Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

Missing Musicians (Limerick)

Thursday, October 21st, 2021

“We have lost sev’ral members, I hear,”
Said the maestro. “Some key ones, I fear.
It’s too late for auditions
To find new musicians.
I guess we must play it by ear.”

Messy Limerick

Wednesday, October 20th, 2021

A gal, an industrious knitter,
Showed a huge heap of knits to her sitter:
“It’s a mess, I confess.
If you sort it, dear Tess,
I shall give you the pick of the litter.”

(Worldwide Knit In Public Day is the 2nd Saturday of June.)

Embracing “Ass Day” (Limerick)

Sunday, October 17th, 2021

As you can see, I’m embracing “Ass Day.” (October 17)

It’s “Ass Day,” so celebrate rears
And relinquish your booty-size fears;
I suspect your can’s span
Ain’t as wide as a van.
Get behind it and relish the cheers!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DOCK or DOC at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 30, 2021)

Saturday, October 16th, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DOCK or DOC at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to LIMBS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best LIMB-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 31, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 30, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my DOCK or DOC-rhyme limerick:

Laryngitis was getting his goat,
So he went to a doctor of note.
“I’ve a hunch,” said the doc,
“That you talk round the clock.”
Said his patient, “Don’t jump down my throat.”

And here’s my LIMB-themed limerick:

A man with an arm in a sling
Had recently injured his wing.
He wistfully said,
“My Frisbee arm’s dead…”
Then headed for one final fling.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (480)

Saturday, October 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

White priv’lege has gone to my head:
I eat mayo on white bread in bed.
I’m renowned for my wealth
And enjoy vibrant health;
What’s my secret, you ask? I’m white-bred.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special SELF-CONTROL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The sensation is driving me mad!
What a feeling, – so good yet so bad.
It’s coming on strong,
Can’t hold it for long.
Oh Yes – YES! It’s the best sneeze I’ve had.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Gennadiy Gurariy, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Terry Marter, Bob Turvey, Roger Haugen, Jesse Levy, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BREAD/BRED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SELF-CONTROL LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Since they tell me I’m quite overfed,
I’m determined to diet,” he said.
“Though I’ll still eat by tons
Greasy burgers and buns,
I shall make myself give up stale bread.”

Gennadiy Gurariy:

The carbs that are lurking in bread
Admittedly fill me with dread.
I once tried to veto
The strictures of keto,
But ended up breaking the bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BREAD or BRED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

That gal is well read and well bred.
She’d never (she said) be caught dead
With a book that was porn.
She dismissed those with scorn.
She’d watch X-rated movies instead.

Kirk Miller:

Our baker’s a man of renown
Who’s awarded the bread-making crown.
All the judges have said
That his prize-winning bread
Is superb. It’s the toast of the town.

Tim James:

Said the scion, so suave and well-bred,
To his lady: “It’s time that we wed.
I’ll be needing a mare
To provide me an heir.”
So she did what she had to. She fled.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the bakery, Crumb Bros & Sons,
Female bakers were treated like nuns.
“All the brothers,” gals said,
“When they’re testing our bread,
Make a habit of squeezing our buns.”

Lisi Nortman:

I used to call Johnny a “sleaze”
Cuz he constantly begged for “Trapeze.”
Since I’m very well-bred,
One night in our bed,
I agreed cuz he fin’ly said, “please.”

Ken Gosse:

My parents both look like each other.
Their parents were sister and brother.
My kids were inbred
In my own sibling’s bed,
Like we learned from our father and mother.

Brian Allgar:

“Beware of that woman!” they said
To the baker who hoped to be wed.
“She just happens to know
That you’re rolling in dough –
She’s a gold-digger, after your bread.”

Terry Marter

The seagulls all perched on the shed,
Set for dive-bombing many a head.
Then Jonathan said
“See that woman in red?
Don’t crap on her; she’s got the bread.”

Bob Turvey:

There was a young lady named Flo,
Whose boyfriend said, “Women can’t throw.”
So she threw at his head,
A loaf of stale bread;
But she missed and she fractured her toe.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

This appeal from my doctor sufficed
To reveal his advice over-priced:
“Cut down on your bread.”
That’s all that he said.
And I had to explain, “It comes sliced.”

Tim James:

She employed him to help her make bread,
But his nature she badly misread.
She found out that the oaf
Would consistently loaf.
“I’ve no knead for this goof-off,” she said.

Roger Haugen:

“My family’s extremely well-bred,”
He smirked with a toss of his head;
When a DNA test
Put that fiction to rest,
He keeled over in shock and fell dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SELF-CONTROL-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Gennadiy Gurariy:

If life is indeed like a box
Full of chocolate, it ought to have locks,
Or I know what I’ll get:
Upset stomach, regret,
Chocolate stains and intestinal blocks.

Tony Holmes:

Those who advocate strict self-control
Are a miserable lot, on the whole.
Not for them the delights
Of those drink sodden nights,
Or the head hanging over the bowl.

Lisi Nortman:

I wanted to be so much thinner,
My plan? It sure wasn’t a winner:
For breakfast and lunch,
A salad to munch.
Then loss of control for my dinner.

Jesse Levy

I really can’t stop my loud crying
Because of my profligate buying.
It sure isn’t funny
’Cause I’m out of money…
But at least I own all I’ve been eyeing.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Said my sneaky, (yet lovable) spouse:
“I’ve ordered just one pretty blouse.”
“Oh really?” said I.
“Then please tell me why
Eve’ry day there’s a box in the house.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If shooting yourself is your goal,
Then before you get ready to roll,
As you suck your cheeks in,
Also cover your chin.
It’s called practicing selfie control.

Dave Johnson:

He thought that they should, though she wouldn’t;
Her feeling was “could, but we shouldn’t.”
Their evening spent,
She began to relent;
And told him they would…then he couldn’t.

Steve Benko:

Said the priest, “You must use self-control;
In the Church, that’s how altar boys roll.
Keep a stiff upper lip
While my pants I unzip;
Three Hail Mary’s will then save your soul.”

Rudy Landesman:

When I was a boy wearing nickers,
My favorite candy was “Snickers.”
I still get the jones
Right down to my bones.
I control them imbibing sweet liquors.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Joan was raised to be pure, without taint,
And was praised for demure self-restraint.
So she took it quite hard
When she found out Bernard,
Their old dog, was the family Saint.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Tasty Limerick

Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Happy “National Dessert Day.” (October 14)

A fellow was eating dessert.
Offered seconds, he said, “It can’t hurt.”
But his wife said, “Enough!”
“You used to be buff.”
He responded, “You used to be pert.”

Handy Limerick

Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

At the piano the man’s an old hand;
He is one of the best in the land.
But he still has regrets
And never forgets:
Having more than one hand would be grand.

Aging Quatrain

Tuesday, October 12th, 2021

There are days I feel old as the hills
And I long for those youth-making fountains.
But this contrary thought gives me thrills:
It’s better than old as the mountains.

Handbag Hassles (Limerick)

Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Heavy handbags are irksome indeed.
Paring down has become my new creed:
No more notebooks, spare keys.
Bye-bye iPad, change, cheese.
Net result? Never have what I need!

Happy National Handbag Day! (October 10)

Why I Write Limericks (Limerick)

Saturday, October 9th, 2021

Writing lim’ricks meets some of my needs:
To create, vent my spleen, avoid screeds.
Written wordplay’s a ball!
And the best part of all?
It doesn’t entail making reeds.

Egg Myths (Limerick)

Friday, October 8th, 2021

“World Egg Day” has given me an excuse to write this limerick rant:

“Do NOT eat the yolks of your eggs!”
“Just the egg whites,” they said – (the egg-dregs.)
Now such counsel’s passé
Re cholesterol. Yay!
All those egg lies no longer have legs.

It’s A Frappe (Limerick)

Thursday, October 7th, 2021

Happy National Frappe Day! (October 7)

“This diner has fabulous cakes
And surprisingly tasty strip steaks.
Their fish and chips dinner
Is surely a winner.
But sundaes and frappes? No great shakes!”

Sketchy Artist (Limerick)

Wednesday, October 6th, 2021

A sketch artist’s drawings were raw
And flawed, rarely gazed at with awe.
Yet he won an award
For his “Gourd With A Sword.”
Fellow artists swore: “Luck of the Draw!”

Nailed It (Limerick)

Tuesday, October 5th, 2021

I called a new carpenter, Ned,
Cuz the first guy screwed up and then fled.
When I showed him the job
Ned said, “Fix it? No prob!”
Then he hit the nail right on the head.

Happy Golf Lovers Day! (October 4) (Limerick)

Monday, October 4th, 2021

Though I’m no fan of golf, I couldn’t resist writing a Golf Lovers Day limerick:

As a golfer swigged beer in a pub,
He bitched and he gobbled his grub:
“I’ve been flubbing my putts.
Being drubbed drives me nuts!”
The response to that putz? “Join the club!”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BREAD or BRED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 16, 2021)

Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BREAD or BRED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SELF-CONTROL, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SELF-CONTROL-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 17, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 16, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my BREAD or BRED-rhyme limerick:

A fellow with plenty of bread
Held a fete on his boat — a big spread.
Near the end of the bash
He dropped much of his cash
In the toilet. Wealth’s gone to his head.

And here’s my SELF-CONTROL-themed limerick:

I’m beginning to notice a lag in
Restraint from a pal who’s been braggin’
That he’s wholly off beer.
But I’m starting to fear
That my trucker friend fell off the wagon.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (479)

Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I once caught the flu from a fly
Who flew on my pie from on high.
I put down the coup
By slamming my shoe
Into what has become shoefly pie.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special BRAGGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After scaring up “Friends” coast-to-coast,
Casper boasts on a post, “I’ve the most!
Countless followers boo me,
And thousands see through me —
Not to mention the millions I ghost!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Rudy Landesman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BRAGGING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

“I’m a yugely-equipped kinda guy,”
Boasted Donald, unzipping his fly.
So the hooker went down,
Gave a mystified frown.
“I can’t find it,” she said with a sigh.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley

The shock made me think I would die;
A bug in my fabric supply!
I started to froth
At the mouth – “Help! a moth!!”
But it turned out to be but-a-fly.

Dave Johnson:

A math teacher learned how to fly;
The skill that allowed him to try
His brand-new technique.
Now some students may seek
To learn about pi in the sky.

David Friedman:

There once was a young fly named Whit
Who hated his life quite a bit.
“To be,” he would sigh,
“A bee, not a fly,
And fly among flowers, not shit!”

Sue Dulley:

I am stuck in this treetop so high,
Just a chick; I don’t know how to fly.
I attest that it’s best
That I rest in this nest,
Egg me on, kick me out and I’ll die.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I said, as I pawed through the rack,
For a baseball mitt (something I lack),
To the clerk standing by,
“Soon I’ll catch my first fly!”
He said, “Why not just give it a whack?”

Brian Allgar:

My wife hates the food when we fly;
She complains: “Gourmet food? What a lie!”
On our journey to Sydney
They served steak-and-kidney.
“You see? It’s just pie in the sky.”

Dave Johnson:

While under a microscope’s eye,
This subject has secrets to pry.
Entomologists know
That it just goes to show
There’s stuff you can learn on the fly.

Robert Schechter:

I looked up by chance at the sky
When a pigeon pooped crap in my eye.
I let out a curse,
But it could have been worse:
Imagine if hippos could fly!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Always failing when aiming too high,
I was flailing with each futile try.
So I set my sights lower,
And learned to go slower.
Now I’m skillful at killing a fly.

Tim James:

His pick-up lines just didn’t fly.
“You’re a pig!” said the gal in reply,
Then got mad (who’d have guessed?)
When he asked her in jest:
“Would you like to come up to my sty?

Robert Schechter:

I swear that it wasn’t a lie
When I said I would not hurt a fly,
But you, as you know,
Are a human, and so
Prepare, motherf*cker, to die.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BRAGGING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Ken Gosse:

While I stood in the checkout line, bragging,
The speed of the line started dragging.
My stories were bold,
But were too often told.
They begged me to “Please, finish bagging!”

Sue Dulley:

I am old and I live on a pension;
I have few ways to get your attention.
So permit me to say
In a (non-)bragging way:
Mad once gave me an hon’rable mention.

Rudy Landesman:

My wife, not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
When we are in bed,
She gives me great head
And does wonderful things with her hand.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

When posting my profile on Bumble,
I’m hoping that I didn’t fumble
By laying out raw
My only grave flaw
Of being exceedingly humble.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (on Covid Rules)

For the last two darn years, we have sat
Alone in our house or our flat.
Like we fell in a hole,
Never went near one soul.
Not to brag, but I’ve ALWAYS done that.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

About boasting, I needed advice,
And my minister said, “It’s not nice.
You like praise, and want more?
That’s what fun’rals are for.”
I guess bragging rites come with a price.

Tim James:

At the bake-off we all heard her boast
That the judges would like her bread most.
She committed a goof
And her dough failed to proof —
So now it appears that she’s toast.

Byron Miller:

“Only I have the deal that you want,”
Says the braggart with ego to flaunt,
But I can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

For Heaven Sakes, Celebrate “Sake Day!” (Oct. 1) (Limerick)

Friday, October 1st, 2021

Although I share this woman’s fondness for cold sake, this limerick ISN’T about me. (Happy Sake Day!)

“No wonder our marriage was rocky;
All my ex does is eat and watch hockey.
And the chip on his shoulder
Is big as a boulder…
Plus Milwaukee has lousy cold sake.”

Dither And Yawn? (Limerick)

Thursday, September 30th, 2021

When someone mentioned the word “dither” in a word-related Facebook group I belong to, I couldn’t resist the challenge of using it in a limerick:

Indecision is dicey. Don’t dither,
Or you’ll wither while plucking that zither.
Don’t quiver and quaver!
Be brave! Never waver,
Or risk running hither and thither.

Exceedingly Silly Limerick

Monday, September 27th, 2021

A fellow I know can’t spell “sneeze;”
Also “breezes” and “freezes” and “cheese.”
Though he always tries hard,
His spelling is marred;
Triple “e’s” make the man ill at ease.