UPDATE: Deadline and New Limerick-Off Postponed by TWO Weeks Due To Broken Laptop. New Deadline is APRIL 14!!! Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BARK or EMBARK at the end of any one line
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BARK or EMBARK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SPRING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SPRING-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on April 15, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 14, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my limerick:
“Why were canines allowed on that ark?”
Whined a woman whose dog-fear was stark.
Then she jumped up and bawled,
When a pooch-owner drawled:
“Sawyer’s bite is far worse than his bark.”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal and Pet Humor, Canine Humor, Canine Poems, Competition Limerick, Dog Humor, Dog Limerick, Dog Owners, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
My ex-wife went out on a lark
And brought home a stray with no bark
His strange little “cough”
Well, it sure put me off
“Sounds like a Joan Rivers remark!”
Quickrick: a limerick boiled down to syllables: 2, 2, 1, 1, 2. It can be a fun challenge.
Lost and Found ~
Bark Park
at dark.
Found
hound
by bark.
Nighty-Night—Sheep Fight ~
A man who ate lamb shanks in autumn
Said they were fresh when he bought ’em
Last spring, but they’d turned
So at bedtime he yearned
To count sheep, but in nightmares they fought ’im.
Timing in Rhyming ~
A limerick with bad rhythmic verse’ll
Require some extra rehearsal,
Else fans might embark
On a walk in the dark
In desperate need of dispersal.
When Noah was set to embark
on the vessel he called an “ark”
he was heard to exclaim
a blasphemous name:
two termites had chewed through the bark!
I had a spring in my step till March sprung
an unpleasant surprise: I was stung
by an early mosquito!
Global warming ain’t neat-o
and deniers should quickly be hung!
The Reason for the Season ~
Many climates have four distinct seasons:
Winter, Summer, and Fall have their reasons,
But they really don’t sing
If they ain’t got a Spring
When the birds and the bees do their teasin’s.
March of Climes ~
Sometimes it seems Spring is a scam;
Gentle buds appear—suddenly WHAM!
March roars in like a lion,
And there’s no denyin’
Sometimes it devours the lamb.
I feel I must briskly embark
On a pan of T rump. It’s no lark!
He’s a joke of a chief
Both inept and a thief
A wretched and sad oligarch.
We’re so HAP py that SPRING’s here to STAY
The TREES have a GEN tle warm SWAY
We LOVE this sweet SEA son
And HERE is the REA son:
In Chic A go it LASTS for one DAY
“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)
I’m on a health kick, just for a lark.
The food changes are really quite stark.
An antioxidant boom!
So now all I consume
Is red wine and rich dark chocolate bark.
We were STROLL ing in “COUN try side” PARK
When he MADE a ro MAN tic re MARK:
“You’re my CUD dly sweet PUG”
Then he GAVE me a HUG
I was DAZED and then START ed to BARK
NEXT ONE
We were STROLL ing in “COUNT try side” PARK
When he MADE a ro MAN tic re MARK:
“You’re my CUD dly sweet PUG”
Then he GAVE me a HUG
I was DAZED and pro CEE ded to BARK
Spring’s a time for renewal and love,
Fresh hopes run eternal, sort of.
Between pollution and frost,
Will most flowers be lost?
The death call of the sad mourning dove?
Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!
They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”
Chizhevsky
His colleagues were deadly and stark
His sunspots became very dark
Siberia stay
Eight years and a day
Now detractors choke on their bark.
He discovered the circadian cycles.
the effects of sun spots on every aspect of life on earth.
Like Galileo he spent 8 years in a Siberian gulag.
Today He’s compared to newton.
Spring 2018
Peeping sprouts get an eye full of snow
They pray hard to God it will go
an old man in tweeds
Just throws at them weeds
Yes, it’s me , the horror from Leeds.
In my favorite botanical park
Is this sign someone wrote on a lark:
This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.
It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are ready to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a beverage (of course, alcoholic).
Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He would meet a young lady
Who would do her best work after dark.
Question for friends across The Pond: Is my British English correct here?
In a London Memorial park
Lie the bones of a book-writer’s clerk.
Sir Arthur would praise
Him for all of his days.
He remarked that that hound didn’t bark.
People CLAIM they’re al LER gic to DEW
And SAY they wish SPRING was just THROUGH
The WAY that they FEEL
Is com PLETE ly un REAL
I am SO sick and TI red of HEAR ing a CHOO !
MAD:
I seems I have spelled a CHOO incorrectly
It is supposed to have an “H” in it (AH CHOO)
Could you please change the spelling for me?
Thank You
MAD: NEVER MIND; I HAVE TOO MANY SYLLABLES IN IT:
REVISION:
People CLAIM They’re al LER gic to DEW
And SAY they wish SPRING was just THROUGH
The WAY that they FEEL
Is com PLETE ly un REAL
I’m SICK of lis TEN ing to ah CHOO !
Basketball-hater’s lament (not I)
Sweet sixteen, elite eight, final four.
In the spring it is hard to ignore
The unending chatter.
Does nothing else matter?
The score on the floor is a bore.
Edited L2. “ready” —> “eager”
It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a beverage (of course, alcoholic).
A young author making his mark
Was dining on biscuits and kwark
When he lacked inspiration
He blamed constipation
And its bite was much worse that its bark.
I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!
From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.
“Me? The winter of life? No such thing!
Look at me, in my high heels and bling!”
But a fall on my head
Meant all summer in bed,
And I feel like I’ve busted a spring.
My allergy doctor agrees that
In spring, it’s the pollen of trees that
Cause some allergy woes.
And so everyone nose
Hay fever is nothing to sneeze at.
“We still need”, Noah said, “An aardvark,
But no dinosaurs, please, on the Ark.
They’re friendly enough,
But when they get rough,
Their bite could demolish our barque.”
There once was a dog at the park
whose bite was much worse than it’s bark
and each silent morning
without any warning
would nip at our legs like a shark.
Each nightly news we embark
to circle Trump’s fall like a shark
and keep getting fooled.
That blood in the pool
is ours! He keeps making his mark!
It’s so NOI sy at SOUTH brook dog PARK
But I FEEL I must MAKE this re MARK
My wife SUE likes to CROON
Her FAV or ite TUNE
When she SINGS all the DOGS start to BARK
SPRING FEVER
I HAVE to con FESS just one THING
And it’s NOT that I WANT a gold RING
But my HOR mones are SOAR ing
I am TOT a lly ROAR ing
And THAT’S how I KNOW it’s the SPRING
We en COUR aged our PUP py to BARK
Then make BAB ies to TAKE to the PARK
But with HIS funky BREATH
We could NUDGE him to DEATH
But there WON’T be that DOG gy type SPARK
Mad
Could you please change DOG gie in line ONE to PUP py in
previous limerick
Thank You
***
Done.
They voted for him as a lark;
The ultimate shot in the dark.
But helping him grow
Presidential is slow;
Like teaching a donkey to bark.
SENIOR CLASS TRIP
This SUN day we’ll MEET to em BARK
On a TRIP to our BEAU ti ful PARK.
We shall LOOK at a ROCK
Don’t GO into SHOCK
And THEN we’ll be HOME before DARK
“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.
When winter dissolves into spring,
Fragrant blossoms will bloom and we sing
Of such earthly delights
As mosquitos and bites,
Mold and pollen, and bees that will sting.
Trump complained, “It’s too little, my zing”,
So his doctors inserted a spring.
When he presses the switch
And says “Take it all, bitch!”
It’s almost just like the real thing.
In springtime, the birds and the bees
Flit about in the bushes and trees.
As these children of Eden
Are busily breedin’,
We sniffle and itch and we sneeze.
He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …
“I’m happier than I can say”,
Said Vladimir. “Spring’s on the way,
The UK’s a mess,
And I own the US …
Now, who shall I poison today?”
She went strolling alone in the park,
Stayed too long, and got lost in the dark.
Now she’s trapped underneath
Trees with branches like teeth,
And with little red eyes in their bark.
Will the Donald be able to spring
All the scum in his treacherous ring
Before they can squeal,
Or will each “do a deal”
And bring him down too as they sing?
CORRECTION OF TITLE: SENIOR CITIZEN’S CLASS TRIP
This SUN day we’ll MEET to em BARK
On a TRIP to a BEAU tiful PARK
We shall LOOK at a ROCK
Don’t GO into SHOCK
And THEN we’ll be HOME before DARK
My DAR ling and SWEET husband, CLARK
Made a VE ry ex CIT ing re MARK
Let’s GO to see “PAWS”
I WANT to be CAUSE
Just im A gine a SHARK who can BARK
I di VORCED hubby “ONE” who was CLARK
I re MAR ried a NICE guy named MARK
Clark was VE ry un KIND
When he MADE up his MIND
But MARK can roll O ver and BARK
FIC kle ! the ESS ence of SPRING !
A GUY will just GIVE you a RING
Then he’ll TAKE it right BACK
And GIVE you the SACK
He’ll SAY, “It was MERE ly a FLING”
Vernality, or Hail the Season ~
If we could go back in time,
The nights would get longer, and I’m
Afraid I’d get SAD
And that makes me mad.
Spring Equinox starts off sublime.
Ann’s husband keeps missing the mark;
“You messed up again!” is her bark.
Ineptness she mocks
And then proffers her box;
A product of Kimberly-Clark.
A link in my newsfeed from The Onion inspired this effort which qualifies for both the Spring and Bark categories:
This spring, my intrepid Jack Russell
Observed in a bush quite a bustle
And started to bark.
Here’s the causal hashmark:
#CondomWrappersSuggestALoveTussle
Onion story
Madeline, would you mind replacing the first line of my previous limerick with this:
This spring, my intrepid Jack Russell
Thanks!
Randy
****
Done
Now Winter is turning to Spring;
With birdies beginning to sing.
The moment is near
When it’s perfectly clear
That Stormy was doing his thing.
MAMA KNOWS BEST
You can STAY in your ROOM for all HOU rs
Go OUT ! and en JOY the spring FLOW ers
And IF you have SPOT ted
SOME that are ROT ted
Turn LEFT at those GAR ish Trump TOW ers”
SECOND SENIOR CITIZEN CLASS TRIP
“We’ll de LIGHT at the SONGS of a LARK
At a BEAU tiful NEIGH borhood PARK
DON’T be a FRAID
BRING your HEAR ing ade
Or you’ll THINK that damn BIRD’S gonna BARK”
THIRD SENIOR CITIZEN CLASS TRIP
It’s SPRING, so we’ll VIS it a FARM
Don’t WOR ry; it WON’T do you HARM
You can FEED all the GOATS
Some TAS ty nice OATS
But re MEM ber , to USE your good ARM
Like a tree that’s been stripped of its bark,
This country’s reduced by his mark.
Trump’s treasonous way
Unimpeded each day
Leaves our honor with no place to park.
MAMA SAYS: REVISION
You can STAY in your ROOM for all HOURS
Please go OUT and en JOY the spring FLOW ers
But IF you should SPOT
One that LOOKS like pure ROT
Turn LEFT at those GAR ish Trump TOWERS
SECOND SENIOR CITIZEN CLASS TRIP REVISION
We’ll de LIGHT at the SONGS of a LARK
At a BEAU tiful NEIGH borhood PARK
Please DON’T be a FRAID
Wear a GOOD hearing AID
Or you’ll THINK that damn BIRD’S gonna BARK
Ca PRI cious ! the ESS ence of SPRING
A GUY will just HAND you a RING
Then he’ll TAKE it right BACK
And GIVE you the SACK
He’ll then SAY. “It was MERE ly a FLING”
Spring breakers are running amok;
Their parties keep spinning the clock.
Most beach-side resorts
Are filled with reports
Of dress codes with nary a sock.
By his woof, or his wag, or a bark
Little Jake could enlighten the dark
While ensconced on a lap
He so did love to nap
Now his ashes enrich our dog park
[Mad, I didn’t read your example limerick before writing mine, so I came up with the same punch line, but mine has more of a twist.]
A frustrated beaver named Clark
gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
what is going on here –
your bite is much worse than your bark.”
****
From Mad: Yes, indeed! More of a twist and very different from mine.
I’m like a stopped clock, they all say,
as they all push me out of their way,
But I want them to know
while they’re fast or they’re slow,
I’m right at least two times a day!
Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.
Will Shakespeare of lyrics was king;
Tom Morley’s tunes gave them that swing;
Four hundred years pass —
And lover and lass
Are still out there loving the spring.
Morley
Who in VEN ted the BOTH ersome SPRING?
It MAKES my eyes WA ter and STING
I SNEEZE and I WHEEZE
Some ONE tell me PLEASE !
Where’s a PLACE that there AIN’T no such THING?
MY SON’S NAME IS ALSO MARK (TRUE TRUE) OUR DOG LIKES ONLY HIM
(MAYBE HE SMELLS BETTER?)
Our DOG has a VE ry weird BARK
It is TRUE ly quite LOUD and real STARK
In STEAD of ruff RUFF
It’s MORE like gruff GRUFF
It MEANS go to HELL; I want MARK
SECOND VERSION
Who in VEN ted the BOTH ersome SPRING?
It SURE doesn’t MAKE my heart SING !
I SNEEZE and I WHEEZE
So JUST tell me PLEASE
Where’s a PLACE that there AIN’T no such THING?
The ship was about to embark
On a holiday cruise as a lark.
Aboard were Trump’s backers,
Along with their hackers;
It looked like a one-percent ark.
At sea, lots of parties and fun;
Pale bodies would bask in the sun.
Then a meteor struck;
They were all out of luck.
A cosmic adjustment was done.
There once was a reigning monarch
who may have been heard to remark
“We came over dizzy
with this gin lemon fizzy,
would you please add some cinchona bark”
It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.
SENIOR CLASS TRIP #5
Sunday EVE ning we’ll MEET to em BARK
To Chic A go’s new “STAR-Gazing PARK”
Not a ONE will get LOST
For a VE ry small COST
We’ve bought NAME tags that GLOW in the DARK
GRUMPY UNCLE BILL
Uncle BILL will not TALK; he’ll just “BARK”
And I MUST say the SOUND is quite STARK
But it’s THANKS giving DAY
And what EV er which WAY
Don’t you DARE make a SIN gle re MARK !
In WIN ter we PLANT tulip SEEDS
With par TIC ular SOIL that it NEEDS
In the SPRING we’ll see FLO wers
That were WA tered ” by SHOW ers
But MINE come out LOOK ing like WEEDS
REVISION OF TITLE
SENIOR CITIZEN’S CLASS TRIP # FIVE
Sunday EVE ning we’ll MEET to em BARK
To Chig A go’s new “STAR-Gazing” PARK”
Not a ONE will get LOST
For a VE ry small COST
We’ve bought NAME tags that GLOW in the DARK
A neighborhood doggie will bark
Incessantly, long after dark.
Addressing these crimes
Back in biblical times,
They’d banish this mutt from the ark.
In the SPRING many LOV ers will PART
And SOME one has BRO ken my HEART
So I PEEKED at my LAWN
At the BREAK of the DAWN:
(A GEOR gia o’ KEEFFE work of ART)
REVISION
In the SPRING many LOV ers will PART
And SOME one has BRO ken my HEART
At the BREAK of the DAWN
I PEEKED at my LAWN
To a GEOR gia o’ KEEFFE work of ART
On a PALM y and WARM Spring-like NIGHT
My LOV er just HELD me so TIGHT
Then he SAID he had CRABS
This guy GAVE me some SCABS
So I SAID, “Please go OUT for a BITE”
Spring arrived, and with it the State Fair;
“You may go,” her mum said, “but beware!
Stay off the Ferris wheel
Lest your date try to steal
A kiss or two — it pays to take care!”
To the fair she went and she obeyed;
Far away from the wheel, in the shade.
Her date without a word
Stole first, second and third
And then Home — That’s how spring baseball’s played.
Hi, Mad, please change the second line of the second verse to:
“Far away from the wheel, in the shade”
Thanks!
****
Done.
(Boomers’ Lament)
Spring is here, and there’s love in the air
And young men’s thoughts turn to –you know where!
While old men yearn anew
Still to be twenty-two,
With their love beads and lovemaking flair.
After Mueller…
Trump’s voice can be heard in the dark;
“You bastards are LOSERS!” he’ll bark.
Then, nary a peep
As he falls back asleep;
The cell cam revealed his remark.
BAD DOG DAY
Rover LIKES to go OUT in the DARK
He smells IN sects and BIRDS in the PARK
He ATE some nice PLANTS
Then got BIT by the ANTS
Up the WRONG god damn TREE he did BARK
There’s a tree in a now run-down park
With two youthful names carved in its bark;
I remember the day
They were carved, and the way
We kissed after — two kids in the dark.
Joyful hearts attest: spring’s in the air!
Young men’s thoughts turn to love everywhere;
Older men reminisce
Of their own youthful bliss
With love stories they’re eager to share.
A long drought means stressed trees with dry bark
Can go up in a blaze with one spark–
Nearby lovers inflamed
With passion can be blamed
For the fire that burnt down this park.
DID ANYONE SEE “STATE FAIR?” (RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN)
On CHRIST mas he GAVE me a RING
And OH, how it MADE my heart SING
We are MAD ly in LOVE
He’s my SWEET turtle DOVE
So it MIGHT just as WELL be the SPRING
(Inspired by Kathleen Bartoletti’s limerick “Joyful hearts … “)
What Might Have Been ~
Would that I could remember those stories,
Of days filled with wonder and glories.
Flow’ry springs in the park
Where young love would embark,
Fill my memory’s lost inventories.
SOUTH PACIFIC
Am I YOUNG er than SPRING time? hell NO !
Yet I’m FEEL ing that SPEC ial warm GLOW
I THINK it’s a FLASH
I REAL ly should DASH
And GLIDE with the EBB and the FLOW
Mad: Can you please change line one above to:
Am I younger than spring time from hell NO !
to Am I younger than spring time ho HO
Thank You
When we HAD our “al FRES co” af FAIR
The FLOW ers of SPRING were all THERE
So we FROL icked and KISSED
I just COUL dn’t re SIST
And NOW I’ve got BUGS in my HAIR
The FLOW ers are NOW all in BLOOM
But I’m FEEL ing such SAD ness and GLOOM
He said, “SPRING brings new LIFE”
Did he WANT a sweet WIFE?
Or that LIT tle sur PRISE in my WOMB?
It’s Spring and they’re still getting snow.
The mountains are where they could go
To snowboard or ski;
But he’d rather be
Where tan lines are part of the show.
March madness embodies Spring break;
They flock to an ocean or lake.
With parties galore
Going down by the shore;
Where dippers go skinny and bake.
Those remarkable beasts, kangaroos,
When they’re asked for a season to choose,
Without any delay
Will invariably say,
“We like spring time the best!” they enthuse.
SPRING IS HERE
My HEART isn’t DO ing much DANC ing
I want KISS es and REAL hot ro MAN cing
I KNOW it’s the SPRING
And I WANT a great FLING
Poor ME, no one’s E ven just GLANC ing
Mad
Can you please change:
I want kisses and real hot romancing
to I want HUGS and real hot romancing
Previous limerick
Thank You
Those Marching for Life in the park
Could muzzle the NRA’s bark.
The message is clear;
What we’ve all learned to fear:
Their “rights” leave a permanent mark.
“SPRING IS HERE”
My HEART is not DO ing much DANC ing
I NEED some e ROT ic ro MAN cing
I am sorry: my computer does this to me!
REVISION: DIFFERENT LIMERICK “SPRING IS HERE”
My HEART isn’t DO ing much DANC ing
I NEED some e ROT ic ro MAN cing
I KNOW it’s the SPRING
And I WANT a great FLING
Poor ME, no one’s E ven just GLANC ing
The spring, in some countries, is pleasing;
In upstate New York, though, it’s freezing.
Don’t look for spring flowers:
You’ll just find snow showers
And spend next week sneezing and wheezing.
Where’s our modern-day Noah, whose mission
Is to tempt the Most Crass Politician
To agree to embark
On a publicized ark —
And to sink it, and him, to perdition?
There’s NOTH ing like SPRING in New YORK
Take the TRIP, and don’t BE such a DORK
On the SIGHT- seeing BOAT
You will NOT need a COAT
And PLEASE don’t for GET Central PORK
In SPRING when the SWEET flowers BLOOM
You WON’T have that FEEL ing of GLOOM
Right THERE in the PARK
Just have SEX in the STARK
Till SOME one yells, “HEY get a ROOM”
The kangaroo’s hop had no spring;
“What’s wrong?” his wife asked. “Not a thing!”
Thus her husband replied
For he’d sooner have died
Than say he’d been having a fling.
The spring in Mike’s step was affected
The day that the DA rejected
A plea lawyers proposed
After tabloids exposed
His crimes were worse than first detected.
T’was a cool spring night until a spark
From love’s hot steaming iron lit the dark,
Rampant flames burning me
And my love critic’lly
Just before melting MacArthur Park.
Hi, Mad!
Would you please correct a word in my last limerick? (The Mac Arthur Park one.) In the second line, “hot steaming iron” should be “hot fevered iron.” Thanks!
Strolling through rows of spring flowers
At our Home Depot for hours;
Later I can be found
Planting blooms in the ground
Caked with dirt, needing a shower.
Donald THINKS he is MAK ing his MARK
As a PREZ with an UN surpassed SPARK
But we KNOW he is LY ing
And we’re SURE ly not BUY ing
Fake NEWS and his EAR- splitting BARK
We are SING ing a LOVE ly spring TUNE
In this MONTH that we ALL know as JUNE
Just SMELL that fresh AIR
We have NA ry a CARE
Cause we’ve JUST come from TAP per’s sal OON
Old Noah constructed an arc
Because mankind’s future looked dark
Took species in pairs
Sheep, horses and bears
But unicorns failed to embark
Whilst traveling abroad on a lark
They came to rest in a park
He ravished the dolly
Which was his great folly
As then he heard the dogs bark
When I go for a walk after dark
All the neighborhood dogs start to bark.
Is it something they’ve sniffed
That has gotten them miffed,
Or just merely the fact that I’m stark?
SPRING TRAINING
The lifeguard said “Now, on your mark”
They all lined up In the park
Then dove in the water
And one of them got her
When rescued, how doggy did bark!
Double header for you:
“Mom, I just want to ask you one thing —
It’s about ‘Uncle’ Jake. What’s the ‘sting’
That he did?” “You’re too young.”
“And you said he was ‘sprung’ —
Does that mean he got out ’cause it’s spring?”
“You’re too YOUNG!” “And he called you his ‘honey’ —
Does that mean that he’ll sting you for money?”
In a short, edgy bark,
She snapped, “GO TO THE PARK!
Or I’ll do something really not funny!”
Listen UP, all you PUPP ies and HARK !
There’s a DOG that just SIM ply can’t BARK
It’s “ba SEN ji,” of COURSE
And you’ll FEEL much re MORSE
If you BARK a real NAS ty re MARK
AH ! APRIL IN PARIS
If you GO to the LOUVRE you will SEE
Mona LI sa and GET in for FREE
But don’t GO in the SPRING
That’s the TIME for her FLING
With LOU is vitt ON by the SEA
An ice-fishing guy from Green Bay
Was out last November, they say.
He parked in a spot
Where its thickness was not;
They’ll salvage his camper in May.
Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.
March Madness
It’s the month of the cuming of Spring
With a break for the students who swing,
But the cheaters are caught
And are dumped and distraught.
That’s the price of a typical fling!
SENIOR CITIZEN CLASS TRIP #7
We have JUST booked a NICE spring-time CRUISE
And of COURSE, you may GO, if you CHOOSE
It’s a LITT le bit RIS ky
Older MEN can get FRISKY
So re MEM ber to BRING your own BOOZE
SENIOR CITIZEN OUTING #8
This EVE ning we’ll MEET to em BARK
On a TRIP to “comm U nity PARK”
If you SPOT any STALK ers
Go GRAB them there WALK ers
Peel a WAY like a THIEF in the DARK
ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
In SPRING young men’s FAN cies are LOVE
They LONG for their SWEET turtle DOVE
But IF she is LATE
For this WON derful DATE
His FAN cy might NEED a slight SHOVE
It’s finally turned into Spring;
With gardeners doing their thing.
While bunnies are screwing,
A big storm is brewing;
Indictments hit Trump’s little ring.
THE LOUVRE: ANOTHER VERSION
If you GO to the LOUVRE in Par EE
You can VIEW Mona LI sa for FREE
But don’t GO in the SPRING
That’s when SHE has her FLING
With LOU is vitt ON by the SEA
A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Kept bashing the party of Ronald.
Comeuppance was stark
When they silenced his bark;
Demolished by those that he fondled.
My canine was quick off the mark
He wanted a walk in the park
My God, how he stunk
When he bit that poor skunk!
Now his bite’s not as bad as his bark.
As a nation we chose to embark
On a path down a hole, in the dark.
We’re adrift and bereft.
All we sane folks have left
Are reserves of derision and snark.
MIXED MARRIAGE
Chih UA hua and PUG loved the DARK
And SEC retly MET in the PARK
It was QUITE a damn SHAME
That they WER’ent the “SAME”
But for THEM it was LOVE at first BARK
The nation has surely embarked,
on a voyage far off the mark.
With Trump at the helm,
we have entered the realm,
of the Twilight Zone after dark.
To herald the coming of spring
My honey and I like to swing;
Scottish highlanders too,
Greet the spring — When they do
They celebrate with a fling.
In the candy store, the chocolate bark
Called to me through the case: ” I am dark,
Full of almonds and more,
Please dear, don’t leave this store
Without taking me home!– Where’d you park?”
I could not resist, so home we went
My desired aroused by its scent;
Alas, without the might
To withstand my love bite
My Sweet was consumed — Still, I repent.
WHAT’S SO GOOD ABOUT SPRING?
Spring CLEAN ing !!! I’ll THOR ough ly SWEEP !
A me TIC ulous HOUSE I must KEEP !
When it COMES to the BIRDS
I yell FRUS trating WORDS:
“Shut UP; don’t you KNOW I’m a SLEEP?”
UPDATE: The Limerick-Off deadline and the new Limerick-Off have been postponed by TWO Weeks because my laptop’s broken. The New Deadline is APRIL 14!!!
My apologies! It should have been a relatively quick repair. But, unfortunately, the wrong replacement part was delivered.
Enjoying a walk in the park
A physicist stepped on a quark –
“Darn, it’s stuck on my shoe
But I know what to do –
Scrape it off on this tree’s shaggy bark.
At the office I’m making my mark
But one day I got dressed in the dark
I turned a few heads
With my purples and reds
And they told me I looked like a claque.
He goes to a club after dark;
“Bartender – another!” he’ll bark.
His purpose inside
Means he’ll pay to provide
A place for their fannies to park.
Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.
As the Ark was about to embark,
A cute pigeon named Mad found her Mark.
Where’ve you been, my dear mate?
You flew in a bit late…
“I just chanced to get off on a lark.”
SPRING HOLIDAYS
The HOL i day FOODS fill our BEL ly
With TUR key, or HAM, even DE li
No MAT ter which CREED
The PROB lem’s in DEED
Who’ll SIT near the GUY that’s real SMEL ly?
ON THAT SAME TOPIC
You can LOVE all the SONGS of a LARK
Or the WAY that the CUTE doggies BARK
If you HAP pen to STINK
Just STOP and then THINK
Why you’re AL ways a LONE at the PARK
EASTER DINNER AT GRANDMA’S
Huh? PIZ za for EAST er ? mor ONE !
Have you TAK en a TRIP to the ZONE?
And WHAT’S with these SNAILS?
They TASTE just like NAILS
Me THINKS you’ll be EAT ing a LONE
There once was a lawyer named Crude,
Who loved to be publicly nude.
He’d often embark,
On a jog in a park,
To exhibit the bits that protrude.
He would frolic and loll in loopholes,
While eluding police on patrols.
He showed little decorum,
In springtime or autumn,
But still he remained on the rolls.
It seemed such enjoyable fun,
To flash and flamboyantly run.
Alas – he was recognized,
His colleagues were scandalized,
And bad press nearly brought him undone.
For streaking so very unruly,
He was quickly found guilty by jury.
But with anger intense,
He maintained innocence,
Then pants off he ran off in fury!
MAD’S NEW YORK SPRING
It’s NOT that we’re REAL ly a MUSED
And NOR are we AT all be MUSED
But the EAST in the SPRING
Has been ONE nasty THING
So that EV en the BIRDS are con FUSED !
OOPS!
It’s NOT that we’re REAL ly a MUSED
And you CAN’T call it VE ry be MUSED
But the EAST in the SPRING
Has been ONE dreadful THING
So that EV en the BIRDS are con FUSED !
SENIOR CITIZEN COOKS PASSOVER DINNER
Aunt GER trude is UP there in AGE
Yet her FRIENDS think she’s QUITE a real “SAGE”
She said, “COME to my SED er
I’ll SEE you all LA ter”
And GRACED us with THANKS giving TUR key
That didn’t RHYME !!!!! (SORRY)
SENIOR CITIZEN COOKS PASSOVER DINNER
We’re ALL feeling HAP py and PER ky
Yet, Aunt GER trude is THOUGHT of as ” QUIR ky”
She said, “COME to my SED er
I’ll SEE you all LAT er”
And GRACED us with THANKS giving TUR key
IS IT REALLY SPRING IN THE EAST ??
New YORK ers are NOT real a MUSED
And SOME even FEEL quite a BUSED !
But the EAST in the SPRING
Has been ONE dreadful THING
So that EV en the BIRDS are con FUSED !
CAMELOT: “If Ever I Should Leave You”
If I EV er should LEAVE my sweet THING
I’ve de CI ded to DO it this SPRING
With her STU pid damn GAR den
I SURE need a PAR don
And a LAS, have some TIME for a FLING
Those poodles on FOX after dark
Have comedy shows for a lark.
Befitting a swine,
They whimper and whine
Like dogs with their laughing-gas bark.
I heard of a fellow named Marc
To whom a barista did bark:
“Et ton nom, SVP?”
“Oh it’s Marc, with a c”
So the paper-cup label read “Cark”
For SPRING- time mag NOL ias I YEARN
But I’m HAV ing some MA jor con CERN
I FEEL such re GRETS
There are NO vio LETS
April SHOW ers just MADE a wrong TURN
She encountered The Donald that spring;
Who talked about having a fling.
In a moment or two,
She instinctively knew
That childcare just wasn’t her thing.
Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.
Mary POP pins just LOVED the warm SPRING
She was RE cently SEEN on her WING
While IN her um BREL la
She MET a cute FELLA
And HAD a real HOT air borne FLING
CORRECTION: LIN
Mary POP pins just LOVED the warm SPRING
She was RE cently SEEN on the “WING”
While IN her um BREL la
She MET a cute FEL la
And HAD a real HOT airborne FLING
MAD: MY LAPTOP HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN !!
CORRECTIONS OF ABOVE LIMERICK
YOU, OF COURSE WILL NOTICE
THANK YOU
CORRECTION
For SPRING-time mag NO lias I YEARN
But I’m HAV ing some MAJ or con CERN
Just WHERE are the BLOS soms?
All I SEE are damn POSS ums
April SHOW ers just MADE a wrong TURN !
SENIOR CITIZEN EVENING OUTING
To NIGHT we have PLANNED to em BARK
On a TRIP to the “MEM ory” PARK
Re MEM ber your NAME
If you CAN’T, play this GAME:
Just MAKE like a DOG gie and BARK
I SEE THE MISTAKE !!
SENIOR CITIZEN OUTING !!
To NIGHT we’ll go OUT in the DARK
On a TRIP to the “MEM ory ” PARK
Re MEM ber your NAME
If you CAN’T, play this GAME:
Just MAKE like a DOG gie and BARK
THRID TRY
To NIGHT we’ll go OUT in the DARK
On a TRIP to the MEM ory PARK
If you DON’T know your NAME
Play this REAL simple GAME:
Just MAKE like a DOG gie and BARK
When Noah had finished the Ark,
He issued the order, “Embark!
Form an orderly queue
And proceed, two by two;
And my sons will decide where you park.”
“Our dogs’ bite is far worse than their bark,
Which they’ll prove, if you’re caught in the park.
Cock a snook, if you dare,
These chaps like their meat rare;
AND BE WARNED! They can see in the dark.”
“I was all set – about to embark,
But was griped by your final remark.
‘What good’s fortune,’ you said,
‘If we never get wed?’
Now Titanic’s gone down in the dark.”
With his winnings our dad bought a barque,
And invited his friends to embark.
“We’ll go fishing,” he said.
The fish heard him and fled;
So, they ended up sailing to Sark.
“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”
(Judy Garland)
We saw “EAST er Pa RADE” in the SPRING
That MOV ie just MADE us two SING
And that ACT ress named JU dy
Was SUCH a real CUT ie
That my HEART strings just HAD to go ZING.
Mad
Please change line 5 to: That my HEART strings just HAD to go ZING
Thank You
********
Done
There be others ‘sides dogs that can bark;
Seals an’ foxes – an’ sergeants, “So Hark!’
You can bark up a tree,
Or by scraping your knee,
Or by toutin’ ‘delights’ after dark.
“It is thanks to a passing remark,
That we’re waiting our turn to embark.
My partner and I
Where just sauntering by
And the man said, ‘This way to the Ark’.”
Dear Mad, Please use this revised version of ne above. Thank you, Tony
With his winnings our dad bought a barque
And invited his friends to embark.
“We’ll go fishing,” he said.
The fish heard him and fled;
So, they ended up sailing to Sark.
Spring
You know Nature is feeling the urge,
When the daffodils cover the verge.
And when trees start to bloom,
The long months spent in gloom,
Are forgotten now Nature’s on, “Splurge!”.
Dear Mad, Please judge on the basis of this version. Only a minr change, I know, but if a thing’s worth doing… Thank you, Tony
There be others ‘sides dogs that can bark;
Seals an’ foxes – an’ sergeants, “So ‘ark!’
You can bark up a tree,
Or by scraping your knee,
Or by toutin’ ‘delights’ after dark.
This one likewise, please. T
“It is thanks to a passing remark,
That we’re waiting our turn to embark.
Yes, my partner and I
Where just sauntering by,
And the man said, ‘This way to the Ark’.”
This one likewise, please, Mad. Thank you, Tony.
“It is thanks to a passing remark,
That we’re waiting our turn to embark.
Yes, my partner and I
Where just sauntering by,
And the man said, ‘This way to the Ark’.”
Sci-Fi writer, Sir Arthur C. Clarke,
Hit a roadblock explaining the ‘Quark’.
“This is tricky,” he wrote
In his journal, I quote,
“As I can’t find a point to embark.”
That should be ‘gripped’ not ‘griped’. I’m so impetutous. Tony
It is SAID that the “SPRING’S in the AIR”
But I’m CER tain I’ve LOOKED every WHERE
Is it IN the blue CLOUDS?
Per HAPS in the CROWDS?
Or the TICKS I just FOUND in my HAIR !
It is SAID biting DOGS do not BARK
Who KNEW? So To DAY in the PARK
I PLAYED with a PUG
Who CHEWED up my MUG
Just who PENNED that mor O nic re MARK?
So as not to use the word “WHO” three times, I think this is better!
Lisi
It is SAID biting DOGS do not BARK
Who KNEW? So to DAY in the PARK
I PLAYED with a PUG;
He CHEWED up my MUG
What JERK penned this REAL dumb re MARK?
Mad (sorry)
It should be what jerk penned THAT real dumb remark?
(Every word counts!)
Lisi
I should never have said I’d embark
On a fortnight of lettuce and quark!
Twelve pounds lost… yes, that’s fine —
But I’m jonesing for wine,
Baked potatoes and chocolate (dark)!
In the valleys ‘e’s, Owain The Spark,
An’ ‘e does ‘is best work in the dark.
If your fuses ‘ave blown,
Don’ sit frettin’ alone!
Get ‘The Spark’ on the blower an’ bark!
So, the lads thought it might be a lark
To set sail and go fishing for shark.
I asked, “What about bait?”
They said, “You’ll do, Old Mate.”
Well, I flatly refused to embark.
There’s no future in being a nark.
Not a journey on which to embark!
Quite apart from the shame,
There’s the risk of the game;
All is lost by one careless remark.
If ONE day your SWEET boyfriend, MARK
Should BRING you some CHOC olate BARK
Just DON’T be a FRAID
To SPRAY it with RAID
Then THROW it a WAY in the DARK
“Hey! How about this for a lark?
We’ve got beer, let’s go fishing for shark!”
‘Beer and sharks – with this crew –
In a six-man canoe?
That’s insane – and I’m in. Let’s embark!’
SPRING TIME WEDDING
We were WED in the SWEET month of MAY
As we WATCHED all the GEN tle trees SWAY
But we STOOD a bit CLOSE
It was REAL ly quite GROSS
When the BLUE birds pooped ON her bou QUET
“Whilst patrollin’ my beat in the park,
I responded to screams in the dark.
I arrived, nick of time,
But since passions no crime,
I was pointedly asked to ‘Embark!’.”
Sorry, missing apostrophe. The humiliatio!
“Whilst patrollin’ my beat in the park,
I responded to screams in the dark.
I arrived, nick of time,
But since passion’s no crime,
I was pointedly asked to ‘Embark!’.”
April BROUGHT us a VE ry big FLOOD
We all SPLOSHED in mys TER ious CRUD
So WHEN came the SPRING
To the TREES it did CLING
So we CARVED our in I tials in MUD
Peter, Paul and Mary in Spring?
Have you SEEN such a BEAU tiful FAWN?
But LOOK ! now the FLOW ers are GONE
Cause when EVE ning was NIGH
The DEER happened BY
And PIGGED out un TIL it was DAWN
not a duplicate: fawn doesn’t rhyme with gone
Have you SEEN such a BEAU tifiul FAWN?
But LOOK what’s he’s DONE to my LAWN !
When the EVE ning is nigh
Do the DEER happen BY?
And PIG out un TIL it’s the DAWN?
To the WIN ter, I SAY “Au rev OIR!”
And GREET the sweet SPRING, “Here you ARE”!
You BRING me such JOY
But I HAVE to say “OY!”
“What’s with ALL that bird SHIT on my CAR?”
BOOMERS!!
In the SPRING all my FRIENDS got en GAGED
But when MAR ried they FELT so “en SLAVED”
Time went BY and of COURSE
Came their FIN al di VORCE
Now they LOVE “Match dot COM for the AGED”
CORRECTION OF RHYME SCHEME: (outraged)
In the SPRING all my FRIENDS got en GAGED
But MAR riage made SOME quite out RAGED
Time went BY, and of COURSE
Came their FIN al di VORCE
Now they LOVE “Match dot COM for the AGED”
ABOVE LIMERICK: MAD
Could you change ” LOVE” match dot com to
“USE” match dot com?
Thank You
Lisi
A seafaring prankster named Mark,
Received orders: “It’s time to embark!”
He replied, “Mark regrets,
He’s tied up at Jeanette’s.”
He was pressganged that night, after dark.
My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.
Oh SPRING ! You have FIN ally COME !
But ME? I am FEEL ing so GLUM
Two “BIRDS from that BUSH”
Bit me IN my fat TUSH
Now my ASS is just TOT ally NUMB
A BIRD IN THE HAND !!!
Oh SPRING ! You have FIN ally COME !
But ME? I am FEEL ing so GLUM
Two “BIRDS from that BUSH”
Bit me IN my fat TUSH
Now my ASS is just TOT ally NUMB
STUDENT GETS AN “F” FOR MESSING UP EVERYTHING
The SPRING brings much HOPE for a BREAST
Now COMES the true RIG orous TEST
I TOOK off her BLOUSE
She CALLED me a LOUSE
Me THINKS that this CHICK done pro TEST
OOPS!
STUDENT GETS AN “F” FOR MESSING UP EVERYTHING
The SPRING brings much HOPE for a BREAST
And I WON’T let this THOUGHT have a REST
I TOOK off her BLOUSE
She CALLED me a LOUSE
Me THINKS that this CHICK done pro TEST
In chic A go, the WIN ter does STING
A WARM coat and HAT you must BRING
But WHEN lovers KISS
They FEEL so much BLISS
In their HEARTS it will AL ways be SPRING
Those nitwits and jackals on FOX
Spread rumors and half-truths like pox.
They bluster and bark
For an idiot’s lark;
The one with a head full of rocks.
Spring has SPRUNG a damn LEAK in my SINK
There’s a FLOOD and I SURE need a DRINK
I CAN’T wait for SUM mer
This SEA son’s a BUM mer
I’m in CRI sis and CLOSE to the BRINK
My HEART beats much FAST er in SPRING
I a WAIT such a BEAU tiful THING
I GO to the PARK
To hear CUTE doggies BARK
Then knock BOOTS on my FAV orite SWING
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
The Spring bullfrog serenade
Miles re calling out to be ñaid
With sonorous call
Suitor seeking his doll
My hopes of a good sleep do fade
SPRING TIME MEMORIES
Is it APR il in PAR is a GAIN?
I FOND ly re MEM ber just WHEN
The TREES were in BLOOM
They SMELLED like per FUME
And I DROWNED that damn CHEAT in the SEINE
Two mad dogs face each other and bark;
Missiles fly; warships mass in the dark;
And I long for the truth
Of my innocent youth,
Back when “war” was a game in the park.
PAT BOONE
He SINGS “April LOVE’S for the YOUNG”
Which LEAVES me com PLETE ly un STRUNG
I am REAL ly too OLD
To cry OUT or be BOLD
Un LESS “Mister WORN-out’s” well- HUNG
Thanks so much everyone for another fun limerick contest. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 295. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Tease.