Posts Tagged ‘Brian Allgar’

Limerick-Off Award (454)

Saturday, October 10th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ped’lling London, my good wife and I,
See the Queen’s Guard musicians march by.
They play “Strike Up The Band”
As we bike up The Strand
And we inwardly hear Spooner sigh.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GAME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow who liked to play chess
Put his hand up a pretty girl’s dress.
His ambitions were wrecked
When he found himself checked.
As for mate, he’d no chance of success.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Paul Haebig, Cyn, Konrad Schwoerke, Sharon Neeman, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BAND or BANNED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GAME-themed LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

Thought the card sharp, “A game of strip poker
Will quickly and surely uncloak her.”
But though cheating was banned,
She’d snuck into her hand
Enough aces to beat any joker.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BAND or BANNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An assembly of sharks is called “Shiver”;
And a cluster of cobras a “Quiver”;
Flocked flamingos a “Stand”;
Grouped gorillas a “Band.”
Chickens crossing the highway? “Chopped Liver.”

Tim James:

He’s infected (now, THAT was unplanned)
By the “hoax” that’s been sweeping the land.
Of my thoughts in this case
I’ll reveal not a trace
Lest by Madeleine Kane I get banned.

Brian Allgar:

We were dancing a slow sarabande
When she said: “Would you like one night-stand?”
What I got, though, from Mabel
Was one bedside table,
Which wasn’t quite what I had planned.

Paul Haebig:

The green room provisions this band
Requires are way out of hand:
– No green M&M’s
– Ninety roses (long stems)
– And an altar to worship Ayn Rand.

Cyn:

Unzipping his jeans, Sammy led
Saucy Sally to bed, where he said,
“Although Mom says it’s banned
If I use my own hand,
I figured we’d use yours instead.”

Tim James:

A moron blew seventy grand
On his hair. Doesn’t that beat the band!
As for taxes, evasion
Suits ev’ry occasion.
To primp and to skimp is his brand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said my doc, “Eggs and bacon are banned,
And eat nothing prepackaged or canned.
Avoid beer, wine, and malt,
Cut out sugar and salt.
Longer life? See how much you can stand.”

Brian Allgar:

“No mask, like the folk that elected me;
My strong constitution protected me.
But I’m sick, like they planned,
And my rallies are banned –
It musta been Biden infected me!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I have tried playing tournament Scrabble,
But I suck, so I now merely dabble
In building with piles
Of small lettered tiles—
Voilà!—it’s the Tower of Babel.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Great Game of Golf I shan’t mock,
And its cute dimpled ball I can’t knock,
All that junk in the bag
Is too heavy to drag,
And does nothing but spoil a good walk.

Sharon Neeman:

Wow! A double half twist! Look at that!
If I tried it myself, I’d go splat —
But she climbs ever higher,
Then slides down a wire…
The world is her game. She’s my cat.

Brian Allgar:

I was playing strip-poker one night
With a girl who had bet to the height
On four kings. Well, I knew
My four aces would do.
“I’ll see you”, I said. What a sight!

Kirk Miller:

When I asked a French woman if she
Enjoyed video games, I could see
Her beginning to smile.
She replied to me, “I’ll
Have to say that the answer is Wii.”

Dave Johnson:

Here’s a game that you might like to play:
Imagine you’re far, far away
One decade ago;
There’s an orderly flow.
And Trump hasn’t ruined your day.

Tim James:

He considered it all fun and games
As he cheated with multiple dames.
But the ladies found out
And they turned on the lout.
Now “Mud” is just one of his names.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (453)

Saturday, September 26th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

To the open-air church on my street,
Cautious cats come to prey and to eat.
From clean tables they’ll scrounge,
But on chairs they won’t lounge —
Not until they have sprayed every seat.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ADVICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Turn left – I have now told you twice!”
But he simply ignored her advice.
Moses knew he was right,
Led them on day and night …
Forty years in the desert, the price.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Cyn, Terry Marter, Michael Moulton, Tony Holmes, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ADVICE LIMERICKS)

Jean McEwen:

If you are determined to cheat
On your spouse, for god’s sake, be discreet.
When your conduct’s impure,
Make sure you secure
Your cell phone to shield your deceit.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A gal thought her life incomplete
’Cause her butt wasn’t pert or petite.
When her doc showed her pics
Of a possible fix,
She said, “Nice! Please reserve me this seat!”

Paul Haebig:

I’m glad that I kept the receipt.
That butcher’s a terrible cheat!
The label said “Beef,”
But I just found a leaf.
This meat was peeled off of the street!

Brian Allgar:

The lookalike actor was hired
To be ridiculed. Here’s what transpired:
Donald smirked. “Take a seat …”
Then he waited a beat
Before screaming “Obama, you’re fired!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I have warts; I have hair on my feet;
Yellow teeth, and a laugh like a bleat.
I have gaping gaposis
And niggling neurosis.
But something I DON’T have? Conceit.

Cyn:

A husband conceded defeat:
“I admit it,” said he, “I’ve been beat —
My wife’s many affairs
Are like musical chairs
With some other man taking my seat.”

Terry Marter:

There’s a church at the end of our street,
Where the Sunday “good” folk take their seat.
But OUR prayers are said,
As we lie in our bed,
Screaming “Oh-My-God” under the sheet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ADVICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Mike Moulton:

In the Twittersphere some just excuse
Trump’s corruption as seen on the news.
And ignoring his lies,
They seek to advise
Sen. Harris on her choosing her shoes.

Tony Holmes:

“My advice? Take the money and run.
Find some sunshine, relax and have fun.
Life is short, make it sweet;
Snatch a win from defeat,
And from now on make you number one!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ll dispense free advice to relieve
Any grumbler with gripes to aggrieve.
I’m quite gen’rous that way;
There’s no need to repay.
I say better to give than receive.

Lisi Nortman says:

A word to the wise may be nice.
But the truth (to be very precise)
Is they don’t need your views,
Cause to them it’s not news.
It’s the dumb ones who need your advice.

Tony Holmes, for his “Advice To A Young Bride.”

“He’ll get fresh – they all do. Make a din.
It’s a contest of wills – don’t give in!
He will claim it’s his right,
That you must – every night;
But hold out till he begs, and you win!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (452)

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A dude tried to show he had brass
When he mounted a burro. Alas!
He displayed ev’ry sign
That he’d had too much wine.
He fell down. He was drunk off his ass.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special DRIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Just keep driving like one of the crazies
In a movie of Martin Scorsese’s.
Excess speeding and drinking?
Bad business, I’m thinking.
Next parking spot? Under the daisies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WINE/WHINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A hiccup if muted is fine,
A belch you don’t hear is benign,
But let’s speak the truth,
A fart’s like vermouth–
An odorous, fortified whine.

Brian Allgar:

A warning to drinkers: red wine
Could blacken your toenails, like mine.
A whole case of Bordeaux
Got dropped on my toe!
(It was Chateau Margaux ’89.)

Jean McEwen:

Snobbish oenophiles tend to malign
Two Buck Chuck as inferior wine.
But I must disagree
’Cause it’s cheap, and to me
It’s as good as the ones they call “fine.”

Lisi Nortman:

My life has been working out fine.
My job is just simply divine.
The boss is real nice;
Always gives good advice.
It’s eight hours a day, nine to wine.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Are mere worker ants creatures divine?
Here’s one antic observed that’s a sign:
Back and forth they will traipse
Over vines to haul grapes
So both soldiers and queens can have wine.

Paul Haebig:

The tourist in Frankfurt am Main
said “Neun” when he should have said “Nein.”
So a half hour later
The puzzled young waiter
Returned with nine bottles of wine.

Tony Holmes:

“What to pair? That’s the beauty of wine;
An adventure whenever you dine.
I found hotdogs today,
So I thought, ‘Beaujolais!’”
“Hic! I’d rather have claret with mine.”

Bob Turvey:

When Policewoman Smith came to town,
To arrest handsome barrister Brown,
He took her to dine;
He plied her with wine;
Then he finally laid the law down.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

She used her sat-nav every day;
Each instruction she’d blindly obey.
But her drive was ill-fated;
The map was outdated –
The bridge had been taken away.

Tim James:

My son does one-ten on the flats.
He runs red lights and stop signs. His stats:
Seven tickets, two wrecks.
It’s had major effects:
Care to guess where he’s driving me? Bats.

Lisi Nortman says:

The Ferrari is driven with force.
It’s a car that most experts endorse.
Yet sometimes I ponder
The “great wild blue yonder”
And wonder what’s wrong with a horse.

Dave Johnson:

Our hazardous mission today
Might be a good reason to pray.
We’ll struggle and strive
With the will to survive
That freeway that runs through L.A.

Suzanne Heymann:

When some guy in a fast Lamborghini
Flirts with gals when they wear a bikini
And their eyes see the prize,
He just compensates (tries)
For the little wee size of his weenie.

Steve Benko:

Said Miss Daisy, “Let’s go somewhere, Hoke;
Take the wheel, for with me, we would croak.
When we get to the woods,
You’ll deliver the goods;
In the back come and give me a poke.”

Tim James:

From the back, as the dad drives the car,
Comes the whine: “Are we there yet? How far?”
Little Lisa screams: “See?
Tommy’s LOOKING AT ME!”
Says the mom: “Can we stop at that bar?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (451)

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I had chiggers. They started to bite
As they burrowed down deep, out of sight.
From my ankles to belt
I was one giant welt.
Was it itchy? Perhaps just a mite.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special CHILDREN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We are now on the way to Madrid;
Packed the sippy cups, each with a lid.
And the Bouncy Chair, swing,
“Sleep-Time Cuddlies” that sing…
But we seem to have misplaced the kid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, and Wayne Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGHT or SITE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

The director called, “Wrap!” for the night.
Then discovered the scene wasn’t right.
We all groaned. We were dead.
He took pity and said,
“Get some sleep, then we’ll shoot it on site.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Chocolate cake is a heavenly sight,
And with me, always love at first bite.
But the calorie hounds
Say I’ve gone out of bounds,
As I’ve gained seven pounds overnight.

Brian Allgar:

They adored him, it couldn’t be clearer;
All those fans, not one mocker or sneerer!
Donald grinned with delight;
The line stretched out of sight
In his perfect infinity mirror.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

His advice was the fatherly kind:
“Son, don’t marry the first girl you find.
For when love at first sight
Starts to fade overnight,
In the end it goes legally blind.”

Tim James:

Said a fellow whose future looked bright
When he bought a car showroom one night:
“Selling Edsels, I know,
Will bring decades of dough!”
Now a Burger King stands on the site.

Kirk Miller:

The baboon met one night on a date
The gorilla his dreams. It was great!
He went ape at her sight
’Cause he knew that she might
Be the one he would call his prime mate.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

He sobbed with a pain so exquisite,
That the Martian Mom said, “Son, what is it?”
“On the Beamer last night
From Earth’s Lunatic Site —
The Trumps said they’re coming to visit!”

Dave Johnson:

He went to a strip club that night;
Some fantasies yearning for flight.
Then down by the front,
Putting cash in the hunt;
With hind his preferred kind of sight.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“All you fireworks people will pay!”
Bellowed Trump at the end of the day.
“My great name — what a sight! —
In the heavens at night.
So, which dumbass forgot ‘Donald J’?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHILDREN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“Little children?” said W. C.
“Quite delightful, if you’re asking me.
But they must be well-cooked –
This can’t be overlooked;
And, on average, my limit is three.”

Jean McEwen:

You may think me a bitter old crone,
But my views about kids are well known:
From the poop to the croup
And through every age group,
I can’t stand them till after they’re grown.

Wayne Feder:

Remember, while home on this break,
That children are easy to make.
So it’s wise to go slow;
Or to even forgo.
Quite often they’re made by mistake.

Dave Johnson:

We’re stuck with a child who’s a brat;
He’s constantly stoking a spat.
One day we’ll be rid
Of this horrible kid;
And thanking Joe Biden for that.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (448)

Saturday, July 18th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.

Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)

Richard Campbell:

The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)

Roger Haugen:

“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.

Brian Allgar:

“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.

Tony Holmes:

“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?

Lisi Nortman:

I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.

Kirk Miller:

He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.

Suzanne Heymann:

There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”

Wayne Feder:

Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.

Tim James:

A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”

Jean McEwen:

Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.

Kirk Miller:

An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.

Dave Johnson:

“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…

Tim James:

As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (447)

Saturday, July 4th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Assuming the posture of lotus,
Buddha lifted his voice to give notice:
“You may chant on this knoll
If it pleases your soul —
But you’re gone if your mantra is ‘POTUS.’”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WEAPON-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Lizzy, “I’m grabbing an axe,
And my mother I’ll give 40 whacks.
Though that may seem uncouth,
I’ve discovered the truth:
She writes checks to Republican PACs.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Elaine Person, Janice Power, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SOLE/SOUL” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Asked the sage of his student: “Young soul,
How is Donald J. Trump like a mole?”
Well, the boy was wise too
And his answer was true:
“Both their heads are lodged deep in a hole.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Though your homophones, Oscar, are droll,”
Mused Richard, “this piece on the whole…
Well, I like ti with bread,
But a note ‘pulling thread’?
Any chance you might brighten up sol?”

Elaine Person:

I just met a cool man named Cole,
Who played his guitar with great soul.
He asked, “Do you play?”
I replied, “In what way?”
For I had a non-music goal.

Tim James:

Many years from now, Trump bares his soul:
“I regret that I lost all control.
I renounce my bad acts!”
But it’s time to face facts:
There’s no WAY that he’s making parole.

Janice Power:

Making devil’s food cake was her goal;
On her fate, though, it took quite a toll.
For this offer she took
From the demon’s cookbook:
“For my recipe, sell me your soul.”

Brian Allgar:

The fish swam around in a shoal.
God was angry, and told them: “Your role
Should be worshipping Me!”
They said: “As you can see,
We’re sardines, and we don’t have a sole.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Three fiddlers who knew Old King Cole,
Scoffed, “THIS guy? A merry old soul?
You should see what an ass
He can be without grass,
So we fill up his pipe and his bowl.”

Brian Allgar:

Since “God’s Chosen One” is his role,
Well, of course Donald Trump has “a soul.”
But there’s one little twist:
Theologians insist
That it should be pronounced as “asshole.”

Dave Johnson:

Some researchers have a new goal:
Determine if Trump has a soul.
One summed it up best:
“It’s an arduous quest;
We’re combing a bottomless hole.”

Tony Holmes:

In denial, Dad spurned self-control,
And repeatedly loaded his bowl;
But it wasn’t the fries
That secured his demise,
But a hook that was left in the sole.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEAPONS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

There’s a reason I’ve no wish to trifle
With the likes of a pistol or rifle:
My aim’s more impressive
When passive-aggressive.
(More conspicuous urges, I stifle.)

Steve Benko:

Said Oog, “Me go hunt now with spear.”
But his wife said, “You full of lies, dear.
What you call ‘business trip’
Is excuse; I am hip
To what means your Neanderthal leer.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (446)

Saturday, June 20th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his funny limerick, inspired by this news item: “NYC Health Dept. urges New Yorkers to consider wearing face masks during sex.”

Social distancing leads me to drink;
Into boredom and torpor I sink.
“Take advantage,” they say,
“Of the new games to play!”
A masked ball, though, just isn’t my kink.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Special PUNCTUATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tell me: Why must there be so much drama
Regarding the use of a comma
Instead of a period?
Yee gads! The myriad
Rules give me scholarly trauma.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Wayne Feder Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SINK/SYNC” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

How low can the President sink?
Is there nothing from which he will shrink?
All his statements are lies;
That includes (no surprise!)
Any sentence beginning “I think …”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My machines grow increasingly clever,
Well equipped for most any endeavor.
Some will talk, some just think —
Either way, they’re in sync,
And have no use for me whatsoever.

Tim James:

His boat is now deep in the drink.
How’d it happen? He started to link
The computer on board
With his cell phone. “Good lord!”
He cried out as he watched the boat sync.

Wayne Feder:

Four years will pass by in a wink,
Then Don will have more time to think.
My guess, five to ten,
In a six by eight pen,
With just a commode and a sink.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, on Synchronized Swimming:

I felt so dejected and blue
After reading “The Swimming Review.”
Seems one swimmer “in sync”
Sadly drowned from a drink,
So the other ones had to drown too.

Steve Whitred:

My fridge is beginning to stink
And potatoes grow under the sink.
The grass is as high
As a field full of rye,
But I’ll watch one more ‘Ozark’ I think.

Will T. Laughlin:

The name of the band was N’Sync.
I tried them, to see what I’d think,
But I soon had enough
Of such juvenile stuff…
They should call them N’Toilet. They stink.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNCTUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Punctuation in Spanish is cool.
“Put the marks at the start” is the rule.
“Turn them upside-down” too.
¿Es verdad? Is that true?
¡Por supuesto! Of course! I’m no fool!

Tony Holmes:

You can make a good point with a dash;
Gives your writing that something – panache!
But beware of abuse –
Be judicious in use –
Thus avoiding dismissal as “Brash!”

Lisi Nortman:

The Kanes took a walk in the park.
Mad shrieked, “Wow! that dog sure can bark!”
Hubby said, “It’s a deer.
You are wrong. Can’t you hear?”
(Mad knows she should not question Mark.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Semicolons, I think, are intended
For a thought, if it’s split, to be mended.
But I must say “Amen!”
To the semi paren
(Which keeps discourse like this open-ended

Ken Gosse:

A persnickety writer once wrote
Punctuation should help to connote
And to clarify meaning,
Requiring preening
That’s used to enlighten, not smote.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

John painted a beautiful mural,
Depicting a scene that is rural.
It is called “Country View’s.”
But why’d this fool use
An apostrophe right in a plural?

Tim James:

The apostrophes often abused;
Lot’s of people dont know how its used.
They cant grasp, though they try,
All the rule’s that apply.
There are time’s even I get confused.

Fred Bortz:

I’m writing a note to Obama
Asking how to resist all the drama
That comes from Trump’s tweeting,
Protesting, and bleating.
I’ve begun “Dear Barack” and a comma.

Now I’m wondering, as I get rollin’,
Does “Barack” make it sound like I’m trollin’?
It’s clearly not normal
To be so informal.
I’ll start with “Dear Sir” and a colon.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (445)

Saturday, June 6th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

As her dance reached its physical peak,
Her kid brother called out this critique:
“Swing your butt side to side
In an arc high and wide!”
Yes, the twerp thinks her twerk needs a tweak.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special RUDENESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

While tending a gardening chore,
A T-shirt is all that he wore.
His bent-over stance
Drew a passerby’s glance;
An asshole she tried to ignore.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Wayne Feder, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RUDENESS LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

There’s a woman in Queens, have you guessed?
Puts our limerick skills to the test.
If at her you feel pique
Or the urge to critique,
Just remember she’s doing her best.

So don’t gripe, grumble, grouse, and don’t brood.
Don’t be churlish, self-centered, or rude.
I must say this because
We all love what she does
And don’t like when her good work is booed.

Sharon Neeman:

As the lockdown relaxes this week,
My gray hair’s sticking up in a peak,
All my frocks are too tight,
My complexion’s a fright,
And I haven’t a shred of mystique.

It’s all true, I admit it — but, dude,
Did you honestly buy me a snood?
And what’s THIS thing — a sack?
That’s no dress! Take it back…
No, you KNOW what? Go pack! You’re too rude!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

“Kiss my ass!” Peter shrieked in fake pique.
So obligingly, Mel, who is meek.
Felt compelled to submit
And to lick it a bit–
Unaware it was all “tongue in cheek.”

Steve Whitred:

Well, I once had a fling with a freak,
And her fetish was fairly unique;
She was awesome in bed,
But what filled me with dread
Was when Polly her parrot would peek.

Cuz, not only did Pollyanne peek,
But my paramour taught her to speak.
She’d say “Squack!” And “Oh blast
Don’t you want this to last?”
And, “I’m not touching that with my beak!”

Lisi Nortman:

On our drive, things were suddenly bleak.
I started to shake and felt weak,
Cuz we noticed a sign
That said, “Crafts By Design,”
Then heard, “Honey, let’s take a quick peek.”

Dave Johnson:

Pelosi unleashed a critique;
That Trump was just wimpy and weak.
On Twitter she found
That her message was sound;
She’d climbed to the top of his pique.

Tim James:

I’m a Luddite, a lazy old chap.
High-tech smart phones? I don’t give a rap.
But my int’rest would peak
If some talented geek
Wrote a program to download a nap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Grab a Bible, a church, and a cop,
And a camouflage outfit — chop-chop!”
When they heard Kushner speak —
His excitement at peak —
They all knew that it meant Photo Op!

Will T. Laughlin:

From his bunker, King Trump risks a peek…
Then utters a terrified shriek:
“The election’s suspended!
Democracy’s ended!
I just saw a PROTESTOR! Eeek!!”

Brian Allgar:

Donald’s mood is far worse than mere pique;
He’s so angry, he barely can speak.
“I rely on Fox guys
To support all my lies,
But they said something TRUTHFUL this week!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDENESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

My life is much better, I find,
If I’m courteous, thoughtful and kind.
You, who label me rude:
Shove your dumb attitude
Up your BIG STUPID STINKY BEHIND.

Brian Allgar:

I’d invited a girl home to “play,”
And it should have been my lucky day.
She was nude, she was rude,
But she never got screwed,
Since I had to stay six feet away.

Tim James:

“Open up!” screams the mob, right on cue,
And they really don’t care whom they screw.
They’re aggressive and rude
’Cause they want sit-down food
Plus a haircut, massage, and tattoo.

Wayne Feder:

When Trump’s at the journalists’ throats,
Or getting the med experts’ goats,
Is his rudeness the work
Of a maniacal jerk?
Or is Donald just sowing his oats?

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said the Judge, “You’re an impudent floozy —
A churlish, impertinent doozy!”
“Do go on,” said the wench
While she stood at the bench.
“As compliments go, I ain’t choosy.”

Tony Holmes:

“Quite apart from the fact that you’re crude,
That your speech is with expletives strewed,
What has irked me the most
Is contempt for our host,
And cavorting around in the nude!”

Dave Johnson:

Alexa’s new skill will include
An effort to lighten the mood:
Proclaiming her stress
With the buttons you press;
“Don’t touch me there – you are so rude!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Off with their heads!” screamed the Queen.
Cried Alice, “That’s mean and obscene!”
“No, it’s not — it’s just rude,
’Cause I’m in a bad mood.
You should see what gets lopped when I’m mean.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (444)

Saturday, May 9th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
Showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
Under masks when outside,
If I say ‘Stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special CHALLENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred;
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
’Cause the player’s as good as his word.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump;
An aerial tryst then and there.

Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event,
Unfolding above the terrain.

The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Will T. Laughlin, Patrice Stewart, Steven Frakt, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Daisy Hyrkas. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHALLENGES LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME DIVISION)

Steve Whitred:

In Canada people are smart;
Public health measures taken to heart,
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart.”

Brian Allgar:

Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My owner and I used to nuzzle,
But not any more, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed,
Then I broke down and cried…
And also he’s stolen my muzzle.

Will T. Laughlin:

“War President!” Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.

Patrice Stewart:

’Twas a challenge to turn on her side,
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.

Steve Frakt:

The sad chicken just sat there and cried;
Couldn’t cross to the road’s other side.
Though this tale may evoke
The world’s oldest joke,
That highway was just too damn wide.

Tim James:

If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide.)
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
Gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait – that’s too kind,
So if you don’t mind,
Let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.

Steve Whitred:

On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave.
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side…
But that maskless taboo is her fave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHALLENGES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.

Sharon Neeman:

Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff.
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say,
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
Involve wearing masks,
We can flaunt all we want incognito!

Will T. Laughlin:

From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The challenge is how to stay fit;
My muscle tone’s taken a hit.
I lay in my bed
And remain in my head.
In other words, I don’t do shit.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (443)

Saturday, April 25th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

After thinking about it, I choose
To accept that Corona’s no ruse.
Why is that? I’ll explain:
I’ve a functioning brain.
Right-wing refuse I firmly refuse.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special PLAN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The romantic encounter he’d planned
Turned out to be way less than grand.
As things went awry,
He was left with “Goodbye…”
Along with “Hello Mr. Hand.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Wayne Feder, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FUSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PLAN LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“To ensure my election success,
There’s a thing that I plan to suppress –
Postal voting! I’d lose,
So I’m gonna refuse
Any bailout for USPS.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m planning a dinner,” said she;
“How very delightful!” said we,
“But the rules in the news
Say we have to refuse…”
“No,” she shrugged, “it’s just ramen, for me.”

Steve Whitred:

What a mystery needs is some clues,
And what dynamite needs is a fuse.
Coming later this Fall,
For the sake of us all:
What the GOP needs is to lose.

Susan Settje:

Gone are days when the only fake news
Was in tabloids and meant to amuse;
When Cronkite and Rather
Didn’t simper or blather
Or tell lies that are meant to confuse.

Wayne Feder:

Some folks are just learning the news
That Trump has a very short fuse.
It shouldn’t surprise;
Just look at the size
Of his hands and his very small shoes.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Another acrostic? Admit:
When it comes to this task, you’re unfit.
For your own good, refuse,”
Uttered one honest Muse.
Look, you’re bad at this, REALLY. Now quit.”

Jean McEwen:

Several months ago, Carnival Cruise
Had a deal that we couldn’t refuse.
But I fear the damn virus
Will, sadly, require us
To bail (and fend off those “ah-choos.”)

Steve Whitred:

Told the barkeep some humorous news,
And she listened; she couldn’t refuse.
But instead of applause
Giggles, grins, or guffaws,
All I got from the barmaid was booze.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PLAN LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Shardlow:

From a Potus who rates himself ‘great,’
This plan ought to carry some weight:
For Covid infection,
A Clorox injection.
Make sure that his jacket is ‘strait.’

Sharon Neeman:

On “Dancing with Stars” Jim had fans,
But an accident ruined his plans.
Hearing “Rrrrrrip!” in the final,
He found his tights (vinyl)
Were really his dance partner Ann’s.

Steve Whitred:

“For the people”, Ms. Harris began,
And Ms. Warren said “I have a plan.”
Amy Klobs made a plea,
But what scuttled all three
Was that none of these gals is a man.

Tim James:

He had planned on a cruise, the poor schlub.
Then the virus came. Ay, there’s the rub.
He is now quite bereft.
There’s but one option left:
That’s to play with toy boats in the tub.

Roger Haugen:

While thinking deep thoughts on the can,
He delivered himself of a plan:
He’d leave his old wife
To start a new life
And indulge in his yen for Japan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Here is something to do when depressed:
Make nice plans, so you won’t feel distressed.
But remember, my friend,
I do recommend
That at some point, you need to get dressed.

Tim James, for his “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.”

When my limerick effort began —
On this man, the canal, and his plan —
I emitted a curse
While constructing the verse:
That damn palindrome just wouldn’t scan.

Tim Gray:

If you think that you can’t, you are right.
Of this fact you must never lose sight.
The obvious plan
Is to think that you can,
And the chances increase that you might.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (442)

Saturday, April 11th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Social distancing now is my thing.
I’ve a mask I secure with a string.
But until there’s a cure,
With my hands I’m unsure:
Should I sanitize, wash, or just wring?

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special FEAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Fearful rabbis declare we’ll be dead
If we celebrate Pesach with bread.
I say: “God has more sense
(Well, He must; He’s not Pence…);
Can He kill superstition instead?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Susan Settje, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Thomas Vincent, Tony Holmes, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Dale S. Biggs, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RING/WRING” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FEAR LIMERICKS)

Susan Settje:

We know Stoker and Lovecraft and King.
We’ve seen Jackson and Poe do their thing.
Lock the door, dim the light,
And prepare for a fright,
For ev’ry last quiver they’ll wring.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Shouted Thal, “I’ve invented the ring!”
Said Neander, “Go hide that damn thing.
Chiseled rocks with round holes —
What if one of them rolls?
Thal, I fear what the future will bring!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RING/WRING” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A boxer with insight to spare
Fought a bout, then was heard to declare:
“It’s a curious thing.
We all call this a ‘ring’ —
So why is it shaped like a square?”

David Reddekopp:

There once was a man from Quebec,
Who proposed to his girl on the deck.
What he brought, for the bling,
Was a cheap plastic ring,
So the girl started wringing his neck.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The mini-bar’s stocked with libation;
The fluffed pillows suggest hibernation;
There’s a bell I can ring
Should I need anything.
Who will answer? Just me on staycation.

Thomas Vincent:

Said a wizened prize fighter named Bing,
“You can cover your body with bling.
But it won’t change a thing,
If you ain’t got no swing;
They’ll be carting you out of the ring.”

Tony Holmes:

My new girl is an old-fashioned thing
And as such, is averse to a fling.
She will kiss – and we pet,
But no nookie: “Not yet!
If you want me, just give me a ring.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A loud voice to the chorus he’ll bring,
But his notes have a flat, hollow ring:
“Dough dough dough!” – out they roll,
“Me me me!” — but where’s soul?
So I tune out when Trump starts to sing.

Tim James:

A soprano, a devious thing,
Was a part of a criminal ring.
She got busted, but knew
How to rat out her crew;
So when questioned, she started to sing.

Roger Haugen:

They conducted a passionate fling
That lasted through most of the Spring;
“I’m pregnant,” she cried,
He laughed and replied,
“I suppose you’re expecting a ring?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FEAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“I’m pregnant! I’m frightened to tell
My old man – he’ll be angry as hell!”
“Just lie to the guy –
Say an angel stopped by,
And some Heavenly Spirit as well.”

Dale S. Biggs:

Said a priest to his flock, “Never fear…
For to God you are precious and dear.
Though a pain in the ass,
COVID-19 will pass–
With assistance from pizza and beer.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Now folks, let me say something brief
’Bout my honest and solid belief:
Let your fright disappear;
There is nothing to fear…
(Except the “Commander-In-Chief.”)

Brian Allgar:

Am I writing a foul villanelle? No!
A pantoum or a French kyrielle? No!
These forms simply suck;
Compared to such muck,
Do limericks frighten me? Hell, no!

Dave Johnson:

It has now become perfectly clear
That our nation has plenty to fear.
To fuel our demise,
Trump incessantly lies
While nitwit Repugnicans cheer.

David Reddekopp:

With a bellow that sounds insincere
Says the Prez: “Lo, the Donald is here!
With the brains that I bring
I will fix everything!”
Mr. Trump, that is what we all fear.

Steve Whitred:

In those horror films, girls are dispatched,
But I’ve never thought I would get snatched,
Cuz their endings get met
In a lingerie set,
Whereas none of my underwear’s matched.

Steve Benko:

Until now, I quite happily paid
When the need would arise to get laid.
With protection, the risk
Was just slipping a disc,
But mere breathing now makes me afraid.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (441)

Saturday, March 28th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Just the thought of my girlfriend’s name, Iris,
Freaks me out in this time of the virus.
I know it’s not fair,
But I’m filled with despair,
And of Iris, no longer desirous.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special SCAM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“We must cut Covid numbers by half!”
Warned the head of Trump’s Re-elect Staff.
“Just give me a minute,”
Said Donald. “I’ll spin it–
Now hand me that Sharpie and graph.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Steve Whitred, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FAIR or FARE or AFFAIR” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

His blind date was an awkward affair.
They had said, “She has brains; she has flair
And, by God, can she sing!”
The unfortunate thing:
She looked much more like Sonny than Cher.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Got a dog for my wife at “Town Square.”
It’s a dachshund with black and white hair.
He sits and he stays
And always obeys.
I must say that the trade was quite fair.

Dave Johnson:

The film was a sexy affair;
It’s actors were chosen with care.
But one would resist
As she tried to insist
Her partner was too hard to bare.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Life was more than Rapunzel could bear.
From her tower she cried, “It’s not fair!
I’m expecting the Prince,
But I’ve run out of rinse,
And I can’t do a thing with my hair!”

Tim James:

Debussy wrote a piece called “La Mer”
(Which is French for “The Sea,” if you care.)
When I first heard it played,
The impression it made
Was so real that I tossed that night’s fare.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCAM LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

First he swore we would have a great time,
But he fleeced me of every last dime.
Then I found I was sick —
Not just COVID, but tick-
Borne disease… yes, Corona with Lyme.

Brian Allgar:

I was broke till last summer, but since,
I’ve grown rich. Here’s a couple of hints
For a scheme that can’t fail:
Offer money by mail,
And pretend you’re an African prince.

Tim James:

Charles Ponzi let pyramids crash.
Michael Milken sold bonds that were trash.
S&L mogul Keating
Got busted for cheating,
And Bernie Madoff with the cash.

Steve Whitred:

Blah, blah, blah, [insert word salad here.]
Blah, blah, blah, you have nothing to fear.
It’s a scam. It’s a hoax.
Let’s get back to work folks.
Kiss your Granny while you can still see ’er.

Steve Benko:

When I heard of Nigerian oil,
It sounded according to Hoyle.
Turns out I got fleeced,
But when mad I’m a beast;
As a hit man I’ve hired a mohel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (440)

Saturday, March 14th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Stephen Whitred:

Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.

Suzanne Heymann:

Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.

Dave Johnson:

She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.

Steven Frakt:

A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.

Thomas Vincent:

Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.

Delano Britt:

There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.

Fred Bortz:

A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.

Tim James:

When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Jean McEwen:

As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.

Ken Gosse:

A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”

Brian Allgar:

I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (339)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”

Tim James:

She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Beri Caram:

I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”

Tony Holmes:

If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.

Brian Allgar:

My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.

Steve Whitred:

There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.

Tim James:

An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”

Diane Groothuis:

A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.

Suzanne Heymann:

A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (338)

Sunday, February 16th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The Old Mariner cried, “What the heck?!
With an albatross (dead) I must trek?!
Can’t I just drag a chain
To display your disdain —
Not this smelly old pain in the neck?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special STRING-INSTRUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In the mountains, this small, remote nook
Is delightful, with woods, birds, and brook.
And the air is so clear!
Hold on, what’s that I hear?
A guitar and a banjo? Let’s book!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Beri Caram, Suzanne Heymann, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Andrew Sprung, Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I had gotten my gal a gold chain
For a bracelet. She said with disdain:
“You’re a jerk; that I knew.
It turns out you’re cheap too!”
All this fuss for a tiny green stain!

Daisy Hyrkas:

I wove many a fine daisy chain
And danced without clothes in the rain.
You bet your sweet bippy
I once was a hippie,
But the pendulum swung right again.

Tanja Cilia:

Yarn-writers spin epics in vain.
Each saga, they link in a chain.
But real life zooms so fast,
They’re not destined to last;
In the end, just flash fiction will reign.

Brian Allgar: (Aftermath of Trump’s impeachment)

In a show that surpassed the Third Reich’s,
Traitors’ heads were impaled upon spikes.
They’d been hanged with a chain
On the White House terrain,
Live on Facebook, with millions of ‘likes.’

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The foreboding chain letter was plain:
“Send this on, or you’ll suffer great pain.”
So I covered my ass,
Sent out letters en masse,
And let somebody else break the chain.

Jean McEwen:

Will we ever find out the full chain
Of events that led up to Ukraine?
(Trump’s corruption, that is…)
I doubt it, ’cause his
Is one grand feat of legerdemain.

Beri Caram:

Who knows who is nutty or sane?
One wonders and thinks, all in vain.
Your “brisk” is my “lazy.”
My “sane” is your “crazy.”
Oh please, won’t you undo my chain?

Suzanne Heymann:

The cop asked the drunk in the rain,
“Where to? It’s past midnight! Explain!”
“To a lecture; can’t wait!”
“Who gives lectures this late?”
“Just my wife, sir, the great ball and chain.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (STRING INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

I’ve been tutored to toot the kazoo.
My tunes and my rhythms are true.
But I can’t play a thing
On a musical string.
Yes I fret that I don’t have a clue.

Tim James:

Many gals in the orchestra face
An attempt by a guy (a disgrace)
To do sexual things
With the “babes” in the strings —
Though he still hasn’t got to first bass.

Brian Allgar:

She always made love with her fellow
As though she were playing the cello.
When she gripped with her knees,
So hard did she squeeze
That he gave an unmusical bellow.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

On the “practice test,” I have reviewed
All the answers, so I could conclude
That a hat’s to a head
Like a sheet’s to a bed
And the banjo’s like Spam is to food.

Brian Allgar:

I’ve lost count of the horrible things
That McConnell, Trump’s instrument, brings.
But let’s not forget
He’s a marionette –
It is Donald who’s pulling the strings.

Andrew Sprung:

A virgin violist named Vera
Fretted opening night, taut with terruh.
“If I whinny or whine
When my beau’s strings touch mine,
Then the whole world will hear of my erruh!”

Byron Miller:

String ensembles are musically mellow;
I’m a center front row type of fellow.
I’m also a flirt
And may peek up the skirt
Of the woman who’s playing the cello.

Dave Johnson:

With the lush tones her instrument brings,
She’s playing some beautiful things.
But finding a place
For a harpist to base?
She just might have to pull a few strings.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (337)

Saturday, February 1st, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ray’s vineyard has gotten much praise,
Although wine’s not produced there these days;
A sweet treat’s all the craze,
Eaten so many ways,
As Ray’s raisins are raised by sun’s rays.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

As a girl she had studied ballet,
And she practiced her moves ev’ry day.
As she bent to that task,
Other children would ask:
“Can Anna come out and plié?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, William Preston, Sharon Neeman, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Daisy Hyrkas, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DANCE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

When we’re dancing, her eyes tend to glaze,
And I bask in their soft, dreamy rays –
Till I tread on her toes!
Then the swearwords she knows
Would outclass all the oaths in Roget’s.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RAISE or RAYS or RAZE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

On Twitter Real Don would repeat
Nasty words he picked up on the street;
He’d use them to raze
Reputations, most days,
Then most nights beat a hasty retweet.

William Preston:

Though the sun and the moon have their rays,
One works nights, and the other works days.
Said the sun to the moon,
“Now, don’t set in a swoon,
But your rays are just merely a phase.”

Brian Allgar:

Once again, I am utterly pissed
By the rhyme-words that “Rhyme Word” has missed.
Disbelieving, I gaze
At the entries for ‘raise,’
But ‘erase’ can’t be found in their list.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the poker joint’s no-smoke these days,
It once reeked of old cigarette haze —
Till the day that Big Mabel
Tipped over the table
And cried, “I can’t see; I won’t raise!”

Byron Miller:

It’s regrettable we’ve had to raze
All your cities to naught but a haze,
But Commander-in-Chief
Loves his burgers of beef
And the cattle need grassland to graze.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My surgeon I’m happy to praise;
He is brilliant in so many ways.
His name’s “Doc Lapoint.”
He replaced my sore joint
And deserves lots of Hip Hip Hoo Rays!

Tony Holmes:

When a winsome young ewe takes his eye,
Farmer Grout isn’t one to be shy.
By the Moon’s eerie rays,
In the old-fashioned ways,
He romances the ‘lass’ on the sly.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DANCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

The bar on the corner was grand;
You could dance to a real decent band —
Till the barmaid, no sport,
Took the owner to court
For misuse of a too-frisky hand.

Lisi Nortman, for her Hokey Pokey:

First the right foot went in and then out.
At our parties, the kids had no doubt
That the left foot was next —
Never made us perplexed,
And that’s what it all was about.

Daisy Hyrkas:

I stood on the edge of the chair,
Gave a kick and I danced in mid-air.
As I struggled and fought,
An irrelevant thought:
There’s hair on my legs. I need Nair.

Roger Haugen:

Embraced in a slow sexy dance,
She slid her warm hand down his pants;
The cannon was loaded
And promptly exploded–
So much for a one-shot romance.

Lisi Nortman:

When you dance, you must stay with the beat.
It’s the rhythm that makes it so sweet:
It’s “a one an a two,”
Really easy to do,
And sort of like lim’riks for feet.

Dave Johnson:

Some people, convinced they can dance,
Are nothing but preening and prance.
Their singular flair:
Waving hands in the air;
As bad as Sean Spicer? No chance!

Fred Bortz:

He argues as if we are twits.
His dance tears all reason to bits.
His Twist and his Mash
Transform logic to hash,
So we call it the Dersho-half-witz.

Brian Allgar:

She can do an incredible tango,
And wait till you see her fandango!
All this, if you please,
While she grips with her knees
An enormously fat, juicy mango.

Tony Holmes:

“If we dance in the old-fashioned way,
I might mount an unwelcome display.
Should you happen to feel
What I fail to conceal,
And you find it distracting, please say.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (335)

Saturday, January 4th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said the poet, “My limericks veer
Towards the nasty and smutty, I fear.”
Upon saying this, he
Grinned lasciviously.
That’s the reason he’s called Edward Leer.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special SNOW-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You can say what you like about snow,
Like, “Oh, Bugger!” and “Pack up and go!”
You can shout yourself hoarse.
It ignores you, of course.
Were I you, I’d just go with the floe.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Shaneka Antwanette Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOW LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

The weather outside – so severe;
With snow piling up far and near.
But lovers aglow
By the fireplace know
That a heat wave is imminent here.

Brian Allgar:

“Them scientists? Listen up, folks –
They’re eggheads who don’t have no yolks.
The cold is severe,
It’s snowing right here,
And that proves global warming’s a hoax.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ve written the “Song Of The Year.”
(Wasn’t easy; one must persevere.)
It’s a cute little ditty
And also quite witty:
“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Just Not Here.”

Sue Dulley:

Dear Mad: Though I still persevere,
My muse has now left me, I fear.
Where I once was snowed under
With rhymes, now I wonder:
What caused that sweet snow storm to clear?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

Cried Sisyphus, “I’ll persevere!
I’ll inch this rock higher, don’t fear!
But then I must stop,
For if I reach the top,
What the hell will I do all next year?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for this Acrostic Limerick:

A vehicle sometimes will veer
Left or right, when you don’t even steer!
It might well get you scared.
Go and have it repaired;
Now it’s safer. Get back into gear.

Tim James:

Here in Camelot, Queen Guinevere
Has discovered some boils on her rear.
In our kingdom, we’ve found,
Splendid doctors abound.
They’ve been using the lance a lot here.

Jean McEwen:

In my limericks, often, I’ll veer
From one line to the next, making sheer
Nonsense verse — which, though terse,
Gets more dopey and worse
By the line. (I am no Edward Lear.)

Suzanne Heymann:

It’s sometimes quite hard to revere
A priest who administers fear
And who’s almost controlled
All the sheep; the blind fold
Who believe he’s their shepherd, so dear.

Tim James:

Said the trollop to Mrs. Revere,
“Paul’s out shouting to all, far and near.
The resistance is humming:
‘The British are coming!’
That’s true; I’ve been bedding them, dear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Alone in his garret all year,
Van Gogh from his canvas might veer
To his one lonely chair,
Where he’d say to the air:
“Is there no one who’ll lend me an ear?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOW LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The village is dusted with snow.
It emits a quaint holiday glow.
Such sights can deceive;
It is now Christmas Eve,
And Santa is jacked up on blow.

Tanja Cilia:

When the heavens are sending us snow,
Which turns the earth white down below,
I retreat to my cave.
I’m not one to be brave;
When the sun comes back out, let me know.

Jean McEwen:

Don’t be snowed! Does it not seem suspicious
When Kellogg’s proclaims they’re “nutritious?”
Frosted Flakes just won’t fuel
You like mom’s oatmeal gruel.
(Though they taste, I’ll admit, more delicious.)

Lisi Nortman:

To snowboard is terribly tough;
As you slide, it is slipp’ry and rough.
’Twas invented by jerks
With very strange quirks
Who feel skiing’s not lethal enough.

Tony Holmes:

Politicians and weathermen sin!
They can lie through their teeth and still grin.
They will tell us: “Black’s white,”
“There’ll be no snow tonight.”
And whatever the outcome, they’ll spin.

Lisi Nortman, who tells us that her acrostic limerick was inspired by Robert Frost’s
“A Patch Of Old Snow.”

From a distance, I looked down below,
Reflecting on times long ago.
Over hills, near a brook,
Spots of grime overtook
The beauty of winter’s lush snow.

Shaneka Antwanette Murphy:

My kids want another snow day,
But this surely will NOT be okay;
On snow you may trip
And fracture your hip.
So I said to them, “There-is-snow-way!”

Tim James:

I heard Frosty the Snowman assert
He was tough and he couldn’t be hurt.
When I kicked him “down there”
His loud scream rent the air.
Who says snowballs are hard and inert?

Dave Johnson:

It’s snowing again – what a treat;
Then it melts in the afternoon heat.
And day after day,
It’s always this way.
(This dreamworld of mine can’t be beat!)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (334)

Saturday, December 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse, which is both a pool-rhymed and press-themed limerick:

Narcissus would hotly refuse
Every fact that disputed his views;
When his mirror-like pool
Showed a puffed-up old fool,
He bellowed in anger, “Fake news!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Press-Themed Limerick Award for this funny verse, which is also a pool-rhymed limerick:

“Those reporters,” said Trump with a frown
“Are the worst bunch of traitors in town.
They call ’em a ‘pool?’
Well, let each lying fool
Take a dive in the deep end and drown.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Daisy Hyrkas, Tim James, Jesse Levy, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Michael D. Blum, Larz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Michael Moulton, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“POOL” RHYME DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

I employ my épée as a tool
As we fence at the edge of the pool.
If I happen to sway,
We do water ballet,
As we jointly perform pas de duel.

Tim James:

A fellow, obsessed shooting pool,
Ended up doing something uncool.
He’s now known as the man
Who was late to the can.
Mind your pees and your cues ― that’s the rule!

Jesse Levy:

I once was proficient at pool,
And I thought I was pretty darn cool.
But I then played a “Felson,”
Who said to me “Well, son,
I think I just took you to school.”

Jean McEwen:

At my health club, they’ve posted a rule:
“Please don’t drool, spit, or pee in the pool.”
Yet, it seems there’s no stopping
Some members from plopping
Down huge putrid hunks of brown stool!

Dave Johnson:

Before they would head to the pool,
His wife had established a rule.
“I know you will spy
Every girl walking by;
No sighing and try not to drool.”

Tony Holmes:

It is best when at rest by the pool,
To lie prone, thereby trapping your tool.
With your manhood safe housed,
Should your ardour be roused,
There’ll be no telling tales out of school.

Michael D Blum:

He threw his genes into the pool
By using his wee little tool.
We know him as Trump,
That despicable grump;
Every offspring of his is a fool.

Larz, for his two-verse limerick:

The daring young babes at the pool
Love sporting their suits miniscule.
Naughty boys look alive
When those girls take a dive
Cuz their suits will fall off as a rule.

One denuded nymphet played the fool.
“Oh Mercy!” she cried, “Don’t be cruel.”
To no one’s surprise
She caused quite a rise
In the tools of the fools in the pool.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PRESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her Acrostic Limerick:

Most people watch “press” on T.V.,
Expectantly waiting to see
Debates about news,
In depth theories and views…
And instead see the Prez on a spree.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My newspaper used to be sturdy
With features beyond more than wordy.
But now it’s on line,
Which works out just fine–
Till the floor of my birdcage gets dirty.

Jean McEwen:

Reporters today—so despised
By our POTUS—should not be surprised
If some MAGA fan, packing
A gun, starts attacking.
Alertness is strongly advised.

Tony Holmes:

I was hacking a slice off my boule –
I confess, I’m a sourdough fool –
When a news anchor clip
Caused my bread knife to slip –
Almost sliced off the family jewel.

Tim James:

It’s a fact that the press always skews
Their reporting on non-mainstream views.
They’re so lousy at that
They misquoted my cat.
’Twas a typical case of fake mews.

Dave Johnson:

They write for the Times and the Post;
In detail that’s stronger than most.
Here’s hoping one day
Their headlines will say:
“IT’S OVER -THIS P.O.T.U.S. IS TOAST!”

Suzanne Heymann:

Paparazzi, reporters, the press
Like to find famous folk who transgress.
Now isn’t it funny
That even hush money
Can’t sweeten (like honey) their mess!

Mike Moulton:

Said Trump to the press, looking smug,
With his usual leer and a shrug:
“The House won’t get far,
Because I’ve got Bill Barr,
Who will sweep my crimes under the rug.”

Tim James:

Mr. Gutenberg never could guess
What some people would print with his press:
Gossip, lies, and abuse.
For such stuff there’s one use:
In a birdcage, to clean up the mess.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (333)

Saturday, November 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One night, I undid my car’s lock,
Then I watched from afar like a hawk.
Along came a robber.
I smiled, dripping slobber.
With what did I clobber? A rock!

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special JAZZ-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In a very conservative nation
Where musical improvisation
Is viewed with disdain,
Playing jazz leads to pain
From a sentence of defenestration.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse:

Tony Holmes:

‘Oh, my lord, place your key in my lock!’
Said his lady, adjusting her frock.
‘Now you’re back from crusade,
I’m quite keen to get laid.’
“Well, prepare you, my dear, for a shock.”

“Though by Nature not greatly endowed,
When I left you, my manhood stood proud;
But my bladder was weak,
I stepped out for a leak …
Now a Saracen blade has me bowed.”

‘Oh, my lord! I have waited so long;
With your coming, I burst into song.
But you’ve done derring deeds,
With no thought for my needs;
To return thus, you do me great wrong.’

“Oh, my lady, lambaste me no more!
You are just, but I’m still very sore.
It’s the nature of things –
And believe me, it stings;
On the bright side, I evened the score.”

The rest of this saga is here.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Suzanne Heymann, David Friedman, David Reddekopp, Roger Haugen, John Bergstrom, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCK” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Delilah!” cried Samson in shock,
“This haircut will make people gawk.”
Then he tried to stand tall
For his manhood and all,
But went limp when she lopped the last lock.

Brian Allgar:

The voters, a gullible flock,
Had swallowed unthinkingly, lock,
Stock, and barrel, that guy’s
Endless boasting and lies –
Including the size of his cock.

Tim James:

An apparel firm pumped up their stock:
“It’ll double in price! It’s a lock!
Our source of success is
Our fine women’s dresses!”
The truth is, I don’t give a frock.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Miss Caroline stood on the dock
And dipped her toes into the loch.
Her foot probed the murk,
And she felt a sharp jerk.
Seems Nessie had pulled off her sock.

Suzanne Heymann:

My house is a place I don’t lock,
But burglars are in for a shock.
It’s booby-trapped well
And a nightmarish hell;
They’ll get crushed by a cell concrete block!

David Friedman

“Dear Guinevere,” Lance said in shock,
“This chastity belt thing’s a crock!
For why such attire
When each knight and squire
Has got his own key to the lock?!”

David Reddekopp:

The president boasts, “Man, I rock!
My victory next year’s a lock.
Of that fact I’ve no doubt –
I’ll win in a rout!
This I swear by my fifteen-inch cock.”

Roger Haugen:

Groaned Raul to the old Cuban doc,
“What’s causing my stomach to lock?”
As the man poked and prodded,
He solemnly nodded:
“It’s a Castro-intestinal block.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JAZZ-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

She’s a big fan of jazz and the blues.
She lounges at bars sucking booze.
She channels Miss Ella
And sings a cappella…
While her boyfriend just sits home and stews.

John Bergstrom:

Messrs. Satchmo and Dizzy and Miles
All blew in their various styles.
Now up in the sky
In that sweet bye and bye,
They’re playing together at Ryles.

Jean McEwen:

While some jazz buffs get into a tizzy
Over bebop and swing, I think Dizzy
Gillespie is King
And Glenn Miller’s the Thing!
(Yes, it’s true: I still drive a Tin Lizzie.)

Roger Haugen:

What’s great about music called jazz
Is what the art hasn’t and has:
No thunderous din
For ears made of tin;
Just rhythmic/harmonic pizzazz.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Still groovin’ although he was blind,
He was certainly one of a kind.
Not a thing could compare
To his brilliant despair
When Georgia was still on his mind.

Dave Johnson:

The singer, a drummer, and bass
Recorded with smoldering grace.
It didn’t take long;
Peggy Lee’s biggest song
Took off at a Feverish pace.

Lisi Nortman:

We swayed and we spun and we twirled.
We hopped and we bopped and we swirled.
We danced with pizzazz
To something called jazz;
America’s gift to the world.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (332)

Saturday, October 12th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I said, “Sigmund, you must get a grip!
I’m not watching a cross-dresser strip.”
But he tuned out my plea;
Now I cannot unsee
What was under his Freudian slip.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boss-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mid-management suck-ups are worst;
Indulging their own selfish thirst.
Don’t ask for a raise,
Any guidance or praise;
The backsides they’re smooching come first.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “GRIP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BOSS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz:

The sailors all started to shirk
’Cause the man at the helm was a jerk.
He soon lost his grip
On the crew of the ship.
He was more Captain Hook than James Kirk.

Tim James:

My boss says, “I run a tight ship,”
As we’re crushed in his power-mad grip.
When I quit one fine day
I’ll look over his way;
The proverbial bird I will flip.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIP” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

I swallowed the ’shrooms, took a trip
On a glorious, mystical ship,
And words cannot say
What I gained on that day
From the lesson of losing my grip.

Roger Haugen:

When the sickly old man took a sip
Of a potion with unsurpassed zip,
The flu quickly fled–
He leapt from his bed,
So glad he was losing his grippe.

Jean McEwen:

Dick just should have bitten his lip,
But, enraged, he tripped up (lost his grip),
So he shrieked at his shrink,
“Bitch, you drive me to kink!”
(Then regretted his Freudian slip).

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOSS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Though I work every day at a loss,
My company won’t come across:
“There’s no money for you.”
And I know that it’s true,
Because actually, I’m my own boss.

Robert Schechter:

“Come here. Brush my teeth,” said my boss.
I did so and did not grow cross.
But I threw a big fit
And I threatened to quit
When he opened his mouth and said, “Floss!”

Dave Johnson:

A crabby, mean boss in Seattle
Grew sick of employees he’d battle.
But lately the word
Is he’s driving a herd;
He thinks he’ll do better with cattle.

Tim James:

His boss and he frequently clash,
And he suffers, as under the lash.
Here she comes, and he’s sure
There’s fresh hell to endure:
“If you would, dear, please take out the trash.”

Lisi Nortman: (Advice to the New Girl)

“Don’t get yourself into a tizzy;
You’re so nervous, you’re making me dizzy.
Remember, I said:
‘You must keep a cool head.
When the boss walks in, act like you’re busy.’”

Konrad Schwoerke:

The top dog at my firm is a jerk,
Always leering and touching at work.
But they laughed sans restraint
At my HR complaint;
Now the bitch makes me bump, grind, and twerk.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!