Posts Tagged ‘Kirk Miller’

Limerick-Off Award (487)

Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When his “urges” became more resurgent,
Certain pleas to his wife grew more urgent:
“Now that I’m growing old,
I will need to get bold…”
So she bought him a box of detergent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INJURY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The hitch-hiker’s feeling quite glum,
And he thinks that it may have been dumb –
Stuck his hand out too fast
As a lorry shot past.
Now he’s waving goodbye to his thumb.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Bob Turvey, Byron Miller, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Doug Harris, Wildman, Steve Benko, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Friedman, Daisy Hyrkas, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BOLD or BOWLED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INJURY-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

A critic, – audacious and bold,
Said my rhymes were all corny and old.
He is now on the floor
With my large Volume Four, –
There’s some blood, and his body’s quite cold.

Mark Totterdell:

To eat a blue cheese, truth be told,
Is an action both risky and bold.
It could lead to your doom,
As that stuff you consume
Is old cow-juice all shot through with mold.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOLD or BOWLED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

I put on my jacket and strolled
Past the lawn where the lawn-bowlers bowled.
I won’t join their sport
Because life is too short
And I’m not yet sufficiently old.

Kirk Miller:

The magazine’s concept was bold.
Origami designs would be sold.
But subscribers were few,
So the publisher knew
After only one issue, they’d fold.

Tim James:

A publisher’s wife had grown cold
And turned into a bit of a scold.
Did he push back? No way.
It’s a pity to say
That only his typeface is bold.

Roger Haugen:

Said the ram to his pal, “I’ve been told
There’s a flock of hot girls in that fold;
Why screw just one ewe?
I’m up for a few–
No time to be sheepish, but bold!”

Bob Turvey:

No – they can’t replace heroes of old,
Like Fleming. So clever. So bold.
It must have been thrillin’
To find penicillin –
After making him God broke the mould.

Terry Marter:

I dreamt that my lims had all sold,
For their wit and their style oh so bold.
Then awoke minus smile
As my eyes caught the pile, –
All withered and gathering mould.

Byron Miller:

I can’t count all the games that I’ve bowled
In these shoes now all moldy and holed.
But, a buyer I’ll catch
If I glue on a patch;
Time to get them resoled and resold.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lady Longhorn, one hundred years old,
Breathed her last as her lover took hold.
He, not noticing this,
Said, when planting a kiss,
“Why so cold, if I may be so bold?”

Tim James:

The gal was especially bold.
Of my hands she had taken firm hold
And pressed both to her breast.
I then made a request:
“May I take a brief rest?” (God I’m old.)

Lisi Nortman:

I have frightening feelings of dread.
And unsettling thoughts in my head.
What’s more, I am old.
But today I was bold.
And actually got out of bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INJURY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

I am secretly pleased that the limb
That I injured today at the gym
Needs a rest, cause truth told,
I’m decrepit and old
And this spandex look’s getting quite grim.

Doug Harris:

There’s many a tendon I’ve nursed
And how often I’ve landed head-first.
But likely dismissed
From the injury list –
A bruised ego is prob’ly the worst!

Terry Marter:

He was proud to be known far and wide
For the lions that lived by his side.
One day (on their whim)
He was torn limb from limb,
But none of it injured his pride.

Wildman:

In my Oculus world of illusion
I selected the game called ‘Confusion.’
Oh, I scored pretty well
Till I spun and then fell;
A new level achieved, called ‘Contusion.’

Steve Benko:

“Are you injured? Hire me, and we’ll sue!”
Said the billboard in red, white, and blue.
“The American way
Is to make someone pay;
You’ll get rich, and your lawyer will, too!”

Dave Johnson:

A porn film director named Rob
Was known for the insults he’d lob.
One time, way back when,
He kept yelling at Ken
For limping along on the job.

Roger Haugen:

The mugger cried out: “No more, please!”
As he cowered in pain on his knees;
He was soft in the head,
Or maybe brain-dead,
To think he could injure Louise.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Gore
Whose nuts got shot off in the war.
He said, “Have no fears,
I’m married 10 years
So don’t really need ’em no more.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I’ve chopped up my wrists with a knife,
But still I am clinging to life.
I’m clutching the note
That I angrily wrote,
Placing all of the blame on my wife.

Rudy Landesman:

Oh meter! Oh meter! Oh meter!
You’re sloppy. You stumble. You teeter
All over the place
And fall flat on your face.
You MUST mind your feet to be neater.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (486)

Saturday, January 8th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Stravinsky, “My schedule is tight;
My publishers called me last night
To commission a song
About righting a wrong,
But I’m too busy writing a Rite.”

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special SHOTS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Novak Djokovic, agile and tall,
Plays great shots with a racket and ball,
But there’s one kind of shot
That he still hasn’t got,
Because Novak’s had no vax at all.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Fred Bortz, Sharon Neeman, David Hodges, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIGHT or WRITE or RITE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHOTS-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Elmer Fudd sang in Shanghai one night —
Karaoked (his last civil right.)
Took one shot at a song
With “If wuvving you’s wong,
Then (it’s twue) I don’t want to be wight.”

Sue Dulley:

We’ve had our three shots; it’s all right
To meet now and then for a bite.
And if anyone asks,
Say we all wore our masks
While devouring our dinner tonight.

Tony Holmes:

If you’ve might on your side, you are right,
And you can, with impunity, smite.
You are calling the shots.
You can crush the have-nots,
But you dare not sleep tight every night

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIGHT or WRITE or RITE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

If you suffer from cramps in the night
A banana will soon put you right.
“I’ve tried it,” said Jane,
Many times – but in vain.”
Said her friend, “If you eat it, it might.”

Jean McEwen:

It had seemed to be love at first sight;
I had finally found Mr. Right!!
Then those fresh bloody stains
And those human remains
In his trunk gave me pause; I took flight.

Lisi Nortman:

My foot fell asleep on the flight,
Yet the rest of my body felt right.
Then at the hotel,
I slept very well,
But my foot stayed awake through the night.

Terry Marter:

Half asleep; half awake, half the night:
Half a Lim’rick that STILL don’t look right.
Time to rise for a brew, –
Slice of toast, perhaps two.
Add a bowl of “Just Right?” I just might!

Dave Johnson:

Jen’s husband was trying to write
A poem he hoped would ignite
Her passionate side.
But as hard as he tried,
His assonance failed to excite.

Tim James:

A randy young gal named Costello
Hooked up with a like-minded fellow.
He lied that he’d write
When he left her that night.
When it comes to commitment, he’s yellow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An obstructionist ended the night,
When he got the last word in a fight.
“I’m agreeing,” said he,
To say we disagree.
But that won’t make me any less right.”

Roger Haugen:

A new era was born at the site
Of mankind’s first motorized flight;
Ahead of all others,
These two small-town brothers
Showed the world what it meant to be (W)right.

Kirk Miller:

At the funeral, minister Dwight
Was real nervous and feeling uptight.
’Twas the first one where he
Had to speak, so you see
He worked hard so he’d write the right rite.

Steve Benko:

When on pot, you’re as high as a kite;
It isn’t the best time to write.
You think you’re inspired,
But Mad says, “You’re fired!
Your work on my page is a blight!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

After pounding nine shots of sloe gin
I took note of her come-hither grin.
So we went to her place.
But oh God, the disgrace!
I was wholly unable to sin.

Brian Allgar:

The photographer’s English was lean;
The police soon arrived on the scene.
His mistake was to state
To the guard on the gate
“I have come to take shots at your Queen.”

Fred Bortz:

It’s too bad that the guy had to die
From drinking too much of that rye.
Alas, what a shame,
But the rules of the game
Were a shot for each Trumpian lie.

Sharon Neeman:

There’s a faction that’s riddled with twits
Who have far more polemic than wits:
“Don’t get jabbed!” they all cry
As folks sicken and die —
So they’re both anti-shots and pro shits.

David Hodges:

In German, “mein Schatz” means “my treasure” –
A sweetheart beyond any measure.
An American miss
May take umbrage at this;
Being called “Shots” will bring her no pleasure!

Lisi Nortman:

The last time I went to my shrink,
He said, “Gertrude, you need to rethink!
“You MUST get that shot!”
But then I did not,
When I found out it wasn’t a drink.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (484)

Saturday, December 11th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A rude nude in a mood, lewd and crude,
Stalked a dude who she thought should be wooed.
But the dude, who’s a prude,
Did not want to be screwed,
Or (for that matter) stalked, so he sued.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CRIME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Though we’re poor, let’s get married,” said Nate.
“We’ll pinch pennies and save. Let’s not wait!”
Then he boosted her car,
Though he didn’t get far.
Now he’s doing a nickel upstate.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Michael Moulton, David Friedman, Rudy Landesman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Your advances, good Sir, are too crude.
Now, pray do not think me a prude,
But you’ll be out of luck
If you say “Babe, let’s fuck!” –
I prefer to be tastefully wooed.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once a turkey snood’s viewed, prob’ly you’d
Then allude to the fact it looks crude.
But the hot-to-trot hen
On the prowl for fowl men,
Would say, “Tom’s the right dude for my brood.”

Mark Totterdell:

I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh fuck!

Roger Haugen:

Said the hooker, “You think that it’s lewd,
To spend so much time getting screwed?
For me, to be chaste
Would be a big waste–
Just look at the cash I’ve accrued.”

Kirk Miller:

A biologist tried to feed streusel
To a panda; was met with refusal.
The bear spurned the food
’Cause the offer was crude.
He found pandas are hard to bamboozle.

Bob Turvey:

A hungry young child in a cot
Used to pick at its nose quite a lot.
Said its mother, “How crude.
D’you think that stuff’s food?”
“I know,” said the child, “That it’s not.”

Dave Johnson:

Her method’s unfailingly shrewd;
She will say something naughty and crude.
That’s how it begins,
As seductiveness wins.
When lewd sets the mood, then you’re screwed.

Tim James:

In the oil patch she’s done ev’ry dude,
And with many base traits she’s imbued.
Other gals there are kind,
Thoughtful, smart, and refined,
But not her. She’s called “West Texas Crude.”

Brian Allgar:

“That skylark is raucous and crude,”
Complained Shelley. “It’s ruined my mood,
So I’ll trap and de-plume it,
And then I’ll consume it –
But should it be roasted, or stewed?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Over years, through my tears, I’ve accrued
Female vocals in great plenitude.
So at Christmas (it’s silly)
I always play Billie
To get into the Holiday mood.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CRIME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

I said “Let’s rob a bank” to my gang.
They replied “Are you MAD!? We could hang.”
They were quite right of course,
All we had was a horse
And toy gun with a flag that said BANG!

Lisi Nortman:

The burglars barged in; they were tough.
Their voices were scary and gruff.
They used filthy expressions.
And stole my possessions…
Then replaced them with up-to-date stuff.

Dave Johnson:

A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Demolished the party of Ronald.
It happened each time
He committed a crime;
Then had his impeachment McConnelled.

Mike Moulton:

A kid with an AR-15
And a loaded hi-cap magazine,
Said, “Who doesn’t bring
A gun to a thing,
Where a protestor might well be mean?”

Lisi Nortman:

We drove through the border with speed.
Then the guard yelled, “You must not proceed!
“Any firearms, knives,
That could harm people’s lives?”
We answered, “How much do you need?”

David Friedman:

Venus could see the Feds nearing
The moment she dropped her damn earring.
In her racquet it nested,
So she was arrested;
The crime was, of course, racketeering.

Rudy Landesman:

When Paris abducted fair Helen,
The Greeks, to a man, all were yellin’:
“That’s a crime in our book!”
But they all failed to look;
’Twas love that those foolish kids fell in.

Mark Totterdell:

It’s no wonder I acted quite stroppily
When accused of a life led improperly.
Yes, there’s truth in the tale
That I spent time in jail,
But it was in a game of Monopoly.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

As a cop, my old man is no honey;
He’s so righteous, it’s not even funny.
I’ll throw pants in the wash
Without checking for dosh,
And he’ll bust me for laundering money.

Dave Johnson:

He wanted to set up a tryst
With one who had barely been kissed.
The meeting was set;
And that’s how he met
A vice cop he couldn’t resist.

Rudy Landesman:

It’s a mystery! Still makes me brood.
Tell me who murdered young Edwin Drood.
’Cause as the plot thickens,
The author, Charles Dickens,
Just went off and died. That was rude.

Jean McEwen:

When you purchase a gun for your son
And he then offs his schoolmates for fun,
Please do not act surprised
When you’re roundly despised
And find out you’ve got nowhere to run.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At a Mystery Night meet-and-greet,
Where we “crime-solvers” eat and compete,
For being the winner,
I got a free dinner.
The real mystery, though, was the meat.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (480)

Saturday, October 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

White priv’lege has gone to my head:
I eat mayo on white bread in bed.
I’m renowned for my wealth
And enjoy vibrant health;
What’s my secret, you ask? I’m white-bred.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special SELF-CONTROL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The sensation is driving me mad!
What a feeling, – so good yet so bad.
It’s coming on strong,
Can’t hold it for long.
Oh Yes – YES! It’s the best sneeze I’ve had.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Gennadiy Gurariy, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Terry Marter, Bob Turvey, Roger Haugen, Jesse Levy, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BREAD/BRED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SELF-CONTROL LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Since they tell me I’m quite overfed,
I’m determined to diet,” he said.
“Though I’ll still eat by tons
Greasy burgers and buns,
I shall make myself give up stale bread.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The carbs that are lurking in bread
Admittedly fill me with dread.
I once tried to veto
The strictures of keto,
But ended up breaking the bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BREAD or BRED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

That gal is well read and well bred.
She’d never (she said) be caught dead
With a book that was porn.
She dismissed those with scorn.
She’d watch X-rated movies instead.

Kirk Miller:

Our baker’s a man of renown
Who’s awarded the bread-making crown.
All the judges have said
That his prize-winning bread
Is superb. It’s the toast of the town.

Tim James:

Said the scion, so suave and well-bred,
To his lady: “It’s time that we wed.
I’ll be needing a mare
To provide me an heir.”
So she did what she had to. She fled.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the bakery, Crumb Bros & Sons,
Female bakers were treated like nuns.
“All the brothers,” gals said,
“When they’re testing our bread,
Make a habit of squeezing our buns.”

Lisi Nortman:

I used to call Johnny a “sleaze”
Cuz he constantly begged for “Trapeze.”
Since I’m very well-bred,
One night in our bed,
I agreed cuz he fin’ly said, “please.”

Ken Gosse:

My parents both look like each other.
Their parents were sister and brother.
My kids were inbred
In my own sibling’s bed,
Like we learned from our father and mother.

Brian Allgar:

“Beware of that woman!” they said
To the baker who hoped to be wed.
“She just happens to know
That you’re rolling in dough –
She’s a gold-digger, after your bread.”

Terry Marter

The seagulls all perched on the shed,
Set for dive-bombing many a head.
Then Jonathan said
“See that woman in red?
Don’t crap on her; she’s got the bread.”

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Flo,
Whose boyfriend said, “Women can’t throw.”
So she threw at his head,
A loaf of stale bread;
But she missed and she fractured her toe.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

This appeal from my doctor sufficed
To reveal his advice over-priced:
“Cut down on your bread.”
That’s all that he said.
And I had to explain, “It comes sliced.”

Tim James:

She employed him to help her make bread,
But his nature she badly misread.
She found out that the oaf
Would consistently loaf.
“I’ve no knead for this goof-off,” she said.

Roger Haugen:

“My family’s extremely well-bred,”
He smirked with a toss of his head;
When a DNA test
Put that fiction to rest,
He keeled over in shock and fell dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SELF-CONTROL-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Gennadiy Gurariy:

If life is indeed like a box
Full of chocolate, it ought to have locks,
Or I know what I’ll get:
Upset stomach, regret,
Chocolate stains and intestinal blocks.

Tony Holmes:

Those who advocate strict self-control
Are a miserable lot, on the whole.
Not for them the delights
Of those drink sodden nights,
Or the head hanging over the bowl.

Lisi Nortman:

I wanted to be so much thinner,
My plan? It sure wasn’t a winner:
For breakfast and lunch,
A salad to munch.
Then loss of control for my dinner.

Jesse Levy

I really can’t stop my loud crying
Because of my profligate buying.
It sure isn’t funny
’Cause I’m out of money…
But at least I own all I’ve been eyeing.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Said my sneaky, (yet lovable) spouse:
“I’ve ordered just one pretty blouse.”
“Oh really?” said I.
“Then please tell me why
Eve’ry day there’s a box in the house.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If shooting yourself is your goal,
Then before you get ready to roll,
As you suck your cheeks in,
Also cover your chin.
It’s called practicing selfie control.

Dave Johnson:

He thought that they should, though she wouldn’t;
Her feeling was “could, but we shouldn’t.”
Their evening spent,
She began to relent;
And told him they would…then he couldn’t.

Steve Benko:

Said the priest, “You must use self-control;
In the Church, that’s how altar boys roll.
Keep a stiff upper lip
While my pants I unzip;
Three Hail Mary’s will then save your soul.”

Rudy Landesman:

When I was a boy wearing nickers,
My favorite candy was “Snickers.”
I still get the jones
Right down to my bones.
I control them imbibing sweet liquors.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Joan was raised to be pure, without taint,
And was praised for demure self-restraint.
So she took it quite hard
When she found out Bernard,
Their old dog, was the family Saint.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (475)

Saturday, August 7th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I went to a door store to see
What choices were open to me.
A sign on their stock
Read, “Pick Your Own Lock.”
But I want one that comes with a key.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Writing Style-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mark Twain’s language: an erudite treat.
Ernest Hemingway’s prose: short and sweet.
Written discourse and wit
Then went wholly to shit
As the “President” babbled by tweet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Byron Miller, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “KEY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITING STYLE LIMERICKS)

Rudy Landesman:

e.e. cummings wrote verse that was “free”
and no capital letters used he
and the reason for that
keep it under your hat
a malfunctioning typewriter key

Brian Allgar:

Split infinitives irritate me,
Like a singer who’s singing off-key
And can’t hit the right note,
Or as if Shakespeare wrote
“To be, or instead, to NOT be.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“KEY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

To enter my swanky new flat,
I just punch in a code, – and that’s that!
The fourth fail with my “key”
Triggered voicemail to me:
“Your new key-code is under the mat.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I thought I would go into shock.
(Took a breather and walked ’round the block.)
I at last found the key
To success, but poor me,
Seems somebody changed the damn lock.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I have just run aground, pity me.
I’m okay — just a cay in the sea.
But what other snags lurk
In semantical murk?
Is a lake but a loch with no key?

Dave Johnson:

Their singer was slightly off-key;
The crowd made his band hard to see.
Most covers they played
Were so moldy and frayed;
“Free concert” – no bargain for me.

Kirk Miller:

To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap ’round the neck is the key;
Has the owner’s last name,
The phone number of same.
This technique is named “collar ID.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

After Ponce de Leon sailed the main
From the Florida coast back to Spain,
He cried, “Izzy, it’s me!
I’ve discovered a key!”
She said, “Keep it. I just want the chain.”

Tim James:

It starts low, with “Oh say, can you see…”
Then goes high, to a crazy degree.
By “the rockets’ red glare”
You’ll be gasping for air.
You can’t possibly sing it on-Key.

Byron Miller:

Though beguiled, when Fay’d flipped me the key
To her new Maserati GT,
I soon felt like a jerk
When the key wouldn’t work:
For, Fay’d fobbed off a faux fob on me.

Brian Allgar:

This device seemed just perfect for me,
Since I’m always mislaying my key.
I press the thing here,
And my keys, far or near,
Will respond with ‘beep, beep …’ endlessly.

It worked well until, several days later,
In need of my beep-generator,
I looked all around,
But it couldn’t be found –
Like a fool, I’d mislaid the locator!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITING STYLE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I write. Like I speak. Not much drama.
I Never. Have use. For a Comma.
My phrasing. Concise.
With real. Sound advice.
Respect. Fully. Yours. B. Obama.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

In a manner excessively florid,
I pen horror tales grisly and torrid.
All my critics agree
I have mastered the key
To a writing style perfectly horrid.

Brian Allgar:

English spelling is hell. Readers wish
The word “ghoti” were not pronounced “fish”.
And they wonder if “quay”
Should be spoken as “kay”?
No, it’s “key”! As for Lillian Goti …

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I’m writing a narrative book,
Stream-of-consciousness works as my “hook.”
But for pamphlets or tracts,
Or a thesis with facts,
I prefer to use Gobbledygook.

Dave Johnson:

Her method for teaching us cursive
Would often be somewhat immersive.
She hasn’t a hint,
But today I just print;
A practice she’d view as subversive.

Lisi Nortman:

“In conclusion, I just have to say,
In closing, don’t use a cliche.
Haste always makes waste
So write in good taste.
Writing’s hard at the end of the day.”

Rudy Landesman:

For really a very long while
I struggled with one author’s style:
“Ulysses” by Joyce;
That book is my choice
To start a new “Do Not Read” pile.

Steve Benko:

In poetry form or in prose,
There is no other writing like Poe’s.
For a frightening word
From a sinister bird,
He finds ravens more scary than crows.

Jean McEwen:

When you’re writing a brief, don’t just say
The court “should” or “should not”; that won’t sway
Any judge. No, instead
Explain WHY what they’ve read
Should incline them to see things your way.

Tim James:

“Your style with parentheses stinks,”
Said my prof (I don’t care what she thinks
(Though she’s smart (she’s from Yale
(Maybe Harvard; I fail
To recall (I’ve had too many drinks))))).

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (472)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.

But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:

She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.

As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.

His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”

Terry Marter:

They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.

Lisi Nortman:

The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”

Kirk Miller:

When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.

Sondra Landin:

My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).

Tony Holmes:

There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.

Diane Groothuis:

A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”

Jean McEwen:

When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”

Steve Benko:

In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.

Dave Johnson:

His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.

Roger Haugen:

What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.

Tim James:

I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.

Terry Marter:

When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!

Mark Totterdell:

His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.

Bob Turvey:

1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.

Lisi Nortman:

A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (469)

Sunday, May 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A young bride had her wedding gown planned:
She’d create it herself — make it grand!
To her groom she said, “You’ll
Help me stiffen the tulle.”
He said, “Sure, I can do it by hand.”

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special ZOO-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In the zoo, an old elephant, Ernie,
Long deprived of his freedom to journey
By the bars on his cage,
Was so maddened by rage,
He demanded to see his attorney.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Benko, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOOL/TULLE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

She’s a baker; her son is a fool.
(Bluntly stated, he’s not a sharp tool.)
She caught him one day
In her kitchen, at play:
“Hey, a Frisbee that ain’t! It’s a boule!”

Rudy Landesman:

Poor Oliver Twist ate his gruel.
That watery slop was the tool
To keep kids in line.
Did Oliver whine?
What the Dickens, that kid was no fool.

Terry Marter:

When the trash man drank all his wife’s gin
His chance of survival was thin.
She diced up the fool
With a very sharp tool
But he still wouldn’t fit in the bin.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tool that I use when I polish
My lim’ricks is handy and smallish.
Using lead as its fuel,
It’s a rubber-tipped tool,
With two settings: “Rub Out” and “Demolish.”

Sondra Landin:

The little girl perched on a stool,
So prettily dressed in blue tulle,
And now how would she do?
Would they clap, would they boo?
She played and soon wowed the whole school!

Tim James:

Said a gal to her guy: “Though you’re cool,
I like circumcised men, as a rule.”
He’s not keen on it, but
He’s agreed to get cut.
Thus their love life he’s gonna re-tool.

Roger Haugen:

The porn king sat down on the stool
And whipped out his thirteen-inch tool;
The girls were in shock–
The sight of his cock
Was enough to make all of them drool.

Lisi Nortman:

I write limericks ev-er-y day.
With words, I consistently play.
But I do use a tool.
To make them sound cool:
I hammer and hammer away.

Steve Benko:

“For digging up graves,” said the ghoul,
“This shovel is too minuscule.
For cadaver retrieval,
It’s truly medieval;
A backhoe is my kind of tool.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ZOO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The mysterious unicorn’s fate.
Has for years been a cause for debate.
Never seen in a zoo,
The researchers best clue
Is that Noah declared they taste great.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the petting zoo, there in the crowd,
Stood a boy looking gloomy and cowed.
“Go on, touch them,” I said,
To which he shook his head,
“There’s a sign that says, ‘no pets allowed.’”

Lisi Nortman:

Although the zoo culture forbids
Divorce, they were still on the skids.
Through all kinds of weather,
The Goats stayed together,
But only because of the kids.

Mark Totterdell:

When the animals down in the zoo
Want to do what all animals do,
They have nowhere to meet
Private, safe and discreet,
So they do it right there in full view.

Brian Allgar:

A gorilla with bright orange skin
And a vast hippopotamus chin,
A rhinoceros rump …
It’s the one-man zoo, Trump!
(Did I mention his crocodile grin?)

Kirk Miller:

All the doves that are housed at the zoo
Are upset and decide to pursue
A revolt; overthrow
The zookeepers, so
The doves will be staging a coo.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (468)

Saturday, May 1st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Although gone, she was strangely alert.
Still a nudge, even under the dirt.
Right there at her plot,
A voice said, “Do not
Come visit me wearing that shirt.”

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special DRONES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Robbers looting two royalty zones
(Later caught by police using drones)
Tried to hide their hot gear
In a hothouse. It’s clear! –
Thieves in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Clay Wild, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Mark Totterdell, and Neil Greenberg. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLOT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DRONE LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

The part of the beach that was sought,
Would hide them from view, so they thought.
But during their tryst,
Came a drone through the mist;
Its lenses unraveled their plot.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLOT” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a hack on creating a plot:
“I put into my work all I’ve got.
When it starts to mature,
Then I add more manure.
And that’s how I come up with this rot.”

Jean McEwen:

The clots some folks got from the shot
Have hit only a few – not a lot.
Yet some dopes – their views aided
By Fox – are persuaded
The shot is some Faucian plot.

Tony Holmes:

At the junction, the cause for delay
Rushed right past us, and anger held sway.
“It’s a mob.” “That’s a lot!”
“And they’ve all lost the plot –
At the moment, they’ve riot of way.”

Rudy Landesman:

Apples fall off a tree quite a lot,
And gravity’s in on the plot.
So, there’s little disputin’:
It WAS Isaac Newton
Concocting that sauce sold by Mott.

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Hokey H. Pokey would shout:
“Hey, gravediggers, what’s this about?
I’m here in a plot,
It can’t be the right spot.
Cuz my left foot is still stickin’ out.

Tony Holmes:

“Boy meets girl has been done. We need plot!”
“What if boy loves girl’s mum, cos she’s hot?
Then the father, ignored,
Kills them all cos he’s bored—”
“Okay, now I’m on board—” “Then gets shot?”

“It’s too tame. You were doing so well.
Sex and murder, all great. That will sell.
But the ending – it’s lame.
Try again – up your game.”
“He’s redeemed by a vision of hell.”

Terry Marter:

Storm at sea wrecked our charts, – took the lot;
Blown away, fair to say “lost the plot.”
Now we’re in a fine mess;
We must send SOS:
Dot dot DOT, dash dash DASH, dot dot DOT.

Clay Wild:

Fragile campers in woods, deep and dense
Wolves and grizzlies and greed, self-defense
Murder myst’ry the plot
Twists and turns, like a knot
Safe to say, story line was ‘in tents’!

Tim James, who offers his “apologies to Mr. Shakespeare:”

Hamlet’s reading a book that he got —
Which he says he’s enjoying a lot —
About Yorick, alas!
As a read, it’s first-class
And he really is digging the plot.

Ms. Macbeth was the wife of a Scot
Who contrived a nefarious plot
To kill Duncan, the king.
Her dog saw the whole thing.
“You’re a BAD dog!” she said. “Out, damned Spot!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRONE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Tim James:

Could your local delivery guy
Be replaced by a thing that can fly?
Might you order by phone
Pizza drop-off by drone?
I think not. That’s just pie in the sky.

Rudy Landesman:

A mother right down to the bone,
She’d lecture, she’d scold, and she’d drone.
She called ev’ry day
And then passed away.
Her grave, she regrets, has no phone.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve relinquished the Edsel I own,
In exchange for a nice, compact drone.
Warn the Regs, “FLY UNMANNED!”
Which is what I have planned.
They say nothing about an old crone.

Jean McEwen:

The dullards I work with – such bores!
All their monotone rants about chores
Like their timesheets, their filing
And in-boxes piling
Induce in me nothing but snores!

Mark Totterdell:

The queen, that most key of all key bees,
Commands a whole army of she-bees
Who do all the work,
While the drones, who just shirk
And have sex are, you’ve guessed it, the he-bees.

Neil Greenberg:

There’s hardly a sound that is known
To bedevil us down to the bone
Like the buzz overhead
That fills me with dread:
Die and dissipate, damnable drone!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (467)

Saturday, April 17th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.

Sondra Landin:

The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”

Kirk Miller:

The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.

Tim James:

Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.

Brian Allgar:

The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.

Terry Marter:

In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.

Doug Harris:

As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.

Rudy Landesman:

The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?

Tim James:

A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

Mark Totterdell:

A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.

Jean McEwen:

It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.

Terry Marter:

Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.

Rudy Landesman:

A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.

Tim James:

“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”

Kirk Miller:

The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (460)

Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I just giggle at gaggles of geese,
And find slithers of snakes mere caprice;
But if you produce moose
Too profuse — running loose —
I will shriek, “Help! Police! We’ve got meese!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ART-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A photographer said, “While it’s true
I take pictures of folks as they screw,
It’s a form of pure art.
It shows love, warmth, and heart.”
Yeah, my lim’ricks are “poetry,” too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Paul Haebig, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ART LIMERICKS)

Tony Holmes:

When the world closes in, I vamoose
And take refuge. Surrounded by spruce,
I reflect on my art
Till it’s time to depart,
As I’m only a part-time recluse.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

After tests, Donald’s doctors deduce
There’s a brain, but it isn’t much use.
From the scan, they surmise
It’s the color and size
Of a teaspoon of chocolate mousse.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

For those lovers of custard out there,
Here’s a dieting tip I must share:
If you fear too much mousse
May enlarge your caboose,
Eat just half. Put the rest in your hair.

Tim James:

Her hair was long, lovely, and loose;
Then she teased it and slicked it with mousse.
The new ’do, sad to say,
Drove her boyfriend away.
Perhaps ’twas the color: chartreuse.

Sue Dulley:

I have stopped using hairspray and mousse.
They never were very much use.
My hair is unruly,
But really and truly
Who cares, since I’m now a recluse.

Paul Haebig:

This kitchen! There’s nothing of use!
I wanted to make choc’late mousse.
And I really was keen
To cook some tagine,
But there’s only enough to make cous.

Byron Miller:

“Need a bull who fits tightly, not loose,”
Sighs a cow in the mood for a goose.
Thinking kosher – no hoods,
She traverses the woods
On her search for a certain-sized moose.

Fred Bortz:

He called her “My precious papoose.”
She laughed and replied, “Silly goose.”
But romance went awry.
When they snuggled, the guy
Got so hot that he smelled like a moose.

Roger Haugen:

He tried and he tried, but no use —
“I can’t finish this great Christmas goose.”
But a little dessert
He thought wouldn’t hurt,
As he plowed through his third choc’late mousse.

Brian Allgar:

They’d gone hunting, but due to disuse,
Eric’s grip on the trigger was loose,
And he shot brother Don,
Who’s now mounted upon
A gold plaque that was meant for a moose.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ART LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Andy Warhol, the Campbell Soup man,
Produced pop-art peeved pundits would pan:
“It won’t pass!” “It’s absurd!”
“He’s so crass!” They concurred.
Still, he wouldn’t stop painting his can.

Fred Bortz:

A critic who hates bold abstraction
Expresses his dissatisfaction:
“You’d have to be bollocks
To say Jackson Pollocks
Display a deliberate action.”

Kirk Miller:

When the art teacher did a critique
Of my work, my art future looked bleak.
And I listened with dread
When the art teacher said
To brush up on my painting technique.

Dave Johnson:

Bill’s stint – posing naked for art
Got off to a glorious start
When he debuted his ass
At the newly-filled class
By launching a tear-gassing fart.

Terry Marter, for his “Performance Art”

A performer we went out to see,
Hurled a boom’rang past row 43.
He said “Will it come back?”
A big guy at the back
Yelled “It Will if it Fuckin’ hits ME!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (454)

Saturday, October 10th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ped’lling London, my good wife and I,
See the Queen’s Guard musicians march by.
They play “Strike Up The Band”
As we bike up The Strand
And we inwardly hear Spooner sigh.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GAME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow who liked to play chess
Put his hand up a pretty girl’s dress.
His ambitions were wrecked
When he found himself checked.
As for mate, he’d no chance of success.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Paul Haebig, Cyn, Konrad Schwoerke, Sharon Neeman, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BAND or BANNED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GAME-themed LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

Thought the card sharp, “A game of strip poker
Will quickly and surely uncloak her.”
But though cheating was banned,
She’d snuck into her hand
Enough aces to beat any joker.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BAND or BANNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An assembly of sharks is called “Shiver”;
And a cluster of cobras a “Quiver”;
Flocked flamingos a “Stand”;
Grouped gorillas a “Band.”
Chickens crossing the highway? “Chopped Liver.”

Tim James:

He’s infected (now, THAT was unplanned)
By the “hoax” that’s been sweeping the land.
Of my thoughts in this case
I’ll reveal not a trace
Lest by Madeleine Kane I get banned.

Brian Allgar:

We were dancing a slow sarabande
When she said: “Would you like one night-stand?”
What I got, though, from Mabel
Was one bedside table,
Which wasn’t quite what I had planned.

Paul Haebig:

The green room provisions this band
Requires are way out of hand:
– No green M&M’s
– Ninety roses (long stems)
– And an altar to worship Ayn Rand.

Cyn:

Unzipping his jeans, Sammy led
Saucy Sally to bed, where he said,
“Although Mom says it’s banned
If I use my own hand,
I figured we’d use yours instead.”

Tim James:

A moron blew seventy grand
On his hair. Doesn’t that beat the band!
As for taxes, evasion
Suits ev’ry occasion.
To primp and to skimp is his brand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said my doc, “Eggs and bacon are banned,
And eat nothing prepackaged or canned.
Avoid beer, wine, and malt,
Cut out sugar and salt.
Longer life? See how much you can stand.”

Brian Allgar:

“No mask, like the folk that elected me;
My strong constitution protected me.
But I’m sick, like they planned,
And my rallies are banned –
It musta been Biden infected me!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I have tried playing tournament Scrabble,
But I suck, so I now merely dabble
In building with piles
Of small lettered tiles—
Voilà!—it’s the Tower of Babel.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Great Game of Golf I shan’t mock,
And its cute dimpled ball I can’t knock,
All that junk in the bag
Is too heavy to drag,
And does nothing but spoil a good walk.

Sharon Neeman:

Wow! A double half twist! Look at that!
If I tried it myself, I’d go splat —
But she climbs ever higher,
Then slides down a wire…
The world is her game. She’s my cat.

Brian Allgar:

I was playing strip-poker one night
With a girl who had bet to the height
On four kings. Well, I knew
My four aces would do.
“I’ll see you”, I said. What a sight!

Kirk Miller:

When I asked a French woman if she
Enjoyed video games, I could see
Her beginning to smile.
She replied to me, “I’ll
Have to say that the answer is Wii.”

Dave Johnson:

Here’s a game that you might like to play:
Imagine you’re far, far away
One decade ago;
There’s an orderly flow.
And Trump hasn’t ruined your day.

Tim James:

He considered it all fun and games
As he cheated with multiple dames.
But the ladies found out
And they turned on the lout.
Now “Mud” is just one of his names.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (451)

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I had chiggers. They started to bite
As they burrowed down deep, out of sight.
From my ankles to belt
I was one giant welt.
Was it itchy? Perhaps just a mite.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special CHILDREN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We are now on the way to Madrid;
Packed the sippy cups, each with a lid.
And the Bouncy Chair, swing,
“Sleep-Time Cuddlies” that sing…
But we seem to have misplaced the kid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, and Wayne Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGHT or SITE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

The director called, “Wrap!” for the night.
Then discovered the scene wasn’t right.
We all groaned. We were dead.
He took pity and said,
“Get some sleep, then we’ll shoot it on site.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Chocolate cake is a heavenly sight,
And with me, always love at first bite.
But the calorie hounds
Say I’ve gone out of bounds,
As I’ve gained seven pounds overnight.

Brian Allgar:

They adored him, it couldn’t be clearer;
All those fans, not one mocker or sneerer!
Donald grinned with delight;
The line stretched out of sight
In his perfect infinity mirror.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

His advice was the fatherly kind:
“Son, don’t marry the first girl you find.
For when love at first sight
Starts to fade overnight,
In the end it goes legally blind.”

Tim James:

Said a fellow whose future looked bright
When he bought a car showroom one night:
“Selling Edsels, I know,
Will bring decades of dough!”
Now a Burger King stands on the site.

Kirk Miller:

The baboon met one night on a date
The gorilla his dreams. It was great!
He went ape at her sight
’Cause he knew that she might
Be the one he would call his prime mate.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

He sobbed with a pain so exquisite,
That the Martian Mom said, “Son, what is it?”
“On the Beamer last night
From Earth’s Lunatic Site —
The Trumps said they’re coming to visit!”

Dave Johnson:

He went to a strip club that night;
Some fantasies yearning for flight.
Then down by the front,
Putting cash in the hunt;
With hind his preferred kind of sight.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“All you fireworks people will pay!”
Bellowed Trump at the end of the day.
“My great name — what a sight! —
In the heavens at night.
So, which dumbass forgot ‘Donald J’?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHILDREN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“Little children?” said W. C.
“Quite delightful, if you’re asking me.
But they must be well-cooked –
This can’t be overlooked;
And, on average, my limit is three.”

Jean McEwen:

You may think me a bitter old crone,
But my views about kids are well known:
From the poop to the croup
And through every age group,
I can’t stand them till after they’re grown.

Wayne Feder:

Remember, while home on this break,
That children are easy to make.
So it’s wise to go slow;
Or to even forgo.
Quite often they’re made by mistake.

Dave Johnson:

We’re stuck with a child who’s a brat;
He’s constantly stoking a spat.
One day we’ll be rid
Of this horrible kid;
And thanking Joe Biden for that.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (448)

Saturday, July 18th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.

Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)

Richard Campbell:

The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)

Roger Haugen:

“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.

Brian Allgar:

“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.

Tony Holmes:

“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?

Lisi Nortman:

I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.

Kirk Miller:

He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.

Suzanne Heymann:

There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”

Wayne Feder:

Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.

Tim James:

A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”

Jean McEwen:

Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.

Kirk Miller:

An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.

Dave Johnson:

“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…

Tim James:

As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (444)

Saturday, May 9th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
Showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
Under masks when outside,
If I say ‘Stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special CHALLENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred;
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
’Cause the player’s as good as his word.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump;
An aerial tryst then and there.

Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event,
Unfolding above the terrain.

The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Will T. Laughlin, Patrice Stewart, Steven Frakt, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Daisy Hyrkas. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHALLENGES LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME DIVISION)

Steve Whitred:

In Canada people are smart;
Public health measures taken to heart,
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart.”

Brian Allgar:

Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My owner and I used to nuzzle,
But not any more, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed,
Then I broke down and cried…
And also he’s stolen my muzzle.

Will T. Laughlin:

“War President!” Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.

Patrice Stewart:

’Twas a challenge to turn on her side,
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.

Steve Frakt:

The sad chicken just sat there and cried;
Couldn’t cross to the road’s other side.
Though this tale may evoke
The world’s oldest joke,
That highway was just too damn wide.

Tim James:

If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide.)
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
Gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait – that’s too kind,
So if you don’t mind,
Let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.

Steve Whitred:

On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave.
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side…
But that maskless taboo is her fave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHALLENGES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.

Sharon Neeman:

Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff.
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say,
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
Involve wearing masks,
We can flaunt all we want incognito!

Will T. Laughlin:

From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The challenge is how to stay fit;
My muscle tone’s taken a hit.
I lay in my bed
And remain in my head.
In other words, I don’t do shit.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (440)

Saturday, March 14th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Stephen Whitred:

Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.

Suzanne Heymann:

Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.

Dave Johnson:

She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.

Steven Frakt:

A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.

Thomas Vincent:

Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.

Delano Britt:

There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.

Fred Bortz:

A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.

Tim James:

When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Jean McEwen:

As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.

Ken Gosse:

A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”

Brian Allgar:

I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (339)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”

Tim James:

She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Beri Caram:

I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”

Tony Holmes:

If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.

Brian Allgar:

My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.

Steve Whitred:

There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.

Tim James:

An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”

Diane Groothuis:

A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.

Suzanne Heymann:

A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (336)

Sunday, January 19th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A prompt for a line is a cue,
And a queue is a line for the loo.
A stick to shoot pool,
A cotton-tipped tool,
An O with a tail –- now I’m through.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special SIN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A wild, wily widower, Will,
On a lark, once went cuckoo for Jill.
These birds of a feather
Played sex games together,
And the cardinal sin fit the bill.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Larz, Thomas Vincent, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Peter Boorman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CUE/QUEUE” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Her pool game – they started to mock it;
That shy little girl with a locket.
But, grabbing a cue,
She knew what to do;
Keep blasting their balls in the pocket.

Larz:

A naughty young nudist named Sue
Was checking out guys for a screw.
When she spotted his size,
She exclaimed with wide eyes:
“Oh, you’ll be the first in the queue!”

Thomas Vincent:

When approaching a modern day loo,
All ladies know just what to do;
Odd symbols of sex
Never trouble or vex;
They just head for the longest loo queue.

Daisy Hyrkas:

The actor’s awaiting his cue;
A loud and a stagy “Ah Choo!”
His partner can’t act,
Though to say so lacks tact.
(It’s a good thing that gal has the flu.)

Lisi Nortman:

My bananas were greenish in hue,
But I waited so long in the queue,
By the time I checked out
There was nary a doubt:
They were yellow and ready to chew.

Tim James:

A traditional Scotsman named Hugh
Started drinking at six, right on cue.
Around midnight he lay,
Kilt in full disarray,
With the ladies enjoying the view.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you want to avoid a long queue,
Just pretend you’ve come down with the flu.
Walk in crutches, then sneeze,
Cough a lot, cut the cheese
Till the others say, “Please, after you!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

From “cow speak,” we must take our cue
And translate “Don’t eat me!” from “Moo.”
And when old horses say
With a snort, “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!”
We must picket all plants that make glue.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SIN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

What’s “original sin”? I’ve been thrown
By the studies I’ve done on my own.
Because try as I might,
I just can’t get it right:
All my sins are already well-known.

Peter Boorman:

There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother.
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother.

Lisi Nortman:

Ev’ry Christmas we have a dispute:
Before company comes, I say, “SCOOT!
I have told you before
And I’ll tell you once more
Adam, please stay away from the fruit!”

Tony Holmes:

Oh, I tried to be virtuous – thrice.
Then I caved and surrendered to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me.
I was bound, now I’m free;
If it’s naughty, no need to ask twice.

Daisy Hyrkas:

In dimly lit rooms, I undress
And I do things I’ll have to confess.
It’s for profit, not fun,
Cuz I charge ev’ryone,
Though it’s true that the cute ones pay less.

Suzanne Heymann:

“If you sin morning, night, or at noon,
In a fiery pit you’ll be strewn.
If you beat Satan’s drum,
Hell will burn all you scum.
But God loves you! Please come again soon!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (328)

Saturday, August 10th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow was high as a kite
’Cause his girlfriend had made him that night
Special brownies and cakes.
Yes, she knows what it takes
For a guy to feel love at first bite.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THREAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A director whose films are quite lewd,
Would tell a new actor, “I’m rude
If somehow I fail
To disclose one detail:
Show up and you’re gonna get screwed.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Val Fish, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, John Cooney, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BITE/BYTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

I am teaching our doggy to bite
Any yellow-haired morons on sight,
So both Johnson and Trump
Will be nipped in the rump
As our dog wags his tail with delight.

Val Fish:

’Twas a nightmare, a terrible fright;
Count Dracula taking a bite.
But then I awoke;
It was hubby’s sick joke.
He slept DOWNSTAIRS the rest of the night.

Jean McEwen:

“Fear not!” Trixie said. “Just sit tight!
Buster’s bark is much worse than his bite!”
And so, trusting her word,
I sat tight — but incurred
Twelve deep gashes I’m nursing tonight.

Brian Allgar:

I roamed through the forest at night;
One tree was surprisingly bright.
Two eyes in the bark
That gleamed in the dark–
Who could know that the critter would bite?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I got rid of those bed bugs that bite
And now I can fin’ly sleep tight.
But what’s that I hear
Climbing into my ear?
Did something just say “Nighty Night?”

Tim James:

With the racism, rancor, and spite
From a dimwit whose head just ain’t right,
It’s depressing to know:
Eighteen months still to go.
May I please have a bullet to bite?

Robert Schechter:

What’s that? What you say isn’t right.
Though a dog when it barks is not quite
Being friendly, the cur
That I’ll always prefer
Is the one who just barks but won’t bite.

Kirk Miller:

A computer store owner named Wright
Has a good sense of humor and might
Post a sign when he’ll go
Out to lunch so folks know:
“Be Wright back, went to get a quick byte.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THREAT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

He said nothing, made no idle chat,
But the threat was still clear, for all that:
“Great and mighty am I;
Disobey me and die!”
(That’s a typical ’tude for a cat.)

John Cooney:

“Hello, I’m not in at the minute.
Be brief with your message. Begin it
With age, sex, location,
And key information:
Your address and when no one is in it!”

Lisi Nortman:

We’ve only just recently met,
But already I’m starting to sweat;
She proclaimed, “Let’s get married!”
And now I am harried
Cuz that is one serious threat!

Dave Johnson:

To kiddies, a parent would drone:
“Behave – or you’ll sit all alone!”
That’s back in the day;
Now they’re likely to say:
“Enough – or I’m taking your phone!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!