Archive for the ‘Poetry Contest’ Category

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 26, 2020)

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT or CONCEIT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to ADVICE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best ADVICE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on Sept. 27, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, Sept. 26, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SEAT/DECEIT/RECEIPT/CONCEIT-rhyme limerick:

“My husband in court must be beat.
Cuz I’m sickened by all his deceit.
He lies just for sport
And in bed he falls short…
So he needs to go down in defeat.”

And here’s my ADVICE-themed limerick:

“Loosen up. Time to let down your hair.”
“Take a risk, but don’t act on a dare.”
“Grow a pair. Roll the dice.”
Uninvited advice
Makes me wig out and bristle. Beware!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WINE or WHINE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 12, 2020)

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WINE or WHINE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to DRIVING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best DRIVING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 13, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 12, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WINE/WHINE-rhyme limerick:

A fellow would often combine
Hard liquor, champagne and red wine,
But he rarely got kicks
From his regular fix…
Though he DID get a box made of pine.

And here’s my DRIVING-themed limerick:

A woman would often lambast
Her husband for driving too fast.
He responded “I drive
Really quick cuz I strive
For an end to the time I’m harassed.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SIGHT or SITE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 29, 2020)

Saturday, August 15th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SIGHT or SITE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CHILDREN, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CHILDREN-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 30, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 29, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SIGHT/SITE-rhyme limerick:

Though I hate to appear impolite,
Or petty and quick to indict,
Trump’s a blight on our nation;
A Trump relocation
To prison would be a fine sight.

And here’s my CHILDREN-themed limerick:

We adopted a pet at the pound;
An adorable, cuddly young hound.
The children both love her,
But run off for cover
When doggie-doo mishaps are found.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DOPE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: August 15, 2020)

Saturday, August 1st, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DOPE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LOVE, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LOVE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 16, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 15, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my DOPE-rhyme limerick:

Wear a mask, please, and don’t be a dope.
Yes, it may be annoying, but cope.
Start now, and don’t wait;
You already are late…
And it also won’t hurt to use soap.

And here’s my LOVE-themed limerick:

“I’m in love,” said a gal to her mom.
“My boyfriend is great. He’s the bomb!”
But her mother replied:
“No, he’s conned you and lied;
He’s been featured in Sleazoids.com!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (449)

Saturday, August 1st, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Its stores were all closed in the fall.
Outside, not one occupied stall.
They’ll auction away
The whole complex today;
Which proves that you CAN win a mall.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special NAG-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If I prod you to zig when you zag,
Or try spurring you on when you lag,
You just snort like a horse.
So I’m puzzled, of course,
As to which one of us is the nag.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

Though her husband’s been dead since September
And it’s now two weeks into December,
Mrs. D. finds no peace,
No surcease, no release
From the words she will always remember:

“Humpty dear,” she had nagged, “I’ll be bound,
You are getting entirely too round.
Just watching you dress
Is a source of distress:
You’ve outgrown all your clothing!” she’d frowned —

But he’d smiled! “Dear, don’t worry at all;
I’ll just buy some new clothes at the mall.
Have you seen their new ad?
‘Come on down — you’ll be glad —
Buy our specials and Have a Great Fall!'”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Peter Sheil, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MALL/MAUL” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said the globetrotter, “I’ve seen it all —
Machu Picchu! The grand Taj Mahal!
But the best sight I’ve seen?
Back in two aught nineteen:
An old ghost town some folks called ‘The Mall.’”

Tim James:

At Home Depot I purchased a maul
Since I’ll need to split wood in the fall.
It’s a sharp, nasty tool.
There’s no risk, though; it’s cool.
It turns out I can’t lift it at all.

Peter Sheil:

For the seasonal sale in the fall
An American goes to the mall,
While his young British pal
Goes to shop in the mall—
Though in truth there’s no difference at all.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’m sure to stay busy through fall,
Since I’m summoned by poetry’s call.
Loads of odes still to mangle,
Then torture and strangle,
Plus lim’ricks galore I can maul!

Jean McEwen:

When I wander around in the mall,
I will oft hear that clarion call:
“Come buy it! You need it!”
I try not to heed it,
Yet always head home with a haul.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NAG LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

If she nags you, don’t nag back or diss her.
She might leave you, and then you would miss her.
If she just starts to blabber,
Don’t jab her, don’t stab her.
Just nab her and grab her, then kiss her!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I found my old nag by the brook.
He threw up and then violently shook.
Seems he ate too much hay;
He sure wasn’t okay
And he gave me a real baleful look

Tony Holmes:

“From a lifetime of losing on nags,
Chasing women, and too many fags*,
I can say for a cert
That, though losing my shirt,
When you give them up – Wow! – how time drags.”

*Fags in the UK are cigarettes.

Dave Johnson:

Double jeopardy answers the bell
When a partner is picky as hell.
Critique without pause
Is most likely to cause
A headache that’s nagging as well.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MALL or MAUL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Aug. 1, 2020)

Saturday, July 18th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MALL or MAUL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to NAGS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best NAGS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 2, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 1, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my MALL/MAUL-rhyme limerick:

When my girlfriend comes home from the mall,
And isn’t too pleased with her haul,
She’ll bawl and complain,
Which drives me insane,
So when diamonds are mentioned, I stall.

And here’s my NAGS-themed limerick:

A scold took a very tough stance
On the evils of drinking and dance.
And he’d castigate folks
Who would bet or tell jokes.
Did he heed his own rules? Not a chance!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: HAIL or HALE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 18, 2020)

Saturday, July 4th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using HAIL or HALE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WRITER’S BLOCK, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WRITER’S BLOCK-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 19, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 18, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my Hail/Hale-rhyme limerick:

“Are you ailing? You look very pale;
Not your usual hardy and hale.”
“No, I think I’ll be fine,
Once I’ve guzzled some wine.
Seems I’ve just had my first taste of kale.”

And here’s my Writer’s Block-themed limerick:

My muse has, alas, gone on strike;
At best, it has taken a hike.
And I won’t say this twice —
I don’t want your advice:
Writing AIN’T just like riding a bike!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SOLE or SOUL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 4, 2020 at 4 p.m. Eastern)

Saturday, June 20th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SOLE or SOUL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WEAPONS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WEAPON-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 5, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 4, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SOLE/SOUL-rhyme limerick:

When I ordered a French Dover sole,
My fish-dish arrived in a bowl.
“What’s THIS? Why no PLATE?”
I shouted, irate.
(My new rating is “Dinnerware Troll.”)

And here’s my WEAPONS-themed limerick:

What’s my weapon of choice? It is words.
Guns and rifles and knives? For the birds!
Kill or maim? Not my aim.
(Please don’t make me shoot game!)
I’m just one of those bookwormy nerds.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SINK or SYNC at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: June 20, 2020 at 4 p.m. Eastern)

Saturday, June 6th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SINK or SYNC at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PUNCTUATION, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PUNCTUATION-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 21, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 20, 2020 at 4 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SINK/SYNC-rhyme limerick:

I’m teetering right on the brink,
And it feels like my life’s out of sync.
I’m off of my feed.
So what do I need?
A shrink? Or another stiff drink?

And here’s my PUNCTUATION-themed limerick:

“You’ve a problem: You drink too much, pop.”
That comma’s essential – full stop!
Cuz without it the drinker
Is any old stinker…
And the bev’rage? Non-alcohol slop.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (445)

Saturday, June 6th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

As her dance reached its physical peak,
Her kid brother called out this critique:
“Swing your butt side to side
In an arc high and wide!”
Yes, the twerp thinks her twerk needs a tweak.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special RUDENESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

While tending a gardening chore,
A T-shirt is all that he wore.
His bent-over stance
Drew a passerby’s glance;
An asshole she tried to ignore.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Wayne Feder, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RUDENESS LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

There’s a woman in Queens, have you guessed?
Puts our limerick skills to the test.
If at her you feel pique
Or the urge to critique,
Just remember she’s doing her best.

So don’t gripe, grumble, grouse, and don’t brood.
Don’t be churlish, self-centered, or rude.
I must say this because
We all love what she does
And don’t like when her good work is booed.

Sharon Neeman:

As the lockdown relaxes this week,
My gray hair’s sticking up in a peak,
All my frocks are too tight,
My complexion’s a fright,
And I haven’t a shred of mystique.

It’s all true, I admit it — but, dude,
Did you honestly buy me a snood?
And what’s THIS thing — a sack?
That’s no dress! Take it back…
No, you KNOW what? Go pack! You’re too rude!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PEAK/PEEK/PIQUE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

“Kiss my ass!” Peter shrieked in fake pique.
So obligingly, Mel, who is meek.
Felt compelled to submit
And to lick it a bit–
Unaware it was all “tongue in cheek.”

Steve Whitred:

Well, I once had a fling with a freak,
And her fetish was fairly unique;
She was awesome in bed,
But what filled me with dread
Was when Polly her parrot would peek.

Cuz, not only did Pollyanne peek,
But my paramour taught her to speak.
She’d say “Squack!” And “Oh blast
Don’t you want this to last?”
And, “I’m not touching that with my beak!”

Lisi Nortman:

On our drive, things were suddenly bleak.
I started to shake and felt weak,
Cuz we noticed a sign
That said, “Crafts By Design,”
Then heard, “Honey, let’s take a quick peek.”

Dave Johnson:

Pelosi unleashed a critique;
That Trump was just wimpy and weak.
On Twitter she found
That her message was sound;
She’d climbed to the top of his pique.

Tim James:

I’m a Luddite, a lazy old chap.
High-tech smart phones? I don’t give a rap.
But my int’rest would peak
If some talented geek
Wrote a program to download a nap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Grab a Bible, a church, and a cop,
And a camouflage outfit — chop-chop!”
When they heard Kushner speak —
His excitement at peak —
They all knew that it meant Photo Op!

Will T. Laughlin:

From his bunker, King Trump risks a peek…
Then utters a terrified shriek:
“The election’s suspended!
Democracy’s ended!
I just saw a PROTESTOR! Eeek!!”

Brian Allgar:

Donald’s mood is far worse than mere pique;
He’s so angry, he barely can speak.
“I rely on Fox guys
To support all my lies,
But they said something TRUTHFUL this week!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RUDENESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

My life is much better, I find,
If I’m courteous, thoughtful and kind.
You, who label me rude:
Shove your dumb attitude
Up your BIG STUPID STINKY BEHIND.

Brian Allgar:

I’d invited a girl home to “play,”
And it should have been my lucky day.
She was nude, she was rude,
But she never got screwed,
Since I had to stay six feet away.

Tim James:

“Open up!” screams the mob, right on cue,
And they really don’t care whom they screw.
They’re aggressive and rude
’Cause they want sit-down food
Plus a haircut, massage, and tattoo.

Wayne Feder:

When Trump’s at the journalists’ throats,
Or getting the med experts’ goats,
Is his rudeness the work
Of a maniacal jerk?
Or is Donald just sowing his oats?

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said the Judge, “You’re an impudent floozy —
A churlish, impertinent doozy!”
“Do go on,” said the wench
While she stood at the bench.
“As compliments go, I ain’t choosy.”

Tony Holmes:

“Quite apart from the fact that you’re crude,
That your speech is with expletives strewed,
What has irked me the most
Is contempt for our host,
And cavorting around in the nude!”

Dave Johnson:

Alexa’s new skill will include
An effort to lighten the mood:
Proclaiming her stress
With the buttons you press;
“Don’t touch me there – you are so rude!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Off with their heads!” screamed the Queen.
Cried Alice, “That’s mean and obscene!”
“No, it’s not — it’s just rude,
’Cause I’m in a bad mood.
You should see what gets lopped when I’m mean.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (444)

Saturday, May 9th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
Showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
Under masks when outside,
If I say ‘Stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special CHALLENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred;
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
’Cause the player’s as good as his word.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump;
An aerial tryst then and there.

Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event,
Unfolding above the terrain.

The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Will T. Laughlin, Patrice Stewart, Steven Frakt, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Daisy Hyrkas. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHALLENGES LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME DIVISION)

Steve Whitred:

In Canada people are smart;
Public health measures taken to heart,
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart.”

Brian Allgar:

Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My owner and I used to nuzzle,
But not any more, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed,
Then I broke down and cried…
And also he’s stolen my muzzle.

Will T. Laughlin:

“War President!” Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.

Patrice Stewart:

’Twas a challenge to turn on her side,
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.

Steve Frakt:

The sad chicken just sat there and cried;
Couldn’t cross to the road’s other side.
Though this tale may evoke
The world’s oldest joke,
That highway was just too damn wide.

Tim James:

If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide.)
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
Gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait – that’s too kind,
So if you don’t mind,
Let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.

Steve Whitred:

On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave.
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side…
But that maskless taboo is her fave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHALLENGES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.

Sharon Neeman:

Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff.
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say,
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
Involve wearing masks,
We can flaunt all we want incognito!

Will T. Laughlin:

From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The challenge is how to stay fit;
My muscle tone’s taken a hit.
I lay in my bed
And remain in my head.
In other words, I don’t do shit.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SIDE or SIGHED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: May 9, 2020 at 4 p.m. (Eastern Time)

Saturday, April 25th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SIDE or SIGHED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CHALLENGES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CHALLENGE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 9 or 10, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 9, 2020 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.) PLEASE NOTE THE NEW, EARLIER DEADLINE!

Here’s my SIDE-Rhymed limerick:

’Twas deceptively lovely outside,
But a problem was readily spied:
Though the sun was a-glitter,
No humans! (No litter!)
I retreated — electing to hide.

And here’s my CHALLENGE-themed limerick:

Feeling trapped in your house? Join the crowd!
(Except joining a crowd ain’t allowed.)
Though our viral constraints
May be cause for complaints,
We must cope with the challenge unbowed.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (443)

Saturday, April 25th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

After thinking about it, I choose
To accept that Corona’s no ruse.
Why is that? I’ll explain:
I’ve a functioning brain.
Right-wing refuse I firmly refuse.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special PLAN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The romantic encounter he’d planned
Turned out to be way less than grand.
As things went awry,
He was left with “Goodbye…”
Along with “Hello Mr. Hand.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Susan Settje, Wayne Feder, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, John Shardlow, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FUSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PLAN LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“To ensure my election success,
There’s a thing that I plan to suppress –
Postal voting! I’d lose,
So I’m gonna refuse
Any bailout for USPS.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

“I’m planning a dinner,” said she;
“How very delightful!” said we,
“But the rules in the news
Say we have to refuse…”
“No,” she shrugged, “it’s just ramen, for me.”

Steve Whitred:

What a mystery needs is some clues,
And what dynamite needs is a fuse.
Coming later this Fall,
For the sake of us all:
What the GOP needs is to lose.

Susan Settje:

Gone are days when the only fake news
Was in tabloids and meant to amuse;
When Cronkite and Rather
Didn’t simper or blather
Or tell lies that are meant to confuse.

Wayne Feder:

Some folks are just learning the news
That Trump has a very short fuse.
It shouldn’t surprise;
Just look at the size
Of his hands and his very small shoes.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Another acrostic? Admit:
When it comes to this task, you’re unfit.
For your own good, refuse,”
Uttered one honest Muse.
Look, you’re bad at this, REALLY. Now quit.”

Jean McEwen:

Several months ago, Carnival Cruise
Had a deal that we couldn’t refuse.
But I fear the damn virus
Will, sadly, require us
To bail (and fend off those “ah-choos.”)

Steve Whitred:

Told the barkeep some humorous news,
And she listened; she couldn’t refuse.
But instead of applause
Giggles, grins, or guffaws,
All I got from the barmaid was booze.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PLAN LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Shardlow:

From a Potus who rates himself ‘great,’
This plan ought to carry some weight:
For Covid infection,
A Clorox injection.
Make sure that his jacket is ‘strait.’

Sharon Neeman:

On “Dancing with Stars” Jim had fans,
But an accident ruined his plans.
Hearing “Rrrrrrip!” in the final,
He found his tights (vinyl)
Were really his dance partner Ann’s.

Steve Whitred:

“For the people”, Ms. Harris began,
And Ms. Warren said “I have a plan.”
Amy Klobs made a plea,
But what scuttled all three
Was that none of these gals is a man.

Tim James:

He had planned on a cruise, the poor schlub.
Then the virus came. Ay, there’s the rub.
He is now quite bereft.
There’s but one option left:
That’s to play with toy boats in the tub.

Roger Haugen:

While thinking deep thoughts on the can,
He delivered himself of a plan:
He’d leave his old wife
To start a new life
And indulge in his yen for Japan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Here is something to do when depressed:
Make nice plans, so you won’t feel distressed.
But remember, my friend,
I do recommend
That at some point, you need to get dressed.

Tim James, for his “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.”

When my limerick effort began —
On this man, the canal, and his plan —
I emitted a curse
While constructing the verse:
That damn palindrome just wouldn’t scan.

Tim Gray:

If you think that you can’t, you are right.
Of this fact you must never lose sight.
The obvious plan
Is to think that you can,
And the chances increase that you might.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Fuse or Confuse or Refuse at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 25, 2020)

Saturday, April 11th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Fuse or Confuse or Refuse at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PLANS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PLAN-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 26, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 25, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my REFUSE-rhyme limerick:

There are times I’m inclined to refuse
To read any national news
Cuz it’s all so depressing
And oh so distressing.
Remember when news could amuse?

And here’s my PLANS-themed limerick:

A fellow was trying to pitch
A plan that would “make us all rich.”
But a glitch in his scheme
Made it clear to the team
He was naught but a get-rich-scheme snitch.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RING or WRING at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 11, 2020)

Saturday, March 28th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RING or WRING at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FEAR, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FEAR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 12,2020 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 11, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my RING/WRING-rhyme limerick:

If I tell you to “give me a ring,”
Please know I’m not asking for bling.
(That would take lots of gall!)
No, I just want a call…
Though I’d settle for text or a ping.

And here’s my FEAR-themed limerick:

Excess staring can make women fearful;
Especially looks that seem leerful.
And pandemics will boost
The unease that’s induced…
Like right now, I’d prefer someone sneerful.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (440)

Saturday, March 14th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Stephen Whitred:

Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.

Suzanne Heymann:

Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.

Dave Johnson:

She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.

Steven Frakt:

A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.

Thomas Vincent:

Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.

Delano Britt:

There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.

Fred Bortz:

A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.

Tim James:

When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Jean McEwen:

As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.

Ken Gosse:

A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”

Brian Allgar:

I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BACK or ABACK at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 14, 2020)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BACK or ABACK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TOYS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TOY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 15, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 14, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my BACK/ABACK-rhyme limerick:

I’m confused and bewildered, alack,
Cuz I can’t decide which pol to back.
Ousting Trump is a must!
But whom can we trust
To keep Donald’s eviction on track?

And here’s my TOY-themed limerick:

Whenever I hear lots of noise,
I suspect that it’s men and their toys:
A new tool, scooter, car,
Or (Oy Vey!) a GUITAR!
Loud? Annoying? It’s catnip to boys!

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (339)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”

Tim James:

She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Beri Caram:

I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”

Tony Holmes:

If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.

Brian Allgar:

My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.

Steve Whitred:

There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.

Tim James:

An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”

Diane Groothuis:

A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.

Suzanne Heymann:

A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CASH or CACHE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: February 29, 2020)

Sunday, February 16th, 2020

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CASH or CACHE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CLOTHING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CLOTHING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 1, 2020 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 29, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CASH/CACHE-Rhyme limerick:

I’m in a big rush and must dash
To the bank, cuz I’m all out of cash.
Then there’s lunch and a meeting
And hours of tweeting
Snide gripes — pols and neighbors to bash.

And here’s my CLOTHING-themed limerick:

A woman was totally bare;
She’d removed all her clothes on a dare,
Then shopped aroun’ town
Till a cop flagged her down.
Her excuse? “I have nothing to wear.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (338)

Sunday, February 16th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The Old Mariner cried, “What the heck?!
With an albatross (dead) I must trek?!
Can’t I just drag a chain
To display your disdain —
Not this smelly old pain in the neck?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special STRING-INSTRUMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In the mountains, this small, remote nook
Is delightful, with woods, birds, and brook.
And the air is so clear!
Hold on, what’s that I hear?
A guitar and a banjo? Let’s book!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Beri Caram, Suzanne Heymann, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Andrew Sprung, Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I had gotten my gal a gold chain
For a bracelet. She said with disdain:
“You’re a jerk; that I knew.
It turns out you’re cheap too!”
All this fuss for a tiny green stain!

Daisy Hyrkas:

I wove many a fine daisy chain
And danced without clothes in the rain.
You bet your sweet bippy
I once was a hippie,
But the pendulum swung right again.

Tanja Cilia:

Yarn-writers spin epics in vain.
Each saga, they link in a chain.
But real life zooms so fast,
They’re not destined to last;
In the end, just flash fiction will reign.

Brian Allgar: (Aftermath of Trump’s impeachment)

In a show that surpassed the Third Reich’s,
Traitors’ heads were impaled upon spikes.
They’d been hanged with a chain
On the White House terrain,
Live on Facebook, with millions of ‘likes.’

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The foreboding chain letter was plain:
“Send this on, or you’ll suffer great pain.”
So I covered my ass,
Sent out letters en masse,
And let somebody else break the chain.

Jean McEwen:

Will we ever find out the full chain
Of events that led up to Ukraine?
(Trump’s corruption, that is…)
I doubt it, ’cause his
Is one grand feat of legerdemain.

Beri Caram:

Who knows who is nutty or sane?
One wonders and thinks, all in vain.
Your “brisk” is my “lazy.”
My “sane” is your “crazy.”
Oh please, won’t you undo my chain?

Suzanne Heymann:

The cop asked the drunk in the rain,
“Where to? It’s past midnight! Explain!”
“To a lecture; can’t wait!”
“Who gives lectures this late?”
“Just my wife, sir, the great ball and chain.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (STRING INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

I’ve been tutored to toot the kazoo.
My tunes and my rhythms are true.
But I can’t play a thing
On a musical string.
Yes I fret that I don’t have a clue.

Tim James:

Many gals in the orchestra face
An attempt by a guy (a disgrace)
To do sexual things
With the “babes” in the strings —
Though he still hasn’t got to first bass.

Brian Allgar:

She always made love with her fellow
As though she were playing the cello.
When she gripped with her knees,
So hard did she squeeze
That he gave an unmusical bellow.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

On the “practice test,” I have reviewed
All the answers, so I could conclude
That a hat’s to a head
Like a sheet’s to a bed
And the banjo’s like Spam is to food.

Brian Allgar:

I’ve lost count of the horrible things
That McConnell, Trump’s instrument, brings.
But let’s not forget
He’s a marionette –
It is Donald who’s pulling the strings.

Andrew Sprung:

A virgin violist named Vera
Fretted opening night, taut with terruh.
“If I whinny or whine
When my beau’s strings touch mine,
Then the whole world will hear of my erruh!”

Byron Miller:

String ensembles are musically mellow;
I’m a center front row type of fellow.
I’m also a flirt
And may peek up the skirt
Of the woman who’s playing the cello.

Dave Johnson:

With the lush tones her instrument brings,
She’s playing some beautiful things.
But finding a place
For a harpist to base?
She just might have to pull a few strings.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!