Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

Half-Baked Limerick

Friday, September 30th, 2022

A baker was well on his way
To a lifetime of waste and decay,
When he met a cute gal
Who said, “Listen up pal!
Straighten out, or no rolls in the hay.”

(September 30 is National Bakery Day.)

A Marital Grievance (Limerick)

Thursday, September 29th, 2022

I hope my using new-to-me words won’t incite grumbling:

“Republican laws are draconian,”
Raged a man at his wife. “And demonian!”
She replied, “While that’s true,
I can NOT help but rue
Having married an old grumbletonian.”

A Dogged Quest (3-Verse Limerick)

Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

A woman who wanted a pet
Became angry, perturbed, and upset:
She’d been told dog adoption
Was OUT as an option…
Cuz she spent too much time on the net.

She replied, “If the net’s bad, then why
Is your website the place we must buy
These sweet canines you say
Need a home? Still say ‘Nay?’
Any court will your ruling decry.”

Upon hearing her not-so-veiled threat,
The naysayer started to sweat.
Since his site can’t afford
To be sued, he’s on board.
Her new spaniel — Tibetan — great get!

*****

(Happy “World Pet Day” — September 28.)

What Would I Do Without Google? (Limerick)

Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

GOOGLE Search,” you’re my substitute brain.
You don’t mind if my quest is mundane.
Arcane queries don’t faze.
So is THAT enough praise?
Now please send lots of folks to “MadKane!”

Happy birthday to Google!

Jacked By Robots (Limerick)

Monday, September 26th, 2022

Today (September 26) is both Lumberjack Day and Robot Day. So it’s ironic that robots are stealing jobs from lumberjacks.

A lumberjack, dressed like a slob,
Gets fired and lets out a sob:
“I’ve been cut down to size
By a gizmo,” he cries.
“A robot has stolen my job!”

Yet Another “Punctuation Day” Limerick

Saturday, September 24th, 2022

How to punctuate: That is the query.
Ill-timed marks can be irksome and dreary.
Bangs, ellipses, and dashes
Add drama in flashes.
Overuse is abusive!!! — Be leery!!!!!

(National Punctuation Day is celebrated yearly on September 24th.)

No Laughing Matter (Limerick)

Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

When hubby Mark and I watch comedy, his laughter sometimes obliterates the punchlines. And that gives me a good excuse to use another new-to-me word in a limerick:

Hubby Mark has an ear-splitting laugh.
Its volume is way off the graph.
To produce cachinnation,
He needs no libation…
So I call him my much louder half.

The Concert Kerfuffle (Limerick)

Monday, September 19th, 2022

A British guitarist named Stan
Was playing a concert in Cannes,
When an audience member
Threw rocks and an ember…
And that’s when the Brit hit the fan.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MIND or MINED or REMIND at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 15, 2022)

Saturday, September 17th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using MIND or MINED or REMIND at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BANKS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BANK-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: YAWN, CLAIM, SPORTS, LAZY, FEARLESS

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 16, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 15, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my MIND or MINED or REMIND-Rhyme Limerick:

A fellow was asked to help mind
A young dog by a gal in a bind.
But he said I’m tied up
And can’t help with that pup.
The response she unleashed wasn’t kind.

And here’s my BANK-Themed Limerick:

A foolish young fellow named Frank
Had a low-level job in a bank.
When a gal asked for francs,
He informed her, “The ranks
Of this bank have just one, plus a Hank.

And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

When the judge caught me yawning in court,
He accused me of being the sort
Of gal “who became
An Esq., just to claim
A husband, or simply for sport.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (500)

Saturday, September 17th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DOUG HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The digital gremlins let rip
And chewed up my laptop’s old chip.
As it draws its last breath
With the blue screen of death,
How’s it playing an Amazon clip??

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RELAXATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He tried to relax, but he failed;
So a bowl of the best he inhaled.
He had hoped he would find
That it helped him unwind.
Now his train of thought’s fully derailed.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.

Since my dog is so smart, it’s no wonder,
She barks, “Roof!” ev’ry time she hears thunder.
I share her perspective;
When weather’s defective,
It’s not something we ought to be under.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Linda A. C. Fuller, Roger Haugen, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Rudy Landesman, and Gail White. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHIP-RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Jack Sprat and his missus would brawl
At each meal over grievances small.
He: “This plate has a chip!”
She: “Enough with the lip —
You’re lucky I feed you at all!”

Terry Marter:

He gambled his house and his ship,
Told the croupier gal “Let her RIP!”
She spun; the ball popped.
His heart (and wheel) stopped.
The loss killed him, – he’s cashed his last chip.

Tim James:

Willie Wonka was smart as a whip;
On computers he had a firm grip.
As his business had grown
He built one of his own.
It contained the world’s first choc’late chip.

Lisi Nortman:

Susie gave me a wonderful tip:
“You’re too fat girl, now please get a grip.
Though this may sound absurd,
You must eat like a bird.”
Then she left, and I pecked at a chip.

Dale S. Biggs:

A putt’s not a drive or a chip.
It’s a nudge t’wards a cup or its lip.
When it’s good, the ball drops,
But it mostly just stops–
And I can’t blame the grass or my grip!

Linda Fuller:

On his shoulder he carries a chip,
And there’s always a gun on his hip.
Don’t mess with this dude
’Cause he’s got a real ’tude,
And his sanity’s starting to slip.

Roger Haugen:

He swallowed a silicon chip
That migrated straight to his hip;
He’s now a cool chipster,
A solid-state hipster,
With 5G and great broad-band zip.

Dave Johnson:

That platter held nary a chip;
The same could be said for the dip.
Our guests had all gone,
But one moment lived on:
When everyone winced at my quip:

I did NOT meant to shock when I said,
“We’re having a hard time in bed.”
Our mattress – it sags!
Now on Facebook their gags
Have phrases like “came to a head…”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RELAXATION-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I tried jogging, but didn’t get far.
I’d rather have taken my car!
Long ago, I had zest,
But lately I’m stressed.
Now my fav’rite pursuit’s R&R.

Jean McEwen:

These alternative “types” are sheer quacks.
Their “advice,” said to help folks “relax,”
(Like that “mindfulness” crap)
Makes me just want to slap
Them or lash out in rage with an axe.

Terry Marter:

Slung my hammock across; tree to tree,
And unwound with good wine, and some Brie.
Gentle breeze in my hair;
Relaxation, right there!
Damn! I need to dash off for a pee.

Lisi Nortman:

After work, I can’t wait to see Judd.
He’s my Pit Bull and very best “bud.”
Judd is sweet and so kind,
And he helps me unwind.
After snugg’ling, I wash off the blood.

Terry Marter:

The William Creek pub draws me nigh.
I’ll relax; see Lake Eyre from the sky.
Then, my favourite deal, –
Their seven-course meal:
It consists of six beers and a pie.

Lisi Nortman:

Writing lim’ricks is how I de-stress.
Who cares if my house is a mess?
I don’t cook; I don’t clean.
I ain’t got no routine…
Except for the keys that I press.

Tony Holmes:

“I prefer, when I’m taking my ease,
That I not be disturbed, if you please.
What I do when alone
In my ‘man-only’ zone
Is protected by laws and decrees.”

Tim James:

There once was a bellhop named Chip
Who was helping a guest with her grip.
And I don’t mean her bag,
But her grasp. Then their shag
Meant that SHE was receiving the tip.

From her job she’d been recently axed;
Her anxiety level was maxed.
So she went on a trip,
Where she met handsome Chip.
The result: she’s extremely relaxed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: DEFECT, SMART, VOICE, SHAME, TASTE.)

Tim James:

In the sciences, letters, and arts
She’s a genius, with scores off the charts.
I give voice to this cry:
“She’s much brighter than I!”
I’m ashamed to admit that it smarts.

Rudy Landesman:

It’s a shame that you choose to decline
This elegant wine from the Rhine.
You say it’s a waste
And has simply no taste?
I’d say that’s your old vintage whine.

Linda Fuller:

Such a shame that he has a nice voice;
Intonations that leave you no choice,
But to follow his lead
Into every misdeed.
Such a man makes the devil rejoice.

Lisi Nortman:

How dare you imply that my voice
Reveals I don’t own a Rolls Royce!
I have such a smart mind.
Can’t you tell I’m refined?
In the theater, I’ve played Blanche DuBoyce.

Gail White:

I dance and I drink without shame.
For my actions I’m taking no blame.
For at seventy-five,
I’m still smart and alive
And a highly sarcastic old dame.

Terry Marter:

The young milkmaid appealed to his taste.
He voiced “Darlin’, yer garter’s unlaced.
It’s defective, you see.
Let me fix it for thee.”
She’s straight-laced now, – but no longer chaste.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When I narrate a lim’rick, my choice
Is quite often a “first person” voice.
If I could, I would own a
Much smarter persona.
This one’s dumb, but I’ve some that are woise.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Trumpeting Leadership (Limerick)

Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

My self-challenge for today was writing a limerick using the new-to-me word “fugleman.”

An assertive, decisive, and frugal man
Was also an excellent bugle man.
He would make extra dough
Playing band gigs and so
In parades, he was always the fugleman.

Lusting For Lusty Limericks? (Limerick)

Monday, September 12th, 2022

Must a lim’rick be bawdy and lusty?
Has that “rule” become mis’rably musty?
I like lims of all kinds
From both lewd and chaste minds,
Even those just a tad upper crusty.

Eat A Banana? Nah! (Limerick)

Saturday, September 10th, 2022

It’s “Banana Day,” giving me a great excuse to bitch about bananas. (It’s lucky that Mark and I like them at different stages of ripeness. Otherwise, they’d all end up tossed into the garbage.)

“You should eat that banana today,”
Says Mark. “Ugh, it’s TOO ripe,” I say.
“It peaked overnight.
Now it’s yours. Have a bite!
It’s perfect for you; old and gray.”

Florid Failure (Limerick)

Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

I use new-to-me words in my verse;
Vain attempts to cajole and coerce
My old brain into learning
Their meaning. But spurning
Those efforts, my mind makes me curse.

So I’m forced to confess with veracity
That I wish I had greater capacity
To remember cool words,
But my brain’s for the birds,
Which explains all my failed orchidacity.

Today’s Rhyming Challenge (Limerick)

Monday, September 5th, 2022

Sometimes I challenge myself by using a hard-to-rhyme word in a limerick. In today’s case, it’s “latrinalia,” which means stuff written or drawn on bathroom walls.

Now before you say, “Lots of things rhyme with latrinalia, according to Rhymezone,” let me add that Rhymezone is WRONG!

Since the Final Stressed Syllable of latrinalia is NAL, true rhyme words must end in “alia” preceded by a Different Consonant, such as AuSTRalia, or mamMalia, or reGalia, or the two words I use in this limerick:

If you happen to read latrinalia,
You won’t find any sesquipedalia,
You’ll see swear words and gripes
Writ by marginal types,
But no poems inspired by Thalia.

Trashy Timing (Limerick)

Sunday, September 4th, 2022

We DID have a rainstorm today.
It poured for four minutes, I’d say;
It began as I dropped
Our trash curbside … then stopped
As I ended my short outdoors stay.

The Arrogant Host (Limerick)

Sunday, September 4th, 2022

I encountered an arrogant host
At a bash that was more like a roast.
He’s an all-around pest
Who demeaned every guest;
His demeanor is meaner than most.

Sound Revenge (Limerick)

Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

How can I resist using “bombilation” in a limerick?

Bombilation is driving me nuts,
And it comes from a home that abuts
My backyard. I complain,
But I’m met with disdain.
My revenge? A large doghouse with mutts.

Hold The Bacon! (Limerick)

Saturday, September 3rd, 2022

An Orthodox woman was shakin’;
She’d been saved by a stranger from breakin’
Sev’ral bones in a fall.
The stranger (quite tall)
Said “No handshake? I just saved your bacon.”

******
“International Bacon Day” is celebrated on the first Saturday in September each year.

Please Don’t Suggest Chess! (Limerick)

Thursday, September 1st, 2022

I count “chess” among the many things I’m bad at. But to those who enjoy it, happy “American Chess Day!”

I hate losing, so playing a game
That I’m poor at feels foolish and lame,
Which is why I avoid
Playing chess. I’m annoyed
When I look like a dim-witted dame.