Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 11, 2021)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CRIME, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CRIME-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 12, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 11, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my CRUDE/CREWED/ACCRUED-rhyme limerick:

A comic was starting to freak
Cuz his comedy future looked bleak.
He turned morbid and crude
And increasingly lewd,
And was panned cuz he joked a blue streak.

And here’s my CRIME-themed limerick:

Said the sous-chef, “Don’t make me relive
The attack that killed chef/owner Viv.
I’m exhausted and drained,
And my recall has waned…
Cuz my mem’ry is much like a sieve.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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195 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CRUDE or CREWED or ACCRUED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 11, 2021)”

  1. Lisi Nortman says:

    At “Bambi’s” they serve home-made food.
    Plus, now you can even get screwed.
    And since this addition,
    They’ve less competition.
    And in’trest has highly accrued.

  2. Lisi Nortman says:

    This is better:

    At “Bambi’s” they serve home-made food.
    As of late, you can even get screwed.
    Since this tempting addition,
    They’ve less competition.
    And in’trest has highly accrued.

  3. Their object was really sublime
    The punishment fitted the crime
    But folks call William Gilbert
    A weak minded filbert
    And Arthur is still doing time

  4. Lisi Nortman says:

    My fam’ly knows nuthin’ bout crime.
    Not one of us ever did time.
    Though once, Uncle Telly
    Who owned “Telly’s Deli”
    Gave Pop the wrong change for a dime.

  5. All started with Jack and the beanstalk.
    The villagers huddle in shock.
    And Jack says, “No sale.”
    For the goose of the tale.
    While the Giant’s been outline in chalk.

  6. It’s a breaking and entering crime.
    The suspect is Goldi. She’s prime.
    The bears are all bent,
    on malicious intent.
    Just new chair. She is serving no time.

  7. Poor Kay was not careful today.
    The makeup’s too much on display.
    Mascara accrued,
    I know this is rude.
    Had appearance of Tammy, Miss. Faye.

  8. tiny change L 5

    All started with Jack and the beanstalk.
    The villagers huddle in shock.
    And Jack says, “No sale.”
    For the goose of the tale.
    While the Giant’s been outlined in chalk.

  9. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our cousin, Orlando Von Klaus.
    Is a crooked nefarious louse.
    When he went away,
    To our friends we just say,
    “He’s locked in his very big house.”

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    My date was polite, (never rude.)
    And not once, did he ever allude
    To “gettin’ it on”
    Good-Bye, well-bred John.
    My preference is lewd and real crude.

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    “Your advances, good Sir, are too crude.
    Now, pray do not think me a prude,
    But you’ll be out of luck
    If you say “Babe, let’s fuck!” –
    I prefer to be tastefully wooed.”

  12. Brian Allgar says:

    (… an old one)

    “You’ve been warned!” said my boss. “What you wear
    When you’re slouching at home, I don’t care.
    But at work, you’ll comply!”
    So I borrowed a tie,
    And I strangled the bastard right there.

  13. Sally Franz says:

    A crude dude accrued crude from the land
    He drilled through rock, shale and sand
    Thrust his bit deep for oil
    Bit off more than a mohel
    Now his well’s dry as he stands bit in hand

  14. Terry Marter says:

    I worked hard to be a ‘Star’ criminal
    With heists either bold or subliminal.
    But most were a Fail
    I was soon put in jail
    So my proceeds from crime were quite minimal.

  15. Terry Marter says:

    The head of our syndicate’s Jake
    He’s the best thief we know (give or take…)
    His birthday surprise, –
    After gifts from the guys,
    Was that some bastard’s stolen the cake.

  16. Brian Allgar says:

    There was an old limerick-writer
    Who could not have been impoliter.
    He was rude, he was crude,
    And increasingly lewd –
    I confess, I’m that filthy old blighter.

  17. Lisi Nortman says:

    U.S. VERY Organized Crime: All 50 States

    If you feel you just don’t want to stay
    Where it’s cold, it is really okay.
    There’s a “Changing Gang” form
    Called “I Wanna’ Feel Warm
    And Be Transferred From Maine To L.A”

  18. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Taking Notes”

    You’re suspicious, you’ve sure earned that frown.
    The show’s about Charlie who drown
    His sweet wife, Marie,
    Then you notice that he
    Is fervently writing it down.

  19. Lisi Nortman says:

    To Make It More Clear: Taking Notes, “Murder He Wrote”

    You’re suspicious, you’ve sure earned that frown.
    The show’s about Charlie who drown
    His lovely wife, Jo
    Then you notice your beau
    Is fervently writing it down.

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    On Thanksgiving, you had to say, “Bye”
    To your cat, who at times is real sly.
    You followed her trail.
    She’s in “Kitty Place Jail”
    Cuz she licked all the cream off the pie.

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    You’re a criminal, now you will fail
    All the courses you’ve taken at Yale.
    There’s no way to break free,
    Or agree on a plea.
    You’re stuck in Monopoly Jail.

  22. Terry Marter says:

    Clock company manager, Hans
    Had major embezzlement plans
    But now he spends hours
    beneath the Watch towers
    With nothing but time on his hands.

    Hans’ jail time has years on the clock
    And each night when the key turns the lock
    All he hears (down the hall)
    Is the clock on the wall
    Counting Each second, – Tick fucking Tock!

  23. I really just wanted to thank
    The Manager of our new bank
    For the safe combination
    And account information
    On the back of a cheque that was blank.

  24. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Once a turkey snood’s viewed, prob’ly you’d
    Then allude to the fact it looks crude.
    But the hot-to-trot hen
    On the prowl for fowl men,
    Would say, “Tom’s the right dude for my brood.”

  25. Neal Pattison says:

    A man harbored thoughts that were lewd
    But his partner was not in the mood.
    She had no further uses
    For her mate’s manly juices
    And so, he just sat there and stewed.

  26. Neal Pattison says:

    Or, punched up a bit ….

    A man whose intentions were lewd
    Found his partner was not in the mood
    With no earthly uses
    For his manly juices
    The fellow just sat there and stewed.

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    Now astronaut journeys are “crewed”
    And changing the phrase was real shrewd.
    We must be polite,
    Use the word that is right.
    And “man on a mission” was lewd.

  28. She hovered above the dead bird.
    That laid on a book, hadn’t stirred.
    The title I scanned,
    Spelled it out, “Crime And
    Punishment”, Kitty just purred.

    Who me?

  29. One last change from yesterday.

    All started with Jack and the stalk.
    The villagers huddle in shock.
    And Jack says, “No sale.”
    For the goose of the tale.
    While Giant’s been outlined in chalk.

  30. Brad was mortified Chippendale.
    But the loans were enormous from Yale.
    They accrued and accrued.
    Then one night was so lewd.
    His g-string was filled by Aunt Gale.

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I lived in West Orange, New Jersey in 1993,
    garbage disposals were illegal, though many residents sneaked them in!
    This law was also enforced in many other New Jersey cities as well.
    It may still be in effect. Hard to believe, yet true.

    “A Grievous Crime In N.J., 1993”

    Mrs. Tattletale could have been kinder,
    But she told the police where to find ‘er.
    She’s in prison for life.
    Ev’ry day she feels strife.
    (Pleated guilty for owning a grinder)

  32. David Friedman says:

    To the other cows Elsie was rude,
    Obnoxious, offensive, and crude.
    “Why?!” the cows cried
    And Elsie replied,
    “I’m usually just in the moooooood.”

  33. Lisi Nortman says:

    Is it still a crime if you change the word? Let’s see.

    The people of this mighty nation
    Sure need a real good explanation.
    Does the government fib?
    Or are they just glib?
    When stating some “disinformation?”

  34. David Friedman says:

    There once was this arsonist, James,
    Who burned London Bridge on the Thames
    And in that same fashion
    Performed crimes of passion
    Rekindling all his old flames.

  35. David Friedman says:

    Venus could see the Feds nearing
    The moment she dropped her damn earring
    In her racquet it nested
    So she was arrested
    The crime, of course, was racketeering.

  36. Lisi Nortman says:

    “That dress is just so darn appealing.
    I hope that my friends won’t be squealing.
    The price is too high.
    Folks will look, but won’t buy.
    And that is what justifies stealing.”

  37. Brian Allgar says:

    “The jury all thought I’m sublime”,
    Boasted Kyle, “Won’t be doin’ no time.
    The guy I killed, Mommy,
    Was prob’ly a commie,
    So that doesn’t count as a crime.”

  38. Brian Allgar says:

    (A few more old ones …)

    “Buddy, please can you spare me a dime?”
    Well, of course – being poor is no crime.
    But I felt like a jerk
    When he got in his Merc
    Saying “Thanks, bud, and here’s to next time.”


    He’d ripped off the Mafia big-time;
    A truckload of lemons, his crime.
    “Seems ya like citrus fruit”,
    Said the Godfather. “Cute!
    So we’re dumpin’ ya body in lime.”


    (Hasn’t happened yet, but maybe one of these days …)

    The Grabber loves copping a feel.
    “Grab a pussy, and hear how they squeal!”
    But he’s now doing time
    For a sexual crime;
    He was feeling a cop – no appeal.

  39. Tony Holmes says:

    It is terribly, terribly crude
    To reduce, “We made love,” to “We screwed.”
    There are terms even worse,
    But, it’s family verse,
    So, the line has been drawn, coz they’re rude.

  40. Terry Marter says:

    He Grassed on The Mob’s machination, –
    A bent charity and dodgy foundation.
    But the Mob sussed the Scab.
    He’s now part of a slab
    Holding up half of Grand Central Station.

  41. Mark Totterdell says:

    Though of course, as a man of the left,
    I consider all property theft,
    If some criminal swine
    Ever made off with mine
    I’d feel angry, upset and bereft.

  42. Mark Totterdell says:

    I hope that, with skill and with luck,
    This rhyme won’t descend into muck
    With a word that is crude
    And offensive and rude
    At the end of the fifth line. Oh fuck!

  43. Tony Holmes says:

    I have tried to paint girls in the nude,
    But my daubs are, admittedly, crude.
    Ah, but in my defence,
    My aesthetical sense
    Is debased by my thoughts, which are rude.

  44. Tony Holmes says:

    Ounce by ounce, in by inch, I accrued
    Till my waistline eclipsed ‘me’ when nude.
    Lost to sight, but not clutch
    We can still keep in touch,
    But it’s good to see friends, or we brood.

  45. Ah, the freedom to be crude
    once f—s from you can’t be accrued.
    Oh, to be able
    to clear the dinner table
    with Mom, last to leave, yelling, “Rude!”

  46. Terry Marter says:

    You don’t need a gun to do crime,
    Just incense and a random wind chime,
    And an Old hippie chick
    With fake chants as her schtick.
    All the cause of why I’M doing time!

  47. Dane Paulsen says:

    They found a peephole slit.
    In the locker room they admit.
    But be at peace,
    For the police,
    Have been looking into it.

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    You don’t have to be homicidal,
    However, this info is vital:
    This prison’s congested
    And you WILL be arrested
    For watching “American Idol.”

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    As not to use “this” twice:

    You don’t have to be homicidal.
    However, this info is vital:
    The prison’s congested.
    And you WILL be arrested
    For watching “American Idol”

  50. Dane Paulsen says:

    A pick pocket has his appeals.
    An umpire has his ideals.
    Though not swatches,
    One steals watches,
    While the other watches steals.

  51. Dane Paulsen says:

    A burglar bad to the bone.
    Kicked in his door with a groan.
    After that viewing,
    Asked what he’s doing?
    He said he was working from home.

  52. His vision affected by macular.*
    So other then center spectacular.
    But periphery sight.
    Not enough for a flight.
    “No piloting” legal vernacular.

    *Macular Degeneration, leading cause of blindness.
    Starts with center vision diminishing.

    A few years later:

    The crash was in field of kale.
    The pilot forgetful and frail.
    The statement that’s next,
    Had me stunned and perplexed.
    The controls in the cockpit were braille!

    Diminished capacity!

  53. Humble Buddhist had money accrued.
    Thought his bookkeeping need be reviewed.
    It seems checks had arrived
    From the ladies he satisfied.
    Had his taxi cab license renewed.

  54. Dane Paulsen says:

    My husband I was unaware.
    A construction site thief, I do swear.
    I didn’t know then,
    Oh, sure but when,
    I got home all the signs were still there.

  55. Theme: Crime

    Though sedition’s a federal crime,
    There are traitors no better than slime.
    Thirty million in damages
    By the action of savages.
    There’s no humorous bit in this last line.

  56. Dane Paulsen says:

    My grandfather was a man who,
    Had the heart of a lion its true.
    And though not a fan,
    Had a lifetime ban,
    From New Yorks Central Park Zoo.

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m very busy

    More often than not, I am nude.
    Ev’ry day, there’s another hot dude.
    There’s Jerry and Don,
    Alexander and Ron,
    Many more than 5 lines I’ve accrued.

  58. Terry Marter says:

    To expose her great talents imbued,
    She performed ‘visual art’ in the nude.
    But with age, and weight gained
    Popularity waned
    Proportional to wrinkles accrued.

  59. Terry Marter says:

    Please delete November 29. 10.19am. Thanks

    You don’t need a gun to do crime,
    Just incense and incessant wind-chime,
    Plus an Old hippie chick
    With fake chants as her schtick.
    All the cause of why I’M doing time!

  60. Lisi Nortman says:

    Never question that old CIA.
    It protects us all night and all day.
    All the agents are skilled.
    They never have killed.
    They “neutralize” so it’s okay.

  61. Roger Haugen says:

    After getting thoroughly stewed,
    He paraded around in the nude;
    Some thought it crass,
    Displaying his ass–
    To others, delightfully crude.

  62. Roger Haugen says:

    Said the hooker, “So you think it’s lewd,
    To spend so much time getting screwed?
    ‘For me, to be chaste
    ‘Would be a big waste–
    ‘Just look at the cash I’ve accrued.”

  63. Roger Haugen says:

    You don’t have to holler, “I’m screwed!”
    When there’s a better word, albeit crude;
    It rhymes well with “duct,”
    Or, if you like, “bucked”–
    Few people these days think it’s lewd.

  64. My previous spouse was a cheat.
    Had a dream I restrained both his feet.
    It’s really bazaar,
    But in trunk of my car.
    I had bags that were drained of concrete!

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    Crimes: Burglary

    The burglars barged in, they were tough.
    Their voices were scary and gruff.
    They stole my possessions,
    Used filthy expressions.
    Then came back with some up-to-date stuff.

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Crime of Burglary: oops!

    The burglars barged in; they were tough.
    Their voices were scary and gruff.
    They used filthy expressions.
    And stole my possessions.
    Then replaced them with up-to-date stuff.

  67. The lawyer was coming to grips.
    Of her thug’s conversational slips.
    Control of defendant,
    Completely dependent.
    On keeping the gag on his lips.

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Tourist Gets Arrested.

    I drove through Montana at night.
    And what a real breath-taking sight.
    But then came a cop.
    Who told me to stop.
    Cuz I didn’t go through a red light.

  69. Mark Totterdell says:

    It’s no wonder I acted quite stroppily
    When accused of a life led improperly.
    Yes, there’s truth in the tale
    That I spent time in jail,
    But it was in a game of Monopoly.

  70. Mark Totterdell says:

    So they say I’ve committed a crime
    By coercing some words into rhyme.
    If the rhymes in this lim-
    erick truly are crim-
    inal, hey, I’m prepared to do time.

  71. There once was a Frenchman on a cruise
    His bald head did display a big bruise
    The man bid me adieu
    I said “Right back to you.”
    He then jumped off the ship quite confused.

  72. Mark Totterdell says:

    The oil tanker sounded all rude,
    And the words from within it were lewd.
    The one explanation
    For this situation?
    The oil in that tanker was crude.

  73. kirk miller says:

    A biologist tried to feed streusel
    To a panda; was met with refusal.
    Bear rejected the food
    ‘Cause the offer was crude.
    He found pandas are hard to bamboozle.

  74. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    By some critics Picasso was booed;
    They proclaimed his work shocking and crude:
    “Four arms no one minds,
    But what’s this? TWO behinds?!”
    He had painted himself in the nude.

  75. Dane Paulsen says:

    It takes two hands to handle my whopper.
    Said a young man who thought it proper.
    His girlfriend said rude,
    and so very crude.
    Besides it’s quite average, was her stopper.

  76. Dane Paulsen says:

    A young man, totally nude.
    Robbed a bank for money accrued.
    Some looked with lust,
    Others with disgust.
    A dude, in the nude, is just rude.

  77. Rudy Landesman says:

    In Latin and also in Greek,
    I admit, I have always been weak.
    But when in the mood
    To really be crude
    In Old Norse I can curse a blue streak.

  78. Rudy Landesman says:

    On the Argo on which I once crewed
    Angry storm clouds aplenty accrued,
    And the wind rocked the boat.
    Yet, we did stay afloat.
    Poseidon can really be rude.

  79. Brian Allgar says:

    “That skylark is raucous and crude”,
    Complained Shelley. “It’s ruined my mood,
    So I’ll trap and de-plume it,
    And then I’ll consume it –
    But should it be roasted, or stewed?”

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    Crime: Murder! “How Do You Plead?”

    Judge looked at me very askance.
    I knew how I’d plead in advance.
    “Mrs. Jones, did you kill
    Your dear husband Bill?”
    I replied, “Well, I may have, perchance.”

  81. Dane Paulsen says:

    A teen with a high expectation.
    Was greeted with much jubilation.
    She sang in the nude,
    Which some thought was crude.
    But her form, an immodest sensation

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Border Patrol”

    We drove through the border with speed.
    Then the guard yelled, “You must not proceed!
    “Any firearms, knives,
    That could harm people’s lives?”
    We answered, “How much do you need?”

  83. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Over years, through my tears, I’ve accrued
    Female vocals in great plenitude.
    So at Christmas (it’s silly)
    I always play Billie
    To get into the Holiday mood.

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Where The Buffalos Roam”

    In a “give me a home” kinda’ mood,
    I moved, and my life was renewed.
    “Are you from the Northeast?”
    Asked the Sacred Heart priest.
    “Cuz your language is shamefully crude.”

  85. Dane Paulsen says:

    Let’s commit the perfect crime.
    I’ll steal your heart, oh so fine.
    Then if you please,
    With so much ease,
    You my dear, can then steal mine.

  86. Terry Marter says:

    “I’m proposing a heist, hear me though it.
    We should all seize the day, – let’s not rue it.”
    From my plan that ensued
    Their interest accrued
    To the point where they all cried “Let’s DO it!”

  87. Terry Marter says:

    I said “Let’s storm a bank, like Piranhas”.
    They said “Sure! – but we think you’re Bananas”.
    Now the fruits of our haul
    From the bank in the mall
    Fund our ripe old age in the Bahamas.

  88. Terry Marter says:

    I said “Let’s rob a bank” to my gang.
    They replied “Are you MAD!? We could hang.”
    They were quite right of course,
    All we had was a horse
    And toy gun with a flag that said BANG!

  89. Lisi Nortman says:

    A Law That’s Still On The Books: Do NOT Call Anyone In New Jersey
    When “The Sopranos” Is On, Or You WILL Be Arrested!
    “The Sopranos” HBO Series, 1999-2007 , Crime Drama (real nasty)

    “The Sopranos” sure made a connection
    With people who had no objection
    To words that were crude.
    We in Jersey all viewed
    That language as love and affection.

  90. Roger Haugen says:

    He was having a wonderful time,
    The show to old ears was sublime;
    No off-color patter,
    Or atonal clatter–
    He grooved to the rhythm of mime.

  91. The day I was caught was a bitch.
    Told no one that I was the snitch.
    The men of the crew
    All wanted to screw
    Their wives need to know why they itch.

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    My father-in-law had good news,
    But he said, “I’m not giving you clues.”
    Well, guess what I got !
    He went out and bought
    Me a pair of “High Style” cement shoes!

  93. Lisi Nortman says:

    When the trains in New York were policed,
    The crime on the subways decreased.
    In a very short while,
    In that famed “New York Style”
    The crime on the busses increased.

  94. Advice from lawyer to client:

    They arrest. “Don’t confess,” I expressed.
    He confessed, from the stress. Did my best.
    “If you fumble the soap,
    Please, don’t be a dope.
    “Bar of Zest, let it rest,” I suggest.

  95. quotation mark in wrong place

    Advice from lawyer to client:

    They arrest. “Don’t confess,” I expressed.
    He confessed, from the stress. Did my best.
    “If you fumble the soap,
    Please, don’t be a dope.
    Bar of Zest, let it rest,” I suggest.

  96. Kirk Miller says:

    Someone stole my new iPhone and I’m
    Gonna tell the police ’bout the crime.
    If the cops catch the thief,
    You should see my belief:
    That it’s likely the thief could face time.

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    I have never seen electricity!

    “Chicago Utility’s” rude.
    They’re claiming that I have accrued
    25 years of power,
    Which is many an hour.
    But where is it? C.U. I have sued.

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Crewneck Sweater Ruse

    The Spring’s almost here, and my mood
    Is crazed; I’m becoming unglued.
    The “Turtleneck Shops”
    Are snipping the tops.
    Those crewnecks are falsely acrewed.

  99. Defendant has credible alibi.
    Shown teaching her Zumba. A Lie?
    Discovered the lynchpin,
    Has identical twin.
    But, which one is which, who should fry?

  100. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    As a cop, my old man is no honey;
    He’s so righteous it’s not even funny.
    I’ll throw pants in the wash
    Without checking for dosh,
    And he’ll bust me for laundering money.

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    Crime And Crude

    A cop here in town was real shrewd.
    Many criminals he had pursued.
    Not to put them in jail,
    But to follow their trail.
    And learn how to be unjustly crude.

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    One must be loyal all of the time.
    Even when one’s defending a slime.
    Donald Trump has his way,
    Thus, it’s truthful to say
    That Pence was his partner in crime.

  103. Terry Marter says:

    It’s Christmas crime again folks.

    Reminiscing ‘bout old Christmas time
    And the ways we could spend our last dime.
    Now a silent display
    sucks our money away, –
    At least Tills ripped us off with a chime.

  104. Terry Marter says:

    We’re SO cool!

    We held up the bank with no fuss.
    When it all went pear-shaped,- not a cuss!
    Driver (Pete) got ‘cold feet’
    And took off down the street,
    So we waited half-hour for a bus.

  105. Lisi Nortman says:

    This case didn’t really make sense.
    The ambience: very intense.
    Aunt Millicent’s bloomers
    Were stirring up rumors.
    And jailed for a hanging offence.

  106. “Good Will Hunting”, the movie accrued,
    An abundance of language that’s lewd.
    It was often by Matt,
    Fricking this, fricking that,
    I bleeped it all, Mom more subdued.

  107. Bob Turvey says:

    A hungry young child in a cot
    Used to pick at its nose quite a lot.
    Said its mother, “How crude.
    D’you think that stuff’s food?”
    “I know,” said the child, “That it’s not.”

  108. Dave Johnson says:

    He wanted to set up a tryst
    With one who had barely been kissed.
    The meeting was set;
    And that’s how he met
    A vice cop he couldn’t resist.

  109. Dave Johnson says:

    Her method’s unfailingly shrewd;
    She’ll say something naughty and crude.
    That’s how it begins;
    As seductiveness wins.
    When lewd sets the mood, then you’re screwed.

  110. Rudy Landesman says:

    A man robs a bank with a gun,
    And everyone there starts to run.
    But I must be frank.
    What’s robbing a bank
    Compared to the founding of one?

    (In collaboration with Bertolt Brecht)

  111. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A big bruiser was brashly outspoken,
    In a cruiser with cops in Hoboken.
    He confessed he viewed jaws
    In the way he did laws —
    “Those big traps were all meant to be broken!”

  112. Dave Johnson says:

    With Y2K stock he’d accrued,
    He felt his investment was shrewd.
    The one firm he chose
    Was still marketing those
    Cassette tapes where movies were viewed.

  113. Terry Marter says:

    A rude nude in a mood lewd and crude
    Stalked a dude who she thought should be wooed.
    But the dude, – who’s a prude
    Did not want to be screwed
    Or (for that matter) stalked, so he sued.

  114. Lisi Nortman says:

    Changing Jobs (crime)

    There just ain’t no skill that I lack.
    Used to rob, shove the goods in a sack.
    But now I do “hits”
    And I think it just fits,
    Cuz stealing was killin’ my back.

    But now I do “hits”
    And for me, it just fits.
    Cuz stealing was ‘killin my back.

  115. Lisi Nortman says:

    Well, THAT was an obvious mistake! Sorry! “Crime”

    There just ain’t no skill that I lack.
    Used to rob, shove the goods in a sack.
    But now I do “hits”
    It’s a job that sure fits.
    Cuz stealing was killin’ my back.

  116. Roger Haugen says:

    Why is it that, time after time,
    I can’t get the right words to rhyme?
    Has part of my brain
    Succumbed to the strain
    From the lack of a basic enzyme?

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m non-violent, warm-hearted, and wise.
    And the sort who would never tell lies.
    But I’m always ignored.
    So I’d like a reward,
    And would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  118. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s Halloween! Get in the mood!
    Come to “Costumes”, don’t sit home and brood!
    But, please, not real soon.
    Maybe sometime in June.
    Cuz now we’re not skeleton crewed.

  119. P Diane Schneidee says:

    I danced in the street in the nude
    It seems my behavior was leud
    The judge was not pleased
    So he had me seized
    For misdemeanors accrued

  120. Recovering lawyer, Miss Kane,
    Has a limerick writing domain.
    The work that’s accrued,
    Can be tame or is crude.
    But, often the humor’s profane.

  121. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    “My Metaverse, I must conclude,”
    Said Zuck, “Will be virtually crewed,
    By workers for free
    Who all look like me.”
    And even his avatar booed.

  122. Apologizing for poor word choice

    Recovering lawyer, Miss Mad.
    Does limerick writing, a tad.
    Did not mean, too profane,
    I examined my brain.
    A good level of dirty, I’m glad

  123. Dave Johnson says:

    They started a family feud;
    With insults both nasty and crude.
    So now, when we gather,
    The rest of us rather
    Toss salad to lighten the mood.

  124. Tim James says:

    “Though we’re poor, let’s get married,” said Nate.
    We’ll pinch pennies and save. Let’s not wait!”
    Then he boosted her car,
    Though he didn’t get far.
    Now he’s doing a nickel upstate.

  125. Dave Johnson says:

    A wrecking ball known as The Donald
    Demolished the party of Ronald.
    It happened each time
    He committed a crime;
    Then had his impeachment McConnelled.

  126. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Route” in the Eastern U.S. rhymes with toot.
    “Route” in the Midwest rhymes with out.
    I am using the Eastern pronunciation. (the right one, LOL)

    Crime: Selling Drugs

    “Hey pal, if you hand me some loot,
    I will sell you some very cool zoot.
    It’ll get you nowhere,
    But you surely won’t care.
    You’ll be takin’ the real scenic route.”

  127. Rudy Landesman says:

    For Yiddish sports fans.

    In baseball they asked him to bunt.
    In football they told him to punt.
    His mom every time
    Said: “What’s the big crime?
    Don’t kvetch, my son. Abi gesunt.”

  128. Tony Holmes says:

    “I first dallied with crime when I brewed
    My own beer. Though my efforts were crude
    Yet the vintage was strong
    (Which is where I went wrong)
    And I burgled a house – in the nude.”

  129. Tony Holmes says:

    Minor improvements on earlier version.

    Inch by inch, ounce by ounce, I accrued,
    Till my ‘friend’ was eclipsed when I viewed.
    Lost to sight, but not clutch,
    So, we still keep in touch,
    But we need to see friends, lest we brood.

  130. Bob Turvey says:

    Said a farmer, “With style I’m imbued
    And I hate anything that is crude.”
    Until, in his soil,
    He discovered crude oil
    And from it a fortune accrued.

  131. Bob Turvey says:

    Will Shakespeare once got really stewed
    And danced on the stage in the nude.
    His sayings were numerous –
    None of them humorous;
    Just blasphemous, racist and crude.

  132. Bob Turvey says:

    Young Cedric stood up in the dock,
    Accused of misusing his –er– manhood.
    What he got for his crime
    Was some “Old Sparky” time –
    Which certainly came as a shock!

  133. Bob Turvey says:

    In my vineyard I watched as some apes
    Ate my unripe and sour-tasting grapes.
    But karma sublime
    Attended this crime –
    When the gripes bent them into odd shapes.

  134. Bob Turvey says:

    There was a young lady called Tina,
    Who one day received a subpoena.
    It said that her name
    Was a crime – such a shame,
    Since her name was Miss Tina de Meena.

    (Poor old Miss de Meena.)

  135. Bob Turvey says:

    If you watch girls disrobe it’s sublime –
    But a Peeping Tom gets prison time.
    And when roles are reversed
    The poor chap’s still cursed –
    Exposing yourself is a crime!

  136. Dane Paulsen says:

    The murder hadn’t gone as he planned.
    The electric chair, the judges demand.
    The Chaplin then pressed,
    For his last request.
    He said will you please hold my hand.

  137. When you purchase a gun for your son
    And he then offs his schoolmates for fun
    Please do not act surprised
    When you’re roundly despised
    And find out you’ve got nowhere to run.

  138. Dick admits he can be a bit crude
    But his dick, when it starts to protrude.
    Gets a mind of its own
    And just has to be blown.
    And his cock shot just has to get spewed.

  139. Tony Holmes says:

    The first witness opined, “He was lewd.”
    “In what way,” asked the judge. “He was nude!
    And he said I could swing
    On his fine ding-a-ling,
    But I told him, ‘No way – lest he wooed.”

  140. The physical body in court.
    Not functioning right, last resort.
    While symptoms accrued,
    And Docs can’t conclude.
    That body arraigned, no retort.

  141. Lisi Nortman says:

    Join the army; you mustn’t delay.
    Just remember, you have to obey.
    On the job, you might meet
    Some guys who are neat.
    Follow orders, and blow them away.

  142. Roger Haugen says:

    Why is it that, time after time,
    I can’t get the right words to rhyme?
    Has part of my brain
    Succumbed to the strain,
    From the lack of a basic enzyme?

  143. Roger Haugen says:

    Whenever things sink below prime,
    You can count on the rabbi each time;
    No moaning “Oy vey,”
    He brightens the day,
    With an all-purpose, cheerful “l’chaim!”

  144. Lisi Nortman says:

    Just what does your attic include?
    Take a peek and you surely will brood.
    If you climb up that rope,
    You will feel like a dope
    When you see all that crap you’ve accrued.

  145. Tim James says:

    Mrs. Malaprop, breathless and nude,
    To her husband said something quite crude.
    As they lay there in bed,
    He’d misheard what she’d said.
    She sighed, “Goodness! I’ve been misconscrewed!”

  146. My cousin is freaked out by mimes.
    That fact could enable fun rhymes.
    His career, I conclude,
    Once pantomimed crewed.
    Were involved with the grisliest crimes.

  147. Lisi Nortman says:

    To Christine:

    I read in the “Pantomime Times”
    ‘Bout your cousin’s aversion to mimes.
    These egregious transgressions
    Left lasting impressions,
    And were known as “The Silencer Crimes”

  148. Rudy Landesman says:

    Revisionist Mythology

    King Perses of Colchis did fleece
    The Argonaut, Jason of Greece.
    He swiped, so I’m told,
    Jason’s fleece made of gold.
    And then married Medea, his niece.

    (Actually Medea murdered her uncle.)

  149. Rudy Landesman says:

    When Paris abducted fair Helen,
    The Greeks, to a man, all were yellin’
    “That’s a crime in our book!”
    But they all failed to look.
    ‘Twas love that those foolish kids fell in.

  150. Lisi Nortman says:

    One of Sammy’s ridiculous goals
    Was to swindle naive trusting souls.
    He would sell them big sacks
    Which contained empty packs.
    And say they were “fresh donut holes.”

  151. Lisi Nortman says:

    Crime: Fraud!

    There’s a shortage of cream cheese? Boo Hoo!
    Well, here’s what the delis could do:
    Elmer’s glue’s also white.
    They can spread it just right.
    Their lips will be sealed. They can’t fight!

  152. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m not into sports, I watch gangs.
    I just love hearing all the harangues.
    “Gang South’s” gonna make it.
    This year they will take it.
    They’ve got a great coach known as “Fangs”
    They’ll win the “Gang Series” and when
    It’s over they’ll be envied men.
    Can’t wait till the day
    That I’ll shout, “Hip Hooray”
    And watch them on ESPN.

  153. Lisi Nortman says:

    Above limerick implied they are NOT a sports team. I want to make it sound like they are, so it makes more sense:
    “They’re Making The Finals” (crime)

    My favorite sport is called gangs.
    I just love hearing all the harangues.
    “Gang South’s” ‘gonna make it.
    This year they will take it.
    They’ve got a great coach known as “Fangs”

    They’ll win the “Gang Series” and when
    It’s over, they’ll be famous men.
    Can’t wait till the day
    When I shout, “Hip Hooray”
    And see them on ESPN.

  154. Terry Marter says:

    The Mob had his statue erected
    For his ‘Joint account service’ perfected.
    But their later mistrust
    Revealed They’d gone bust,
    Now his bust’s gone, – his joints disconnected.

  155. Lisi, you’re brilliant! “The Pantomime Times,”
    a very small niche circulation

    The infamous murderous mimes,
    With story revealed in the “Times.”
    Have egos inflate.
    Are delighted to date.
    But won’t audibly verbalize crimes.

  156. I was caught by insomniac haze.
    Been awake now, completely two days.
    The exhaustion accrues,
    Thought process is skewed.
    Are there magical sleeping p.j.’s?

    A few nights, I wish those p,j.’s were real!

  157. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    We know meal prep for cavemen was crude —
    They went out and slew monsters for food.
    One look at a fossil
    Shows groc’ries weren’t docile.
    All boiled down, it meant chew or be chewed.

  158. “Youse are criminals” the old harpy spewed
    At the teller who looked like a prude
    “For today is the day
    I demand that you pay
    My 2 cents which has duly accrued”

  159. They strut into office all crude.
    The gangsters are instantly glued.
    What’s up, it sure stinks?!
    Their eyes, watery blinks.
    Good, no body expired, old food.

  160. Rudy Landesman says:

    Before going to court the first time
    To do laundry she had not a dime.
    Her dress was all silty,
    So she had to plead guilty.
    Yes, poverty is a big crime.

  161. Terry Marter says:

    I’m devoid of ideas and could scream.
    This catastrophe’s milked my esteem .
    Dud Lims (I’ve accrued)
    Won’t make me ‘Ace Dude’
    Or a Lim’rick-off Cat-with-the-cream.

  162. Terry Marter says:

    Crime News, – Just in:

    Missing winemaker Shamus McPhee
    Has been found in a vat of Chablis.
    Fed’ Forensics have said
    The Mob left him for dead
    But he’d climbed out three times for a pee!

  163. Dane Paulsen says:

    A criminal is seldom viewed,
    By loot of which he has accrued.
    He struts with much vigor,
    With finger on trigger.
    He’s judged, by how tough, and how crude.

  164. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    This attempt, no sublime paradigm
    Of a verse, makes me wonder if I’m
    Really crafting this time
    A true rhyme out of “crime,”
    Or just making a crime out of rhyme.

    (inspired by Terry’s “I’m Devoid of Ideas” genre) :)

  165. Rudy Landesman says:

    It’s a mystery! Still makes me brood.
    Tell me who murdered young Edwin Drood.
    ‘Cause as the plot thickens,
    The author, Charles Dickens,
    Just went off and died.That was rude.

  166. Advice from lawyer to client:
    Attitude calm, not defiant.
    So, smile at the jury.
    “Hell hath no fury . . .”
    And swallow vision of suppliant.

  167. Murdered cheating husband

    Advice from lawyer to client”
    “Attitude calm, not defiant.
    Hell hath no fury . . .
    So, smile at the jury.
    And swallow the vision of suppliant.”

  168. Rudy Landesman says:

    In Rome you must act like a Roman.
    In Tokyo best sing like Cio-Cio-san.
    In good old New York
    You can act like a dork.
    You’ll be killin’ it. That much I know, man.

  169. Dave Johnson says:

    “Jaywalking’s a crime in this town…”
    The sheriff explained with a frown.
    “But, why must that be?”
    Asked his new deputy;
    “Can’t horses and buggies slow down?”

  170. Mandy says:

    Surrounded by all of her brood
    she cackled with an attitude
    never saying things nicely
    she came off quite icily
    Man this chick is some kind of crude

  171. Bob Turvey says:

    A lady, from near the Levant,
    Used to pose in a tableau vivant.
    With the cash she accrued
    From each pose (in the nude)
    She repaid a loan from her aunt.

  172. Tim James says:

    “If you come up to my place,” she cooed,
    I’ll do stuff that’s quite nasty and crude.”
    I thought, “Wow! That sounds fine!”
    Then we sat down to dine…
    And she opened her mouth as she chewed.

  173. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I wonder at times why some women’ll
    Hook up with a life-sentenced criminal.
    True, no bills are accrued,
    And the guys cook the food.
    Ah, mysterious love — so subliminal!

  174. Dane Paulsen says:

    Criminals today are high tech.
    In a sec they can leave you a wreck.
    They’ll steal your identity,
    And ruin your serenity.
    You need constantly to double-check.

  175. Rudy Landesman says:

    Writing lyrics, the art — I’ll renew it.
    It would be a crime not to do it.
    Now that Sondheim is gone,
    His mantle I’ll don.
    You cry “hubris”? To that I say, “Screw it!”

  176. Rudy Landesman says:

    A double entendre’s a hoot.
    It might not be “Art”, but that’s moot.
    But listen up, dude!
    It’s no crime to be crude,
    And you might just be honored to boot.

  177. Dane Paulsen says:

    It was a crime, what did I do?
    Walked into a room without a clue.
    Didn’t want to presume,
    But it was the bathroom.
    That narrowed it down to one or two.

  178. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I lock windows, bolt doors, close my blinds.
    The world’s crazy, you know, takes all kinds.
    Once precautions are met,
    And alarms duly set,
    I start binge-watching “Criminal Minds.”

  179. Dane Paulsen says:

    Covid’s a war crime that calls for,
    Social distance, masks, and more.
    Staying home is the key,
    Watching TV.
    I’ve been training all my life for this war.

  180. Terry Marter says:

    I stole from the rich cos I’m poor
    And “Possession’s nine tenths of the law”
    So by logic extending
    (Myself I’m defending):
    My Forty bucks fine should be Four.

    In English English(!) 1, 2 & 5 rhyme:
    Por, Lor, For.

  181. madkane says:

    Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  182. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    At a Mystery Night meet-and-greet,
    Where we “crime-solvers” eat and compete,
    For being the winner,
    I got a free dinner.
    The real mystery, though, was the meat.

  183. Tim James says:

    In the oil patch she’s done ev’ry dude,
    And with many base traits she’s imbued.
    Other gals there are kind,
    Thoughtful, smart, and refined,
    But not her. She’s called “West Texas Crude.”

  184. Lisi Nortman says:

    The murder were murdered because
    They all had those “naughty bird” flaws.
    Although he protested,
    The perp was arrested.
    The policemen had probable caws.


  185. My premiums clearly a crime.
    They continue to nickel and dime.
    Just staying alive,
    ‘Til I am sixty-five.
    Then shelling out slashed by that time.


  186. Terry Marter says:

    Hi Sjaan (Dec.12), and Thanks (I think!?) :-)

    I’m glad my rhyme kindled your drive
    To create and continue to thrive.
    You rhyme fine all the time,
    But I wonder if Mine
    Is what Really inspired your Line Five?


  187. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction from November 28th. at 6:51 PM
    The “Shes” are too confusing.
    “N.J. law prohibiting garbage disposals in most counties” (true)

    Well, Josephine could have been kinder.
    But she told all the cops where to find’er
    Ann’s in prison for life.
    Ev’ry day she feels strife.
    (Pleaded “Guilty” for owning a grinder.)

  188. Tony Holmes says:

    Sherlock Holmes, that detective trendsetter,
    Yearned for crimes that would test his grey matter.
    Evil schemes tied in knots,
    All with murderous plots,
    And the more involuted, the better.

  189. Tony Holmes says:

    The policeman, perplexed to the core,
    Shook his head at the boy. Said once more,
    “You look so out of place
    With that seraphic face.”
    Then he closed and he locked the cell door.

    True story.

  190. Tony Holmes says:

    “It’s the halo effect. Folks believe
    You’re an angel. They cannot conceive
    That Your visage seraphic –
    With which you stop traffic –
    Could be part of some scheme to deceive.

  191. Mark Totterdell says:

    It was boasted by criminal Melanie
    That she’d carried out each class of felony.
    Crimes murdery, arsony,
    Fraud, theft and larceny
    Made an impressive miscellany.

  192. Mark G. Kane says:

    Is it really a crime to be crude?
    All it takes is one sensitive prude,
    To feel some how triggered
    By words ill-considered
    And a writer may find he’s been sued.

  193. Larz says:

    I suppose you may think that I’m crude
    To work on this verse while I’m nude.
    But the thought came to me,
    That a lewd rhyme should be
    Something to do while I screwed.

    But sweet loving wife is a prude
    And screwing was not in her mood.
    So shower instead,
    Lewd thoughts in my head,
    These verses did promptly exude.

  194. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 484. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Space.

  195. Mike Moulton says:

    A glutton named Henry the first
    Found himself at a banquet immersed,
    In lampreys galore,
    He unsoberly swore
    “These eels are really the worst.”