A professor, while teaching a class,
Called one of his students an ass;
Not a classy remark,
But his class (this is stark)
Loudly cheered his assessment en masse.
National Teacher Day, also known as Teacher Appreciation Day, is celebrated during the first full week of May, on a Tuesday.
If you’re wearing a shoe that is black
And another that’s brown, is that wack?
Not today; On May third
It’s endorsed – not absurd –
Your defense, should you get any flack.
Happy Wear Two Different Colored Shoes Day. (May 3)
Today’s “Hug A Friend Day.” I WON’T be celebrating.
Dear friends, kindly keep off my face.
Do not kiss me and please don’t embrace.
I’m bugged by your hugs.
Pushy kissers are thugs.
So unless you’re my spouse, you’re off base.
Dear plumber, your ass crack ain’t pretty.
To be honest, it’s looking quite gritty.
So we’re begging you: “Please,
“If you’re feeling a breeze,
“Pull your pants up.” — The Owners’ Committee.
April 25 is Hug A Plumber Day.
We should all give a virtual hug
To newspersons. Kindly don’t shrug;
Though they sure could do better,
We need them to fetter
Vile pols, oh so thuggish and smug.
Happy Hug A Newsperson Day! (April 4)
March 24 is International Day For Achievers.
To the “Day for Achievers,” say “Nay!”
It’s superfluous! Nix the hurray!
Why let praise-swelled heads spread?
My proposal, instead:
Let’s give UNDERachievers their day.
It’s essential to celebrate smells–
Just the good ones, of course; Nothing quells
A good mood like a stink,
Which might possibly shrink
The terrain where your fella’s brain dwells.
Happy National Fragrance Day! (March 21)
While in law school I’d frequently curse
My poor mem’ry, which now’s become worse.
And this ain’t just a riff;
I’ll be jubilant if
I remember to finish this verse.
Happy Memory Day! (March 21)
Sorry, but I refuse to celebrate “Get Over It” Day. (March 9)
Dear pest, if you’re looking to irk,
Unsolicited counsel will work;
The “get over it” phrase
Is likely to raise
My hackles and drive me berserk.
’Tis a day we should celebrate proofreading.
While not fool-proof, it helps avert goof-reading.
And, like many, I’m vexed
By the typo-strewn text
Found in poetry, fiction, and spoof-reading.
Happy National Proofreading Day!
Please don’t be deterred: It’s “Be Heard Day.”
(Some call it a “dumb and absurd day.”)
Being heard’s a great goal.
Staying mum takes its toll.
Don’t convert it to “message deferred” day.
It’s “Leap Day,” a day that is rare,
Which strikes me as rather unfair;
Leap Days fall just in years
Deemed “bissextile.” No leers
Please at “sex” in that term. Don’t you dare!
A woman who never had bowled
Married into that sport-loving fold.
Forced to play — what a pickle!
But luck is so fickle;
Once beleaguered, she’s relishing gold.
(February 25 is Go Bowling Day, and the second Saturday in August is National Bowling Day.)
It’s “Quiet Day.” Kindly don’t yell.
Noise is stressful. It’s time that we quell
All the racket and clamor.
Stop pounding that hammer.
Don’t expound with ALL CAPS WHEN YOU SPELL!
Today, February 25, is Quiet Day.
This holiday surely has bite.
People honor it night after night
And each morning, I hope;
At least those who use soap
Should adore “Nylon Toothbrush Day,” right?
Nylon Toothbrush Day is celebrated on February 24th because on February 24, 1938, the first nylon bristle toothbrush, manufactured by DuPont under the name “Dr. West’s Miracle Toothbrush,” went on sale.
While many admire the spider,
To be candid, I can not abide ’er.
When I spied ’er last night,
I eyed ’er with fright
And begged hubby to please outside guide ’er.
(March 14th is National Save A Spider Day.)
Innovation does rate an ovation,
But from change I request a vacation.
So much newness unending
Is stressful, mind-bending.
For salvation I crave a cessation.
Happy National Innovation Day. (February 16).
A fellow named Bill lost his will
To propose to a gal who was shrill;
While down on his knees
He’d started to sneeze,
And she said, “You are making me ill!”
Happy Propose Day! (February 8)
Just in time for Ballet Day (Feb. 7):
Please forget the ballet! There’s no place
On the stage for a gal lacking grace.
All your leaps and pliés
Are debasing displays.
So shoo! You’re a huge waste of space!
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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