Posts Tagged ‘Sharon Neeman’
Saturday, April 29th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A baker tried hard to adjust
When his shop was about to go bust.
Just a smidgen of “herb”
Made his products superb.
Now he’s part of the town’s upper crust.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the COURT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
All week I interpret in court,
Which, believe me, is work and not sport —
But I’ll take my (slim) check
To the bakery. Heck!
Not just perps can enjoy a good tort(e)!
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.
Rose and Fern yearned to learn how to dance,
Yet they sat by the wall in a trance.
Said their mother, upset,
“Well, that’s what we get,
For naming our kids after plants.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Sue Dulley, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COURT-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I hope Trump isn’t limo’d, but bussed
Off to prison –not handcuffed, but trussed.
And when he complains
The Court will take pains
To give him more time to adjust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (JUST or UNJUST or ADJUST-RHYME DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
She pulled and she tugged and she fussed
And made efforts her blouse to adjust,
But the gap in her top
Caught the eye of a cop,
So her cleavage led right to her bust.
Sue Dulley:
My taxes are filed, only just!
They’ve been mailed and I now have to trust
They’ll be judged as correct
And no one will suspect
That I minussed when I should have plussed.
Jean McEwen:
If there’s one thing that gals find unjust,
It’s when guys, in the grip of their lust,
Think they’ve God-given passes
To grab tits and asses.
In a just world, they’d all bite the dust.
Lisi Nortman:
“Henry darling, will you please adjust
The volume? It’s late and I must
Listen right through the wall
To hear Judy and Paul.
I need some vicarious lust.”
Tony Holmes:
Spare a thought for the chap on the wane,
Whose one thought is, “I’ll never again …”
He is forced to adjust,
As his parts start to rust,
And – increasingly – opts to abstain.
Mark Totterdell:
The wife of a man from St Just
Had a truly spectacular bust,
Which she’d swing at his head
As they frolicked in bed
Till it rendered him badly concussed.
Keone Morienga:
If the world can be said to be just,
Then these three simple things are a must:
No more suffering; nor
The raw conflict of war;
Most importantly… flash me your bust?
Terry Marter:
The hooker had such a huge bust,
That her bra straps were hard to adjust.
Boobs suddenly out;
Killed the client – one clout!
’Twas his first try at sex … and his lust!
Brian Allgar:
I may need some time to adjust;
My target was “Seven or bust” –
For one week, I would sin,
Giving each one a spin,
But I still haven’t got beyond Lust.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (COURT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman, who asks, “Remember this commercial?”
Michael Jordan claimed he won’t resume
His hooping, which triggered much gloom.
Although great on the court
In this fast-moving sport,
I prefer him in Fruit Of The Loom.
Dave Johnson:
“Not guilty, your Honor” he said,
When each of the charges were read.
His case went to trial;
Now there’s reason to smile:
No BLUE suits – just orange instead.
Fred Bortz, who describes it as “a bit of twisted history.”
Long ago in the Royal French Court
Lived a ruler (I’m sad to report)
Who, though having great strength,
Was deficient in length,
So his Queen called him Pepin the Short.
David Friedman:
A judge lacking reason and grace,
Who hates your religion or race,
Who isn’t too smart,
Has no mercy or heart,
Is us’lly the one who you’ll face.
Tim James:
“At the courthouse I saw lots of guys,
Big and strong, and with tears in their eyes,
Saying, ‘Sir, it’s unfair….’”
Wow, I can’t recall where
I’ve heard whoppers of similar size.
Lisi Nortman:
We courted in 1903.
I loved her and knew she loved me.
In 1904
I wanted much more.
So she finally showed me her knee.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: PLANT, HOBBIES, LEARN, LIKEABLE, WARN.)
Brian Allgar:
The enforcer is sent to warn those
Who’ve displeased the Big Boss; when he goes
Around doing his job, he
Indulges his hobby –
Collecting their fingers and toes.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pretentious young fellow named Bobby,
Claimed he looked up big words as a hobby.
“I don’t like learning words,”
He revealed, “it’s for nerds.
But I really do love sounding snobby.”
Tim James:
There’s a spy at the greenhouse named Grant.
He’s a likeable guy, but he can’t
Learn the diff’rence between
A sweet pea and a bean.
He’s a ringer. You might say a “plant.”
Sue Dulley:
I just learned, and it makes little sense,
Some fine words like Defence and Offence
That seem perfect to me
In my hobby, The Bee,
Need an S, not a C! (Makes me tense.😫)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I was two when I learned that a horse
Could be banged on and beaten with force.
But that was the last time
I tried out this pastime.
(It was only a hobby, of course).
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Competition Limerick, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest, Writing Prompts
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | No Comments »
Saturday, April 1st, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
When I was a very young man
I loved tractors as much as folk can.
An air-moving machine
Then came onto the scene –
And now I’m an extractor fan.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Wheels-Themed Limerick Award for his funny Limerick Travel Guide:
The folks are free-wheeling in Wheeling;
In Steele there’s a fair bit of stealing.
There’s NO fun at all
To be found in Blue Ball,
But in Fucking there’s lots of good feeling.
(Tim adds: “These are all real places. Wheeling is in West Virginia, Steele is in Missouri, Blue Ball is in Pennsylvania, and Fucking is in Austria (though they changed the name a couple of years ago because their street signs kept getting stolen.”)
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP.
Said a rock star whose cool name was Sloopy,
“My bedroom’s so hot, I feel loopy.”
Called his new PA man:
“I can’t sleep; need a fan.”
He was promptly supplied with a groupie.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Keone Morienga, Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell, Gail White, Tony Holmes, Jeremy Andrew, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
I was falling asleep on the can,
When into my mind this thought ran:
Are Mad’s lim’ricks obscene?
“FUCK!” See what I mean?
That’s probably why I’m a fan.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCENE or SEEN or OBSCENE–RHYME DIVISION)
Dave Johnson:
The actors are doing a scene
Where one of them gets in between
Two others in bed;
Then there’s laughter instead.
(How threesomes make PG-13.)
Tim James:
I once stiffed a psychic named Jeanne.
I feel guilty, so now I’ll come clean.
She had billed me a grand
But I told her, “Pound sand!” —
Which was something she should have foreseen.
Keone Morienga, for his “127 Hours.”
When a boulder dislodged and then landed,
Aron Ralston thus found himself stranded.
Not the stickiest scene
In which he’s ever been,
He got out of that jam single-handed!
(An avid climber and adventurer, Aron Ralston cut off his own arm in 2003 to escape from 127 hours stuck in Utah’s Bluejohn Canyon.)
Terry Marter:
The forensic department is keen
To solve murders with info they glean.
They’ve just found a box
With six locks, under rocks.
Its contents? – Remains to be seen.
Brian Allgar:
For a limerick, smutty’s okay,
But scatology’s best kept away.
No point if they’re clean,
So they should be obscene
But not turd, is what I always say.
Mark Totterdell:
So a couple have sex on the screen,
It’s explicit, in close-up, obscene.
Well I guess you should know
It’s a BBC show
And a couple of rabbits I mean.
Tim James:
A sailor I’ve frequently seen
Has a noteworthy posture and mien.
One leg’s long, one leg’s short;
So she lists some to port.
Apropos, since her name is Eileen.
Dave Johnson:
When someone exclaims “that’s obscene!”
I’ll try to discern what they mean.
Expressing dismay
At some naughty display?
Okay, let me look at your screen…
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WHEELS–THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Grok, “I’ve invented the wheel.”
Said his fellow stone-agers, “Big deal:
Can’t eat it or throw it
Or play it or blow it…
Though at least it’s not easy to steal.”
Tony Holmes:
“Mistress Fortune, when spinning her wheel,
Seems to favor the blackguards with spiel:
Not the kind and the meek,
Who deserve a good week,
But the blighters who lie, cheat and steal.”
Jeremy Andrew:
When I’m driving, the passengers feel
Quite nervous as four tires squeal.
But they really turn white,
When I close my eyes tight
And I shout, “Jesus, please take the wheel!”
Lisi Nortman:
That scooter is great at the mart.
Sit down, press the button, then start.
Walking used to be fun,
But now I am done,
Cuz I can’t even wheel the damn cart.
Dave Johnson:
He purchased a self-driving car
For traveling both near and far.
As part of his deal,
They pre-programmed the wheel
To steer him back home from the bar.
One night on the way, he was stopped.
The officer noticed he’d propped
His feet on the dash;
Then an offer of cash
Was made by the car – Charges dropped.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: MEAL, FAN, WATCH, BUSINESS, SLEEP)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A male cheetah with amorous zeal,
Watched the females, then made his appeal.
One gal saw a gazelle,
And replied, “Very well.
But first you must spring for a meal.”
Sharon Neeman:
My nutritionist, Dr. Jane Smith,
Says: “The need for big meals is a myth.
Watch your portions, I say,
And sleep eight hours a day —
But I surely won’t tell you who with.”
Jean McEwen:
My Apple Watch tells me I sleep
Like a log, never hearing a peep.
But I think it is lying
’Cause lying there, trying
To sleep, I just keep counting sheep.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A somnambulist said to a shrink,
“I’m a sleepwalker. What do you think?”
Said the doc, “I’m a fan
Of walking, so can
We meet up Friday night for a drink?”
Dave Johnson:
An airliner dumping its can
Flew over the house where a man
Was watching a game.
Through his ceiling it came;
And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
(True story – A few years ago, a Seahawks fan was watching a game
when a frozen block of lavatory waste discharged by an airliner
came crashing through his ceiling. Luckily, no one was hurt.)
Tim James:
A businessman thought he’d get far
As he watched a hot gal in a bar.
His attempt was a loss;
She was wed to his boss.
Now he sleeps and takes meals in his car.
Tony Holmes:
“I was roused from a very deep sleep,
Much annoyed at an incessant bleep
Which, invading my dreams,
Had undone all my schemes
To watch football in bed with Ms. Streep.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When a King feared his food had been basted,
With a poison, he’d have it pre-tasted.
If the taster fell dead,
The King watched him and said,
“What a pity — another meal wasted.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Gail White, Jean McEwen, Jeremy Andrew, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (507)
Saturday, February 4th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
A stripper whose outlook was screwed,
With her crowds got increasingly rude.
So she took some time off.
(Not a thread did she doff.)
Then returned to work, fresh and re-nude.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the DESTRUCTION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One cat, with just four little paws
And some teeth in her two tiny jaws,
Pushed three plates off the table,
Ate all she was able,
And puked on the rest. Why? Because.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL.
To keep this year’s diet on track,
I’ve developed a three-step attack;
Not a punishing stride,
but a nice, easy slide–
One step forward, another two back.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Don Lazarre, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Jean McEwen, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDE, RUED or ROOD-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
A starving philosopher rued
That day when he busked in the nude.
Naked truth in the street
Didn’t help make ends meet,
But it DID give him more thought for food.
Lisi Nortman:
As a carpenter, I could tell tales
Of all of my sweat and travails.
Standing here, at the rood,
I’m beginning to brood,
Cause they’re using the wrong kind of nails.
Terry Marter:
When the Haiku police came, I rued
The day that I wrote one ’bout food:
The subject was Thyme,
But I’d slipped in a rhyme.
I must now eat my words or be sued.
Rudy Landesman:
From Russia, that much troubled nation,
There’s news that has caused a sensation.
When folks there allude
To Putin as rude,
They’re subject to defenestration.
Tim James:
While in England, and looking for food,
I sought help from a whimsical dude.
He said, “Eighty roods down,
Take a left into town.”
Thanks a lot. What the hell is a rood?
Doug Harris:
The media hypers are glued
To Prince Harry’s pulp fiction and feud.
It’s a sorry affair
That he feels like a Spare,
But to blame his old dad is just rude!
Don Lazarre:
To Santa, she wrote “I ask you:
‘When sleeping, you SEE us. That true?
If you do, that is rude
Cuz I sleep in the nude!
And ain’t THAT worth a present or two?’”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
There once was a lamplighter dude,
Whose career choice was one that he rued.
His one true desire?
To be the town crier;
So he stood in the street and boo-hooed.
Dave Johnson:
Some kind of morality nut
Described it as “vertical smut.”
Though seemingly lewd,
It’s not meant to be rude;
Cuz twerking is anything butt.
Mark Totterdell:
I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh f**k!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DESTRUCTION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
At the altar of Mammon he kneeled
And prayed for some bonds with high yield.
In this God he did trust,
But the market went bust;
And no longer is he so well-heeled.
Jean McEwen:
Matt Goetz has set out to destroy
Civil order; he’ll use any ploy
To help burn down the House.
He’s a certified louse,
With disdain for the mass hoi polloi.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I asked a Republican pundit:
“Our Democracy, sir, have you shunned it?”
“We’ve destroyed it,” he said,
“But it isn’t quite dead,
So we’re passing a bill to defund it.”
Tim James:
The crew of a starship took stock
Of the Earth. They regarded in shock
War, destruction, and hate.
Their report home will state:
“No intelligent life on this rock.”
Dave Johnson:
His brainchild was nervy and brash;
Investing in digital cash.
While some made a buck,
Many others were stuck;
Invited to join in the crash.
Rudy Landesman:
A concern in the bedroom was key
In destroying my marriage for me.
She left me one day.
So, what’s there to say?
My dildo was cursed with E.D.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION – STRIDE, HANDY, PUNISH, FLY, BAIL)
Lisi Nortman:
The masochist “I Love Pain” Flo
Begged “Punish me, dear darling, Joe.”
In a very swift stride
“Sadist Joe” went outside.
(Before closing the door, he said, “No!”)
Jean McEwen:
Denied bail, Stu was fit to be tied,
Refusing to take it in stride,
As the price to be paid
When one murders the maid
And then boils and ingests her raw hide.
Brian Allgar:
I decided to punish the fly.
“You’ve annoyed me too long, you must die!”
I attempted to swat it,
And thought I had got it –
Instead, it flew into my eye.
Lisi Nortman:
I hired your handyman Phil.
He walked in, but it wasn’t a thrill,
Cuz he opened his fly,
And I said, with a sigh,
“That does NOT take the place of a drill.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“I would send a nice letter — oh, fie!”
Charlotte scrawled, “But no paper have I.
It was handy last year,
But I’ve lost it, I fear.
So I’m writing to you on the fly.”
Tim James:
“I know art, lit, and science,” said I.
“I’m a suave, cultured Renaissance guy.”
Said my date, “Epic fail!
One last thing, then I’ll bail:
Leonardo, please zip up your fly.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Don Lazarre, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry Contest | 3 Comments »
Saturday, January 7th, 2023
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to Tim James, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny two-verser:
A limerick writer was blue
’Cause the rhyme word was “blew,” and he knew
That his muse (nasty slut!)
Would produce only smut.
So he caved. What’s an artist to do?
The result:
A couple who drove through St. Lou
Got excited and tried something new.
They went into a roll
When he lost all control;
But it wasn’t a Goodyear that blew.
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the RELIGION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Commandments to get into heaven?”
Said Moses, “Let’s keep it to seven.”
But God said, “No way!
There are ten, and they’ll stay!
You’re lucky there aren’t eleven!”
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.
Eyes half-glazed, up I gazed at a soffit,
When some “crawly” (unnamed) fell right off it.
It dropped onto my iris,
An act undesirous,
From which none but my eye doc will profit.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Keone Morienga, Mark Totterdell, Gennadiy Gurariy, Gail White, Robert Schechter, Edmund Conti, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Steve Benko, Rudy Landesman, Ken Gosse, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUE or BLEW-RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Like a bat out of hell, my car flew,
Drifting hard ’round the bends; back-end slew.
Now I always must walk,
So I just talk the talk
Since the two-point-o-four that I blew!
Sharon Neeman:
Oh well, yes, I suppose it is true
That the sky and some flowers are blue,
But my mood’s bluer still
When I see (as I will)
That my tax refund hasn’t come through.
Lisi Nortman:
Dear Santa, I’ve been very kind,
Extremely polite and refined.
Gee, now I am blue
Cuz none of that’s true.
I’m tearing this up. Never Mind!
Terry Marter:
Inspiration has got a clogged vent;
My mojo’s behind with the rent;
My muse is so blue
She hasn’t a clue,
And I can’t coin a phrase, cos I’m spent.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An untalented flute ingenue,
Good at humming, took up the kazoo.
Buzzed the flautists, “Atrocious!”
Purred Maestro, “Precocious.”
(The kazoo wasn’t all that she blew.)
Keone Morienga:
Are you overwhelmed, stressed out, and blue
’Cause you bit more off than you can chew?
H o O k E r S d R u G s M i N d L e S s s E x
f L e E F r O m H i T – A n D – R u N W r E c K s …
Just like that, you won’t feel so askew!
Mark Totterdell:
So I went as a Smurf to the do,
All dressed up with my skin tinted too,
But I must have, I think,
Used indelible ink,
And for weeks ever since I’ve been blue.
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The past tense of fly? Why it’s flew.
The past tense of blow? Surely blew.
So why did my teacher
(A hard-hearted creature)
Get mad when I said “the car slew?”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELIGION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Gail White:
Said Abraham, “Lord, could you fix
Just one problem before the Law sticks?
We’re devout to the core,
But are you really sure
We must all snip the ends off our dicks?”
Lisi Nortman:
There’s a new handy way to confess.
Go ahead; you’ll relieve all your stress.
You won’t have to wait.
And you’ll still make your date.
Get in line for the “Ten Sins Or Less.”
Sharon Neeman:
Dear Pastor, I know that you pray
For me hundreds of times every day.
Better save that entreaty:
I’m telling you, sweetie,
I plan to stay gay anyway.
Robert Schechter:
The Lord said to Abraham, “Go
And slaughter your son. Don’t be slow!”
Abe said, “Who am I
To refuse to comply?”
But his son said he should have said no.
Terry Marter:
Eve wandered through Eden, in song,
Looking hot in a fresh fig-leaf thong.
She soon was detected
By Homo Erected.
I ask: what, on Earth, could go wrong?
Edmund Conti:
Said Harry, “I’m decent and clean
And my prayers are all prayers that I mean.
I’m now eighty-seven.
I’ll soon be in Heaven.”
Said God, “That remains to be seen.”
Keone Morienga, who describes this as “Off-Label Use for Holy Anointing Oil”
When she paused to discuss a conjunction –
Sought to question an ampersand’s function –
I said, “Miss, please excuse,
But this rub down could use
Fewer ifs, ands, or buts and more unction.”
Tim James:
Do you know my friend Tom, the agnostic?
On the subject of faith he is caustic:
“Utter nonsense! What goof
Believes tales with no proof?”
That’s the story behind this acrostic.
Fred Bortz:
A dyslexic was left in the lurch
On the pulpit, where he had a perch.
He offered his prayers
To the great Dog upstairs
And soon was tossed out of the church.
Steve Benko says:
“Hey buddy, come join the crusade;
We’ll pillage and loot and get laid,”
Said the knight. And the Pope
Says “Don’t sit there and mope;
Get a move on! For conquest I’ve prayed!”
Rudy Landesman:
I went skiing last year up in Maine.
All week long it did nothing but rain.
If God is all good,
I don’t know how He could
Permit evil weather. Explain!
Gennadiy Gurariy:
I admit I can feel the flames lapping
When I start anapestic’ly rapping
With my lim’rickal horde,
Yet even the Lord
(When they’re funny) is secretly clapping.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: NAME, NAUSEOUS, PROFIT, TEASE, SILVER.)
Ken Gosse:
Alas, silver has no perfect rhyme.
Rhyming profit with prophet’s a crime.
In Jove’s name, please don’t tease—
near-rhyme causes unease—
I get nauseous from rhyme that’s sub-prime.
Lisi Nortman:
We named our new baby girl Iris.
For this miracle, Sue was desirous.
In her fam-il-y way,
She was nauseous each day
A Miracle? Or just a virus?
Sharon Neeman:
That monster whose name rhymes with “frump”
Leaves me nauseous and needing a dump,
But his luck has begun
To run out — oh, what fun! —
And his profits will certainly slump.
Tim James:
Teased a comely young woman named Mae:
“Come and see me! I’ll cook, then we’ll play!
But my cooking may cause ya
A bad bout of nausea.”
We skipped straight to the nookie that day.
Jon Gearhart:
A Shakespearian line, some think keen,
I tease is much too widely seen.
“What’s in a NAME?”
That question is lame–
The answer’s MANE, AMEN and MEAN!
Tim James:
A woman named Jenny, he’s found,
Has a body and face that astound.
She’s a bit of a tease,
But she’s willing to please.
Silver baubles will bring her around.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Secret Santa is always the same,”
Groused The Grinch. “What a profitless game.”
He dug into his hat,
And sighed, “So much for that.”
Once again he had drawn his own name.
Tim James:
They say profits and wealth are a lie;
Silver loses its shine, by and by.
The possession of treasure
Will bring you no pleasure.
(I’m willing to give it a try.)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A loner, named Ranger, prized tasks
That were mindless — like washing his masks.
If his doorbell should chime,
He’d tell Tonto, “Say I’m
Cleaning silver, if anyone asks.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Edmund Conti, Fred Bortz, Gail White, Gennadiy Gurariy, Jon Gearhart, Ken Gosse, Keone Morienga, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Mark Totterdell, Robert Schechter, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (504)
Saturday, May 14th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny three-verse limerick:
A (young) woman who lived in a shoe
Knew perfectly well what to do:
To fulfill her kids’ needs,
She’d resort to misdeeds —
Petty theft; yes, and shoplifting, too.
To ensure that she wouldn’t get caught,
She dissembled far more than she ought;
But she grew so distressed
That, at last, she confessed
To the Chief of Police — who’d have thought?
The old Chief looked her over and said,
“You’re both lovely and clever. Let’s wed!
I’ll forgive your… invention.”
She voiced no dissension…
Now she gets his pension. (He’s dead.)
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special INVENTIONS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The invention of Alex Graham Bell
Has devolved so that some users dwell
In its internet pit
Of lies, rancor, and shit.
It is called the Ninth Circle of Cell.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Linda A. C. Fuller, Konrad Schwoerke, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Jean McEwen, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Joe Williams. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEEDS or MISDEEDS”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A tennis pro known for misdeeds,
With an ego that fame often breeds,
Disrespected his sport —
Sowed wild oats on the court!
He’s the worst of some really bad seeds.
Linda A. C. Fuller:
The widow reclined in her weeds,
While savoring former misdeeds:
Her husband she’d killed,
His kidneys she’d grilled,
And then served up with sesame seeds.
Konrad Schwoerke:
I look through the lens of my time
And see much we might now call a crime.
Were they really misdeeds
Or just differing creeds?
I don’t know, but I got it to rhyme.
Mark Totterdell:
He’s the shittiest shit in creation,
Quite the worst of a bad generation,
With a nature that leads
To appalling misdeeds,
So he ended up leading the nation.
Lisi Nortman:
A judge performs critical deeds
According to ethical creeds.
He’s the one who sets bail.
He can send you to jail.
And he asks lots of “how do you pleads?”
Jean McEwen:
I have found that committing misdeeds,
When done artfully, often succeeds.
Those who mindlessly swallow
Rules other folks follow
Just forfeit, alas, their own needs.
Randy Wagner:
The conjugal date that Will made
For last night had been badly misplayed.
As the darkness recedes,
He discovers misdeeds
Were performed on the maid he’d mislaid.
Brian Allgar:
“We’re imposing a no shilly-shally ban,”
Says America’s own home-grown Taliban.
On this vilest of deeds,
The signature reads
“S. Alito,” as monstrous as Caliban.
Tim James:
A real estate fraudster named Leeds
Said, “The greed of my marks suits my needs.
I sold five diff’rent ducks
Tampa swampland, the schmucks!”
Here endeth this tale of fowl deeds.
Tony Holmes:
“On the whole, I am really quite nice.
And am almost a stranger to vice.
Not for me the misdeeds
That true naughtiness breeds.
Just a bit, now and then, to add spice.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVENTIONS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
The inventor of Autocorrect
Has died; he deserves our respect,
Cuz he taught us to spell
And he did it so well:
The funnel’s at ate. I have chekked.
Sharon Neeman:
My invention, I’m told, is quite keen:
It bumps pols who are thuggish and mean.
But it knows how to spare
Those with hearts, who do care —
It’s a “Vote Democratic!” machine.
Fred Bortz:
The outcome was nearly the worst.
The inventor believed he was cursed.
All his high hopes were smashed
When his vehicle crashed.
He should have invented brakes first.
Randy Wagner:
Said Bach to young Madam Beauvais,
“Allow me to play, if I may,
A sweet two-part invention.”
(He chose not to mention
‘Twould be contrapuntal foreplay.)
Tim James:
Said a man to be judged by St. Pete:
“Let me pass through these gates, I entreat.
I belong here, it’s clear;
I invented light beer!”
He got sent to The Bad Place, tout de suite.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
She said, “Edison, turn on a light.”
She asked Orville, “You fancy a flight?”
It’s that very same Muse
Some inventors abuse,
Who told Franklin to “Go fly a kite.”
Joe Williams:
I wonder what kind of inventor
Was first to invent a placenta,
And which did decide
It is best when it’s fried,
With a side of delicious polenta.
Konrad Schwoerke:
It was me who invented sham pain.
As an addict, I’d always complain
To the docs in the hope
They’d prescribe me some dope.
I’m just kidding, my drug was cocaine.
Lisi Nortman:
The greatest invention’s a chip,
So I pack some for ev-er-y trip.
The wheel was okay
In many a way.
But it doesn’t pair well with a dip.
Konrad Schwoerke:
The wheel is a wondrous invention,
But the barrel’s my choice for ascension.
There’s its round, bulbous shape,
And a bottom to scrape,
Plus it’s fun due to monkey retention.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Joe Williams, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 2 Comments »
Saturday, April 16th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
After viewing the faces of those
God created, authorities chose,
Not the Cyclops, but Man,
To reflect the Grand Plan.
And the eyes did outnumber the nose.
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Special SECURITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
One evening a thief tried his best
To break through the lock on my chest.
I yelled, “you’ll get shot!”
And aimed the red dot,
But then let my cats do the rest.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Randolph Wagner, Tony Holmes, Gennadiy Gurariy, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Fred Bortz, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOSE or KNOWS or NOES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SECURITY LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
Putting lips near my ear with such surety,
She mind-read my thoughts of impurity:
“Forget all your prose;
I got nothin’ but Noes,
So zip it, or I’ll call Security.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOSE or KNOWS or NOES”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Randolph Wagner:
A harlot removed all her clothes
And remarked, “Fella, here’s how it goes:
Let my breasts, butt, and thighs
Be a feast for your eyes,
But one touch and you’ll pay through the nose.”
Tony Holmes:
“Yes, your conk is patrician. It shows
You have breeding: it’s more than a nose.
From your soles to your head,
You’re a true thoroughbred.
And another sure sign is six toes.”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
The body’s a palace of woes:
Some think that the pit of the toes
Is the messiest spot,
But I think it’s snot
And must, in all truth, pick the nose.
Doug Harris:
Pinocchio’s (honestly) grows,
And Rudolph’s consistently glows.
While Jimmy Durante
In width upped the ante,
Cyrano de Bergerac knows.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’ve a theory I wish to propose,
As did Stein with “a rose is a rose”:
A snout and a sniffer
And whiffer may differ,
But a nose is a nose is a nose.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Folks like Trump are America’s foes.
These damned know-nothings cause us great woes,
With their vicious opinions
And vacuous minions.
I’d rather be led by the “knows.”
Tim James:
My limerick muse comes and goes.
How to keep her around, no one knows.
When she goes on the lam,
I can’t rhyme worth a damn.
I should think about sticking to prose.
Fred Bortz, for his two-verse “If Larry David wrote a certain 1960s situation comedy”:
Samantha would wiggle her nose
Whenever she needed new clothes.
But most times that she twitched
On the sitcom Bewitched,
New troubles for Darrin arose.
She was taught by her mother, Endora,
Who learned from her mother before her
How to raise Holy Hell
By casting a spell
With the Yiddish phrase, “Oy! Keinehora!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SECURITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
Though I type at a reas’nable pace,
And slow-ly-put password in place,
The computer says “No.”
But I’m RIGHT! (I checked “Show.”)
But apparently, that’s not the CASE!
David Friedman:
The locks that Lynn keeps all about
Would keep her secure, there’s no doubt.
“They don’t,” giggles Lynn,
“Stop men getting in;
I use them so men can’t get out!”
Sharon Neeman:
My mother was terribly strict,
Locked me in when I dared contradict –
Till a crook down the block
Gave poor Mom such a shock,
When he proved that my “lock” could be picked.
Lisi Nortman:
In our neighborhood, there have been four
Sneaky break-ins, and ev’ryone’s sore.
But calm we remain,
Cuz our kids and Great Dane
Throw Legos all over the floor.
Fred Bortz:
He invested his savings in stock,
And now he is deeply in hock.
Our language is funny
When speaking of money.
Securities? What a huge crock!
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A man who owned gold and would hide it
(always fearful that others had spied it),
Dug a hole six feet deep,
Where his treasure would keep.
In the end he was buried beside it.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: David Friedman, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman, Randolph Wagner, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, March 19th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
There once was a stressed sieve named Shane
Who cried, “People drive me insane!
They’ll scream and they’ll shout
If some food should drip out,
And I just cannot handle the strain!”
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special LINES-Themed Limerick Award for his funny “Romeo and Juliet” limerick:
Each thought that the other was hot,
Shared a love which their kinsfolk did not,
So got secretly wed,
Then got laid and got dead,
And right there, in five lines, is the plot.
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Paul Haebig:
There once was a lim’rick unfinished.
Its impact was greatly diminished.
It made people whine:
“There’s no closing line!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
No way does your wordplay diminish
My int’rest for lack of a finish.
Your plot lines commence
To build up suspense
(Though your Fifth Act’s a little bit thinnish.)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Linda Fuller, Dane Paulsen, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LINE-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Linda Fuller:
An actress who dressed to the nines,
Was obsessed with her facial age signs:
“Though an awful brain drain
And a terrible strain,
I ALWAYS remember my lines.”
Dane Paulsen:
My golf swing’s a thing to behold.
I follow the line, like I’m told.
But here is my bane;
Each swing is a strain.
They explain that I’m just getting old.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STRAIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Rudy Landesman:
Hey Gene, please don’t mind me for asking,
As in posthumous fame you’re now basking.
So, was dancing a strain
When you sang in the rain,
Or, simply, routine multitasking?
Jean McEwen:
He fooled everyone, taking the prize
For glibness – maintaining the guise.
But he died from the strain
Of legerdemain–
Keeping track of those countless white lies.
Terry Marter:
She runs nude on the beach – such eye-candy;
Just the sight of her makes me feel randy.
I’m face-down but it’s plain
That I’m feeling the strain;
Getting sore, raw and painfully sandy.
Paul Haebig:
I’m really not one to complain
But lately I’m under such strain,
That for better or worse
To fashion a verse
Is too much for my poor, tired brain.
Doug Harris:
There once was a fellow named Wayne,
Whose guts often used to complain,
Till he found that hydration
Reduced constipation;
Now ablutions are less of a strain!
Lisi Nortman:
I wake up, 1,2,3, in a snap.
I’m an active and sprightly ol’ chap.
But I don’t want to strain
My tireless brain.
After rousing, I take a nice nap.
Sharon Neeman:
Half the morning I sweat and I strain
Making borscht in support of Ukraine;
Then my cat (who’s no fool),
Just as soon as it’s cool,
Eats it out of the pot. What a pain!
Tim James:
Ev’ry week, as I struggle and strain
To write lim’ricks for Madeleine Kane,
My subconscious says, “Son,
This takes wit and you’ve none.
Write Hallmark verse. Stay in your lane.”
Rudy Landesman:
Mrs. Robinson’s daughter Elaine
Was subjected to unheard of strain,
When her mother, one day,
Had her lecherous way
With Elaine’s very innocent swain.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LINES-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Civic Theater auditions went fine;
I was told that the lead would be mine.
But on opening night —
With my fame at its height —
The one word I could utter was “Line!”
Terry Marter:
While sailing and writing some prose,
He fell overboard – head over toes.
He yelled “I’ll be fine.
Someone throw me a line.”
All he got was “My dog has no nose…”
Jean McEwen:
At the TSA screening, the queue
Snakes for miles, so to quickly pass through,
Say you’ve broken a leg.
Without having to beg,
You’ll get quickly rolled through by the crew!
David Friedman:
There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
My old Osteopath, Dr. Spec,
Ought to keep his opinions in check.
When on visits I whine
That my spine’s out of line,
In my file he writes, “Pain in the neck.”
Lisi Nortman:
The Parallels feel incomplete.
He is low, and she’s high on the sheet.
They long to be “one,”
But they’re not havin’ fun.
It’s a shame that they never will meet.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve struggled two years to displace
50 pounds — and I’ve done it with grace!
I’m three sizes down —
But I still have to frown
When I see the new lines in my face.
Dave Johnson:
They met while in line at the store
And reflexively opted for more.
An evening spent;
Here’s a clue how it went:
Alexa was starting to snore.
Brian Allgar:
Their teacher said “One hundred lines
For making impertinent signs!”
“But Sir,” they complain,
“That’s a lot of cocaine,
And our dealers are all greedy swines.”
David Friedman:
There once was a lady named Mad
Who received many limericks bad —
With terrible rhymes
And then there were times
Where you just couldn’t believe how many extra syllables some of the final lines had!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dane Paulsen, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Linda Fuller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (491)
Saturday, January 8th, 2022
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Said Stravinsky, “My schedule is tight;
My publishers called me last night
To commission a song
About righting a wrong,
But I’m too busy writing a Rite.”
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special SHOTS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Novak Djokovic, agile and tall,
Plays great shots with a racket and ball,
But there’s one kind of shot
That he still hasn’t got,
Because Novak’s had no vax at all.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Fred Bortz, Sharon Neeman, David Hodges, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIGHT or WRITE or RITE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHOTS-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Elmer Fudd sang in Shanghai one night —
Karaoked (his last civil right.)
Took one shot at a song
With “If wuvving you’s wong,
Then (it’s twue) I don’t want to be wight.”
Sue Dulley:
We’ve had our three shots; it’s all right
To meet now and then for a bite.
And if anyone asks,
Say we all wore our masks
While devouring our dinner tonight.
Tony Holmes:
If you’ve might on your side, you are right,
And you can, with impunity, smite.
You are calling the shots.
You can crush the have-nots,
But you dare not sleep tight every night
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIGHT or WRITE or RITE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
If you suffer from cramps in the night
A banana will soon put you right.
“I’ve tried it,” said Jane,
Many times – but in vain.”
Said her friend, “If you eat it, it might.”
Jean McEwen:
It had seemed to be love at first sight;
I had finally found Mr. Right!!
Then those fresh bloody stains
And those human remains
In his trunk gave me pause; I took flight.
Lisi Nortman:
My foot fell asleep on the flight,
Yet the rest of my body felt right.
Then at the hotel,
I slept very well,
But my foot stayed awake through the night.
Terry Marter:
Half asleep; half awake, half the night:
Half a Lim’rick that STILL don’t look right.
Time to rise for a brew, –
Slice of toast, perhaps two.
Add a bowl of “Just Right?” I just might!
Dave Johnson:
Jen’s husband was trying to write
A poem he hoped would ignite
Her passionate side.
But as hard as he tried,
His assonance failed to excite.
Tim James:
A randy young gal named Costello
Hooked up with a like-minded fellow.
He lied that he’d write
When he left her that night.
When it comes to commitment, he’s yellow.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An obstructionist ended the night,
When he got the last word in a fight.
“I’m agreeing,” said he,
To say we disagree.
But that won’t make me any less right.”
Roger Haugen:
A new era was born at the site
Of mankind’s first motorized flight;
Ahead of all others,
These two small-town brothers
Showed the world what it meant to be (W)right.
Kirk Miller:
At the funeral, minister Dwight
Was real nervous and feeling uptight.
’Twas the first one where he
Had to speak, so you see
He worked hard so he’d write the right rite.
Steve Benko:
When on pot, you’re as high as a kite;
It isn’t the best time to write.
You think you’re inspired,
But Mad says, “You’re fired!
Your work on my page is a blight!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
After pounding nine shots of sloe gin
I took note of her come-hither grin.
So we went to her place.
But oh God, the disgrace!
I was wholly unable to sin.
Brian Allgar:
The photographer’s English was lean;
The police soon arrived on the scene.
His mistake was to state
To the guard on the gate
“I have come to take shots at your Queen.”
Fred Bortz:
It’s too bad that the guy had to die
From drinking too much of that rye.
Alas, what a shame,
But the rules of the game
Were a shot for each Trumpian lie.
Sharon Neeman:
There’s a faction that’s riddled with twits
Who have far more polemic than wits:
“Don’t get jabbed!” they all cry
As folks sicken and die —
So they’re both anti-shots and pro shits.
David Hodges:
In German, “mein Schatz” means “my treasure” –
A sweetheart beyond any measure.
An American miss
May take umbrage at this;
Being called “Shots” will bring her no pleasure!
Lisi Nortman:
The last time I went to my shrink,
He said, “Gertrude, you need to rethink!
“You MUST get that shot!”
But then I did not,
When I found out it wasn’t a drink.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Hodges, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (486)
Saturday, December 25th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
I have frown lines too old to erase
From that place where they’re taking up space.
If I cut down on strife,
And say “no” to the knife,
I’ll save money. (Too late to save face).
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FISH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A tuna whose name was Raúl
Wouldn’t run with a crowd, as a rule.
Off alone on a lark,
He fell prey to a shark.
Here’s the lesson: don’t drop out of school.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, James Mac Hale, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Steve Benko, Tony Holmes, Fred Bortz, Lorraine Padden, Rudy Landesman, David Friedman, Roger Haugen, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPACE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FISH-THEMED LIMERICKS)
Terry Marter:
The fresh Plaice, placed on ice in a crate
Were still jumping and hard to placate.
I raced to that space,-
Grabbed a Plaice (and a Dace)
And an ace Hollandaise for my plate.
Sharon Neeman:
Said the boss to the fish-seller, “Todd,
Your damn cat just scarfed up all the cod,
Herring, whiting and plaice
That we had in this space!
Take her home or I’ll deck you, by God!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPACE”-Rhyme DIVISION)
Mark Totterdell:
Although there were those who would knock it,
And a few who would openly mock it,
Jeff was shot into space
With a smile on his face
In his massive great cock of a rocket.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
As a student, Josh seemed out of place.
You could tell by the look on his face.
But he’d read any comic
with themes astronomic.
He’s in college now, taking up space.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
An MRI tube’s a cool place.
You can ask for some piano with bass.
But don’t start to groove
Cuz they won’t let you move,
And it clearly has limited space.
Terry Marter:
Drunk one night, he had found a warm space
For a nap (in a chook breeding place).
Then up came the sun
And in more ways than one
He’d awoken with egg on his face.
James Mac Hale:
Blitzen’s teaching the reindeer to brace
When they’re landing in limited space:
“To alight on the roof
You must dig in your hoof,
Or expect Rudolf’s butt in your face!”
Dave Johnson:
When zillionaires blast into space,
One question – so why the big chase?
Does leaving this earth
Help them showcase their worth
To hustle some alien race?
Terry Marter:
A Big Bang! A Black Hole, and much Hissing
(Understand it’s not Einstein I’m dissing),
But you cannot see space
(Though it’s right in your face),
So how can you tell if it’s missing?
James Mac Hale:
I’m named Mars, I’m soliciting Venus.
When gravity pulls on my penis
I say “Let us embrace
In our orbital space
And have asteroids flying between us.”
Tim James:
As we humans move out into space,
We may find it’s a wonderful place:
Ev’ry world full of life,
Free of hatred and strife.
(We’ll set phasers on kill, just in case.)
Steve Benko:
Once John Glenn went around us in space,
JFK said, “With Russia let’s race.
Is the moon made of cheese?
Let’s find out. And now please,
Miss Monroe, come and sit on my face.”
Tony Holmes:
Modern misses defending their space
Should give thanks to the makers of Mace.
Nothing says, “I said no
And I meant it. Please go!”
Like a pepper-spray jet in the face.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (FISH-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Fred Bortz:
Don’t you think it’s the slightest bit odd
That E-pisca-pals worship a god
That resembles some fish
And tastes so delish?
Yes it’s true. I am swearing to Cod!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Our Special’s a wonderful dish.
It will answer your fine-dining wish.
The chef’s gone all out
To spruce up the trout,
So you won’t know you’re eating a fish.”
Lorraine Padden:
“A dogfish is really a shark,”
He tells me with no lack of snark.
“If you think it’ll fetch,
You’ll most likely kvetch
’Cuz its bite is much worse than its bark.”
Rudy Landesman:
You accuse me of being quite oafish,
Because I refuse to eat blowfish.
From all that I hear
Some are poisonous, dear.
For my dish, I would wish to have no fish.
David Friedman:
Remember the fish they called Wanda?
Starring Curtis and Kline (but not Fonda).
In the end, Kevin Kline
On Wanda would dine,
A truly unfortunate shanda.
Mark Totterdell:
When chilling with Steve, my pet stickleback,
I’d tickle his fins, he would tickle back,
Then he’d wiggle each spine,
Of which he had nine,
To the post-grungey music of Nickelback.
Roger Haugen:
It’s always my number-one wish
When fishing, to catch a big fish;
I’m hooked in the weeds,
While the osprey succeeds
In grabbing a fresh tasty dish.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
When my Rev gave me cod in a dish,
He said, “Eat it all now, if you wish.”
Then he showed me some gear —
Rods and reels (and a spear!)
And I prayed, “Please don’t teach me to fish!”
Tim James:
Two piranhas, named Kevin and Kate,
Made their way down a stream, where they ate.
Then they had a big row.
Kate said, “Don’t have a cow!”
Kevin grinned as he answered, “Too late!”
David Friedman:
There once was an old fish named Sid
Who loved the aquarium lid.
When he was asked why,
“I’ve just,” he would sigh
“Loved tank tops since I was a kid.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Rod takes fish from my dish when we dine,
But he pays for both meals, so it’s fine.
I put up with this blunder,
But doesn’t he wonder
Why I never say, “Your plaice or mine?”
Gennadiy Gurariy:
There once was a cat with a wish-
To learn how to swim with the fish.
He fervidly swore
It was just to explore
While gently caressing his dish.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Fred Bortz, Gennadiy Gurariy, James Mac Hale, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Lorraine Padden, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Advice Humor & Poems, Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (485)
Saturday, March 27th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Dave Johnson:
Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)
Dave Johnson:
Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:
I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.
Tony Holmes:
“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”
Bob Turvey:
Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.
Tim James:
“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.
Terry Marter:
My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sharon Neeman:
My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.
Ken Gosse:
Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.
Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”
“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”
David Friedman:
In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.
Tim James:
Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”
Gail White:
Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!
Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”
We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.
Mark Totterdell:
There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, Ken Gosse, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (466)
Saturday, March 13th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:
Dodos died, so it’s tragic but true
That there’s nobody left now who knew
Of the shape or the length
Or olfactory strength
Of the doo-doos a dodo would do.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BUGS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Brian Allgar:
I’d begun to have sex in the grass
With the prettiest girl in my class,
When “Oh God!” cried the chick,
“What a terrible prick!”
… She’d been bitten by ants in the ass.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order. (There are more than usual because it was a very strong week for entries, both in terms of quantity and quality.) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BUGS-Themed LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
Now that COVID is practically through
And we’ve all had a jab — maybe two —
Can we take our guitars
And sit under the stars
As we sing (and pass round) Mountain Dew?
This old folkie’s not put off by bugs
Or by (mild) recreational drugs,
But I surely do long
To exchange — not just song,
But a thing that’s far better — real hugs!
Thomas Vincent:
Each time that I feel down and blue,
I munch on an insect or two.
Though humans like hugs,
I’ll just stick to bugs.
What else is a shrew s’pposed to do?
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
When Satan came sauntering through
The salon door, the hairdresser knew
She could NOT blow him off.
So she fashioned his coif,
Thereby giving the devil his ’do.
Terry Marter:
I woke you (at quarter-to-two)
To show you I’ve written “I Do,”
And be sure you can see
That line four rhymes with three.
You can go back to sleep now – I’m through.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone
A baby’s a dream that comes true.
Can’t believe my sweet girl’s almost two.
But her dad’s of no use;
He’ll use any excuse
Not to change her when she makes a doo.
Sondra Landin:
We’ve had a long friendship, we two.
In good and bad years we pulled through.
But times are a-changing;
Our needs now far-ranging.
Let’s say our adieus sans ado.
Thomas Vincent:
If you want to use something that’s new,
Try our super thick, quick-drying glue.
But take care and beware;
If applied to your hair,
You surely will rue your new do.
Tony Holmes:
How you’re greeted will give you the clue.
You’re in Britain: It’s “How do you do?”
Down in Oz, it’s “Goo’ day!”
And in Paree so gay,
It’s “Bonjour” and then “Merci beaucoup.”
In some states they say “Howdy!” (It’s true.)
In some others, “Hey ya’ll” or “Hey you.”
“How’s it hangin’?” is hip,
Though “Whassup?” has more zip,
And for Cajuns, “Bonjour” and “Adieu.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Noah boarded the beasts two-by-two —
’Twas a task the Big Boss bade him do.
He faced it, unblinking,
But couldn’t help thinking,
“The world is becoming a zoo.”
Sue Dulley:
I’m Sue. This is long overdue –
I never was born, I just grew.
So how can this be?
It was quite clear to me;
My parents were too shy to screw.
Dave Johnson:
While looking for something to do,
He dialed up a lady he knew,
Saying “Hey, I’m so bored.”
She said “Here’s your reward
For calling – now come bore me too.”
David Friedman:
There’s a raunchy giraffe at the zoo
Who shouts (as giraffes seldom do):
“If you think my neck’s long
Just look at my schlong!”
Then pisses to show that it’s true.
Gail White:
I’m claiming, without more ado,
That my Biblical visions are true,
While your foolish reliance
On reason and science
Reflects very poorly on you.
Terry Marter:
The clairvoyants’ convention was due.
They had asked us along. (We all flew.)
At Departure that night,
They all cancelled their flight,
So we cancelled ours too – wouldn’t you?!
Dave Johnson:
It came while in bed from her side;
A quiver she couldn’t quite hide.
Although they were through,
He asked “What did you do?”
“Just gave you a hand,” she replied.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BUGS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A diner, so bugged by the guy
Who waited his table, yelled “Fie!
You have managed to pour
On my lap soup du jour,
And now there’s a soup in my fly!”
Brian Allgar:
Damned mosquitoes! It isn’t the pain
That is driving me slowly insane,
But that nerve-racking whine
As they zoom in to dine
Once again, and again, and again!
Dave Johnson:
I’m puzzled what everyone sees
In purchasing items like these.
They’re blankets and such
Which I’d rather not touch
That come from a market of fleas.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Hey, mosquito, let’s have a nice chat.
Don’t be shy, cuz I know where you’re at.
You’ve sucked up my blood,
But I’ll be your best “bud”
If you guzzle up some of my fat.
Terry Marter:
Some beetles are bullies and thugs
That treat the less wary as mugs.
But some, bright and gay,
Go out of their way
To stop and give lady bugs hugs!
Dave Johnson:
“I’ll tell you who bugs me the most,”
She said to the afternoon host.
“It’s people you ask
About wearing a mask
Who claim that their ‘freedom’ is toast.”
“But now that the vaccines are here,
Their purpose in life becomes clear.
They scheme and design
To be there first in line;
I hope they get shot in the rear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pillbug, aggrieved, won’t reveal it;
When insulted, he tries not to feel it.
Called a “sow” or a “louse,”
He’ll be tempted to grouse,
But rolls up in a ball to conceal it.
Tony Holmes:
When disporting alfresco, beware!
Gnats and midges may nest in your hair.
This, in turn, makes you itch –
And that itch is a bitch.
It’s a high price to pay for fresh air.
Tim James:
Insurrectionist Klein loudly cursed:
“Damn these roaches! They’re simply the worst!
Move me out of here! Ick!”
But the roaches were quick:
They petitioned to move him out first.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | Comments Off on Limerick-Off Award (465)
Saturday, January 30th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
I’ve taken my dog for a treat
To the rest’rant where I often eat.
I order, and they
Lead my doggie away;
I suppose it’s to give him some meat.
They bring me my lunch in a box,
But inside, I see something that shocks.
“You have roasted my dog!”
And the waiter, agog,
Says “I thought you said ‘Beagle with lox’.”
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Instruments-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A composer just lost it one day;
Now his music is hellish to play.
The percussion’s a roar,
Overwhelming the score.
It’s a cymbal of mental decay.
Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
Mary Lawks visits Scottish lake docks,
Hides smoked salmon all wrapped up in socks.
They’d be put in a box,
Padlocked tight, sunk with rocks.
Mrs. Lawks locks the lox in the lochs.
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR and SUZANNE HEYMANN, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:
Brian Allgar:
“Grasp it firmly with both hands”, he said,
“Now get over it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?
Suzanne Heymann:
You have led us right into temptation
With your rhyme’s instrumental narration.
Your male READERS will swear
And then howl in despair
With your incomplete rare demonstration!
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Sondra Landin, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCKS or LOX or LOCHS or LAWKS” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Dr. Frankenstein built me a fox:
Pretty face, framed by long, lovely locks.
But he did something odd
While constructing her bod.
Let’s just say I’ll be needing two cocks.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
My cousin in Ireland rocks!
All the boys used to call her “the fox.”
Now she’s back in New York,
Fin’ly left County Cork;
Couldn’t wait to have boxty and lox.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Of those sins that wash up on the rocks —
Tattered clothes, shattered toes (still in socks!) —
Horrid sights that appall,
What’s the worst one of all?
Ruined salmon that could have been lox!
Sue Dulley:
She owned oodles of jewels and frocks
And a scarf that was made from a fox.
But she never went out;
Too much trouble, no doubt
Just to style and to set all her locks.
Sondra Landin:
I needed to color my locks
And I chose a new hue from a box.
Now my hair has turned green!
I can’t let it be seen,
So I guess I’ll crawl under some rocks.
Sharon Neeman:
Monday morning, the deli boss (Fox)
Encountered the rudest of shocks:
The Sunday guy (Bridges)
Had burgled the fridges!
Fox had to replace all the lo(x)/(cks).
Tim James:
My friend, who’s a cool refined Brit,
Never curses, not even a bit.
When life deals him hard knocks
He exclaims only “Lawks!”
As for me, though, I just go with “Shit!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
After working my bones to the max,
I go home, sit, drink wine, and relax.
When Dave Brubeck plays live,
I revive and I jive
With “Take Five” on piano and sax.
Sharon Neeman:
I asked Santa to bring me a cello,
But St. Nick only laughed: “My dear fellow,
That won’t fit in my sled;
Try this weed here, instead,
If you’re looking for smooth, rich, and mellow.”
Terry Marter:
When I write about woodwind and brass
The obvious rhyme word is “Ass.”
It’s a word I’ve reviewed,
But it’s bawdy and rude,
So I must find a word with more class.
Sue Dulley:
I love my antique-store barometer
Combined with a handy thermometer.
Three instruments, all
In one frame on the wall,
The third one, of course, a hygrometer.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Please bring me the instruments, Faye.
This stone must come out right away.
She came back with a flute
And an unfretted lute.
I think she brought in the wrong tray.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Since this tambourine chafes at my thumb,”
Said young Starkey, “I guess I’ll just hum.”
But the kid would go far,
And when grown be a star,
Once he ended up snaring a drum.
Rudy Landesman:
There once was a man from Bolzano,
A genius at playing the piano.
He used just one hand
On his old baby grand
And mastered it mano a mano.
Suzanne Heymann, for this 2-verser:
Learning flute was a bitch, I recall.
Before blowing air forward at all,
Both your lips have to ape
A wee hole that’s the shape
Of a diamond, agape, but still small.
I could not make that magical sound,
But in wheezes and hisses, I drowned.
Upper lip had a bump
Quite a big, fleshy lump.
Threw the flute in the dump as I frowned.
Paul Haebig, for this 2-verser:
Last winter I went to Aruba
To paddleboard, snorkel, and scuba.
When I got to the place
I’d brought the wrong case!
I had to breathe air through my tuba.
My snorkeling tuba gave pause
To the other beach-goers because
When I came up for air,
The sound said “Beware!”
It played the theme music from “Jaws.”
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 4 Comments »
Saturday, January 16th, 2021
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Santa pleaded and begged, and cajoled;
In response, though, his missus was bold:
“Me, get naked in here?
It’s the Arctic, my dear!”
It’s a drag when your gal is so cold.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Knitting, Sewing, and/or Other Needlework Crafts-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“Bad news,” said the doctor, dismayed,
As the craft teacher’s X-rays displayed:
“Though the six weeks have passed,
I can’t take off your cast,
’Cause the bones haven’t knit. They’ve… crocheted!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order). Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Byron Miller, Michael Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Steve Benko Diane Groothuis, Konrad Schwoerke, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “COLD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO KNITTING, SEWING, & OTHER NEEDLEWORK CRAFTS-Themed LIMERICKS)
Sue Dulley:
I took on a small sewing task
To make me a nice comfy mask.
So, lo and behold
Now my face isn’t cold
Anymore. (Yes, I’m old. Need you ask?)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COLD” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
On the stump, grumpy Trump (so it’s told),
Grumbled, “Freezing my ass off gets old.”
Maybe if he hangs tough,
He’ll end up soon enough,
In that place where it NEVER gets cold.
Byron Miller:
A lothario’s lust had gone cold
For a woman of size he’d cajoled;
Toward ecstasy driven,
All night, he had striven,
But never did find the right fold.
Sue Dulley:
She longed to wear clothes that were bold,
Even daring; risque’, truth be told,
But she really felt better
In jeans and a sweater –
It’s hard to look hot when you’re cold.
Michael P Moulton:
In an attitude scathing and cold,
Jim Jordan, a self-righteous scold,
Said our founders would never
Back closures; however,
They’re dead, so they cannot be polled.
Rudy Landesman:
America, we have been told,
Has streets that are all lined with gold.
That’s small consolation
For those in our nation
Who huddle and freeze in the cold.
Lisi Nortman, for her “The Seven Dwarfs”
Mr. Grumpy could not be controlled.
Mr. Bashful would always withhold
His longing for friends
And trying new trends.
And Sneezy, of course, had a cold.
Mr. Happy was cheerful and bold.
He couldn’t wake Sleepy, (I’m told.)
Mr. Dopey was thick.
Doc cured all the sick
Except Sneezy, who still had that cold.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (KNITTING, SEWING, & OTHER NEEDLEWORK CRAFTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sue Dulley:
A stitch in time (some say) saves nine,
Which doesn’t quite rhyme, but that’s fine.
So before it gets worse
I will sew up this verse
Just by adding this fifth and last line.
Tim James:
I resolved to give knitting a try,
But I’m clumsy. It all went awry.
I got tangled in yarn
And — oh heck and gosh darn —
A needle near put out my eye.
Tony Holmes:
Manly knitting – what might that entail?
Knitting socks while you languish in jail?
Or at sea, while you pitch?
Careful! Don’t drop that stitch!
Never mind that it’s blowing a gale.
Steve Benko:
Said young Betsy, “Oh, George, please don’t nag,
For I’m almost done sewing your flag.
Now, as for my fee,
Sir, O say can you see
I’m a widow in need of a shag?”
Diane Groothuis:
I took up my needle and thread
To make a nice hat for my head.
But my greatest faux pas
In these times was, by fah,
A baseball cap colored bright red.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Jack, a drunkard, fell splitting his head,
But Jill fixed him with needle and thread.
Both his trauma was mended
And drinking was ended
When she stitched the fool’s scalp to the bed.
Suzanne Heymann:
Some ladies’ club held in a barn
Would embroider, knit, sew, crochet, darn.
Their gossip manure
Made them look immature,
But those grannies could sure spin a yarn!
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Byron Miller, Diane Groothuis, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mike Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Sue Dulley, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 19th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Those in line surreptitiously groan,
“He’s been in there all day with his phone.”
But they’d rather implode
Than the King discommode,
So they won’t push him off of the throne.
Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special MARKET-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My trip to the market was fruitless,
Also vegetable-, stem-, stalk-, and root-less.
They have nothing I need,
But it’s still guaranteed
When I’m done with my shopping I’m loot-less.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MODE/MOWED/COMMODE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
My dad had a very large load
Of bad jokes, which he loved (and it showed.)
“How’d that brave frontier guy,
Davy Crockett, like pie?”
The right answer, of course: “Alamo’d.”
Tony Holmes:
Mister Keats wrote an ode to an urn,
Which is why I will try, in my turn,
To compose you an ode
To my treasured commode.
I’m no Keats, I am sure you’ll discern.
Terry Marter:
We had an old leaky commode
Where the pipes had begun to corrode.
One day, when Mum flushed,
It all bust, and out gushed
The full contents, – a fine Mother-load.
Craig Dykstra:
On the beach, in her thong, she bestowed
Treats to onlookers – everything showed!
But now back home in Philly
Her short skirts are chilly –
She’s regretting her “Pie à la Mowed.”
Tim James:
She’s in furious spring-cleaning mode;
Her superfluous stuff she’ll unload.
Ancient clothing, CDs,
Old computers, TVs,
And her boyfriend sit out by the road.
Doug Harris:
With fashion-sense I’ve been bestowed.
(A picture should shortly upload.)
My barber’s main style
Is ‘farm rank & file.’
He says it’s all quite à-la-mowed!
Sharon Neeman:
Since I learned my cat knows the word “vet,”
I say “market” to baffle the pet —
But this morning, I erred
And employed the right word,
And we’re both now extremely upset:
Kitty leaped into daredevil mode!
All the way down the counter she strode,
Then flew up to the freezer!
She’s STILL there. Can’t seize her.
I mustn’t forget to use code.
Fred Bortz:
Marie Antoinette wrote an ode
To the people on whose backs she rode.
But she made a mistake
Saying, “Let them eat cake!”
When it should have been pie a la mode.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (MARKET LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James:
An Invisible Hand’s said to be
Guiding markets, as long as they’re free.
Well, I’ve seen it. It mocks
Ev’ry one of my stocks.
Guess which finger it’s raising at me.
Brian Allgar:
“That’s a great deal on eBay,” I mused.
“Thirty toilet rolls – can’t be refused!”
But today, what I got ….
Well, I’d failed to spot
The description “Condition is: USED.”
Sharon Neeman:
I need food! How to get to the market?
By car? I’ll have no place to park it.
By bus? I’m too lazy —
Me? Bike?? Are you crazy???
I guess I’ll stay hungry… oh, fark it.
Terry Marter:
At the auction, my earlier tea
Found my bladder just bursting to pee;
Raised my hand for a pause
To attend to my cause.
Oops – too late – I now own a Dalí.
Bob Turvey:
Said our marketing man, “A sensation!
Our dildoes have thrilled the whole nation.
Why in South Delaware
We’ve the whole market share;
We’ve a hundred percent penetration.”
Lisi Nortman:
I went shopping today on a spree!
For breakfast, I only had tea!
I was starving; went wild,
Like an uncontrolled child.
I’m the proud owner now of aisle three.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Four piggies to market were taken.
(The fifth was too smart to awaken.)
One went all to pieces
And faked enuresis.
The rest had to bring home the bacon.
Tim James:
At the market — it’s more like a zoo —
There are crowds, but the face masks are few.
So much saleable stuff!
But it isn’t enough
’Cause these people still can’t buy a clue.
Tony Holmes:
Gladys fancied a farmer she’d met
At the market. Her only regret
Was that much of his food
Was, in shape, very rude,
And she’d blush like a seasoned coquette.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
Saturday, December 5th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
“To my girlfriend,” wrote ardent Bernard
(Who considered himself quite the bard),
“You’re a treasure, sweet Jo;
You make love like a pro.”
He got dumped. Writing poetry’s hard!
Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special LITIGATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I’m poor now, but boy, if you knew me
When I was still rich, that’s the true me!
I said, “I’m the king!
Bow down! Kiss my ring!”
But I shouldn’t have added, “So sue me!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Mironer, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARD, BARRED, DISBARRED, or BOMBARD” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
You can use it for salads or stock;
You can smoke it like pot (that’s no crock.)
You can even bombard
Streets with petrified chard
To keep leaf blowers off of your block.
Dave Johnson:
Our nation is limping and scarred
By his criminal lack of regard.
With Trump on the way
Out the door, I do pray
That his next house is walled-off and barred.
Mark Mironer:
Poor Donnie is taking it hard
So he’s hunting for votes to discard.
Sent his crooked A.G.
On a fraud faking spree.
Certifiably Barr’ll be disbarred.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
“Would you care for a piece of my chard?”
(But by “piece” I was sure he meant “shard.”)
“Not one fragment, one sliver,”
Said I with a shiver.
(From my table these days Sade is barred.)
Brian Allgar:
The windows were padlocked and barred.
The detectives were stumped; Scotland Yard
Called a private detective
Who’d prove more effective:
“Sherlock Holmes” was the name on his card.
Inspector Lestrade was quite shocked
By how quickly the case was unblocked.
Said Holmes, “Element’ry!
The burglar gained entry
By op’ning this door – it’s not locked!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (LITIGATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tony Holmes:
Two confectioners rushed into court,
Each demanding, “You must try my torte!”
“Let the jury decide,”
Said the judge. “I’ll preside.
We’re in session. Let counsel exhort!”
Brian Allgar:
Rudy cries “I’ll continue to sue
Ev’ry state that attempts to vote blue!
And as for my face,
It’s a total disgrace,
So I’m suing those dye-makers too.”
Sharon Neeman:
It behooves the American nation,
In this era of grave infestation,
To wash hands and wear masks,
Avoid crowds and shared flasks,
And refrain from inane litigation.
Terry Marter:
It’s goodbye to that house you’re vacating
And straight to that cell block awaiting.
You can pout, you can frown,
But you’re still goin’ down.
It’s over, — no courtroom debating.
Tim James:
A man filing suit after suit
Found that none of them bore any fruit.
Plus, his client, a jerk,
May not pay for the work.
Rudy couldn’t have been less astute.
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
“Did you kill that girl some folks called Flo?
Whose cheeks were so pink that they’d glow?”
“Well, I chopped off her head
And then left her for dead.”
“Mr. Johnson, please say, “yes” or “no.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young con man who knew no chagrin,
Told his dad, “I’m so practiced at spin,
I should go into Law.”
“That sounds good,” said his paw.
“I was hoping you’d turn yourself in.”
Konrad Schwoerke:
I’d not promised a thing when she blew me,
So her lawyer’s curt letter sure threw me.
I don’t fathom what HE meant
By “oral agreement,”
But I’ll lick her in court should she sue me.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Mironer, Robert Schechter, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 21st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
This may not be a subject for jokes,
But I’m one of a whole bunch of folks
Who’d be pleased if a spell
Turned the Leader from Hell
To a frog… and won’t mind if he croaks.
Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special CONFESSION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“As I watched Mrs. Smithers undress,
I confess, I was under duress.
Were it not for the ropes
That now shackled my hopes,
I would leap to her side and transgress.”
Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.
Hi, I’m Rick; I’m a lim’rickaholic.
Through these fun little verses I frolic,
Neglecting my wife
And all else in my life.
(These poems are so damn diabolic!)
As I lie awake nights, I confesses
I am not counting sheep, only stresses.
Is that line “da da DUM?”
Will the rhyme to me come?
All my lims seem meandering messes.
Is there help somewhere, ’fore I just drop?
I feel like my brain’s gonna pop.
So I must get away,
At least for one day.
(What the heck. Just one more. Then I’ll stop!)
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPELL or DISPEL OR MISSPELL” RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
I call, um, the powers of hell…
I can never remember this spell!
To mix up the potion,
Which way is the motion?
And how many tolls of the bell?
Doug Harris:
Old Merlin ain’t feeling too well:
“This brewing of leeches is hell.
Dismembering toads
Is disturbing me loads.
I think I’ll lie down for a spell …”
Jean McEwen:
One word I routinely misspell
Is the proper noun “Madduhmoyzell.”
Native French speakers hiss
At my substitute (“Miss”)–
But it covers my deficit well.
Fred Bortz:
In wizard school I have done well.
I’m super at casting a spell.
Though she barks like a dog,
And he croaks like a frog,
My Bubbie and Zadie still kvell.
Lisi Nortman:
Some foreigners try hard to spell.
Yet with plurals they’ll never excel.
If “mouses” are mice,
But “houses” ain’t “hice,”
What’s the diff’rence, and how can they tell?
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
They’re too much for mere mortals to handle —
Ceaseless lies and continuous scandal.
So for Joe to dispel
All these demons from Hell,
He’ll be needing a bell, book and candle.
Brian Allgar:
my teechers complaned I cant spell
punktuashun is louzy as well
still evrywun sez
i desserve to be prez
but joe byden has cheeted like hell
Tim James:
Said the raconteur: “Come, set a spell.
Here’s a story I’ve wanted to tell:
This young gal — such a dream! —
Slipped and fell in a stream.
So I spent the day wringing that belle.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I remember my skool days so well,
When lunch was anounced by a bell.
We’d sit in a grupe
Sharing alphabet supe.
And that’s where I lerned how to spel.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFESSION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Lisi Nortman:
O Father, my life’s not fulfilling.
I obsess about things that are chilling.
I confess that I drink;
I can’t stop, cuz I think
That I just may replace it with killing.
Jean McEwen:
Priests must sublimate all their aggressions
And give up almost all their possessions.
But their job has one perk:
In the booth, they can jerk
Off discreetly to kinky confessions.
Sharon Neeman:
Someone here’s made an absolute mess!
Ate my sandwich, threw up on my dress,
Tracked in mud on my bed…
T.S. Eliot said,
“The cat knows, but will never confess.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Confession has sacred appeal.
You avow what you’ve tried to conceal.
It cleanses the soul.
Once again, you feel whole.
Then continue to lie, cheat and steal.
Brian Allgar:
The Bishop said: “Hear my confession …”
The priest wore a puzzled expression.
“But why come to me?”
Said the Bish, “Well, you see,
It was YOUR wife who caused my transgression.”
Tony Holmes:
Seems confession is good for the soul.
I, for one, have gained much on the whole.
I confessed what I’d seen
To my dad and Darleen,
And they added some cash to my roll.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Richard Campbell, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, November 7th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this timely limerick:
I awoke from a wonderful doze;
I dreamed victory fin’lly was Joe’s.
’Twas a big f#%&ing deal.
Wait a minute! It’s REAL?
I’m delighted clear down to my toes!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special DATING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
I couldn’t resist my last date;
Oh, what a delectable bait!
So tender, so young,
And so sweet on my tongue…
I left only the pit on my plate.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Doze or Doughs or Does” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DATING LIMERICKS)
Sharon Neeman:
Too long for the “A” train I’ve waited
On an evening far less than “B”-rated:
The movie he chose
Made both of us doze;
No dinner; I’m feeling “C”-dated.
Tim James:
She’s one of those profligate does,
Spending money wherever she goes.
When she’s out around town
She gains widespread renown
Cause of all of the bucks that she blows.
Konrad Schwoerke:
Your wee darlings glue things to my toes,
And put coins up my schnoz when I doze.
Now I fear for my hair!
It just doesn’t seem fair
That for love I must pay through the nose.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Doze or Doughs or Does” RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
Our town council is taking some flak
And folks want to give them the sack.
Since so many oppose
Their plan to shoot does,
A target’s been placed on their back.
Brian Allgar:
Said the Godfather, “Plenty of dough’s
What that mob-skimming baker now owes,
So just knead him a bit
Till you get him to fit
In his oven, then bake till he glows.”
Tim James:
Tell me, when do you use the word “doughs?”
When they’re pizza and cookies? Who knows?
Are they cash, as in when
You use dollars plus yen?
Mad likes keeping us all on our toes.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Because Homer is led by his nose,
It’s off for pink donuts he goes.
Folks out and about
Without doubt hear him shout —
“Hey, gimme three dozen o’ dohs!”
Lisi Nortman:
How could someone just lie in repose
And miss all those wonderful shows?
The mountains were grand
In the old Borscht Belt land.
But Rip only wanted to doze.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Since I need, and consume, tons of doughs,
Ground from nuts, seeds, or grains — ALL of those!
I will lug on my back
An immense flour sack,
Bake what’s in it, then use it for clothes.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DATING LIMERICK DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
Once I dated a fiery Peruvian
Whose temper was simply Vesuvian.
He flew into a rage
When I asked him his age
(Which I’m certain was antediluvian.)
Sharon Neeman:
Time was, you could dance at a ball,
See a play, wine and dine, have it all —
But what’s dating today
(In the new COVID way)?
Sitting home on a video call.
Terry Marter:
You’re an Irish poetical male,
And your rhythm in bed is a Fail?
You must switch to 12/8
When humping your date,
Or you’ll end up in Limerick jail.
Tim James:
It’s been driving him out of his wits
That he’s dating a gal with great tits.
Now, I give you my word
I refer to the bird
(Though it’s true that her bod never quits).
Konrad Schwoerke:
My experience dating is meager.
I’m awkward and overly eager.
I DON’T know the right moves,
And WHAT are these “night moves?”
You’re NOT friggin’ helping, Bob Seger!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
Mary told me this guy was real bright,
But something just didn’t seem right;
When we went out to eat
He appeared quite elite,
Till he ate the whole steak in one bite.
Paul Haebig:
I’m pursuing a cute intellectual,
But my wooing has proved ineffectual.
Is he straight? Is he gay?
Could he go either way?
Or maybe he’s simply asexual.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 2 Comments »
Saturday, October 10th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Ped’lling London, my good wife and I,
See the Queen’s Guard musicians march by.
They play “Strike Up The Band”
As we bike up The Strand
And we inwardly hear Spooner sigh.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GAME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
A fellow who liked to play chess
Put his hand up a pretty girl’s dress.
His ambitions were wrecked
When he found himself checked.
As for mate, he’d no chance of success.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Paul Haebig, Cyn, Konrad Schwoerke, Sharon Neeman, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BAND or BANNED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GAME-themed LIMERICKS)
Steve Benko:
Thought the card sharp, “A game of strip poker
Will quickly and surely uncloak her.”
But though cheating was banned,
She’d snuck into her hand
Enough aces to beat any joker.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BAND or BANNED” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
An assembly of sharks is called “Shiver”;
And a cluster of cobras a “Quiver”;
Flocked flamingos a “Stand”;
Grouped gorillas a “Band.”
Chickens crossing the highway? “Chopped Liver.”
Tim James:
He’s infected (now, THAT was unplanned)
By the “hoax” that’s been sweeping the land.
Of my thoughts in this case
I’ll reveal not a trace
Lest by Madeleine Kane I get banned.
Brian Allgar:
We were dancing a slow sarabande
When she said: “Would you like one night-stand?”
What I got, though, from Mabel
Was one bedside table,
Which wasn’t quite what I had planned.
Paul Haebig:
The green room provisions this band
Requires are way out of hand:
– No green M&M’s
– Ninety roses (long stems)
– And an altar to worship Ayn Rand.
Cyn:
Unzipping his jeans, Sammy led
Saucy Sally to bed, where he said,
“Although Mom says it’s banned
If I use my own hand,
I figured we’d use yours instead.”
Tim James:
A moron blew seventy grand
On his hair. Doesn’t that beat the band!
As for taxes, evasion
Suits ev’ry occasion.
To primp and to skimp is his brand.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said my doc, “Eggs and bacon are banned,
And eat nothing prepackaged or canned.
Avoid beer, wine, and malt,
Cut out sugar and salt.
Longer life? See how much you can stand.”
Brian Allgar:
“No mask, like the folk that elected me;
My strong constitution protected me.
But I’m sick, like they planned,
And my rallies are banned –
It musta been Biden infected me!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)
Konrad Schwoerke:
I have tried playing tournament Scrabble,
But I suck, so I now merely dabble
In building with piles
Of small lettered tiles—
Voilà!—it’s the Tower of Babel.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Though the Great Game of Golf I shan’t mock,
And its cute dimpled ball I can’t knock,
All that junk in the bag
Is too heavy to drag,
And does nothing but spoil a good walk.
Sharon Neeman:
Wow! A double half twist! Look at that!
If I tried it myself, I’d go splat —
But she climbs ever higher,
Then slides down a wire…
The world is her game. She’s my cat.
Brian Allgar:
I was playing strip-poker one night
With a girl who had bet to the height
On four kings. Well, I knew
My four aces would do.
“I’ll see you”, I said. What a sight!
Kirk Miller:
When I asked a French woman if she
Enjoyed video games, I could see
Her beginning to smile.
She replied to me, “I’ll
Have to say that the answer is Wii.”
Dave Johnson:
Here’s a game that you might like to play:
Imagine you’re far, far away
One decade ago;
There’s an orderly flow.
And Trump hasn’t ruined your day.
Tim James:
He considered it all fun and games
As he cheated with multiple dames.
But the ladies found out
And they turned on the lout.
Now “Mud” is just one of his names.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Cyn, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Tim James, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 6 Comments »
Saturday, August 1st, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
Its stores were all closed in the fall.
Outside, not one occupied stall.
They’ll auction away
The whole complex today;
Which proves that you CAN win a mall.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special NAG-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
If I prod you to zig when you zag,
Or try spurring you on when you lag,
You just snort like a horse.
So I’m puzzled, of course,
As to which one of us is the nag.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.
Though her husband’s been dead since September
And it’s now two weeks into December,
Mrs. D. finds no peace,
No surcease, no release
From the words she will always remember:
“Humpty dear,” she had nagged, “I’ll be bound,
You are getting entirely too round.
Just watching you dress
Is a source of distress:
You’ve outgrown all your clothing!” she’d frowned —
But he’d smiled! “Dear, don’t worry at all;
I’ll just buy some new clothes at the mall.
Have you seen their new ad?
‘Come on down — you’ll be glad —
Buy our specials and Have a Great Fall!'”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Peter Sheil, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MALL/MAUL” RHYME DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said the globetrotter, “I’ve seen it all —
Machu Picchu! The grand Taj Mahal!
But the best sight I’ve seen?
Back in two aught nineteen:
An old ghost town some folks called ‘The Mall.’”
Tim James:
At Home Depot I purchased a maul
Since I’ll need to split wood in the fall.
It’s a sharp, nasty tool.
There’s no risk, though; it’s cool.
It turns out I can’t lift it at all.
Peter Sheil:
For the seasonal sale in the fall
An American goes to the mall,
While his young British pal
Goes to shop in the mall—
Though in truth there’s no difference at all.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
I’m sure to stay busy through fall,
Since I’m summoned by poetry’s call.
Loads of odes still to mangle,
Then torture and strangle,
Plus lim’ricks galore I can maul!
Jean McEwen:
When I wander around in the mall,
I will oft hear that clarion call:
“Come buy it! You need it!”
I try not to heed it,
Yet always head home with a haul.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (NAG LIMERICK DIVISION)
Suzanne Heymann:
If she nags you, don’t nag back or diss her.
She might leave you, and then you would miss her.
If she just starts to blabber,
Don’t jab her, don’t stab her.
Just nab her and grab her, then kiss her!
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I found my old nag by the brook.
He threw up and then violently shook.
Seems he ate too much hay;
He sure wasn’t okay
And he gave me a real baleful look
Tony Holmes:
“From a lifetime of losing on nags,
Chasing women, and too many fags*,
I can say for a cert
That, though losing my shirt,
When you give them up – Wow! – how time drags.”
*Fags in the UK are cigarettes.
Dave Johnson:
Double jeopardy answers the bell
When a partner is picky as hell.
Critique without pause
Is most likely to cause
A headache that’s nagging as well.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Peter Sheil, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts, Poetry Contest | 1 Comment »
Saturday, July 18th, 2020
It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:
Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.
Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.
Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)
Richard Campbell:
The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)
Tim James:
Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)
Roger Haugen:
“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.
Brian Allgar:
“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.
Tony Holmes:
“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?
Lisi Nortman:
I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.
Kirk Miller:
He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.
Suzanne Heymann:
There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!
HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)
Konrad Schwoerke:
What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”
Wayne Feder:
Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.
Tim James:
A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”
Lisi Nortman Ardissone:
I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”
Jean McEwen:
Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.
Kirk Miller:
An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.
Dave Johnson:
“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…
Tim James:
As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Richard Campbell, Roger Haugen, Sharon Neeman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Wayne Feder, Writing Competitions, Writing Contest
Posted in Contests, Limerick & Haiku Prompts, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Competition, Limerick Contest, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest, Limericks, Poetry & Prompts | 1 Comment »
