Canned Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And since it’s Super Bowl Sunday, I’m offering you an alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to the Super Bowl, using any first line. Next week I’ll present an extra award — one for the best Super Bowl limerick.
And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge: I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who’d been recently canned…*
or
A gal who’d been recently canned…*
or
A man who’d been served something canned…*
or
A gal who’d been served something canned…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Canned Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A pianist, quite recently canned,
Was promoting his newly-formed band.
But his bucks now are fewer:
He bribed a reviewer
Who wrote for one K, “This band’s grand!”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Band Humor, Bribe, Competition Limerick, Football Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Money Verse, Music Humor & Verse, Pianists, Poetry & Prompts, Promotion Verse, Reviewer Humor, Sports Humor, Super Bowl Sunday, Writing Prompts
A man who’d been served something canned
said “Wait! This is not what I planned!
I’d expected fresh meat
T’would have been such a treat
I insist that this phony be banned!”
A man ate beans recently canned
Was plotting a great one night stand
With a gal he’d just met
Who’d also beans, et
Date ended far sooner than planned
A gal who’d been served something canned
By a date who had kinky sex planned
Left right after dinner
He never got in ‘er
For she’d guessed his taste was too bland
A man who’d been recently canned
just couldn’t perform sex as planned.
His wife thought this curious
but also got furious
so now she is all newly manned.
Two lovers ate beans that were canned
With strong jalapenos. How grand!
All night long they farted
And once they got started
The flames were repeatedly fanned
A double-bassist quite recently canned
Knew his skill was still in demand.
So he played, outdoors, nude,
A well-known etude,
And he’s in the looney-bin band.
A man who’d been recently canned
Woke feeling that he’d been trepanned,
Though with blonde in a bed,
No libido; instead
A certainty he’d been unmanned!
Sardines who’d been recently canned
Complained this was not what they’d planned
Though swimming in shoals
Was part of their roles,
This closeness took things out of hand.
A woman was recently canned
From her job with a sharp reprimand.
She’d used their computer
To redistribute her
Old photos she shouldn’t have scanned.
A freegan ate fruit that was canned
And found that it tasted just grand
Though the Best Before date
Said “You’re two days too late –
By the food bank this should have been banned!”
A woman’s relieved to be canned.
When summer arrives she has planned
To move near some beaches,
Eat fresh (not canned) peaches
And lie on the sand getting tanned.
(Back to my roots)…
If I were a bean I’d be canned
In sauce that’s not spicy but bland
And eaten on toast
On the Lancashire coast
Where the sea often covers the sand
A gal who was recently canned
Her pay she would loudly demand
The boss said you’ll get it
But mine first or forget it
She said fella I’m not grazing land.
A gal who was recently canned
Took a job at a club that was banned
When she stripped to her toes
The customers all froze
From her toes to her nose she was beautifully tanned.
A man who was recently canned
Worked a club the cops had just banned
T’was a stripper you see
Made gals howl with glee
But his tail back to jail the law did remand.
A woman was served something canned
Contained horse meat that once had been banned.
She rose with a shout
Soon cantered about
Joined the fifth at Belmont, won a grand.
A man who was recently canned
From a job he just could not stand
Worked all day in fish muck
Until he would chuck
Finally took a safe job on dry land.
A man who’d been recently canned
Because he looked far too tanned
After some time away
On a sick day
Should have closed the barn door after leaving the sand
Moaned one sad economist, canned
For breaking the law of Demand
and Supply, “I regret
I never will get
To shake the Invisible Hand.”
An astronaut found himself canned
NASA decided to continue unmanned
So he hung up his suit
And conceded his commute
Was restricted to walking on land.
A man who was served something canned
Said, “I hate Lima beans with ham.”
But he stuck in his fork
And pulled out some pork
And thought, “This is better than I planned”.
A gal who was served something canned
Demanded the name of the brand
“If it’s not Wolfgang Puck,
“Then I say, WTF!
“Let’s go eat at that great hot dog stand!”
A gal who’d been recently canned,
saw her removal first hand,
when they took out a mass,
that was in Rupert’s ass.
They thought she was his prostate gland.
A flautist who’d been recently canned,
Felt things hadn’t gone as he’d planned;
So, he boutht him a Glock
With pearl-handled stock,
Went back and killed all in the band.
Said Hizonner to guy who’d been canned,
“Tell me why you killed all in the band?”
“Well judge, let’s just say,
Things did not go my way.
Set me free or you’re dead where you stand.”
“Don’t be rash you young man who’d been canned.
Take this baton, now you lead the band.”
“Thanks a lot Hizonner,
Coulda been a gonner.
I’ll make Sing Sing’s band best in the land.”
So the whacko, the one who’d been canned,
Climbed what he thought the conductor’s stand.
He thought wrong, instead
They put rope round his head,
Pulled trap door, now he leads Satan’s band.
A magistrate was recently canned
as the defense was taking a stand.
In a former slave state
with a high conviction rate
judges shouldn’t take naps that aren’t planned!
for reading, and links to real story see sleeping judge limerick
From Patience;
A gal who’d been recently canned
bought a book that was recently banned
She was told it was sinful
She said “I had a skinful,
All it cost me was seventeen rand”.
and The Prodigal:
A man who was recently canned
met a woman he just couldn’t stand,
her favourite tricks
feeling guys and their wicks
He said “maybe I’ll just shake her hand”.
A man who’d been recently canned
Turned hermit and lived off the land
He wore one dirty shirt
But, what really hurt
From the exec’s wash room he’s banned.
A drummer informed he was canned
Confronted the rest of the band
“It’s not your percussion”
Began the discussion
“Your coke habits got out of hand”
A pirates career was canned
When skirmishing miles from land
Meant all of a sudden
His left leg was wooden
And now had a hook for a hand.
A man who’d been served something canned,
Saw it wasn’t a popular brand.
So he turned up his nose,
Struck a haughty pose,
And from his wife’s bed he was banned.
A gambler was recently canned
And banned from the MGM Grand
He made all his wins
Masquerading as twins
While holding a queen in each hand.
A cyclist was publicly canned
For using some drugs that were banned.
A long-drawn-out story:
He lost all his glory
And most of the gold he had panned.
A Latin prof recently canned
Goes back to his college, though banned.
Here’s what’s the matter,
“Persona non grata”
Is language he can’t understand.
My fav’rite TV show was canned
Which made my horizons expand.
No longer House-bound
I google around
Destinations like far Samarkand.
A programmer lately was canned
For work not delivered when planned.
Her hands, not so nimble
Kept typing the symbol
‘Percent’ when she meant ‘ampersand’.
Some news readers ought to be canned
For failing to quite understand
That stress should be leaning
On words with more meaning
Than short ones like “by”, “for” and “and”.
A young gal was served something canned
A mystery which tasted quite bland
But then after eating
It kept on repeating
From her mouth ? No, from her lower gland!
A man went and bought something canned
And after eating just could’nt stand
For on the John he was sitting
Just shitting and shitting
So thinks that he’ll now change his Brand.
A limericker recently canned
As a stock clerk had one last demand:
She said she would need her
Handheld barcode reader
To ensure that her poetry scanned.
A man who’d been recently canned,
‘Cause his writing’s exceeding bland,
Found his other-world self
On an A&P shelf
Next to Campbell’s and some other brand.
The singer’s performance was canned,
And it didn’t go off quite as planned.
In looking beyond, say
The pundits, “Okay.
“Not just her. Don’t that just beat the band?!”
Once, long ago the oysters were canned…
Dented tins on sale should be banned
Don’t attempt to open a swelled one
That’s outdated, you’ll have no fun –
You’ll clean up an explosive mess, unplanned!
A man who’d been recently canned
Accidentally—it wasn’t planned
Was set free by his wife
With a Swiss Army knife
And felt grand when the can was unmanned
A company doomed to be canned
If its latest new products get panned
Found that RIM didn’t suit
In a market with fruit
Now its name is the same as its brand.
Before this old store clerk gets canned
I am quitting my job! Fabricland
Can survive without me
After Feb 23
If I have to, I’ll live off the land.
Version 2.0 of the one before last:
A company feared getting canned
If its smartphones did not sell as planned.
To paraphrase Tim
They rrrolled up the RIM,
Now their name is the same as their brand.
A man who’d been recently canned
because of his wandering hand,
said, “I know it’s not funny
but I needed the money
and I got the O.K. from Ayn Rand.
A footballer (British) was canned
For touching the ball with his hand.
That would be okay
In the US of A
Where “football”s a whole different brand.
Should soccer officials be canned
For matches whose outcomes were planned?
It would be a shame
If the Beautiful Game
Turned ugly through gambling’s demand.
A gal who’d been served something canned
Thought it was cold, tasteless and bland.
But the cook, her friend Rex,
Always served spicy sex,
And now he was naked and tanned.
A man who’d been recently canned
By his female boss felt unmanned.
“Reverse sexism,” he claimed.
“My penis is maimed!”
Though it wasn’t his boss but his hand.
A man who’d been recently canned
was chagrined as it came earlier than planned
but with no remorse
he saddled up his horse
and hopped back on the carousel again
A man who had recently canned
some humor with a mighty big plan
hoped when he popped the top
his jokes wouldn’t flop
and his dreams drift away like sand
A fairy-tale genie was canned
In an oil-lamp, if I understand?
If he ever got out
He’d say something about
Your wish being, like, his command.
The penny this week has been canned
In this north-of-fortynine land
But hardly a shopper
Needs money of copper
Unless use of plastic is banned.
a man who had recently been canned
burst through the doors to make his demands
with a full automatic
they are legal, dont get spastic
i bet you thought i would say they should be banned
A not-too-bright teacher was canned
For wanting all books to be banned
Which flowed from the pen
Of two feminine ‘men’
To wit, Georges Eliot and Sand.
A bad-boy comedian, canned
From shows that he caused to be panned
Led a troubled young life,
Wed and lost well-known wife,
Now calls himself Russell ReBrand.
My dog was recently canned
He hated the brand new brand
So he barked up a pole
And fell in a hole
Now he thinks he’s in command
Love your work it is nice to read it again. Not so good with this but fun to try.
A guy who was recently canned
lost intelligence bureau command.
For some broad – well, he’d fallen,
when she wrote he was “All In” –
his career didn’t go quite as planned.
A man who was recently canned
from his job as a hog farmer’s hand,
said, “Just ‘cos I sat in
the sty, spoke Pig Latin –
a language that they’d understand.”
Said Charlie, who was recently canned,
“It’s a fate that I do understand,
though my hour is darkest,
I once worked for Star-Kist –
we tuna are much in demand.”
A man was recently canned
For his Limericks, they said should be banned
But it came to pass
That in their own class
His verse was the best in the land.
A little meter tweak:
Says Charlie, who’s recently canned,
“It’s a fate that I do understand,
though my hour is darkest,
I once worked for Star-Kist –
we tuna are much in demand.”
A young girl was recently canned
From learning to dance with a band
She kicked and she stumbled
Fell over and fumbled
No wonder her can – can was banned.
A poet was recently canned
For lim’ricks that rhymed and that scanned
That wasn’t their fault
They just had no gestalt
And besides were exceedingly bland.
He ate “all the fruit that I canned”
Per a freeloading cannery hand,
And he “drinked all the juice”
That he could. Note his use
Of irregular verbs lacks command.
A fellow was recently canned
For screwing the boys in the band.
It wasn’t the screwing
That was his undoing
When he got to the drummer, he fanned.
A fellow was recently canned
For making the losses expand.
Our profits were higher
But your multiplier
Got mixed with your multiplicand.
A fellow was recently canned
For being too high paid a hand.
And as he was fired
A new man was hired
And that’s how a Walmart is manned.
A fellow was recently canned
for doing something he did not plan
he jumped up and down
and ran all around
until he ran into his mother.
A fellow was recently canned
Carousing in old Samarkand.
He had too much sex
With the local Uzbeks
Enjoying the lay of the land.
A fellow was recently canned
For stealing from Farmer Brown’s stand
He snatched up three pears,
Mrs. Brown’s lemon squares
and more fruit and some vegetables and…
A fellow was recently canned
For behavior that was borderland
While trying to get back
To the U.S. (a wetback!)
He got lost in the cold Rio Grande.
A fellow was recently canned
And also by Madeleine banned.
You never will thrive
If you leave out line five
A fellow was recently canned
by the Mafia, or the Black Hand.
The Don gave permish
to make “tuna fish”
So now on the shelf he will land
A librarian, recently canned,
Has a crush on each girl in the land.
Both at work and in love
He has no notion of
When to search with an OR, NOT, or AND.
A fellow was recently canned;
He got himself overall tanned.
Seems that place down below
Has no reason to glow.
There bronzing is not in demand.
That fellow so recently canned
For getting his whole body tanned
Was seizing the chance
To give us a glance
While drawing a line in the sand.
So now it appears Conti’s canned
From this blog so where next will he land?
At a site for haiku
And the short clerihew
Or seek solace in Old Samarkand?
This is my entry for ‘worst limerick’…
(For this one I ought to be canned)
A three-week-old verse comes to hand
The lim rhyme was ‘claim’,
Dragon could not breathe flame.
Could be it was Custard’s last stand.
A fellow was recently canned
For playing with boys in the band
The instruments played
Had the leader dismayed
So much that they had to disband.
A gal who’d been recently canned
Was the lead singer in a chick band
she was mounting her mike
found out what it felt like
Now it’s no longer her one night stand
A man who’d been served something canned
Developed a bad rash on sex gland
tried boosting libido
by stuffing his speedo
Who knew that those oysters still held sand
A fan-dancer recently canned
Was so drunk she hardly could stand
She looked like a fool
For losing her cool
And her fanny was not even fanned.
My Super Bowl epic is done
And one of the teams may have won
With numerals Roman
And Ravens (an omen?)
And a blackout to add to the fun.
A poor fellow recently canned
whose spouse left with their hired hand
wasn’t bothered at all
for he’d won “Power ball”!
(Things couldn’t go better if planned!)
From my job I was recently canned
For reasons I cannot understand
It turns out that the trick
Is don’t write limerick
While for your boss you’re taking shorthand
A man was recently canned
For coming to work super tanned
’cause from head down to his boots
had wore nothing but his birthday suit,
and now he is forever banned.
A guy who was recently canned
was one of those people who’d scanned
the travelers who
might hide in their shoe
a device not high in demand
He frisked wheelchair-bound flyers
looking for stuff with those wires
while every plane
held bags of cocaine
stuffed into the landing gear tires
A dog sniffed out the offense
He bristled and was so incensed
He fed the mutt jello
with #2 yellow
and left it outside of the fence
A man was just recently canned
When his stumbling steps went unplanned
So for his great big ‘oops’
He’s now in Campbell’s soups
From the toes on his feet to his hands
Did the ball game excel V I I?
Did it make you just sit back and sigh?
Or did you get bored
When they scored and they scored?
Was the blackout a memorable high?
My cat cannot bear food that’s canned
Out of season, unseasoned or bland
She won’t have a nibble
Or soupçon of kibble
But gophers are gruesomely grand
A man who’d been served something canned
Got cramps that got way out of hand.
Your guts won’t be roiled
If your food’s never spoiled.
That’s why Twinkies are so in demand.
A serve of sardines which was canned
Had a bar-code which could not be scanned
The dill on the till
Said “I’ve just had my fill
You’d better just try a new brand”
A senior home worker was canned
For thoughtfully lending a hand
To the ladies — their files
He kept in two piles:
“Still stressed” and “sufficiently manned.”
Finally in! And here’s my entry –
Hardly Dreaming and Barely Beaming
Stay safe in the storm, all!
An escort was recently canned
For lit’rally beating the band
She was given the boot
When her Madame found oout
She’d been giving them all a free hand
A woman was recently canned
For teaching that one in the hand
Was worth two in the bush
It’s a theory she’d push
But not one that us boys understand
To paraphrase Donald, “You’re Canned!”
Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand
It’s no TV show lout
That he’s talking about
But his face in the mirror all tanned
A gal who’d been recently canned
Was asked “Sarah, what next have you planned?”
First she hummed, then she hawed
Then inspired by god
She said “Share More Broadly the Message of the Beauty of Freedom and the Imperative of Defending Our Republic and Restoring This Most Exceptional Nation”
A man who’d been recently canned
For visiting sites that were banned
Found it hard to let go
For a minute or so
He’d it all in the palm of his hand
A woman was recently canned
For indecently using a hand
To first hide then reveal
Then refuse to conceal
The two bits that she hadn’t quite tanned
The super bowl’s finally here
Seems the hype has been building all year
And while some think the game
Is exceedingly lame
We’ll use any excuse to drink beer
QBs throw the bombs, LBs blitz
The coach barks his orders and spits
While boys from the benches
Make war in the trenches
And fans drink Budweiser and Schlitz
A man who’s been recently canned
Met his fate in a manner quite bland:
“The reasoning why
Is the growth of supply
Exceeded the growth of demand.”
A man who’d been recently canned,
As economists all understand,
Would increase the score
Of U2, -3 & -4;
Which others, I can’t say offhand.
A man who’d been recently canned
Said: “The market has got out of hand.
I’m a go-get-’em guy,
But I’m ready to try
A system that’s centrally planned.”
A man who’d been recently canned
Was astonished, nonplussed and unmanned:
“I’m accustomed to make,
So how can I take
And still be a fan of Ayn Rand?”
A Keynesian, recently canned,
Said: “Things are not working as planned.
We should build a new road
To carry my load
In propping up total demand.”
Said an Austrian, recently canned:
“The economy can’t be command.
My trip to the dole
Shows the government’s role
In crowding out private demand.”
Wait ‘Til Next Year
At times that’s the way these things go:
The ‘Niners fell short. ‘Twas a blow.
But here’s what I reasoned:
When their QB’s more seasoned
The Ravens are gonna eat crow.
The trapeze artist fainted when canned
‘Cuz she lied about being Walland–
Er. Her pal pachyderm
Saw her taken infirm:
Blew big breaths: the girl was elephanned.
Super Bowl Special:
Kaepernick might wonder when
He could get to the big game again.
He may be wet yet,
But I’ll never forget:
Joe Montana won 55-10.
A pilot imbibed something canned
And radioed mission command:
“Some incompetent boob
Sent me up her with lube!”
“No wonder—your mission’s unmanned.”
An elephant had to be canned
For refusing to go on the stand
He embarrassed the clown
Disappointed the town
And squirted green slime at the band.
Thanks so much everyone for your fun limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Special Super Bowl-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 100.
But don’t worry! You can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Tie.