Posts Tagged ‘Konrad Schwoerke’

Limerick-Off Award (456)

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this timely limerick:

I awoke from a wonderful doze;
I dreamed victory fin’lly was Joe’s.
’Twas a big f#%&ing deal.
Wait a minute! It’s REAL?
I’m delighted clear down to my toes!

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special DATING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I couldn’t resist my last date;
Oh, what a delectable bait!
So tender, so young,
And so sweet on my tongue…
I left only the pit on my plate.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Doze or Doughs or Does” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DATING LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Too long for the “A” train I’ve waited
On an evening far less than “B”-rated:
The movie he chose
Made both of us doze;
No dinner; I’m feeling “C”-dated.

Tim James:

She’s one of those profligate does,
Spending money wherever she goes.
When she’s out around town
She gains widespread renown
Cause of all of the bucks that she blows.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Your wee darlings glue things to my toes,
And put coins up my schnoz when I doze.
Now I fear for my hair!
It just doesn’t seem fair
That for love I must pay through the nose.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Doze or Doughs or Does” RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

Our town council is taking some flak
And folks want to give them the sack.
Since so many oppose
Their plan to shoot does,
A target’s been placed on their back.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Godfather, “Plenty of dough’s
What that mob-skimming baker now owes,
So just knead him a bit
Till you get him to fit
In his oven, then bake till he glows.”

Tim James:

Tell me, when do you use the word “doughs?”
When they’re pizza and cookies? Who knows?
Are they cash, as in when
You use dollars plus yen?
Mad likes keeping us all on our toes.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Because Homer is led by his nose,
It’s off for pink donuts he goes.
Folks out and about
Without doubt hear him shout —
“Hey, gimme three dozen o’ dohs!”

Lisi Nortman:

How could someone just lie in repose
And miss all those wonderful shows?
The mountains were grand
In the old Borscht Belt land.
But Rip only wanted to doze.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Since I need, and consume, tons of doughs,
Ground from nuts, seeds, or grains — ALL of those!
I will lug on my back
An immense flour sack,
Bake what’s in it, then use it for clothes.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DATING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

Once I dated a fiery Peruvian
Whose temper was simply Vesuvian.
He flew into a rage
When I asked him his age
(Which I’m certain was antediluvian.)

Sharon Neeman:

Time was, you could dance at a ball,
See a play, wine and dine, have it all —
But what’s dating today
(In the new COVID way)?
Sitting home on a video call.

Terry Marter:

You’re an Irish poetical male,
And your rhythm in bed is a Fail?
You must switch to 12/8
When humping your date,
Or you’ll end up in Limerick jail.

Tim James:

It’s been driving him out of his wits
That he’s dating a gal with great tits.
Now, I give you my word
I refer to the bird
(Though it’s true that her bod never quits).

Konrad Schwoerke:

My experience dating is meager.
I’m awkward and overly eager.
I DON’T know the right moves,
And WHAT are these “night moves?”
You’re NOT friggin’ helping, Bob Seger!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Mary told me this guy was real bright,
But something just didn’t seem right;
When we went out to eat
He appeared quite elite,
Till he ate the whole steak in one bite.

Paul Haebig:

I’m pursuing a cute intellectual,
But my wooing has proved ineffectual.
Is he straight? Is he gay?
Could he go either way?
Or maybe he’s simply asexual.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (455)

Saturday, October 24th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

While shopping for clothes, be astute.
It’s for work, so not overly cute.
Geez, that jacket’s a sack!
Please don’t pick off the rack—
All you’ll find is some low-hanging suit.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special NEIGHBOR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’ve a house in the country. Out there,
I have quiet, clear skies, and fresh air.
But it isn’t all nice.
I found out there’s a price
When my neighbor got et by a bear.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SUIT/PURSUIT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO NEIGHBOR LIMERICKS)

Tony Holmes:

“Well, dear neighbour, I think you can tell
It’s been good fun to visit a spell.
But like every pursuit,
Brief is best, lest its fruit
Should turn bitter. I bid you farewell!”

Brian Allgar:

I’m engaged in a lustful pursuit
Of my neighbor, who’s temptingly cute.
So I long for the day
When her husband’s away;
“Love thy neighbor” – the Bible’s my route!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Get a cauldron that’s really top notch;
Add some gin and six bottles of scotch,
Toe of frog, eye of newt —
It’s a charm that should suit
When you’re out there on Neighborhood Watch.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SUIT/PURSUIT” RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”

Brian Allgar:

“They call me a crook and a brute,
But it seems that they don’t give a hoot
For Obama’s great crime –
The guy should do time
For wearing that tan-colored suit!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All I want is a guy who is cute.
I don’t care if he’s nice or astute.
Yet my mom knows a lot
And she said I should not
Continue this triv’yal pursuit.

Tony Holmes:

It is best, when preparing good food,
Not to do so when tiddly and nude.
Quite apart from the fruit
Leaving stains on your ‘suit,’
You’ll have guests who’ll regard it as rude.

Tim James:

When she opened her door, he was mute.
She had dolled herself up, no dispute.
Hair and make-up? Chef’s kiss.
But the kicker was this:
Her exceedingly fine birthday suit.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I was once in addictive pursuit
Of campaign buttons (ugly or cute.)
But now I’ve no use
For button abuse —
Except for the one labeled “Mute.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NEIGHBOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

My neighbor (a snoot and a snoop)
Parks herself, every day, on the stoop
Of her spic and span house
And proceeds, then, to grouse
About all of the dogs she sees poop.

Dave Johnson:

The couple upstairs didn’t care
If they broadcast their steamy affair.
At first, “Oohs” and “Aahs”
Followed up with a pause;
Then an “Uuh” to announce he was there.

Tim James:

My neighbor emits quite a din
From the next-door apartment she’s in.
With her boyfriend, Big Rod,
She cries out to her God.
How I wish that the walls weren’t so thin!

Tony Holmes:

If your neighbor should give you the eye,
Don’t rush in! Stop, and ask yourself, “Why?”
She is young, bold and hot,
And let’s face it, you’re not;
Then again, Bud, go reach for the sky!

Dave Johnson:

He’s known as the neighborhood pest;
As merely “Hello” will attest.
When trapped in a chat,
One solution for that:
Proclaiming that Trump is the best.

Tony Holmes:

Our new neighbors look friendly enough –
And compliant. No need to get tough.
Give them time, early days;
Once they’re trained in our ways,
We’ll pop over and borrow their stuff.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It appears that my neighbors have started
To wear face masks with slogans imparted:
’Cross the street lives “Free Hugs,”
On the corner “Got Drugs?”
Right next door “Blah Blah Blah” and “Who Farted?”

Konrad Schwoerke:

Though your home is the fruit of your labors,
You might not get to pick your close neighbors.
Sure most couples will fight,
But all day and all night?
And on horseback with cavalry sabers?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (454)

Saturday, October 10th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ped’lling London, my good wife and I,
See the Queen’s Guard musicians march by.
They play “Strike Up The Band”
As we bike up The Strand
And we inwardly hear Spooner sigh.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GAME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow who liked to play chess
Put his hand up a pretty girl’s dress.
His ambitions were wrecked
When he found himself checked.
As for mate, he’d no chance of success.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Paul Haebig, Cyn, Konrad Schwoerke, Sharon Neeman, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BAND or BANNED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GAME-themed LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

Thought the card sharp, “A game of strip poker
Will quickly and surely uncloak her.”
But though cheating was banned,
She’d snuck into her hand
Enough aces to beat any joker.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BAND or BANNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An assembly of sharks is called “Shiver”;
And a cluster of cobras a “Quiver”;
Flocked flamingos a “Stand”;
Grouped gorillas a “Band.”
Chickens crossing the highway? “Chopped Liver.”

Tim James:

He’s infected (now, THAT was unplanned)
By the “hoax” that’s been sweeping the land.
Of my thoughts in this case
I’ll reveal not a trace
Lest by Madeleine Kane I get banned.

Brian Allgar:

We were dancing a slow sarabande
When she said: “Would you like one night-stand?”
What I got, though, from Mabel
Was one bedside table,
Which wasn’t quite what I had planned.

Paul Haebig:

The green room provisions this band
Requires are way out of hand:
– No green M&M’s
– Ninety roses (long stems)
– And an altar to worship Ayn Rand.

Cyn:

Unzipping his jeans, Sammy led
Saucy Sally to bed, where he said,
“Although Mom says it’s banned
If I use my own hand,
I figured we’d use yours instead.”

Tim James:

A moron blew seventy grand
On his hair. Doesn’t that beat the band!
As for taxes, evasion
Suits ev’ry occasion.
To primp and to skimp is his brand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said my doc, “Eggs and bacon are banned,
And eat nothing prepackaged or canned.
Avoid beer, wine, and malt,
Cut out sugar and salt.
Longer life? See how much you can stand.”

Brian Allgar:

“No mask, like the folk that elected me;
My strong constitution protected me.
But I’m sick, like they planned,
And my rallies are banned –
It musta been Biden infected me!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I have tried playing tournament Scrabble,
But I suck, so I now merely dabble
In building with piles
Of small lettered tiles—
Voilà!—it’s the Tower of Babel.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Great Game of Golf I shan’t mock,
And its cute dimpled ball I can’t knock,
All that junk in the bag
Is too heavy to drag,
And does nothing but spoil a good walk.

Sharon Neeman:

Wow! A double half twist! Look at that!
If I tried it myself, I’d go splat —
But she climbs ever higher,
Then slides down a wire…
The world is her game. She’s my cat.

Brian Allgar:

I was playing strip-poker one night
With a girl who had bet to the height
On four kings. Well, I knew
My four aces would do.
“I’ll see you”, I said. What a sight!

Kirk Miller:

When I asked a French woman if she
Enjoyed video games, I could see
Her beginning to smile.
She replied to me, “I’ll
Have to say that the answer is Wii.”

Dave Johnson:

Here’s a game that you might like to play:
Imagine you’re far, far away
One decade ago;
There’s an orderly flow.
And Trump hasn’t ruined your day.

Tim James:

He considered it all fun and games
As he cheated with multiple dames.
But the ladies found out
And they turned on the lout.
Now “Mud” is just one of his names.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (448)

Saturday, July 18th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.

Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)

Richard Campbell:

The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)

Roger Haugen:

“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.

Brian Allgar:

“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.

Tony Holmes:

“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?

Lisi Nortman:

I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.

Kirk Miller:

He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.

Suzanne Heymann:

There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”

Wayne Feder:

Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.

Tim James:

A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”

Jean McEwen:

Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.

Kirk Miller:

An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.

Dave Johnson:

“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…

Tim James:

As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (332)

Saturday, October 12th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I said, “Sigmund, you must get a grip!
I’m not watching a cross-dresser strip.”
But he tuned out my plea;
Now I cannot unsee
What was under his Freudian slip.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boss-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mid-management suck-ups are worst;
Indulging their own selfish thirst.
Don’t ask for a raise,
Any guidance or praise;
The backsides they’re smooching come first.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “GRIP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BOSS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz:

The sailors all started to shirk
’Cause the man at the helm was a jerk.
He soon lost his grip
On the crew of the ship.
He was more Captain Hook than James Kirk.

Tim James:

My boss says, “I run a tight ship,”
As we’re crushed in his power-mad grip.
When I quit one fine day
I’ll look over his way;
The proverbial bird I will flip.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIP” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

I swallowed the ’shrooms, took a trip
On a glorious, mystical ship,
And words cannot say
What I gained on that day
From the lesson of losing my grip.

Roger Haugen:

When the sickly old man took a sip
Of a potion with unsurpassed zip,
The flu quickly fled–
He leapt from his bed,
So glad he was losing his grippe.

Jean McEwen:

Dick just should have bitten his lip,
But, enraged, he tripped up (lost his grip),
So he shrieked at his shrink,
“Bitch, you drive me to kink!”
(Then regretted his Freudian slip).

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOSS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Though I work every day at a loss,
My company won’t come across:
“There’s no money for you.”
And I know that it’s true,
Because actually, I’m my own boss.

Robert Schechter:

“Come here. Brush my teeth,” said my boss.
I did so and did not grow cross.
But I threw a big fit
And I threatened to quit
When he opened his mouth and said, “Floss!”

Dave Johnson:

A crabby, mean boss in Seattle
Grew sick of employees he’d battle.
But lately the word
Is he’s driving a herd;
He thinks he’ll do better with cattle.

Tim James:

His boss and he frequently clash,
And he suffers, as under the lash.
Here she comes, and he’s sure
There’s fresh hell to endure:
“If you would, dear, please take out the trash.”

Lisi Nortman: (Advice to the New Girl)

“Don’t get yourself into a tizzy;
You’re so nervous, you’re making me dizzy.
Remember, I said:
‘You must keep a cool head.
When the boss walks in, act like you’re busy.’”

Konrad Schwoerke:

The top dog at my firm is a jerk,
Always leering and touching at work.
But they laughed sans restraint
At my HR complaint;
Now the bitch makes me bump, grind, and twerk.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (331)

Saturday, September 28th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”

Lisi Nortman:

Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”

Sharon Neeman:

Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.

A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”

Steve Benko:

“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”

Bindy Bitterman:

When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!

Tim James:

With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)

Tony Holmes:

An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.

Brian Allgar:

The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)

Jean McEwen:

Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.

Steve Benko:

I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.

Bindy Bitterman:

Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (327)

Saturday, July 27th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

His pie made with herbs and key lime
Was disgusting, a cul’nary crime.
Though the chef’s name was Basil,
His dish failed to dazzle —
In fact, a complete waste of thyme.

Congratulations to ROGER HAUGEN, who wins the Special Investment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The investments that pay off are not
What traditional wisdom has taught;
This wide-open field
Offers maximum yield,
Where the smart money’s going to pot.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

To save for retirement these days,
We rely on our 401(k)s.
But the people we trust
To invest (as we must)
Like to fleece us in devious ways.

Chances are that your broker has glossed
Over fees and expenses and cost.
He describes them as small,
But in no time at all,
Huge chunks of your money get lost.

We’ve none of us time to be scholars
Of the market, so nobody hollers
When the loss — over years
Of our working careers —
Mounts to multiple thousands of dollars.

Plus, here’s a conundrum that’s funny:
Let the climate be stormy, or sunny;
Be it bull, be it bear:
Still, your money’s not there
’Til you sell! Call it Schroedinger’s Money.

So your gains in the market you plot:
You think it’s real money. It’s not.
While you tally in vain
Theoretical gain,
Your broker’s off buying a yacht.

The truth is, although you may feel
That your agent’s small fees are a steal,
The money you make
In the market is fake…
And your broker’s commission is real.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Jean McEwen, Steve Benko, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Tim James, Bruce McGuffin, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and John Cooney. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TIME/THYME” RHYME DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I put all of my money in stocks
That I kept in a drawer with my socks.
This, my wife and her lover
Were quick to discover;
I should’ve invested in locks.

Jean McEwen:

Pete and Pam, perfect partners in crime,
Swindled suckers galore in their prime.
They attained great acclaim
In the Thieves’ Hall of Fame,
But today they are serving hard time.

Steve Benko:

A large gin and tonic with lime
May be needed to help pass the time,
For the Donald, I fear,
Still has over a year
To drain swamps and refill them with slime.

Byron Miller

To create pasta sauce that’s sublime,
Correct seasoning usage is prime.
Basil adds to the blend,
Plus oregano, friend,
And remember, good sauces take thyme.

Fred Bortz:

In Congress, some cheered, “Mueller time!”
Yet to hear him was far from sublime.
He seemed “long in the tooth,”
But delivered this truth:
Obstruction by Trump was a crime.

Will T. Laughlin:

I feel I’m committing a crime
By subscribing to Amazon Prime,
Where the workers must fight
With a quota so tight
That they have to go backwards in time.

Tim James:

She and I, in a warm sunny clime,
In a citrus grove had a good time.
’Neath a fruit-laden tree
She made sweet love with me.
The delight of that day was sub lime.

Bruce McGuffin:

I have given up wasting my time
In the search for that one perfect rhyme.
Literati raise hell
But most people can’t tell.
And the slant rhymes I choose work out fine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INVESTMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

“Don’t invest all your money, dear Tommy.
Rainy days might just come,” said my mommy.
So I did what she said,
And I’m still in the red
Cuz I didn’t expect a tsunami.

Will T. Laughlin:

I thought my investment was sound,
But my 404(k) hit the ground.
“Don’t you mean four-oh-one?”
You may ask. Oh, my son:
404 means the File Can’t Be Found.

John Cooney:

There once was an old guy who said,
To his sexy young wife, so well bred:
“Wait up for me, honey.
Invest all our money
In cryonics, as soon as I’m dead!”

Tim James:

My financial adviser put me
In a pyramid scheme (for a fee.)
I wised up, dropped a dime,
And he’s now doing time.
In the end, though, I’m broker than he.

Steve Benko:

Said my grandpa, “Forget about stocks;
Put your money in bagels and lox.
You can make lots of mammon
By smoking a salmon;
My boy, opportunity knocks.”

Fred Bortz:

In the market some folks try their luck
When hoping to make a big buck.
But I’d rather play poker
Than buy from a broker
And hear him explaining, “Oh f*ck.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“What’s a Stock Broker?” asked my dear son.
“I’ve heard that the job can be fun.”
I replied, “He’s a brute
Who will take all your loot
And invest it until there is none.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (303)

Saturday, August 4th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Now, a word that’s not easy to peg,
Is the word for the white of an egg.
Repeat “joke joke joke joke”
And you’ll think the word’s “yolk.”
But it’s not: I’ve been pulling your leg.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special SPAM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I tried on-line dating, but since
I’m finding it hard to convince
Any girls to reply,
I suppose I shall die
A lonely Nigerian Prince.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ken Gosse, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Robert Schechter, Tony Holmes, David Franks, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “YOKE/YOLK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SPAM-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Ken Gosse:

One morning, my egg had a yolk
Which was green, like a St. Patrick’s joke.
And so was my ham,
So I wrote, “Spam I Am.”
Dr. Seuss sued, so now I am broke.

Sharon Neeman:

I’m allergic — Fate’s cruelest joke:
If you offer me peanuts, I’ll choke;
I get rashes from fruit
And from dairy I toot,
And I eat neither egg white nor yolk.

I throw up from salami and Spam;
I can’t touch chicken, duck, beef or ham;
I break out from tomatoes —
What’s left? Sweet potatoes
Thrice daily. I yam what I yam.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“YOKE/YOLK” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He made a mistake when he spoke;
He said “would”, but meant “wouldn’t,” poor bloke.
Now he sulks in disgrace
With egg on his face —
Dumb Donald just can’t take a yolk.

Lisi Nortman:

In order to get to the yolk,
You give that cute sucker a poke.
Then gook will spill out
Like a damn gushing spout.
Cooking sucks. Just eat out. Go for broke.

Sharon Neeman:

“First you iron the sleeves, then the yoke,”
Grandma taught me, and “Sprinkle — don’t soak!”
Now I wear crinkle cotton,
But haven’t forgotten
The love in her voice when she spoke.

Dave Johnson:

Humpty Dumpty, like regular folk,
Would sit on the wall for a smoke.
But after his splat,
Said a fellow named Pratt:
“I told you that guy was a yolk.”

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m afraid I’m not one of those folk
Whose “yoke” sounds the same as their “yolk.”
Oh, I could pretend;
But I know, in the end,
I’d regret it the moment I… spolk?

Robert Schechter:

To those who are hip, wise and woke,
The white’s not as healthy as yolk,
So if you’re consumin’
Not yolk, but albumen,
It’s likely that soon you will croak.

Tony Holmes:

Svedish businessman, Jurgenson Svolke,
Was so large all his clothes were bespoke.
“Ven you’re sefen feed tall,
Normal clothes is too schmall;
Gedding trousers dat fit is no yoke.”

David Franks:

We’re a team, as if joined by a yoke,
And our “marital bond” we invoke,
But my wife made a noose,
For she didn’t deduce
That “the old ball and chain” is a joke.

Dave Johnson:

In rowing, he’s known as The Stroke;
Then there’s Starboard, another big bloke.
They power the shell
When it’s all going well
Like oxen attached to a yoke.

The rest of us try to keep pace;
Intent upon winning the race.
If we manage a burst
And we wind up in first,
Our coxswain gets launched into space.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPAM-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Did you know that The Donald loves Spam?
I’m totally shocked. (Yes I am.)
But now on reflection,
There is a connection.
Of course! He’s the world’s biggest HAM!

Tim James:

What’s in Spam? Here, I’ll give it a stab:
Salt and nitrite (both more than a dab),
Sugar, water, starch, meat.
It won’t hurt you to eat,
Though it looks like it’s grown in a lab.

Konrad Schwoerke:

From my snooze, I awoke to the stews’
Cries for women and children, in queues.
What could cause all this panic?
Was this the Titanic?
It was Spam on our Carnival cruise.

Dave Johnson:

This P.O.T.U.S. is such a big sham;
He embodies the flim and the flam.
Dr. Seuss would prescribe
One fate for his tribe:
A diet of green eggs and Spam.

David Franks:

It’s not marmoset, egret or lamb;
Neither lizard, nor hagfish, nor clam;
Not giraffe, worm, dog, cat,
Yeast, turducken or bat,
Nor planarian. I’m guessing Spam.

Lisi Nortman:

Even though it was clearly a sham,
I opened this e-mail. (Oh damn!)
It said, “Here’s a great plan:
It’s called ‘Pork In A Can'”
(Any jerk could just tell it was Spam.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (302)

Saturday, July 21st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Poor Billy. He fell for the spell
Of the belle of the ball. All was well,
’Til he swung her and tripped
At the moment they dipped,
And we all heard the bawl of the belle.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Punishment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Kinky punishment’s part of her act,
And at times she wears costumes. In fact,
With one client, for fun,
She dressed up like a nun.
But it wasn’t his knuckles she whacked.

Congratulations to Sharon Neeman and Brian Allgar, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, written because they apparently found my limerick theme choice to be punishing:

Sharon Neeman:

This week’s challenge is far from sublime:
Mad has found us a verb with no rhyme!
Not “astonish” or “banish”
Or “donnish” or “vanish” –
Just “nunnish,” which wastes all our time.

Brian Allgar:

Poor Sharon complains that this week
The lack of a rhyme-verb is bleak,
And to seek one for “punish”
Could only be funnish
For one with a masochist streak.

Madeleine Begun Kane:

Please don’t punish the judge for her theme-choice.
(One might modishly call it her meme-choice.)
For you’re free as a bird
To select any word
And determine your own rhyming scheme-choice.

Brian Allgar: (written, Brian claims, after a few drinks)

Dear Mad –

I washn’t intending to critishize
But shimply attempting to wittishize
Poor Sharon’s shad plight
As besht as I might
Through whishky-befuddled old British eyes

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order: Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Mark Westin, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Ken Gosse, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PUNISHMENT LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

“Come lie down and be whipped,” hissed the “pastor;”
“You have shown disrespect to your master.”
His “disciple,” sweet Belle,
Grinned and answered “Like hell!
Though you’re older and bigger, I’m faster.”

Brian Allgar:

An athletic young hooker called Belle
Said “You’ve been a bad boy, I’ve heard tell.”
So she spanked and she spanked
While the President wanked,
Till his bum was bright orange as well.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a fellow named Mel,
Whose date was proceeding quite well;
He was baring it all
With the belle of the ball –
Then he saw the two balls of the belle.

Dave Johnson:

He’s dating a true Southern belle
Who’s gracious and gorgeous as well.
We talked for a while
And he said with a smile:
“She’s horny and I’m feeling swell.”

Stephen Whitred:

Neither ask who is tolling the bell,
Nor for whom is its sorrowful knell,
Cuz the answer you see
Is it’s ringing for thee,
And you’re Donne for, or so I hear tell.

Tony Holmes:

When I ponder the night I met Belle
All the veins in my neck start to swell.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled –
But ’twas ME spent the night in a cell!

Will T. Laughlin:

From the depths of Political Hell
Came the sharp, metaphorical yell
Of a crotch-grabbing schmuck
With his short fingers stuck
In the crack of the Liberty Bell.

Dave Johnson:

When someone says “clear as a bell”
My question is: how does it knell?
Does transparency bring
A much zingier ding,
With a dong that is longer as well?

Mark Westin:

In the old days ’twas telephone hell
When the circuits were ruled by Ma Bell,
Till a wireless coup
Promised freedom anew.
But we wound up enslaved by the cell.

Lisi Nortman:

Ten items at checkout? Oh hell!
I’ve eleven, but no one can tell.
I just must buy that treat
Or my doggie won’t eat.
(And what a cool way to rebel!)

Stephen Whitred says:

What I said was as clear as a bell,
And our summit was super and swell.
He’s my biggily bear,
And I really don’t care
That he calls me his mademoiselle.

Tim James:

A woman was hotter than hell,
But she couldn’t do math very well.
“Four plus four’s forty-four.
Maybe less? Maybe more?”
She’s well-known as a true ding-dong belle.

Konrad Schwoerke:

In high school, I always did well,
But my shyness made being there hell.
My virginity loomed
(I’d have sworn I was doomed);
Then, at prom, I was saved by the belle.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNISHMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

And now, for his manifold sins,
Trump’s punishment truly begins:
His dreadful remarks
Got the man who hates sharks
In hot water, surrounded by Fin(n)s.

Ken Gosse:

Trump would punish potential rebellion
By demanding that each wanton hellion
Watch his face night and day,
And hear all that he’d say.
His draconian touch was Orwellian.

Sharon Neeman:

Snatching kids makes America big?
Throw the Snatcher-in-Chief in the brig!
Make him pay for his fun:
Give that immigrant’s son
A new jumpsuit — same shade as his wig.

Jean McEwen:

You’ve committed a terrible crime,
But you’d rather not serve lots of time.
Disinclined to repentance?
Then ponder this sentence:
Old Sparky is truly sublime!

Sharon Neeman:

At dinner, if ever I said
Something nasty, they sent me to bed —
So I often was rude:
“Reading’s better than food;
Let my brothers do dishes instead!”

Konrad Schwoerke:

I’m emotional during my time,
And I sob at the drop of a dime.
I was wailing when nailed;
Now I’m wailing while jailed.
I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (301)

Saturday, July 7th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Her car’d broken down in Nantucket.
A driver pulled up. She said, “Fuck it!
The engine won’t go.
Could you give me a tow?”
So he pulled off a shoe and said “Suck it.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Joint-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I wondered, when handed the ointment,
Exactly what “rub on your joint” meant,
’Cause needless to say,
I was wasted that day.
And that reefer? A big disappointment.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Chad Parenteau, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Wendy Watson, Tony Holmes, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOE/TOW/CHATEAU” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The challenge was touching your toe;
Bent over, how low could you go?
Years later, we’re told
That instruction was sold
By pill makers needing to grow.

Lisi Nortman:

My Labrador loves tic tac toe
And considers herself quite a pro.
Yet I win every game,
And it’s really a shame
That she can’t tell an “x” from an “o.”

Chad Parenteau:

There once was a man on the go
Who ended up breaking his toe.
Insurance insisted
The pain pre-existed,
And all he could do was cry, “No!”

Sharon Neeman:

Said the lass to the big-footed trucker,
“Can you tow me?” — eyes wide, lips a-pucker.
“I sure can, dear — let’s go!”
Whereupon his big toe
Was employed by the trucker to fuck her.

Fred Bortz:

In Phantom, a musical show,
There’s a moment of “Look out below!”
The chandelier crashes.
The panicked crowd dashes,
And that’s how I broke my big toe.

Dave Johnson:

So here’s how his morning would go:
He started off stubbing a toe.
The car wouldn’t start;
Then a seatmate did fart
On a crowded bus going too slow.

Arriving at work rather late,
His boss – a real jerk – hollered “Nate!
We’re giving your job
To a newbie named Rob;
And you’re to take mine – which you’ll hate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JOINT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

There are sex joints for prosties and panders;
There are card joints for slick sleight-of-handers;
But the joint that I choose
Is the one that made news
Kicking out Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Brian Allgar:

At ‘The Family Butcher,’ they say
Half their family vanished away.
When they looked in the shop
They found joints of Grandpop,
Leg of Dad, and poor Mother’s filet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I tried this new stuff from a jar
Which claims it will help you “go far.”
It oils up your knees
So that running’s a breeze.
(And it also works great on your car.)

Wendy Watson:

My joints are engendering pain,
And I’ll never do handstands again.
As for pliés – no chance,
And a hot salsa dance
Would result in a gluteal strain.

Tony Holmes:

It attacks, unannounced, in one spot,
Then retrenches and takes its next shot.
Ankles, knees and big toes –
Sometimes heels; then gout goes
And resurfaces where it was not.

Tim James:

I once knew a woman named Lee;
What a great source of fun she could be!
Always good for a buzz,
Double-jointed she was.
That’s to say: one for her, one for me.

Tony Holmes:

In my youth I knew nothing of dread;
Leapt, gazelle-like, each morning from bed.
But today, should I leap,
I’d collapse in a heap;
Seems the springbok within me has fled.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (299)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:

“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:

As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.

Sharon Neeman:

A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

Bob Dvorak:

I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

Byron Miller:

When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.

Tim James:

He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:

Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!

Dave Johnson:

Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.

Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

Lisi Nortman:

My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

Brian Allgar:

“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”

Dave Johnson:

With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.

Tony Holmes:

Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.

Tim James:

My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (298)

Sunday, May 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

An amorous couple began
Canoodling back in the can.
Six miles up above,
Making passionate love;
A door lock was part of the plan.

But turbulence had its own way;
An air pocket ruined their play.
As they both tumbled out,
The fellow would shout:
“We’re flying United, OK?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GIFT-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick, which is both funny and educational:

A Berliner whose marital bed
Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
His Frau was quite miffed.
So she gave him a Gift,
Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this 2-verse limerick:

My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
On his birthday, she said,
“If you come to my bed,
I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”

Since Solly’s a family man,
He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
With a smile sweet and wide,
She most sagely replied,
“Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CAN” RHYME LIMERICK THAT IS ALSO GIFT-THEMED)

Sharon Neeman:

My cat’s an incurable giver,
Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
She’ll bring into the house
A dead lizard or mouse
Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.

If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
She will give me a hairball (oy vey!)
It’s all part of her plan:
She just does what she can
To make sure I don’t give her away.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“I give you permission. You may.
So, do not demur, or delay.
Are you able? You can?
Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
Well, do carry on then. Good day!”

Mike Shulman:

A homely old dullard named Danny
Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
He sat on a fan,
Thus dissecting one can,
And declared his new profile uncanny.

Brian Allgar:

“Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
To destroy every act,
Every treaty or pact
That the Kenyan impostor began!”

Sharon Neeman:

He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
That he left in the can
Was sufficient to ban
Him forever from every hotel.

Armchair Poet:

When his search for VP first began,
Trump desired an affirmative man.
So when asked if he’d mind
Kissing lots of behind,
“Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”

Patrice Stewart:

When she dances the can-can, you can
See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
As her long legs kicked higher,
His groin was on fire –
Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man.

Tim James:

I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
Her butt’s smooth and tan
(It’s an old root beer can.)
Now my toaster is burning with lust.

Tony Holmes:

A part of me says that I wouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
If you like all your meals from a can.
I can make stuff from scratch,
But it varies by batch;
You might say it’s a flash in the pan.

Dave Johnson:

When thinking you can’t but you can,
Just try with this one simple plan:
Put the usual don’ts
In a box with your won’ts,
Then begin like before they began.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GIFT-GIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I bought some perfume for Marie,
Who then handed it over to Leigh.
Leigh gave it to Jo,
Who said, “Here’s a gift, Flo.”
Two weeks later, it came back to me.

Sharon Neeman:

Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
And the proof can be seen
Back in 2016,
When the Russians gave Trump the election.

Armchair Poet:

Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
As a gift to us all,
He could just take the fall,
And compose an inferior rhyme.

Fred Bortz:

In politics, wouldn’t you know,
That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
So when getting a gift,
You had better be swift
To respond with whatever you owe.

Dave Johnson:

In order to patch up their rift,
He opted to buy her a gift.
His choice was a wig
Three sizes too big;
Reaction was angry and swift.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (296)

Saturday, April 28th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I research old age and disease,
But it’s grim, so I joke and I tease.
My new study’s complex;
It involves lots of sex-
Agenarian interviewees.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special EGO-Themed Limerick Award for this clever ACROSTIC limerick:

There’s nobody smarter than me;
Renowned as no other can be.
Unlike all the rest,
My brain is the best;
Perfection, you’ll have to agree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Mar-a-Lago: surrounded by tees,
The hooker was down on her knees.
But she laughed when he stood
And presented his “wood” –
It was roughly the size of a bee’s.

Sharon Neeman:

Spring means ditching our sweaters for tees,
Showing ankles and calves — perhaps knees —
And, alone in the grass
With a lad or a lass,
Joining in with the birds and the bees.

Jean McEwen:

At the beauty salon, I said “Please:
I need highlights, a trim, and a tease.”
Now, my hair’s full of mats,
Like a nest full of rats.
On my head there’s a hive full of bees!

Tony Holmes:

When Black Widow Nellie’s in heat
Every male on her menu is sweet.
She will put them at ease,
With some tickle and tease,
Then it’s consummate nuptials – and eat.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Please enjoy our assorted fine teas.
Domestic? Perhaps Cantonese?
We’ve added some weed
To assure that, indeed,
You’ll come back and request a reprise.

Bob Dvorak:

My son, in his 2’s, pushing 3’s,
Begs me, “Daddy, please help me out, please!
“It’s the AY-BEE-CEE song
“That’s just awfully long!
“I can never get past AR-ESS-TEEs!”

Brenda Bryant:

I am prone to forgetting my keys,
Or they fall down the back of settees.
It is rather a bore
When I can’t lock the door,
But the burglars can get in with ease.

Fred Bortz:

He orders, “Get down on your knees,
And prove that you know how to please
With your full, ruby lips.
Then let’s finish with whips.”
Oh, that Marquis de Sade’s such a tease!

Dave Johnson:

The dancers – all handsome and thrilling,
Have clients so happy and willing.
With ladies to please
They are more than a tease;
Their job is both hard and fulfilling.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EGO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who calls his limerick “In-augur-ation Day”:

He dismisses the experts (statistical),
And relies on his sycophants (mystical),
Whose tally (“Oh, Mama!
You’ve doubled Obama.”)
Feeds into his needs (egoistical).

Sharon Neeman:

When he says “I’m the best! Did you ever
Know anyone my kind of clever?”
I won’t spew, gag, or fart;
With my hand on my heart,
I’ll say “No, Mr. President. Never.”

Jean McEwen:

I suspect that the famed Sigmund Freud
Would with me be profoundly annoyed.
My id has gone wild.
My virtue, defiled.
My ego? It’s underemployed.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In Paris, the Hilton’s elite,
But the girl with that name ain’t so sweet.
She thinks that she’s great,
Just really first-rate;
She even will kiss her own feet.

Tim James:

If it’s brains that you want, I’m the best;
And my wit far outshines all the rest.
But you’ll soon come to see
What’s the best about me:
I’m so humble. You’ll be quite impressed.

Byron Miller:

If you’re human, you need to be right;
Someone tells you you’re wrong, it’s a slight.
Despite tiptoes and tact,
Watch the ego react
Every time, and defensively fight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (295)

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”

Marty Gerendasy:

Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.

Sharon Neeman:

They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”

Jean McEwen:

I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!

Konrad Schwoerke:

My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.

Doug Harris:

He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …

Bruce Niedt:

A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”

John Bergstrom:

Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.

Byron Miller:

Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!

Fred Bortz:

It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)

Jean McEwen:

From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.

Dave Johnson:

It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.

Tim James:

Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (294)

Saturday, March 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RANDY WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A laptop who loved to cavort
With connective devices for sport
Gushed, “I’ll always enable
A USB cable
Adapted to turn on my port.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special CLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A mouse had been warned of the clock:
“It’s electric and likely to shock.”
This advice went unheeded,
So now what is needed
Is a hickory dickory doc.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Kathleen Bartoletti, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PORT” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

Claimed a windbag in Bankruptcy Court:
“I’m a stud in a ladies resort.”
But on spying his tool,
The judge ruled the fool
Had no visible means of support.

Kirk Miller:

At a nuclear plant, they abort
Operations while trying to thwart
Radiational leaks.
An inspector then speaks,
And he gives them a glowing report.

John Bergstrom:

De pirates were drinking de port.
They were down to their very last quart.
But de porter came by
And renewed their supply –
He re-ported ’em, ’fore they ran short.

Fred Bortz:

They frolicked at Trumpster’s resort
And elsewhere, the papers report.
A tryst in Chicago?
Perhaps Mar-a-Lago?
Then Stormy says, “See you in Court!”

Kirk Miller:

A yoga instructor named Mort
Gave students some extra support.
“Do you have time to meet
One-on-one?” asked young Pete.
“I’m flexible,” came the retort.

Tim James:

A sailor, a free-spending sort,
Hired a hooker for sexual sport.
He said, between sighs
As she straddled his thighs,
“Lean a bit more to starboard! Now port!”

Dave Johnson:

With climate change, time’s running short;
That ice melt will fail to abort.
Proceeding this way,
In Phoenix some day
They’ll have to establish a port.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Daylight Saving Time’s playing its tricks:
I’m in Israel; my cuz from the sticks
Of New Jersey just phoned;
“Five AM here!” I groaned.
“Oh no, really? I thought it was six!”

Jean McEwen:

Their functions are fairly routine:
Sound alarms, say when meetings convene.
The typical clock
Just goes tick and then tock,
But YOUR clock? Now, that one I’ll clean!

Kathleen Bartoletti:

She heard her bi’logical clock
Loud and clear, and with ev’ry tick tock,
She cried and thought maybe
Instead of a baby,
She’d be forced to adopt a Pet Rock.

Brian Allgar:

She sighed. She’d been sucking his cock
For a couple of hours by the clock,
But the guy was still limp.
“Fake news!” cried the wimp.
“I’m the Donald. I’m hard as a rock!”

Sharon Neeman:

My clocks used to tick on the wall,
And a grandfather chimed in the hall.
Now they hide, half unseen,
At the edge of my screen,
With no ticking or chiming at all.

Dave Johnson:

It looked like the win was a lock;
So coaches said “Run out the clock.”
But things happened fast,
Their lead wouldn’t last;
Which won them some papers that walk.

Tim James:

“Spring forward, fall back.” He had mocked
That old bromide, but now he was shocked.
He was one hour late
For his meeting at eight.
With the time change, he’d gone off half-clocked.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (290) (UPDATED)

Sunday, January 21st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:

A fellow was trying to steal
A kiss (and much more) from Lucille.
Though he coaxed and cajoled,
It just didn’t take hold.
In his spiel she found little appeal.

Well, he’s only sixteen. My own line
At that age wasn’t polished or fine.
I remember the urge
When those hormones would surge…
STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SWINE!

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TEEN-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:

Roy Moore has a craving for teens;
Oh, the charm of those tight little jeans
On the sweetly pubescent!
He’s always tumescent,
And getting his under-age greens.

“I’ve been libelled by sick magazines,”
He insists. “So I go for fourteens?
‘Let the little kids cum’,
Jesus said. I ain’t dumb –
That’s what true Christianity means.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Konrad Schwoerke, Fred Bortz, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STEAL/STEEL” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A welder who lived in Mobile,
Was known for his fingers of steel.
When lovers were bruised
From his fondles, he mused:
“I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.”

Sharon Neeman:

If I were a robot of steel,
I wouldn’t eat chicken or veal.
Plugged in for an hour,
I’d rest and re-power.
Electrons: the true vegan meal.

Steve Whitred:

A dossier authored by Steele
Could confirm that collusion was real
But the part on page three
Where those women go wee
Made the FSB laugh in a peal.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Take a hair, and at most, I might squeal,
But a kidney’s a much bigger deal.
Though a lung is too dear,
I will lend you an ear,
And my heart you are welcome to steal.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEEN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

“Dear parents,” advises the sage,
“You know that your teens will engage
In actions erotic.
Just don’t be despotic.
Remember you once were their age.”

David Reddekopp:

To be sixteen again! I’ll explain
Why a wish of that sort is in vain:
I would spend ev’ry week
Of my sexual peak
With my gland in my hand, once again.

Sharon Neeman:

In this foul wintry storm that I dread,
As I work with sick joints and sore head,
I recall: in my teens,
When I woke to such scenes,
I’d feign fever and go back to bed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (277)

Saturday, May 13th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A sly shopkeep, a baker by trade,
Had a helper, a doughy young maid.
On his bread-making bench,
He defloured the wench,
“I was kneading,” he said, “to get laid.”

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Intelligence-Themed Limerick Award for this clever, multi-versed limerick:

As Presidents go, I’m so smart.
My brain power sets me apart.
It’s true that my thinkin’s
More bigly than Lincoln’s.
I belong at the top of the chart.

Fake media call me bombastic.
They’re wrong, folks. You know I’m fantastic.
So let’s have some fun.
I’ll call up Kim Jung Un.
I’ll threaten to do something drastic.

I’m the best when it comes to deflection
Away from that Russian connection.
Though it’s not really bad
To be palling with Vlad,
I’ll give them that old misdirection.

My intelligence keeps me ahead.
Keep ’em guessing. Make sure they’re misled.
Every day, a new story.
That’s Trump’s shining glory.
Now who can I quote that is dead?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Sue Dulley, and Jesse Levy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MADE/MAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTELLIGENCE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

The Intelligence chiefs were dismayed;
The Commander was planning a raid.
“Where’s Korea?” he mumbled,
Then cursed as he fumbled –
“My little red button’s mislaid!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MADE/MAID” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

“It’s May Day! I’m off now,” cried Jade,
“To dance and disport in the glade.”
Said her mom, to her sorrow,
“No, May Day’s tomorrow;
It’s April” — and Jade was dis-Mayed.

Tim James

The bordello he chose was top-grade,
The amenities worth all he paid.
There was wi-fi for free,
Comfy bed, big TV,
And free cookies and cake, all ho-made.

Fred Bortz:

She was known for a role that she played,
A whip-cracking, dominant maid
Whose hard leather crop
Was not merely a prop
When the time came for her to be paid.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I expected a pro, not a maid.
“Lemme in if you wanna get laid.
This hotel is so snobby
Must sneak through the lobby—
That and you are just tricks of the trade.”

Sue Dulley:

A tragic mistake some have made
Is to enter a parking parkade
With no money or card
Which makes exiting hard –
You’re locked in by the guard ’til you’ve paid.

Brian Allgar, for his limerick entitled “An Immaculate Explanation”

Though pregnant, she tried to persuade
Her old husband she’d never been laid.
Many people believed
That a virgin conceived,
And thus a religion was made.

Sharon Neeman:

“Stay the night,” said the rake to the maid,
And, against her best judgment, she stayed.
“I won’t touch you,” he said —
But she woke in his bed,
Not only dis-maid, but betrayed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

There once was a fellow named Art
Whose IQ score was way off the chart.
After months watching Fox
Spew its stuff on the box
He’s a house plant — but not quite as smart.

Jesse Levy:

Does intelligence live in D.C.?
Well, no, not according to me.
The Prez is a putz,
And it’s driving me nuts
That he gets all his “facts” from TV!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (275)

Saturday, April 15th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a ERROL NIMBLY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

At noon, if you see us drift by,
In my hot air balloon on the fly,
I’ll be serving a luncheon.
It’s quiche we’ll be munchin’.
We’re eating a pie in the sky.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Clumsiness-Themed Limerick Award for this PAIR of funny limericks. Please note that this is a 2-in-1 limerick. One limerick is centered and in bold, and the other is in italics, half to the left and half to the right of his bold-faced limerick.

You idiot! WatchI’m a klutz. But I’m truly contrite, where you’re going!
I believe an apoSo I’ll hide on this Limerick site.logy’s owing,
You oaf. You’ve Since the writers are agile, reversed
Into where I verAnd nothing here’s fragilesed first…
Now this limeriI can’t damage anything — right?ck’s wrecked, and needs towing.

Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this “acrostic” limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Kicked a table and let out a yell;
Lost my balance and awkwardly fell.
Unaware it was there,
Thumped my head on a chair.
Zapped myself with a taser, as well!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CLUMSINESS LIMERICKS)

Suzanne Heymann:

If you think you are smooth when you bellow,
Just remember, you really are yellow.
You’re a scared, clumsy guy.
You think ‘tough’ gets you by.
You’re a bull-in-a-china-shop fellow!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME DIVISION)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

He said crossly, “My throat’s going dry,
Come on, Kathy, it’s your turn to buy;”
But while quaffing his Bud
He fell down in the mud,
So I toasted, “Here’s mud in your eye!”

Brian Allgar:

They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.

Marty Gerendasy:

There was a young lady named Vi
Who was proudly and openly bi.
So she wasn’t upset
When the man that she met
Confessed that he wasn’t a guy.

Jeanine Silverio:

She said with a sad heartfelt sigh:
“I just have to ask ‘Are you bi?’”
I took in those lips
And incredible hips
And I told her, “You’ve just turned me ‘try.’”

Jesse Frankovich:

When the love of my life said goodbye,
For a while I did little but cry.
Then I longed for a do
With a new style and hue—
I just wanted to curl up and dye.

Fred Bortz:

He’ll sleep with a gal or a guy,
And he’ll pay to escape when they try
His case in the court,
Saying “Judge, be a sport.
Let this guy who is bi buy a bye.”

Tim James, for his A Christian’s Lament:

I think that I’ll now say goodbye
To my boss, who’s a miserable guy.
All my colleagues at work
Said “Shove off!” to this jerk.
And the name of the dude? William Bligh.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLUMSINESS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

An airline showed clumsy PR.
And their customer service? Bizarre.
If you’re not in first class,
They just might kick your ass.
If you’re not into pain, go by car.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a charmer named Ed
Who could get any babe into bed.
Was he accident-prone
With these chicks he would bone?
’Cause I heard he kept knocking ’em dead.

David Reddekopp:

There once was a man from Dubai
Who gave Kama Sutra a try.
With creative coitions
And parlous positions,
He managed to poke out an eye.

Sharon Neeman:

My very first date was a klutz!
He would fidget and fumble and futz,
And while walking and joking
Where people were smoking,
He’d always bump into their butts.

Will T. Laughlin:

He was awkward, and trembled with fear
As he tried to unhook her brassiere.
Soon her straps got so mangled
And twisted and tangled
They’d baffle a trained engineer.

He wrestled and pulled, but his fits
Just further entangled his mitts.
So she fought him, and struck him…
But though she’s unstuck him,
I fear he’s rotated her tits.

Byron Ives:

Of her dressmaking skills she had doubt.
“I sew like an oaf!” she would pout.
Her hubby said, “Chill,
It’s a cheap piece of twill,
And nothing worth hemming about.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (269)

Sunday, January 22nd, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JESSE LEVY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A broom and his buddy, a mop
Decided that all crime should stop.
The broom did quite well;
Swept out felons pell mell.
But the mop was a flop as a cop.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special BLUES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My whole life, fate has thrown me the screws.
All that helps now is drugs, broads, and booze.
Don’t get up before noon;
Drift saloon to saloon.
I sure got me them old 12-bar blues.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Craig Dykstra, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Sue Dulley, Tim James, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COP” RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a frisky old fop.
For a whore he decided to shop.
So this horny old heel
First tried copping a feel,
’Til he found he was feeling a cop.

Suzanne Heymann:

She thought a low neck line was hotter
If, when speeding, police finally caught her.
Sure enough, soon a cop
Made her zooming car stop,
But what made this a flop – she’s his daughter!

Craig Dykstra:

Wrote a verse that I think coulda won it,
But immediately after I’d run it,
Mad the “Limerick Cop”
Said my rhyme was a flop
Just ’cause someone had already done it!

Konrad Schwoerke:

While selling my lucrative crop,
A policeman enjoined me to stop.
“Sure, I know it’s legit,
But you soon won’t have shit,
And I must be off duty to cop.”

Dave Johnson:

If I were a history cop,
I’d hold up my hand and yell “Stop!”
We’re about to embark
On a horrible lark,
With a carnival huckster on top.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

A limerick’s not like the Blues.
No, a limerick’s not… I can’t use
The same words for line two
As line one. If I do,
It’s a ruse Mad won’t choose to excuse.

Suzanne Heymann:

If music’s a hobby you choose,
Stay on key and please lay off the booze!
But if you keep on flinging
Bad notes, I’ll be bringing
You pain till you’re singing the blues.

Tim James:

If you suffer sometimes from the blues
Don’t try drugs, promiscuity, booze.
Take a tip from my wife:
For those low points in life,
Nothing helps like a new pair of shoes.

Brian Allgar:

The Republicans used to be blue
And the Democrats red. So what’s new?
With the Democrats dead
And Republicans red,
We are all feeling blue through and through.

Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:

On Election Day, many were blue.
But take comfort, for this is what’s true:
Although Donald’s an ass,
Mr. O’s act is class
And he’s shown what a good man can do.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The work is depressing at zoos,
So I often go home with the blues.
And it’s getting more bleak,
For example, last week,
We received really terrible gnus.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (266)

Saturday, December 10th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Linda Ann Nickerson, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“ICE” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect’s put it on ice.

Robert Schechter:

An Eskimo asked, “What advice
Would you give me to help me entice
A woman in Gnome
To come into my home?”
I said, “You must first break the ice.”

Brian Allgar:

If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just purchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.

Suzanne Heymann:

I once had a head full of lice,
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice.
Simply stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed.”
Now I’m buried and dead. (Great advice!)

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life, well here’s some advice:
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch into ICE.

Tim James:

A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.

Wendy Playter:

A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)

Robert Schechter:

When you die, if you pay a high price
They avow they will put you on ice
And thaw you someday
The moment that they
Are able, so you can live twice.

But don’t bother, my friend. I will bet you
There’s little this process will net you,
For even if they
Could cure you someday
It’s more likely by far they’d forget you.

Linda Ann Nickerson:

My neighbor’s demeanor’s like ice.
He gives answers unkind, imprecise.
He’ll stop, stand, and stare
With nary a care,
And he won’t take his own bad advice.

When pigs fly, he’ll pick up his trash,
And he may even burn up his stash.
The scents from his deck
Bounce like a bad check,
So daily our teeth we do gnash.

And still, as he passes, I wave,
But hope he’ll go back in his cave.
He won’t be ignored,
For he’s head of the Board,
So all of us have to behave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOPPING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –-
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”

Dave Johnson:

They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.

Suzanne Heymann:

Have you ever seen some woman shopping,
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags,
While she tries on new rags.
On and on he just lags without stopping!

How about, at the end of the day,
She should let him just have his own way;
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!