Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRANK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 18, 2019)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRANK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INTIMIDATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INTIMIDATION-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on May 19, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 18, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CRANK-rhyme limerick:
James Patterson snarfs up the space
On shelves at a breath-taking pace.
The fellow can crank
Out best-sellers. His bank
Account brands him a book-making ace.
And here is my INTIMIDATION limerick:
If your bite is much worse than your bark,
The fear you instill can be stark.
So be careful in wielding
Your power; unyielding
Displays ain’t a walk in the park.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Best Sellers, Book Humor, Book Limericks, Competition Limerick, Fear, Intimidation, James Patterson, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
Folks, General Barr is no crank!
Trump’s shipping gold bars to his bank:
plums Putin provided
so we’ll stay divided,
so it’s really the Bear Barr should thank!
Trump will intimidate
even his wife and best mate.
Who cares about sinning?
It’s all about winning!
(But please don’t investigate.)
Intimidation
It’s essential that bullies should know
Their behavior is much worse than low
If they keep up that teasing
It won’t be so pleasing
When at last, they will reap what they sow
In high school, I knew a mean bloke
Who purposely tried to provoke
So much trembling and tears
Aimed at all of his peers
That it went way beyond a cute joke
(Intimidation)
The Donald, a clown and a crank,
Played Russian Roulette as a prank.
But no harm was done
When he fired the gun –
Both his brain and the bullet were blank.
She heard from her friends that I drank
And said, “Let’s go to “Hotel La Swank”
But she taunted and teased
And I wasn’t real pleased
Cause this girl was just yankin’ my crank
Designed by the engineer Frank
A machine made to help with a wank
It failed (just between us)
And whipped off his penis
Due to over speed of the crank
Although Barr is a creep and a crank,
He’s no worse than the rest, to be frank.
In the Senate committee,
His answers were shitty,
But Reps never noticed he stank.
“My sex life is over!” moaned Hank.
“I guess I forgot how to wank.”
Said his old buddy, Buck,
“Well, it’s just like my truck –
To start it up, give it a crank.”
Said Vladimir, “Do as I say,
Or those hooker tapes see light of day.
You have one little task,
And is not much to ask –
To destroy the entire USA.”
As you walked in, I have to be frank
I had you down as a crank
You’re wearing my knickers
And want to take pictures
But only paid for a wank
The lady who works at my bank
Complains ’bout her husband named Frank!
All I want is some cash
This bitch gives me a rash
I’m damn sick of her kvetch and her crank!
Dear Limericks,
I’m here to thank
You for making me feel Oh So Swank!
I try to write one
But I’ve written a ton
Out I crank. Then go on. And crank crank.
(Sincerely, Lisi)
A slightly modified version of “Limerick Letter” (L4)
Dear Limericks,
I’m here to thank
You for making me feel Oh So Swank!
I try to write one
But son of a gun
Out I crank. Then go on. And crank crank.
(Sincerely, Lisi)
Watching the news, he shuddered and shrank.
A guy’s not a machine you can crank,
Now is no time to scoff,
Take your lingerie off,
Then take him in your hand, gently yank.
Not quite the religious conversion
A threat by the Mob and coercion
Victims all disappear
In a baptism of fear
Followed by total immersion
“Susie: age 8” (Intimidation)
Oh Boy! I am really a mess!
What happened you’ll just never guess
This boy in third grade
Got me super afraid
When he threw up all over my dress!
Intimidation
Mom set it up; I didn’t choos ‘er!
And surely I did not abuse ‘er!
So why did she cry
When I told her that I
Think that’s she’s “one ugly loser?”
My husband’s a real grumpy crank!
I remember those days when he drank:
He’d say, “Suck it, my dear”
(I’d reply very clear)
“Where is it? I think that it shrank”
He’s frenzied! His mind is a blank!
He is cackling and smells really rank!
Hurry up; grab his pills
I’m gettin’ the chills
And for goodness sake, dump all that crank!
I think I’m in love with Sweet Frank
I just know that this guy ain’t no crank
He is so very gentle
And quite sentimental
And gives me one slammin’ hot spank
“Heavens, How Intimidating!”
Stole my dresses and what do ‘ya know!
She hemmed them and off she did go!
Now they’re too short for me
And I’m hoping that she
Will reap what she slyly did sew
My chum Trixie and I liked to yank
The chain of Miss Prissy, the crank
School lunch lady (viewed,
By most all, as a prude)
So we’d flash her our tits as a prank.
A PROPER! Thank You Note!
Dear Lim’riks,
I gratefully thank
You for making me feel Oh So Swank!
I try to write one
But son of a gun
Out I crank. Then go on. And crank crank!
(Sincerely, Lisi Lim’rik Lover)
There once was a robot named Frank
Who had to be wound with a crank
And once he was wound
He’d just circle round
Giving his crank shaft a wank.
The old Model T needs a crank
To start it out of the rank.
It’s been sitting outside
For many a tide,
So the inside is smelly and dank.
Not only are you a crank
You’re also a bit of a wank.
I’m gonna warn
Stay clear of our dorm
Or prison, yourself, you can thank.
I was a soccer buff
And really knew my stuff.
Often on the flank
I’d play a “Crank”
Which was a double bluff.
He looked at me kinda blank,
As if I was some sort of crank.
“What’s that you say
You’re not pro-NRA?”
When I’d said being a gun-owner stank.
This protest is a bit quiet,
We could turn it into a riot.
But accountants are dull
And not too easy to lull,
So I don’t think that they would try it.
We initially thought he’s a crank
But he only wanted a spank.
The dominatrix obliged
As he wriggled and writhed,
And he said, “That’s the best. I must Thank.”
I gave an almighty yank
But the engine just wouldn’t crank.
Then we said so,
Well give it a tow,
And the fender fell clankity-clank.
Slight variation of the above…
I gave an almighty yank
But the engine just wouldn’t crank.
So, going for broke,
We attached a tow rope,
And the fender fell off with a clank.
I’m an addict, and once I drank,
But I lost my job at the bank.
Now here on the street,
Avoiding the Heat,
A “friend” supplies me with Crank.
A handle for starting those tanks,
Eccentric or grouchy (no thanks!),
A verbal conceit
And my range is complete,
Take your pick of my multiple cranks.
Multitalented polyglot Sue’s
Got a math Ph.D. Her IQ’s
Genius-level, sky-high.
But that threatened her guy,
So he now dates a gal at Fox News.
J uanita felt very deep fear
(U seless taunting just made it so clear)
M any classmates would teas’er
P eople sure couldn’t eas’er
Y outhful traumas can be quite severe
(acrostic)
P enelope always loved Frank
R eally thinking that he was so swank
A ccidentally, she
N oticed that he
K issed all of her friends. What a crank!
(acrostic)
“Frank Is Cheating” (modified to make more sense: L1)
P enelope’s dating “Sweet Frank”
R eally thinking that he’s “Oh So Swank”
A ccidentally, she
N oticed that he
K issed all of her friends. What a crank!
(acrostic)
I think that most guys are insane!
How ’bout this one; can someone explain?
“I love you Marie
You intimidate me”
Why IS that? (Cause I have a BRAIN?)
“Father Knows Best”
My “Baby Girl” can’t have a MATE!
I’ve a scheme that just works out real great:
When a boy comes to call
I make him feel small
I call it “In Tim I (Da) Date”
Ismail-Jazarī (1136–1206(
We have the Arabs to thank
For the man who first sketched the crank
It helped save his from daughter
From carrying water
She pumped it from wells that they sank
Crystal meth to a Yank may be crank
Poor skunk to a Brit might be skank
Just better stay cleaner
‘Cos this misdemeanour
Could land you all in the tank
Hospitality it’s best not abuse
Lest there’s cement in your shoes
From Don Corleone
For just one night only
An offer you cannot refuse
He ridiculed me for no reasin’
I must tell you it sure wasn’t pleasin’
It made me so tearful
(I’d just had an earful)
And last, told him “Stop all that teasin”
I drank seven whole glasses of wine
Cuz today I’m sure not feelin’ fine
In my mud pack and cap
My sweet “hub” took a snap
And posted it quickly on line
She was short, came from Maine, and she drank,
But by golly, in bed she could crank.
Her man’s love life was flat,
But she cured him of that.
All he needed was one little Yank.
Donald T. went on Twitter to crank
That his businesses didn’t all tank.
“For plebeians a loss
May be bad but a boss
Like me laughs all the way to the bank.”
Someone’s Drawn a Bl[redacted] ~
A bad prank has been played on this crank.
From my limericks, they redacted “ank,”
Now I sit on the can,
Broken hearted old man,
Writing limericks on walls while I y[redacted].
Chin Up, Eyes Front! ~
You can’t intimidate me
Though you stare while I water this tree,
Because I must make haste
In displacing the waste
Of traditional afternoon tea.
Intimidation?
Tenuous was her grip
As she put his shank to her lip
“Oh come on”, he said
“Crank it up. Give me head.”
So she took a sharp bite of his tip.
Lies, damn lies and politics,
Trump seems to know all the tricks.
His lie machine crank
Has a glowing hot shank…
There’s nothing that he can’t fix!
Self Intimidation?
Some don’t do because that is right
But don’t do because of Law’s might.
They’re troubled and fraught
Of the chance they’ll be caught,
When they could have just stayed lily-white.
It may be a bomb, but don’t mock it,
This baby goes like a rocket.
We’ve adjusted the crank,
Put avgas in the tank
And re-geared the back sprocket.
“Hard Times”
Oh Honey, please don’t be a crank!
We’re bailed out and cannot rob the bank!
No more Sirloin or Strip
So just please get a grip
Cuz from now on, I’m cooking you Flank.
Mad: L5 of above limerick : From now on, I’m cooking you Flank
Could you please add the word “Cuz”
So it will read: Cuz from now on, I’m cooking you Flank
Thank You,
Lisi
********
Done.
“Academic Intimidation”
I’m frightened of math (wanna die)
I try hard yet it still makes me cry!
My Prof said “Calm down
And get rid of that frown
Cuz it’s really as easy as Pi “
a modified previous acrostic limerick: “Intimidation” (better)
J uanita felt very deep fear
U seless taunting sure made it so clear
M ost classmates would teas’er
P eople couldn’t appeas’er
Y outhful traumas can be quite severe
I knew a gal, Oh! what a char’ma
Who thought that nobody could harm’a
She charged real high fees
Just to taunt and to tease
Till one day her client was Karma
(Intimidation)
A Frenchman, Monsieur Leblanc
Was out on a ship when it sank
On an island deserted
He became quite quite perverted
With hole in a plank, what a crank!
I’m sorry to cause alarm and distress
But I need you to talk, nonetheless
That severed head in your bed
May fill you with dread
The Godfather only asks you, confess!
Melania, do as I say,
Or for you there’ll be no pay day.
I’ll simply get rid
Like the others I did,
And send you skint on your way.
“Work Place Intimidation”
The copier moans and it groans
It scares me right down to the bones
So now I’ll pursue
A tactic that’s new:
I’ll sing to it, using low tones
“Computer Intimidation”
At my laptop, I’ll no longer gawk
And I’ve got a good reason to squawk:
When I go on a site
I am filled with such fright
Cuz it keeps saying, “We need to talk”
There’s Tank, Bank, Rank and Dank
And Prank and Stank and Skank
They’re creepy and crude
Unpleasant and rude
Those words that rhyme with Crank.
Kick Your Own Butt! ~
Intimidation’s an elf
Who belongs out of reach, on a shelf.
For quick inspiration
And strong motivation
Try outtimidating yourself.
The neighbors all knew the old crank
He’d pull out his member and wank
Continued to play
Whilst wishing “Good day!”
And even worse was that he stank!
When he showed up her heart sank
His hair was so greasy and lank
The handshake was moist
As he sought to foist
A kiss on the cheek-also dank
Pepin the Short was a Frank
He was left in the wash by a crank
This ruler was tall
Now he’s quite small
The lank king who shrank in a prank
Do you get calls on the phone that are crank
Inviting the listener to spank
Some parts of his torso
(He may mention more) so
You just know that he’s having a wank
It’s dark in this cell and it’s dank
I have my lawyer to thank
For this crap location
Not free on probation
‘Cos he went to a law school that’s crank
You’re not going to end this affair
For bad things, you’d better prepare
Don’t think that it’s funny
I’ll be boiling your bunny
Wherever you hide, I’ll be there
The gun totin’ brutes of this nation
So ruthlessly feel inspiration
To taunt and abuse
Cuz all of them use
An “M.O’ called intimidation.
“Doctors! Get Me Out Of Here!
I regret that I have to admit
Most doctors are all full of shit
They say what’s not true
When they all inform you:
“Don’t worry; this won’t hurt a bit”
“Pet Intimidation”
I have a real bad situation
Which causes me much degradation
My dog runs away
Cuz with me he won’t play
He’s scary. I need a vacation.
“Salesman Intimidation”
He came here to sell an alarm
He said, “It will keep you from harm
Cuz you might just get killed
Gee! you won’t be so thrilled
And will keep you from buy’in the farm”
Release the report or we’ll teach you,
Even then we may impeach you.
If we cannot get through
To the ethical you,
We’ll use a sledgehammer to reach you.
“Doctor Drill”
You get poked with a big iron pick
This guy is so scary and slick
Then a needle goes in
He still has that grin
And the rest of the day, you’re real sick
I’ve tried hard to change the locality
In hopes that I’ll feel some normality
What intimidates me
(Now it’s clear as can be)
Is ev’ry small part of reality
another way of expressing it:
I think that I’ve reached my finality:
I never shall feel a normality
What intimidates me
(Now it’s clear as can be)
Is ev’ry small part of reality
“Spousal Intimidation”
The times that I feel under stress
For which words cannot duly express:
Are when “wifey” comes near
And I’m riddled with fear
On those days that she has PMS
“Gastroenterology Intimidation” (guess the procedure)
It gives you a whole lot of gas
And it’s something you’d sure like to pass
You feel like a boob
Cuz your “doc” takes this tube
Which goes 500 feet up your ass
A young man and his friends got crank
When money sat on a bank
Their eyeballs popped out
Drool fell from their mouths
Got caught now they’re the missing link
A man’s face caused intimidation
Bad ass boxing champ of the nation
He threw a hard punch
Then sat and had lunch
He was more than just a creation
The Fourth of July will be
A celebration all about me.
I’ll change the locale
Away from the Mall…
You’re gone if you don’t agree.
Kane said the last word must be “crank.”
So I tried, but I just drew a blank.
You rivals, I’ve heard,
have solved the last word.
No doubt, you will earn higher rank.
A coup is about to transpire
with Trump wanting to be called sire,
and guarding each flank
are his base taking crank
just as they were three years prior.
There once was a terrible crank.
The crew finally yelled, “Walk the plank!”
He died still complaining
Because it was raining
While into the water he sank.
“Intimidating Expression”
I’ve got a mean look on my face
Most folks think it’s just disgrace
Yet it keeps them afar
They should stay where they are
Cuz, really, I DO need my space!
I’m sorry I’ve not managed to crank
Out a lim’rick for Mad, I’ll be frank
From my toe to my crown
I’ve been up, I’ve been down
And mostly been drawing a blank.
“Intimidation vs. Imitation”
Imitation can charm and be nice
When it’s mean, it will feel more like vice
But intimidation
Can cause desperation
And make you feel colder than ice
Mad: Can you please change Can cause desperation (L4) of above limerick
to Can cause degradation (That is what I meant to say)
Thank You
Lisi
******
But then you’d be “rhyming” dation and dation.
Another Try! (Thank You)
“Intimidation vs. Imitation”
Imitation can charm and be nice
Though when mean, it will feel more like vice
But INtimidation
Might cause isolation
And make you feel colder than ice
Intimidation’s the art
Of setting oneself quite apart
By being a brute
Instead of astute,
Talented, skillful or smart.
A man who was known as a crank
Gave a woman a pat on the flank.
What she said was so foul
In her subsequent howl,
To convey it, I’d have to say [blank].
How He Keeps It Up at Night ~
For Trump, power goes to his head.
As a narcissist, he needs to spread
Intimidation
All over our nation:
He tweets off alone in his bed.
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
A two-verse twofer:
The lenders who ran Deutsche Bank
Decided to finance a crank,
A son of a bitch
Who claimed he was rich
Though his bankruptcy record just stank.
Perhaps they were cowed by his power
And funded his ego-fueled tower.
Though they used other words,
The deal soon turned to turds,
And the stench sent them all to the shower.
another take on 2 previous limericks
I QUIT !! I have reached the finality!
I’m lost in my quest for normality!
What intimidates me
(I’ts now so clear to see)
Is ev-er-y part of reality
Intimidation’s a useful technique
When the target’s the poor or the meek;
But give it a shot
To someone who’s not,
And your bluster goes right up the creek.
The President threatens to stay
For an extra two years. In dismay,
Voters scream “No! Oh, no!
To persuade him to go,
How much would he want us to pay?”
“Iran”, Bolton screams, “Is a nation
Impervious to intimidation.
What we need is a war,
’Cause I’m hankering for
A huge nuclear-bomb conflagration.”
“The difference between intimate and intimidate”
When “intimate,” people are close
But “intimidate’s” daunting and gross
Thus, combining the two
You might meet someone who
Says, “I’m hot for you Babe. Adios”
The Donald has found the solution
To end Democrats’ persecution.
“Intimidate me?
Just try it – you’ll see
That you’re banned in my New Constitution!”
Mad:1 limerick above: “The difference between intimate and intimidate”
is missing a very important comma! Line 1 should read When intimate, people are close. Please add that comma for me if you have time
Thank You
Lisi
****
Done.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 322. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Dump.