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August 20, 2001

Dear Diary -- The nerva that GAO -- sendin me a letter demandin I turn over Dick's secret energy meetin records. They even threatened ta sue. Whose side are they on, anyway? Besides, it's not like Dick'd let me even if I wanted to.

I called him up justa doublecheck & he started rantin bout witch hunts. When I finally calmed him down he said trust me, ya don't want those records seein the lighta day. Kinda what I figured.

Then he told me bout Bill Clinton gettin a barrelfulla cash for his bio. More than 10 million. Damn that man! I asked Dick how much he thought I'd get fer my diary & I could swear I heard him laugh. But it turns out he was just havin one of his heart things & hadta hang up.

I wonder if I should call back & checkta see if he's okay. Nah, that fellas got 8 or 9 lives-- just like dogs.

August 22, 2001

Dear Diary -- Karl told me Gephard's tryin ta turn the People against me by sayin mean things with big words. Fer instance, that I support education & the military with my retoric, but not with my deeds. At first I got real upset -- I thought Gephard wanted me to give the government my ranch.

But Karl explained that retoric means talk & deeds sometimes means actions -- even though I'm supposeta be on a vacation from new words. He also said don't worry -- nobody else understands Gephard neither.

Speakena givin things away, a reporter tricked me into saying I'm givin my $600 refund ta charity. Then they tried to trick me smore by askin which charity & I couldn't remember any. But quick thinkin saved me -- I said I haven't picked a charity yet. Too bad bout that money though -- I had my eyes on a nice pair a slippers.

I wonder what I should do now. I was gonna fish but it's been so hot the fishin hole's vaporizin. I know -- I'll go visit the new cybercafe they opened in town. Maybe I'll even play a rounda Gameboy.

August 24, 2001

Dear Diary -- I'm in a real bad mood today! All I wanna do is fish, run, & watch Barney have a good ol time chasin armadillos. But instead I haveta leaf thru some a those damn whalin & Adams books that I'm supposeta be done readin, but haven't even started.

I can't believe I'm stuck doin this when I could be wanderin round lost, gettin back to my roots, communin with cows, or thinkin bout migration rules. But Ari says the liberal media's not gonna stop askin my opinion bout those books & I haveta come up with somethin better than they're interestin. Okay, how bout they aint interesting!

This is all Ari's fault fer tryin to make people think I'm a reader. I'm a doer -- an action kinda guy -- not a beach lyin, salt air suckin, whimpy reader like Clinton/Gore. The country had 8 years of pansy, whimp reader types runnin the country and look where it got em!

Which reminds me -- those damn Dems are tryin ta decredit me, sayin the disappearin surplus is all my fault. And that I'm invadin Gore's stupid lockbox. They're even talkin bout rollin back my tax cuts. No way! That's not happenin! Besides, I don't see why I should take the blame. I only just started bein President. Plus I've been vacationin away from the WH mosta my term. So when ya think bout it, I've only been President fer two months. Three tops!

I sure hope K & K come up with a plan to keep pinnin the economy problems on Clinton. Bill or Hillary -- I don't care which.

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