Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CATCH or CATCHES at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 9, 2023)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CATCH or CATCHES at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to MISTAKES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best MISTAKE-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on December 10, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 9, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CATCH/CATCHES-Rhyme Limerick:
Said a woman who’d just married Irv,
“Many friends tried to stop me. What nerve!
Do I love the guy? Natch!
He’s a wonderful catch…
Though I’m keeping divorce in reserve.”
And here’s my MISTAKE-Themed Limerick:
A thickheaded fellow named Fred
Had dreamed of becoming a Fed.
But it wasn’t to be;
In an interview, he
Kept confusing “dead drop” with “drop dead.”
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
“This table is sticky. Please clean it,”
Said a restaurant patron. “I mean it!”
“I’ll be glad to,” the server
Replied with great fervor.
“But I can’t find my rag. Have you seen it?
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Advice Humor, Advice Limerick, Competition Limerick, Divorce Humor, Food Humor, Interview Humor, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Marriage Humor, Marriage Limerick, Poetry & Prompts, Restaurant Humor, Restaurant Limerick, Writing Prompts
The contest seemed easy, so natch
I’d have entered…but there was a catch!
You were s’posed to submit
A whole week before it
Even got in the contest’s dispatch!
catch-rhyme limerick:
Cigarette lighter salesman did hatch
An elaborate plan just to catch
His old flame, win her back.
But he lost out to Zach
And admitted that he’d met his match.
mistake-themed limerick:
A levee repairman named Mike
By mistake made some ladies dislike
Him a lot. He went in
Women’s gay bar; therein,
He inquired, “Where’s the crack in the dike?”
mistake-themed limerick:
A cartographer’s really astute;
Draws relief maps of mountains. He’ll shoot
For perfection each time.
Though his maps are sublime,
When he makes a mistake, it’s a butte.
************************
From Mad Kane:
Welcome back, Kirk! So good to see you limericking once again!
Random Word Generator limerick:
Sex-starved heterosexual dates
Always look for compatible mates.
When guy sticks his hard beef
In some gals for relief,
Then it means he’s in desperate straights.
Said I to my cat, Lady Grey:
“Hey, get out of my salmon!” “No way!
And if you try to catch
Me, I’ll give you a scratch
You’ll be feeling for many a day.”
“Lady, darling, you’ve made a mistake,
And I don’t want your sweet mouth to ache
Or your dear eyes to tear
From the pepper in here —
Come, I’ve made you some unpeppered hake.”
“When I’m Prez”, said the Donald, “I’ll snatch
Every pussy that I can still catch.
If they take me to court
And refuse to be bought,
I’ll just pardon myself again, natch.”
My mistakes I will make by the batch,
And I pray my sweet wife will not catch
Every one. She’ll be watching
As I’m busy botching
Things up; she just laughs and says, “Natch!”
I avoided the last tennis match
And all football games in a batch.
I admit I’ve spent fall
In dropping the ball,
But Covid’s not something I’ll catch.
I admit I was faulty to glean
She was hustling, but still, it was mean
Of the plain-clothes young dick
To take her night-stick
And to push it in somewhere obscene.
Ooops – 3rd line should b:
Of the young plain-clothes dick
Such a lazy boat owner is Russell,
He won’t hasten, or hurry, or hustle.
High on pot, he might mull,
Over thoughts of his hull,
But, alas, without moving a mussel.
Bibi’s faulty, mean, shifty and sly;
Be responsible? Won’t even try.
“Cut the bullshit!” I’d love
To say. “Take it and shove
It –” (you know where I mean to imply.)
Do you ever make mistakes, Professor Bullshit?
“Do I make mistakes? Almost never!
My life’s a cerebral endeavor!
But once in a while,
Though it isn’t my style
My mistakes are remarkably clever.”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
My reason is very precise:
I must feel complete,
And make sure I repeat
The vey same oversight thrice.
Correction Of Limerick #14
“Do you ever make mistakes, Professor Bullshit?”
“Do I make mistakes? Almost never!
My life’s a cerebral endeavor.
Though it isn’t my style,
Ev’ry once in a while
The mistakes that I make are real clever.
The “Dependable” Pharmacy near Senescent Heights
The clerks always know when they’re coming,
Cuz a diff’rent song they are all humming.
Now and then, someone’s mean
When they’re not feeling clean.
Most Seniors have real faulty plumbing.
I was sick of forever inqur’ing,
“Do you know any man who’s desi’ring
Of sex, and of pot?”
So I bought me a bot.
Who drooped, due to real faulty wiring.
To make errors, ‘tis said, is the lot
Of all humans, but helpful it’s not.
And the humans most irksome,
Annoying and jerksome,
Are the ones who don’t learn – may they rot!
I am haunted on cold, winter nights,
By the errors of youth. The delights –
Wine and women, fast cars,
Making love ‘neath the stars –
These I should have been doing, by rights.
CATCH or CATCHES
Our garden gate has a spring catch
And below it a lockable latch.
They are such good deterrents
For passing by errants
That are hoping our riches to snatch!
MISTAKES
I no longer try to make cakes|
‘Cos I’ve made just too many mistakes
So now I go shop
For a dark creamy top
At a local store making such fakes.
FAULTY, HUSTLE, MEAN, POT, STICK
So I scrape faulty cakes with my stick
From a pot which my tongue cannot lick.
I suppose I could hustle,
But I don’t have the muscle
Which I mean I would need to be slick.
There once was a man they called Patch
who ladies thought was a good catch
but then changed their take
learning his bad eye was fake
and he just wore the patch for panache.
I’m submitting this under ‘Mistakes’, my mistake being, giving in to middle-age spread.
I haven’t seen Willy for years. Such
Good friends, we were. Can’t have changed much.
Since my belly betrayed,
Willy lives in the shade – –
But I’m tactile – we’re keeping in touch.
When fishing from piers got too old,
Rod tried ice fishing (just to be bold).
He imagined he’d snatch.
From the lake a big catch,
But all that he caught was a cold.
She thought he would be a great catch;
Seemed obvious they were a match.
His view of the game
Wasn’t nearly the same;
Another to add to the batch.
Here’s my CATCH/CATCHES-Rhyme Limerick:
A subway straphanger named Craig
took the Metro due East from the Hague.
Though he wanted to catch
this year’s Rotterdam match,
what he caught was the Omicron plague.
Here’s my MISTAKE-Themed Limerick:
A Manhattan cabbie named Jake
took a fare who kept shouting to brake.
When they got to Times Square,
Jake yelled back, “Grow a pair!
In this town, slowing down’s a mistake.”
How is it that Trump’s mistakes
And all his news, which is fake
And all his excuses
While he cooks in his juices
Don’t seal his eternal fate?
Chinese dumplings aren’t easy to fry;
They cling fast to the pan when I try.
“It’s my fault!” I exclaimed.
Said my wife, “Don’t be shamed;
They’re called ‘pot stickers,’ dear. This is why.”
Am I cheery? Most certainly not!
I’ve been shaking and sweating a lot!
My condition’s severe.
The reason is clear:
I just smoked some real faulty pot.
Ms. Eliza Cockney At “Fine Dining” Restaurant
“Her words, OMG, need a patch
With one letter I’d like to attach.
She ordered pota’oes
And Cherry toma’oes
I can’t stand her real harsh glottal catch.”
I have erred on the grandest of scales.
‘Pared to me, Donald’s naughtiness pales.
I am everywhere sought.
If I ever get caught,
You can count on it – I’m telling tales!
Continuing with the mistakes theme:
It’s so easy to let oneself go.
Je regret that I know this is so.
Just one more – all right, two –
And what happens to you?
You’ve a waistline and butt overflow.
“Smoke this pot; you’ll be feelin’ okay.
Real relaxed; and be laugh’in away.
Yet I hustled my butt
To “The Sweet Munchies Hut”
At least 20 times just today.”
Limerick challenge using “catch”
A wandering minstrel named Patch
Of fish tried to rein in a catch
Setting foot on the bank
He slipped down and sank,
Now he sings with the fish down the hatch.
One young lady agreed to a match,
With the richest old man she could catch.
The decision seemed rash,
But she married for cash.
It appears she was itching for scratch.
She’s mean and berates him for hours.
But Basil, that snob, never cowers.
Remember that show?
44 years ago:
The one-of-a-kind “Fawlty Towers”
(British Sitcom)
A man with a peg leg and patch
Used Tinder to find him a match
His only reply
Was a shark who said, “Hi”
“You look like you could be a catch!”
Brooklyn, 1950, “Stickball”
In Brooklyn, a stick was the bat.
That’s all the kids had; that was that.
The mommies got mean
And rather obscene,
When they yelled, “Where’s my broom handle, brat?”
You may think I’m an arrogant flake,
But for years I have managed to make
Not one error or blunder.
I’m really a wonder!
Just think … not a single misteak!
Though he likes to stick moves in snug pants,
Seems “The Hustle” is not John’s best dance.
When he works up a sweat,
Then his tights get all wet,
Which may dampen his chance for romance.
Their ad says you’ll get a free phone
By trading the one that you own.
I brought mine right in;
“You’re mistaken – can’t win”.
“That one works with landlines alone.”
Go Yankees! Jose Trevino!
He crouches all day on his “patch.”
Doesn’t even have time for a scratch.
Got his special flu shot
For athletes who squat.
That’s one bug that the catcher won’t catch.
(Jose Trevino: catcher for the N.Y. Yankees)
There was somebody way down below
Who stole my cool Limbo Stick, so
He must have been mean
Cuz he never came clean.
Now really, how low can you go?
If bad luck’s what you’re trying to catch,
Go ahead and put three on that match.
This is not superstition;
It’s clear premonition.
Light up and you’ll die with dispatch.
I’ve made countless mistakes o’er the years—
Learned life’s lessons through blood, sweat, and tears.
And I’ve paid a high price
For ignoring advice
I unwisely let fall on deaf ears.
When I try to prepare a risotto,
I always, somehow, miss the boat. So
Rice sticks to the pot.
It turns gummy, like snot!
One would think I’d been born in Kyoto.
An unwritten law in Peru
A massive faux pas and taboo
And not only here
But the whole worldly sphere
Is a floating, unflushable poo
(mistake theme)
A scatterbrained girl, Annie Ferrer
Discovered that she’d made an error
She went out her house
With only a blouse
And the neighbourhood boys fled in terror
There’s a lusty young fellow from Natchez;
When he gets carnal itches, he scratches.
He thinks condoms a bane,
Which would tend to explain
All the social diseases he catches.
A young ballerina, they say,
Was doing the “Hustle” one day.
Though her critics were mean,
It had to be seen.
She added a sexy plié.
A well-meaning lady named Dot
Was brilliant at stirring the pot
The talk of the town
Who made the chef frown
For THAT was all talent she got
I always bake flavorful cake’s.
People say, “Shes a chef when she bake’s?
Cuz they arent to sweet.
And distasteful too eat.”
And I ain’t ever made no mistake’s.
“Betty Crocked Recipe”
Fix this nosh. It’s a dynamite kicker.
With a buzz even stronger than liquor.
Grind up one cup of bhang,
Elmer’s glue for some tang.
And voila! You’ve made one yum pot sticker.
A rusty old pot on attack,
Was calling an old kettle black;
And that was plain mean.
It, itself, had no sheen;
And a sine qua non it did lack.
As my brother, the statesman has said,
“Faulty “Big Shots” are very widespread.
They clearly stick out
Cause they’re using their clout.
Such as carrot tops lacking a head.”
“On this diet,” said tubby Miss Take,
“I miss fruit. I miss eggs. I miss steak.
I miss bread. I miss cheese.
I miss fish. I miss peas.
I MISS FOOD – the whole thing’s a mistake.”
On a ferry man-mad old Miss Patch,
Fell straight through a large open hatch.
She was caught by a seaman
Who looked like a he-man,
“Good gracious, “she said, “What a catch.”
The arrival of zips – joy of joys! –
Gave us speedier access to toys.
No more fumbling with catches
To free what detaches,
And more time for us boys to be boys.
But the advent of Velcro? Bad taste,
As it smacks of an indecent haste.
It adds spice if a maid
Is a teensy bit staid,
And pretends that she’d rather be chaste.
My pot roast came out, roasted pot.
The cooking was faulty, distraught.
So I had to hustle,
With new meal to rustle.
A mean grilled cheese sandwich they got.
An error, faux pa or mistake,
How many big goofs can one make?
I’m Queen of the Blunder,
And so it’s no wonder,
Misfortune is my brand new namesake.
His illnesses come in swift batches,
Since every bad bug that he catches.
His wife thinks that Joe
Is made up of Velcro,
For to him all virus attaches.
He asked all his friends to invest.
But seems like his schemes, not the best.
Before funds dispatches,
They wonder what catch is?
Which he does deny, when he’s pressed.
Elementary School Was Not A Happy Time For Me
I was in “Faulty Art” class. What’s that?
It’s for students as dumb as a rat.
I was only a kid,
So here’s what I did:
I drew stick figures who were all fat.
“DAD! DAD! There’s a poisonous snake!”
Dad said, “You have made a mistake.
A poison’s ingested
A venom’s injected
Besides – it’s a foam-rubber fake.”
Last week when I rowed on a lake
The wife trailed her hand in the wake.
But the bung from the boat –
Which keeps it afloat –
I’d left on the shore – a mistake!
One old stick-in-the-mud never budged,
And turned mean ev’ry time he was nudged.
When asked asked, “What’s there to show,
For no get-up-and-go?”
“Stick-to-itiveness,” he adjudged.
Aargh. Sorry for typo, and ask ask your forbearance.
One old stick-in-the-mud never budged,
And turned mean ev’ry time he was nudged.
When asked, “What’s there to show,
For no get-up-and-go?”
“Stick-to-itiveness,” he adjudged.
I must tell you about my friend Gene.
Who once was a naval marine.
He was kicked in the tush
By H.W. Bush
(A stickler for being real mean)
(He actually served in the Marine Corps)
Carpet layers have such expertise.
Always stick to their jobs with great ease.
They all love to dance.
You should not look askance
When they hustle and rock on their knees.
Mistake themed limerick:
A fellow who feels like a chump,
Had voted for Donald J. Trump,
“I thought he was cool,
But no, he’s just cruel,
His mind is a vile toxic dump.”
Former Spelling Teacher Wins Bingo At Senior Village (mistake theme)
I won Bingo tonight! What a score!
Like a blue bird I started to soar!
Hey! don’t think it’s not hard
To pick the right card!
I’ve never won Bingo B4.
Jack’s poor Ma knew her son was a flake,
But in spite of it, let the boy take,
Their remaining cash cow,
Off to market. Then wow —
Did that kid make a giant mistake!
He’s a hustler who’s mean when on pot,
But just look at the girlfriend he’s got!
She’s so brainy and fine,
Yet she sticks with that swine.
Her judgment’s not faulty; it’s shot.
“Lusty lim’ricks we keep in our coffers,”
Assured Gene from a zine run by scoffers.
“If verses aren’t salty,
We deem them as faulty.
Those we stick in the file, ‘Nodder-offers.'”
There once was a man who would thatch
His roof with old socks and some patch;
When it started to rain,
Cats would dance and mice feign;
Till those domestic wild animals had some catch
Mistake themed limerick:
There was a young virgin named Pearl,
Who thought to give childbirth a whirl.
It seems all along,
The plumbing was wrong,
The virgin’s name should have been Earl.
Doggie Tricks
My name’s Fido. I hustle real quick.
Ev’ry day I am taught a new trick.
They’re not really fun,
Cause I need only one:
To bark softly and look for a stick.
There once was a fellow named Jim.
Who often did things on a whim.
When he jumped in the lake
It was a mistake.
He first should have learned how to swim.
At first, Dickie gave me a hickey.
Didn’t like it, cause Dickie was tricky.
Next, he gave me some pot.
Changed my mind: “Boy! He’s hot!
Then bestowed on me something real sticky.
“Top Hat” At Senior Village
How I loved my brand-new walking stick.
But I lost it the day I got sick.
Then “Shenanigans Greene”
Who was known to be mean.
Stole my stick for his Fred Astaire shtick.
Correction Of Above Limerick
“Top Hat” at Senior Village”
How I loved my brand-new walking stick.
But I lost it the day I got sick
A man who was mean
Named Shenanigans Greene
Stole my stick for his Fred Astaire shtick.
I once met a young lady called Glad,
Which was odd because she was quite sad.
“My mistake,” said the girl,
“Was to give sex a whirl –
Now I’m pregnant and can’t find the dad.”
The guy was a lovable rake.
Of life’s pleasures he’d always partake.
But he’s now settled down.
All day long he does frown.
Getting married was just a mistake.
Bathroom Remodeling Mistake
We felt overwhelming dismay
When we saw our new bathroom today.
The sink was light blue.
And the toilet was too.
But the “holder” was 10 feet away.
A valiant plan I did hatch.
That miscreant, Trump, I’d dispatch
And send him to hell;
But there’s a whole cell
Of his lawyers down there. That’s the catch.
A revision of my Nov. 18th submission:
A new pot once did go on attack,
By calling an old kettle black;
And that was plain mean.
It, itself, had no sheen;
And the name “Le Creuset”, it did lack.
Tonight’s Thanksgiving Dinner: Dear Aunt Gertrude,
“I’m really not mean, but that meal
Was certainly lacking appeal.
Your cooking was faulty.
Ev’ry course was too salty.
Was it “Jack-In-The-Box? What’s the deal?”
Old mistakes, which were legion, these days
Are returning to haunt me. Displays
Come unbidden I find,
Seizing hold of my mind – –
But they don’t last for long as it strays.
“To be human, ‘tis said, is to err—”
“That reminds me – What? – yes, no demur.
But the point I would make,
He who n’er made mistake
Never had any fun.” “I concur.”
My mistake, which in hindsight, I see
Was admitting I yearned to be free.
I had no sooner spoken
Our contract was broken – –
She had lawyers on speed-dial – poor me!
C-ubs, of course, are the best team in town.
A-nd Barnhart can slickly crouch down.
T-hose grand defense skills
C-ause on-lookers thrills.
H-e’s a man with great “Wrigley” renown.
(Tucker Barnhart is a catcher for the Chicago Cubs
The other team in Chicago is the White Sox)
(acrostic)
I’m aware that my girl is a catch,
So I’ll do what she wants me to, natch:
Wash her car, buy her jewels,
Fix her stuff with my tools,
Snatch her kiss when I can (and vice versa).
A stick bug repeated verbatim:
“I’m a twig, I’m a twig. That’s the datum.”
By this means of illusion,
He hid from intrusion,
Till a termite (who bought the lie) ate him.
Said old Jack at his doctor’s appointment,
“Each loo trip is just disappointment”.
“Your mistake,” the doc said
Is when you went to bed,
You used superglue as pile ointment”.
Mother’s Suggestion To Her 60 Year Old Unmarried Daughter:
“Times a’ Wastin”
“In the trash room I’ve found you a match.
He has herpes, thus often he’ll scratch.
This man’s lacking a job
And looks like a slob.
Darling daughter, he’s such a good catch.”
Pentameter? Let it be banned.
No mistake. It’s slow-footed and bland.
But balm for the ear
Is trimeter. Y’hear?
It moves having three feet on hand.
The unmatched Lady Guinevere’s snatch,
With its chastity belt and its latch,
Remained a blocked slot,
For alas, Lancelot
Was no match for a snatch with a catch.
“Mistakes were made.” That’s a cliché.
It’s a passive-voice way not to say
Who screwed up, who’s to blame.
It’s a con artist’s game
Whereby those at fault all get away.
Lady Guinevere lit up a match,
Near the snatch that knights knew was a catch,
“’Now you’re cooking with gas’
Is tattooed on my ass”,
She explained, as the flame singed her thatch.
tongue twister with random words:
Peter Piper likes peppers he’ll pick.
Luke Luck likes lakes ducks like to lick.
I like coffee served proper
From coffee pot copper
And a chopstick shop’s stocked top shop stick.
Lady Guinevere lit up a match,
Near the snatch that knights knew was a catch,
“A medieval lost art,
The Arthurian fart”,
She exclaimed, as the flame singed her thatch.
The unmatched Lady Guinevere’s snatch,
With its chastity belt, was the catch,
There remained the blocked slot,
For alas, Lancelot
Was no match for a latch with a thatch.
Mad: A couple of these don’t have the “catch” ending and need to be deleted. Oops. B.
I make countless mistakes, to the MAX!
Do I worry? No sir! I relax!
Not to brag, I’m a pro
Cuz I’ve got this M.O. :
I remember to cover my tracks.
“Some Place More Laid-Back”
The hustle of wild County Cork
Is stressing sweet Patrick O’Rourke.
He said “Folks here are mean.
I need a new scene.
Begorra! I’ll move to New York.
Some lim’ricks have reached a new low.
I mean it and have to say so.
If you think they’re just salty,
Your thinking is faulty.
They’re potty-mouthed smut, you should know.
The chick from the egg duly hatches,
But mystery quickly attaches:
The process reversed
Ponders which one came first?
A sequel to Schrödinger’s catches …
I’m an expert in blunders and gaffes,
In cock-ups and bloopers, so laughs
Doth follow me round:
For example; I’ve found
That my lim’ricks are often faux leather
And furthermore confused as to length, meter and rhyme scheme etc.
This curry, my man, is quite faulty;
It sticks to the pot does this Balti.
I’m afraid I must hustle
And use some mean muscle –
I ain’t paying, this dish is so salty!
Lady Guinevere strikes up a match,
Lights a fart near her Knight-weary snatch;
“Ain’t my beautiful ass
Just a natural gas”,
She proclaims, as her thatch starts to catch.
(my favorite so far)
„of the day, what is the catch?“
Asked the French tourist with panache.
„We have sardines today,
In mustard sauce, ole!
For you wrapped up in old Paris-Match!“
Taking naps on wine tours is fine
After sipping lots of different wine.
But it’s clearly a mistake
If your iPhone crooks should take
And your signature those bums learn to sign.
A stick-in-the-mud ain’t no fun.
When I sight one I hustle and run.
But it’s fun for my “Spot”
It’s like finding some pot.
And the best treasure under the sun.
CORRECTION OF ABOVE LIMERICK
A stick-in-the-mud sure ain’t fun.
When I sight one, I hustle and run.
But for my doggie, Spot
It’s like finding some pot.
And the best treasure under the sun.
1950, Mama’s beloved invention: Frozen Dinners
After work, Mama hustled to buy
Lots of meals in a large bulk supply.
She divorced Harry Johnson
To marry Clarke Swanson.
In support of his chicken pot pie.
With nostalgia for disco, old Russell
Hit the dance floor to do a mean hustle
Did up back so quick
Then collapsed on the kick
“Oh my God, I done tore my butt muscle!”
“We Need A Sample”
Urologist Pissy Von Scratch
Found it taxing to get a good snatch
Of pee pee from Judd,
Cuz she always found crud.
And she never did get a “clean catch”
The lovely bright lady, Miss Takes
Was renowned for her fairy cakes
She confused her oven temps
Over Fahrenheit and cents
Alfred and she both burnt their cakes
MISSED STEAK
Young carnivores keen to pitch woo
Had reserved a smart table for two
But they’d made a mistake
As the meat was all fake
And their ribeye was made of tofu
Mistakes Theme: A strange day for the O.R. assistant
Dr. Scope is a consummate pro.
Don’t know why, but today he felt low.
Though he didn’t go south,
And backed up to the mouth.
The last thing I heard was, OH ! NO ! “
OR
Doc Emiction’s a surgical pro.
Today he felt terribly low.
He removed a right hand.
That’s not what was planned.
The last thing I heard was, OH ! NO!
When a lawyer was asked to present a plea,
For his client (a raving mad entity),
He said, “Sorry to say,
Don’s not himself today,
So we’re pleading mistaken identity.”
Two randoms plus catch
Should you ever by happenstance catch
A frumious, mean bandersnatch;
Don’t jabber, don’t ask
Or take Carroll to task.
Hustle straight to a close boobie hatch.
The pacifist, Sir Bertrand Russell
Would, if still alive, surely hustle
Off to Gaza today.
I mean he’d find a way
To start peace talks and give them some muscle.
My prostate’s a total disgrace
Causing problems that each day I face.
But make no mistake.
A precaution I take.
I use duct tape to keep it in place.
I mistook a young guy for a gal,
And they called herself Alice not Al.
We got on pretty well,
But those pronouns were hell.
I speak English as ever I shall.
The Alligator:
For the alligator, a fish was a catch
Among the great beasts worth a snatch
Suddenly he was surprised
A bird stood in his sight wide
Said, “The match challenges for a match!”
A mistake limerick.
When they tell us that crime doesn’t pay,
That’s to keep competition at bay.
But those dim misbegotten
Must flaunt their ill-gotten – –
Should we do as they do, or they say?
When the offer’s too good to be true,
Be assured, son, it is – that’s the clue.
There is always a catch:
It’s well hidden, so natch,
You’ve two choices – trust papa, or rue.
You will never develop some muscle
by failing to get up and hustle;
instead, you will not
have a gut, but a pot,
and a gluteus maximus bustle.
*************************
From Mad Kane
Welcome back to my Limerick-Offs!
An old cattle thief fastened a crupper
To his horse, named (perforce) Giddyupper.
They needed to hustle
If they meant to rustle
Up a couple of steaks for their supper.
To dress for success was his aim.
Which makes his faux pas such a shame.
His socks didn’t match
And he didn’t catch
That a pair left at home looked the same.
A fly-tying fool tries to match
The appearance of this morning’s hatch;
Casting over the lake,
He hopes he can fake
out the big one he’s trying to catch.
Grandma’s Extra-Special Brownies
You want brownies? She’ll make you a batch.
They’re fantastic, but there is a catch.
They’ll make you feel good,
like no brownie should.
She adds pot to those treats made from scratch.
The Messed-up Text
“Jimmy, I lost my pens,” Billy meant.
“May I borrow one, please?”~~Text was sent.
Oh, how careless he’d been,
putting “i” after “n.”
The reply: “Dude, some things can’t be lent!”
It was Zeus, god of lightning and thunder,
Whose loincloth was riven asunder,
When a misguided bolt
Gave the god a rude jolt,
Exposing the junk thereunder.
Last week we had met for a drink.
I was happily still in the pink.
Then we married today.
I had said: “Dear, no way!”
Does that mean I got hustled, you think?
“A Summary”
The rhyme word this cycle is “catch.”
There are so many word that will match.
The “randoms” are fun.
You need one more than one.
And most any “mistake” you can patch.
There once was a fellow named Tim
Who met a hot gal at the gym.
She thought him a catch,
So she offered her snatch.
I wish *I* were the Tim in this lim!
Goddess Gaia was quick to exalt,
Her good taste when the Earth rendered salt.
When a bad earthquake came,
Was she stuck with the blame?
No. She claimed that it wasn’t her fault.
Their hustle was clever, but faulty,
They made their potstickers too salty,
And charged a mean price
For tap water, no ice,
But it didn’t fool Sergeant McNaulty.
Attention All Limerick-Off Procrastinators: The current Limerick-Off ends this Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
The GLOBE has style we can’t match,
For the nub of each crime it’ll catch.
Of headlines, its choice,
For a large cathouse hoist,
Read – THE WHOREHOUSE – A HUNDRED BUCK SNATCH.
Annual Board Of Education Speech: Ms. Prissy Speaks (mistakes)
“Fellow colleagues, it’s now my intent
To assert that I’m far from content.
I must woefully state
That I’ve noticed of late
The days of good grammar have went.”
I think I made a rhyming error: another try (mistakes)
“Fellow colleagues, I’m far from content.
Since there’s something we cannot prevent:
It’s essential to state
That I’ve noticed of late
The days if good grammar have went.”
Only crude, vulgar persons will snatch.
To the woman of taste they’re no catch.
The respectful refined –
No less eager, you’ll find –
Stoke a passion those sleazeballs can’t match.
It perhaps was a blunder to get
A large tiger to keep as a pet,
As its claws do so catch
In my flesh with each scratch
That I’m feeling a twinge of regret.
CATCHY
~ a limerick ~
So, catch as catch can? There’s a catch…
What if you can’t catch but can snatch?
If snatch as snatch can
Is same as catch can,
Whose cans are you trying to snatch?
WRONG POT TO PISS IN
~ a limerick ~
Faulty Hussle? Nipsey’s bro? Mean!
His moms made pot stickers & beans.
He told her, “Look, Moms,
“The beans were the bomb,
“But the stickers smelled like a latrine!”
OOPS
~ a limerick ~
There’s SNAFUs and FUBARs and F-ups,
Debacles, disasters and goof-ups;
No matter the terms,
Mistakes make us squirm,
I bet you thought this line would rhyme.
When Dracula asked to be fed,
The waiter misspelt what he said.
He’d ordered a steak,
But the waiter’s mistake
Meant a stake through the heart came instead.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun Limerick-Off, which is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 516. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Goal.