Limerick Mate (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was peeved at her mate…*
or
A fellow was peeved at his mate…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Mate
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was peeved at her mate
Cuz he’d constantly carp and debate.
He was very suspicious
And frequently vicious,
It’s no wonder that fellow’s now late.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Husband Limerick, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Relationship Humor, Wife Limerick, Writing Prompts
A woman was peeved at her mate
who thought when she said she was late
that all of their lovin’
left one in the oven
instead of her plane at the gate
When Mittens picked his running mate
he hoped he had improved his fate
He sold out his soul
for a bump in a poll
from Tea freaks who thought Ryan great.
A chess pro tried real hard to mate
when he went out on a hot date
When he found his Queen
was really a teen
his lawyer came to mediate
The songbird was peeved at his mate
who wanted them to procreate
Their little old nest
held 3 eggs at best
but she wanted none less than eight.
A fellow was peeved at his mate
who didn’t think he was so great
If she only knew
the things he would do
if she didn’t have to inflate.
A woman was peeved at her mate;
When they planned to go out he was late,
So she rang his friend, Basil!
They went on the razzle.
And he proved a much better date.
A woman was peeved at her mate
Who never did try to consummate
Tried hard as she might
Measures to motivate
His interest but on the softie gay lad
A fellow was peeved at his mate
When she said that he wasn’t so great.
While the harsh truth annoyed,
It was the method employed:
He found out in a Facebook update.
A woman was peeved at her mate
Who thought foreplay would negate
The masculine control
Of the ultimate goal,
And went at it like a bull at a gate.
a man was peeved at his mate
for busting in during his date
calling it rude
because they were nude
any hope of recovery too late.
A woman was peeved at her mate
‘Cause in bed he acted sedate
But to her great surprise
He did finally arise
Said she: “Now you’ve got it all straight.”
A woman was peeved with her mate
For being too late for a date
So she went to a bar
Where she found him gone far
Too far in their tryst to participate.
.
A fellow was peeved with his mate
For warning him of his cruel fate
If trysts he’d disturb
He be out on the curb
With belongings packed full in a crate.
A woman was peeved at her mate,
Neither would he love, nor could she hate,
She tried the unique pills,
Which, she believed, heals,
And lo! He soon asked her out on a date.
A woman was peeved at her mate,
So she packed all his stuff in a crate
In the dark before dawn,
Set it out on the lawn,
And abandoned it all to its fate.
A woman was peeved at her mate,
for claiming to miscalculate.
But you know what they say,
turnabout is fair play.
Now he’s sore up to his prostate.
A woman was peeved at her mate.
He clearly had settled his fate.
Why wasn’t he here?
Was he lacking in fear?
He showed up for marriage vows late!
A woman was peeved at her mate
who said that he must masticate
He pulled out his willie
and then stroked it silly
So she yelled, “Why, you meant masturbate!”
A fellow was peeved at his mate
For all of the junk food she ate
Hence, her girth had so spread
That whene’er she wore red
The neighbor kids yelled “Hey, Kool-Aid!”
A farm wife was peeved at her mate
And his personal hygiene of late
The stench so extended
The pigs were offended
And threatened to move out of state
Mitt Romney was peeved at his mate,
For being an impotentate.
The son-of-a-bitch,
Would screw all but the rich,
Which was difficult to obfuscate.
Poor Pavlov was peeved at his mate,
As she had an unfortunate trait:
His incessant nagging,
For profligate shagging,
Did not cause her to salivate.
A man was peeved with his mate
So he asked why she did masturbate
She said in reply
I won’t tell a lie
Having sex with you ain’t that great.
A woman’s been peeved at her mate
Since their date back in seventy eight
When a finger of rum
Shot his plan not to come;
Now she rues the words “I’ll take it straight.”
A woman was peeved at her mate
Who’d been having a long tete a tete
With the bimbo next door;
She said, ‘Come home before
You end up exceedingly ‘late’!
Sorry, repunctuated:
A woman was peeved at her mate
Who’d been having a long tete a tete
With the bimbo next door;
She said, ‘Come home, before
You end up exceedingly “late”!’
A fellow was peeved at his mate
but it never turned into pure hate
For she did her best
to fulfill his request
But he found she just couldn’t gyrate.
She was like a dead fish in their bed
And it really got into his head
So he bought a vibrator
and thought “Sooner or later
she’ll get going or else she’ll be dead.”
So they started to have better sex
It was like he had put on a hex
She would gyrate like mad
and it made him real glad
That these new muscles she could now flex.
A woman was peeved at her mate
for not trying to los any weight.
With no exercise
he just increased in size
and ate all that he found on his plate.
A man was peeved at his mate
For failing to shut the gate
Out went the goat
Without even a note
Together was not their fate
A woman was peeved at her mate,
for backing the rich candidate,
who thinks that her choice,
her body and voice,
should be controlled by the State.
A woman was peeved with her mate
For not learning how to ice skate
Because on the rink
He really did stink
And sliced her fingers off while on a date
A woman was peeved at her mate
Who always kept blogging too late:
‘When you do come to bed
I am, to the world, dead,
And I don’t want to be celibate!’
*sigh* Now I left off the closing quotation mark. *kicking self*
NOTE FROM MAD KANE: I fixed it for you.
A woman was peeved at her mate
For constantly putting on weight.
But the bigger the cushion,
The better the pushin’
He said as he cleaned off his plate.
A woman who peeved at her mate
Who was trying to get out the gate
Said “Come back here you brute
I’ve a gun and I’ll shoot
And you’d better not make it too late.”
A woman was peeved at her mate
Because of the way that he ate
With his head on the chair
and his feet in the air
He would kick the food down off his plate
A woman was peeved at her mate.
She urgently asked him to wait.
He gasped, “Take your time. Ac-
cept you will climax
long before I… I… Too late.”
A husky was peeved at a mate.
He growled, “She’s not pulling her weight.
I was shocked at the sight
As she crept out last night
And went with a Wolf on a date!
A woman was peeved at her mate:
His performance, she found, wasn’t great.
He shot too much ammo
In self-induced wammo,
And had nothing left for their date.
JzB
A fellow was peeved with his mate
She was never on time–ALWAYS late!
It annoyed him no end
When the judge, once a friend,
For her lateness rescheduled their court date.
A woman was peeved at her mate
For putting their dog in a crate.
It might not have been bad,
‘Cept for the fun the press had–
There was dog on car roof, quite irate!
A fellow was peeved at his mate.
Obsessed! Ev’ry coupon and rebate!
All mail was savaged,
Newspapers were ravaged
All for the pennies that they’d generate.
–CORRECTION–
A fellow was peeved with his mate
She was never on time–ALWAYS late!
It annoyed him no end
When the judge, once a friend,
For her lateness postponed their court date.
A woman was peeved at her mate
Sufficient friction did it create
Whenever they met
So hot it would get
Both stripped and indulged in things intricate
A man who was peeved at his mate
For she would sometimes hibernate
And so sweetly say
In bear’s den I stay
When spring comes, thaw me and intimate!
A woman was peeved at her mate;
Her urges he just couldn’t sate.
He gave her his all
Seven times, then he stalled.
Poor girl. What a lousy first date.
A woman was peeved at her mate
for coming home much too late
As the hours elapsed
her patience collapsed
but a shiny gift quickly changed her state
:) Thanks for the visit!
A woman was peeved at her mate
for not taking her on a date.
Her love was the sky.
She wanted to fly,
but he said, “Ms. Balloon, you’re my fate.”
(As always, visit the post on my blog to link to the news that inspired the rhyme.)
A woman was peeved at her mate
cause they had such an endless debate
senseless discussion
about talking russian
on every first date
Why a woman was peeved at her mate:
“When my Mom came by plane, he’s irate.
Yes, I know she’s a critic
And is sometimes acidic
but need he ship her homeward by freight?”
–CORRECTION to coupon obssession, way above–
A fellow was peeved at his mate.
Obsessed! Ev’ry coupon ‘n’ rebate!
All mail? It was savaged.
Newspapers were ravaged
For mere pennies that they’d generate.
A fellow was peeved with his mate
Not for how she looked or how she ate
Nor was she a prude . . .
Had a fine attitude
Sadly, he loved her sister, Kate.
A woman was peeved at her mate
‘Cuz he never did reciprocate
He loved her to do him
But he touch her quim?
Perhaps a shrink could mediate.
Fun collection of limericks.
A gander was peeved at her mate
He got his foot caught in a grate
While he struggled for freedom
She sat and berated him
For dinner, we’re going to be late!
a woman was peeved at her mate
for bringing his mum on a date
if i wanted a threesome
would have asked liam neeson
not your mother or
your grandmother of late
A woman was peeved at her mate,
a Saudi oil-rich potentate:
“We had a big fight
‘cos he’s drilling tonight,
but by that he means wife number eight!”
A bloke was roight peeved at ‘is mite,
for leavin’ ther flat in a stite:
“ ‘e mucks up the ‘ob
an’ keeps feedin’ ‘is gob,
an’ he don’ even clean off ‘is plite!”
A woman was peeved at her mate,
for complaining that dinner was late,
so she got her thesaurus,
and told her spouse Horace,
“Shut up, dear, and go masticate!”
A woman was peeved at her mate
For failing to meet for their date
She smacked his head hard
With a shovel in the yard
Now a hole to dig is her fate
A fellow was peeved with his mate
Because verbs she could not conjugate.
Whenever she tried,
She fibbed and she lied.
He said, “Conjugate ‘to prevaricate!’ “
The big dog was peeved at his mate
She kept slipping out by the back gate.
Her more debonaire friend
(Who’d win her in the end)
Was quite the “hound dog” rebrobate!
Is our Madeleine peeved at her mate,
Or his father, who’s recently late?
No: she says that her crew’d
Better not be subdued.
“Keep the limericks coming, they’re great!”
With all sympathy, I’ve paraphrased your FB message above.
A woman was peeved at her mate
For constantly trying to gyrate
His very strange pose
Got right up her nose
So she told him to go off and skate.
A woman was peeved at her mate
So she dashed out of the gate
The mate didn’t mind
His wife he couldn’t find
Why, he actually went out to celebrate!
A fellow was peeved at his mate.
Excess of her nagging would grate
And all of that nagging
Would start him to sagging
And more than his ego deflate.
Ann Romney was peeved at her mate
For throwing her out there like bait,
‘Cause if “love” is your hook,
Better make sure the schnook
Speaking next doesn’t plan to pitch hate.
A woman was peeved that her mate
Spent their cash at a scandalous rate.
“It isn’t the cars
Or the Cuban cigars;
It’s the tips for the strippers I hate!”
A woman was peeved at her mate
For constantly showing up late:
“My dear, I’ll impugn
That coming too soon
One’s lateness elsewhere may negate.”
A woman was peeved that her mate
Put the dog on the car in a crate.
“My dear Mr. Romney,
When you are the nom’nee
It’s grist for the opposite slate.”
A woman got peeved at her mate
when he said she was overweight.
So she hatched a plan
to get back at her man,
then he met with a terrible fate.
A writer got peeved at his mate.
He was more than a little irate.
She described how he lives
with three adjectives
and two verbs he could not conjugate.
A fellow had wanted to mate
With a gal on a cruise-shipping date,
But he fled from her room
Like a bat from a tomb,
Saying, “Woman, your baggage is freight!”
A scientist wanted to mate
With a woman he took on a date
Just to learn if the groove
In her forehead would prove
A recessive or dominant trait.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 77.
But you can still have lots of Limerick-Off fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Preening Limerick.