Nutty Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A man who was rather a nut…*
or
A gal who was rather a nut…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Nutty Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who was rather a nut
Held a broad definition of smut:
With standards unbending,
He’d freak when attending
A film, often shouting out “Cut!”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Behavior Humor, Competition Limerick, Film Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Mental Health Humor, Movie & Play Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Porn Humor, Smut Humor, Writing Prompts
A gal who was rather a nut
Would eat like a monstrous glut
She removed all her rings
Now’s the fat lady who sings
At La Scalla and shows off her strut.
A man who was rather a nut
Lost his head when he missed a short putt
He grabbed a nine iron
And I swear I’m not lyin’
He whacked the fat lady square in the butt.
Steve Martin was rather a nut.
In my mind I can still see him strut.
As he danced by the Nile,
The gals loved his style.
We lined up to see him, King Tut.
A man who was rather a nut
Styled himself rich and smart
Could see through him
His silly antics wore thin
Valiantly pretended he was no dud
…
Hank
A man who was rather a nut
Often found himself in a rut
As much as he tried
His actions belied
And came around and kicked him in the ass
A guy who was known as a nut
Was always on a high-fat food glut.
As wide as he was tall,
No indentation at all;
But in his Sumo-ish way, did he strut!
A gal many thought was a nut
Spent every day in her small hut.
She rarely went anywhere,
Not even out for fresh air.
To expressed concerns she’d simply, “Tut-tut.”
As she danced she did feel, “What a Nut”?
But with grinding it did start to jut,
Growing hard from attention.
Did I happen to mention?
She’s a talented lapdancing slut.
A man who was rather a nut
Wanted only to marry a slut.
“Of all the women I know
They’re the ones who make me grow.
Why would I want a wife in a rut?”
A man who had only one nut
Was by no means set in a rut
He had several wives
Tons a kids buzzed his ‘hives’
Runnin’ after ‘em kept firm his butt!
a man who was rather a nut
couldn’t sit still on his butt
he was roaming around
until he found
a space ship that brought him to sat..(urn) ha
My girlfriend is kind of a nut
And when drinking, becomes quite the slut.
She will do me outdoors,
Or do four-on-the-floors,
I can do almost anything butt.
A man who was rather a nut
Tried to sniff his own butt
He found it trendy
But wasn’t very bendy
So he settled for the mutt
A gal who was rather a nut,
could pull me right out of that rut,
I fall in sometimes,
yes, Madeleine’s rhymes,
sure give me a kick in the butt.
A guy who was rather a nut,
referred to the girl as a slut.
A like thinking man,
said rape is God’s plan.
Next Tuesday we all can rebut.
A gal who was rather a nut
Met a guy known as a mutt
The First Kiss?
Absolute bliss!
Wishful ho meets inner slut!
A gal who was rather a nut
Was obsessed by the size of her butt
She said, “You’ll go blind
“If you touch my behind!
“Have you got a death wish, or what?”
A man who was rather a nut,
Cried aloud with a minor cut,
The Doctor came,
Found the injury lame.
Disgusted, he roared, “Keep your mouth shut.”
All you riddlers, now here’s a tough nut:
The average is one of them, but
The average is two
And none of them, too.
If you crack it, well, I don’t know what.
A gal, who was rather a nut
For Tarzan, liked his fondness for butt.
Until she said, “Maybe
We might have a baby?”
“Ummm, Jane, you’re an ignorant slut!”
Mad Kane is a bit of a nut:
She has said when her power gets cut
(‘Cause the storm is too vi’lent)
‘Twill make her fall silent –
I expect she’ll be anything but!
A man who was rather a nut
applied for a spokesman job, but
with a monocle, spats,
and the best of top hats,
Mr. Peanut would sure make the cut.
A golfer who’s rather a nut
Thinks he CAN make the PGA cut.
He believes he’s Jack Nicklaus,
but that’s just ridic’lous,
‘cos all he can play is “putt-putt”!
A surgeon considered a nut
Took a scalpel and started to cut.
The patient, a bass:
“Get me out of this place!
Does the doc prefer tenors, or what?”
A fellow with only one nut
Made movies (plain wrapped and uncut).
The reason he succeeded
While spherically impeded
Was he had the most beautiful butt.
a man who was rather a nut
one day, took one in the gut
some say, he deserved
what he got served
plenty wished they had kicked his butt
A fellow was really a nut:
His English rules brooked no rebut.
“Prepositions can’t end
Any sentence, my friend!”
It’s my view that up he should shut.
A fellow was really a nut
Each time that he heard the word “what”
With his hands in the air
He’d loudly declare
With a shrug of his shoulders “what – what”
In homage to Tim James:
A golfer was truly a nut:
His shot from the green wildly cut.
Up a tree went the putter;
These words he did mutter:
“Up with that thing I surely can’t putt!”
A man who was rather a nut
Was caught pecan at Hazel’s butt;
“Cashew doing that more,
Chest you know wall the score –
Dis-almond, your pea-pea we’ll cut!”
Trapped again! What a wicked website you weave, Mad Kane! I had planned to avoid losing anymore brain cells trying to write a limerick. But once I got the image of paisley berries* (which has absolutely nothing to do with your limerick challenge), I couldn’t help myself.
A gal who rather a nut
Was caught in a terrible rut
She saw elves and fairies
Consume paisley berries
But only when her eyes were shut.
* This sort of follows from Father Tim who makes the sun rise each day in “Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him.” Everyone gathers to see what color it will be. Father Tim says, “Paisley… Again!”
A man who was rather a nut,
Was worried so much ’bout his gut,
He learned to do zumba,
Met a gal and did rumba,
Then, his wife kicked his butt with the slut
A guy who was rather a nut,
In ladies’ attire would strut,
It would his wife irk,
She deflowered the jerk,
Oft said to be unkindest cut.
A guy who was rather a nut
had a slyly bi-curious mutt
he’d sniff at a cunt
then move from the front
and nozzle the nearest man’s butt.
MadKane, if this is a winner, don’t publish my webpage.
A guy who was rather a nut
let his jeans ride far under his butt.
He would answer each glance
at his red underpants
with “What are you lookin’ at? What?”
A bloke who was rather a nutter
purchased twelve whopping jars of nut butter.
He answer odd stares
with superior airs
saying, “Get your mind out of my gutter.”
A guy who was rather a nutter
couldn’t speak without many a splutter.
Insulted or goaded,
he always exploded:
“D- d- d- did I st- stutter?
A man who was rather a nut,
Tried to marry a dead halibut.
When asked “Is she koi?”
He replied “Oy-oy-oy!
And a bit hard of herring. So what?
A man who was rather a nut
would always have a big glut
of pretty young girls
in pigtails and curls
I guess you could say he’s a slut.
A man who was rather a nut
Used to bounce everywhere on his butt
(An inflated derrière
Filled with helium not air)
And flew when gas escaped from his gut
A gal who was rather a nut
liked a jaw that would stick out or jut
She saw lots of men, oh,
then married Jay Leno
and now at night they abut.
FROM PATIENCE;
A gal who was rather a nut
kept an acorn concealed up her butt,
Red squirrll did explore
to augment his own store,
From now on she’ll keep her butt shut.
and THE PRODIGAL:
A guy who was rather a nut
Got a dose from a slut in a hut,
John Thomas and Willie
Flared up like a chilli,
His once open prospects; now shut!
A Santa who was rather a nut
Consumed oodles of ashes and soot,
His beard was jet black
And so was his sack,
Imagine the state of his gut!
(Almost seasonal afterthought, Maddie.) cheers.
A gal who was rather a nut
Gave Mad Maddie a false uppercut,
The story gets sadder,
She found out who was madder,
Now she’s wearing a sling round her butt!
A gal who was rather a nut,
Gave her meter permission to strut,
But lost count of the times
She admonished her rhymes
To stop begging to couple with slut.
I’m changing the last line of my last one. It helps the meter.
A gal who was rather a nut
liked a jaw that would stick out or jut
She saw lots of men, oh,
then married Jay Leno
and now every night they abut.
A gal who was rather a nut
Stole clothes in which she liked to strut.
To cops she’s now sobbing,
“I knew I was robbing
But stores that I like were all shut!”
a man who was rather a nut
grew and enormous gut
dunlapped his belt
o’er his lap it spilt
into a frontsided butt
A man who was rather a nut,
Thought all rape victims are sluts;
And their babies, God’s will –
He didn’t like ‘the pill’,
Till his daughter came home in a rut.
Al Gore, who’s that climate change nut,
Says snow caps are melting. Say What?
But with each storm more dire,
And waves cresting higher,
Still Romney attempts to rebut.
Always fun to stop here on the journey, Mad. Thanks for the comic relief.
A man who loves nuts
keeping thinking of electricity in whyatts,
he bumps into a wall
and still carries a smile at all,
then, he begins to crack some roasted peanuts.
A man who was rather a nut
Tried to,open a door that was shut.
He bashed and he butted
Until he was gutted
And his fists were all battered and cut.
A gal who was rather a nut
Had poodles whose hair she would cut.
“When the vodkas fly by
And I’ve hangovers, I
Eat ‘hair of the dog’ to rebut.”
Chaucer’s Absolon, lusty ol’ nut…
Could the poor man have worse luck or what?
On a dark moonless night
(Well, moonless not quite!)
He became the first joke of a butt.
A GAL WHO WAS RATHER A NUT
WORE DRESSES EXTREMELY LOW CUT
SHE HAD A GREAT FANNY
BUT, HER VIRTUES WERE MANY
AND THE BOYS CRIED “WISH SHE WERE A SLUT”
A man who was rather a nut
lived by the sea in a hut.
He ate seaweed and fish
stirred with clams in a dish
and he smelled like a wet stinky mutt.
A man who is rather a nut
Thinks he’s a gray squirrel – but
While he lives in a tree
It’s easy to see
His hairy but tailless butt.
An old poof who was rather a nut
And lived in a mud and straw hut
Wore a flower on each ear
And “PLEASE ENTER HERE”
Tattooed in red on his butt.
Whilst complaining–a Scrotum’s left nut
Sick of hanging beneath a fat gut
Said, “What’s also a bind,
is that stink from behind
which comes from that great smelly butt”.
A gal who was rather a nut
Wrote Limericks choc full of smut
Not one bit ashamed
So you could’nt be blamed
For thinking she maybe a slut.
A guy who was rather a nut
Said one day to a slut
We can both watch the “Telly”
If you lay on your belly
And let me get into your butt.
An old harlot rather a nut
Was really a kinky old slut
Her favourite meal break
Was a fat trouser snake
Which she called her “Penis-Englut”
A man who is rather a nut
Went and swallowed a pint of rotgut
This stomach intrusion
Created a fusion
Causing flames to exit his butt.
A hooker who’s rather a nut
Was giving some head like a slut
“Tastes like rice”, she did cry
Then came the reply
“Well it’s been up a Chinaman’s butt”.
A nympho who’s rather a nut
Has an itch in the slit next her butt
Each day a new mount
Until now we’ve lost count
Of the guys who’ve been riding the slut.
An Aussie whose rather a nut
Found a red ring on his gut
Scared of disease he prayed on his knees
But God said, “That’s lipstick you mutt”.
A well endowed lad a real nut
Grew on his prick a walnut
The fruit it did bear
Got lost in the hair
That surrounded his balls and his butt.
One day feeling glum an old nut
Used advice that he got from a slut
Who had said, “Now don’t linger,
insert your long finger,
all the way into your butt”.
When young Fitz really was nuts
And obsessed with what hung from his guts
But now sad to say
Old age had it’s way
And all that he’s got is numb nuts
A man who was rather a nut
From a televised campaign ad glut,
When a cyclone was able
To cut off his cable,
Recovered his senses, somewhat.
A man was a little bit nutty
For a woman a little bit slutty,
And it always would vex him
That, ‘fore she would sex him,
She wanted to phone up a buddy.
A man was a bit of a nutter
For the flavor of genuine butter.
Though the board disallows
That the condo keeps cows,
His devotion to dairy is udder.
A man was a little bit nutso
From looking at Internet smut so.
“For Christmas,” said he,
“I’d like surfing hands-free.”
“A ha,” said his mother, “I thut so.”
Thanks very much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winners and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 86.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Quotable Limerick.