Archive for the ‘Computer Humor’ Category

Buggy Website Blues (4-Verse Limerick)

Thursday, May 19th, 2022

Dear Website, I’m caught in a snare
By your new “how’d we do?” questionnaire.
My goal is to pay
Your invoice, but NAY:
Seems I can’t, till I grievances air.

Your survey form’s blocking the page
Where the bill payer’s meant to engage.
Since it won’t let me do
What I’m here for, I’m blue,
And your webmaster’s not very sage.

You want my opinion? Here goes:
Your website’s horrendous — it blows!
Will you NOW let me pay
Your damn invoice today?
How does anyone pay what she owes!

Your rating is dreadful! Want more?
You should show all your web techs the door.
If you don’t fix your site
So your pay-page works right,
You will soon join the ranks of the poor.

A Miamian’s Vice (Limerick)

Sunday, May 8th, 2022

A fellow who hailed from Miami
Got paid to send messages spammy.
In his latest, the cad
Placed both virus and ad
For a fake Covid cure — double whammy.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NOSE or KNOWS or NOES at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 16, 2022)

Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NOSE or KNOWS or NOES at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SECURITY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SECURITY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 17, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 16, 2022, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my NOSE or KNOWS or NOES-rhyme limerick:

A fellow named Joe often goes
To ENT docs — nasal pros.
Those rhinologists charge
Pricey fees; bills so large
That poor Joe’s forced to pay through the nose.

And here’s my SECURITY-themed limerick:

Though the homebuilder does know the score,
His computer security’s poor.
So to no one’s surprise,
He’s been hacked. You’ll surmise:
Someone readily found the back door.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Facebook Gripes (Limerick)

Monday, March 7th, 2022

While on Facebook, folks often complain
About comments that drive them insane.
If you’re truly annoyed,
They’re a breeze to avoid:
“Unfollowing” blocks all that pain.

Verboten Visitors (Limerick)

Tuesday, March 1st, 2022

A creature who goes by “James Bot”
Spams my blog ev’ry day. Yes, a lot!
And I swear that’s the name
That he uses; can’t blame
You for doubts. But it’s true. Kid you not!

Putting “Thank-Yous” On Hold (Limerick)

Monday, February 7th, 2022

This Jonathon Owen tweet reawakened one of my old pet peeves and inspired my limerick: “Hold music that is interrupted every two seconds by a message thanking you for your patience and asking you to remain on the line is a form of psychological torture.”

Dear “Firms Who Use Music-On-Hold,”
Moldy messages swiftly grow old.
I’m not “patiently waiting.”
Don’t thank me; it’s grating.
So stop breaking in! I’m not sold!

A Heart To Heart About Bots (Limerick)

Tuesday, December 28th, 2021

I enjoy playing Hearts against bots.
Do they win many times? Alas, lots!
But they don’t stop to snack,
And they never talk smack.
They don’t gloat or take shots or share thoughts.

(Happy Card Playing Day! It falls each year on December 28.)

A Knotty Issue (Limerick)

Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

“Though it’s fine that my boyfriend is naughty,
A bit bossy and bad-ass and dotty,
His obsession with bots
Has me tied up in knots.
So I can’t tie the knot with that hottie.”

It’s Mouse Day! (Limerick)

Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Today we must honor the mouse.
Not the rodent, of course, or I’d grouse.
It’s the patent-grant day
For the mouse-gizmo. Yay!
(For a rodent, I’d rope in my spouse.)

(On Nov 17, 1970, Douglas Engelbart was granted the patent for the first computer mouse.)

Computer Confusion (Limerick)

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

A fellow, when told to reboot,
Was bewildered; this didn’t compute.
It was clear from his face,
As he bent to unlace,
That technology’s NOT his strong suit.

Happy “Treat Your Webmaster or Webmistress Day?” (Limerick)

Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Happy “Treat Your Webmaster or Webmistress Day.” (July 6)

“Treat Your Webmaster/Webmistress Day!”
How exciting! Hip Hip and Hooray!
But wait! I’ve a plight
And can’t celebrate right:
Who’s my webmaster? I am! Oy Vey!

AWOL Paper (Limerick)

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Does anyone else miss paper menus and train schedules? In New York City, at least, they’ve both disappeared — their elimination an apparent byproduct of the Covid pandemic.

Paper train-schedule? Thing of the past.
Paper menu? It too didn’t last.
Their replacement? Your phone,
Where such data is shown.
Your cell phone ain’t “smart?” Best act fast!

A Grating Upgrade (Limerick)

Sunday, April 11th, 2021

Had a four-day-long mess at my site;
Server upgrade (gone bad) caused the blight.
The encoding set wrong
Made me long for a bong.
But it’s fin’ly been fixed, bit by byte.

An IPad Convert?

Tuesday, February 19th, 2019

I hate learning to use new devices. And that explains my multi-year resistance to buying an iPad. (That, plus my carpal tunnel-wrists, which make any small keyboard an extra challenge.)

Anyway, Mark’s been an iPad devotee for many years. And a few weeks ago, I finally allowed him to talk me into buying one. (A great Amazon sale price, combined with the daunting prospect of countless hours away from my laptop during a then upcoming Dallas trip to see Mark’s ailing mother, was enough to convince me.)

It arrived, and I was an almost immediate convert.

But the one thing that did drive me crazy (besides learning to copy/paste on an iPad) was the different layouts you have to deal with when switching to the iPad app version of a given site.

The Twitter app, in particular, drove me nuts. How I cursed it out throughout our 12 days in Dallas.

Why did it have to be so damn different and confusing?

And how would I ever manage to alternate between tweeting on an iPad and doing it on my trusty laptop?

I’m feeling a bit guilty now. Why? Because when I finally got back to my laptop, I made a surprising discovery:

It turns out that Twitter’s done a major site overhaul across all devices, which just happened to coincide with our trip. And the new laptop version is virtually the same as the iPad app version.

So learning to use the spanking new Twitter on my laptop?

No problemo!

Limerick Ode To Internet Day (October 29)

Monday, October 29th, 2018

Is the Net good or bad at its core?
For it’s frequently hard to adore.
But on “Internet Day”
All in all, I must say
That it DOES make us hard to ignore.

Search Engine Ode (Limerick)

Saturday, April 21st, 2018

When your site’s on the first page of Bing
And Google, you whistle and sing,
Cuz your marketing plan
Just might work. You’re “The Man,”
As your Net takes a large upward swing.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BOOT at the end of any one line

Saturday, December 9th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BOOT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HYPOCRISY, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HYPOCRISY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 24, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 23, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

My computer refuses to boot.
This is brutal! And backup? Oh shoot!
My backup drive crashed.
I’m in hell! All’s been trashed!
Might as well go get smashed on some Brut.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Just In Time For Book Lovers Day (Limerick)

Saturday, November 7th, 2015

Just in time for Book Lovers Day, celebrated both on the first Saturday of November and on August 9:

Like most of my friends I love books,
And I don’t want to read them on Nooks
Or other devices;
Real paper entices.
Don’t dare give me pity-filled looks!

A Window Into My Guilt (Limerick)

Wednesday, May 6th, 2015

A Window Into My Guilt (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You’re sure to encounter frustration
With laptops, when spilling libation:
Your computer won’t thrive,
You may lose your hard drive,
And you’ll likely face defenestration.

The Almost Naked Truth

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

I love this headline: “Mother, 29, who ran through hotel naked ‘after her friend stole her pants’ is slapped with an obscenity charge.”

Not only did it make me laugh, but it reminded me of my own personal experience, memorialized in this humor column I wrote way back in the Twentieth Century:

A Traveler’s Net Woes
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not — technically — asleep?
2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not — technically — dressed?

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to ask these questions when my husband Mark invited me to join him for a six-week Boston business trip. So I had to learn the answers the hard way:
1. No.
2. He will remain — technically — asleep.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back when my husband urged me to accompany him, all I could focus on was:
1. Whether I could pack my cappuccino machine;
2. Whether I’d get any writing done so far from home; and
3. Whether we’d have reliable net access in our room.

Okay, I admit it: I’m a little — okay a lot — hooked on cappuccino and the on-line life. And I never — ever — go to sleep without reading my email and surfing the web.

Anyway, Mark managed to convince me that working out of a hotel room in a strange city would inspire new, creative ideas. He also swore that Boston is a modern city with lots of cappuccino and Internet connections. So I reluctantly accompanied him, after packing enough gear for a year.

We checked in late that first night, and the accommodations (paid for by Mark’s client) were luxurious. But I gave no thought to our lovely hotel, the sites and sounds of Boston, or the excitement of living in a new city. While Mark unpacked, requested a wake-up call, and ooohed and aaahed at the view, I foraged for a modem connection. Only one view mattered to me — the blank one on my laptop screen.

Finally, I had the computer set up. I began to relax, happy in the knowledge that any minute I’d … What’s this? An error message? What did they mean “no dial tone”?

It must be some mistake, I told myself, as I tried to sign on again and again and again. After a dozen failed attempts I was even reduced to violating my “don’t crawl on a strange rug” rule. Struggling to reach the wall behind the desk and bed, I squeezed my arm into places it didn’t belong, pulling and pushing and tugging at anything that looked important. And trying to spot a loose connection … aside from the one in my brain.

Now a normal person would probably have given up and gone to bed after 10 or 20 or 30 failed attempts to sign on-line. (By this time, Mark had been asleep nearly an hour.) But the more disconnects I got, the more determined I was to access my net account. Am I stubborn? Yes. Plus I really needed my pre-sleep fix.

So I persisted, all the while cursing out computers, the hotel, my husband’s client, and my husband, who apparently enjoys having his bed shoved across the room while he’s sound asleep.

Then it hit me — the kind of revelation one only gets way past midnight. I’d simply phone the concierge, and he’d do some concierge type thing and get it fixed. So I picked up the phone and — you guessed it — it was as dead as my modem.

You moron, I castigated myself, as I tried to guess whether I was being personally singled out for email deprivation.

Just then, I heard a sound in the hall. Eager to find out if anyone else had phone service, and forgetting that my attire (or lack thereof) would get me arrested in many countries, I rushed out the door, wedging it open with a shoe. Luckily (I thought) the sounds were coming from the next room, whose door was ajar.

“Do you have phone service?” I asked a female guest, who was still gripping her luggage.

She didn’t answer. Instead she stared at me blankly, no doubt wondering why some barefoot, barely clad crazy woman was standing in her doorway at 3 a.m.

“Do you have phone service?” I repeated.

“No speak English,” she said, as she put down her suitcase and looked around the room, possibly for a weapon. Now desperate, I attempted to mime talking on the phone. But she apparently didn’t speak mime either.

At this point, I’m afraid I did something that can only be characterized as insane; I strode into the room, walked right past her to the far end, and picked up her phone. It was dead. This was good news, because you need a phone to get someone arrested for trespass.

I put the receiver down and belatedly began to apologize. But the woman ignored me — she was embroiled in some incomprehensible dialogue with a man (her husband?) who had apparently been in the bathroom when I invaded their room. Were they plotting my demise?

I crossed the room as quickly as I could and darted past them, hoping they wouldn’t try to stop me. And that they understood the meaning of the word “sorry.”

Finally I made it out of there, and they slammed the door behind me. Relieved, I turned toward my room and, after tripping over my failed-wedge shoe, I discovered another shut door — my own.

Ten minutes of door pounding later I was still stranded in the hall, and Mark (who can sleep through anything) was still sound asleep.

By now I was more or less resigned to going to bed without reading my e-mail. But no way was I sleeping in the hall.

I probably would have continued my futile pounding, but adding the crime of “destroying the peace” to trespass didn’t seem wise. And getting thrown out of the hotel probably wouldn’t help Mark’s consultant/client relations.

But what else could I do? I couldn’t very well take the elevator downstairs and beg the concierge for a key while I was dressed like this, could I?

Apparently, I could. I started down the hallway, moving as quickly as I could manage, and fervently hoping I wouldn’t meet anyone en route. Fortunately, every reasonably sane person was asleep by then. So the halls and elevator were empty, and I even made it down eight floors to the lobby nonstop. I was so relieved, I didn’t even mind the strange looks I got from the couple getting on as I got off. Or the amused grin from the concierge when I told him I needed help.

“Phone problems?” he asked, looking me up and down.

“For starters,” I answered.

“Sorry, everything’s down at least until late morning. Anything else I can do for you?”

“Yes, I locked myself out of my room. Could you…?”

“Yes, I can see you did. Hold on and I’ll get my keys.”

“This is very embarrassing.”

He took another look and grinned again. “No problem. I’ve seen a lot worse.”

Throughout the elevator ride up and the walk to my room he regaled me with tales of locked-out guests stranded in garb that made me appear ready for a full dress ball. Then he placed his key in the door and said, “Do you have any ID?”

“What?” I said, beginning to panic. “Where would I…?”

“Just kidding,” he said as he unlocked the door.

Safely back in my room, I found Mark sound asleep. Exhausted and angry, I stared at him, willing him awake. I could have been kidnapped from the room in the middle of the night, and he would never have known. I could have …

Suddenly, Mark sat up. “What is it?” he said.

“Didn’t you notice I was gone?”

“What are you talking about? One sec. I have to go to the bathroom.”

“What were you saying?” Mark said as he climbed back into bed.

“Never mind. But you should set your alarm. The phones are broken, and you probably won’t get that wake-up call.”

“Thanks,” he said as he fiddled with the clock and lay back down to sleep. “What did you do to their phones?” he added just before he began to snore.