
John Boehner pretty much predicted today’s events in this article: “Now In Happy Retirement, John Boehner Admits Republicans Will Never Agree on Obamacare Repeal.”
I’m wond’ring if Boehner feels glee
At the TrumpCare affair, cuz no plea
Saved that bill from the brink.
Surely Boehner must think:
“Better Donald and Ryan than me!”
On healthcare, Trump gives up the store.
But the wingnuts say “No!” They want more!
Donald throws up his hands
At their endless demands;
It’s golf-time. This feels like a chore.
You think healthcare expenses are rough?
Wait till RyanCare’s passed. It’s so tough
On folks who ain’t rich,
You’ll say, “Life is a bitch!”
Yet some holdouts claim: “NOT mean enough!”
Poor Donald has sacrificed valuable golfing time for his Obamacare-repeal ̶i̶n̶t̶i̶m̶i̶d̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶e̶a̶t̶s̶ negotiation. But Trump’s failed so far, and the vote’s been postponed.
Dear Donald, you say you’re a closer
And a deal-making, ground-breaking dozer.
But your arm-twisting tries
And Obamacare lies
Haven’t worked. Are you naught but a poser?
Time’s Michael Scherer has a cover story which asks the question: “Can President Trump Handle the Truth?” Before I get to my limerick, here’s his last paragraph:
Before he got off the phone, I tried one more time to get Trump to answer a question about the risk to his reputation caused by false and ever changing utterances. Once again, he would not accept the premise. “Hey, look,” he said. “I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m President and you’re not.” As a factual matter, the last part of this statement is indisputably true. And with that, he graciously said goodbye and went back to running the affairs of the most powerful country in the world.
Trump’s presidency is a mess,
But to Donald, his reign’s a success.
Here’s his proof (and it’s squat):
“I’m the prez, and you’re not.”
(This is Trump being nice to the press.)
Self-aggrandizing lies are the norm
From the Donald; each falsehood-filled storm
Sows confusion and doubt,
Which he can’t do without.
How to shore up support? Disinform!
Texas Republican Pete Sessions doesn’t seem all that good at handling a crowd of angry constituents. At a rowdy town hall, he responded with this gem:
I know why you’re so frustrated: You don’t know how to listen.
Pete Sessions’ town hall was immersed
In constituent wrath, so he burst:
“You don’t know how to listen!”
(Flop sweat all a-glisten.)
It seems Pete has things slightly reversed.
Though the calendar tells me it’s spring,
My morale won’t allow me to sing
Because winter’s forever;
King Trump holds the lever…
And he’s razing our nation for bling.
Are the Brits pissed at Donald? Darn tootin’!
Plus he’s feudin’ with Merkel, pollutin’
All our friendships long-standing—
Our image disbanding…
But at least Donald always has Putin.
Donald Trump’s been rebuked once again:
For the second time in two months, two federal judges on Wednesday refused to allow President Trump to impose a travel ban, citing his campaign rhetoric as evidence of an improper desire to prevent Muslims from entering the United States.
Remember when GOP chatter
Taunted Dems with the sentence: “Words matter!”?
Yet it’s rare that they balk
At the Donald’s loose talk…
Which has flattened his bans with a clatter.
Trump’s been bitching about the publication of an old 1040 — a partial tax return that actually makes him look like a successful businessman and that does him no real harm. Moreover, he’s called it “fake news,” even though its validity was confirmed by Trump’s own office. So here’s my theory via limerick:
Dear Donald, the news makes you burn,
And your wiretap fib’s in an urn.
Ryan’s plan is a bust,
And distraction’s a must,
So I’m betting YOU leaked your return.
EPA chief Scott Pruitt has stopped pretending to have a semi-open mind about climate science:
Climate scientists widely proclaim
Human action re carbon’s to blame
For our crisis, but Scott
(Although expert he’s not)
Disagrees. EPA chief? For SHAME!
Guess who just got preliminary approval for 38 new trademarks in China — applications green-lighted with unusual speed, according to a Hong Kong intellectual property consultant.
Chinese trademarks that Donald has sought
Were approved. Seems high office has bought
Trump the branding he’s seeking–
Emolument-reeking!
But to cronies, alas, it means mean naught.
Yikes! Trump’s proposed budget pays for his pet wall by raiding the TSA, FEMA, and Coast Guard budgets.
Remember Trump’s thunderous call
For a Mexico-financed “great wall?”
Coast Guard funds, FEMA cash,
And the TSA stash–
Trump will slash them to build it. What gall!
Are you feeling more secure yet?
When HUD Secretary Ben Carson was criticized for conflating slaves and immigrants, he complained that his words had been misconstrued. Unfortunately, however, Carson has a long history of referring to slaves as immigrants. So he’s earned himself this limerick:
Slaves forcibly shipped to our nation
(Per Ben Carson’s REPEATED conflation)
Were immigrants. Wow!
Offensive? And how!
Has his brain suffered O2 privation?
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
You are currently browsing the archives for the Republicans Humor category.