Canned Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since it’s Super Bowl Sunday, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to the Super Bowl, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Super Bowl limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who’d been recently canned…*

or

A gal who’d been recently canned…*

or

A man who’d been served something canned…*

or

A gal who’d been served something canned…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Canned Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A pianist, quite recently canned,
Was promoting his newly-formed band.
But his bucks now are fewer:
He bribed a reviewer
Who wrote for one K, “This band’s grand!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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109 Responses to “Canned Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Linkmeister says:

    A man who’d been served something canned
    said “Wait! This is not what I planned!
    I’d expected fresh meat
    T’would have been such a treat
    I insist that this phony be banned!”

  2. Gary Hallock says:

    A man ate beans recently canned
    Was plotting a great one night stand
    With a gal he’d just met
    Who’d also beans, et
    Date ended far sooner than planned

  3. Gary Hallock says:

    A gal who’d been served something canned
    By a date who had kinky sex planned
    Left right after dinner
    He never got in ‘er
    For she’d guessed his taste was too bland

  4. Jesse Levy says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    just couldn’t perform sex as planned.
    His wife thought this curious
    but also got furious
    so now she is all newly manned.

  5. Gary Hallock says:

    Two lovers ate beans that were canned
    With strong jalapenos. How grand!
    All night long they farted
    And once they got started
    The flames were repeatedly fanned

  6. Hoot Gibson says:

    A double-bassist quite recently canned
    Knew his skill was still in demand.
    So he played, outdoors, nude,
    A well-known etude,
    And he’s in the looney-bin band.

  7. colonialist says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    Woke feeling that he’d been trepanned,
    Though with blonde in a bed,
    No libido; instead
    A certainty he’d been unmanned!

    Sardines who’d been recently canned
    Complained this was not what they’d planned
    Though swimming in shoals
    Was part of their roles,
    This closeness took things out of hand.

  8. Sue Dulley says:

    A woman was recently canned
    From her job with a sharp reprimand.
    She’d used their computer
    To redistribute her
    Old photos she shouldn’t have scanned.

  9. Sue Dulley says:

    A freegan ate fruit that was canned
    And found that it tasted just grand
    Though the Best Before date
    Said “You’re two days too late –
    By the food bank this should have been banned!”

  10. Sue Dulley says:

    A woman’s relieved to be canned.
    When summer arrives she has planned
    To move near some beaches,
    Eat fresh (not canned) peaches
    And lie on the sand getting tanned.

  11. Sue Dulley says:

    (Back to my roots)…
    If I were a bean I’d be canned
    In sauce that’s not spicy but bland
    And eaten on toast
    On the Lancashire coast
    Where the sea often covers the sand

  12. John Sardo says:

    A gal who was recently canned
    Her pay she would loudly demand
    The boss said you’ll get it
    But mine first or forget it
    She said fella I’m not grazing land.

  13. John Sardo says:

    A gal who was recently canned
    Took a job at a club that was banned
    When she stripped to her toes
    The customers all froze
    From her toes to her nose she was beautifully tanned.

  14. John Sardo says:

    A man who was recently canned
    Worked a club the cops had just banned
    T’was a stripper you see
    Made gals howl with glee
    But his tail back to jail the law did remand.

  15. John Sardo says:

    A woman was served something canned
    Contained horse meat that once had been banned.
    She rose with a shout
    Soon cantered about
    Joined the fifth at Belmont, won a grand.

  16. John Sardo says:

    A man who was recently canned
    From a job he just could not stand
    Worked all day in fish muck
    Until he would chuck
    Finally took a safe job on dry land.

  17. Pat Hatt says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    Because he looked far too tanned
    After some time away
    On a sick day
    Should have closed the barn door after leaving the sand

  18. Sue Dulley says:

    Moaned one sad economist, canned
    For breaking the law of Demand
    and Supply, “I regret
    I never will get
    To shake the Invisible Hand.”

  19. Laurie Baker says:

    An astronaut found himself canned
    NASA decided to continue unmanned
    So he hung up his suit
    And conceded his commute
    Was restricted to walking on land.

  20. Hansi says:

    A man who was served something canned
    Said, “I hate Lima beans with ham.”
    But he stuck in his fork
    And pulled out some pork
    And thought, “This is better than I planned”.

  21. rbasler says:

    A gal who was served something canned
    Demanded the name of the brand
    “If it’s not Wolfgang Puck,
    “Then I say, WTF!
    “Let’s go eat at that great hot dog stand!”

  22. scott says:

    A gal who’d been recently canned,
    saw her removal first hand,
    when they took out a mass,
    that was in Rupert’s ass.
    They thought she was his prostate gland.

  23. A flautist who’d been recently canned,
    Felt things hadn’t gone as he’d planned;
    So, he boutht him a Glock
    With pearl-handled stock,
    Went back and killed all in the band.

    Said Hizonner to guy who’d been canned,
    “Tell me why you killed all in the band?”
    “Well judge, let’s just say,
    Things did not go my way.
    Set me free or you’re dead where you stand.”

    “Don’t be rash you young man who’d been canned.
    Take this baton, now you lead the band.”
    “Thanks a lot Hizonner,
    Coulda been a gonner.
    I’ll make Sing Sing’s band best in the land.”

    So the whacko, the one who’d been canned,
    Climbed what he thought the conductor’s stand.
    He thought wrong, instead
    They put rope round his head,
    Pulled trap door, now he leads Satan’s band.

  24. zongrik says:

    A magistrate was recently canned
    as the defense was taking a stand.
    In a former slave state
    with a high conviction rate
    judges shouldn’t take naps that aren’t planned!

    for reading, and links to real story see sleeping judge limerick

  25. patience and the prodigal says:

    From Patience;

    A gal who’d been recently canned
    bought a book that was recently banned
    She was told it was sinful
    She said “I had a skinful,
    All it cost me was seventeen rand”.

    and The Prodigal:

    A man who was recently canned
    met a woman he just couldn’t stand,
    her favourite tricks
    feeling guys and their wicks
    He said “maybe I’ll just shake her hand”.

  26. Charley Simmons says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    Turned hermit and lived off the land
    He wore one dirty shirt
    But, what really hurt
    From the exec’s wash room he’s banned.

  27. Steve Earp says:

    A drummer informed he was canned
    Confronted the rest of the band
    “It’s not your percussion”
    Began the discussion
    “Your coke habits got out of hand”

  28. Steve Earp says:

    A pirates career was canned
    When skirmishing miles from land
    Meant all of a sudden
    His left leg was wooden
    And now had a hook for a hand.

  29. Dean Deters says:

    A man who’d been served something canned,
    Saw it wasn’t a popular brand.
    So he turned up his nose,
    Struck a haughty pose,
    And from his wife’s bed he was banned.

  30. Sue Dulley says:

    A gambler was recently canned
    And banned from the MGM Grand
    He made all his wins
    Masquerading as twins
    While holding a queen in each hand.

    A cyclist was publicly canned
    For using some drugs that were banned.
    A long-drawn-out story:
    He lost all his glory
    And most of the gold he had panned.

    A Latin prof recently canned
    Goes back to his college, though banned.
    Here’s what’s the matter,
    “Persona non grata”
    Is language he can’t understand.

    My fav’rite TV show was canned
    Which made my horizons expand.
    No longer House-bound
    I google around
    Destinations like far Samarkand.

    A programmer lately was canned
    For work not delivered when planned.
    Her hands, not so nimble
    Kept typing the symbol
    ‘Percent’ when she meant ‘ampersand’.

  31. Sue Dulley says:

    Some news readers ought to be canned
    For failing to quite understand
    That stress should be leaning
    On words with more meaning
    Than short ones like “by”, “for” and “and”.

  32. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A young gal was served something canned
    A mystery which tasted quite bland
    But then after eating
    It kept on repeating
    From her mouth ? No, from her lower gland!

  33. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A man went and bought something canned
    And after eating just could’nt stand
    For on the John he was sitting
    Just shitting and shitting
    So thinks that he’ll now change his Brand.

  34. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A limericker recently canned
    As a stock clerk had one last demand:
    She said she would need her
    Handheld barcode reader
    To ensure that her poetry scanned.

  35. Bob Dvorak says:

    A man who’d been recently canned,
    ‘Cause his writing’s exceeding bland,
    Found his other-world self
    On an A&P shelf
    Next to Campbell’s and some other brand.

  36. Bob Dvorak says:

    The singer’s performance was canned,
    And it didn’t go off quite as planned.
    In looking beyond, say
    The pundits, “Okay.
    “Not just her. Don’t that just beat the band?!”

  37. JulesPaige says:

    Once, long ago the oysters were canned…
    Dented tins on sale should be banned
    Don’t attempt to open a swelled one
    That’s outdated, you’ll have no fun -
    You’ll clean up an explosive mess, unplanned!

  38. Tom Hale says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    Accidentally—it wasn’t planned
    Was set free by his wife
    With a Swiss Army knife
    And felt grand when the can was unmanned

  39. Sue Dulley says:

    A company doomed to be canned
    If its latest new products get panned
    Found that RIM didn’t suit
    In a market with fruit
    Now its name is the same as its brand.

    Before this old store clerk gets canned
    I am quitting my job! Fabricland
    Can survive without me
    After Feb 23
    If I have to, I’ll live off the land.

  40. Sue Dulley says:

    Version 2.0 of the one before last:

    A company feared getting canned
    If its smartphones did not sell as planned.
    To paraphrase Tim
    They rrrolled up the RIM,
    Now their name is the same as their brand.

  41. John Larkin says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    because of his wandering hand,
    said, “I know it’s not funny
    but I needed the money
    and I got the O.K. from Ayn Rand.

  42. Sue Dulley says:

    A footballer (British) was canned
    For touching the ball with his hand.
    That would be okay
    In the US of A
    Where “football”s a whole different brand.

    Should soccer officials be canned
    For matches whose outcomes were planned?
    It would be a shame
    If the Beautiful Game
    Turned ugly through gambling’s demand.

  43. Tom Harris says:

    A gal who’d been served something canned
    Thought it was cold, tasteless and bland.
    But the cook, her friend Rex,
    Always served spicy sex,
    And now he was naked and tanned.

  44. hegesias says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    By his female boss felt unmanned.
    “Reverse sexism,” he claimed.
    “My penis is maimed!”
    Though it wasn’t his boss but his hand.

  45. Don says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    was chagrined as it came earlier than planned
    but with no remorse
    he saddled up his horse
    and hopped back on the carousel again

  46. Don says:

    A man who had recently canned
    some humor with a mighty big plan
    hoped when he popped the top
    his jokes wouldn’t flop
    and his dreams drift away like sand

  47. Sue Dulley says:

    A fairy-tale genie was canned
    In an oil-lamp, if I understand?
    If he ever got out
    He’d say something about
    Your wish being, like, his command.

    The penny this week has been canned
    In this north-of-fortynine land
    But hardly a shopper
    Needs money of copper
    Unless use of plastic is banned.

  48. brian miller says:

    a man who had recently been canned
    burst through the doors to make his demands
    with a full automatic
    they are legal, dont get spastic
    i bet you thought i would say they should be banned

  49. Sue Dulley says:

    A not-too-bright teacher was canned
    For wanting all books to be banned
    Which flowed from the pen
    Of two feminine ‘men’
    To wit, Georges Eliot and Sand.

  50. Sue Dulley says:

    A bad-boy comedian, canned
    From shows that he caused to be panned
    Led a troubled young life,
    Wed and lost well-known wife,
    Now calls himself Russell ReBrand.

  51. Ann LeFlore says:

    My dog was recently canned
    He hated the brand new brand
    So he barked up a pole
    And fell in a hole
    Now he thinks he’s in command

    Love your work it is nice to read it again. Not so good with this but fun to try.

  52. Bruce Niedt says:

    A guy who was recently canned
    lost intelligence bureau command.
    For some broad – well, he’d fallen,
    when she wrote he was “All In” -
    his career didn’t go quite as planned.

  53. Bruce Niedt says:

    A man who was recently canned
    from his job as a hog farmer’s hand,
    said, “Just ‘cos I sat in
    the sty, spoke Pig Latin -
    a language that they’d understand.”

  54. Bruce Niedt says:

    Said Charlie, who was recently canned,
    “It’s a fate that I do understand,
    though my hour is darkest,
    I once worked for Star-Kist -
    we tuna are much in demand.”

  55. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A man was recently canned
    For his Limericks, they said should be banned
    But it came to pass
    That in their own class
    His verse was the best in the land.

  56. Bruce Niedt says:

    A little meter tweak:

    Says Charlie, who’s recently canned,
    “It’s a fate that I do understand,
    though my hour is darkest,
    I once worked for Star-Kist -
    we tuna are much in demand.”

  57. Diane Groothuis says:

    A young girl was recently canned
    From learning to dance with a band
    She kicked and she stumbled
    Fell over and fumbled
    No wonder her can – can was banned.

  58. Edmund Conti says:

    A poet was recently canned
    For lim’ricks that rhymed and that scanned
    That wasn’t their fault
    They just had no gestalt
    And besides were exceedingly bland.

  59. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    He ate “all the fruit that I canned”
    Per a freeloading cannery hand,
    And he “drinked all the juice”
    That he could. Note his use
    Of irregular verbs lacks command.

  60. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    For screwing the boys in the band.
    It wasn’t the screwing
    That was his undoing
    When he got to the drummer, he fanned.

  61. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    For making the losses expand.
    Our profits were higher
    But your multiplier
    Got mixed with your multiplicand.

  62. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    For being too high paid a hand.
    And as he was fired
    A new man was hired
    And that’s how a Walmart is manned.

  63. A fellow was recently canned
    for doing something he did not plan
    he jumped up and down
    and ran all around
    until he ran into his mother.

  64. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    Carousing in old Samarkand.
    He had too much sex
    With the local Uzbeks
    Enjoying the lay of the land.

  65. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    For stealing from Farmer Brown’s stand
    He snatched up three pears,
    Mrs. Brown’s lemon squares
    and more fruit and some vegetables and…

  66. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    For behavior that was borderland
    While trying to get back
    To the U.S. (a wetback!)
    He got lost in the cold Rio Grande.

  67. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    And also by Madeleine banned.
    You never will thrive
    If you leave out line five

  68. Jesse Levy says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    by the Mafia, or the Black Hand.
    The Don gave permish
    to make “tuna fish”
    So now on the shelf he will land

  69. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A librarian, recently canned,
    Has a crush on each girl in the land.
    Both at work and in love
    He has no notion of
    When to search with an OR, NOT, or AND.

  70. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned;
    He got himself overall tanned.
    Seems that place down below
    Has no reason to glow.
    There bronzing is not in demand.

  71. Diane Groothuis says:

    That fellow so recently canned
    For getting his whole body tanned
    Was seizing the chance
    To give us a glance
    While drawing a line in the sand.

  72. Sue Dulley says:

    So now it appears Conti’s canned
    From this blog so where next will he land?
    At a site for haiku
    And the short clerihew
    Or seek solace in Old Samarkand?

  73. Sue Dulley says:

    This is my entry for ‘worst limerick’…

    (For this one I ought to be canned)
    A three-week-old verse comes to hand
    The lim rhyme was ‘claim’,
    Dragon could not breathe flame.
    Could be it was Custard’s last stand.

  74. Edmund Conti says:

    A fellow was recently canned
    For playing with boys in the band
    The instruments played
    Had the leader dismayed
    So much that they had to disband.

  75. ytcai says:

    A gal who’d been recently canned
    Was the lead singer in a chick band
    she was mounting her mike
    found out what it felt like
    Now it’s no longer her one night stand

  76. ytcai says:

    A man who’d been served something canned
    Developed a bad rash on sex gland
    tried boosting libido
    by stuffing his speedo
    Who knew that those oysters still held sand

  77. Diane Groothuis says:

    A fan-dancer recently canned
    Was so drunk she hardly could stand
    She looked like a fool
    For losing her cool
    And her fanny was not even fanned.

  78. Edmund Conti says:

    My Super Bowl epic is done
    And one of the teams may have won
    With numerals Roman
    And Ravens (an omen?)
    And a blackout to add to the fun.

  79. James Meritt says:

    A poor fellow recently canned
    whose spouse left with their hired hand
    wasn’t bothered at all
    for he’d won “Power ball”!
    (Things couldn’t go better if planned!)

  80. yt cai says:

    From my job I was recently canned
    For reasons I cannot understand
    It turns out that the trick
    Is don’t write limerick
    While for your boss you’re taking shorthand

  81. Linda H. says:

    A man was recently canned
    For coming to work super tanned
    ’cause from head down to his boots
    had wore nothing but his birthday suit,
    and now he is forever banned.

  82. WalterMatthau says:

    A guy who was recently canned
    was one of those people who’d scanned
    the travelers who
    might hide in their shoe
    a device not high in demand

    He frisked wheelchair-bound flyers
    looking for stuff with those wires
    while every plane
    held bags of cocaine
    stuffed into the landing gear tires

    A dog sniffed out the offense
    He bristled and was so incensed
    He fed the mutt jello
    with #2 yellow
    and left it outside of the fence

  83. Kevin Ahern says:

    A man was just recently canned
    When his stumbling steps went unplanned
    So for his great big ‘oops’
    He’s now in Campbell’s soups
    From the toes on his feet to his hands

  84. Edmund Conti says:

    Did the ball game excel V I I?
    Did it make you just sit back and sigh?
    Or did you get bored
    When they scored and they scored?
    Was the blackout a memorable high?

  85. My cat cannot bear food that’s canned
    Out of season, unseasoned or bland
    She won’t have a nibble
    Or soupçon of kibble
    But gophers are gruesomely grand

  86. Tim James says:

    A man who’d been served something canned
    Got cramps that got way out of hand.
    Your guts won’t be roiled
    If your food’s never spoiled.
    That’s why Twinkies are so in demand.

  87. Diane Groothuis says:

    A serve of sardines which was canned
    Had a bar-code which could not be scanned
    The dill on the till
    Said “I’ve just had my fill
    You’d better just try a new brand”

  88. Johanna Richmond says:

    A senior home worker was canned
    For thoughtfully lending a hand
    To the ladies — their files
    He kept in two piles:
    “Still stressed” and “sufficiently manned.”

  89. Finally in! And here’s my entry -

    Hardly Dreaming and Barely Beaming

    Stay safe in the storm, all!

  90. An escort was recently canned
    For lit’rally beating the band
    She was given the boot
    When her Madame found oout
    She’d been giving them all a free hand

  91. A woman was recently canned
    For teaching that one in the hand
    Was worth two in the bush
    It’s a theory she’d push
    But not one that us boys understand

  92. To paraphrase Donald, “You’re Canned!”
    Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand
    It’s no TV show lout
    That he’s talking about
    But his face in the mirror all tanned

  93. A gal who’d been recently canned
    Was asked “Sarah, what next have you planned?”
    First she hummed, then she hawed
    Then inspired by god
    She said “Share More Broadly the Message of the Beauty of Freedom and the Imperative of Defending Our Republic and Restoring This Most Exceptional Nation”

  94. A man who’d been recently canned
    For visiting sites that were banned
    Found it hard to let go
    For a minute or so
    He’d it all in the palm of his hand

  95. A woman was recently canned
    For indecently using a hand
    To first hide then reveal
    Then refuse to conceal
    The two bits that she hadn’t quite tanned

  96. The super bowl’s finally here
    Seems the hype has been building all year
    And while some think the game
    Is exceedingly lame
    We’ll use any excuse to drink beer

  97. QBs throw the bombs, LBs blitz
    The coach barks his orders and spits
    While boys from the benches
    Make war in the trenches
    And fans drink Budweiser and Schlitz

  98. Dr. Goose says:

    A man who’s been recently canned
    Met his fate in a manner quite bland:
    “The reasoning why
    Is the growth of supply
    Exceeded the growth of demand.”

  99. Dr. Goose says:

    A man who’d been recently canned,
    As economists all understand,
    Would increase the score
    Of U2, -3 & -4;
    Which others, I can’t say offhand.

  100. Dr. Goose says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    Said: “The market has got out of hand.
    I’m a go-get-’em guy,
    But I’m ready to try
    A system that’s centrally planned.”

  101. Dr. Goose says:

    A man who’d been recently canned
    Was astonished, nonplussed and unmanned:
    “I’m accustomed to make,
    So how can I take
    And still be a fan of Ayn Rand?”

  102. Dr. Goose says:

    A Keynesian, recently canned,
    Said: “Things are not working as planned.
    We should build a new road
    To carry my load
    In propping up total demand.”

  103. Dr. Goose says:

    Said an Austrian, recently canned:
    “The economy can’t be command.
    My trip to the dole
    Shows the government’s role
    In crowding out private demand.”

  104. Tim James says:

    Wait ‘Til Next Year

    At times that’s the way these things go:
    The ‘Niners fell short. ‘Twas a blow.
    But here’s what I reasoned:
    When their QB’s more seasoned
    The Ravens are gonna eat crow.

  105. Carolyn Henly says:

    The trapeze artist fainted when canned
    ‘Cuz she lied about being Walland–
    Er. Her pal pachyderm
    Saw her taken infirm:
    Blew big breaths: the girl was elephanned.

  106. Carolyn Henly says:

    Super Bowl Special:

    Kaepernick might wonder when
    He could get to the big game again.
    He may be wet yet,
    But I’ll never forget:
    Joe Montana won 55-10.

  107. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A pilot imbibed something canned
    And radioed mission command:
    “Some incompetent boob
    Sent me up her with lube!”
    “No wonder—your mission’s unmanned.”

  108. Diane Groothuis says:

    An elephant had to be canned
    For refusing to go on the stand
    He embarrassed the clown
    Disappointed the town
    And squirted green slime at the band.

  109. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Special Super Bowl-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 100.

    But don’t worry! You can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Tie.