Limericks By The Pound (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman had spent her last pound…*

or

A fellow went down to the pound…*

or

A woman bought less than a pound…*

or

A fellow was trying to pound…*

or

A professor would often expound…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limericks By The Pound
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow went down to the pound
With plans to adopt a cute hound.
His spouse said, “Think small,”
But he brought home a tall
St. Bernard. Now his wife’s outward bound.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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86 Responses to “Limericks By The Pound (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Sancho Panza says:

    A woman had spent her last pound
    To buy an enlarging compound.
    The guys were impressed
    With the size of her breasts
    But found them disturbingly round.

  2. A professor would often expound
    A theory, long proven unsound.
    He thought a man oughta
    Swim well underwater
    But sadly, in trying, he drowned.

  3. Mark Kane says:

    “Now Mates, that there’s something I’d pound,
    Even better if first she was bound!”
    But my pals all just snickered,
    As my confidence flickered,
    With almost no hope to gain ground.

  4. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow was off to the pound,
    In search of his runaway hound.
    When he yelled “Rover Stay!”
    His mutt ran away,
    He was hoping his loss was now found.

  5. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Thank goodness we stuck with the pound
    Some of Europe has near run aground
    By adopting the euro
    But from Thurso to Truro
    The Queen’s head is on currency found

    [Although for accuracy's sake, I should say that although Bank of England currency is valid north of the Border, Scotland has its own banknotes issued by their own banks, with no monarch on.]

  6. Ailsa McKillop says:

    Cheese is still sold by the pound
    Beer and milk — in pints they are downed
    But the EU got their talons
    In petrol by gallons
    It gives me depression — profound!

  7. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A grocer served less than a pound
    Of strawberries, fresh from the ground
    Short weight by an ounce?
    Trading Standards may pounce!
    For such selling practice unsound

  8. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A professor would often expound
    “Island nation? The plus points abound:
    For rabies – no carrier
    For defence – there’s a barrier:
    Not landlocked – there’s sea all around.”

  9. Ailsa McKillop says:

    My nephew weighed less than one pound
    They tended him, white masked and gowned,
    In small incubator
    Now, many years later
    His tum’s almost three feet around

  10. Ailsa McKillop says:

    A fellow rushed down to the pound
    To pick up his lost basset hound
    Ears flapping in glee
    Licking each face he could see
    (That’s just the man, waiting around)

  11. Chris Papa says:

    A cop who would hard pavement pound,
    A pimp with his hot whore found,
    He threatened arrest,
    Till she gave her best,
    And real happy beat-pounder found.

  12. Pat Hatt says:

    A woman had spent her last pound
    Then found another on the ground
    She stuck it in a slot
    Won a whole lot
    Now she is rather round

  13. John Sardo says:

    A fellow went down to the pound
    To snare a fair hunting hound
    He came away with a mutt
    Who would fill his huge gut
    And settle on a bed to lay around.

  14. John Sardo says:

    A fellow was trying to pound
    A steel stake for his hound in the ground.
    No hunter this dog
    Who eats like a hog
    Then chases fair females around.

  15. John Sardo says:

    A woman bought less than a pound
    Of ingredients to make a cake round
    When she added the rum
    She started to hum
    Who needs cake with a liquor renowned.

  16. John Sardo says:

    A professor would often expound
    ’bout a dog he found at the pound
    His firm exclamation
    Told of a Dalmatian
    Whose playing around made the prof come unwound.

  17. rbasler says:

    A fellow enjoyed Ezra Pound
    Whose work he considered profound
    One problem, though teeny,
    He liked Mussolini,
    And may not be mentally sound….

  18. Mark Kane says:

    The butcher sold flesh by the pound,
    He offered both sliced and fine ground.
    A wife had her say,
    Her hubby must pay,
    This steep price for sleeping around.

  19. Hansi says:

    A professor would often expound
    How the Earth was flat and not really round.
    Every one would start to laugh
    Even the staff
    And wondered how long he’s gonna be around

  20. Fred Bortz says:

    If baloney is sold by the pound,
    Then the costliest radio sound
    Is political patter
    Where facts never matter
    And untruths and falsehoods abound.

  21. Carolyn Henly says:

    A woman bought eggs by the pound
    For her fluffy souffle world-renowned.
    Then ten big noisy taps
    Caused a souffle collapse;
    Now her husband can nowhere be found.

  22. Carolyn Henly says:

    A woman too likely to pound
    On her suitors (if aught came around),
    Was soon tamed by a mench
    Who proclaimed her “Fair Wench,”
    And quite liked that Sweet Kate always frowned.

  23. Judith H. Block says:

    A professor would often expound
    On what greatness around us abounds!
    In a cruel, hostile world,
    With corruption unfurled,
    Enjoy nature and arts that astound!

  24. James Hazelton says:

    A fellow went down to the pound
    To pick up a trustworthy hound
    He needed a bloke
    Since his wife left him broke
    Till another romance could be found

  25. Tom Harris says:

    The TV preacher would expound
    With vehemence so he’d dumbfound,
    With rantings hideous,
    The dumb and piteous.
    Telling them they are all hell bound.

  26. Tom Harris says:

    Telling her if she lost a pound
    She’d look better when ungowned
    Was Bernie’s error.
    Made his wife a terror,
    Unleashing her inner hellhound.

  27. A woman lost less than a pound
    So went to the pond where she drowned
    All of her sorrows
    And her tomorrows
    When swimming, a poison snake found.

  28. Rich D says:

    A guitarist just started to pound
    out chords cuz he loved the sound
    he cranked up the amp
    but started to cramp
    the feedback killed dogs in the pound

  29. Rich D says:

    An actor with muy extra pound
    could not get a role, so he found
    because of his error
    that left him barer
    the theatre not nude but in round

  30. Rich D says:

    Two lovers wouldst furiously pound
    it out without making a sound
    she said he should diet
    he thought she said quiet
    no eating nor bleating were found

  31. Rich D says:

    Peaches, he sold by the pound
    No better a fruit could be found
    freestone or cling
    he always would bring
    the freshest ones sold all around

  32. Rich D says:

    My headache would throb, it would pound -
    worsening at any sound.
    The words were obscene,
    the tone was just mean…
    my evil was Biblically sound!

  33. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow who loved Ezra Pound,
    In his dotage would often expound:
    “‘I grow old, I grow old,
    I shall wear my pants rolled…’
    Or perhaps not at all, if I’m gowned.”

  34. Rich D says:

    I went out and bought me a pound
    of hamburger recently ground
    I cranked up the grill
    and cooked them until
    no color in juices were found

  35. Ira Bloom says:

    A fellow tried vainly to pound,
    A square peg in a hole that was round,
    His wife said “It’s quaint,
    That you use such restraint,
    Still, I doubt that you’re mentally sound.”

  36. Bruce Niedt says:

    A fellow who laid down a pound
    for a beer in a pub that he downed,
    said, “I know what you’re thinking,
    but I’ll keep from sinking,
    while my sorrows are properly drowned.”

  37. Bruce Niedt says:

    A woman who lost just a pound
    looked down at her scale and then frowned.
    So she quit diet planning
    and instead took up tanning -
    she’s still fat, but she’s evenly browned.

  38. Bruce Niedt says:

    Slight grammatical change:

    A fellow who laid down a pound
    in a pub for a beer that he downed,
    said, “I know what you’re thinking,
    but I’ll keep from sinking,
    while my sorrows are properly drowned.”

  39. Petra Steele says:

    The Spooky Guy went down to the pound
    To pick himself up a nice hound
    The beast was pure-bred in Hell
    It gave off a sulphury smell
    Making it damned unpleasant to have ’round

  40. scott says:

    A fellow was trying to pound,
    on his pillow with nary a sound.
    Despite all his labors,
    he woke up the neighbors,
    soon after the missus went down.

  41. JulesPaige says:

    A professor would often expound
    That she would take more than just a pound
    Of lazy collegiate student flesh
    And feed it to the Monster of Loch Ness
    Pay attention! With her there was no foolin’ around!

    (c) JP/davh

  42. Diane Groothuis says:

    A Professor would always expound
    On the shards found at diggings underground
    But the Daddy of em all
    Was that story so tall
    That at Piltdown the “missing link” was found.

  43. Bruce Niedt says:

    A fellow went down to the pound
    and brought home a vigilant hound.
    But the pooch likes to bark
    from dawn until dark -
    as a watchdog, he’s too tightly wound.

  44. Tim James says:

    A bar patron wanted to pound
    A lady who’d bought him a round.
    To his pitch she was warm
    But he couldn’t perform
    ‘Cause of all of the bourbon he’d downed.

  45. Edmund Conti says:

    It’s twenty-one shillings–a pound
    At least I think that is sound.
    Oh wait, I meant guinea
    I am such a ninny
    And the former on my old playground.

  46. Edmund Conti says:

    Johanna, you shouldn’t expound
    On concepts too deep and profound.
    When you dredge up E. Conti
    You’ll get the Full Monty
    And you don’t want to see him ungowned.

  47. Jeff Shirley says:

    A fellow went down to the pound
    After many a pint had been downed
    “Put me with the dogs, please
    I would rather face fleas
    than my wife, ’cause my head will be crowned.”

  48. Jeff Shirley says:

    A woman who spent her last pound
    bought a plaything to tickle her mound
    When the batteries failed
    “La Dee Da,” she exhaled
    “For the milkman will soon be around.”

  49. brian miller says:

    a fellow went down to the pound
    to find him a pup rather round
    but all were skinny
    he did not like mini
    so figured he’d find one around

  50. A professor would often expound
    on the size and the height of the mound,
    the dirt that they use,
    the cleats on their shoes,
    and the shape of the ball – round.

  51. Kirk Miller says:

    Stay away from light sockets, Dad pounded
    In my head. His advice was well founded.
    Stuck my finger in one.
    “I must punish you, Son,”
    Said my dad, “because now you are grounded.”

    The teenager’s car was impounded.
    The charge? DUI, which astounded
    His dad, electrician,
    Intent on contrition,
    Announced that his offspring was grounded.

    Obese senators often expound
    While in session; the halls will resound
    Many hours with bluster
    For a filibuster.
    They’re just throwing their wait around.

    Golfer used just one club and did pound
    (Throughout all 18 holes, quite profound)
    A ball with his putter.
    To friends he would mutter
    That he simply was playing a round.

    Politicians will often expound
    During speeches with words that are bound
    To get heated. No shock,
    ‘Cause whenever they talk
    They are full of hot air, I have found.

    If you need to put on a few pounds,
    Then just do as I say, though it sounds
    Rather crazy, it’s true.
    Just jog backwards and you
    Will gain weight. This technique sure astounds.

  52. Danielle Nowlin says:

    My professor would often expound
    On deep thoughts as he roamed far around.
    He declaimed as he moved,
    But digressed and he proved
    You can get a prof lost who’s profound.

  53. Edmund Conti says:

    A pavement is what you must pound
    If a job is to ever be found.
    And they’re so easy to find
    There are shoes to be shined
    Potatoes to pull from the ground.

  54. Edmund Conti says:

    A moral we feel we must pound–
    The tale of Prometheus Bound.
    One gets all a-quiver
    When we think of his liver
    The ultra–and ultimate–sound.

  55. When Santa had started to pound
    Out toys for next Christmas, he found,
    While he loved flying high
    With his deer through the sky,
    That his life was a grind on the ground.

  56. Weekend sailor would often expound
    On the great bargain boat he had found.
    He found it so dear
    Tied there by his pier.
    ‘Twas his wife, though, he found outward bound.

  57. A fellow went down to the pound
    and found what he thought would be hound.
    It was tiny and cute,
    Not a thing that he’d shoot,
    ‘Til the fox dug a den in his ground.

  58. Rich D says:

    Karen on drums she would pound
    an integral part of their sound
    when she got to the part
    where he’s breaking her heart
    the singing was deep and profound

  59. Rich D says:

    The lim’rick this week’s word is “pound”
    Mentions of Ezra abound
    Can’t wait for the trick
    when “orange” she pick
    to see us all cry on the ground!

  60. Dean Geier says:

    on my keyboard i’m starting to pound
    this week’s limerick is not to be found
    i’m coiled so tightly
    i can’t even write. see?
    that’s my key right there on the ground.

  61. Rachel Hoyt says:

    A fellow went down to the pound
    Hoping his wife’s love would abound
    For a pup in bow
    So much he could go
    Somewhere where he could not be found.

    (P.S. The reason I haven’t participated for a while is described beautifully above by Dan Geier. I’ve popped in several times but just couldn’t crank out a limerick!)

  62. Johanna Richmond says:

    I was wondering, when you expound
    An idea you are kicking around,
    Do you “expound UPON” it,
    Or “expound”? Doggone it,
    I’ll wait till E. Conti is found.

  63. Johanna Richmond says:

    For eternity, Ed, I could pound
    My head on the wall ’fore I found
    A rhyme that would beat
    “Full Monty,” a feat
    So outstanding, your head should be crowned.

  64. Johanna Richmond says:

    Give your bed frame a rest – - do not pound.
    If you want those old bed springs to sound,
    Grab that headboard (no beating),
    Hold on (it’s not cheating) –
    Now channel that thrust to the mound.

  65. Johanna Richmond says:

    I’ve never much liked the word “pound.”
    For women, it’s weight is profound.
    Would it kill folks to say,
    “There’s more of you — yay!”?
    Those are words with a much nicer sound.

  66. Johanna Richmond says:

    When comparing my dates pound for pound,
    Those fellows who worship the sound
    Of their own voices go.
    Out on top? Guys who know
    Women’s words should be heard and not drowned.

  67. Johanna Richmond says:

    Upon hearing the name, Ezra Pound,
    Surely many an inward eye’s bound
    To see hordes of wet leaves
    Atop collars and sleeves,
    A fresh image for which he’s renowned.

  68. Johanna Richmond says:

    Scott walker has promised to pound
    Women’s right to choose into the ground.
    Thought you still had free will?
    Meet Wisconsin’s new bill:
    Castigation through forced ultrasound.

  69. Johanna Richmond says:

    In my sleep all night: pound, pound, pound, pound…
    Every dream had a strange retro sound.
    It was Richard — I knew
    When “Can’t Smile Without You”
    Was lip-synched by an old Afghan Hound.

  70. Rafael says:

    A woman once paid by the pound
    Of flesh, for she was so bound
    Payment was tough
    She gave with a huff
    For her waist was still bulging and round

  71. Diane Groothuis says:

    A woman who’d spent her last pound
    Said “it goes that is why it’s made round”
    I said to her “Honey
    You must watch your money
    There are very few good men around”.

  72. Rich D says:

    All week we’ve been lim’ricking “pound”
    the twists and the turns we expound
    And Ezra of Prevention
    for an Honorable Mention
    Where’s Roger’s? Confound!

  73. Dr. Goose says:

    Said Shylock: “You’ve promised a pound
    Of your flesh, and you’re solemnly bound.
    If I have to foreclose,
    I’ll cut off your nose,
    Which suffices, I’ve gen’rally found.”

  74. Dr. Goose says:

    When Britannia ruled, and the pound
    Was known to be solid and sound,
    They would often speak ill
    Of the five-dollar bill
    And Lincoln, upon whom they frowned.

  75. Dr. Goose says:

    The sun never set on the pound
    When Edward VII was crowned.
    Back then it could serve
    As the global reserve,
    Wherevah the empire was found.

  76. Dr. Goose says:

    The penis is barely a pound,
    And typic’ly just hangs around,
    But with help from tumescence
    It gives of one’s essence,
    A process for which it’s renowned.

  77. Rich D says:

    When trying to define a pound
    the jokes we employ are soon found
    If you get them to say
    “Uh, what’s a dickway?”
    the target knows he has been clowned

  78. Dudley Do-Right whose jaw weighs a pound
    Rides his pony the wrong way around
    In each plot that’s embroiled
    Snidely Whiplash is foiled
    And poor Nell on the train track gets found

  79. In a penny’s worth, in for a pound
    Is a saying that’s meant to confound
    Light years don’t measure time
    Someone’s dropping a dime
    And a speaker’s for musical sound?

  80. They gave the poor headboard a pound
    And the mattress collapsed to the ground
    Though they practiced safe sex
    On the porch and the decks
    In the bathtub they both nearly drowned

  81. The Mark, Yen or Buck, and the Pound
    Make a clinkety-clankety sound
    Joel Grey and Minnelli
    On film and the telly
    Can still make the world go around

  82. Pick a penny and squander a pound
    In a puddle a fool can be drowned
    Platitude’s make me flinch
    They get used in a pinch
    But for bawdy lims we’re more renowned

  83. A potato weighs all of a pound
    When it’s harvested out of the ground
    Made of starch and some ash
    And before it, you mash
    It’s three quarter parts water they’ve found

    But this spud will weigh less than a pound
    If dehydrated into a mound
    That’s half water, half powder
    When using for chowder
    Or fritters is usu’lly frowned

    So now, how many parts of a pound
    (And the answer will likely astound)
    Does the dried up spud weigh?
    If it’s too soon to say,
    Is your crossword puz pencil around?

  84. On his laptop his head he would pound
    As he tried to write something profound
    While the words that were wrote
    By the keyboard he smote
    Made no sense, stlil the meter was sound

  85. I wish she would put on a pound
    Some parts of her ought to be round
    But she’s built like a rake
    And I’m scared she would break
    If out with her I’d make, so I’m browned

  86. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 119

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Finding Limericks