Archive for March, 2024

The Pros(e) And Cons Of English (Limerick)

Sunday, March 31st, 2024

Written English is often bemusing
And it’s frequently downright confusing.
But it can be the source
Of fun wordplay, of course…
When my lazy-ass muse isn’t snoozing.

Anyone Else Have This Problem? (Limerick)

Monday, March 25th, 2024

Ev’ry day, I attempt to learn words.
But my tries are, alas, for the birds,
Cuz each word I accrue
Makes my aging brain spew
At least two, thrust aside much like turds.

Wanderlust? Not Me! (Limerick)

Sunday, March 24th, 2024

I’ve no need to go hither and yonder,
For I never have lusted to wander.
I prefer to stay home,
Where no antelopes roam.
Of the views at “Chez Kane” I’m far fonder.

The Unbearable Air (Limerick)

Saturday, March 23rd, 2024

An old woman kept humming an air;
A refrain that her spouse could not bear.
“Stop that racket!” he shrieked.
She refused, so he freaked.
Will she do it again? Alas, NE’ER!

Wicked Old Woman (Limerick)

Friday, March 22nd, 2024

An old woman, both wealthy and mean,
Had a home that was fit for a queen.
She’d knock staffers as thieves
And throw rocks at poor Jeeves…
Who took vengeance by “venting” her spleen.

Just In Time For French Language Day (Limerick)

Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

At one time, I spoke French rather well,
But my French-speaking skill’s gone to hell.
They say “use it, or lose it.”
(In my case, abuse it.)
Mon français n’est ni joli ni belle.

French Language Day is celebrated annually on March 20th.

My Unathletic Career (Limerick)

Saturday, March 16th, 2024

My endurance in gym class was poor.
I was slow, klutzy, small, and what’s more,
The mere sight of a ball
Made me duck. After all,
My two goals were “Break nothing! Don’t score!”

The Reluctant Spy (Limerick)

Saturday, March 16th, 2024

When a fellow was told he must spy
On his boss, he said “Never! Not I!
He’s terrific to work for,
A treasure to clerk for,
The best boss that money can buy!”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SHOT or SHOTS at the end of any one line.(Submission Deadline: April 6, 2024)

Saturday, March 9th, 2024

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SHOT or SHOTS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PICTURES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PICTURE-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 7, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 6, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SHOT or SHOTS-Rhyme Limerick:

“That damn bartender’s AWOL,” said Scott
To his prep cook. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
“Though I’ve never mixed drinks,
I can do it, methinks,
So I gladly will give it a shot.”

And here’s my Picture-Themed Limerick:

“Gotta rush to the bookshop. I’m late!
I am meeting another blind date.
And that chick better look
Like her pic, or I’ll book
It, cuz boy, am I sick of pic-bait!”

And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

An old woman who loved to complain,
Was neurotic and stubborn and vain.
When her doctor prescribed
Her a cane, the gal gibed:
“That will ruin my look. Where’s your brain?”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (519)

Saturday, March 9th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny and timely two-verse limerick:

That passenger flight went awry
While thousands of feet in the sky.
A window seat door
Wasn’t there any more;
Unbolted, it fell from on high.

And now their commercial can say:
“Come fly with us – starting today.
Our Boeing Max 9
Is a new plane so fine;
Its features will blow you away!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He was trapped when the burglars broke in,
Tied with ropes from his toes to his chin.
But his son heard him call,
And he bit through them all –
He was saved by the teeth of his kin.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever “Venus de Milo” limerick which uses at least two of these five words: LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.

What’s up with her schmata? (A dress?)
She sure didn’t “drape” for success!
With no arms, life’s unfair.
You can’t fix your own hair.
Ms. Milo’s a classical mess!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Marc Davidson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Bindy Bitterman, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:


Terry Marter:

Observers conject as to why
Mona Lisa’s smile looks kinda wry.
Despite the belief
That she ain’t got no teef
There’s now proof that she’d just screwed her guy.

Tim James:

I looked at the bottle of rye.
It was 86 proof. With a sigh,
I imbibed (to excess)
And woke up in a mess,
Missing teeth. Now the riddle is: Why?


Terry Marter:

A gleaming-white-smile kinda guy,
Screwed his dentist’s wife once, on the sly.
Since the dentist’s revenge,
His teeth look like Stonehenge,
Lots of gaps and all angled awry.


Tim James:

By a fantasy he was inspired
To make love on a bike. This required
That he be fit and spry.
But it all went awry:
When he tried it, it made him two tired.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When it used to be Siri and me,
I was happy as happy can be.
But it all went awry
When this open AI
Started blabbing on ChatGPT.

Bob Turvey:

Said an actress, “Oh my goodness me!
Archbishop – your hand’s on my knee!
You’ve a glint in your eye…
And your vestment’s awry!
And you haven’t yet paid me the fee!”

Marc Davidson:

I’m giving gymnastics a try,
For I’m feeling uncommonly spry.
But I’m booking, you betcha,
Two guys with a stretcher,
in case my attempt goes awry.

Fred Bortz:

There once was an atheist guy
Who decided to give God a try.
What led him to choose
To commune with the Jews?
The kosher dill pickles and rye!

Robert Schechter:

I thought I’d give baking a try.
It didn’t go well. I won’t lie.
The recipe said
I was baking white bread,
But somehow my plans went a rye.

Tim James:

Said a woman whose outlook was wry:
“Why do men always think they must lie?
Seven inches? No way!
Mark my words when I say:
I can measure such objects by eye.”


Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once, the tooth fairy used to buy back,
Any tooth — be it pearly or black.
The prize for a chomper,
When I wore a romper
Was cash. Now it’s just some old plaque.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Leonardo da Vinci’s Request”

“You look great in that Renaissance style,
But your ugly teeth stick out a mile.
Kindly breathe through your nose
To assume a new pose.
Mona, please try a more subtle smile.”

Robert Schechter:

I thought I was dining on cattle,
But chewing became a great battle.
I found out the truth
When I busted a tooth
On the stud of a fine English saddle.

Terry Marter:

Here’s a tongue-in-cheek tale of a sleuth
Who is well past the prime of his youth.
The defective detective
Is now less effective,
Short of breath, and too long in the tooth.

Bob Turvey:

If you drive in mid-winter in Leith —
GO SLOW — or you may need a wreath;
The council’s so mean
They’ve no gritting machine –
Their advice is to grit your own teeth.

Marc Davidson:

I’m buying my dentist a wreath
For the coming demise of my teeth.
I’m down in the mouth,
For my hygiene’s gone south,
Exposing the rot underneath.

Tim James:

My dentist is cranky and old,
And his manner’s increasingly cold.
What I really can’t stand
Is his unsteady hand.
That’s what gets on my nerves, tooth be told.

Tony Holmes:

My wife’s teeth are like stars in that they
Will come out at the close of each day.
And once toothless – sans bite –
She’s a pitiful sight,
But her tongue’s just as sharp, so, “Oy vey!”

Mark Totterdell:

A fine set of teeth has the ocelot,
Though it’s true that they do make him cross a lot.
When food scraps get stuck
It’s annoying as f*ck
And if only he could he would floss a lot.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A born chiseler, one dentist Keith,
Claims, “Your smile will light up like a wreath!
For ten grand (thereabout),
These new crowns will stand out.”
So his patients all sport big-buck teeth.


Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A golfer who’s constantly gutting
It out in a rough that needs cutting,
Maybe looks to the green,
To make shots more pristine;
For the proof is (they say) in the putting.

Brian Allgar:

“Look, these charges are really unfair!
They’re riddled with lies and hot air.
The riot that day
Was messy, OK,
But there’s proof I was not even there!”

Jean McEwen:

Though my tresses look messy, the breeze
Is the reason it’s tangled. So please!
Stop critiquing my hair!
You are being unfair.
At least I do not harbor fleas!

Bindy Bitterman:

Good heavens, it’s awfully unfair
To blame ME for the mess that’s up there!
Sure, it’s under my roof
But I rent to that goof
For whom “dress-up” means clean underwear!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I got holes in the lobes of each ear,
And tattoos on my back and my rear.
Then I ventured a look,
At a skin disease book,
And now I am riddled with fear.

Fred Bortz:

An unflattering SNL spoof
Sent that narcissist Trump through the roof.
When he tweeted, “Unfair!!
I have much better hair.”
They countered, “See now we have proof.”


They roundly agree she’s a square.
On the hole Peggy’s treatment’s unfair.
If Peg had looked ’round,
I’m sure she’d have found
A square Peg’s never fitting in there!

Terry Marter:

“Visit Scotland,” they said, – look for Nessie.
So we did, – took my dumb cousin Jesse.
He jumped in for a swim,
And soon Nessie found him.
After that, things became rather messy!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Sisterly Advice (Limerick)

Thursday, March 7th, 2024

“Is that fellow the best you can get?
I’m concerned and perplexed and upset,
Also worried and puzzled.
The guy should be muzzled!
You want a wild beast? Get a pet!”

Flinging Suspicions (Limerick)

Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

“I’m convinced that my spouse had a fling,
Though he told me he’s done no such thing.
I believed him, at first,
But that bubble soon burst;
He came home the next day bearing bling.”