MAD KANE'S HUMOR BLOG

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

At a lake, standing right at the brink,
An elephant raised a big stink:
“That damn swimming bunny
Is not a bit funny!
I hate when there’s hare in my drink!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TASTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’m becoming increasingly stout,
So my doc has a diet to tout.
“It’s so simple and neat
To decide what to eat:
If you find it tastes good, spit it out.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET.

Doctor Jones said, “Too bad you’re a smoker,
Cuz your heart functions look mediocre.
ACE Inhibitors work.”
Then he said with a smirk,
“Though they might hurt your chances in poker.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Justin OConnor, Rudy Landesman, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TASTE-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

My appetite seems to be jaded;
My taste for fine claret has faded.
I’m afraid I now drink
Mostly plonk, but I think
That the quantity has been upgraded.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I invited her up for a drink
And to show her my etchings (wink wink.)
But she turned out to be
Not a she but a he —
And from such situations I shrink.

Lisi Nortman:

At “talking the talk,” boy, I stink!
Yet, when walking, my legs are in sync.
Hence, I never should talk
While I’m “walking the walk,”
Though I’ll walk while I’m drinking the drink.

Terry Marter:

Some people, soon after one drink,
Make you wonder how low they can sink.
They’re so stupid and dumb
And appear to become
Evolution’ry scale’s missing link.

Brian Allgar:

I was hovering over the brink:
Should I have yet another stiff drink?
I’d already had six,
And they might not all mix …
What decided me? Hearing “clink, clink.”

Sharon Neeman:

While agrarian life has its charm,
Some country folk cause great alarm:
Those farmhands who think
They can drive while they drink
And not make someone else buy the farm.

Bob Turvey:

In Iran I once ordered a drink,
And the barman said, “All bears are pink?”
I said, “Don’t get arsey
I’m speaking in Farsi.”
And the Persian said, “That’s what YOU think!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At a bar, when a gentleman winks
At a lady he thinks is a minx,
And she won’t do his bidding,
It means he was kidding,
When he offered to pay for her drinks.

Tim James:

If “drank” is the past tense of “drink”
And “sank” is the past tense of “sink,”
Why did people turn red
When I recently said
“I wank” when describing a wink?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TASTE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“I’m sorry, I know it’s a waste,
But it’s got such a horrible taste.”
So she spat it all out,
Leaving me in no doubt
That she couldn’t stand anchovy paste.

Jean McEwen:

Connoisseurs of fine foods (like flambé)
And fine wines (like, say, Pouilly-Fuissé)
Are convinced it’s debased
And in very bad taste
To hang out at Old Country Buffet.

Lisi Nortman:

Mama’s “batter-chip” cookies demand
A guinea pig who can withstand
Something soft and real gooey
And also quite chewy
Which tastes just like Play-Doh with sand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I keep track of the girth of my waist —
All indulgences tallied and traced.
But a lick or a sip?
I let those numbers slip,
Since there is no accounting for taste.

Justin OConnor:

He worked as a cook and he toiled
For a queen who liked eggs only boiled.
When she tasted one fried,
She burst out and cried.
So he knew that the royal was roiled.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET)

Rudy Landesman:

I’m too jaded to still get upset
When I have “senior moments”. But yet,
Do you think I’m afraid
I won’t ace getting laid
By not functioning deftly? You bet!

Terry Marter:

Flashing classified doc’s at a function,
He bragged with no sign of compunction.
Though his MO is jaded,
His ego’s not faded,
As he shrugs off one more court injunction.

Tim James:

“I have full human function,” said she,
“A hot android,” I answered with glee:
“I’m so ready! Let’s boff!”
Then her noggin popped off.
I’m afraid getting head’s not for me.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’m afraid I’ve begun to malfunction,
Since no longer do I feel compunction,
When I skip “Meet The Press”
And replace PBS
With old reruns of “Petticoat Junction.”

David Friedman:

Madeleine got quite upset
At the limericks she had to vet.
“I’m jaded, dismayed,”
She said, “And afraid
That these are as good as they get.”

Rudy Landesman:

A pitcher, who once was an Ace,
Has now, as is often the case,
Lost many a game;
And I fear for his fame.
I’m afraid that he’s also lost face.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!