Posts Tagged ‘Bob Turvey’

Limerick-Off Award (478)

Saturday, September 18th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Went out for a bike ride today;
Some fairly steep hills on the way.
Now it hurts when I walk;
If my muscles could talk,
They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Special REPAIRS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
Do try to be kinder
And skip the reminder
You give me in August each year, dear.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE and SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
It still doesn’t work! What deceit!
He’s surely to blame.
What the hell is his name?
All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, you’re not the first person to whine
About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
I’ve had work done by Greg —
Cost an arm and a leg!
In fact, one of those feet may be mine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Rudy Landesman, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Jean McEwen, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO REPAIRS LIMERICKS)

Rudy Landesman:

From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
And your poor tender heart has been broken.
Confucius would say:
“Just throw it away.
I don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
Also, what is a curd?
That’s a gross-sounding word.
Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
So huge is its torso —
The head even more so —
Is there room for those big feet of clay?

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Mona —
So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
You attract me? No way.”
She smiled at the size of his boner.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

A cruise is a grand way to float.
You can travel to places remote.
But you’ll sure feel dismay
When it’s over; you’ll weigh
The very same weight as the boat.

Dave Johnson:

Paul Simon, way back in the day,
Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away.”
Perhaps that refrain
Was the key to explain
Why Garfunkel never would stay.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
Was finally prompted to say,
“So would it be better
To write you a letter?”
“Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”

Mark Totterdell:

In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
I released from her cage the echidna,
And I took her away,
And I just wouldn’t say
To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.

Brian Allgar:

Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
That abortion is banned from today.
A son or a daughter
Aborted? Report her!
Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.

We’ve made it illegal to slay
The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
But once they are born,
Protect them from Covid? No way!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (REPAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My car fell apart when I floored it.
That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
Oh, man! Did I groan!
Promptly took out my phone.
But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it

Terry Marter:

She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
Reconstructed in white, beige and creams.
I shouldn’t disparage
But like her first marriage
It’s falling apart at the seams.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
I remake and re-break it
Until I must take it
Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.

Jean McEwen:

I am trying to snake out the shit
From my toilet, but get but a bit
To go down. Must I plunge
To expunge all the grunge?
(I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)

Bob Turvey:

There was a young chappie called Mike
Who went out for a ride on his bike.
At the thirty-mile juncture
KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
(Repair kit at home – what a hike!)

Lisi Nortman:

Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
7 years of Bad Luck!
That surely did suck.
But my lawyer reduced it to four.

Dave Johnson:

The sound engineer has been bragging
’Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
Extolling his kicks,
He now has to fix
Distortion from band members gagging.

Steve Benko:

“So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
And ’twas all systems go
In the hands of a pro;
His old willy had not crossed the Styx.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (477)

Saturday, September 4th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In my town our archaic saloon,
Holds a “game night” on ev’ry full moon.
We make pool cues from bones,
And play Scrabble with stones.
You should see it — complete rack and rune.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special MEMORY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Forgetting stuff isn’t a game;
It can lead to great sorrow and shame.
Here’s a story of woe
From a fellow I know:
In the sack he called out the wrong name.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Janice Canerdy, Konrad Schwoerke, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I have a fun toy that’s unmatched.
’Twas the last one in stock that I snatched!
It’s a novel balloon
That plays a Bach tune.
It was free and had no strings attached.

Paul Haebig:

He wanted to make the girls swoon,
So he thought he’d transcribe “Claire de Lune.”
What he’d meant as romantic,
Just sounded pedantic.
It’s not a good tune for bassoon!

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA crowd started to swoon
The moment they cranked up his tune.
A raucous event,
In his thrall they were sent
By the sight of the slithery loon.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a parakeet once to a loon,
“It’s a hoot that you wail at the moon.
But if you were like me,
Always caged, never free,
You’d be singing a whole diff’rent tune.”

Bob Turvey:

I drive what Brits call a saloon
So fast it makes young ladies swoon.
[Now, saloon can mean beer –
So let’s make it quite clear –
If you drink and then drive you’re a loon.]

Lisi Nortman:

Folks, here is the sad situation
(A dilemma that faces the nation):
If you want a balloon,
Better be a tycoon.
The price is high due to inflation.

Janice Canerdy:

A young wife who was prone to misspell,
Wrote a note for her hubby, pell-mell:
“I’ll be at the saloon
The entire afternoon.”
He was steamed, but her hair got styled well.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I suggested that we only spoon,
But she countered, “Let’s fork and damned soon!”
I thought great till I felt
Stabbing tines as I knelt—
I just barely escaped Claire the Loon.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEMORY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Absent-mindedness sometimes is hellish;
Drawing blanks isn’t something I relish.
Long-term mem’ries, however,
Confirm that I’m clever —
They’re the ones I’ve had time to embellish.

Tony Holmes:

“I remember the war – ’forty-two.
It was lunchtime – we had Irish stew.
I had two cups of tea –
Corporal Evans had three –
But for breakfast today? Not a clue.”

Terry Marter:

Had an Alzheimer’s meeting today,
Or was it last Tuesday, – or May?
Whatever they said
Must have entered my head,
But it didn’t remember to stay.

Dave Johnson:

Lorena – a name that reflects
The moment her rage cleared the decks.
Time’s passage may cure,
But there’s one thing for sure:
She’ll never re-member her ex.

Brian Allgar:

“Well, Doctor, the reason I came …”
He began. “… Lemme think … What a shame!
I was going to say
That I’ve lost … but today,
I’ve completely forgotten the name.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If my mem’ry gets strained, I don’t sweat it.
Should it lapse on a workout, I let it.
When it heads for the shower,
And asks, “Why the glower?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” I say, “just forget it.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (476)

Saturday, August 21st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sondra Landin:

Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?

Bob Turvey:

When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.

Lisi Nortman:

“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”

Tim James:

She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.

Steve Benko:

I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”

Terry Marter:

A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”

Tim James:

There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”

Terry Marter:

Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.

Fred Bortz:

The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.

Terry Marter:

She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”

Tony Holmes:

I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (474)

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a Tail-Rhyme and a Vanity-Themed limerick:

Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special VANITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny “Soprano Vanity” limerick:

Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C.”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Bob Slapcoff, John Davison, Sjaan VandenBroeder, David Friedman, Bob Turvey, Sondra Landin, Terry Marter, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Benko, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VANITY LIMERICKS)

Bob Slapcoff:

A peacock parading his tail,
Or a gaudily carapaced snail;
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease,
As soon as I get out of jail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”

John Davison:

Whilst out for a walk with my snail
We dined on fresh cabbage and kale,
But when the rain fell
He just hid in his shell,
Thus precluding a riveting tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.

Bob Turvey:

Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”

Sondra Landin:

Plot ideas come pelting like hail;
I try to corral them — and fail.
I rail and I wail
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.

Tim James:

Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VANITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He reflects at the pool where he’s lying.
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing) —
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.

Tony Holmes:

Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.

Lisi Nortman:

“I’m not showy in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies,
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”

Tim James:

A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.

Terry Marter:

She was vain, sexy, slinky and sleek.
On her “look” she spent almost a week.
Then she dated a lout
Who did not beat about
The proverbial bush (so to speak.)

Tim James:

If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
’Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!

Steve Benko:

With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.

Rudy Landesman:

My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (472)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.

But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:

She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.

As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.

His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”

Terry Marter:

They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.

Lisi Nortman:

The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”

Kirk Miller:

When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.

Sondra Landin:

My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).

Tony Holmes:

There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.

Diane Groothuis:

A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”

Jean McEwen:

When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”

Steve Benko:

In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.

Dave Johnson:

His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.

Roger Haugen:

What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.

Tim James:

I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.

Terry Marter:

When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!

Mark Totterdell:

His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.

Bob Turvey:

1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.

Lisi Nortman:

A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (466)

Saturday, March 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dave Johnson:

Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:

I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.

Tony Holmes:

“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”

Bob Turvey:

Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.

Tim James:

“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.

Terry Marter:

My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.

Ken Gosse:

Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.

Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”

“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”

David Friedman:

In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.

Tim James:

Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”

Gail White:

Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!

Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”

We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (463)

Saturday, February 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The plumber piped up, speaking plain,
“All this crap here has blocked up your main.”
So I paid him to break
Up the clog with his snake.
But the thing fell asleep in the drain.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special BILLS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

At the zoo, all the rents steeply rose;
Now each beast strains to pay what it owes.
Ev’ry gator and croc
Had to go into hock,
And the elephants paid through the nose.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MAIN or MANE or MAINE or DOMAIN-RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If your horse looks too drab and too plain,
Wax its saddle and stirrups and rein.
You can brush its tail too,
But whatever you do
Don’t forget to remember the mane.

Sondra Landin:

I knew a nice farm girl in Maine
Who was seeking a swain, but in vain.
She would grumble and mumble
While swiping on Bumble:
“On-line dating is barren terrain!”

Tim James:

The company’s problem was plain:
How to make a loss look like a gain?
So the numbers were cooked
And the “profits” were booked.
’Twas a nice feat of ledgerdemain.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

At “Old Biddy Hill” here on Main,
The senior folk groan and complain.
And year after year,
I repeatedly hear:
“Just who in the hell stole my cane?”

Sue Dulley:

Allan Sherman wrote home to complain
Camp was hard to endure in the rain,
But much worse for Joe Spivey
Who caught poison ivy,
And Skinner, who’s sick with ptomaine.

Bob Turvey:

An out-of-doors dancer from Maine
Once had a rough time in the rain.
A bad skid in the dance
Left a knot in his pants
And his poor penis purple with pain.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BILLS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Tubman’s face on a twenty, that pill?”
Whines Donald, splenetic and shrill.
“It shoulda been me!”
And I almost agree –
Put his face on a three-dollar bill.

Tim James:

My proctologist hasn’t much class:
After treatments, he lets no time pass
Before sending his bill.
(Of compassion there’s nil.)
The guy’s just a pain in the ass.

Jean McEwen:

Watching bills (much like sausage) get made
May be all that it takes to persuade
Folks to roundly reject
The dumb pols they elect
And then send them right back to first grade.

Sue Dulley:

A Bill is by no means unique:
It’s a name, or a debt to pay (eek!)
Or it could be a law;
On a bird it’s the jaw
But for that there’s a better word: Beak.

Lisi Nortman:

The hooker I meet gives me thrills.
She knows all those cool naughty skills.
“Wifey” found my receipt
And screamed, “You’re a cheat!”
So now I pay Lulu in bills.

Rudy Landesman:

A person from Beverly Hills
Had frequently altered his wills.
His heirs were bereft,
For nothing was left:
The lawyers had padded their bills.

Paul Haebig:

I’ve heard of unusual wills
But nothing to top my friend Jill’s:
The language provides
For limousine rides
For her pug, and to pay all his bills!

Thomas Vincent:

A football fanatic named Stills
Who got caught with his hand in the tills
Said, “Judge, let me go
Cause I need all this dough
To pay off my Buffalo Bills.”

Brian Allgar:

“This creature is weirdly designed,
Like a beaver and otter combined,
With a bill like a duck,”
Darwin said. “WTF?
God must have been out of His mind!”

Tim James:

Mr. Dunn chases folks on the run;
At his job he is second to none.
He collects unpaid bills,
And it gives him great thrills.
Dunn has fun till he’s done with the dun.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (459)

Saturday, December 19th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Those in line surreptitiously groan,
“He’s been in there all day with his phone.”
But they’d rather implode
Than the King discommode,
So they won’t push him off of the throne.

Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special MARKET-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My trip to the market was fruitless,
Also vegetable-, stem-, stalk-, and root-less.
They have nothing I need,
But it’s still guaranteed
When I’m done with my shopping I’m loot-less.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MODE/MOWED/COMMODE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

My dad had a very large load
Of bad jokes, which he loved (and it showed.)
“How’d that brave frontier guy,
Davy Crockett, like pie?”
The right answer, of course: “Alamo’d.”

Tony Holmes:

Mister Keats wrote an ode to an urn,
Which is why I will try, in my turn,
To compose you an ode
To my treasured commode.
I’m no Keats, I am sure you’ll discern.

Terry Marter:

We had an old leaky commode
Where the pipes had begun to corrode.
One day, when Mum flushed,
It all bust, and out gushed
The full contents, – a fine Mother-load.

Craig Dykstra:

On the beach, in her thong, she bestowed⁣
Treats to onlookers – everything showed!⁣
But now back home in Philly⁣
Her short skirts are chilly –⁣
She’s regretting her “Pie à la Mowed.”

Tim James:

She’s in furious spring-cleaning mode;
Her superfluous stuff she’ll unload.
Ancient clothing, CDs,
Old computers, TVs,
And her boyfriend sit out by the road.

Doug Harris:

With fashion-sense I’ve been bestowed.
(A picture should shortly upload.)
My barber’s main style
Is ‘farm rank & file.’
He says it’s all quite à-la-mowed!

Sharon Neeman:

Since I learned my cat knows the word “vet,”
I say “market” to baffle the pet —
But this morning, I erred
And employed the right word,
And we’re both now extremely upset:

Kitty leaped into daredevil mode!
All the way down the counter she strode,
Then flew up to the freezer!
She’s STILL there. Can’t seize her.
I mustn’t forget to use code.

Fred Bortz:

Marie Antoinette wrote an ode
To the people on whose backs she rode.
But she made a mistake
Saying, “Let them eat cake!”
When it should have been pie a la mode.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MARKET LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

An Invisible Hand’s said to be
Guiding markets, as long as they’re free.
Well, I’ve seen it. It mocks
Ev’ry one of my stocks.
Guess which finger it’s raising at me.

Brian Allgar:

“That’s a great deal on eBay,” I mused.
“Thirty toilet rolls – can’t be refused!”
But today, what I got ….
Well, I’d failed to spot
The description “Condition is: USED.”

Sharon Neeman:

I need food! How to get to the market?
By car? I’ll have no place to park it.
By bus? I’m too lazy —
Me? Bike?? Are you crazy???
I guess I’ll stay hungry… oh, fark it.

Terry Marter:

At the auction, my earlier tea
Found my bladder just bursting to pee;
Raised my hand for a pause
To attend to my cause.
Oops – too late – I now own a Dalí.

Bob Turvey:

Said our marketing man, “A sensation!
Our dildoes have thrilled the whole nation.
Why in South Delaware
We’ve the whole market share;
We’ve a hundred percent penetration.”

Lisi Nortman:

I went shopping today on a spree!
For breakfast, I only had tea!
I was starving; went wild,
Like an uncontrolled child.
I’m the proud owner now of aisle three.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Four piggies to market were taken.
(The fifth was too smart to awaken.)
One went all to pieces
And faked enuresis.
The rest had to bring home the bacon.

Tim James:

At the market — it’s more like a zoo —
There are crowds, but the face masks are few.
So much saleable stuff!
But it isn’t enough
’Cause these people still can’t buy a clue.

Tony Holmes:

Gladys fancied a farmer she’d met
At the market. Her only regret
Was that much of his food
Was, in shape, very rude,
And she’d blush like a seasoned coquette.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (452)

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A dude tried to show he had brass
When he mounted a burro. Alas!
He displayed ev’ry sign
That he’d had too much wine.
He fell down. He was drunk off his ass.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special DRIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Just keep driving like one of the crazies
In a movie of Martin Scorsese’s.
Excess speeding and drinking?
Bad business, I’m thinking.
Next parking spot? Under the daisies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WINE/WHINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A hiccup if muted is fine,
A belch you don’t hear is benign,
But let’s speak the truth,
A fart’s like vermouth–
An odorous, fortified whine.

Brian Allgar:

A warning to drinkers: red wine
Could blacken your toenails, like mine.
A whole case of Bordeaux
Got dropped on my toe!
(It was Chateau Margaux ’89.)

Jean McEwen:

Snobbish oenophiles tend to malign
Two Buck Chuck as inferior wine.
But I must disagree
’Cause it’s cheap, and to me
It’s as good as the ones they call “fine.”

Lisi Nortman:

My life has been working out fine.
My job is just simply divine.
The boss is real nice;
Always gives good advice.
It’s eight hours a day, nine to wine.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Are mere worker ants creatures divine?
Here’s one antic observed that’s a sign:
Back and forth they will traipse
Over vines to haul grapes
So both soldiers and queens can have wine.

Paul Haebig:

The tourist in Frankfurt am Main
said “Neun” when he should have said “Nein.”
So a half hour later
The puzzled young waiter
Returned with nine bottles of wine.

Tony Holmes:

“What to pair? That’s the beauty of wine;
An adventure whenever you dine.
I found hotdogs today,
So I thought, ‘Beaujolais!’”
“Hic! I’d rather have claret with mine.”

Bob Turvey:

When Policewoman Smith came to town,
To arrest handsome barrister Brown,
He took her to dine;
He plied her with wine;
Then he finally laid the law down.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

She used her sat-nav every day;
Each instruction she’d blindly obey.
But her drive was ill-fated;
The map was outdated –
The bridge had been taken away.

Tim James:

My son does one-ten on the flats.
He runs red lights and stop signs. His stats:
Seven tickets, two wrecks.
It’s had major effects:
Care to guess where he’s driving me? Bats.

Lisi Nortman says:

The Ferrari is driven with force.
It’s a car that most experts endorse.
Yet sometimes I ponder
The “great wild blue yonder”
And wonder what’s wrong with a horse.

Dave Johnson:

Our hazardous mission today
Might be a good reason to pray.
We’ll struggle and strive
With the will to survive
That freeway that runs through L.A.

Suzanne Heymann:

When some guy in a fast Lamborghini
Flirts with gals when they wear a bikini
And their eyes see the prize,
He just compensates (tries)
For the little wee size of his weenie.

Steve Benko:

Said Miss Daisy, “Let’s go somewhere, Hoke;
Take the wheel, for with me, we would croak.
When we get to the woods,
You’ll deliver the goods;
In the back come and give me a poke.”

Tim James:

From the back, as the dad drives the car,
Comes the whine: “Are we there yet? How far?”
Little Lisa screams: “See?
Tommy’s LOOKING AT ME!”
Says the mom: “Can we stop at that bar?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!