Limerick Airs (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman was putting on airs…*
or
A fellow was putting on airs…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Airs
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman was putting on airs
And attracting a whole lot of stares.
She puffed and she preened,
Till from warnings she gleaned
That behind her were lurking three bears.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Animal & Pet Humor, Bears Humor, Behavior Humor, Limerick Contest, Outdoors Humor, Poetry & Prompts, Wild Animals Poetry, Wildlife Humor, Writing Prompts
The braggart was putting on airs,
and was met with some dagger-filled stares.
His friends said goodbye.
He kept piling it high,
‘till he realized nobody cares.
by Michael Grove
A woman was putting-on airs,
Always boasting of all her affairs,
Saying ‘I’m so attractive
The men all get active,
Lining-up double-file on my stairs.’
A woman was putting on airs
Still young, attractive and fair
Sniggers all round
Made her frown
But being taken for an old mare
This started as one limerick, grew to three limericks and then compressed to a hybrid sort of thing:
A woman was putting on airs,
Rich due to inherited shares.
But, with her nose elevated,
Misfortune awaited,
And she tripped and fell down the stairs.
A scream passed her lips
And she cashed in her chips
But her money passed on to her heirs,
Who spent it on wining,
Some quite serious dining,
And a few sordid but well published affairs.
A woman was putting on airs
About the speed of her thoroughbred mares
But they had airs too
And the race would not do
So they sat down to rest on some chairs
A woman was putting on airs
That her lovers all turned up in pairs
“I have a good guy
Who turns a blind eye
And allows me to have a few spares”
A woman’s been putting on airs
ever since the affair
with footballer millionaire.
Though she can’t get over the fact,
that he used her just for sex,
she still carries herself,
like a mighty goddess.
A woman was putting on airs
And padding her modest upstairs.
The guy on her date
Found this all out too late
‘Twas a package of buyer B-wares.
A fellow was putting on airs
For women for whom he set snares
I’m rich as you see
So follow with glee
To my digs that no else shares.
.
A woman was putting on airs
For a fellow who set many snares
You may be rich
You son of a bitch
But my style needs cash for affairs.
A woman was putting on airs
As she flirted with old millionaires.
Though their pre-nups were tight,
And not worth the fight,
One could still gain a lot from affairs.
A stripper was putting on airs
Pretending she lacked any cares,
But hungry for money,
She searched for a honey,
To whom she could peddle her wares.
A fellow was putting on airs
combing the last of his hairs
But the comb went right through
making him blue
Cuz he used to be hairy as bears.
A would-be diplomat, putting on airs,
Was cut short by his interviewers’ glares;
“Who you shagged in Tashkent
“Wasn’t quite what we meant
“When we asked about Foreign Affairs!”
Hee hee, these are really funny!
A woman, not putting on airs
Was ridding her chin of stray hairs.
“Without depilation
I’m like a crustacean
Made crabby by people’s rude stares.”
A woman was putting on airs,
While she served her friends chocolate eclairs
And fresh peaches in cream;
Which enhanced her esteem,
Not to mention some plump derrieres.
Executives putting on airs
Had savants on the edge of their chairs
Till the op’ning bell tolled
And the true story told:
Investors weren’t buying the shares.
A nanny was putting on airs
As she gabbed with the other au pairs.
“My job is assured
‘Cause the Mister I’ve lured
With my breasts, sweet and toothsome as pears.”
In my lim, L5 has a homophonic error, but I couldn’t resist. Here’s an alternate.
A woman was putting on airs,
While she served her friends chocolate eclairs
And fresh peaches in cream;
Which enhanced her esteem,
Not to mention some rumps, but who cares.
Bragged a coiffeuse, putting on airs,
” Done soooo many celebrity hairs.
“Once I styled Goldilocks
“Then knit two pairs of socks
“From the trimmings I got from three bears.”
Mrs. Bucket is putting on airs:
“It’s Bouquet,” she intently declares.
Her long-suffering spouse
Is as meek as a mouse;
Admonish her? He never dares.
(Based on “Keeping Up Appearances”, a wonderful BBC sitcom which airs on one of the PBS stations.)
A fellow was putting on airs
With a fellow WASP putting on Nair:
“Our fraternity haze
Says you go seven days
In short shorts, chap, with legs that are bare.”
A fellow was putting on airs:
“I’m the Russian chargé d’affairs
And a scholar of Brecht
And I also direct
The Department of Veteran’s Affairs.”
A hipster statistical airs
his method of handling affairs:
“When I’m starting to fit
To the mainstream, I quit,
Daddy-o, so I hang with least squares.”
The commercials are putting on airs,
Implying we’re all old gray mares,
To which we cry, “Nay!
We are*proud* of our gray,
And we treasure our low-hanging pears!”
Nice work, Linda Fuller!
A woman was putting on airs
Well paying parking fares
She puffed out her lip
Continuosly swung her hip
And knocked passerbys down the stairs
A dancing horse putting on airs
Nicely sums up this state of affairs:
Ann pays thousands to trot
While the rest of us rot;
Guess they’re hoping nobody compares.
A millionaire footballer putting on airs
denying the whole affair,
trying to imply, he’d never have dared
to impose himself on her.
A drummer was putting on airs
His kit had a couple of snares
It looked pretty neat
but he can’t keep a beat
so now he’s a sideshow at fairs
Please don’t say Ann and Mitt put on airs;
They drink Bud, get around on old mares…
Mitt gives haircuts for free,
And to get his degree
That poor chap had to sell off some shares!
The farmer was putting on airs
because of his peaches and pears
They passed every test
he said they were best
He sold them to buy some eclaires
Said a man who was putting on airs,
“Look, there’s kangaroo poop ev’rywheres.
And the greens are just gorse!
You can’t have a golf course
On a rock, in Australia, I swears!”
An Australian putting on airs
’bout golf courses & koala bears
Our Kangaroo poo’s
Beneficial for you
It even gets rid of grey hairs.
A woman was putting on airs,
and soaking up all of the stares,
until she learned the truth,
that stuck to her tooth,
were three rather long pubic hairs.
Viagra is putting on airs
Of old couples who dash up the stairs.
Why, the ladies, you’d think
Had grown a new pink
And the gents had developed new pairs!
A fellow was putting on airs
Of his fairness in willing his heirs:
“The licit receive
The same as I leave
To the offspring of all my affairs.”
A fellow was putting on airs
Of supporting his wife and his heirs
Till she said, “That’s mistaken!
You brought home no bacon.
I conceived them by selling my wares!”
A woman was putting on airs.
Those who were there said, “Who cares?
She’s just not that hot
and look what she’s got.
Her head is well packed with grey hairs.”
I’m not saying you need put on airs,
Look like Zeus or have wit like Molliere’s,
Oh but match-dot-com date,
Please do not imitate
Your ex-wife sucking cream from eclairs.
THE NEWS IN BRIEFS … errrm, sorry, BRIEF
Sex Therapists, putting on airs,
Launch “PANTY-SYNCH”, a new theory of theirs;
Here’s what it is –
Make sure he pulls down his
At the same time that she pulls down hers.
Thanks for feedback, here goes my amended version… still not sure about da DAHs though… : )
A woman’s been putting on airs
since the affair with footballer millionaire.
Though she can’t get over the fact,
that he used her just for sex,
she still carries herself without a care.
A millionaire footballer putting on airs
denying the whole affair.
Trying to imply he’d never have dared
to impose himself on her,
They’d never have made a coupled pair.
A woman was putting on airs
Oblivious to all the stares;
Caught in panties, at back,
Dresses modesty lack –
And her ass-set quite shockingly bares!
A woman was putting on airs,
‘I’m a bride of the church,’ she declares;
‘Tis true, with the clergy,
She got very urgy,
And had, with all bishops, affairs.
Yours truly, putting on airs,
Is greeted by a chorus of “Grrr’s”
“Please, Grandpa, enough!
“Take that old CD off!”…
Guess I’ve joined folk I used to call squares. :(
A gentleman putting on airs
Was stopped at the foot of the stairs
By a naughty young lady
Whose background was shady
But was blessed with the nicest of pairs.
A woman was putting on airs
As she slowly ascended the stairs
But her cover was blown
When the glass floor had shown
That the dress is quite all that she wears
Buxom tart putting on airs
On a sideshow at many State Fairs
The size of her bust
Filled men with lust
She said “Come up and kiss me who dares”
A bowler was putting on airs
About all the turkeys he swears
He bowled in the eighties
Along the Euphrates
While Eli racked up mainly spares.
A woman lived putting on airs
Her nose far too high in the air
Her kin felt her blower
Should be held much lower
They chipped in for nose job repairs.
A woman was putting on airs
In lieu of her clothing. “Who cares?”
She said, “without frocks,
I’ll display all my locks.
Don’t like it? Then never watch bares!”
Cheers!
JzB
A woman is putting on airs,
But her neighbors don’t fall for her snares:
“Calls herself ‘Miss Mont d’Or’,
But we know that, before,
She was Evelyn Goldberg – who cares!”
A fellow was putting on airs,
But the gals weren’t buying his wares:
“Never mind leering at us,
While your old apparatus
Is stuck in the shop for repairs.”
A fellow was putting on airs
As a master of plumbing repairs,
But his ego was crushed
When the toilet was flushed
And the payload still flowed down the stairs.
The model was putting on airs,
Brushing lint, painting lips, plucking hairs
In attempt to perfect
Any trace of neglect
And then realized nobody cares.
A golfer was putting on airs
As he played with three old millionaires
Who made up his foursome
‘Til one wrenched his dorsum
And then the two others wrenched theirs.
A golfer was putting on airs
‘Cause he and his wife balled like hares.
If his children lay down
Head to toe on the groun’
Of the green he’d be putting on heirs.
A gadfly was putting on airs
As he put in place each of his hairs
He was blind–had no clue–
That three hairs wouldn’t do!
3-haired combover cute? It just scares!
An ex-con was putting on airs
“I had A/C, heat, bed and three squares.
It was the time of my life
But don’t tell my wife
She thinks the loot’ll still go to my heirs.”
The big dog was putting on airs
He thought as Alpha dog he had no cares
But the little dog knew
He had the best deal of the crew
He alone had laps, sofas and chairs.
A balloonist was putting on airs
As he drifted off course, unawares
His hot air apparatus
Was nearing the stratus;
Fear caused him to shoot off some flares.
A fellow wasp putting on airs
Told me, “Bees are insufferable squares!
Such plodding collectors
Of pollens and nectars!
And those abdomens—covered in hairs!”
A fellow WASP putting on airs
Told me, “Our genes are better than theirs.
Even playing it solo,
We’d still beat them at polo.
And our offspring are all millionaires.”
A fellow was putting on Airs,
But his wife flashed disparaging stares.
“Get the shoes if you like,
But you won’t play like Mike
Even if you buy fifty-nine pairs!”
A fellow was putting on airs,
Ignoring his present scares,
when a ghost decided to join him
paralysis overtook each his limbs
to which the ghost said, “it’s not polite to stare”
A fellow was putting on airs
about the net worth of his shares,
but his stock in trade slipped
when the whole NASDAQ dipped,
the bull market cowed by the bears.
(Hi Mad – thanks for your kind comments on my blog.) K.
a fellow was putting on airs
to the gals who lined up in pairs
they laughed and scoffed
and blew him off
because of his long nose hairs
The airlines were putting on airs
That theirs were the lowest of fares.
They’d undercut, slash,
And lowball, and … crash!
They’d cut the expense of repairs.
A seamstress was putting on airs:
“Certain ‘courtesies’ come with my wares.
And though my incisors,
Are as sharp as my scissors,
If I bite, I don’t charge for repairs.”
A con man was putting on airs,
Hiring butlers, chauffeurs, and au pairs.
Living large was a ball
Till the Don made a call.
Now it’s shoes of cement that he wears.
oops this is better, sorry:
A seamstress was putting on airs:
“Certain ‘courtesies’ come with my wares.
And though my incisors
Are as sharp as my scissors,
I don’t charge (if I slip) for repairs.”
An attorney was putting on airs
To impress his new right-wing confrères:
“Screw the ACLU!
I’m preparing to sue
In high court for my right to arm bears!”
A nudist while putting on airs
Said ” I know I get plenty of stares
But my curves are all sweet
Neat and complete
And it proves ” man is not what he wears”
A vice-consul was putting on airs
For the embassy’s chargé d’affaires:
“I’ve taught presidents, kings,
And prime ministers things–
And the pope? He tells ME all his prayers!”
A peeress was putting on airs
Naming nobles who’d sampled her wares.
“I’ve had dozens of earls,
Lords and dukes give me whirls,
And can’t count all my baron affairs!”
You think Romney is putting on airs
With five houses, six Caddies, eight mares?
It’s a difficult life
Choosing gifts for the wife
That impress other half-billionaires.
Okay, last one:
They impeached him for putting on airs
With his cherry and lemon éclairs.
Hauled to court, the chef pressed
His plum crazy request
For a jury made up of his pears.
A woman was putting on airs
then she started having affairs
her husband said “Hey,
I’ll divorce you one day
unless you give me some heirs”
LOL I tried!
The Supreme Court is putting on airs.
They shrug: “Health care? Who cares?
We’ve got ours for life,
for ourselves, the bosses, and even the wife.
Besides, we’re just in it for corporate shares.”
A fellow was putting on airs
Recounting his recent affairs
Three guys and a gal
And his very best pal,
Man’s best friend, his beagle. Who cares?
A woman was putting on airs
got lost between red and black chairs
but wasn’t concerned
cause what she had learned
was dancing from three yellow bears
A fellow was putting on airs
Using funny French words like “cochere”s
But the guys at the stable
Were more or less able
To figure they weren’t his confreres.
A fellow was putting on airs
Displaying his five etageres.
Said Paddy (or Mike?)
Hey, what-not’s to like.
Which only got him rueful stares.
A fellow was putting on airs
Pretending he knew billionaires.
But the billionaires said
If you’re speaking of Fred
If we know him, it is unawares.
Jan Brewer is putting on airs.
It’s a win for the states, she declares!
The republican style
(Ignore facts with a smile)
Suits this queen of right-wing derrieres.
Two old-timers putting on airs:
“My pecker’s beyond all repairs!”
Says one. And the other:
” ‘Tain’t nuthin’, ole brother—
My ball-drop could rank with Time’s Square’s!”
A woman was putting on airs
At the beach, clad in minuscule wares.
Said her friends, “You’d best mind
How you look from behind.
Of that vista, we’ve extra-large shares.”
A fellow was putting on airs
Of his grasp of Eurasian affairs.
Sure enough, by and by,
A slip gave the lie
When he said not “the Steppe” but “the Stairs.”
At my CD player, “putting on airs”,
I muse, “With Nat Cole, who compares?”
And my fave? Without fail
I say, ” “A Nightingale
Sang in Berkeley Square” ‘s.”
A working girl putting on airs
Of her rough aviation-themed wares
Said she may do some damage
In the handling of baggage
And her pat-down’s as rude as O’Hare’s.
I’d only be putting on airs
To hope that my lim’rick compares
To Doyle or Mad Kane
That would be insane.
Admire the person who dares.
But since it’s a contest I’ll share
Opinions (should anyone care)
I think that Doyle’s won
His rhymes are more fun
He’s beaten us all fair and square.
A playboy is putting on airs
For a chick, “Check the size of my wares…,”
When his schnauzer thinks “snack,”
Leaves the room, and brings back
An inflatable doll from upstairs.
Fun stuff, as always Mad. Enjoyed reading everyone’s offerings.
Catherine the Great put on airs
And she had quite eccentric affairs.
She used horses, they say
For a roll in the hay
(But had no use at all for the mares.)
Bugs Bunny liked putting on airs
By performing the strangest of dares.
One hilarious scene’s
Got him scarfing down beans
At a banquet, then pooting on hares.
A surgeon is putting on airs
At a party by pointing to pairs
Of celebrities’ breasts
He constructed, then jests,
“I’ve ass-embled a few derrieres.”
A Brazilian is putting on airs
With the teeny bikini she wears.
It consists of small patches
And strings, but the catch is
We simply can’t see any hairs.
Mitt Romney was putting on airs
Of compassion, of someone who cares.
But all his opinions
Not devised by his minions
Issued forth as quite opposite pairs.
Goldilocks took to putting on airs
That they censored that tale with the bears,
That the porridge was wasted
(That is, NOT what she “tasted”),
That she sat in their laps, not their chairs.
Is Tim Tebow now putting on airs
With his heralded gridiron prayers?
Genuflection would seem
Just a wee bit extreme
When you’re running from Lions and Bears.
Fair and balanced means putting on Ayers,
Alinsky, and Soros as players
Controlling the Prez–
What he does, what he says.
A pox on the Fox News purveyors!
A contralto is singing an air—
A castrato, dumb struck, doth declare:
“That voice cleaves my heart!”
Says she, getting smart:
“When they ‘cleaved’ you, they gave me the pair.”
Since Mitt has been putting on airs
At dressage shows, a rival declares,
“It’s time we start ragging
On Romney by bragging
Our horses are shagging his mares.”
a tweak for maximal punnage:
A contralto is singing an air—
A castrato doth yearn and declare:
“That clef cleaves my heart!”
Says she, getting smart:
“When they ‘cleft’ you, they gave me the pair.”
Aussie partnership putting on airs
Bottling roo poo goo to cover grey hairs
But it’s not for the money
Shares have gone down the dunny
We’re doing it just cos we cares.
A pro bowler was putting on airs:
“I love women – alone or in pairs.
When I see one I like
I can score with one strike,
And I’m quite good at picking up spares.”
The two-headed Glörnian airs
His complaint, but it seems no-one cares:
“This commuting to Earth –
What on Glörn could be worthe?
It’s a pain in my three derrières!”
The daredevil put on such airs:
“This attempt is unique! None compares!”
But with his final breath,
As he fell to his death,
Said “I see now why no-one else dares.”
A variation:
The daredevil put on such airs:
“This attempt is unique! None compares!”
As he fell to his death
He said “I must confeth
I can see now why no-one else dares.”
My apologies to Chief Justice John
whom I had suggested might just be a pawn
of corporate avarice and greed
and oblivious to human need.
“Welcome to the world of being un personne.”
I don’t mean to be putting on airs
But my girlfriend loves sexual dares.
To her whims I will cater
On an up escalator,
And then she’ll go down by the stairs.
Okay, a little raunch:
A porn star is putting on airs
Doing chicks not in singles, but pairs.
Trying triplets, he drains
Both his balls and complains,
“Men don’t come with a couple of spares.”
I’m not very good with limericks… shoot.
I’ll come back and play!
The Mayoral Cycle
1. Wasilla Disruption
In Wasilla a moose-suit stops Ayers
And seductively struts and declares:
“Field-dress THIS, ‘Underground’—
Let’s go ‘palling around’!”
That voice he can place: the ex-mayor’s.
2. NYC Corruption
The smoke-filled room’s rife with their airs—
The crooks and the pols flaunting “theirs.”
A commish flashes 8,
A don 16 … wait …
That 32-ouncer? The mayor’s.
A woman was putting on airs
As she was climbing the stairs
She said she had a great body
And oh boy, was she rowdy
And when she fell, she saw that no one cares.
A woman was putting on airs.
You can tell by how little she wears.
She’s a pretty young lass,
With a shapely bare ass.
Not surprising it’s garnered those stares.
A woman was putting on airs,
As she peddled her body at fairs,
Drawing lots of attention
From all of the menschen,
As each tried to sample her wares.
A hooker was putting on airs.
She so loved all the ardor and stares.
For the men she would wiggle,
Smile sweetly and giggle,
As she lead her “Johns” up those steep stairs.
Mister Romneycare’s putting on airs.
One might ask how the hypocrite dares
To pretend to cast blame —
What a GOP game
Of political musical chairs.
A woman was putting on airs
At society ballroom affairs:
“I’m seeing a gent
From the point-one percent;
It’s beneath me to date millionaires.”
A fellow was putting on airs
Concerning his foreign affairs:
“It’s contemptible slander
To say I’d philander
With nannies, instead of au pairs.”
A princess was putting on airs
In the matter of household affairs:
“It’s ‘having one’s way
Sur le grand escalier,’
And not ‘going down on the stairs.'”
A tall guy is putting on airs:
“The women who kiss me pay fares,
But to give me a tickle
Is only a nickel
‘Cuz my balls drop as low as Time’s Square’s.”
Thanks so much everyone for a great week of limericks! This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, The Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 68.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick ‘Tude.
A woman putting on airs
thinking that she could win fairs
she went to a show
for a gay charity bow
and got really terrible stares