Limerick Laps (Limerick-Off Monday:
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A gal who could not resist laps…*
or
A fellow had staged a collapse …*
or
A fellow would often swim laps…*
or
My memory’s suffered a lapse…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Laps
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow would often swim laps
While asleep, in the midst of his naps.
This quirk irked his wife,
Concerned for his life,
So he plunged into sleep-pool and craps.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Sleep & Insomnia Humor, Swimming Humor, Tags: Competition Limerick, Writing Prompts
Into deep coma sleep he will lapse
After waking at 5, so perhaps
He should go hit the head
Right that minute instead
Of him peeing at 6 while he naps.
I’m sorry, dear wife, for my lapse.
I forgot it’s our 49th. Crap’s
My name and I fear
If I repeat next year,
Our 50th theme will be TAPS!
A gal who could not resist laps
Was blamed for a number of flaps.
She’d grind down real slow,
Then as they let go,
She’d squeal and deliver her slaps.
The old timer of NASCAR ran laps
Setting records, but it’s time perhaps
His license expires.
It’s time he retires,
And I don’t mean his wheels need new caps!
When memory suffers a lapse
Its sometimes a good thing perhaps
When it comes to pain
There’s something to gain
With amnesia filling the gaps
Mad, please change L5 to his wheels, not has wheels!
(Note from Mad Kane: Done.)
A nudist who used to run laps,
Instead now just eats, naps and craps.
She might someday slim down,
But for now wears a gown,
Keeping jiggles and flaps under wraps.
If memory suffers a lapse
It may be related to naps
In Morpheus’ arms
While lost in his charms
One shall not be troubled by gaps
The student was running some laps
But should have been studying maps
Geography test
At teacher’s behest
Prohibited from using apps
I am tired, on the brink of collapse,
But my train of thought chugs on. Perhaps
If I just close my eyes,
I’ll get sleep that I’ll prize.
Either that–zzzzzzz (the writer now naps…)
A girl who loved sitting on laps
Was a tease who would tantalize chaps.
As she squirmed and she wriggled,
“What’s this, then?” she giggled,
“A gun in your trousers, perhaps?”
The priest had a fatal collapse
When he tripped on a mop in the apse,
Groaning, as he expired,
“I shouldn’t have hired
A cleaner whose name is Miss Hapse.”
A man on the verge of collapse
Asked advice from some medical chaps:
“Will I live through the night?”
They confounded his fright
With a calm, reassuring, “Perhaps.”
A fellow had staged a collapse
After losing at high stakes craps.
Then he begged from his bro
Said he needed more dough.
Next game he would win, well, perhaps.
A gal who could not resist laps
Soon took off all of her wraps
She walked with a strut
Really wiggled her butt
Then bumped to the point of collapse.
.
A gal who could not resist laps
Would bump to the point of collapse.
Tall, thin or plain fat
On all she just sat.
Till hours of the night would elapse.
My memory’s suffered a lapse,
‘ don’t tell this to just any chap…
If you only knew
How much I want you!
In your arms I want to collapse.
My memory’s suffered a lapse,
I’ll check all the tables, perhaps:
I can’t find my keys,
Someone help me, please!
It’s these blasted afternoon naps!
My memory’s suffered a lapse,
I don’t recall mentioning maps.
How did the feds know
Where I planned to go?
Is it NSA wiretaps?
My memory’s suffered a lapse
I really must stop those nightcaps!
Need more Omega 3s
Also Vitamin Bs
Can’t let any more time elapse!
The trumpeter suffers a lapse
While arguing with some old chaps
Surrounding the bier
And shedding a tear
So someone else starts playing “Taps.”
He was lost in the land of the Lapps,
For the bears had consumed all his maps
And were hungry for more, a
Tartare of explorer …
The search-party found only scraps.
His intentions had suffered a lapse;
He had sworn “Only water from taps”,
But that day, before nine,
He drank whisky and wine
Followed up by a bottle of schnapps.
She had an unfortunate lapse
While performing on one of her chaps.
He said “Do something rude”,
So she chomped and she chewed,
Reducing his manhood to scraps.
My memory’s suffered a lapse,
I made it with too many chaps!
Called out the wrong name
Just as the guy came.
Indeed, an ill-fated mishap.
Her memory managed a lapse
But then she would nearly collapse
From pain in the brain
Enduring the strain
(The effort forgetting the saps)
Please pardon my memory lapse
I don’t know what causes these gaps
I went in, to check
But now, what the heck?
My doctor just wants to give paps.
A gal could not resist doing laps,
Would run as she bugled her taps.
People smiled and began to cheer,
But eventually they started to leer,
As the wind caused her undies to flap!
A gal who could not resist laps
Would lap dance on 100 chaps.
Although making great tips
By wiggling those hips,
By the end of the night she’d collapse.
The gal who could not resist laps
Told men if they sat, there’d be mishaps.
As she couldn’t resist
Twisting her hips
Resulting in post pelvic prolapse.
For the gal who desired a lap,
A 12 step program seemed apt
She attended each day –
Laps Anonymous, hey,
It worked! There were no further re-laps.
The scaffold began to collapse
When broken was one of its straps
As he clung to a plank
All hope further shrank
When a bird undid his pants snaps
So why’d the cathedral collapse?
I’m afraid it’s a clear story, chaps:
Some knave with a phone
(For reasons unknown)
Attempted to download the apse.
I unburden myself of each lapse
(Like the time with the whip, and the straps)…
I awake with a jerk
To the hypnotist’s smirk,
As the audience hollers and claps.
Phil committed a terrible lapse,
And he lost all their money at craps.
Now she lives in a shack
That is starting to crack –
There are pieces of Phil in the gaps.
A fashion designer’s great lapse:
A “high concept” he’d kept under wraps.
Life can be so unfair!
Seems that no one would wear
Feather boas and tight assless chaps.
If you’ve fallen behind a few laps,
Take your time, catch your breath and perhaps
You’ll find strength in reserve
That’ll help you preserve
Your false hope you’re worth more than 2 craps
Together we’re facing co-laps.
Back on track with my team, seems perhaps
I should pick up the pace,
Thus relaying my race
Should rely less on 3 other saps.
As a miner, my work’s in a lapse.
I got laid off with 300 chaps.
Some damned EPA bloke
Has been out blowing smoke
And has caused a decrease in coal apps.
Two men’s love has grown stronger; no lapse
Of devotion in sight, so the chaps
Saw no use left in tarryin’
And today for they’re marryin’,
Lap of Tuxury has both under wraps!
On the verge of a total collapse,
She called in to some TV show chaps
‘Cause her pig of a hubby
Was porking the chubby
16-year-old sitter. The saps
All assured, “Your phone’s video app’s sure
To help collect evidence. Capture
Him doing the grrrrrrrr
Once with you, once with her.
Send the footage of him in full rapture.”
“This will help my position because?”
They said, “This’ll help focus on flaws
So that we can suggest
Which position is best
By which one gets the greatest applause!”
She dances astride many laps;
When she does it to me, something snaps.
With the friction down there
(Though I really don’t care)
She fries my last working synapse.
John’s memory suffered a vital lapse.
His happy days threatened to collapse.
Wife’s birthday forgotten,
Her mood now turned rotten.
This is what they call fear, perhaps.
When my memory suffers a lapse,
It’s the good times that fall through the gaps.
Though the bad times I’ve known
Are all graven in stone,
The remainder, I fear, is mere scraps.
Was this a slight mental collapse?
The call girl had bounced many laps
The new guy, was bearded
She was eerily weirded
Was it deja screw, perhaps?
The old hooker had a prolapse
She’d straddled just too many laps
They no longer play on
What she made her hay on
Vee jay jays all have their mishaps…
They laugh to the brink of collapse
When hookers tell tales of their saps:
Some hayseed, named Gentry,
All done before entry
“Newcomer’s” get all the bad raps!
My old Kindle has memory lapse.
It lacks space each few days since the saps
That designed it did not
Add a memory slot.
It grows tiring, this need to cull apps.
TRUE STORY: Last week in Utah, an elementary school teacher was injured by porcelain shrapnel when the gun she was concealed-carrying went off in the school toilet…
Utah school toilet shooting
A schoolteacher suffered a lapse
With the pistol she kept under wraps.
The gun went KABOOM
In the Little Girls’ Room
(Well, now… that’s what *I* call “shooting craps”!).
A gal who not resist laps
Met many undesirable saps
She then went to college
And with all her new knowledge
Teamed up with a great bunch of chaps
A gal who did laps (to do laps)
On the golf cocurse, avoiding the traps,
Strengthened her wiggling,
Not to mention her jiggling,
And stopped all of her customer’s naps.
The numbers refer to the “real” line order.
1. My memory’s suffered a lapse.
5. To recover I have to take naps.
4. I start feeling deranged.
3. The lines are exchanged.
2. I have limerick line order gaps.
A lost hiker who verged on collapse
(It’s likely he should have had maps.)
Remembered his phone,
And, no longer alone.
He was saved by his downloaaded apps.
My memory’s suffered a lapse,
and when I get better perhaps,
I’ll make love again,
although until then,
I’ll trade all my zippers for snaps.
My golf game has had a collapse
I hit into all of the traps
My best playing buddy
Is even more cruddy
And that’s why I like him, perhaps
A stripper had danced in the laps
Of lots of libidinous chaps;
Said she: “I’ll indulge
The occasional bulge,
As long as it’s kept under wraps.”
There once were some lanky old Lapps
Who ate what they caught in their traps;
They’d fry Finnish fritters
From all of those critters
And fashion the furs into caps.
In the mortgage financial collapse
There were many acquisitive chaps
In many a fraud,
And I’d certainly applaud
If some knuckles received a few raps.
There’s many an ethical lapse
That generates corporate flaps.
If one is astute
The thrill of pursuit
Will not make one walk into traps.
This Limerick-Off rhyme word was tougher than usual. So there were fewer than usual entries. Nonetheless, the winning limericks are really good:
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 181.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Lame Limerick.
Congrats, all and thanks Mad for another fun week!