Limerick Floor (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was perched on the floor…*

or

A fellow demanded the floor…*

or

A gal was re-tiling her floor…*

or

A fellow would frequently floor…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Floor
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A ranter demanded the floor.
He was plastered and hard to ignore.
How he stewed and he prattled!
The chair, rather rattled,
Threw his gavel and hammered that bore.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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84 Responses to “Limerick Floor (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Brian Allgar says:

    Our puppy had pooped on the floor
    In a corner that I never saw.
    When I asked my wife: “Hell!
    What on earth is that smell?”
    She replied, “Well, it ain’t my Dior.”

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    He had buried her under the floor
    In a box that he made with his saw,
    But her blood, while congealing,
    Leaked right through the ceiling;
    The neighbours complain of the gore.

  3. Brian Allgar says:

    The Speaker said “Please take the flas”
    To the Senator from Arkansas.
    He replied, “Well, gee, thanks”
    As he prised up the planks
    Which he sold to the carpentry stas.

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    A lovely French hooker called Flore
    Was famed as ‘the swallowing whore’.
    She said “Bodily juices
    A blowjob produces
    Taste better as ‘esprit de corps’.”

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    With a blow of his fist, he would floor
    Any fellow with whom he was sore.
    But he once hit his wife,
    And she wielded her knife;
    Now her trophies hang over the door.

  6. Brian Allgar says:

    That wretched bird’s crapped on my floor
    From its perching-place over the door!
    Tomorrow, I hope
    The new cleaner will cope,
    Young what’s-her-name … oh, yes, “Lenore”.

  7. A woman was lying on the floor
    When her husband walked through the door.
    He ruefully assessed,
    As the milkman got dressed,
    That his milk would be costing much more.

  8. The boxer lies flat on the floor,
    The referee’s count reaches “FOUR!”
    He pirouettes and then
    Begins counting again …
    (He once ran a ballet dance corps.)

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    A snake in the grass-covered floor
    Said “This apple’s a fruit you’ll adore.”
    Eve and Adam tucked in,
    And because of their sin,
    We’re all rotten right through to the core.

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    The boxer was down on the floor,
    And the ref. counted “One, two, three, four ..”
    When the count had reached ten,
    The chap leapt up again
    Saying “Taking a dive pays me more.”

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    The composer was pacing the floor;
    John Cage had forgotten his score.
    So he gave them instead
    A piece straight from his head -
    Some minutes of silence, just four.

  12. Brian Allgar says:

    I am beating my fists on the floor;
    This is really becoming a chore,
    For it’s limerick day,
    And my wife has her say:
    She insists that I write ten or more

  13. Brian Allgar says:

    To David McCormick:

    I hadn’t seen your ‘boxer’ piece before writing mine!

  14. Colonialist says:

    A fellow demanded the floor
    Though known as a terrible bore –
    So instead of on stage,
    Everyone, in a rage
    Directed him out of the door.

  15. Colonialist says:

    A woman was perched on the floor,
    As, after drinks, often before -
    For being that low
    At least she would know
    She couldn’t fall off any more!

  16. Fred Bortz says:

    The economy fell through the floor,
    And we fought that despicable war.
    How we got in that boat is
    The fault of that SCOTUS:
    Its vote five-to-four Bush v. Gore

  17. scott says:

    A woman was perched on the floor
    she threw down her sponge and she swore
    and screamed at her gent
    “that is not what I meant
    when I told you to use the back door!”

  18. John Sardo says:

    A fellow demanded the floor
    Gave a speech a saint it would bore.
    Some listeners would weep
    Some just fell asleep
    And drowned out the speech with a snore.

  19. John Sardo says:

    A gal was re-tiling the floor
    When she heard a knock on the door
    She wasn’t a prude
    So she worked in the nude
    And rushed to the door to find Pastor Nabore.

  20. ytcai says:

    The Speaker demanded the floor
    To vote down the ACA once more
    Even though it is law
    Poor John Boehner saw
    A chance with vote four forty four

  21. Errol Nimbly says:

    A heckler called out from the floor,
    “Sir, listening to you is a chore.
    Before taking the podium,
    Take some Imodium;
    Verbal diarrhea’s a bore.”

  22. ytcai says:

    Her undies were down on the floor
    And bra was draped over the door
    The dress on the chair
    Stockings over there
    Dressing Barbie at the toy store

  23. Randy Mazie says:

    A woman was perched on the floor,
    in a bird suit – oh, what an uproar!
    The gents at Burlesque
    thought her too Rubenesque,
    and with boos sent her through the trapdoor.

    Randy Mazie @ thewritersvillage.wordpress.com

  24. Fred Bortz says:

    E. A. Poe was heard pacing the floor
    On a dreary late night, “Oh, Lenore!”
    His lost love he was cravin’,
    Yet he found but a raven,
    With rhythm and rhyme words galore.

  25. Jane Auerbach says:

    A mom exercising her floor
    Did Kegels and Kegels galore:
    No leaks, better sex
    (‘least she’d have if her ex
    Didn’t still try to use her back door).

  26. Jane Auerbach says:

    My contractor’s tiling the floor,
    But his helper is still at the store.
    Fast completion’s in doubt
    Since no one’s brought grout
    And for that he insists he’ll charge more.

  27. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Though I’m writhing in pain on the floor,
    Seems her snub was less harsh than before.
    Sure, she slammed the door hard,
    But my ego’s not scarred,
    ‘Cause at least my poor foot’s in the door.

  28. Byron Ives says:

    A guy that once lived down one floor,
    Drove right across a claymore
    Found his grill in Kentucky,
    His dipstick in Truckee,
    And rear end in Lake Elsinore

  29. Byron Ives says:

    Con mi, he was mopping the floor
    I ‘splained, I no call her a whore!
    I say, yo soy Paco,
    Can she share her taco?
    What’s left of her box, I’ll pay for!

  30. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    A” Newtonian Folly” 
    When ” Angello” lay on the floor
    Envisaging scenes to adore
    His help dropped an apple
    That caused a kerfuffle
    Cause he sat up emitting a roar.

  31. Judith H. Block says:

    A fellow would frequently floor
    The woman whom he did adore,
    His lovemaking brought awes.
    Because indeed he was
    Skilled in and out of the boudoir.

  32. Judith H. Block says:

    A fellow demanded the floor
    “The state of the arts, I abhor!
    The arts funding is cut,
    While for wars there’s a glut!
    Poe’s raven doth shout, ‘NEVERMORE!’ “

  33. Judith H. Block says:

    A fellow demanded the floor-
    “Our leaders are nothing but whores!
    We must stop GMOs
    And join the fracking foes
    These horrors we cannot ignore!’

  34. Byron Ives says:

    When she told me, my jaw hit the floor
    “Let us wed, or see me no more!”
    I thought it astute
    Being irresolute
    But this day, I’m simply not sure

  35. A Gal was retiling her floor,
    Youdda thunk that she’d done it before,
    But she made such a mess,
    That she had to confess,
    I bought library paste at the store!

  36. Jon Gearhart says:

    A lady was perched on the floor
    She was waleyed and piked by the door
    Shell get crabby and yell a bit
    Just for the halibut
    All the whale she spends floundering more

  37. CJ@ProArtz says:

    Dora screwed the old salts on the floor.
    Scrubbing up wasn’t much of a chore.
    When they rolled from on top
    She retrieved a wet mop
    To push seamen right out the back door.

  38. CJ@ProArtz says:

    “Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands”
    (novel by Brazilian Jorge Amado, film directed by Bruno Barreto)

    Teodoro wed sultry widow Flor.
    As a lover he was, frankly, a bore,
    So she conjured Husband One
    For some marital fun
    And Vadinho performed an encore.

    Portuguese pronunciation notes:
    (accent is on the next to last syllable in all of these names with more than one syllable)
    Flor = Floor (Dona is a form of Miss or Mrs., pronounced like Donna)
    Jorge Amado = George-ee Ah-mahd-oh (J is NOT pronounced like an H as in Spanish)
    Bruno Barreto = Bruno Bah-hate-oo
    Teodoro = Tay-oh-door-oh
    Vadinho = Vah-dean-you

  39. Jon Gearhart says:

    There was a designer named Flor-
    ence who’s last client was a young Hor-
    tense who’s taste and her bawdi-
    ness leans to the naughti-
    est levels of moral decor.

  40. Byron Ives says:

    She lived on the twenty second floor
    This madam, this sweet, one-eyed, whore
    She had hundreds, why me?
    “You’re my favorite!” said she
    “You’re someone I keep an eye out for.”

  41. Byron Ives says:

    I slam my right foot to the floor
    This smart car won’t do any more
    I barely fit in,
    My knees hit my chin
    And aesthetically, it’s half an eyesore

  42. Jon Gearhart says:

    I awoke today, ICU floor.
    (A flashback to two weeks before)
    At a club in the city,
    I made up this ditty
    How Mike Tyson’s mama’s a whore!

  43. Allen Wilcox says:

    The two of them polished the floor,
    Using sex acts they’d come to adore.
    It doesn’t seem rude
    Tp note they were nude
    And practiced positions galore.

  44. Jon Gearhart says:

    He spent the night pacing the floor
    Awaiting her walk through the door.
    The later it got
    The worse things he thought
    Like, “I think that I’ve married a whore!”

  45. Allen Wilcox says:

    Abe Lincoln was pacing the floor
    With his second inaugural chore.
    Said he, “Mary Todd.
    Is this good or just odd?”
    The response that he got was a snore.

  46. Allen Wilcox says:

    The Speaker demanded the floor,
    Grabbed the mike and then let out a roar.
    “The POTUS is lazy.
    He’s driving me crazy.
    Now back to my nap – let me snore.

  47. Val Fish says:

    Her performance on the stage floor
    Attracted audiences galore
    When sweet Gypsy Rose
    Took off her clothes
    There were cries of Encore! Encore!

  48. Jon Gearhart says:

    Our eyes met as I crossed the floor
    Bringing thoughts I had not had before.
    The breathtaking view
    Of a methmaking Jew
    Made me scream as I ran out the door!

  49. Jon Gearhart says:

    As our clothes began hitting the floor
    After carefully locking the door,
    I surveyed the hole view
    As my love, 8 foot 2,
    Showed me why she’s called Pussy Galore!

  50. Jon Gearhart says:

    As I knelt on the cold tile floor
    Of the bathroom behind a stall door,
    I was hugging the throne,
    Calling Ralph on the phone,
    Revisiting meals heretofore.

  51. Jon Gearhart says:

    I’ve grown weary of pacing the floor
    Recalling my ex-wife, the whore.
    The guy I caught nailin’ her
    Was the one I had tailin’ her–
    He’s no private dick anymore!

  52. Kirk Miller says:

    In a building, there’s always one floor
    That’s avoided and steeped in bad lore.
    It is number thirteen;
    Do you know what I mean?
    It’s the ghost story — one they abhor.

  53. Byron Ives says:

    I was drunk when I hit the dance floor
    I’d prove to these snobs I’m no bore
    But my moves and careening
    Gave ‘break dance’ new meaning
    Now crutches make both my pits sore

  54. Ira Bloom says:

    My house has an ivory floor,
    Since I made my big lottery score.
    I eat caviar,
    From a two liter jar,
    And I only drink Chateau Latour.

  55. Byron Ives says:

    I kissed her right on the dance floor
    I then whisked her out the back door
    I groped nook and cranny
    Found out she’s a tranny
    And now, I admit, I’m cocksure

  56. Tim James says:

    A woman demanded the floor,
    Also windows, walls, roof, and the door.
    Yes, my lousy ex-spouse
    Got the whole freakin’ house.
    With that screwing…well, guess where I’m sore.

  57. Diane Groothuis says:

    A girl who was tiling the floor
    Pointed her ass to the door.
    A fellow went by
    And said winking his eye
    ” I’ll have it pale pink but not raw”

  58. Diane Groothuis says:

    I went to the top storey floor
    Of a pension named “Hotel d’amour”
    In a chambre privee
    I had my chance to say
    “Je t’adore but you’d best shut the door”.

  59. Val Fish says:

    The woman asleep on the floor
    The shoppers could hardy ignore
    Au naturel she lay
    All her wares on display
    She’d slept walked to the all-night store.

  60. Byron Ives says:

    An Eskimo fell through the floor
    Of his igloo, and wasn’t seen more.
    The domed house was doomed,
    Just as spring flowers bloomed,
    The past winter he’d built it offshore

  61. Tim James says:

    The agent got up off the floor;
    He’d been shot in the head, nothing more.
    Scores of bad guys he felled;
    “Go, Jack, get ‘em!” I yelled.
    (I’ve been watching too much “24.”)

  62. Byron Ives says:

    I dumped my grilled steak on the floor
    Snatched up by my big Labrador
    He gagged on some gristle
    And wheezed like a whistle
    So I heimliched that chunk out the door

  63. Byron Ives says:

    I peed through a hole in the floor
    A cheap Euro vacation, for sure
    And I kinda resent it
    An old woman attendant
    Takin’ tips, right behind, by the door

  64. Byron Ives says:

    There once was a guy named Ed Floor
    No really, he lived right next door
    I was young, maybe ten
    But delusional then
    So I lied, his real name was Seymour

  65. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I was showing my moves on the floor.
    This chick cheered so I knew I could score.
    Then we walked to the car
    Where I said, “Here we are.”
    But my mom wouldn’t open the door.

  66. Phyllis L says:

    A fellow demanded the floor
    So he could debate with Al Gore.
    Ideas were forming
    About global warming
    And other disasters in store.

  67. Mark Kane says:

    With stocks there’s a ceiling and floor.
    You buy low and of course hope for more.
    If that bargain turns bust,
    You’ll know who NOT to trust,
    Cuz most brokers are best to ignore.

    Note: My snarky wife added there must have been a “basement” he never told you about.

  68. Byron Ives says:

    I vacuumed the rug, swept the floor
    Worked a whole thirteen minutes, maybe more
    I don’t count the time
    I do it ’cause I’m
    Not a self-absorbed hubby, anymore

  69. Kirk Miller says:

    Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
    For their father, who sits on the floor
    By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
    When his offspring turn in.
    They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.

  70. Val Fish says:

    The body lay dead on the floor,
    ‘Twas a horrific sight, for sure,
    Hysterical wife
    Finds husband with knife,
    He’d murdered his mother in law.

  71. Byron Ives says:

    I wrestled this thug to the floor
    He pulled out a big .44
    We tussled, he shot
    He screamed, I did not
    He didn’t dig his self-induced gore

  72. P Diane Schneider says:

    A fellow demanded the floor
    To boast of his exploits, and more
    The folks were aghast
    At learning his past
    And quickly shoved him out the door

  73. Byron Ives says:

    She flung her new ring ‘cross the floor
    I’d ask her to wed night before
    Then met her little sis
    Had to have some of this…
    We’re done, and they don’t talk no more

  74. Byron Ives says:

    My parakeet’s dead on the floor
    I’d had that damn bird since ’04
    You’d think I’d be sad
    I was just like his dad
    But screw it, that’s what poison’s for

  75. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    When we broke through the vault’s heavy floor,
    I thought, “Finally, a really big score!”
    Then some rubble came down,
    And it crushed my poor crown;
    You’d be right if you guessed I was sore.

  76. Allen Wilcox says:

    He had her pinned down on the floor.
    With hia hands he began to explor,
    But a knee to the nuts,
    And a few upper=cuts -
    She said,”One more makes four. I keep scor.”

  77. Allen Wilcox says:

    Said he, getting up from the floor,
    “I gave what I got, maybe more,
    And now, my Black Widow,
    I’m as good as Nick, kiddo,
    But I’ll have to admit I am Thor.”

  78. Byron Ives says:

    His ex-wife would sit on the floor
    Shave her knuckles, really? What for?
    Strange way to behave
    There was nothing to shave
    He thanked God she lived there no more

  79. Byron Ives says:

    I dreamt I was pinned to the floor
    Gettin’ pounded and bashed by Igor
    I hate Rusky spies
    They’re all such big guys….
    Next dream, I’ll be the bash-or

  80. Byron Ives says:

    I noticed a tilt in my floor
    Putt a golf ball, it heads for the door
    “Get them out of the house!”
    Said my less than thrilled spouse,
    “Cut the grass, you might see it tilts more.”

  81. Allen Wilcox says:

    The Supremes ruled and those on the floor
    Rushed out to tell those who kept score.
    The Court with a whoosh
    Elected George Bush,
    While the people selected Al Gore.

    Busd strode out on a deck, not a floor,
    And mission accomplished the war.
    Then he stoked a recession
    (Perhaps a depression} -
    Should the Court have elected Al Gore?

    Eight House years in his seat , on the floor.
    Then he spent in the Senate eight more.
    Then eight more as Vice
    President was sure nice.
    The verdict – overqualified bore?

    As he stood speaking out to the floor,
    The Prize was for Peace, not for war.
    Add a Grammy, an Emmy
    A Webby, god damn he
    Should paint himself nude to adore.

  82. Allen Wilcox says:

    The golfer encountered a floor,
    And was anxious to lower his score.
    He raised his club back,
    Gave the ball a huge whack,
    Then a scream – he forgot to yell “fore”!

  83. Byron Ives says:

    This gal from the small town of Floor
    Got knocked up by Johnny McMore
    Her impending distortion
    Gave her thoughts of abortion
    But she dug adoration much more
    (Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

  84. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 173.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Rash Limerick.