A Limerick Spread (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman was planning a spread…*

or

A fellow was planning a spread…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

A Limerick Spread
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was planning a spread,
Meant to help push her husband ahead.
It would boost his connections.
(So said her projections.)
But it led him astray into bed.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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60 Responses to “A Limerick Spread (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Rich D says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    a wrapper to adorn her bed
    No patterns with splotches
    The markings were notches
    A scoreboard to show who’s ahead!

  2. Uhave2laff says:

    A woman was having a spread
    To celebrate her new homestead
    A neighbor came naked
    A dog drank beer unabated
    And the minister got high with the pothead.

  3. Jim says:

    Great limerick, M.Kane!!! I’ll return with mine later.

  4. A fellow was planning a spread
    To be eaten off a lady in bed.
    Then, after the cuisine,
    He’d lick the plate clean
    And did a fine job, it is said.

  5. Rich D says:

    A Deadhead was planning a spread,
    while digging on Tennessee Jed.
    Some flavors of chips,
    he knew from past trips,
    were Friends of the Devil instead!

  6. Rich D says:

    The songbird was planning to spread
    his wings as he flew on ahead
    He sang out with ease
    as he shot the breeze
    and sang his songbook, a to zed

  7. Meredith McMinn says:

    I haven’t entered a limerick in a long time. Kind of got carried away!

    A woman was planning a spread
    With delectables on homemade bread.
    She failed every try
    At an edible rye,
    So decided to drink some instead.

    A man who was planning a spread
    Had but one simple thought in his head:
    “First I’ll wine her and dine her,
    and then I’ll recline her.
    Tomorrow it’s breakfast in bed.”

    A woman was planning a spread
    To be served on the day she was wed.
    When the groom saw the cost
    The bride’s hopes were lost;
    For he gasped and then keeled over, dead.

    A woman was planning a spread
    For a newspaper column, it’s said,
    That no one would read,
    For she’d gladly concede
    That she’d rather be dead than be read.

    A woman was planning a spread
    For a man who despised her, she said.
    She chortled with glee
    As she poisoned his tea
    He could not say he wasn’t well fed.

    A woman was planning a spread
    For a man who’d betrayed her in bed.
    To the feast he would come
    And devour each crumb
    Of the artisan arsenic bread. *

    * arsenic should be given all 3 syllables in reading aloud. :-)

  8. brian miller says:

    a fellow was planning a spread
    on the night his lady he’d wed
    but she got a fright
    seeing his night light
    and under the stars she fled.

  9. John Sardo says:

    A fellow was planning a spread
    For a lady he just took to bed
    But the stove’s out of order
    And he couldn’t boil water
    So he took her for burgers instead.
    .
    A woman was planning a spread
    For a dinner her husband would dread
    The games are now over
    So please take out Rover
    Or you’ll sup what he leaves on the bed.

  10. Patrick McKeon says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    For the sake of her late husband Fred
    But she did not bemoan
    When left eating alone
    Since you cannot depend on the dead

  11. Craig says:

    I didn’t see it on Facebook, Meredith, so let me “like” your “better dead than read” lim here.

  12. Craig says:

    Daisy Mae had jes’ laid back and spread
    Heaven’s gates fer me up on her bed.
    When a man with a gun
    Put an end to our fun
    “And that there’s how yer maw and me wed.”

  13. Mark Kane says:

    A woman was planning to spread
    her thighs to keep herself fed.
    Following her plan,
    She’d find a rich man,
    Then made sure they quickly were wed.

  14. Rosanna says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    with buttons, fabric and thread.
    She wasn’t sure what she was going to do,
    yet she went ahead without much ado.
    Cuz’ she had to earn some bread.

  15. Pat Hatt says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    Meant to knock her poor husband dead.
    She said with a wink,
    I hope you don’t stink,
    This was easier than loping off your head.

  16. Kathleen Cole says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    In anticipation of an offer to wed
    By dinner her lover
    Was kissin’ another
    Food’s great, but, ass over bread

  17. Bruce Niedt says:

    A young bride was planning to spread,
    when her groom said, “Let’s try this instead.”
    So they switched their positions
    and with no inhibitions
    Their wedding night came to a head.

  18. Bruce Niedt says:

    Oops, sorry for the double post – I thought I was putting it on the Facebook page.

    Note from Mad Kane: No problem. I deleted one of them.

  19. Craig says:

    And now, some blatant pandering:

    The news of her blog starts to spread
    As more people enjoy what they’ve read
    So move over Slim Shady
    ‘Cause here comes Lim Lady
    (But don’t let it go to her head.)

  20. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    When a shepherd boy laid out a spread
    For his lover, she turned tail and fled.
    “What was it, my pet,
    That spoiled our duet?
    The haggis? Or something I said?”

  21. colonialist says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    At which all her club would be fed;
    Her rat-poison pie
    Is possibly why
    The lot of them now cut her dead.

    A woman was planning a spread,
    Which filled all the ladies with dread,
    Her catering skill
    Made everyone ill,
    And they knew they’d wind up in bed.

  22. A poet was planning a spread
    That “Shone round him o’er the dead.”
    So what is this dreck
    With the big burning deck?
    “Casabianca” – where’s your poetry cred??

  23. Bruce Niedt says:

    A few more:

    A fellow was betting the spread
    on his home team – at half-time they led.
    But a last- minute fumble
    made that football fan humble,
    and put him real deep in the red.

    A fellow was hunting his spread
    when some black liquid came to a head.
    So that little oil spill
    made him quite a few mil;
    now in Beverly Hills lives ol’ Jed.

    A fellow was planning to spread
    his facts on a date-matching thread.
    But he failed to make ref’rence
    to his sexual pref’rence -
    his replies were from Ned, Ted and Fred.

  24. John Larkin says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    but she couldn’t avoid feeling dread.
    “It’s too likely I’ll fail.
    I think I should bail.
    I’m not getting out of my bed.”

  25. Bruce Niedt says:

    And yet another! (I think it’s funny, Mad, how some of your prompts don’t get much of a rise out of me, and some just get me on a roll, and I can never predict which it will be till I start to write.)

    An editor, planning a spread
    on Romney’s campaign pledges said,
    “I’ll need a new headline
    before the next deadline,
    on the right turns he’s taken instead.”

  26. Johanna Richmond says:

    While a woman was staging a spread
    Eagle pose for her lover in bed,
    She’d a premature shock –
    Mental note: next time lock
    The darn door if the dog isn’t fed.

  27. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A fellow preparing a spread
    For the boss called it “getting ahead.”
    And he did: All his flattery
    Got the boss feeling plattery,
    And he handed the fellow his head.

  28. Jesse Levy says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    for her uncle most recently dead
    But like Sweeney Todd
    the whole thing was odd
    So to guests the late uncle was fed.

  29. A woman was planning a spread
    And I don’t mean one for her bed
    A feast most luxurious
    With flavors not spurious
    But picked from her garden instead.

  30. Jim says:

    Pretty Boy II

    A fellow was planning a spread
    enticing all–failing was his dread
    mixture of bitter and sweet
    everything must be a treat
    if he just could find the right bread

  31. colonialist says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    But on the ingredients fed,
    She snacked so much that
    She got really fat -
    Thus she did the spreading, instead!

  32. Green Speck says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    On the property of her husband now dead,
    And then it was revealed,
    Her husband she had killed,
    The greed and lure sent her to jail instead

  33. Fred says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    much too soon before retiring abed
    playing images in her dreams
    so many ways, so it seemed
    To possibly possibly present so many loaves of bread

  34. Carolyn Henly says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    but she wasn’t quite right in the head.
    The theme of her gig
    Was “A Night in the Brig”;
    She served nothing but water and bread.

  35. kaykuala says:

    A fellow was planning a spread
    For a lady who had got him mad
    He tried for some stuff
    It only made her laugh
    Just how easily he had been had

    Hank

  36. Edmund Conti says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    To be placed on the top of her bed.
    What more can I say?
    There were sheets, a duvet.
    And no dirty last line. (Signed: Ed)

  37. Edmund Conti says:

    A woman was planning a spread–
    A spreadsheet I should say instead.
    She laid out here data
    But what does that matter?
    She should have got laid on the bed.

  38. Tim James says:

    A fellow was planning a spread;
    “A barbecue’s coming!” he said.
    But a shortage of beef
    Gave him all kinds of grief.
    Now no one can find Mr. Ed.

  39. Errol Nimbly says:

    As a kid I was fed sandwich spread;
    My mom smeared it for lunch on white bread.
    Relish green with a glaze
    In off-white mayonnaise
    Made it look just like vomit I said.

  40. Granny Smith says:

    A woman concocted a spread
    Much better than butter on bread.
    At least, so she thought.
    But those who had bought
    Had greased auto axles instead.

  41. Kristan Johnson says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    for her hillbilly friend, name o’ Jed
    The main dish (she just knew),
    Had to be possum stew,
    With a big loaf of punkinhead bread.

  42. Claudia says:

    smiles…love your limericks…too tired at the moment to write one myself so i even more enjoyed reading yours..smiles

  43. A woman is planning a spread
    But not with peach jam and bread
    Just Chanel and a candle
    (And perchance a small scandal)
    Will waft from her silk-sheeted bed

  44. Rallentanda says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    with her boyfriend for a luncheon in bed
    A waiter came by and toyed with her thigh
    Fred said I should join you instead

    She said” Get your hands off me at once”
    or this will end badly with a punch
    You can tell Fred from me
    he is out of his tree
    I’d rather have lunch with a skunk

  45. Hehehehe–so many possibilities!

  46. Daniel Ari says:

    I, Daniel, am planning a spread
    Of humus, falafel and bread;
    And since my own pate
    Is smooth as a plate,
    I’ll serve it on top of my head.

    Image here

  47. Mike Dailey says:

    The rumors are starting to spread
    And the voices inside of my head
    Said go get your gun
    This is going to be fun
    I fear somebody’s soon to be dead

    Better late than never

  48. Mike Dailey says:

    a woman was starting to spread
    a rumor that I in her bed
    could not keep it straight
    that I can’t debate
    I guess I just lost my sheet cred

    Excuse? No, if I may be so bold
    This woman was old
    At first sight I thought “ick”
    And I shrivled up quick
    And that’s how my story is told

  49. Johanna Richmond says:

    A woman, caressing her spread,
    To the squirt at the Sealy store said,
    “Queen indeed, but I fear
    You can’t satisfy, dear:
    Extra firm’s what I like in my bed.” 

  50. Paul Ryan was planning a spread,
    Tea party with Mitt to break bread.
    On body and blood,
    No lower class crud,
    They may dine upon cake instead.

  51. Rinkly Rimes says:

    A fellow was planning a spread
    For the birthday of his Uncle Ned.
    But his cooking was grim;
    It not only killed him,
    But ALL of the guests fell down dead!

  52. Patti says:

    A woman was planning a spread,
    but was bored with using the bed.
    “Instead of me on my back,”
    she said, “I’ll try a new tack.”
    and attempted to stand on her head.

    Well, it was clever, I really must say,
    EMTs thought so too, so they say.
    But when they answered the call
    after her man took a fall,
    they suggested she find a new way.

  53. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    To substitute butter on bread.
    “As a world-famous chemist,”
    She boasted, “my premise
    Is: this will put hair on your head.”

  54. Dr. Goose says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    “For the birthday,” she said, “of my Fred.
    He’s a sorry schlemiel
    Without much appeal,
    But surprisingly useful in bed.”

  55. Dr. Goose says:

    Count Dracula put on a spread
    For his friends from among the undead,
    While snubbing Van Helsing,
    Who said: “It’s a swell thing!
    For this group, I’m much too ill-bled.”

  56. Dr. Goose says:

    A stock trader put on a spread
    With calls that were deep in the red.
    When the Fed acted funny,
    They went in the money,
    And exercised nicely instead.

  57. E. Jerome Koran says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    To be enjoyed with homemade bread
    Plants and herbs from gardens and glades
    Mushrooms too, with concentrated nightshade
    and all who ate it are dead…

  58. madkane says:

    Thanks very much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 79.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Trying Your Hand At Limericks.

  59. Lynn says:

    A woman was planning a spread
    Fresh butter she’d churned for her bread;
    But it fell to the floor
    As she walked through the door;
    “Well, if that don’t beat all!” she said.