Refined Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal who was very refined…*

or

A man who was very refined…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Refined Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal who was very refined
Found herself in a terrible bind.
She’d been tied up in knots
By two trumpeting Scots.
Her muted response: “Do you mind?”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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106 Responses to “Refined Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Jesse Levy says:

    A man who was very refined
    went slightly out of his mind
    He ate someone’s liver
    and gave us a shiver
    Now Lecter is safely confined.

  2. Michael Grove says:

    A gal who was very refined
    preferred to relax and unwind
    with champagnes from afar
    and rare caviar,
    ‘till she reached a content state of mind.

  3. Michael Grove says:

    A gent who was very refined
    consistently had wined and dined
    debutantes by the score
    yet, found them a bore
    when they’d share neither good head or mind.

  4. Uhave2laff says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Was tired of her husband being maligned
    She said, “this is hard –
    Mitt gets less regard
    Than the rest of the GOP combined.”

  5. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A gal who seemed very refined
    In reality had a foul mind
    Using all her spare time
    Making up rhyme
    Of the filthy Limerick kind.

  6. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A guy who was most unrefined
    Was warned that he would go blind
    If he did’nt desist
    Making love to his fist
    But he gave it a no never mind.

  7. Bill Klein says:

    A man who was very refined
    But also had sex on his mind
    Emphatically proclaimed,
    “I truly do feel your pain”
    Which was also a great pick-up line

  8. Bill Klein says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Preferred suitors of a similar mind
    If she felt rather chipper
    She’d grab hold of his zipper
    It was performance art, of a kind

  9. brian miller says:

    a guy who was most unrefined
    pulled poetry from his behind
    often free verse
    the gift and the curse
    as it always danced around his mind

  10. Mark Kane says:

    A gal who he thought was refined,
    Brought another side quickly to mind.
    While eyeing his pants,
    She asked, “Want a Dance?”,
    Then proceeded to gyrate and grind.

  11. John Sardo says:

    A man who was very refined
    Said lady you’re much to confined
    Let me show you the ropes
    And the slippery slopes
    Leave manners behind, bring secrets maligned.

    A gal who was very refined
    Went out to be wined and dined
    She drank Johnnie Black
    Then jumped in the sack
    And never again she declined

  12. Pat Hatt says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Was tired of the rat race grind.
    She moved out of reach,
    To her very own beach,
    Where she causes all onlookers to go blind.

  13. Kathleen Cole says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Ended up going quite blind.
    A dog was offered,
    Payment proferred,
    Poo retinue close behind.

  14. A gal who was very refined
    Bought a melon, then went off and dined
    The gal wasn’t heedless,
    The melon WAS seedless,
    But there she sat, holding the rind

  15. kaykuala says:

    A gal who was very refined
    In stated ways when she dined
    Mistake she regretted
    Uncouth dude she dated
    Realized a right choice was divine

    Hank

  16. My great-aunts were very refined.
    When visiting I was inclined
    To curtsey so low
    That often I’d go
    Flat down on my girlish behind.

    I loved my mother’s Victorian-born aunts, and knew they loved me, but I could be terrified as well.
    When they hosted a gathering of ladies, my sister and I had the job of passing plates of cookies, tarts and hors d’ouevre, as well as carrying tiny silver trays of cream and sugar and wielding silver sugar tongs.
    As we weren’t particularly graceful (let’s face it, we were born klutzes) this “honor,” which was intended to contribute to our ladylike upbringing, was usually two hours of torture during which we were expected to smile sweetly at all the old dears who visited “the aunties.”

  17. Mike Dailey says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Brings nobody I know to mind
    All the gals that I know
    Are just so and so
    And they think of me in kind

  18. Chris Doyle says:

    A woman who’s very refined
    Is inclined to be less so when wined.
    With sufficient Chablis,
    She might even agree
    To a Gypsy Rose Lee bump and grind.

  19. Mike Dailey says:

    A gal who was quite refined
    Wouldn’t pay me no mind
    I said she was sumpin’
    I’d like to be humpin’
    She said I was just not her kind

    So being this time more refined
    I didn’t dare pinch her behind
    I said – being polite
    You and me girl – tonight
    She said I was out of my mind

    So how does one get more refined
    With you know what still on his mind
    I used my best moves
    I guess that just proves
    I’m really not refined inclined

    I want a gal not so refined
    One who just shakes her behind
    And says “come and get it
    And you won’t regret it”
    And that gal to me’s the best kind

    Now ladies if you’re so refined
    That my poetry grates on your mind
    Consider the source
    The rear end of a horse
    A term I am often assigned

  20. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A housewife extremely refined
    Asked her milkman, “Would you be so kind
    As to make your delivery
    While dressed in full livery
    And please enter the place from behind?”

  21. Sallie McKenna says:

    A gal who was very refined
    would sip spirits till she was blind,
    holding glass of fine crystal,
    she’d get all of the gist till,
    with a slide off the couch, dropped behind.

  22. A girl who was very refined,
    To others, seemed very unkind,
    While in Spain, in the rain,
    She slipped on the plain,
    It is there that she broke her behind

  23. Chris Doyle says:

    When a chick says she’s “very refined”
    But lets slip that there’s sex on her mind,
    It’s not rude to conclude
    She’d prefer to be screwed
    By a dude from in front, not behind.

  24. Sallie McKenna says:

    A gal who was very refined,
    ate the fruit, but eschewed any rind,
    even raspberry skin
    seemed insufficiently thin
    for her compotes; served chilled to begin.

  25. JulesPaige says:

    A woman was very refined
    Loved old wealthy men, liked ‘em half blind
    She wanted champagne, caviar and cake
    Thought her new beau was half-baked
    When requesting a pre-nup to be signed

    A fellow was very refined
    Though it was with a cougar he dined
    To a few of his friends, she been a trickster
    When asked to wed, he’d not budge nor dicker
    And demanded a pre-nup be signed

    (c)JP/davh

  26. oudiva says:

    I hope we can enter more than once…

    A gal who was very refined
    Found herself most uncouthly inclined.
    To base rhyme she descends,
    And a limerick she pens!
    From her lit club she’s forced to resign.

    Or, perhaps, this one:

    A gal who was very refined
    Thought that Verdi was simply divine.
    Though she sang with great power,
    Her notes were all sour;
    For Wagner her voice was designed!

    (Verdi once said, “German singers are very powerful. They don’t make music – but they’re very powerful!”)

  27. madkane says:

    Oudiva, the more, the merrier!

  28. Chris Doyle says:

    A man who was very refined
    Served Chianti to guests as they dined.
    “If our friendship gets strained,”
    Mr. Lector explained,
    “You may give me a piece of your mind.”

  29. Jim Delaney says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Took a course in burlesque for the blind.
    She went twice round the room
    With a mouli-legumes
    When explaining the meaning of “grind”.

  30. Patrick says:

    Mitt Romney was very refined
    but to 47 percent he was blind;
    he dismissed them as takers
    or work-challenged fakers
    to hand-outs and freebies inclined.

  31. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    The duchess was not so refined
    As to say that she’d terribly mind
    If her manservant came
    In the front door—no shame—
    While the duke himself entered behind.

  32. Zane says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Could not a discrete lover find
    She asked of a Scot,
    He said, What you got?
    With that, she got stuck in a bind.

  33. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    Alabama had thought she refined
    The old song that Ray Charles had in mind
    When she sang, “There’s no peace,
    No dream of release,
    While Georgia is on my behind.”

  34. Rinkly Rimes says:

    A girl who was very refined
    Was offered some fun but declined
    Said she ‘Understand,
    I am untouched by hand ,
    And I do want that fact underlined.’

  35. A girl who thought she was refined
    Had underwear that was made fur-lined.
    Her breasts, round and pink,
    Were nestled in mink
    While sable embraced her behind.

  36. Fred says:

    A man who was very refined
    never chose to speak his mind
    Until along came a ghost
    that would constantly boast
    about seeing the man in due time

  37. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    This young lady who seemed so refined
    Privately enjoyed a good grind
    But even at this
    The prissy young miss
    Could’nt handle the stains left behind.

  38. Bob Dvorak says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Posted thoughts of the rational kind.
    “But these Facebook alerts
    Hit my head ’til it hurts,
    And they’re driving me out of my mind!”

  39. Bob Dvorak says:

    A man who was very refined
    Sought a girl of the profligate kind.
    “My butler takes care
    Of my meals; what I wear.
    But right now, I’ve raw passion in mind.”

  40. Bob Dvorak says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Took her pal up the hill, where she pined,
    “I’ve no notions of guilt;
    Do with me what thou wilt.
    From this angle I’m highly inclined.”

  41. Jesse Levy says:

    A gal who was very refined
    was walking one night fully wined.
    A saucer came down
    threw her to the ground
    Encounter, you say? Yes. Third kind.

  42. A matron who was very refined
    Didn’t like when she had to remind
    Her gentleman caller
    (Who was quite a bit smaller)
    Not to stare at her ample behind

  43. Rallentanda says:

    a gal who was very refined
    got entangled with a man
    who was blind
    he thought she was swell
    with a voice like a bell
    as the guide dog
    sauntered behind
    l

  44. Green Speck says:

    A man who was very refined,
    Coarse habits he always declined.
    Then came a time,
    He, bored of this rhyme,
    Explored wicked adventures that had him maligned.

  45. Craig says:

    A teacher was not too refined 
    And had quite a lascivious mind.
    He used to be trusted
    But finally got busted
    For feeling a little behind.

  46. colonialist says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Too lavishly wined when she dined;
    Said, “Don’t touch the bus-sht
    Of the upper crus-sht!”
    To a serving man that way inclined.

    A gal who was very refined
    To pronounce ‘wind’ as ‘wined’ was inclined;
    ‘For Shakespeare,’ she claimed,
    ‘In, “Blow, blow,” is famed*
    For having it rhymed with “unkind”!’

    (‘Blow, blow thou winter wind,
    Thou art not so unkind
    As man’s ingratitude,’
    in case you don’t believe me.)

  47. Granny Smith says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Would refine poems (words underlined)
    Then for better or worse
    She would send out her verse
    Which the editors always declined.

  48. Sara McNulty says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Drank Chianti Classico wine
    At a party one night
    Her lips curled up in fright
    Said she, `I taste hairs of canine.

    A man who was very refined
    Met a girl, quite poor, but sublime
    He offered to buy her
    Silks, satins, sapphires,
    But his politics made her decline.

    A gal who was very refined
    Met a man who ate like a swine
    She had no way of knowing
    His nose, he’d be blowing
    Slurping oysters down two at a time.

  49. Johanna Richmond says:

    We lim’ricists aint too refined –
    In fact, “raunchy” just might be too kind,
    And your D.P. motif
    Was a scream. Here’s my beef:
    Now I’m feeling one entry behind.

  50. Craig says:

    A gal thought herself quite refined
    So she asked if her boyfriend would mind
    Kama Sutra-style acts
    But did not check her facts
    Last I heard, they’re still firmly entwined.

  51. Carolyn Henly says:

    A wealthy dame not too refined:
    Her manners she ought to re-find.
    When she belched after tea,
    She was charged a huge fee;
    Belched again: she was caught and re-fined.

  52. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    There’s this woman whose so, so refined
    But to sex she is so uninclined
    She thinks it obscene
    And extremely unclean
    And an insult to all womankind.

  53. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    This woman was very refined
    And had a beautiful mind
    While she thought she had class
    Face resembled her arse
    So to date her you’d have to be blind

  54. JazzBumpa says:

    Refined Limerick

    A gal who was very refined
    Met a man with a sweet tooth who pined
    For a sugary treat as the best thing to eat
    And asked if she was so inclined.

    Cheers!
    JzB

  55. Sarah Mac says:

    A young gal once refined
    The muscles in her behind
    Her mother said Heather
    When you squeeze them together
    They wrinkle like old lemon rind

  56. hedgewitch says:

    a gal who was very refined
    for the golden age often repined
    when a woman was courted
    instead of just sported
    as a trophy to be whined and dined.

    Did my best Mad–thanks for sharing with us at dVerse tonight.

  57. A girl who was very refined
    was feeling slightly maligned
    she screwed up her face
    crumpling all of her lace
    and showed them all
    her big bare behind.

  58. Tim James says:

    A guy who was not too refined
    Took a friend out to hunt to unwind.
    He took aim at a deer,
    Capped his friend in the rear.
    (He shot the wrong version of hind.)

  59. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A less-favored suitor refined
    His approach till it worked as designed:
    The chased about-faced,
    Said she couldn’t be chaste
    By a fellow who came from behind.

  60. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    Herr Spengler perked up and refined
    The idea long fixed in his mind
    Upon seeing fair Mae
    On the couch where she lay:
    “I am glad that the West has declined!”

  61. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A suitor revised and refined
    His proposal till perfectly signed.
    When he got no reply,
    He spoke up and asked why.
    “You nitwit, I’m NOT deaf—I’m blind!”

  62. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A queen who was very refined
    had a sailor named Drake on her mind.
    “We shall dub thee a knight
    if those Spaniards thou’ll smite
    till they kisseth our golden behind.”

  63. Hoot Gibson says:

    A man who was very refined
    Never felt that life was a grind
    Until he missed paying taxes.
    Now the IRS axes
    Are assigned to grind his behind.

  64. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A young woman was very refined
    But always had doubts in her mind
    That she could endure
    All her life life being pure
    Without leaving her morals behind.

  65. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A naive young lad much refined
    With a pox ridden pro wined and dined
    But this sexual land lubber
    Did not use a rubber
    Now his claim to refined has declined.

  66. Manicddaily says:

    A gal who was oh so refined

    held her pinkie straight up by design.

    When she woke itchy-headed

    She breakfast-in-bedded,
    
But it mussed up her hair at tea-time. 


    Agh! k.

  67. A gal who was very refined
    found her lover misaligned….
    “A spot of tea for you
    maybe a crumpet or two?”
    “Nayh,” said he, “I’ll have the hair pie.”

  68. Jerry Koran says:

    A gal who was very refined
    Dated a gentleman who was blind
    He was as small as an elf
    Mostly kept his hands to himself
    Except when he fondled her behind

  69. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A bookkeeper coarsely refined
    How a term of his trade was defined:
    “Double-entry accounting
    Is a method of mounting—
    One in front plus another behind.”

  70. Sara V says:

    A mouse who was very refined
    Found he was in a bit of a bind
    While singing a score
    To his intended paramour
    A scientist opened the blind

    In case no one read this news, science has discovered that male mice do sing to woo their ladies–they can teach each other songs and sing different tunes–puts a whole new spin on Mickey, eh?

  71. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    Grandpa these days is refined
    And all his lewd thoughts left his mind
    His wrinkled old doodle
    Now resembles a noodle
    And from it’s wild days has resigned.

  72. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    King Arthur was very refined
    He and Lancelot, were two of a kind
    Rumour had they were gay
    For each night they would play
    At protecting each others behind.

  73. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A young maid who was really refined
    Fantasised that one day she’d find
    A White Knight on a horse
    Who’d abduct her of course
    Then a climax with the ultimate grind.

  74. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    An old maid who was really refined
    Had recurring dreams of the kind
    Where an alien from Venus
    Used his gigantic penis
    To give her a bloody good grind.

  75. A gal who was very refined
    Loved to be wined and dined.
    You had to spend dough
    If you wanted her to go
    To a fancy-free, footloose state of mind.

  76. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A zookeper was very refined
    Till he saw two apes having a grind
    From this action it seems
    He suffered wet dreams
    Now his refined mind’s, in a bind

  77. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    The Captain would act so refined
    When at the ships table he dined
    But later in bed
    Whilst the Mate gave him head
    Daydreamed of the Bosun’s behind.

  78. patience and the prodigal says:

    From Patience;

    A gal who was very refined
    refused to break wind when she dined,
    the gas overloaded,
    and then she exploded,
    her manners were all they could find!

    and the Prodigal:

    A guy who was very refined
    doubted the source of mankind,
    “we couldn’t have come
    from Dad ape and Mum,
    I dont have a bald patch behind”

  79. Johanna Richmond says:

    A woman who wanted “refined,”
    After marrying up changed her mind.
    She was bored with the ceiling,
    But “quadruped kneeling”
    His highness could not get behind.

  80. Johanna Richmond says:

    Jamie, avant-garde friends, while refined
    Are, qua avant-garde, free, unconfined
    By traditional forms
    Like positional norms –
    If you’re rigid, you’ll just be maligned.

  81. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    Mitt Romney makes out he’s refined
    But agenda shows what’s in his mind
    Switching Robin Hood’s pitch
    By feeding the rich
    And robbing the poor folk blind

  82. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A young woman who was refined
    With a HIV man was entwined
    Learning later her lover
    Had not used a rubber
    Now her uppercrust rating’s declined.

  83. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    Mandrake a magician refined
    Did feats that would blow out your mind
    Now he scorns silk cravats
    Or rabbits from hats
    To pull “hares” from his hirsute behind.

  84. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    Old Fitz has tried being refined
    But it just does’nt work with his mind
    Since finding Mad Kane
    He keeps racking his brain
    To write verse that is so UNREFINED.

  85. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    Bossy woman makes out she’s refined
    But her demeanour’s the worst you could find
    As she holds the floor
    Talking down to the poor
    With her head stuck right up her behind.

  86. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A Man well endowed and refined
    Showed a pro who nearly declined
    Changed her mind and said “Chum
    on it’s end I’ll stick gum,
    and if I start chewing unwind”.

  87. Don Fitzpatrick says:

    A Muslim man was refined
    But like most of the rest was inclined
    To worry like hell
    When he hears the death knell
    Handling 72 Virgins assigned.

  88. Johanna Richmond says:

    Poor Spot! Feeling so unrefined
    Has him caught in a doggy-style bind:
    “My bitch likes it (ruff),
    And in this mound of fluff
    Her tail end is all I can find!”

  89. Michael Blum says:

    A man who very refined.
    Had completely gone out of his mind.
    Thus he called for his valet.
    For get dressed for the ballet.
    And wore chaps that exposed his behind.

  90. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A couple revised and refined
    Their prenup, but left it unsigned.
    It seems the affair
    That nettled the pair
    Was how the word “is” is defined.

  91. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A lady who’s very refined
    must unfailingly be disinclined
    to partake in relations
    with freakish mutations,
    lest she, and her kin, be maligned.

  92. Bruce Niedt says:

    A butcher thought he had refined
    a meat grinder that he designed,
    but he sat on it (jerk!) -
    you could say in his work
    he just got a little behind.

  93. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A oilman was highly refined—
    Not at all the crude norm of his kind.
    He’d drill with such skill
    That he never did spill,
    Nor leave barren wasteland behind.

  94. Bruce Niedt says:

    In poker, this guy had refined
    his technique – left all others behind.
    But his game’s in the crapper
    since a young whipper-snapper
    had a flush to his three of a kind.

  95. Dr. Goose says:

    A gal who was very refined,
    With a mien of a delicate kind,
    Occasionally scribbled
    Some rhymes that were ribald
    And told ‘em, if folks didn’t mind.

  96. Dr. Goose says:

    The President, very refined,
    Found nations with which we aligned
    In Libya’s foment,
    But then his opponent
    Insisted he led from behind.

  97. Dr. Goose says:

    If BP and Exxon refined
    And fracked and extracted and mined
    Those combustible fossils,
    There’d be a colossal
    Effect on the globular rind.

  98. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A librarian tweaked and refined
    The search that a patron assigned:
    ” ‘Celebrity nude’
    Is perhaps a bit crude—
    Renoir is the best I could find.”

  99. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    While trombones are not highly refined
    In their tuning while marching aligned,
    That’s as good as it gets
    When beset by cornets—
    A hundred and ten right behind.

  100. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    refined …

    While their tuning is not as refined
    As their manner of marching aligned,
    The trombones, one forgets,
    Are made deaf by cornets—
    A hundred and ten right behind.

  101. Johanna Richmond says:

    A pharmacist thought she’d refined
    What to say when a card was declined
    But when Willie’s Cialis
    Bounced back, with no malice
    The words “Serve ‘er down!” sprang to mind.

  102. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A librarian searched and refined,
    Leaving no bit of data unmined.
    Her quarry: not books,
    But the vilest of crooks—
    Every overdue patron was fined.

  103. Jamie Hutchinson says:

    A professional woman refined
    Her terms for a client’s cash bind:
    “It’s been such a pleasure,
    You may pay at your leisure.
    Better yet, I’ll take payment in kind.”

  104. Johanna Richmond says:

    “He’s intelligent, witty, refined
    A good listener, loving and kind …”
    “And you’re here WHY?” (the shrink).
    “Um, we’re rarely in synch…
    Fact, I’m ninety orgasms behind.”

  105. Johanna Richmond says:

    Mitt Romney has surely refined
    His rep as a horse’s behind.
    He’s (among other crimes)
    Changed positions more times
    Than the studs in our lim’ricks combined.

  106. madkane says:

    Thanks very much everyone for your fun limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 84.

    But don’t worry — you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Pose.