Posts Tagged ‘David Friedman’

Limerick-Off Award (485)

Saturday, December 25th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I have frown lines too old to erase
From that place where they’re taking up space.
If I cut down on strife,
And say “no” to the knife,
I’ll save money. (Too late to save face).

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FISH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A tuna whose name was Raúl
Wouldn’t run with a crowd, as a rule.
Off alone on a lark,
He fell prey to a shark.
Here’s the lesson: don’t drop out of school.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, James Mac Hale, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Steve Benko, Tony Holmes, Fred Bortz, Lorraine Padden, Rudy Landesman, David Friedman, Roger Haugen, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPACE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FISH-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

The fresh Plaice, placed on ice in a crate
Were still jumping and hard to placate.
I raced to that space,-
Grabbed a Plaice (and a Dace)
And an ace Hollandaise for my plate.

Sharon Neeman:

Said the boss to the fish-seller, “Todd,
Your damn cat just scarfed up all the cod,
Herring, whiting and plaice
That we had in this space!
Take her home or I’ll deck you, by God!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPACE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Mark Totterdell:

Although there were those who would knock it,
And a few who would openly mock it,
Jeff was shot into space
With a smile on his face
In his massive great cock of a rocket.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

As a student, Josh seemed out of place.
You could tell by the look on his face.
But he’d read any comic
with themes astronomic.
He’s in college now, taking up space.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

An MRI tube’s a cool place.
You can ask for some piano with bass.
But don’t start to groove
Cuz they won’t let you move,
And it clearly has limited space.

Terry Marter:

Drunk one night, he had found a warm space
For a nap (in a chook breeding place).
Then up came the sun
And in more ways than one
He’d awoken with egg on his face.

James Mac Hale:

Blitzen’s teaching the reindeer to brace
When they’re landing in limited space:
“To alight on the roof
You must dig in your hoof,
Or expect Rudolf’s butt in your face!”

Dave Johnson:

When zillionaires blast into space,
One question – so why the big chase?
Does leaving this earth
Help them showcase their worth
To hustle some alien race?

Terry Marter:

A Big Bang! A Black Hole, and much Hissing
(Understand it’s not Einstein I’m dissing),
But you cannot see space
(Though it’s right in your face),
So how can you tell if it’s missing?

James Mac Hale:

I’m named Mars, I’m soliciting Venus.
When gravity pulls on my penis
I say “Let us embrace
In our orbital space
And have asteroids flying between us.”

Tim James:

As we humans move out into space,
We may find it’s a wonderful place:
Ev’ry world full of life,
Free of hatred and strife.
(We’ll set phasers on kill, just in case.)

Steve Benko:

Once John Glenn went around us in space,
JFK said, “With Russia let’s race.
Is the moon made of cheese?
Let’s find out. And now please,
Miss Monroe, come and sit on my face.”

Tony Holmes:

Modern misses defending their space
Should give thanks to the makers of Mace.
Nothing says, “I said no
And I meant it. Please go!”
Like a pepper-spray jet in the face.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FISH-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

Don’t you think it’s the slightest bit odd
That E-pisca-pals worship a god
That resembles some fish
And tastes so delish?
Yes it’s true. I am swearing to Cod!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Our Special’s a wonderful dish.
It will answer your fine-dining wish.
The chef’s gone all out
To spruce up the trout,
So you won’t know you’re eating a fish.”

Lorraine Padden:

“A dogfish is really a shark,”
He tells me with no lack of snark.
“If you think it’ll fetch,
You’ll most likely kvetch
’Cuz its bite is much worse than its bark.”

Rudy Landesman:

You accuse me of being quite oafish,
Because I refuse to eat blowfish.
From all that I hear
Some are poisonous, dear.
For my dish, I would wish to have no fish.

David Friedman:

Remember the fish they called Wanda?
Starring Curtis and Kline (but not Fonda).
In the end, Kevin Kline
On Wanda would dine,
A truly unfortunate shanda.

Mark Totterdell:

When chilling with Steve, my pet stickleback,
I’d tickle his fins, he would tickle back,
Then he’d wiggle each spine,
Of which he had nine,
To the post-grungey music of Nickelback.

Roger Haugen:

It’s always my number-one wish
When fishing, to catch a big fish;
I’m hooked in the weeds,
While the osprey succeeds
In grabbing a fresh tasty dish.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When my Rev gave me cod in a dish,
He said, “Eat it all now, if you wish.”
Then he showed me some gear —
Rods and reels (and a spear!)
And I prayed, “Please don’t teach me to fish!”

Tim James:

Two piranhas, named Kevin and Kate,
Made their way down a stream, where they ate.
Then they had a big row.
Kate said, “Don’t have a cow!”
Kevin grinned as he answered, “Too late!”

David Friedman:

There once was an old fish named Sid
Who loved the aquarium lid.
When he was asked why,
“I’ve just,” he would sigh
“Loved tank tops since I was a kid.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Rod takes fish from my dish when we dine,
But he pays for both meals, so it’s fine.
I put up with this blunder,
But doesn’t he wonder
Why I never say, “Your plaice or mine?”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

There once was a cat with a wish-
To learn how to swim with the fish.
He fervidly swore
It was just to explore
While gently caressing his dish.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (484)

Saturday, December 11th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A rude nude in a mood, lewd and crude,
Stalked a dude who she thought should be wooed.
But the dude, who’s a prude,
Did not want to be screwed,
Or (for that matter) stalked, so he sued.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CRIME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Though we’re poor, let’s get married,” said Nate.
“We’ll pinch pennies and save. Let’s not wait!”
Then he boosted her car,
Though he didn’t get far.
Now he’s doing a nickel upstate.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Mark Totterdell, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Michael Moulton, David Friedman, Rudy Landesman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Your advances, good Sir, are too crude.
Now, pray do not think me a prude,
But you’ll be out of luck
If you say “Babe, let’s fuck!” –
I prefer to be tastefully wooed.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once a turkey snood’s viewed, prob’ly you’d
Then allude to the fact it looks crude.
But the hot-to-trot hen
On the prowl for fowl men,
Would say, “Tom’s the right dude for my brood.”

Mark Totterdell:

I hope that, with skill and with luck,
This rhyme won’t descend into muck
With a word that is crude
And offensive and rude
At the end of the fifth line. Oh fuck!

Roger Haugen:

Said the hooker, “You think that it’s lewd,
To spend so much time getting screwed?
For me, to be chaste
Would be a big waste–
Just look at the cash I’ve accrued.”

Kirk Miller:

A biologist tried to feed streusel
To a panda; was met with refusal.
The bear spurned the food
’Cause the offer was crude.
He found pandas are hard to bamboozle.

Bob Turvey:

A hungry young child in a cot
Used to pick at its nose quite a lot.
Said its mother, “How crude.
D’you think that stuff’s food?”
“I know,” said the child, “That it’s not.”

Dave Johnson:

Her method’s unfailingly shrewd;
She will say something naughty and crude.
That’s how it begins,
As seductiveness wins.
When lewd sets the mood, then you’re screwed.

Tim James:

In the oil patch she’s done ev’ry dude,
And with many base traits she’s imbued.
Other gals there are kind,
Thoughtful, smart, and refined,
But not her. She’s called “West Texas Crude.”

Brian Allgar:

“That skylark is raucous and crude,”
Complained Shelley. “It’s ruined my mood,
So I’ll trap and de-plume it,
And then I’ll consume it –
But should it be roasted, or stewed?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Over years, through my tears, I’ve accrued
Female vocals in great plenitude.
So at Christmas (it’s silly)
I always play Billie
To get into the Holiday mood.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CRIME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

I said “Let’s rob a bank” to my gang.
They replied “Are you MAD!? We could hang.”
They were quite right of course,
All we had was a horse
And toy gun with a flag that said BANG!

Lisi Nortman:

The burglars barged in; they were tough.
Their voices were scary and gruff.
They used filthy expressions.
And stole my possessions…
Then replaced them with up-to-date stuff.

Dave Johnson:

A wrecking ball known as The Donald
Demolished the party of Ronald.
It happened each time
He committed a crime;
Then had his impeachment McConnelled.

Mike Moulton:

A kid with an AR-15
And a loaded hi-cap magazine,
Said, “Who doesn’t bring
A gun to a thing,
Where a protestor might well be mean?”

Lisi Nortman:

We drove through the border with speed.
Then the guard yelled, “You must not proceed!
“Any firearms, knives,
That could harm people’s lives?”
We answered, “How much do you need?”

David Friedman:

Venus could see the Feds nearing
The moment she dropped her damn earring.
In her racquet it nested,
So she was arrested;
The crime was, of course, racketeering.

Rudy Landesman:

When Paris abducted fair Helen,
The Greeks, to a man, all were yellin’:
“That’s a crime in our book!”
But they all failed to look;
’Twas love that those foolish kids fell in.

Mark Totterdell:

It’s no wonder I acted quite stroppily
When accused of a life led improperly.
Yes, there’s truth in the tale
That I spent time in jail,
But it was in a game of Monopoly.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

As a cop, my old man is no honey;
He’s so righteous, it’s not even funny.
I’ll throw pants in the wash
Without checking for dosh,
And he’ll bust me for laundering money.

Dave Johnson:

He wanted to set up a tryst
With one who had barely been kissed.
The meeting was set;
And that’s how he met
A vice cop he couldn’t resist.

Rudy Landesman:

It’s a mystery! Still makes me brood.
Tell me who murdered young Edwin Drood.
’Cause as the plot thickens,
The author, Charles Dickens,
Just went off and died. That was rude.

Jean McEwen:

When you purchase a gun for your son
And he then offs his schoolmates for fun,
Please do not act surprised
When you’re roundly despised
And find out you’ve got nowhere to run.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At a Mystery Night meet-and-greet,
Where we “crime-solvers” eat and compete,
For being the winner,
I got a free dinner.
The real mystery, though, was the meat.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (483)

Saturday, November 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Santas Barbara, Ana and Cruz
May have charms to delight and amuse,
But for one special quality,
Seasonal jollity,
Claus is the Santa I’d choose.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RETIREMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The rat race is over. I’m done.
Retirement, I’ve found, is more fun.
After thousands of days
Running through that damn maze,
I had to concede. The rats won.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Sue Dulley, Mark Totterdell, Terry Marter, Christine Frier, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Doug Harris, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If he’d known there’d be watered-down booze;
Rowdy queues at the unisex loos;
Huge overstuffed trunks;
Two castaway skunks —
Noah would have said “no” to the cruise.

Brian Allgar:

We had taken a luxury cruise,
But my friend had drunk far too much booze.
They cried “Man overboard!”
And a ravenous horde
Of white sharks came to check the good news.

David Friedman:

A control on my car labeled ‘Cruise’
Is very intriguing to use:
I press it and ZIP!
I’m there on a ship
With swimming pools, buffets, and booze!

Sue Dulley:

Penélope Cruz and Tom Cruise
Once were partners, I heard on the news.
If he asked her to wed,
Here’s what she may have said:
“Change my name to Cruz-Cruise? I refuse!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A French artist emboldened by booze,
Asked a prostitute out on a cruise.
She replied, “Well, Lautrec —
Oh, hell, what the heck.
I really have nothing to lose.”

Mark Totterdell:

On that ship packed with creatures in twos,
With their bellows and roars, neighs and moos,
And their horrible stink,
I could not sleep a wink.
I’d award just one star to that cruise.

Terry Marter:

Had enough of ‘cool’ jazz in this freeze.
Made some notes to seek tropical breeze.
Got a gig on a cruise
With my horn, – playing blues
And some sizzling high ‘C’s on high seas.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My new beau, who calls couch a divan,
Will remind me, “It’s SKILLET, not pan.”
He says “con job” is ruse,
And a bottle’s a cruse,
Then he swigs all his beer from a can.

Christine Frier:

We were booked on the “Hook’ n High Seas.”
It’s a cruise where crocheting’s the tease.
But the action on cruise,
Was with husband and flooze.
The hooker was hooking high fees.

Tim James:

I met a young gal on a cruise;
She’s a lawyer, a cook, and a flooze.
Yes, this set-up is lame
And this punch line’s the same:
She’s a woman who sues, stews, and screws.

Mark Totterdell:

Sailing south over depths oceanic,
The polar bears realized, in panic,
That the fate of their cruise
Would be major world news,
As their iceberg had hit the Titanic.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RETIREMENT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Byron Miller:

I will never, it seems, be retired;
I guess planning ahead was required.
I lived for enjoyment,
Chose part-time employment —
Hope Walmart soon tells me I’m hired.

Brian Allgar:

I needed the garage’s wares,
And I’d taken my car for repairs.
“Please re-tire this car.”
They replied “Right you are.”
When I went back, they’d sold it for spares!

Lisi Nortman:

This job sure is makin’ me cry.
Can’t wait for my final goodbye.
But the figures now show
That I really can’t go
Till 20 years after I die.

Terry Marter:

There’s no way that I’ll ever retire,
Cuz my debt’s getting higher and higher.
Now I’m feeling the heat
From a loan shark named Pete,
As I leap from the pan to the fire.

Doug Harris:

Retirement? You workers can scoff,
As we creak and we stumble and cough.
But if you examine a
Pensioner’s stamina;
Be impressed – we don’t take a day off!

Brian Allgar:

The hooker had made enough dough,
And she felt a most virtuous glow
When she chose to retire
And join the church choir.
Her fav’rite composer? John Blow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My kinfolk spawned nobody famous
(Who would claim us), except Uncle Amos.
He drew local attention,
Embezz’ling a pension.
So we moved out of town. Can you blame us?

Tony Holmes:

“I was free, at long last, to devote
All my time to restoring my boat.
The expenses surprised
And I’ve now been advised,
‘Get a job – it will keep you afloat.’”

Lisi Nortman:

Retirement! What a great life!
No more hassle, no conflicts, no strife!
The world feels so sweet,
And to make things complete
Tomorrow, I’m leaving my wife.

Steve Benko:

In retirement, what could I do?
But Madeleine, dear, then came you.
My life’s new direction
Is verbal confection;
It’s fun, since it seems I can’t screw.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (482)

Saturday, November 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A musically gifted Italian
Was a farmer who won a medallion
For a novel technique
Of marketing leek,
Which earned him the title “rapscallion.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special COMPLAINT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A couple were bitchin’ and moanin’
That airplanes they’d recently flown in
Had rest rooms so cramped
That they thoroughly damped
Expectations of aerial bonin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Diane Groothuis, Bob Turvey, Dane Paulsen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Christine Frier, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, David Friedman, Mark Totterdell, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LEAK or LEEK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COMPLAINT LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

My toilet continues to leak,
And the neighbours complain of the reek.
But the plumber can’t come,
He has broken his thumb,
So we’re calling our bathroom “Shit Creek.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAK or LEEK”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Roger Haugen:

A camper on break took a leak
In an outhouse made wholly of teak;
He finished his whizz–
“What a nice place this is!”
And stayed there the rest of the week.

Diane Groothuis:

A woman whose taste was unique,
Collected all objects antique.
While in Paris she got
A crystal piss pot,
So she now takes a leak in Lalique.

Bob Turvey:

A woman who fancied a Greek,
Stole into his garden last week.
He said, “I can see
You are taking a pea.”
And she said, “No. I’m taking a leek.”

Dane Paulsen:

My mustache is wide and quite thick,
So the corners aren’t easy to lick.
When it’s freezing and bleak
And my nose starts to leak,
My stache-cycles hang past my dick.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s true, I can’t swallow a leek;
It could stay in my mouth for a week.
This practice is fine
When in private I dine,
But in public, it takes too much cheek.

Brian Allgar:

Our cat ate my goldfish, the sneak!
But I fooled the damned pussy this week.
She caught one again,
Took one bite, yowled with pain –
I’d bought a glass fish by Lalique.

Lisi Nortman:

For vichyssoise, here’s my technique:
Potatoes, of course, at their peak.
Chicken broth and some cream,
Then imagine a stream
To remember you must add a leek.

Brian Allgar:

I was making some bubble-and-squeak,
When my wife said “I wish you would speak
In a less vulgar way!”
I had happened to say
“There’s no cabbage – I’ll just take a leek.”

Terry Marter:

As the planet gets hotter each summer,
Pollies spew CO2 and seem dumber.
It’s the bullshit they speak,
While they silently leak
More methane. We’re doomed!– What a bummer!

Mark Totterdell:

Cock-a-Leekie’s no cause for submission
To the care of a trusted clinician.
It’s a soup that’s unique,
Made from chicken and leek,
Not an older man’s penile condition.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Upon testing the broth, Chef cried, “Eek!
Who among you has made my soup reek?!”
When the whole stinking mess
Then got spilled to the press,
Although pressed, none confessed to the leek.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COMPLAINTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

A concupiscent woman named Trask
Took her clueless young boyfriend to task:
“You don’t know very much
About where you should touch.
If you need some directions, just ask!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When a guy likes to argue and wrangle
Over topics too vague to untangle,
If he claims his mystique
Stems from being oblique,
You can bet he’s a guy with an angle.

Dave Johnson:

She said to the manager, Shane:
“I am not really one to complain,
But your wait-staffer spilled
As my wine glass was filled;
And gave me the look of this stain.”

Christine Frier:

To get an appointment, it’s weeks?
My body has creaks, and it squeaks.
The complaint that’s the worst,
I should have said first.
That e-ver-y orifice leaks!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A stoic was hit by a train,
Then dragged through the rain by a chain,
Limbs askew, black and blue,
He was asked “How are you?”
His simple reply: “Can’t complain.”

Rudy Landesman:

My beagle named Bagel won’t fetch.
She’s just a cantankerous wretch.
All day in the park
She’ll sit there and bark.
Oy vey! Where’d that bitch learn to kvetch?

Lisi Nortman:

Thanksgiving is coming; it’s wise
To avoid all those real yummy pies.
If you don’t, you will whine,
“Though the sweets were divine,
They seem to have fused with my thighs.”

Terry Marter:

“I’m a man of few words: You’re a HON!
Let’s have sex now – I want you – a ton!”
After one moment’s pause
She said “My place or yours?”
He said “Quibbling!? – Forget it! – I’m Done!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Trick or Treat” at our neighborhood coven
Is the day for their annual love-in.
But one hitch makes me bitch —
It’s that witch with the glitch
Always itching to light up the oven.

Tony Holmes:

“I am loath to complain…, but here goes:
I object to you picking your nose.
Avoid contact with snout
When you’re peeling a sprout,
And the same holds for picking your toes.”

David Friedman:

A sad married couple from Sonnet
Sought couns’ling to do work upon it:
“I know,” the man said,
“Her complaint is in bed,
But I can’t put my finger quite on it.”

Terry Marter, for his “Philosophical Physics Test”

An imagin’ry eel’s dropped in batter:
Find displacement and calculate spatter.
Don’t ‘Ethics’ appeal.
This eel isn’t real;
It will writhe and will reel, – but won’t “matter.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The complaint is an art and a science,
A lackluster form of defiance.
So go find your victim,
Deliver your dictum,
Then pester him into compliance.

Rudy Landesman:

I’d booked an exotic vacation
At a gay S&M destination.
But damn! What a bummer!
They shut down last summer.
Gotta settle for self-flagellation.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (481)

Saturday, October 30th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick and its unusually clever use of homonyms:

Willie the Wharf is in tiers.
He’s been dammed for the rest of his years.
No longer a dock,
He’ll be kept under lock
By a jury of all of his piers.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special LIMB-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Adam, “Lord, be a good egg
And give me a woman, I beg.”
God replied, “I can try,
But the price will be high –
She will cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Well, I don’t need some posh memsahib,
And she mustn’t support Women’s Lib.
But I just can’t afford
To lose two limbs, dear Lord,
So what could I get for a rib?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Sondra Landin, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, Doug Harris, Mark Totterdell, Sally Rosoff, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOCK or DOC”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

While looking for ducks off my dock,
You’ll see turtles, both real ones and mock,
And not too much later
You may see a ’gator!
I promise, this isn’t a croc.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An annoyed, anti-Freud kind of Doc,
Said my Oedipus Complex was schlock.
“You’ll never get happy
By marrying Pappy.
This fixation is pure poppycock!”

Terry Marter:

You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with a boner
I DO like the style of your frock.

Sondra Landin:

An imposing fine figure, my doc;
He is thorough and caring – my rock.
When those five words I hear –
“Come see me next year,”
I think “Whew, not yet time to take stock!”

Bob Turvey:

“Hydrocephalus,” said an old Dane,
“Is a head full of water and pain.
To drain it, a doc
Transplanted my cock.
But now I have sex on the brain.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lost my laptop, my job — I’m in hock.
Even Hightail, my dog, took a walk.
My canoe’s in the slough,
And my paycheck’s gone, too.
Now I haven’t one thing left to dock.

Sue Dulley:

I cooked some chow mein in my wok
Using two kinds of choy – pak and bok –
And some fungi I found
In the woods on the ground,
Now I’m dying to talk to my doc.

Tim James:

They won’t listen to Fauci the doc;
COVID science they cluelessly mock.
Get the jab? Wear a mask?
That’s just too much to ask!
What they’re full of they spew by the crock.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a clown to his shrink, “I’ve a block,
And sound fuddier each time I talk.”
Urged the psych with a poke,
“So then let’s hear a joke.”
“Okay!” Cried the comic, “Doc Doc…”

Brian Allgar:

I had opened a vintage Medoc;
My first glass was a terrible shock.
My precious old red
Was a fraud, for instead,
It was nothing but watery hock!

Steve Benko:

“The Titanic is leaving the dock;
To believe it could sink is a crock,”
Said the captain. A clue,
Though, alarmed the whole crew,
For the man had a hole in his sock.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIMB-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

I tripped on a simple tent peg:
Broke ankle and wrist, now I beg
For your limberick vote
For this punchline I wrote –
Coz it’s cost me an arm and a leg!

Tim James:

Want a lim about limbs? Here you are:
She has legs like a hot movie star,
Firmly muscled and tanned.
Oh, I bet they’d feel grand
Wrapped around me (no luck there so far.)

Mark Totterdell:

I had to return my pet starfish,
It was truly a well below par fish.
It had met with some harm
And had only one arm
Out of five, which is not even halfish.

Sally Rosoff:

He bragged about skill unsurpassed,
As a climber – we watched, all aghast.
The mistake made by him?
Going out on a limb.
Now he’s walking around in a cast.

Rudy Landesman:

The defendant walked out of the court
With a laugh and a sneer and a snort.
As he had predicted,
He was not convicted.
The long arm of the law was too short.

Jean McEwen:

I prefer that not all the world see
Every limb of my family tree
Because not too far out
You’ll find many a lout.
(In fact, one is my dad – first degree.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder, for her “The First Garden?”

In a tree, as serene as a chapel,
As the sun on its leaves paints a dapple,
A lone man on a limb
Hears a girl call to him —
“Hey, Stupid-head, bring me an apple!”

Terry Marter:

His new Guillotine’s gone to his head,
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said.)
He expected a slice
To be cut off the price.
Now he’s still very much in the red.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled when he read last week’s news:
“Here at ‘Wooden Leg Mart’
Come today, if you’re smart.
Buy the legs, and we’ll throw in the shoes.”

Diane Groothuis:

When her boyfriend got down on one knee,
It sure was a fine sight to see.
He looked up at the sky
And then told her why:
“In my sock there’s a troublesome flea.”

Dave Johnson:

They said she went out on a limb;
Predicted her chances were slim.
Since “they” were all males,
This is one of those tales
With a “her” outperforming a “him.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (479)

Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I once caught the flu from a fly
Who flew on my pie from on high.
I put down the coup
By slamming my shoe
Into what has become shoefly pie.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special BRAGGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After scaring up “Friends” coast-to-coast,
Casper boasts on a post, “I’ve the most!
Countless followers boo me,
And thousands see through me —
Not to mention the millions I ghost!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Rudy Landesman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BRAGGING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

“I’m a yugely-equipped kinda guy,”
Boasted Donald, unzipping his fly.
So the hooker went down,
Gave a mystified frown.
“I can’t find it,” she said with a sigh.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley

The shock made me think I would die;
A bug in my fabric supply!
I started to froth
At the mouth – “Help! a moth!!”
But it turned out to be but-a-fly.

Dave Johnson:

A math teacher learned how to fly;
The skill that allowed him to try
His brand-new technique.
Now some students may seek
To learn about pi in the sky.

David Friedman:

There once was a young fly named Whit
Who hated his life quite a bit.
“To be,” he would sigh,
“A bee, not a fly,
And fly among flowers, not shit!”

Sue Dulley:

I am stuck in this treetop so high,
Just a chick; I don’t know how to fly.
I attest that it’s best
That I rest in this nest,
Egg me on, kick me out and I’ll die.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I said, as I pawed through the rack,
For a baseball mitt (something I lack),
To the clerk standing by,
“Soon I’ll catch my first fly!”
He said, “Why not just give it a whack?”

Brian Allgar:

My wife hates the food when we fly;
She complains: “Gourmet food? What a lie!”
On our journey to Sydney
They served steak-and-kidney.
“You see? It’s just pie in the sky.”

Dave Johnson:

While under a microscope’s eye,
This subject has secrets to pry.
Entomologists know
That it just goes to show
There’s stuff you can learn on the fly.

Robert Schechter:

I looked up by chance at the sky
When a pigeon pooped crap in my eye.
I let out a curse,
But it could have been worse:
Imagine if hippos could fly!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Always failing when aiming too high,
I was flailing with each futile try.
So I set my sights lower,
And learned to go slower.
Now I’m skillful at killing a fly.

Tim James:

His pick-up lines just didn’t fly.
“You’re a pig!” said the gal in reply,
Then got mad (who’d have guessed?)
When he asked her in jest:
“Would you like to come up to my sty?

Robert Schechter:

I swear that it wasn’t a lie
When I said I would not hurt a fly,
But you, as you know,
Are a human, and so
Prepare, motherf*cker, to die.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BRAGGING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Ken Gosse:

While I stood in the checkout line, bragging,
The speed of the line started dragging.
My stories were bold,
But were too often told.
They begged me to “Please, finish bagging!”

Sue Dulley:

I am old and I live on a pension;
I have few ways to get your attention.
So permit me to say
In a (non-)bragging way:
Mad once gave me an hon’rable mention.

Rudy Landesman:

My wife, not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
When we are in bed,
She gives me great head
And does wonderful things with her hand.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

When posting my profile on Bumble,
I’m hoping that I didn’t fumble
By laying out raw
My only grave flaw
Of being exceedingly humble.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (on Covid Rules)

For the last two darn years, we have sat
Alone in our house or our flat.
Like we fell in a hole,
Never went near one soul.
Not to brag, but I’ve ALWAYS done that.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

About boasting, I needed advice,
And my minister said, “It’s not nice.
You like praise, and want more?
That’s what fun’rals are for.”
I guess bragging rites come with a price.

Tim James:

At the bake-off we all heard her boast
That the judges would like her bread most.
She committed a goof
And her dough failed to proof —
So now it appears that she’s toast.

Byron Miller:

“Only I have the deal that you want,”
Says the braggart with ego to flaunt,
But I can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (474)

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a Tail-Rhyme and a Vanity-Themed limerick:

Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special VANITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny “Soprano Vanity” limerick:

Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C.”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Bob Slapcoff, John Davison, Sjaan VandenBroeder, David Friedman, Bob Turvey, Sondra Landin, Terry Marter, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Benko, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VANITY LIMERICKS)

Bob Slapcoff:

A peacock parading his tail,
Or a gaudily carapaced snail;
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease,
As soon as I get out of jail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”

John Davison:

Whilst out for a walk with my snail
We dined on fresh cabbage and kale,
But when the rain fell
He just hid in his shell,
Thus precluding a riveting tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.

Bob Turvey:

Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”

Sondra Landin:

Plot ideas come pelting like hail;
I try to corral them — and fail.
I rail and I wail
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.

Tim James:

Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VANITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He reflects at the pool where he’s lying.
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing) —
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.

Tony Holmes:

Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.

Lisi Nortman:

“I’m not showy in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies,
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”

Tim James:

A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.

Terry Marter:

She was vain, sexy, slinky and sleek.
On her “look” she spent almost a week.
Then she dated a lout
Who did not beat about
The proverbial bush (so to speak.)

Tim James:

If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
’Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!

Steve Benko:

With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.

Rudy Landesman:

My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (467)

Saturday, April 17th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.

Sondra Landin:

The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”

Kirk Miller:

The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.

Tim James:

Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.

Brian Allgar:

The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.

Terry Marter:

In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.

Doug Harris:

As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.

Rudy Landesman:

The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?

Tim James:

A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

Mark Totterdell:

A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.

Jean McEwen:

It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.

Terry Marter:

Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.

Rudy Landesman:

A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.

Tim James:

“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”

Kirk Miller:

The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (466)

Saturday, March 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dave Johnson:

Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:

I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.

Tony Holmes:

“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”

Bob Turvey:

Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.

Tim James:

“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.

Terry Marter:

My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.

Ken Gosse:

Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.

Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”

“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”

David Friedman:

In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.

Tim James:

Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”

Gail White:

Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!

Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”

We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (465)

Saturday, March 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Dodos died, so it’s tragic but true
That there’s nobody left now who knew
Of the shape or the length
Or olfactory strength
Of the doo-doos a dodo would do.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BUGS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Brian Allgar:

I’d begun to have sex in the grass
With the prettiest girl in my class,
When “Oh God!” cried the chick,
“What a terrible prick!”
… She’d been bitten by ants in the ass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order. (There are more than usual because it was a very strong week for entries, both in terms of quantity and quality.) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BUGS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Now that COVID is practically through
And we’ve all had a jab — maybe two —
Can we take our guitars
And sit under the stars
As we sing (and pass round) Mountain Dew?

This old folkie’s not put off by bugs
Or by (mild) recreational drugs,
But I surely do long
To exchange — not just song,
But a thing that’s far better — real hugs!

Thomas Vincent:

Each time that I feel down and blue,
I munch on an insect or two.
Though humans like hugs,
I’ll just stick to bugs.
What else is a shrew s’pposed to do?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When Satan came sauntering through
The salon door, the hairdresser knew
She could NOT blow him off.
So she fashioned his coif,
Thereby giving the devil his ’do.

Terry Marter:

I woke you (at quarter-to-two)
To show you I’ve written “I Do,”
And be sure you can see
That line four rhymes with three.
You can go back to sleep now – I’m through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone

A baby’s a dream that comes true.
Can’t believe my sweet girl’s almost two.
But her dad’s of no use;
He’ll use any excuse
Not to change her when she makes a doo.

Sondra Landin:

We’ve had a long friendship, we two.
In good and bad years we pulled through.
But times are a-changing;
Our needs now far-ranging.
Let’s say our adieus sans ado.

Thomas Vincent:

If you want to use something that’s new,
Try our super thick, quick-drying glue.
But take care and beware;
If applied to your hair,
You surely will rue your new do.

Tony Holmes:

How you’re greeted will give you the clue.
You’re in Britain: It’s “How do you do?”
Down in Oz, it’s “Goo’ day!”
And in Paree so gay,
It’s “Bonjour” and then “Merci beaucoup.”

In some states they say “Howdy!” (It’s true.)
In some others, “Hey ya’ll” or “Hey you.”
“How’s it hangin’?” is hip,
Though “Whassup?” has more zip,
And for Cajuns, “Bonjour” and “Adieu.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Noah boarded the beasts two-by-two —
’Twas a task the Big Boss bade him do.
He faced it, unblinking,
But couldn’t help thinking,
“The world is becoming a zoo.”

Sue Dulley:

I’m Sue. This is long overdue –
I never was born, I just grew.
So how can this be?
It was quite clear to me;
My parents were too shy to screw.

Dave Johnson:

While looking for something to do,
He dialed up a lady he knew,
Saying “Hey, I’m so bored.”
She said “Here’s your reward
For calling – now come bore me too.”

David Friedman:

There’s a raunchy giraffe at the zoo
Who shouts (as giraffes seldom do):
“If you think my neck’s long
Just look at my schlong!”
Then pisses to show that it’s true.

Gail White:

I’m claiming, without more ado,
That my Biblical visions are true,
While your foolish reliance
On reason and science
Reflects very poorly on you.

Terry Marter:

The clairvoyants’ convention was due.
They had asked us along. (We all flew.)
At Departure that night,
They all cancelled their flight,
So we cancelled ours too – wouldn’t you?!

Dave Johnson:

It came while in bed from her side;
A quiver she couldn’t quite hide.
Although they were through,
He asked “What did you do?”
“Just gave you a hand,” she replied.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BUGS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A diner, so bugged by the guy
Who waited his table, yelled “Fie!
You have managed to pour
On my lap soup du jour,
And now there’s a soup in my fly!”

Brian Allgar:

Damned mosquitoes! It isn’t the pain
That is driving me slowly insane,
But that nerve-racking whine
As they zoom in to dine
Once again, and again, and again!

Dave Johnson:

I’m puzzled what everyone sees
In purchasing items like these.
They’re blankets and such
Which I’d rather not touch
That come from a market of fleas.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Hey, mosquito, let’s have a nice chat.
Don’t be shy, cuz I know where you’re at.
You’ve sucked up my blood,
But I’ll be your best “bud”
If you guzzle up some of my fat.

Terry Marter:

Some beetles are bullies and thugs
That treat the less wary as mugs.
But some, bright and gay,
Go out of their way
To stop and give lady bugs hugs!

Dave Johnson:

“I’ll tell you who bugs me the most,”
She said to the afternoon host.
“It’s people you ask
About wearing a mask
Who claim that their ‘freedom’ is toast.”

“But now that the vaccines are here,
Their purpose in life becomes clear.
They scheme and design
To be there first in line;
I hope they get shot in the rear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A pillbug, aggrieved, won’t reveal it;
When insulted, he tries not to feel it.
Called a “sow” or a “louse,”
He’ll be tempted to grouse,
But rolls up in a ball to conceal it.

Tony Holmes:

When disporting alfresco, beware!
Gnats and midges may nest in your hair.
This, in turn, makes you itch –
And that itch is a bitch.
It’s a high price to pay for fresh air.

Tim James:

Insurrectionist Klein loudly cursed:
“Damn these roaches! They’re simply the worst!
Move me out of here! Ick!”
But the roaches were quick:
They petitioned to move him out first.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (333)

Saturday, November 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:

Tony Holmes:

‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”

The rest of this saga is here.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.

Brian Allgar:

The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.

Tim James:

An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.

Suzanne Heymann:

My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!

David Friedman

“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”

David Reddekopp:

The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”

Roger Haugen:

Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.

John Bergstrom:

Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.

Jean McEwen:

While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)

Roger Haugen:

What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.

Dave Johnson:

The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.

Lisi Nortman:

We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (325)

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pirate who died in Dakar
Lost his booty at cards in a bar.
Giving up all that loot
Made his chest pains acute.
Sadly, no one there knew CP arrrr.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special FARM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a SALUTE-rhyme limerick:

Damn toxins get right to the root
And damage the veggies and fruit.
So on Earth Day we tried
To throw them aside,
And a worm gave a grateful salute.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, David Reddekopp, Tim James, Kirk Miller, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FARM LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Las Vegas has riveting charm,
But it also can cause you much harm;
If you aren’t astute,
You can lose all your loot.
So remember: Don’t bet the whole farm!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Diane Groothuis:

A flautist who played on a flute
And a lutenist playing a lute
Went busking one day,
But they lost all their pay
As the looter was much more astute.

David Reddekopp:

The prez is an ignorant brute,
An orangutan stuffed in a suit.
He, for all of his days
Seeks unwarranted praise,
But I’ll give the one-finger salute.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FARM LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Farmer Bob gave a new crop a try
When his cash flow went badly awry.
The results have been grand:
Now supply and demand
Keep his profits and customers high.

Kirk Miller:

From the past, U.S. farmers don’t learn.
Lots of topsoil’s eroded; they yearn
For rich, fertile soil
In which they can toil.
Lack of dirt is a growing concern.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The stampede of the cows caused him harm.
Then the pigs went and chewed off his arm.
From this horror he dropped,
Till his breathing had stopped.
(The old codger had bought the whole farm.)

David Friedman:

A horny cheese-farmer named Jay
Would shtup his poor cows every day.
The cows would start chewing
When he started spewing,
But it never did get in his whey.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (323)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”

Sharon Neeman:

As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.

Jean McEwen:

I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.

Tim James:

A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.

Tim Gray:

The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.

Lisi Nortman:

Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!

Sharon Neeman:

Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”

* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.

Kirk Miller:

By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.

Kim Norman:

When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!

Dave Johnson:

The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.

Bruce McGuffin:

To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.

David Friedman:

Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”

John Edwards:

There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (321)

Sunday, May 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

On vacation, I paddle and grin
In warm seawater up to my chin —
But if I were a cuke,
I’d be wanting to puke
And would wail: “What a pickle I’m in!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special POLICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Trooper Jenna’s a cop who will nail ya
While working her beat in Centralia.
If speeding’s your crime,
This would be the one time
That you don’t want to see Jenna tail ya.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, David Friedman, Jean McEwen, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Val Fish, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIN or CHAGRIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A gambler, his face in a grin,
Took a gal to his place for some sin.
Well-known as a joker,
He started to poke ’er
And quipped as he did: “I’m all in!”

David Friedman:

The surgeon downed three shots of gin,
As his patient looked on with chagrin.
Said he: “This small step
Is an alcohol prep,
And your surgery now can begin.”

Jean McEwen:

Last night, when my Siamese twin
Overdid it with Beefeater Gin,
She and I both got smashed.
Now, hung over, abashed,
We’ve a mutual sense of chagrin.

Ken Gosse:

Three large ships landed far from the shore,
Where some shepherds, kings, camels, and more
Paid for rooms at the inn,
Causing Joseph chagrin,
As the landlord made profits galore.

Mike Burch:

Just thinking of Trump makes me grin:
I imagine glass walls caving in
And that fat flabby ass
Exposed, belching gas
That ignites and devours his kin.

Sharon Neeman:

As I walk my big dog through the city,
The joy on her face is so pretty!
The expression it’s in
Is… well, not quite a grin:
It’s more like a Smile of Great Pittie.

Brian Allgar:

Donald Junior displays, with a grin,
Yet another dead animal skin.
It is really too bad
That it isn’t his Dad
That the murderous creep has done in.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:

Lose that sadness and put on a grin
And set out to feel joy from within.
Under stress, you’ll pull through,
Getting pleasure anew.
Have a chuckle. Chill out. It’s no sin.

Tim James:

A Republican flunky named Flynn
Stoked a mob with a lunatic grin.
“Lock her up!” was his cry
As the lies he let fly.
When does HIS stretch in prison begin?

Val Fish:

With his sermon about to begin
The priest had to hide a huge grin,
Cuz just minutes ago
Out the back with a pro
He’d committed a cardinal sin.

Lisi Nortman:

My good pal always wears a wide grin.
He says “Life is just one big win-win.”
“Start each day with a smile,
Knowing all of the while
That you’ll end it with Beefeater Gin.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POLICE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When you’re drunk, heading back from the bar,
And a trooper pulls over your car,
There’s no point in insisting
You’re sober; resisting
Arrest just won’t get you that far.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love and have peace…
And if you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And a couple of golden egg geese.

Brian Allgar, who says: “Fake News, I’m sorry to say.”

The Donald loves copping a feel:
“Grab a pussy, and hear how they squeal!”
But he’s now doing time
For a sexual crime;
He was feeling a cop – no appeal.

John Shardlow:

It seems Superman’s got a new hobby;
He robs guests in the Radisson lobby.
He dons a red cape
And make his escape,
Pursued by an Oxford Street bobby.

Tim James:

A cop pulled me over, it’s true,
When I’d had a martini or two.
(Maybe three…maybe five…)
I said, “I’m drood to guyve!”
Now alas, like that trooper, I’m blue.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (320)

Saturday, April 20th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:

Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sim Smailes:

Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”

Tim James:

A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.

Robert Schechter:

I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”

Fred Bortz:

“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.

Ken Gosse:

I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.

Kirk Miller:

Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”

Steve Benko:

We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?

Kat Irving:

As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)

Alan Hochbaum:

Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.

Tim James:

She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.

Brian Allgar:

“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.

Dave Johnson:

I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (318)

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Two pencils set off on erase,
Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace;
The number one led,
Then the two got ahead,
But it ended a draw for first place.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Conductor-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

An ancient conductor named Tim
(Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
He was well past his prime
Up on stage, beating time,
Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Thomas Vincent, Kat Irving, John Edwards, Lisi Nortman, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RACE or ERASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When the demagogue entered the race
Scary changes began to take place.
People took great delight
Showing hatred and spite,
Meeting two definitions of “base.”

Fred Bortz:

“It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
“Your body’s so supple.
I’m eager to couple.”
She replied, “Wait, this isn’t a race.”

Thomas Vincent:

When viewed from a ship out in space,
Humanity’s such a disgrace.
If evolving’s the test,
And Trump is the best,
We surely aren’t winning the race.

Kat Irving:

I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
Who plays an enormous red cello.
When he picks up the pace,
My heart starts to race.
And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.

Tim James:

He was awed by her body and face,
So he went with her, back to her place,
Where he found out that “she”
Was hung better than he.
That’s an image he’d like to erase.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONDUCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Edwards:

To a cellist, a maestro from Datchet
Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
Your instrument lies
Between your two thighs;
And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The conductor seemed very forlorn:
He told me, “I’m terribly torn;
Though this job is first-rate,
Today wasn’t great
Cause Ms. Dinah would not blow my horn.”

Brian Allgar:

“That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
“She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
In ‘playing the flute,’
But my flute had gone mute,
So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”

John Edwards:

The conductor stepped onto the stand.
A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
He looks pretty slick
With his cute little stick.
And he waves it in time with the band.

Fred Bortz:

I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
For Quantum Mechanics,
“Why Schrödinger Panics”;
For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Musicians will often expound
A philosophy, very profound:
“The conductor’s unkind,
But we do keep in mind
That at least that damn stick makes no sound.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (317)

Saturday, March 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar, Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Simmons:

A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.

Dave Johnson:

A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.

Fred Bortz:

My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”

Tim James:

A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.

Victor Hood:

She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.

John Shardlow:

The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”

Thomas Vincent:

An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.

Kat Irving:

The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.

Mike Moulton:

A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Tim James:

The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”

Brian Allgar:

I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.

Jean McEwen:

As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.

Tim James:

My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.

David Friedman:

The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (316)

Saturday, February 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a Deal-rhyme limerick and an Argument-themed limerick:

Though the guy had seduction in view,
She had argued the whole evening through.
At the end of the meal,
She explained: “Here’s the deal –
If you want me, my girl-friend comes too.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ARGUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

People argue online quite a bit;
Many tweets are just quarrelsome shit.
I have one thing to say
About Twitter today:
The emphasis lies on the “Twit.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and CRAIG DYKSTRA, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sharon Neeman:

“Let’s play cards,” said my date. “Look, I’ll deal
One card each; if you lose, you must peel.”
He drew ten; I drew nine;
He snapped “Well?” I said “Fine!” —
And prepared all the spuds for our meal.

Craig Dykstra:

Then he said “I propose something greater:
To your sexual whims I will cater.
Skip the kitchen ordeal,
We’ll make love with great zeal –
And if time allows, cook taters later!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, John Shardlow, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Thomas Vincent, Doug Harris, Victor Hood, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Judith H. Block, Jean McEwen, and Margie Nairn. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ARGUMENT LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

“I’ll make dinner all week,” said my spouse,
“If you let me off cleaning the house.”
“Are you crazy? No deal!
Your idea of a meal
Is cold hot dogs! Start scrubbing, you louse!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her acrostic limerick:

A tiff can be quite an ordeal.
Remember it takes time to heal.
Get a bottle of wine;
Uncork — don’t decline.
End your fight and go have a nice meal.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DEAL or ORDEAL or IDEAL” RHYME DIVISION)

John Shardlow:

A money mad girl from Great Billing
Was for coins of the realm always willing;
For just three pence, the deal
Would give you a feel.
Now think what she’d do for a shilling!

Tim James:

You think Stone has cojones? Get real.
He’ll take one look at Mueller and deal.
When he’s finished, this crook
Will have written a book
With the title “The Art of the Squeal.”

Brian Allgar:

The hooker gave Donald her spiel:
“Oh, your penis is simply ideal!
What a wonderful dick!
Not too long, not too thick!”
(Thinks: “It’s more of a snack than a meal.”)

Thomas Vincent:

The truth has become an ordeal,
And the facts have all lost their appeal.
Like Salvador Dali,
You betcha by golly,
Reality’s turning surreal.

Doug Harris:

“Two-for-one on new lenses, a steal,”
The optometrist said with appeal,
Through his monocle stare.
“I buy mine by the pair,”
I replied. “So it’s hardly eye-deal!”

Victor Hood:

The neophyte gambler had zeal,
So he said to the dealer, “Just deal!”
With his purse soon consumed,
He said as he fumed:
“This game has lost all its appeal.”

Robert Schechter:

I have heard people say, “Wheel and deal,”
And I know the word “deal” to be real.
In commonplace jargon
It just means to bargain,
But what does it mean when we “wheel”?

Tim James:

Achilles got quite the raw deal:
He got shot in the foot. The appeal
Went from Greece to on high:
“O you gods! Will he die?”
The response from Olympus: “Yes, he’ll.”

Byron Miller:

Social media’s such an ordeal;
It compels me to tweet how I feel.
Now I can’t sit alone
Without holding my phone
And I won’t face a book that is real.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ARGUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

The toilet roll’s really a wonder
When properly pulled from way under.
But John turned it around,
So it dropped to the ground,
And that is what tore us asunder.

Dave Johnson:

They went to a party last night
That led to a late-evening fight.
His wandering eyes
Earned a painful surprise:
“The couch!” as she reached for the light.

David Friedman:

Ann Marie argued daily with Joel,
Who would leave the seat up on the bowl.
Joel had to leave town
On the day Ann sat down
And got her ass wedged in the hole.

Judith H. Block:

The bistro had soft candle lighting.
Her smile was come-hither, inviting.
But her throat got a lump
When he praised Donald Trump,
And they ended up angry and fighting.

Jean McEwen:

Do you think I should marry my beau?
There are arguments — both con and pro.
He’s obnoxious and loud,
But he’s SO well endowed,
And it’s hard to resist all of that dough.

Dave Johnson:

They sometimes may quarrel at night;
Declaring who’s wrong and who’s right.
But then he will say
“Let’s just call it a day.”
He would much rather dicker than fight.

Margie Nairn:

I’m done with the Sunday talk shows
That feature political foes.
They will argue and spin
Over which one will win,
When the truth is that nobody knows.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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