A Limerick Spread (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was planning a spread…*
or
A fellow was planning a spread…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
A Limerick Spread
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was planning a spread,
Meant to help push her husband ahead.
It would boost his connections.
(So said her projections.)
But it led him astray into bed.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Ambition Verse, Business Humor, Career Humor, Dining Humor, Husband Wife Limerick, Infidelity Humor, Limerick Contest, Marriage Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Sex Humor, Writing Prompts
A woman was planning a spread
a wrapper to adorn her bed
No patterns with splotches
The markings were notches
A scoreboard to show who’s ahead!
A woman was having a spread
To celebrate her new homestead
A neighbor came naked
A dog drank beer unabated
And the minister got high with the pothead.
Great limerick, M.Kane!!! I’ll return with mine later.
A fellow was planning a spread
To be eaten off a lady in bed.
Then, after the cuisine,
He’d lick the plate clean
And did a fine job, it is said.
A Deadhead was planning a spread,
while digging on Tennessee Jed.
Some flavors of chips,
he knew from past trips,
were Friends of the Devil instead!
The songbird was planning to spread
his wings as he flew on ahead
He sang out with ease
as he shot the breeze
and sang his songbook, a to zed
I haven’t entered a limerick in a long time. Kind of got carried away!
A woman was planning a spread
With delectables on homemade bread.
She failed every try
At an edible rye,
So decided to drink some instead.
A man who was planning a spread
Had but one simple thought in his head:
“First I’ll wine her and dine her,
and then I’ll recline her.
Tomorrow it’s breakfast in bed.”
A woman was planning a spread
To be served on the day she was wed.
When the groom saw the cost
The bride’s hopes were lost;
For he gasped and then keeled over, dead.
A woman was planning a spread
For a newspaper column, it’s said,
That no one would read,
For she’d gladly concede
That she’d rather be dead than be read.
A woman was planning a spread
For a man who despised her, she said.
She chortled with glee
As she poisoned his tea
He could not say he wasn’t well fed.
A woman was planning a spread
For a man who’d betrayed her in bed.
To the feast he would come
And devour each crumb
Of the artisan arsenic bread. *
* arsenic should be given all 3 syllables in reading aloud. :-)
a fellow was planning a spread
on the night his lady he’d wed
but she got a fright
seeing his night light
and under the stars she fled.
A fellow was planning a spread
For a lady he just took to bed
But the stove’s out of order
And he couldn’t boil water
So he took her for burgers instead.
.
A woman was planning a spread
For a dinner her husband would dread
The games are now over
So please take out Rover
Or you’ll sup what he leaves on the bed.
A woman was planning a spread
For the sake of her late husband Fred
But she did not bemoan
When left eating alone
Since you cannot depend on the dead
I didn’t see it on Facebook, Meredith, so let me “like” your “better dead than read” lim here.
Daisy Mae had jes’ laid back and spread
Heaven’s gates fer me up on her bed.
When a man with a gun
Put an end to our fun
“And that there’s how yer maw and me wed.”
A woman was planning to spread
her thighs to keep herself fed.
Following her plan,
She’d find a rich man,
Then made sure they quickly were wed.
A woman was planning a spread
with buttons, fabric and thread.
She wasn’t sure what she was going to do,
yet she went ahead without much ado.
Cuz’ she had to earn some bread.
A woman was planning a spread,
Meant to knock her poor husband dead.
She said with a wink,
I hope you don’t stink,
This was easier than loping off your head.
A woman was planning a spread,
In anticipation of an offer to wed
By dinner her lover
Was kissin’ another
Food’s great, but, ass over bread
A young bride was planning to spread,
when her groom said, “Let’s try this instead.”
So they switched their positions
and with no inhibitions
Their wedding night came to a head.
Oops, sorry for the double post – I thought I was putting it on the Facebook page.
Note from Mad Kane: No problem. I deleted one of them.
And now, some blatant pandering:
The news of her blog starts to spread
As more people enjoy what they’ve read
So move over Slim Shady
‘Cause here comes Lim Lady
(But don’t let it go to her head.)
When a shepherd boy laid out a spread
For his lover, she turned tail and fled.
“What was it, my pet,
That spoiled our duet?
The haggis? Or something I said?”
A woman was planning a spread
At which all her club would be fed;
Her rat-poison pie
Is possibly why
The lot of them now cut her dead.
A woman was planning a spread,
Which filled all the ladies with dread,
Her catering skill
Made everyone ill,
And they knew they’d wind up in bed.
A poet was planning a spread
That “Shone round him o’er the dead.”
So what is this dreck
With the big burning deck?
“Casabianca” – where’s your poetry cred??
A few more:
A fellow was betting the spread
on his home team – at half-time they led.
But a last- minute fumble
made that football fan humble,
and put him real deep in the red.
A fellow was hunting his spread
when some black liquid came to a head.
So that little oil spill
made him quite a few mil;
now in Beverly Hills lives ol’ Jed.
A fellow was planning to spread
his facts on a date-matching thread.
But he failed to make ref’rence
to his sexual pref’rence –
his replies were from Ned, Ted and Fred.
A woman was planning a spread,
but she couldn’t avoid feeling dread.
“It’s too likely I’ll fail.
I think I should bail.
I’m not getting out of my bed.”
And yet another! (I think it’s funny, Mad, how some of your prompts don’t get much of a rise out of me, and some just get me on a roll, and I can never predict which it will be till I start to write.)
An editor, planning a spread
on Romney’s campaign pledges said,
“I’ll need a new headline
before the next deadline,
on the right turns he’s taken instead.”
While a woman was staging a spread
Eagle pose for her lover in bed,
She’d a premature shock —
Mental note: next time lock
The darn door if the dog isn’t fed.
A fellow preparing a spread
For the boss called it “getting ahead.”
And he did: All his flattery
Got the boss feeling plattery,
And he handed the fellow his head.
A woman was planning a spread
for her uncle most recently dead
But like Sweeney Todd
the whole thing was odd
So to guests the late uncle was fed.
A woman was planning a spread
And I don’t mean one for her bed
A feast most luxurious
With flavors not spurious
But picked from her garden instead.
Pretty Boy II
A fellow was planning a spread
enticing all–failing was his dread
mixture of bitter and sweet
everything must be a treat
if he just could find the right bread
A woman was planning a spread,
But on the ingredients fed,
She snacked so much that
She got really fat –
Thus she did the spreading, instead!
A woman was planning a spread,
On the property of her husband now dead,
And then it was revealed,
Her husband she had killed,
The greed and lure sent her to jail instead
A woman was planning a spread
much too soon before retiring abed
playing images in her dreams
so many ways, so it seemed
To possibly possibly present so many loaves of bread
:) Lazy man!
A woman was planning a spread,
but she wasn’t quite right in the head.
The theme of her gig
Was “A Night in the Brig”;
She served nothing but water and bread.
A fellow was planning a spread
For a lady who had got him mad
He tried for some stuff
It only made her laugh
Just how easily he had been had
Hank
A woman was planning a spread
To be placed on the top of her bed.
What more can I say?
There were sheets, a duvet.
And no dirty last line. (Signed: Ed)
A woman was planning a spread–
A spreadsheet I should say instead.
She laid out here data
But what does that matter?
She should have got laid on the bed.
A fellow was planning a spread;
“A barbecue’s coming!” he said.
But a shortage of beef
Gave him all kinds of grief.
Now no one can find Mr. Ed.
As a kid I was fed sandwich spread;
My mom smeared it for lunch on white bread.
Relish green with a glaze
In off-white mayonnaise
Made it look just like vomit I said.
A woman concocted a spread
Much better than butter on bread.
At least, so she thought.
But those who had bought
Had greased auto axles instead.
A woman was planning a spread,
for her hillbilly friend, name o’ Jed
The main dish (she just knew),
Had to be possum stew,
With a big loaf of punkinhead bread.
smiles…love your limericks…too tired at the moment to write one myself so i even more enjoyed reading yours..smiles
A woman is planning a spread
But not with peach jam and bread
Just Chanel and a candle
(And perchance a small scandal)
Will waft from her silk-sheeted bed
A woman was planning a spread
with her boyfriend for a luncheon in bed
A waiter came by and toyed with her thigh
Fred said I should join you instead
She said” Get your hands off me at once”
or this will end badly with a punch
You can tell Fred from me
he is out of his tree
I’d rather have lunch with a skunk
Hehehehe–so many possibilities!
I, Daniel, am planning a spread
Of humus, falafel and bread;
And since my own pate
Is smooth as a plate,
I’ll serve it on top of my head.
Image here
The rumors are starting to spread
And the voices inside of my head
Said go get your gun
This is going to be fun
I fear somebody’s soon to be dead
Better late than never
a woman was starting to spread
a rumor that I in her bed
could not keep it straight
that I can’t debate
I guess I just lost my sheet cred
Excuse? No, if I may be so bold
This woman was old
At first sight I thought “ick”
And I shrivled up quick
And that’s how my story is told
A woman, caressing her spread,
To the squirt at the Sealy store said,
“Queen indeed, but I fear
You can’t satisfy, dear:
Extra firm’s what I like in my bed.”
Paul Ryan was planning a spread,
Tea party with Mitt to break bread.
On body and blood,
No lower class crud,
They may dine upon cake instead.
A fellow was planning a spread
For the birthday of his Uncle Ned.
But his cooking was grim;
It not only killed him,
But ALL of the guests fell down dead!
A woman was planning a spread,
but was bored with using the bed.
“Instead of me on my back,”
she said, “I’ll try a new tack.”
and attempted to stand on her head.
Well, it was clever, I really must say,
EMTs thought so too, so they say.
But when they answered the call
after her man took a fall,
they suggested she find a new way.
A woman was planning a spread
To substitute butter on bread.
“As a world-famous chemist,”
She boasted, “my premise
Is: this will put hair on your head.”
A woman was planning a spread
“For the birthday,” she said, “of my Fred.
He’s a sorry schlemiel
Without much appeal,
But surprisingly useful in bed.”
Count Dracula put on a spread
For his friends from among the undead,
While snubbing Van Helsing,
Who said: “It’s a swell thing!
For this group, I’m much too ill-bled.”
A stock trader put on a spread
With calls that were deep in the red.
When the Fed acted funny,
They went in the money,
And exercised nicely instead.
A woman was planning a spread
To be enjoyed with homemade bread
Plants and herbs from gardens and glades
Mushrooms too, with concentrated nightshade
and all who ate it are dead…
Thanks very much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners! Limerick of the Week 79.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Trying Your Hand At Limericks.
A woman was planning a spread
Fresh butter she’d churned for her bread;
But it fell to the floor
As she walked through the door;
“Well, if that don’t beat all!” she said.