Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FRANK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using FRANK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write a BEVERAGE-themed limerick, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BEVERAGE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 7, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 6, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A fellow was munching a frank
While standing on line at the bank,
When a woman beside him
Decided to chide him:
“Quite frankly, your manners are rank.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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131 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FRANK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. Marty Gerendasy says:

    After leaving the office, I drank
    A cold beer with a big jumbo frank.
    But when looking for mustard,
    I could only find custard.
    Was that someone’s idea of a prank?

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    The hooker was French as the franc,
    And she worked on the Paris Left Bank.
    Though her English was rough,
    I could follow enough:
    “Does monsieur want ze phoque ou ze ouanque?”

  3. Diane Groothuis says:

    I once knew a fellow named Frank,
    Whose armpits were terribly rank.
    Didn’t use soap and water
    As much as he oughta
    So to put it politely he stank.

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    Said the Colonel “Now, let me be frank;
    A blowjob is due to my rank.”
    So the female cadet
    Sucked his stiff ‘bayonet’,
    But the charge in his weapon was blank.

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    He was not very bright; to be frank,
    The robber was thick as a plank.
    “Hand it over, ya schmuck!
    … Thirty pints? What the fuck?”
    He had chosen to rob a blood bank.

  6. Ian Graham says:

    Bella’s new feller, named Frank,
    Took her down to his cellar so dank.
    As they sloshed through a puddle
    She said, “Don’t wanna cuddle
    But it’s just the right place for a spank.”

  7. Ian Graham says:

    My couch at our local blood bank
    Was next to a vampire named Frank.
    While I pumped my blood in
    Through a tube long and thin,
    Frank, frankly, just lay and drank.

  8. Ian Graham says:

    Tomorrow is Burns Night. I’ll thank
    My hosts tae serve guid auld Scots drank.
    To pen odes so frisky,
    Burns needed whisky.
    And so do I, to be frank.

  9. Mark Kane says:

    Women vary a lot, let’s be frank.
    We know some who are built like a tank,
    And they love their sex rough,
    but won’t take no guff!
    (For them I’d suggest you don’t spank)

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    The Captain said “Let me be frank:
    This iceberg’s the size of Mont Blanc,
    And we haven’t a plug
    Big enough to … glug, glug …”
    His speech was cut short as they sank.

  11. Judith H. Block says:

    The whore said she had to be frank
    Her memory had drawn a blank
    Was it Tom, Dick, or Harry
    Who asked her to marry?
    She had to know which one to thank.

  12. Diane Groothuis says:

    A woman who never drank wine
    Said “Your lips will never touch mine
    If you’re wanting a kiss
    You can lay off the piss”
    He said “Yes but there’s no need to whine”

  13. Brian Allgar says:

    “I’m not feeling too good. To be frank,
    It musta been something I drank.”
    “How much?” asked the doc.
    Her reply was a shock:
    “Fifty fellers – I’d say a sperm bank.”


  14. Brian Allgar says:

    My doctor had told me I oughta
    Drink less. Well, I’m fond of a snorter,
    Of rum, whisky, brandy,
    Whatever is handy –
    To please him, I stopped drinking water.

  15. The inspector said, “Let me be frank…”
    So I pushed him straight off of the plank,
    And when he fell in
    To the sausage-meat bin,
    I obligingly started to crank.

  16. A Confederate soldier named Frank
    Abandoned his post for a wank.
    They cut off his dick
    And court-martialed him quick —
    A Rebel, undone by a yank.

  17. Chris O'Carroll says:

    Good morning! I’m calling to thank
    You for last night. The wine that we drank
    Was first rate. Also great
    Was your pie, which I ate
    While your mouth made a feast of my frank.

  18. Chris O'Carroll says:

    At the sperm bank, a donor named Frank
    Exclaimed, “Ladies, there’s no need to thank
    Me for spilling this seed.
    It’s my pleasure indeed.
    You are all in my thoughts as I wank.”

  19. Brian Allgar says:

    When people say “May I be frank?”,
    They’re usually planning to shank
    You with cutting remarks
    While grinning like sharks.
    “You may not” is the way to outflank.

  20. To me there was only one Frank
    All the others he did outrank
    Not caring what others thought
    But never overwrought
    Sinatra was King of the Swank

  21. My darling husband Frank
    Always fills the gas tank
    But to prove I knew how
    I managed somehow
    To inundate our car till it stank

  22. Dave Johnson says:

    A hot-dogging skier named Frank
    Had relished to race with his rank.
    Playing catch-up all day,
    “I mustered” he’d say
    Then freezing his buns off, he drank.

  23. The happiest Brooklyn dream
    Concerns a drink that reigns supreme
    It must have real seltzer
    You’ll probably belch, Sir
    But you’ll love our chocolate egg cream

  24. Judith H. Block says:


    She lived on the Paris Left Bank
    Sold artworks for many a franc
    She had a great life,
    No worries or strife
    And enjoyed the fine wines she drank.

  25. I’ve had 2 husbands named Frank
    Number one passed out when he drank
    The second was good looking
    And great at cooking
    But he robbed the Wells Fargo Bank

  26. Judith H. Block says:

    Oops- THIS is the revised one:

    She did love the Nathan’s great frank
    But was picky about what she drank
    Though ate Nathan’s French fries
    She would not compromise
    Washed them down with a sauvignon blanc.

  27. Michael Fine says:

    Sammy once said to his boy Frank
    Some day your career just might tank
    So when you’re a led zeppy
    Don’t worry your keppy
    This mensch will always be your bank!

  28. Albert Einstein’s kid brother, named Frank,
    Wed a girl who was dumb as a plank.
    For Al’s theory sublime
    Of “slow relative time”,
    We’ve the Bride of Frank Einstein to thank.


    Mrs. Furter, I need to be frank:
    Your kid is a pain in the (blank).
    He’s really a brat —
    Wurst that I ever sat!
    (Never sausage a case for a spank.)

  30. Judith H. Block says:

    In this country, I have to be frank
    Most voting is just a big prank
    BIg business runs all
    It’s always their call
    We’re run by a fascist Think Tank.

  31. P Diane Schneider says:

    A poor fellow went to the bank
    His finances were in the tank
    His wallet in tatters
    The debt really matters
    And all due to what old Frank drank

  32. P Diane Schneider says:

    The cellar was so dark and dank
    But that didn’t matter to Frank
    His hiding place there
    Was his private lair
    (Just needed to yank on the wank)

  33. P Diane Schneider says:

    They pondered when his bar tab shrank
    And said “Now what’s up with ol’ Frank?”
    He still likes to drink
    But now there’s a kink
    The tab’s being paid for by Hank!

  34. P Diane Schneider says:

    While sitting around in his tank
    He took full advantage of rank
    Supervising the crew
    He sipped on a brew
    One just had to hand it to Frank

  35. Tanja Cilia says:

    Said the clerk at the office “How dank
    Was the restroom at Guido’s; it stank
    All the gangsters did pee
    With such fiendish glee
    And the air was so rancid and rank.”

  36. Allen Wilcox says:

    “I guess that I’ll have to be frank.
    I didn’t control what I drank.
    A cartoonist by trade,
    I can’t work. I’m afraid.
    I try, but I just draw a blank.”

  37. Brian Allgar says:

    Despite his pontifical rank,
    He felt stirrings of lust – to be frank,
    There was one pretty nun
    Crying out to be done,
    And the thought made him stiff as a plank.

    ’Neath his cassock, his hand rose and sank
    As he furtively played with his frank.
    But the nun said “I saw you!
    Let me do it for you –
    I’m skilled at the Vatican Wank.”

  38. Tim James says:

    We’ve our casual customs to thank
    For the nicknames of people of rank.
    Jeb, Ted, Bernie? They’re fine,
    But I draw a firm line
    At calling the Pontiff “Pope Frank.”

  39. (Do undrinkable beverages count?)

    If the Bundys continue their stint,
    I think we should give them a hint
    About deregulation:
    Cut off their hydration,
    And make them drink water from Flint.

  40. Sang the poets: When Charlemagne drank,
    His armor fell off with a clank,
    Revealing (they sang)
    His magnificent wang…
    (Charlemagne was the first Cock-Tale Frank).

  41. (OOC, for obvious reasons)

    “Your student got wasted on plonk
    And gave me a punch up the conk,”
    Ambroise Thomas spat;
    “What do you think of that?”
    “Why, I think that’s just D’Indy,” sighed Franck.

    (NOTE: Ambroise Thomas was director of the Paris Conservatoire when César Franck taught composition to Vincent D’Indy. This behavior is a little out of character for all three of them.)


    With girls, I’ve always had luck
    Except for Polly Gluck
    When out on a date
    She ordered a “Seven and Eight”
    The waiter charged us an extra buck

  43. Dave Johnson says:

    “This Chardonnay’s lovely with pork.”
    He said as he fondled the cork.
    She gave him a smile
    But thought all the while
    “Just pour it and don’t be a dork.”

  44. Dave Johnson says:

    We bought a new juicer, so sleek and sublime
    That’ll squish all our veggies to drink at one time.
    It renders a brew
    Quite unique through and through
    Like parsley, sage, rosemary and slime.

  45. Judith H. Block says:

    When some lucky women are frank
    The best lover ever’s his rank
    He’s quite beguiling
    Now they’re always smiling.
    They all have this hot guy to thank.

  46. Dave Johnson says:

    (Not a true limerick, but just for laughs)

    The bartender, Sam, said “I’m sorry Ma’am,
    But I cannot serve you another.”
    The lady was pissed;
    She stood up and hissed
    Three words, starting out with “You mother…”

  47. Val Fish says:

    Whilst making deposits at the bank
    A fellow donor asked of Frank
    ‘Have you come far?’
    ‘No, just in this jar
    But is sure was one hell of a wank’

  48. Bob Dvorak says:

    At art I’m not even mid-rank,
    But it calms me, if I may be frank.
    My brain today? Dead,
    And my pencil? No lead.
    In the end, I keep drawing a blank.

  49. Stephen B. Fleming says:

    Attempting a credible rank
    Of names for me I should thank
    Both Sinatra and Anne
    Of Zappa I’m a fan.
    But Lloyd Wright’s my choice, if I’m Frank.

  50. Marty Gerendasy says:

    If I may be perfectly frank,
    Our good captain should give up his rank.
    For the last time we sailed
    His directions all failed
    And the ship nearly capsized and sank.

  51. yt cai says:

    Aaron used a first name of Hank
    Howard was preceded by Frank
    Not quite misnomers
    These hitters of homers
    Ever clubbed a roundtrip as a Yank

  52. My week day sweetheart was Frank
    My week end beau was Hank
    They both were striking
    And I enjoyed deceptively liking
    My unique and ingenious prank

  53. Dave Johnson says:

    To Costco my wife had sent me;
    For mouthwash and boxes of tea.
    Although I was enthused,
    She wasn’t amused
    When I brought home that big-ass TV.

  54. Dave Johnson says:

    If you’re drinking and driving you might
    Observe an unfortunate sight.
    A glare in the mirror
    Becoming much clearer
    With the flashing red and blue light.

  55. We had a senator named Frank
    And a crooner who was stylish and swank
    Shaquille and “The Boss”
    Have glitter and gloss
    The Garden State: forever first rank


    Some say that the cosmic design
    Will perish by beer; some say wine.
    From what I know of beer,
    It’s sufficient — that’s clear.
    But I’ve got enough wine. So that’s fine.

  57. WHISKEY vs WHISKY (a dialog)

    “Your Scotch and our sweet Irish dew
    Are quite diff’rent; now, isn’t that true?”

    “Aye; peat in the malt.”

    “So, and that’s where’s the fault?
    For it tastes like ye shat in it, too!”

  58. Whoops! wrote mine on previous limerick page. See there MAD please

  59. On the hour, every Brit sips his tea
    On land, in the air, or at sea
    Be it six, ten, or two
    down goes the Typhoo
    from the teapot ‘neath the cosy

    I wonder do they need to pee
    At seven, eleven and three
    When the toilets start flushing
    does the ocean start rushing
    Or is it the tide, well maybe!

  60. Mark Kane says:

    Trump’s asked to be perfectly frank.
    But why? (He’s just drawing a blank.)
    The whole ‘Art of the Deal’
    Is to keep it unreal,
    And his lies are what’s raising his rank.

  61. Tim James says:

    I was self-medicating ― six beers! ―
    ‘Cause Ms. Palin had moved me to tears.
    Brew’s my beverage of choice
    For that skull-splitting voice:
    I pour it straight into my ears.

  62. The sarge in the tank ate a frank
    Both the sarge and the tank smelled quite rank
    When their foe caught the smell
    They fired off a shell
    Now there’s one less in their rank

  63. I knew a man named Frank
    Who always, always stank
    I gave him some soap
    The kind on a rope
    The funeral’s at noon in Burbank

  64. Judith H. Block says:

    I realize and I must be frank
    My glasses? My mind drew a blank.
    It’s not a thick head.
    It’s the yummy wheat bread.
    Must give it up. SIGH! My heart sank.

  65. Kirk Miller says:

    A soda pop expert once said,
    “In Florida, things that I dread
    Are Pepsi and Coke.
    Their taste is a joke.
    I prefer Pennsacola instead.”

  66. Kirk Miller says:

    Quit my job at the plant. If you’re guessing
    Why I did it, I now am confessing
    That to crush soft drink cans
    Didn’t fit in my plans.
    And besides, it was soda pressing.

  67. Kirk Miller says:

    Coca-cola has seen the demand
    For its soft drinks drop lower than planned.
    The employees were told
    Of events to unfold:
    That a lot of them soon would be canned.

  68. Kirk Miller says:

    There’s a soft drink that people say stokes them.
    Don’t withhold The Real Thing; it provokes them.
    You should know that for sure
    They are easy to lure.
    All it takes is a bottle to Cokes them.

  69. Kirk Miller says:

    Class went to the Pepsi plant, ’tis
    The place where they saw lots of fizz.
    When they got back to school,
    Teacher acted un-cool
    By giving them all a pop quiz.

  70. We went to Long Island and had some tea
    Just Daisy, (the missus and me)
    First things got hazy
    Then I went crazy
    They don’t serve that drink here in Kankakee

  71. Mad:
    I put in too many syllables in the last limerick: Next try

    We went to Long Island and had tea
    Just Daisy (the missus and me)
    First things got hazy
    Then I went crazy
    They don’t serve that in Kankakee

  72. Sue Dulley says:

    There’s a drink that we used to call “Sherry”,
    It’s not a bad way to get merry,
    But wine law now says
    If it’s not from Jerez
    It’s “Apera” – is that foolish? Very!

  73. There was a young fellow named Frank
    Whose hair was both matted and lank.
    Those who ventured too near him
    Were driven to shear him,
    As, to put it politely, it stank.

    A woman who liked a good spank
    Was ugly, to be brutally frank,
    But the curve of her bum
    Was appealing to some
    And she improved, the more that they drank.

  74. David Reddekopp says:

    At Christmas, three jokesters to thank
    Who were planning on pulling this prank
    This year’s a bit stranger
    For there at the manger
    Are Mr. Gold, Murray, and Frank.

  75. David Reddekopp says:

    A fellow named Homer had woes
    Which he’d drown in his liquor at Moe’s
    Were his troubles so large
    That he couldn’t tell Marge?
    He’s a man of a million d’ohs.

  76. Jon Gearhart says:

    When Carly says, “Let me be Frank.”
    It isn’t just part of some prank.
    She’s in Iowa to grok us
    And prove she can caucus
    As well as the men of her rank!

  77. When I was young, we’d have a Coke
    We would dance the hop and always joke
    Now I’m old
    And truth be told
    I tried it again and had a stroke

  78. scott says:

    the tripe and the beef lips both stank
    the slurry was runny and rank
    though that’s what he ate
    then drank some phosphate
    and soon he will poop out a frank

  79. Dave Johnson says:

    If Donald Trump won an Oscar:

    “To be honest and perfectly frank,
    There’s nobody here I should thank.
    My director can boast
    He wasn’t the most
    Intelligent sperm in the bank.”

  80. Dave Johnson says:

    Mad, the line above should read “If Donald Trump won an Oscar”

    (From MBK: Fixed.)

  81. Dave Johnson says:

    Oktoberfest weekend was here,
    With music and lots of good beer.
    But some who had chosen
    To wear lederhosen
    Ate too many brats, it is clear.

  82. Paul Christofersen says:

    Now let us be perfectly frank,
    if you’re looking for girls to spank,
    whatever you call them
    as you overhaul them,
    it’s you who is really the skank…

  83. Tom Willard says:

    I once met the actor LeBlanc
    while standing in line at the bank.
    He was carrying a cat
    which made me say, “Matt,
    your pussy smells kind of dank.”

  84. Fred Bortz says:

    A Congressman named Barney Frank
    Said, “Enough! You can’t screw us, Big Bank!”
    So he and Chris Dodd
    Joined together, by God,
    And they crafted an act of first rank.

    Slings and arrows came from their right flank,
    All the cranks soon declared the bill stank.
    But Barney just laughed.
    “Next time you’ll get the shaft
    As the door of your jail cell goes clank.”

    Alas, AIG schemer Hank
    (Mr. Greenberg) avoided the tank.
    To us it’s unnerving
    That one so deserving
    Goes free when he shoulda been sank.

  85. Kath Whitehead says:

    There was an old man called Frank
    Whose breath was terribly rank
    He ate flies with blue cheese
    Frogs legs with fleas
    So now you can see why it stank!

  86. Judith H. Block says:

    I can’t have wine, beer, or hard booze
    Juice and coffee, I have to refuse.
    I’ll do what I oughta
    And stick to clean wata.
    Must do this; it’s not what I choose.

  87. Fred Bortz says:

    Little Miss Muffet was frank.
    “Was that curds and whey that I drank?”
    I replied “Open wider.
    You’re drinking bee cider.
    And don’t say, ‘It’s tough’-it’s a prank!”

  88. Kirk Miller says:

    I know of a ship maker, Frank,
    Who applied for a loan at the bank.
    He was too far in debt.
    Loan’s denied. You can bet
    That his ship building company sank.

  89. Teenagers like to drink stuff that’s green
    They always think it’s really keen
    It gives them zest
    To thoroughly ingest
    A beverage that’s mostly filled with caffeine

  90. Suzanne Heymann says:

    “Here’s my finger, kids, give it a yank!”
    Said old mischievous fun Uncle Frank
    His hole must be nappin’
    ‘Cause nothing would happen
    When one kid did give it a crank.

    “Again!” he said, squeezing his flank
    But it backfired, this favorite prank
    ‘Cause he let down his guard
    As he pushed way too hard
    Oh that liquid fart sure as hell stank!

    The kids screamed, his mind was a blank
    Now his status as clown’s in the tank
    His Fruit of the Loom
    Has met up with its doom
    He had no one but himself to thank.

    That prank that sank poor Uncle Frank
    Just drove him to drink, so he drank
    He just can’t redeem
    His beleaguered esteem
    As his diaper hangs down to his shank.

  91. Suzanne Heymann says:

    An outlaw named James, first name Frank
    Walked nervously into a bank
    And instead of a gun
    He had pulled out a bun
    And his chances for wealth quickly shrank.

  92. Suzanne Heymann says:

    “‘Tween your buns let me place this big frank”
    Said the old hot dog vendor who stank
    (I know what you’re thinking
    Your ethics are shrinking)
    She paid him two bucks with a thank.

  93. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A big, half-ton sailor named Frank
    Stank so bad, so was told, “Walk the plank!”
    When he got to the edge
    He got stuck in a wedge
    The ship tipped, took on water and sank.

  94. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Jack and Jill up the hill’s riverbank
    Jill had tripped, her skirt ripped past her flank
    Well, down fell Jack’s jaw
    When her tushy he saw
    His pants dropped and out popped his l’il frank.

  95. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Jack and Jill up the still to get whiskey
    Jill fell down, ripped her gown, Jack got frisky
    Laid a hand on her breast
    So she kicked in his chest
    Stupid boy, should have known it was risky.

  96. Phil Graham says:

    A thirsty young rascal named Wilson,
    Ran up a large tab drinking Pilsen
    When he got up to leave
    The barkeep grabbed his sleeve,
    “You’re not leaving ’til you’ve paid your bill, son.”

    ~ Obviously he was trying to walk the Czech ~

  97. Phil Graham says:

    The corn dog would probably rank
    As my fav’rite fair food. You can bank
    On its growing much fatter
    Once cooked in that batter —
    An uncircumcised Nathan’s frank!

  98. Phil Graham says:

    There once was a time Pinot Noir
    Was the premier red grape of the Loire
    But for years it’s been known
    As the best of Bourgogne
    And I think I will drink some ce soir.

  99. OOPS!

    Uncle Joe possessed much intelligence
    One could even call him elegant
    But when he had too much booze
    He undressed and took a snooze
    But was released on “insufficient evidence”

  100. Phil Graham says:

    A crazed drunken driver named Alice,
    Sipped much green liqueur from a chalice
    And while in her stupor
    She killed a state trooper
    Her lawyer pled, “Absinthe of malice.”

  101. Phil Graham says:

    A pornography writer named Dot’ll
    Agonize over each tit and jottle
    She will quit for a smoke,
    Drink a cold twelve ounce Coke
    And then diddle herself with the bottle.

  102. Phil Graham says:

    There once was a fellow named Neal
    Whose stomach was huge, made of steel
    He could drink so much Yuengling
    The brothers named Ringling
    Hired Neal for his sideshow appeal.

  103. Suzanne Heymann says:

    After drinking a bottle of Bailey’s
    Saw a comet, I swear it was Halley’s.
    Saw the man in the moon
    And some snowflakes in June
    And some cats playing small ukuleles.

    But when I had some tonic and gin
    You approached me just wearing a grin
    As I suddenly coughed
    All my clothes just fell off
    Oh my gosh! I’ve been destined to sin!

    After that, we both had us some beer
    Then you bit at the lobe of my ear
    A hole did ensue
    And much smaller I grew
    As I flew in the blue atmosphere.

  104. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Social workers will tell you, “Don’t spank!
    It is cruel to the child, let’s be frank!”
    But what they need to learn
    Is that’s how children turn
    All the tables, take power and rank.

  105. Perry Plouff says:

    . . . Dear Madeleine, let me be frank.
    I wrote out some poems and they stank.
    I just can’t complete
    This poetical feat
    In a manner which doesn’t turn rank.

  106. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Jack and Jill up the hill to fetch water
    Jill would yearn just to learn what Jack taught her
    What is taking so long?
    It’s been nine months; what’s wrong?
    Oh look! HERE they come with their new daughter!

  107. Val Fish says:

    I can remember back in the day
    Coffee was simply black or au lait
    Now we’ve choices galore
    Deciding’s a chore
    Just give me a plain cup of café!

  108. When I think of my marriage to Frank
    I tend to draw a blank
    Our sex was a joke
    He’d give me a poke
    And say, “Darling, just give it a yank”

  109. My folks named me Francis
    And that really stank
    The kids called me Sissy
    And some called me Missy
    Now that I’m forty, I changed it to Frank

  110. If you take some orange juice and Mountain Dew
    And mix it together through and through
    You’ll have an interesting drink
    And be tickled pink
    It’s actually called a “Comfortable Screw”

  111. Yoo-Hoo is always tasty to drink
    It always seems to make you think
    Of when life was fun
    And your homework was done
    And no one went to see a shrink

  112. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The four major food groups to choose
    Which would have the best raving reviews
    Would be barbecued meat
    Used by fingers to eat
    Then comes chocolate, then pasta, then booze!

  113. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I heard Alcoholics Anonymous
    Has its clients no longer synonymous
    With ‘addict,’ ‘drunk,’ ‘boozer’
    Or ‘wino,’ or ‘loser’
    Don’t see them as being so ominous.

    The courage it takes to admit
    Means you WANT change and do give a shit
    The pow’r to possess
    A return to success
    Always has been within you! Don’t quit!

  114. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Ev’ry day, I drink juice from a fruit
    All the benefits, you can’t dispute
    Since then my number two
    Is a smooth-flowing poo
    And it helps hearts, fights cancer, to boot.

  115. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A wino who slept on a bench
    Just reeked with a terrible stench
    He dreamt he did hassle
    A maid in the castle
    And roared, “Fetch me wine now, you wench!”

    Grabbed her bottom and sloshed her a kiss
    And he pressed for her chest, but he’d miss
    She splashed wine in his face
    Put the bum in his place
    But he woke to the stream of dog piss.

  116. Tim James says:

    For a woman, the label is “skank”
    If not “slut”, “whore” or [fill in the blank].
    If a man sleeps around
    He hears no worse than “hound.”
    Double standards shame Fran but not Frank.

  117. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I know you might remember this one from a past contest, but it’s too relevant (BEVERAGE) to stay buried. Besides, it never won – it sank like a frank in a tank, so I’ll just bring it to the surface one last time…

    For insomnia there is a cure
    Of that I am perfectly sure
    Unconscious, unstable
    I’m under the table
    Just after two shots of liqueur.

    I get sleepy and lose all my spunk
    And my friends all call me a cheap drunk
    I would if I could
    Stay awake like I should
    But my good reputation is sunk.


    If you take some tequila and Mountain Dew
    And mix it together through and through
    You’ll get an interesting drink
    And be tickled pink
    It is commonly known as “Comfortable Screw”

  119. When you dine
    You must have some wine
    It will help you de-stress
    So you couldn’t care less
    That your date is completely asinine

  120. David Reddekopp says:

    I am not one of those alcoholics
    If you hear I drink beer, then it’s bollocks
    I still go to the bar
    Spy on women who are
    And take home one who’s frisky and frolics.

  121. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Well that frisky l’il hot alcoholic
    Her pumping is pretty hydraulic
    And when all the fun
    Is finally done
    She’ll go home and you’ll be melancholic.

  122. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A francophone fellow named Frank
    Loved French cuisine; French wine he drank
    To his lover he’d play
    The piano all day
    Playing “Leaves on the Seine” riverbank.

  123. My wife is quite a looker
    And also a very good cooker
    At night me and Rosita
    Have rum with Margarita
    A drink known as “Mexican Hooker”

  124. Mad I think it sounds better as THE Mexican Hooker

    Adding the word “The” ?

    From MBK: No, you don’t have room for that extra syllable.

  125. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A predator, evil and psyched
    Gave the poor girl a drink that was spiked
    Pretty soon there was trouble
    When she would see double
    “I met you two once when we hiked!”

    She didn’t get giddy or sleepy
    One moment all smiles, the next weepy
    She’d scream, then she’d laugh
    Rip her beef frank in half
    So he left. She was acting too creepy.

  126. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Our children are looking divine.
    ‘Neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
    But the rabbi looks stressed
    As I make this request:
    “Has Your Holiness more of this wine?”

  127. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I was white-water rafting with Frank
    (That rich asshole I married who drank).
    Well, he drowned when we flipped;
    My composure just slipped,
    Cuz I laughed all the way to the bank.

  128. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Some might say I had gone a bit far
    When I crashed through the door in my car,
    Hit the wall with a thud,
    And demanded more Bud:
    My drunkenness razes the bar.

  129. Suzanne Heymann says:

    You might need a dictionary while reading this, or better yet, just google and click, ‘Manias’

    A male aphrodisiomaniac
    Was searching for what? Nymphomaniac!
    But she drank like a fish
    It was never his wish
    To be stuck with a drunk dipsomaniac.

    So he prayed for a new andromaniac
    You know, something like cytheromaniac
    Well, he got one all right
    But she preached through the night
    He had found a parousiamaniac.

    His next catch — a choreomaniac
    Though he thought she was ecdemomaniac
    She was dancing and hopping
    And bippity bopping
    She’d dance without stopping, away off track.

    Now next he hoped — edeomaniac
    But no! Just a damn oenomaniac
    She’d drink only wine
    From midnight to nine
    He’ll become erotodromomaniac.

    So our unfulfilled satyromaniac
    Soon after, became lypemaniac
    His pickup skills are
    A big failure by far
    In the end, he was just chiromaniac.

  130. Allen Wilcox says:

    Infant screaming, wife weaning, his quest
    For peace and for quiet? – “We’re blessed
    I know, but the crying
    Makes me wish you’d stop trying.
    Don’t you think you could give it a breast?”

  131. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
    Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Beverage-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick-Off Award 245.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Tact.