You’ve probably heard that Rick Perry’s idiotic debate remarks, claiming Turkey is run by Islamic terrorists, led to a diplomatic incident. But did you know it inspired George W. Bush to send Rick Perry this limerick?
Limerick Letter From George W. Bush To Rick Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Dear Rick, I’ve been meaning to write,
Cuz I watch you debate with delight.
And your Turkey faux pas:
What a laugh — Ha! Ha! Ha!
Thanks for making me look really bright!
Mitt Romney is fluent in French. Finally, something to like about him!
But not so fast! According to a Newt Gingrich ad, French fluency’s a non-non:
Limerick Ode To Newt “J’accuse” Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Here’s a message from Newt’s latest ad:
Mitt Romney speaks French and that’s bad.
What an odd thing to knock:
Mitt sounds like a Jacques,
And bilingual is suspect. How sad!
Oddly enough, there’s ample evidence that Newt Gingrich pouvait comprendre cette phrase.
According to Mitt Romney, people who challenge Wall Street and economic unfairness are driven by “envy.”
Limerick Ode To Mitt “They’re All Just Jealous” Romney
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Distribution of wealth on your mind?
Take exception to it and you’ll find
That according to Mitt
You’re an envious twit.
To inequities, Romney is blind.
Newt Gingrich is on the warpath against Mitt Romney, just as he promised after being decimated by pro-Romney ads in Iowa. And Newt’s latest South Carolina primary video ad is packed with goodies.
One of my favorites is Romney’s “dog on the roof of his car” escapade. But there’s lots more, including “I like being able to fire people…,” “Corporations are people,” “I’m running for president for pete’s sake, I can’t have illegals,” and “10,000 bet.”
And that’s not even Newt’s only anti-Romney video. Another one hits Romney on his abortion rights hypocrisy.
A vindictive Newt isn’t a pretty picture.
Beware The Wrathful Newt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich is on the attack.
His mission’s to Mitt Romney whack.
Revenge is his quest,
And he seeks it with zest.
Yes, the meanie we know has come back.
By now you’ve surely seen Mitt Romney’s “I like being able to fire people” video clip.
Ode To Mitt “I like being able to fire people” Romney
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“I like … to fire people,”
Said Mitt Romney, with a smile.
This quote, while out-of-context,
Will be sure to irk and rile.
And well it should: The pleasure
Mitt conveys with eyes aglow
Reveals that Mitt seems happy
Telling people, “Time to go.”
No doubt he’ll claim unfairness:
He meant those who’d earned his boot,
And ads that use this sound bite
Are misleading. What a hoot!
Mitt Romney’s out-of-context ads
Are packed with sneaky bile,
Defaming his opponents,
And misleading by a mile.
It’s Mitt who set the standard:
Once a word’s been said, it’s game.
So if context doesn’t matter,
Here’s to treating Mitt the same.
During a Laconia, New Hampshire campaign stop, Newt had the audacity to say “I’m not rich.” And his wife Callista helpfully added, “We have one home.” Apparently Newt and I don’t share the same definition of rich:
This past summer, Gingrich had to file the financial-disclosure form required of presidential candidates. It revealed that he has a net worth of at least $6.7 million and that his income was at least $2.6 million in 2010. That’s about 65 times the income of the average family of four in the United States.
Limerick Ode To Newt “I’m Not Rich” Gingrich
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich would like to be king
And is part of the wealthy right-wing.
He denies that he’s rich.
Just “one home” — what a bitch!
He should shorten his surname to “Ging.”
If you’re middle class or poor, and think you’ll fare better under Romney, this independent analysis of Mitt Romney’s proposed tax plan from the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center should surely change your mind.
But if you don’t have time to read the story, this limerick should give you the gist:
Limerick Ode To Romney’s “Robin Hood In Reverse” Tax Plan
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Want the rich to get richer? Vote Mitt.
Want a deficit increase? Mitt’s it.
Want things to get worse
For the middle class purse?
Then vote Romney — his tax plan is shit.
Rick Santorum must think we’re stupid. He’s claiming that his racist reference to “black people” and welfare was really a reference to “blah people.”
Limerick Ode To Rick “Blah” Santorum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
If you’re black, Rick Santorum’s a fan.
That’s true, be you woman or man.
But to folks who are “blah”
Rick Santorum says “Nah!”
It’s the “blah” people Ricky will pan.
In case you were wondering, Rick Santorum still thinks states have the right to outlaw contraception. Why? Because it’s “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
Limerick Ode To Sex-Obsessed Santorum
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Contraception’s immoral, says Rick,
Cuz it licenses sex with a chick
To whom you ain’t wed.
So ban it instead!
Vote Santorum: Stop sex that is sick.
A Cautionary Election Year Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
At long last, a new year is upon us,
And the fate of our land hinges on us.
Pay attention to news
And beware of skewed views.
Time to stop letting evil pols con us.
Rick Perry’s latest “oops” moment reminds me of this old SNL parody debate line: “It was my understanding that there would be no math.”
I’m referring to Perry’s “impressive” U.S. budget cut pledge:
Rick Perry made another slip on Saturday when he pledged to cut a whopping $5 trillion from President Barack Obama’s proposed budget – a number which is $1.3 million higher than Obama’s total budget, CBS News reported.
Limerick Ode To Math-Challenged Perry
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Perry’s “oops” lines continue to mount.
Of wisdom the guy ain’t a fount:
Touts a huge budget cut
Which exceeds the whole nut.
Guess we don’t need a prez who can count.
Mitt Romney told the New York Times that Newt Gingrich is too “zany” to be U.S. president.
Mitt Critiques Newt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Newt Gingrich is “zany,” says Mitt,
Which makes him for prez quite unfit.
I’m no Mitt devotee,
But I can’t help agree.
“Zany’s” best saved for toons or a skit.
Confessed serial adulterer Newt Gingrich has taken the Family Leader no-adultery pledge, which includes this statement: “I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.”
Apparently, the following limerick was stricken from an earlier draft:
Newt’s Pledge (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
No adult’ry for me, pledges Newt.
I’ve given my cheating the boot.
I’ve confessed and repented.
My soul’s reinvented.
And I can’t get it up, so it’s moot.
In the wake of Mitt Romney’s misplaced $10,000 bet, the “Intrade political futures market shows Mitt Romney’s chances of winning the GOP presidential nomination dropping to 40% today, while Newt Gingrich’s chances have surged to 37%.”
Mitt’s Losing Bet (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Mitt’s ten-thousand dollar faux pas
Makes Republican voters say, “Bah!”
So betting is strong
That Romney’s gone wrong,
And that Newt will get voters’ “Hurrah!”
Tonight’s Drake University, Iowa Republican Presidential Debate, hosted by ABC News and moderated by Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos, looks to be pivotal:
Gunning For Gingrich (Limerick)
They’re gunning for Gingrich tonight.
Opponents are poised for a fight.
The GOP’s freaking:
No more are they seeking
Non-Romney, with Newt as their plight.
A Trump-moderated Republican debate? Even Karl Rove says it’s a terrible idea.
Damn! Me — agreeing with Karl Rove. That’s seriously scary!
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney did the classy thing, for once, adding his name to the list of candidates who’ve declined the Trump Debate Invite. So far, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, and Romney have declined to participate, while Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum have accepted.
Limerick Ode To The Immoderate Donald Trump
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Debate moderation’s an art,
And practitioners need to be smart,
Diplomatic, well versed—
In the topic immersed.
Donald Trump? Not just bad. Off the chart!
UPDATE: Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has come out against the Donald Trump debate, citing as his reason Trump’s ongoing flirtation with an independent run for president. Additionally Perry has now declined his debate invitation.
Once upon a time, way back in August 2011, Jon Huntsman was a voice of sanity on climate change. He even tweeted, “To be clear, I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.”
But I suppose desperate poll numbers make for pathetic pandering.
In a move that’s sure to endear him to the conservatives who are starting to warm up to the former Utah governor, Huntsman said Tuesday under questioning from TPM that he now believes there’s “more debate yet to play out” before we can be sure climate change is really happening.
Huntsman Changes His Climate Change Tune (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Huntsman’s climate-change views once were sane.
But no more — he’s tossed truth down the drain.
Now he wants “more debate.”
Yes he’s flip-flopped to rate.
He’s debased — deep in Romney terrain.
No matter which Republican candidate fades or drops out, the poll numbers beneficiary always seems to be Not-Mitt:
In the first national public opinion poll on the GOP presidential candidate contest since Herman Cain suspended his campaign Saturday, our survey finds frontrunner Newt Gingrich with a 14% lead over his closest challenger, Mitt Romney.
“Newtering” Mitt
By Madeleine Begun Kane
I’m beginning to feel Romney’s pain:
Cain’s loss is Newt Gingrich’s gain.
Though opponents may fade,
Romney just can’t persuade
Their supporters to back his domain.
Herman Cain’s Gone, But The Mockery Carries On (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Herman Cain has dropped out of contention
With his primary contest suspension.
But there’s plenty to mock:
Perry’s gaffes and Mitt’s shock
At the cocky Newt Gingrich ascension.
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her non-political humor blog, or stop by her home page.