Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LEAK or LEEK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: November 13, 2021)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using LEAK or LEEK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to COMPLAINTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best COMPLAINTS-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on November 14, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 13, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my LEAK/LEEK-rhyme limerick:
I encountered a hedgehog last week;
While it hogged our back hedge, caught a peek.
As it foraged and grunted,
For insects it hunted.
I was pleased … till it munched on my leek.
And here’s my COMPLAINTS-themed limerick:
A woman who loved to complain,
Spouting grievances rather inane,
Would quibble and moan,
Making co-workers groan.
Her latest gripe? Jobless again!
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal & Pet Humor, Animal Limerick, Co-Workers Humor, Co-Workers Limerick, Competition Limerick, Complaint Humor, Complaint Limerick, Gripes Limerick, Hedgehog Humor, Hedgehog Limerick, Insect Humor, Insect Limerick, Leeks Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Vegetable Humor, Vegetable Limerick, Vegetation Humor, Workplace & Career Humor, Workplace Limerick, Writing Prompts
For nice vichyssoise, here’s my technique:
Potatoes, of course, at their peak.
Chicken broth, and some cream.
Then imagine a stream,
To remember you must add a leek.
“Holding Up The Line”
I’ve a right to complain ’bout this brat,
Who shops at the store near my flat.
Uses Visa for Kit.
(Then here comes my fit)
And Discover to pay for the Kat.
Oh, Not Again!
Well, Christmas is once again here.
And I wish I could make something clear!
Just send me a sweater,
Without that damn letter
‘Bout what all your kids did this year.
Some guy slept in her garden this week
So she lifted his rug, – took a peek.
His bulge well defined
Disappointed her mind:
Two undersized spuds and a leek.
Sorry, but I must complain about “show business” (This bugs me)
We all know you’ve reached fortune and fame,
Which of course, was your ultimate aim.
If you know how to spell,
Then why in the hell,
Can’t you come up with just one more name?
I‘m not one that likes to complain
But I’ve told this tale time and again.
It’s really a hoot, –
I returned my new …..SHOOT!…
Gotta go, – I’ll be late for my train.
At a think tank, economists seek
For some answers, but hear double-speak.
Think tank experts were wrong,
And have been for too long.
It appears that the tank has a leak.
Today, I feel terribly weak.
So listless, I can’t even speak.
My scholarly daughter
Said, “We’re three quarters water.”
I think I just done sprung a leak.
Complain and leek
“Fresh veggies you’ve come here to seek?
The onion is old? Past its peak?
You’ve complained quite enough.
Please don’t piss me off.
Why don’t you instead take a leek?”
The Titanic once sprung a big leak.
The result, as you know, rather bleak.
There was ice in the ocean
That stopped the ship’s motion.
You never should travel off peak!
“My Evil Plan”
Tomorrow, we’ll have lots of rain.
Only one parking space will remain.
I’ll take it and stay
In my car the whole day.
(I just love to hear people complain.)
Driving Directions:
To get to “Old Care” when it’s raining,
Please listen, I’ll now be explaining.
Though the roads will be wet,
They still won’t be a threat.
Turn right, when you hear the complaining.
A man was caught taking a leak
In Yellowstone Park, just last week
He was given a fine
And had to do time
His wife yelled, “urine trouble, you freak.”
Hallows Eve Plaint
When excrement started to reek
My belly soon felt rather weak
Then it hit the fan
I called the repair man
“I fear my pipe’s started a leak!”
(A couple of old ones …)
Queen Elizabeth struggled and strained
To serve wine to the guests who complained
That the drink had run out.
How she splashed it about!
She never could pour, but she reigned.
(…)
“Ten commandments on stone”, Moses sighed,
“They’re so heavy, I’m starting to slide.
This job is no heaven –”
“LET’S MAKE IT ELEVEN:
THOU SHALT NOT COMPLAIN!”, God replied.
Our cat ate my goldfish, the sneak!
But I fooled the damned pussy this week.
She caught one again,
Took one bite, yowled with pain –
I’d bought a glass fish by Lalique.
A lapel buttonhole, worn for chic,
Is bought fresh every day of the week.
English gents, I disclose,
Mostly favour the rose,
But the Welshmen all swear by the leek.
(Double)
My toilet continues to leak,
And the neighbours complain of the reek.
But the plumber can’t come,
He has broken his thumb,
So we’re calling our bathroom “Shit Creek”.
It’s true, I can’t swallow a leek;
It could stay in my mouth for a week.
This practice is fine
When in private I dine,
But in public, it takes too much cheek.
He knows I’m a little bit runny.
He’s true and will still be my honey.
Albeit I leak,
I’m stylish and chic.
But please don’t say anything funny.
The Good News And The Bad News
Don’t be so distressed, Mrs. Brown.
Please smile dear, get rid of that frown.
I can’t fix your leak.
Your pipes are too weak.
But at least, all your termites will drown.
A woman who fancied a Greek
Stole into his garden last week.
He said, “I can see
You are taking a pea.”
And she said, “No. I’m taking a leek.”
I think that this boat needs some sealing.
I feel like a drunk who is reeling.
It must be a leak.
Won’t you please take a peek?
I just have that real sinking feeling.
Said the doctor, “I thought you had flu;
But I’ve run tests like good doctors do.
Trypanosomiasis
Is what your complaint is –
Will you wake up – I’m speaking to you!”
Complaint Dept. “Pure Bull”
“Mrs. Johnson, I want you to know
We’re “upgrading” so we can grow.”
“Oh my! I’m impressed
By the way you expressed:
“And now you will owe much more dough.”
“Trick or Treat” at our neighborhood coven
Is the day for their annual love-in.
But one hitch makes me bitch —
It’s that witch with the glitch
Always itching to light up the oven.
“Can’t stand it, this place is a mob!
And our waiter! He looks like a slob!
Don’t mean to complain,
So I’ll clearly explain:
As your wife, it is part of my job.”
The plumbing went haywire, I shriek.
Not just due to the damage from leak.
But dealing with cracks,
What exposed from slacks.
Were four of the ugliest cheeks.
The waitress just ranted and roared,
dissing friends and the boss she abhorred.
“Don’t you Have any scruples?”
I said (with wide pupils)
She said “No luv, just what’s on the board”
I’m rewriting lim’s bawdy (though beautiful),
to ensure that this page stays reputable.
It’s a noble pursuit
for words, that best suit
Fucking prudes who complain they’re unsuitable.
correcting mistakes
The plumbers went haywire, she shrieks.
From worsening damaging leaks.
Most disturbing of cracks,
Had slid from their slacks.
Which were four of their frightening cheeks.
The Trump train just fell from a peak
while the Trump boat sprang its latest leak
and the Trump mobile’s veering
(something’s wrong with the steering),
but they’ll be back to torment next week!
Just shortly from sliding off slacks.
He climaxed. She’s dropping the axe.
Not from size of his rod,
That logic is flawed.
It’s between the two ears that he lacks.
A concupiscent woman named Trask
Took her clueless young boyfriend to task:
“You don’t know very much
About where you should touch.
If you need some directions, just ask!”
Definition Of Argument
If you and your spouse are quite prone
To bicker, lock horns, and to groan,
You’re complaining as well.
And isn’t it swell
To kill two cute birds with one stone?
Another Ten Commandments Limerick: Let’s Make It Nine
One Commandment is causing me strife,
See, I got a real satisfied life.
It’s not fair; must complain!
It just makes me insane.
I’ve been coveting thy neighbor’s wife.
She said to the manager, Shane
“I’m not really one to complain,
But your wait-staffer spilled
As my wine glass was filled;
And gave me the look of this stain.”
A camper on break took a leak
In an outhouse made wholly of teak;
He finished his whizz–
“What a nice place this is!”
And stayed there the rest of the week.
Yes I do use so much techno speak;
Gigabytes, cyberspace, Wiki leak;
So whatever I tweak
On my limerick streak,
It’s all Greek to the non- techno geek!
To get an appointment, it’s weeks?
My body has creaks, and it squeaks.
The complaint that’s the worst,
I should have said first.
That e-ver-y orifice leaks!
Guess this would be a bad situation for a car too!
As young Lads we’d have comp’s in our road:
Height and distance in “Power-Pee” mode.
Now I’m old I’m piss weak, –
So I sit down and leak
In a series of squirts, – like Morse code.
A stoic was hit by a train,
Then dragged through the rain by a chain,
Limbs askew, black and blue,
He was asked “How are you?”
His simple reply: “Can’t complain.”
I used to claim, “mind over matter”
Was the reason for “mind over bladder”
But now that I leak,
I admit that I speak
Substantially more ’bout the latter.
OR
It’s surely not mind over matter
When you have a real unsteady bladder.
And when your darn leak
Has reached its full peak,
Please don’t try to climb up a ladder.
Oops! (Line 5)
It’s surely not mind over matter,
When you have a real unsteady bladder.
And when your darn leak
Has reached its full peak,
You mustn’t try climbing a ladder.
My entry for the special smut category.
Some rumors from Greece once did leak
About love of which no-one dares speak.
An informant did bring us
News about anilingus.
Of course, that is all tongue in cheek
Excessively gassy, and squeak.
Was burping before, now I creak.
I’m feeling chagrin,
Having positive spin.
If wearing Depends, I can leak.
“She Killed Him”
Mr. Henderson’s future is bleak.
His wife Mary is one evil sneak.
She committed a sin.
Made him soup and put in
The inedible part of a leek.
I was making some bubble-and-squeak
When my wife said “I wish you would speak
In a less vulgar way!”
I had happened to say
“There’s no cabbage – I’ll just take a leek.”
As the planet gets hotter each summer
Pollies spew CO2 and seem dumber
It’s the bullshit they speak
While they silently leak
More methane, – We’re doomed, – what a bummer!
I’ve tried not to have many complaints
With the world and its many restraints
Well, I thought I was fine
Till someone drew a line
Through my ifs and my buts and my ain’ts
Your onion breath just makes me freak.
And your garlic breath sure makes you reek.
So try not to smell.
If you don’t, it’s “farewell”
And don’t waste your time trying a leek.
(That stinks too)
Not yet do not dare take a peek
With what I’ve made you this past week
Down low in the fridge
Is a smooth and splendid
Soup I’ve prepared from a leek
Mint coin makers’ complaint is punny.
Being worked much too hard’s not funny.
On the job, they dislike
Work conditions. They’ll strike
With a goal that they’ll make less money.
Their factory barely afloat.
Executives trimming the bloat.
Then the helium leak,
and explosion last week.
The workers went out on high note.
I write lim’riks. She hates it and whines.
Always grumping, “It just undermines
Our emotional bond.”
Then she kvetches beyond
My complaint rule, of “only five lines.”
“Warning”
The greeting of, “Hi, how are you?”
May put you in one real bad stew.
Any grump could complain
About many-a pain.
Might be better to just say, “How do”
The rhythm, that’s difficult stuff,
And learning to integrate, tough.
Now rhyme I have grasped,
That’s easier clasped.
But together, that’s more than enough.
With rhythm, I frequently howl,
My facial expression a scowl.
But “Rhymezone” provides,
Some remarkable guides.
Without it, would throw in the towel.
Our new house was a steal, (very chic)
It came with a lovely antique
Bedroom set, in lime green,
A new washing machine,
And 12 buckets for ev-er-y leak.
Mum said “Love you, but really must stress:
Don’t go shopping in such a short dress.
You’ll attract the cat-calls
Cos it’s showing your balls
And darling, – your wig is a mess”.
A Rewrite (L5)
Our new house was a steal, (very chic)
It came with a lovely antique
Bedroom set, in lime green,
A new washing machine,
And a bucket for ev-er-y leak.
A True Autobiography
“Complaints” is the theme, I’m a pro.
It started 6 decades ago.
I launched my complaining.
I’m the queen of sustaining.
And the kvetchiest person I know.
His girlfriend I never heard speak.
She possessed a plump, curvy physique
And he liked her like that.
But the whole thing went flat
When the “gal,” by mischance, sprang a leak.
I went to Doc Senile last week.
He said, “Let us try something unique.
“Here’s epoxy, he said.
Squeeze it all ’round your head.
It’ll plug up your memory leak.”
My dear love I have one big complaint;
Your perfume makes me often feel faint;
Your strong scent in the air
I hardly can bear,
So I’ll kiss with no lack of restraint.
better wording
I went to Doc Senile last week.
Who claimed that his “cure” was unique.
“Here’s epoxy”, he said.
“Squeeze it all ’round your head.
It’ll plug up your memory leak.”
She’s anxious, depressed, in a fix.
Complaining, wants permanent nix.
I said, “Temporal gift.
To give you a lift.
Just listen to music by Styx.”
Come Sail Away
The teacher feels woozy and faint,
Whenever a student says “ain’t”;
It’s a grammatical curse,
And becomes even worse,
Every time a pupil says “tain’t”.
“Saints preserve us!” some people pray,
When life isn’t going their way;
Some saints may serve us,
But sure can’t preserve us–
And that’s about all you can say.
I give Orchids and Onions all week —
Mostly onions (the world can be bleak).
Today’s onion goes to
A rapscallion who,
As he entered my yard took a leek.
Complaints: Hotels “Dirty Hands”
Hotels may be chic, but the rub
Has to do with a real tiny nub.
The soap that you get
Is quite helpful, but yet
Its size gives you only one scrub.
Universal Husband Complaint: “I just can’t win”
Listen close, and you’ll hear husbands groan.
They’re all living in “I Can’t Win Zone.”
It’s the end of the fight.
He says, “Oh yes, you’re right”
But still, she does not like your “tone.”
My beagle named Bagel won’t fetch.
She’s just a cantankerous wretch.
All day in the park
She’ll sit there and bark.
Oy vey! Where’d that bitch learn to kvetch?
I found myself way up shit creek
With no paddle. I started to freak,
And to cry and to curse:
“Could this get any worse?”
Then I saw my canoe had a leak.
In a southern inn under a shroud,
Found a gator in bed he avowed.
The inn keeper maligned,
Then pointed to a sign,
Which clearly states “no pets allowed”.
The boat looked strong, made of teak.
But when it started to leak
The crew with a jolt
Began to revolt
And the captain then started to shriek.
“It’s A Hot Day”
Mr. Frosty must feel very weak.
He oozed out, and his future is bleak.
It’s makin’ me blue.
Though, he might have gone through
A meltdown, and not a true leak.
My mustache is wide and quite thick,
So the corners aren’t easy to lick.
When it’s freezing and bleak
and my nose starts to leak
Than my stachecycles hang past my dick.
“G” Rated Version
My mustache is wide and not thin
But it’s still quite easy to grin.
When it’s freezing and bleak
and my nose starts to leak
Then my stachecycles hang past my chin.
Telemarketers, traffic, it taints.
Too hot or too cold, the constraints.
My life is enjoyed,
Not annoyed, there’s a void.
Like complaining about my complaints.
Engine blown and the boat has a leak.
Unprepared our future looks bleak.
If we had a paddle,
We could skedaddle.
Instead, we’re now up shits creek.
My children are seven and nine.
They rarely have stepped out of line.
But complaining, when caught,
They both have been taught.
In the corner, on chair with behin.’
Mrs. Cratchit who thought, “I can’t eke
out eight meals with one cabbage and leek,”
Spied Bob’s fish in its bowl,
Then Tim’s mouse in its hole,
And decided on Bubble and Squeak.
I should get some more sleep I suppose.
I’m in flux between lim’rick and doze.
If there’s one place I ‘own’
It’s this weird twilight zone
Where my lim’ and my eyes just won’t close.
“Let’s go. Buckle up. Do not talk.
Cuz all that you do, is just balk.
You won’t get real far.
And I Will stop this car,
If I hear one complaint, take a walk.
The Mob’s limerick comps were not ‘soft’
But I miss them, – they’re gone (someone coughed).
Those gangsters and boozers
were really sore losers:
Win too many times? – you’d be Off’d!
Universal Complaint: “Where Is The Hozone?”
The “Ark”, now equipped, left the dock.
And 2 of each kind! What a flock!
Yet Noah complained
The whole time that it rained:
“All this time, and I still have one sock.”
better
Telemarketer, traffic and litter,
No parking, I post it on Twitter.
A grumble, enjoyed.
No annoyance, a void
With complaining, indeed, I’m no quitter.
“Sorry About Complaining, But….”
Remarked all the real hungry pigeons,
“We respect all the many religions.
Yet we still have to groan,
(In our reverent tone):
We’re sick of these darn matzo smidgens.”
There once grew a rose on Nantucket.
I confess that I just had to pluck it.
There was a complaint.
Some lady did faint
When she saw in what hole I had stuck it.
Had serviced request this past week.
Another unplugging of sink.
It suffered this fate,
From what kid had on plate.
To flagrantly free him from leek.
Upon testing the broth, Chef cried, “Eek!
Who among you has made my soup reek?!”
When the whole stinking mess
Then got spilled to the press,
Although pressed, none confessed to the leek.
Recipe For Success: Mix Well
In a bowl, place a very fresh leek.
Add some sauerkraut, (though it may reek.)
Then some ice cream, one prune.
Cauliflower, and soon,
You will sprint and be good for a week.
My folks used to call me “The Saint”
Not one thought in their minds ’bout restraint.
But then I converted.
And became real perverted.
After answering Portnoy’s complaint.
I, too, have read “Portnoy’s Complaint”.
A serious novel, it ain’t.
Having sex with some liver
The thought makes me quiver.
But ya gottta admit that it’s quaint.
**************
From Mad Kane:
I read Portnoy’s Complaint several decades ago, and the only thing I remember about it IS the liver.
“A Limerick In Very Poor Taste”
Philip Roth! Not a nice Jewish boy!
Didn’t bring his poor Ima much joy!
And from my home state!
That sure made me irate!
Had to move to real crude Illinois!
Don’t Complain!
Thanksgiving is coming, it’s wise
To avoid all those real yummy pies.
If you don’t, you will whine,
“Though the sweets were divine
They seem to have fused with my thighs.”
Oy vey, how that Portnoy could kvetch!
He was such a nebbishy letch.
But what he loved best,
As you might have guessed,
Was his mommy. That Oedipal wretch!
In Alaska the winters are bleak,
So, it’s not for the timid or weak.
And a warm furry hand,
In this frozen wasteland,
Is a boon when you’re taking a leak.
“I am loath to complain—” “But here goes.”
“I object to you picking your nose.
Avoid contact with snout
When you’re peeling a sprout,
And the same holds for picking your toes.”
“Please forgive, I don’t like to impose
But that drip at the end of your nose?
Every time it’s been twitched
Has dislodged and enriched
The main course. Oh, no, no one else knows.”
With limerick crafting, some bleak
There’s several sidelined, too weak.
Where does whimsical hit?
I blush to admit.
It’s likely when taking a leak.
When a guy likes to argue and wrangle
Over topics too vague to untangle,
If he claims his mystique
Stems from being oblique,
You can bet he’s a guy with an angle.
The old car had reached its peak
When it suddenly sprung a leak
They tried to repair
Was ;eft in despair
Not wanting to leave their antique
A employee showed up at the bank
Wearing a brand new pair of spanxs
She was written up fast
For showing her ass
Then tells everybody thanks
If you want to complain, have no fear.
Come to “Bygone”, we’ll lend you an ear.
Though we’re over the hill,
You can always fulfill
All those needs. Ev’ry day. We can’t hear.
Don’t presume that by sneaking a peak
While I’m shitting or taking a leak
You will learn something new;
No, your gaze toward the loo
Shows just this: You are one creepy freak!
I’m so tired of your droning and groaning.
Your woes are a bore; please stop moaning!
You’re making me weary—
Enough with the dreary!
Effective today, please stop phoning.
Last week, I was crowned “Birthday Queen”
(Is my hubby real dumb, or just mean?)
He knows that I leak.
But this “not a clue geek”
Bestowed me “The Slick Trampoline”
Complaints: What’s This Nonsense About Turning The Clocks Back
And Then Turning Them Ahead?
Dear Hawaii, my packing is done.
Can’t wait to just bask in your sun.
You don’t turn your clocks,
And that really rocks.
I can’t even add one and one.
Complaint: Stop Talking!
Have you noticed that sometimes you find
A person who’s very inclined
To chatter and gabble
And prattle and babble
While you’re killing them right in your mind?
“Mornin’, Doc! It’s about my complaint.
You declared it would mend – well, it ain’t.
You can call me perverse,
But I think it’s got worse.
Take a look, Doc – and try not to faint.”
“Now you know I don’t like to complain—”
“Oh, pshaw! It’s your constant refrain.
When you cut out the gripes,
And the nasty sideswipes,
You’ll be speechless – and I’ll pee champagne.”
“The Eternal Complaint”
Your holiday dinner won’t be
Really perfect, I sure guarantee.
It was great; coffee’s ready.
Hold on and keep steady.
There’s always one guest who wants tea.
At a sixty-five-plus class in Boulder,
When I read in their “Climb New Heights” folder:
“What might you (or your peers),
Hope to be in five years?”
Only thing I could grumble was, “Older.”
The constant complaints are insane.
Can’t feign fascination, a drain.
Have a growing despair.
Need to step out for air.
So I leaped from the taxiing plane.
Let’s Just Be Friends, ok?
“All vegetables make me real weak.
(Said Adam) “They sag my physique”
Sneaky Eve, who was fickle,
No more liked his pickle.
And exchanged her fig leaf to fig leek.
(At the “Garden of Eden Bloomingdale’s”)
Rewrite “Capricious Eve”
“All vegetables make me real weak.”
(Said Adam), “They sag my physique.”
Sneaky Eve who was fickle,
And sick of his pickle
Exchanged her fig leaf for fig leek.
(At the very first Bloomingdale’s Mesoptamia)
Invited some friends from my coven,
Numerous, gracious and love in.
Should be turkey aroma,
Then a carbo-load coma.
But forgot to turn on the oven.
Amadeus H. Goldberg loves God,
And we know that his name is quite odd.
It’s redundant, that’s plain,
Is that cause to complain?
No way! I am certain you’re awed.
Of course, we’re all familiar with the works of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Friedrich Gottlieb Klopstock.
Correction. Delete previous posting.
Amadeus H. Gottlieb loves God,
And we know that his name is quite odd.
It’s redundant, that’s plain,
Is that cause to complain?
No way! I am certain you’re awed.
Of course, we’re all familiar with the works of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Friedrich Gottlieb Klopstock.
A sad married couple from Sonnet
Sought counseling to do work upon it
“I know,” the man said
“Her complaint is in bed,
But I can’t put my finger quite on it.”
I envisioned a chance in a will.
So married the sickly old Phil.
While cursing the wait,
Said, “I’m poisoning mate.
That bitter old Phil left me nil!”
Aunt Onion felt she had to speak
To her odd nephew, Larry the Leek”
“There’s gossip and talk
Since you started to stalk
And shoot! You’re a family freak!”
He’s lacking the skill with details.
Just horrid with hammer and nails.
Not dignified bed,
No comfort for head.
The nails in the coffin impales.
With each step I take, my bones creak.
And most of the day I will leak.
So I put on my ring,
And real stylish bling.
I still creak. I still leak. Yet I’m chic.
Philosophical Physics?
High School test
An imaginary eel’s dropped in batter:
Find displacement and calculate spatter.
Don’t ‘Ethics’ appeal.
This eel isn’t real,
It will writhe and will reel, – But won’t Matter.
With apologies (and love) to Douglas Adam’s.
‘DEEP THOUGHT’s jealous off-sider (named TESS)
Said: To Be AND to Not be? – No stress, –
It’s a Quantum conundrum
Forty Two is just humdrum:
D’you exist AND d’you Not exist? – YES!
In their pail, Jack and Jill found a leak.
All those extra climbs made them real weak.
Then lo and behold,
(As if it were gold)
They discovered an alkaline creek.
Covid problems have left quite a taint
On my getaway, cozy and quaint.
Since the workforce is thin,
There’s no room at the inn,
So I asked, “Can I lodge a complaint?”
Please delete Nov 9. 12.09pm.
With apologies (and love) to Douglas Adams.
DEEP THOUGHT’s jealous rival (named TESS)
Said: To Be AND to Not be? – No stress, –
It’s your Quantum conundrum
Forty Two is just humdrum:
D’you exist AND d’you Not exist? – YES!
Correction Of Limerick: Nov.5, 6:32 PM
The Ark, now equipped, left the dock.
And 2 of each kind! What a flock!
Yet Noah complained
The whole time it rained
“I still can’t find ONE matching sock.”
Especially Painful Diet ( aren’t they all painful? )
The pamphlet says nothing past noon.
I’m cranky, annoyed, then I swoon.
It’s time that I bail.
Accept I’m a whale.
The proof, have been struck with harpoon.
Plumbers Charge Too Much! “My Shrinking House”
Not to brag, but my house is real quaint.
It used to be big, now it ain’t.
Ev’ry time there’s a leak,
I apply my technique
Which is called “one more new coat of paint.”
They say that my libido’s weak
In spite of my gorgeous physique.
I’d be all intact
Except for the fact
I’ve got a testosterone leak.
“Saving Money On Water”
I’m well-groomed, and I have a unique
Real fabulous washing technique:
I completely undress.
Then fetch the “Caress”
And scrub myself under a leak.
A woman whose taste was unique
Collected all objects antique
While in Paris she got
A crystal piss POT
So she now takes a leak in Lalique
“Melodic Complaint”
I’ve lost all my friends, they accuse
Me of having real negative views.
That makes me upset.
I’m just trying to get
A career in singin’ the blues.
On the island of Lesbos again
I met some real Lesbians, but then
Imagine my shock
(Should I grumble or mock?)
One half of those Lesbians were men!
With sister, I’m growing more bitter.
Practicing craft. I’m a knitter.
She has tangled up skein.
But instead of complain.
Will roll into ball, and then hit her.
A couple were bitchin’ and moanin’
That airplanes they’d recently flown in
Had rest rooms so cramped
That they thoroughly damped
Expectations of aerial bonin’.
Left some ambiguity – overhaul
Practicing craft, I’m a knitter
With sister, I’m growing more bitter.
She has tangled up skein.
But instead of complain.
Rolled yarn into ball, used to hit her.
Complaints: “Unnecessary Suggestion”
We know that you want to convey
To the caller, “right now you’re away.”
The message is clear,
But there’s no need to hear
That superfluous, “Have a nice day.”
Another Way Of Putting It: Complaints
We all know that you want to convey
To the callers “right now you’re away.
If perhaps, they are bleeding,
They for sure, won’t be needing
Your suggestion of “Have a nice day.”
“I’m a man of few words” he said, “Get it?
Let’s have sex now,- you’ll never regret it”
After one moment’s pause
She said “My place or yours?”
He said “Arguing!? – Best we forget it!”
Serious Complaint
Today, things are not going right.
Just how will I get through this plight?
My foot fell asleep.
I’m beginning to weep.
Cuz now it’ll be up all night.
Impartial was I, (never weak.)
How impressed people were when I’d speak!
I weighed ev’ry perspective.
Was completely objective.
Till my open mind started to leak.
Thy cup runneth over? No way!
Thy smugness thou shouldst keep a bay.
Thine eyes must be weak.
Thy cup hath a leak.
Just smite it and cast it away.
To Ensure Appearance of Fair Trial
He can’t seem to control his pique
I saw the judge’s outburst leak
Young Kyle is on stage
To plead for no cage
Judicial demeanor is weak
“I’m a man of few words, – You’re a Hon’
Lets’ have sex Now, – I want you, – A Ton!”
After one moment’s pause
She said “My place or yours?”
He said “Quibbling!? – Forget it! – I’m Done!”
He thought: ‘Being direct could bring Luck’.
So he Said “G’day Ma’am, – Wanna Fuck?”
His way with semantics
Turned Off her ‘romantics’:
“I DO! ….not with You, – you big Schmuck!”
To her young son at the produce store,
She said, “We can come here no more —
When I said ‘take a leek’
You dumb little freak,
I didn’t mean pee on the floor!”
“Those small red dots which your face taint,”
The doctor addressed my complaint,
“Arent’ from some disease,
Nor bites from some fleas,
You simply don’t know how to paint.”
Complaints:
Here is something I’ll always recall:
We thought we would have such a ball.
To China we went.
Wasted money we spent.
Just to stand there and stare at a wall.
Complaints
Our vacation, so carefully planned
Turned out to be terribly bland.
To Bermuda we went.
Wasted money we spent.
The beach just had way too much sand.
The complaint is an art and a science,
a lackluster form of defiance-
so go find your victim
deliver your dictum
then pester them into compliance.
A musically gifted Italian
was a farmer who won a medallion
for a novel technique
of marketing leek
which earned him the title “rapscallion.”
What was the grapes only line?
When then pinched in his divine.
Nothing of note
But I can quote
He gave up a little wine.
Dogs head in car with a wink.
Out the window in a blink.
If you ask why,
He would reply,
Boy how those people do stink.
The tin man was rolled over when
A steamroller hit him and then,
Not to settle,
Used his metal.
Said curses! I’m foil again.
Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, November 13, so please get your straggler limericks in.
Although my usual deadline is 4 pm ET, I’m extending tomorrow’s deadline until 10 pm, because I expect to be out late Saturday night.
When a bagel has a fit.
Leaves the table, tries to quit.
So here’s a cure
Of which I’m sure.
You can just put lox on it.
I’d booked an exotic vacation
At a gay S&M destination.
But damn! What a bummer!
They shut down last summer.
Gotta settle for self-flagellation.
After two weeks at Mum’s (in Balmain),
My wife ‘eased’ the strain (on the train.)
Train’s horn and I blew.
Pocket-dial: “..Jack?…that you?
Tell me, – When are you coming again?”
When I walked in I thought I would faint:
Creepy-crawlies and old peeling paint.
I just checked Your brochure
You roach, – it’s not Kosher.
Re-fund, or tomorrow you Ain’t !!
Complaint
I’m always a very good sport,
Yet abhorred this real fancy resort.
It’s not that I’m petty,
But returned the spaghetti.
It just was a tad bit too short.
“We would like twin beds.” (suing the hotel)
“We did not want to sleep in the same
Bed, cuz cause we knew we’d feel “shame”
But you gave us a double,
And now I’m in trouble.
And pregnant, and you are to blame.”
Correction! (2 limericks above)
I’m always a very good sport.
Yet, I just do not like this resort.
It’s not that I’m petty,
But take back the spaghetti.
It’s one centimeter too short.
Correction of typo line 2 (Nov.12–12:54 am)
Thy cup runneth over? No way!
Thy smugness thou shouldst keep at bay.
Thine eyes must be weak.
Thy cup hath a leak.
Just smite it and cast it away.
As the giant dam sprung a leak.
He leaped in a boat feeling bleak.
Without paddle or oar
He can’t make the shore.
Now he really is up the creek.
The old couple danced cheek to cheek,
In the moonlight down by the creek.
She sighed this is bliss
But soon felt remiss
When he ran off to take a leak.
For the Welsh, only three things exist.
Rugby football, of course, heads that list.
Male-voice choirs – they’re the peak –
So, that just leaves the leek – –
Nope! I can’t. I’m so sorry, I’m pissed. (Drunk)
In these days of big brother, to sneak
May well see one arraigned before beak. (Magistrate)
“Were you buying cocaine?”
“I was desperate!” “Explain!”
“Please, your honour, I needed a leak.”
Cock-a-Leekie’s no cause for submission
To the care of a trusted clinician.
It’s a soup that’s unique,
Made from chicken and leek,
Not an older man’s penile condition.
The PM, when asked if he’d Lied.
said NO, (Y’all know God’s on my side).
Now Labor is crying:
He lied when denying
He’d lied about “nothing to hide”.
At the beach, as he sank his third cold ‘n
He soon felt to Nature beholden.
– Waded in for a leak
(Seemed like first one this week)
Thinking: ‘Ecstasy! Silence is Golden’
Jack rolled down the hill through a thicket,
Grousing, “Life is just one sticky wicket,”
Then swore at his bucket,
Not trusting the luck it
Took every day not to kick it.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 482. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Cruise.