Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 17, 2021)

UPDATE: Unfortunately, my site is still undergoing repairs, due to encoding errors caused by my site host’s server upgrade. Consequently, I’m forced to extend this Limerick-Off by one week. Your new submission deadline is Saturday April 17 at 4 p.m. Eastern.

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SHEEP, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SHEEP-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 18, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you three full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 17, 2021 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS-rhyme limerick:

Enough with your nasty attacks
About taxes and vaxes! The cracks
In your reasoning, shallow,
Are proof you’re a callow
Young fellow, who’s lax to the max.

And here’s my SHEEP-themed limerick:

A gal who was caught counting sheep
At her desk by her company’s veep,
Saw no reason to fret,
Cuz her job’s a safe bet:
The firm’s hers! So she went back to sleep.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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345 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: April 17, 2021)”

  1. Lisi Nortman says:

    Go For Broke!

    Wanna’ run off and just not pay tax?
    Be as sharp as those real crafty hacks?
    Mr. Scarface sure tried.
    But they put him inside.
    Times have changed. Take a stab, Go! make tracks.

  2. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Eastern State Cafeteria”

    Now why take the time to to pay tax?
    Don’t worry. Sit back and relax.
    Take a road trip to “Philly”
    In the Spring, it’s not chilly.
    They’ve the best penitentiary snacks.

  3. Tom Vincent says:

    It’s time once again to pay tax
    For once I will not wind up lax
    I’ll send in some totes
    That are chock full of notes
    With a big IOU on the backs

  4. Steve Frakt says:

    A bee keeper whose name was Max
    Wore a mask against bee sting attacks
    But he lacked protection
    From another direction
    And wound up with ants in his slacks

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: Could you please delete limerick #1 from today?
    this one is better and explains it more clearly. Thank you, Lisi

    New Jersey has the highest property tax of all the states in the U.S.
    Illinois has the second highest property tax in the U.S. (check it out)
    I have recently moved from New Jersey to Illinois. ALL TRUE !

    Wanna’ pay a high property tax?
    Move to Jersey and shell out the max.
    Now in sweet Illinois
    I can fine’ly enjoy
    The NEXT highest, I’m makin’ tracks.


  6. Brian Allgar says:

    (For Senator J- – – M- – – – – -)

    This “Democrat” constantly tries
    To prevent filibuster’s demise.
    Though dressed as a sheep,
    I’m convinced that this creep
    Is a GOP wolf in disguise.

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    Jeff Bezos sobs “Make me pay tax?
    That’s for socialists, workers, and blacks.
    Sure, I’ll pay you my share
    If I think that it’s fair,
    But zero’s my absolute max.”

  8. Brian Allgar says:


    They were tired of the frequent attacks
    By the wolves who descended in packs,
    So the sheep asked the farmer
    For weapons and armour
    To stop the wolves dead in their tracks.

  9. Tim James says:

    From a farmer I heard something new;
    What it meant, though, I hadn’t a clue.
    He employed the verb “tup”
    Which I promptly looked up.
    The meaning is simple: screw ewe.

  10. Dave Johnson says:

    Concerned by her wandering sheep
    Coyotes continued to reap,
    Stern warnings were shared.
    Some listened and stared;
    While others did not hear a Peep.

  11. Dave Johnson says:

    A plan for political hacks
    Who let their restrictions relax:
    Those places, let’s say,
    Be required to pay
    A local Covidiot tax.

  12. Tony Holmes says:

    “Quelle surprise! These armed robbers attacks
    Aren’t the work of our boys, Phil and Max,
    But one vicious old broad
    Called Ophelia Maraud,
    And her golden girls, Crawford and Sachs.”

  13. Dave Johnson says:

    Hi Mad,

    In my tax posting above, I’d like to slightly alter lines 3 and 4 to read:
    “Those places, let’s say,
    Be required to pay”

    Thanks, Dave


  14. Sondra Landin says:

    I am going to take a quick peep
    At my bro who is now counting sheep.
    I will figure out soon
    When to raid his play room,
    And to grab his great toys in one sweep!

  15. Sondra Landin says:

    I’m painting a scene quite bucolic,
    The sheep like to graze and to frolic;
    Along comes a party
    of folks drinking hearty;
    My art quickly turns alcoholic!

  16. Sondra Landin says:

    He’s gloomily doing his taxes;
    He scribbles and clicks, and he faxes,
    But try as he might
    To lessen the bite,
    ‘Amount owed’ doesn’t wane – it just waxes.

  17. Sondra Landin says:

    Heck, Mad, I’m sorry, and I can’t blame my eyes – just too much chicken soup. It’s wane (not wain) – Line 5.

    Done. And happy Passover!

    PS With matzo balls, I hope. :)

  18. Clay Wild says:

    Oh Lord, one of your sheep’s gone missing
    Amid wolves and pit vipers hissing
    I confess ‘mittedly
    The lost sinner is me…
    If forgiven, your feet I’ll be kissing!

  19. Clay Wild says:

    My teacher, Ms K, most kids hated
    Once had her large EGO deflated
    From those two simple tacks
    Came guffaws, yuks, and yacks
    Lesson learned, plus some new words, X-rated!

  20. Sondra Landin says:

    And to you too! Yes of course with matzo balls! Thank you.

  21. Dave Johnson says:

    Trump’s lackeys, like so many sheep,
    Keep spewing his lies by the heap.
    They tell everyone
    That no damage was done;
    Oh really? Try asking his Veep!

  22. P Diane Schneider says:

    It’s Income Tax Time!

    He’s paying off his income tax
    So into the system he hacks
    While promising me
    That this is the key
    (Of something illegal this smacks)

  23. P Diane Schneider says:

    He goes to the bank and attacks
    Then trucks off his booty in sacks
    To keep wolves at bay
    He does it this way
    To give him the funding he lacks

  24. Dave Johnson says:

    Ever Given a thought this could happen?

    In the Suez Canal it is stuck;
    Now mired in acres of muck.
    Their game plan attacks
    Those containers in stacks;
    Though high tide might bring them more luck.

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    Last week, all she did was relax.
    Just lazed around, eatin’ her snacks.
    I wanted to boogie,
    But she wouldn’t woogie
    And we never got down to brass tacks.

  26. Rudy Landesman says:

    The devil confided in me
    He really would like to be free
    To go to a show
    On Broadway, you know.
    A sheep in wolf’s clothing is he.

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Corriedale: The Oldest Crossbred Breed

    My Sally just started to weep.
    Our bills have become very steep.
    We had nothin’ to eat.
    Our clothes: Obsolete!
    So we bought us a dual-purpose sheep.

    (produces meat and wool)

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    That teacher has one phony pose.
    I’ve noticed the places she goes.
    She Just can’t fool me.
    Cause it’s easy to see
    She’s a wolf in designer sheep’s clothes.

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr. Trump is now getting real old.
    Has insomnia, (can’t be consoled).
    Counting sheep wouldn’t do.
    (Still was up all night through)
    So he counts all the lies he has told.

  30. P Diane Schneider says:


    The COVID virus attacks
    So many sign up for their vacs
    While others won’t go
    But that’s good, you know
    There is now none left on the racks

  31. P Diane Schneider says:

    An eagle comes for the sheep
    And hauls off a lamb with a bleap
    You know what they say
    It’s just nature’s way
    Instinctive behavior runs deep

  32. Lisi Nortman says:

    On the plane, I just couldn’t relax.
    Sat next to a nun, we had snacks.
    I begged her, “Pray quick
    I’m supposed to be sick.
    My guide book says, “panic attacks”

  33. Rudy Landesman says:

    A tyrant can never relax.
    There’s danger of sudden attacks.
    Both Julius in Rome
    And Don here at home
    Complained of a stab in their backs.

    (Hitler did too. But I don’t want him in my limerick.)

  34. Rudy Landesman says:

    My writing, I fear, as I weep
    Is putting my readers to sleep.
    It’s really a shame.
    So, whom should I blame?
    I’m casting some pearls before sheep.

  35. Rudy Landesman says:

    A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
    Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
    Its mommy, the sheep,
    No longer could sleep.
    Her baby would never be mutton.

  36. Tony Holmes says:

    Reggie Jones blows a mean tenor sax’.
    Just the thing when you need to chillax.
    Come apart at the seams,
    She’s less soothing it seems,
    And quite hopeless with panic attacks.

  37. Team MAGA gets down to brass tacks
    wearing shirts for their brand new attacks.
    They say TRUMP 2024
    (printed one year before)
    To own libtards, they must never be lax!

  38. Tim James says:

    “On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
    Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
    Said her dad, “Those are lies;
    Pull the wool from your eyes!”
    And she sheepishly had to agree.

  39. Tony Holmes says:

    I can counter assaults from their backs –
    Don’t you love how buns wiggle in slacks –
    But I have no defence,
    When they field their offence,
    And resort to full frontal attacks.

    This is NOT a sheep limerick. The one below, however, is:

    “’Ave you met our new tup?” “You mean Sid?
    Yes, I heard he’s about, so I hid.
    What’s ‘e like?” “Sid’s a charmer—”
    “So, not like the farmer?”
    “Bid me, ‘’Ow d’ewe do?’ ‘fore ‘e did.”

    Tup: also a noun meaning ‘a ram’.

  40. Doug Harris says:

    As through this mad life we make tracks –
    Uncertainty wielding its axe,
    There are two things for sure
    (It’s so simple, so pure)
    That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    I really don’t eat many snacks.
    Yet I just cannot zip up my slacks.
    What’s happened to me?
    Wonder if it could be
    Those des-per-ate choc’late attacks.

  42. Tony Holmes says:

    Knowing how strict you are, Mad I present this alternative – just in case. It still isn’t a sheep limerick. LOL

    I can counter assaults from their backs –
    Don’t you love how buns wiggle in slacks –
    But I don’t have a play,
    When they jiggle and sway,
    And resort to full frontal attacks.

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Importance Of Coughing

    When I smoke, I completely relax.
    (Takes the place of those fat-ten-ing snacks).
    I work night and day
    In order to pay
    The appropriate, just, excise tax.

  44. Dave Johnson says:

    Regarding the subject of tax,
    Equality’s something it lacks.
    Disparity reigns
    Such as capitol gains
    For shoppers at Walmart and Saks.

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m totally irked as can be.
    There are times that I just want to flee.
    I sure hate this class.
    That boy Jim Is so crass.
    Always makin’ those sheep’s eyes at me.

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    I just love eating all of these graham
    Yummy crackers with butter and jam.
    This diet is hell.
    So I just might as well
    Be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    I certainly cannot relax.
    I just got a real dreadful fax.
    With grammar so bad,
    It sure makes me mad.
    This “prof” should be charged a sin tax.

  48. Rudy Landesman says:

    In London the Ripper’s attacks
    Had bobbies all making fast tracks
    To find his I.D.
    But did they ask me?
    Yes, I was an old chum of Jack’s.

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    Lambs are called sheep when they are over one year of age: the only fact in this limerick that’s true (:

    “The Illegal Housing Of An Underage Sheep”

    Cute Mary sure was in a jam.
    So she and Meat went on the lamb.
    She then fell asleep.
    Until Meat was a sheep.
    Then Mary yelled, “Hot Damn Sweet Ram”

  50. Sondra Landin says:

    The boy at the piano attacks
    The music of Brit Arnold Bax.*
    He pounds and he stumbles,
    Then finally grumbles,
    “I’d rather be playing the sax!”

    * Arnold Bax, moderately well-known British composer of piano and orchestral music. Died 1953.

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: Could you please change lines 3 and 4 of the limerick I wrote today at
    4:59 PM In line 3: Instead of “She fell asleep” I would like it to read,
    She then fell asleep. Also, line 4: Instead of “Till Meat was sheep”
    I would like it to read: Until Meat was a sheep.

    Thank you, Lisi


  52. Tony Holmes says:

    One can say, with a sheep in the hand,
    “Come and feast! I’ve a hearty meal planned.”
    But with two in the bush,
    One is dining on mush.
    Not so hearty. It’s gruel and it’s bland.

  53. Tony Holmes says:

    Your respect for the king and his jacks
    May, at times, be regarded as lax:
    But you wouldn’t dare sneer –
    You’ll stand quaking with fear –
    At the person collecting the tax.

  54. Tony Holmes says:

    It’s ironic that ‘The IRS’
    Should spell ‘Theirs’. It is anyone’s guess
    Who thought, paying your tax,
    It would help you relax.
    That a laugh might relieve the distress.

  55. Brian Allgar says:

    “Free verse” was invented by hacks
    Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
    Without metre or rhyme,
    What they write is a crime –
    The law should impose a syntax.

  56. Sondra Landin says:

    Now I know I must work on my tax;
    I must gather my figures and facts.
    But says my dear chum,
    “Don’t work yourself numb,
    Please just write down some sums and relax!”

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    My darling, I’ve got real great news.
    We can fine-a-ly lie down and snooze.
    We’ve paid “annual tax”
    It’s time to relax.
    Our accoutant is now on a cruise.

  58. Sondra Landin says:

    The wolf in sheep’s clothing is there;
    I can feel his obsequious stare.
    His wide unctuous smile
    is fake by a mile;
    But I wake – he’s not there, anywhere!

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    Great News: No secrets: (What a crowd)

    “I’m running for President, so
    I assure you you’ll never have woe.
    When I raise your tax,
    Sit back and relax.
    Cuz you’ll be the first ones to know”.

  60. Sondra Landin says:

    Mad, I’m embarrassed – I did it again! Should be unctuous – Line 3, in limerick submitted today at 12:33 pm.


  61. Brian Allgar says:

    Despite all his legal attacks,
    His attempted sedition still lacks
    About eight million voters.
    “Those cowards at SCOTUS!”
    Ex-President Duck squawks and quacks.

  62. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh, Mary, I want you to know
    There are ways you can get back at Joe.
    These brutal attacks
    Always work to the max.
    Try the one that’s called “biting low blow”.

  63. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick: line 4 reads “Are surely the max”
    Could you please change that to: Always work to the max
    Thank you, Lisi

    (from 3/30 at 1:50 PM)


  64. Sondra Landin says:

    Discussing our dinner with lamb,
    I said I’d prefer it to ham.
    Then I spied my sweet sheep
    With her lil’ lamb asleep;
    And cried: “Quick piggie, you’d better scram!”

  65. Dave Johnson says:

    Successfully counting those sheep
    Requires one factor to keep:
    The numbers that come
    Will deduct from the sum
    Of minutes that you’re losing sleep.

  66. Clay Wild says:

    Said Swiss Sam to his sheep, “Sweater, please!
    Amber hue, and just like our land’s cheese.”
    So the ewe started knitting
    And it turned out befitting
    But the ‘style’ failed to stop the cold breeze!

  67. Jean McEwen says:

    This rich bitch insists that the tax
    Code’s unfair to her ilk as she racks
    Up her stockpiles of dough.
    How her faux tale of woe
    Of revolting disgustingness smacks!

  68. Jean McEwen says:

    It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
    And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram).
    ‘Cause their pledge of fine wool,
    It turns out, was pure bull–
    And I gullibly fell for their scam.

  69. Kirk Miller says:

    The Venus de Milo is charming,
    But some think it’s rather alarming.
    Beneath shoulders she lacks
    Any limbs, so attacks
    Are made that the statue’s disarming.

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    A Talk Between John And His Dad

    “No one notices me, (makes me blue)
    I’m so lonely, don’t know what to do”

    “Try not paying tax
    And then you’ll relax
    You’ll be noticed like you never knew.

  71. Tony Holmes says:

    “To be hanged for a sheep or a lamb …
    There’s a choice? Then let’s go with the dam.
    True, the meat’s kinda tough.
    What the heck? Off the cuff,
    It should sure stop the bleating re ham.”

  72. Rudy Landesman says:

    Political fortunes will wax
    Or they’ll wane or they’ll fall through the cracks.
    Politicians chagrined?
    They’ll just check the new wind.
    And, as always, the ship of state tacks.

  73. Tim James says:

    Said a mom: “Let’s get down to brass tacks:
    There are some who just need to relax.
    Why, my stepdaughter Lizzie
    Is off in a tizzy,
    Screaming something about forty whacks.”

  74. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    (Gosh, Tim: Though a quite different tack,
    Seems we’re on the same track….)

    Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
    For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
    Is notorious still
    As the goriest thrill
    In one famous Museum of Whacks.

  75. Tony Holmes says:

    “Who’s more tricky than Dickie?” “El Trump?”
    “And less truthful than Bill?” “Info D-ump.”
    “Who inspired those attacks?
    Who sticks knives into backs—”
    “And is still the world’s least favourite chump!”

  76. Lisi Nortman says:

    For the 1040 form I prepare
    A lovely and real-useful prayer.
    Then I fine’ly relax
    When I send in my tax,
    Which makes use of the game, “Truth or Dare”.

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    My fam’ly can fine’ly relax.
    For our safety, I go to the max.
    We’ve a nice indoor pool,
    That surely looks cool.
    Yet were injured by bad shark attacks.

  78. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Mary’s lamb — once at school — wanted in.
    Warned the Master, “Before we begin:
    Though you’ll earn a degree,
    The diplomas aren’t free,
    For I’m told that they’re made of sheep’s skin.”

  79. Dave Johnson says:

    Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
    Here’s something to help you relax:
    Experience Fox
    And those radio jocks
    With volume turned down to the max.

  80. Rudy Landesman says:

    Alternate version of my “Ship of State” limerick.

    Political fortunes will wax
    Or they’ll wane or they’ll fall through the cracks.
    But as everyone knows,
    That just as the wind blows,
    So, as always, the ship of state tacks.

  81. Lisi Nortman says:

    Little Bo Peep: The REAL story

    And speaking of Little Bo Peep,
    Did you hear that she lost all her sheep?
    She’s a pain in the neck.
    Made the sheep just a wreck.
    They escaped to a motel to sleep.

  82. Dave Johnson says:

    For speeders, our neighborhood lacks
    Enforcement to counter their acts.
    Not having a cop,
    Here’s my fantasy stop:
    Imposing our own, local tacks.

  83. Lisi Nortman says:

    I admit that I just have to weep.
    At dinner, my “hub” falls asleep.
    I yell, “Wake up, you bore!
    Eat this lamp chop before
    It turns into an old barnyard sheep”.

  84. Dave Johnson says:

    “No, we’re not a party of sheep!”
    So blathered the MAGA hat creep.
    Describing their herd
    Might take more than one word;
    Now “chickens and pigs” they can keep.

  85. Lisi Nortman says:

    better choice of words than from blog (3/31 8:28PM)

    I admit that I just have to weep.
    During dinner, my “hub” falls asleep.
    I yell, “Wake up , you bore!
    Eat this lamb chop before
    It becomes a real old barnyard sheep.

  86. Sondra Landin says:

    The musicians were playing quite lax,
    They sure sounded like sleepy old hacks;
    Though the maestra was new,
    She knew just what to do;
    She put down on their chairs some sharp tacks!

  87. Tony Holmes says:

    “I don’t know. Never thought – wolf or sheep?
    I’ll admit I quite like Ms Bopeep.
    My desire for this Ma’am
    Would suggest I’m a ram:
    But I also like lamb … this will keep.”

  88. Tony Holmes says:

    “I don’t know. Never thought – wolf or sheep?
    I’ll admit I quite like Ms Bo Peep.
    My desire for this Ma’am
    Would suggest I’m a ram:
    But I’m partial to lamb … this will keep.”


  89. Tony Holmes says:

    “Gather round! Here’s our plan of attack.
    We will strike while they’re still in the sack.
    It is sure to prevail—”
    “But it looks like a nail!”
    “Private Parts! Please go stand at the back.”

    My tribute to Spike Milligan – not unknown in the US – and The Goons. Lines one and four are taken from, ‘Tales of Men’s Shirts: A story of down under’, as might Private Parts, but I can’t be sure.

  90. Tony Holmes says:

    Mad, may I ask you to alter the last line of the limerick posted 12:51am, please.

    I’d like it to read; But I’m partial to lamb … this will keep.”

    Thank you!


  91. Tony Holmes says:

    “We now know that these random attacks
    Are the work of some hottie in slacks.
    She brings men to their knees
    With a daring striptease.
    Then she rolls them and covers her tracks.”

  92. Tony Holmes says:

    “We now know that these wanton attacks
    Are the work of some hottie in slacks.
    She brings men to their knees
    With a daring striptease.
    Before stealing the shirts off their backs.”

    Sorry about this, but be fair! I posted the first at an ungodly hour, so I wasn’t at my best, was I?

  93. Bob Turvey says:

    A man with no hands called old Max,
    Will often have panic attacks;
    He’s a bottle of pills
    Which could cure his ills:
    But the means to unscrew it he lacks.

  94. Bob Turvey says:

    Mr T. – was he goody or baddy?
    If he’d sold all the gold that he had, he
    Could have bought, after tax,
    One of those Cadillacs.
    And called it his Mr T. Caddy.

  95. Bob Turvey says:

    A rugby-mad farmer named Tuck
    Used two sheep to practise his ruck,
    But the grease in the fleece
    Made his grip promptly cease
    And he fell on his face in the muck.

  96. Bob Turvey says:

    The young sheep I feed daily are great.
    They come into my kitchen to wait.
    While eating their slops,
    Some nibble worktops;
    It affects about one laminate.

  97. Tony Holmes says:

    “We now know that these wanton attacks
    Are the work of some hottie in slacks.
    She brings men to their knees
    With a daring striptease,
    Before stealing the shirts off their backs.”

    “More on hottie! Confessed to a priest.
    Thinks all men are just sheep to be fleeced.
    Says as long as she’s hot
    She’ll employ what she’s got.
    Thinks that certain guys won’t be policed.”

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    Little Boy Blue: The TRUE story

    “Hey, Little Boy Blue, where’s your horn?”
    “Don’t care, cuz I’m just so forlorn.
    The goat’s in the tree.
    He won’t listen to me.
    And the sheep are inside watching porn”.

  99. Lisi Nortman says:

    Yes, these are really made!

    My mom’s always been so elite.
    So I bought her a real sheep skin sheet.
    Then we both heard a sound.
    Thought she’d drop to the ground,
    When the sheet bellowed ” baa-baa-baa-bleat”

  100. Tim James says:

    A collection of ignorant hacks
    Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
    Although prospects are dim,
    We could pay for the stim
    If we passed a stupidity tax.

  101. Rudy Landesman says:

    There recently have been attacks
    Not only on Jews, gays and blacks,
    But also on Asians.
    So, stop all evasions.
    This evil must stop in its tracks.

  102. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    “When you swallow a sword just relax,”
    “If it nicks, never carp,
    And to keep yourself sharp
    On days off, you can always chew tacks.”

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    The accountant speaks:

    “You don’t have to be so darn tense.
    Your thought makes a whole lot of sense.
    With the new “Witches Tax”
    You can fine’ly relax.
    Your broom is a travel expense”.

  104. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Attorney Brothers, INC.

    Hey, Michael, I’m very concerned.
    ‘Bout this form that has just been returned.
    This couple paid tax,
    But there’s something it lacks.
    They’ve spent way much more than they’ve earned.

  105. Clay Wild says:

    For ‘The Cup’, it’s all upwind and tacks
    Not much skill when the wind’s at your backs
    Sailors swear at a ‘header’…
    And a ‘lift’ is much better…
    Flying gybes whip the BOOM for head WHACKS!

  106. Clay Wild says:

    So as taxing as limericks can be
    For granted, don’t take them – trust me…
    Should Big G ‘limerick tax’…
    When riled up go our backs…
    So what’s great, ‘least for now… is they’re FREE!

  107. Clay Wild says:

    So the state made a new ‘Pet Duck Tax’
    Big bulls-eye, wife and me, on our backs…
    So I bribed tax man Jake
    With a C-Note handshake
    And it just goes to show “money QUACKS!”

  108. Clay Wild says:

    Now the state, filled with greed, made ‘Game Tax’
    Hide-and-seek and go-fish, even jacks
    I’m not ‘game’, can you tell?
    This tax reeks – ‘gamey’ smell…
    So for now, all my games stay on racks!

  109. Clay Wild says:

    Then the state launched an ‘Ex(er)cise Tax’
    Fees for curls or free weights were the facts
    So I wait – no fat burns…
    While I file my returns…
    For REFUND – I binge, chill, and relax!

  110. Clay Wild says:

    I FORGOT – there’s a new ‘Memory Tax’
    All MY memories are blocked by ear wax…
    As my smart wifey urged…
    Banged my head – memories purged!
    ‘Memory taxed’ for things my head lacks!

  111. Tony Holmes says:

    An accountant, too troubled to sleep,
    Courted somnolence totting up sheep.
    On the verge of a kip,
    One slight clerical slip,
    Meant he had to start over. “Oh … BLEEP!”

  112. Tony Holmes says:

    Just occurred to me that ‘kip’ may not be known in the US – though the context probaly defines it. It’s an informal word for sleep or a nap.

  113. Tony Holmes says:

    “I’ve included mint sauce with their feed
    In the hope that I’ll start a new breed.
    Minted lamb on the hoof!
    Now I’m waiting for proof
    That the idea is set to succeed.”

  114. Tony Holmes says:

    Said the carpenter, pinning his tacks,
    “There’s no need to give these hefty whacks.
    A light tap on the head
    Usually puts them to bed.
    Any harder, the Sellotape cracks.”

    Sellotape = Scotch Tape.

  115. Tony Holmes says:

    “I’m a hoarder. I store things in stacks.
    My mementos and keepsakes in sacks.
    I have made out my will:
    “For my IRS bill –
    Take the lot for my unpaid back tax.”

  116. Mark Totterdell says:

    A cultured and civilised leopard
    Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
    It did not eat them raw,
    But pot-roasted, with slaw
    And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    Welcome to tax preparation service!

    “Mrs. Kitty Cat you always shun
    The dictates you just can’t out run.
    I see that your fax
    Claims deductible tax
    In the box where your business is done”.

  118. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A sad, sentimental lost sheep,
    Whose attachments were known to run deep,
    Once ate a big bonnet,
    To ruminate on it,
    And remind him of Little Bo Peep.

  119. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Baa Baa Baa Black Sheep” The REAL story”

    The black sheep said, “Ain’t got more wool”
    (Don’t believe him, I heard he has pull)
    Claims I’ve used it for rugs
    In exchange for some drugs.
    And he said that he’s sick of my bull.

  120. Bob Turvey says:

    While herding shorn sheep near the Bosphorus,
    Some shepherds said, “Get glue and moss for us!
    The boss can’t know the wool
    Has been sold off in full –
    We hope moss will cover the loss for us.”

  121. Tony Holmes says:

    A lost sheep, now returned to the fold,
    Who by name, Triple X, would make bold
    His escape in the morn’
    As tonight he was torn
    Between freedom and being consoled.

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    The REAL story! Sir Robin Hood is alive and hiding from the I.R.S.

    Sir Robin Hood always completes
    All his duties, (this man never cheats).
    Yet he’s quite a bit lax
    When it comes to his tax.
    Never asks for “Poor People Receipts”

  123. Tim Gray says:

    Have you tried walking on upside down tacks?
    Each covered sole’s slippery like wax.
    Though if your sole is too thin
    Then each tack’s like a pin
    And that’s not an ideal way to relax.

  124. Tim Gray says:

    Is your existence a privilege or right?
    Do you give, or take what you might?
    Are you somewhat lax
    In paying your tax
    Or avoid it with some legal sleight?

  125. Tim Gray says:

    It seems that politics’ fare
    Is not to make you beware,
    But to lull you to sleep
    So you all act like sheep
    And don’t go looking for answers elsewhere.

  126. Tim Gray says:

    There was a young man called Button
    Who hankered after some mutton.
    So a sheep he then stole…
    In a week ate the whole!
    You’d have to say he’s a glutton.

  127. Tim Gray says:

    Another version of the above…

    There was a young man name of Button
    Who hankered after some mutton
    In nary a week
    He ate a whole sheep
    You’d have to say he’s a glutton

  128. Tim Gray says:

    We both sang a sweet roundelay
    As we watched o’er the sheep in the ley.
    And that red sky night,
    (A shepherd’s delight),
    Then an amorous roll in the hay.

  129. Tim Gray says:

    The rich don’t pay all of their tax
    As they legally cover their tracks.
    The poor don’t pay any
    So it’s down to the many
    Middle earners who fill in the cracks.

  130. Tim Gray says:

    Trump’s endured many attacks
    Over his non-payment of tax,
    But he’s just used the tools
    That the corporate ghouls
    Have connived for their use, to the max.

  131. Tim Gray says:

    What do you think I owe to thee?
    This world is here solely for me.
    Don’t ever call me lax
    For not paying my tax,
    I use all the right loopholes you see.

  132. Tony Holmes says:

    “If the sheep would please wait over there …
    And you goats, you can bleat but don’t swear.
    You will get a fair trial –
    It’s too late to resile –
    And it won’t help your case if you glare.”

    “Was it worth it?” “Oh, defo! First rate.”
    “To be hanged just for something you ate?”
    “It seems harsh, I agree,
    But between you and me,
    At first whiff, I succumbed to my fate.”

    The second one, I grant, may seem obscure until you remember the saying, “To be hanged for a sheep …” If my explanation was unneccesary, I apologise. (You see, Clay! Humility.)

  133. Tony Holmes says:

    Gazing round for to take in the views,
    A young ram saw a field full of ewes.
    “Let us run down the hill
    And seduce a few, Bill!”
    “No! Let’s stroll and do more than a few.”

    To all the lady contributors, I apologise for this outrageous and chauvanistic limerick, which is so typical of the male mentality. That said, ’twas Mad chose the theme and I can only work with the materials I’m given.

  134. Lisi Nortman says:

    Gee, Billy made good on his tax.
    He feels that it’s close to the max.
    I told him I miss ’em
    Cant wait till I kiss ’em
    Then asked (who’s it?) to take me to Saks.

  135. Tony Holmes says:

    “In the wake of these savage attacks,
    Some have said our security’s lax,
    Just because wolves have tried –
    Facts cannot be denied –
    But we’ve each got our hide, so relax.”

    An elegant attempt to combine both elements of the challenge, though I can’t remember when a twofer was last singled out for honourable mention. Still, yje muse will not be denied.

  136. Sondra Landin says:

    Yes her concert debut is near due;
    Is she ready? Heck, she has no clue!
    Her harsh sound attacks
    Our ears to the max;
    I’m afraid we’ll all sit there and boo.

    *Fortunately, I never experienced that reaction!

    So glad to hear it! Me neither, thank goodness!

    What’s your instrument? Piano?

    Is this you?

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Mommy, what is the government like?”
    “Sit down, I’ll explain it dear Mike.
    They all work in packs
    When considering tax.
    And always approving a hike.”

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    Uncle Charlie is really a creep.
    At the parties, he won’t say a peep.
    In order to please,
    He always agrees.
    We call him the fam’ly’s white sheep.

  139. Daisy Ward says:

    I beg, please stop these attacks
    On my computer, who keeps getting hack
    Stronger firewalls please
    But I keep getting tease
    By a hacker who covers his tracks

  140. Daisy Ward says:

    I was just like little bow peep
    Who kept trying to count sheep
    I tried to close my eyes
    Then got a big surprise
    Counting sheep had put me to sleep

  141. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Discount Seamstress” (a place to relax)
    She assembles “fixed” clothes on her racks.
    Her price is so cheap,
    That you’ll jump and you’ll leap!
    She repairs all the hemlines with tacks.

  142. Clay Wild says:

    So the goats and the sheep feud, unseen…
    And the goats, filled with envy, are mean
    But the sheep’s skin is thick
    They one-upped goat’s best trick
    Now the goat cheese keeps coming out green!

  143. Lisi Nortman says:

    “La Masochist Shoppe” is the max.
    I go there for “yank it off wax”.
    Oh, those rubdowns are BLISS!
    I always use Chris.
    Just love her massages with tacks.

  144. Lisi Nortman says:

    attacks and sheep (a double)

    An accountant I know can’t relax.
    He hallucinates papers in stacks.
    He’s tried counting sheep,
    But he still couldn’t sleep.
    Due to fabled 1040 attacks.

  145. Sondra Landin says:

    What a good detective you are, Mad!


    LOL! Hmmm … and for my fourth career … :)

  146. Rudy Landesman says:

    As Washington yakety-yaks
    The wealthy, the brass, can relax.
    They don’t pay their share
    And Congress won’t dare
    To try to enact a brass tax.

  147. Dave Johnson says:

    He groggily counted the sheep
    While over the fence they did leap.
    Then one, on a dare,
    Took a whiz in mid-air;
    A baaad way to get back to sleep.

  148. Rudy Landesman says:

    You’re holding a small pair of Jacks.
    And betting your chips to the max.
    But we know that you’re bluffing.
    You’re huffing and puffing.
    And look like you’re sitting on tacks.

  149. Lisi Nortman says:

    I must tell you ’bout dear Uncle Max.
    A lot of good sense this man lacks.
    He’s proposed new pay plans
    For all breath mint fans.
    And one is a tax on Tic Tacs.

  150. Brian Smith says:

    There once was a rich banker named Max,
    Who refused to pay his income tax.
    When the IRS called,
    He attempted to stall,
    But lost everything–even his slacks!

  151. Rudy Landesman says:

    Rip Van Winkle did twenty years sleep
    Having counted just too many sheep.
    On waking, Van Winkle
    He first had to tinkle
    And off to an outhouse he’d creep.

  152. Rudy Landesman says:

    Hi Mad,
    To make my “poker” limerick (April 3. 7:52) read a little smoother, please change lines 2 and 3 to read:

    But we know that you’re bluffing
    You are huffing and puffing



    You meant line 3 and 4 I’m sure.

    Anyway, I made your first requested change, but not the second. Why not? Because if you read lines 3 and 4 together, as a single line to check meter, you’ll see that your second requested change would add an extra unstressed syllable, and that’s one too many. Here’s what it would sound like with both of your changes. (I indicate stressed syllables in all CAPS.)

    But we KNOW that you’re BLU ffing.
    You are HU ffing and PU ffing.


  153. Tony Holmes says:

    They had dubbed him the ‘Flattering Ram’.
    He had ways of seducing a dam.
    But for all of his charm,
    And his ploys to disarm,
    Never once did he say, “Thank you, ma’am.”

    “Yes, we calls ‘im, ‘The Batterin’ Ram’.
    ‘E’s all business. Goes straight at his dam.
    If ‘e don’t get his way,
    ‘E will butt you all day.
    My advice is, take off on the lam.”

  154. Tony Holmes says:

    She was known as the king’s battle-axe.
    His most ruthless collector of tax.
    But the jest’ won her heart –
    No, all joking apart –
    For ‘twas he helped this lady relax.

  155. Tony Holmes says:

    In the face of these wonton attacks –
    All in fam’ly and handy-sized packs.
    Noodles, dumplings and soup!
    There’s no time to regroup.
    We need go to the mattresses snacks.

  156. Tony Holmes says:

    He had ways of seducing a dam.
    So, they dubbed him the ‘Flattering Ram’.
    But for all of his charm,
    And his ploys to disarm,
    Never once did he say, “Thank you, ma’am.”

    Sorry for the repetition, but it is better.

  157. Tony Holmes says:

    Another ram limerick – and, a twofer, I’ve just noticed:

    “He employs very sneaky attacks.
    If you’re wise, you will all watch your backs.”
    “Is he shy?” “We can’t tell.
    And regarding the smell,
    We’ve been told he was brought up by yaks.”

  158. Tony Holmes says:

    I’m calling them, “The Ram Quartet”

    “It’s about time you took a day off!
    Don’t you ever get bored? Boff, boff, boff!
    We need more in our lives!”
    “I’ve got six hundred wives!
    It’s a wonder I find time to cough.”

  159. Tony Holmes says:

    What do sheep count when chasing their zeds?”
    When wild thoughts buzz around in their heads?
    Does it seem fair to you
    They can’t do as we do?
    ‘Spose they just have to toss in their beds.

  160. Tony Holmes says:

    Wendy-Rose, the insomniac sheep,
    Can’t remember when last she had sleep.
    “Oi woz chewin’ away
    On a mouthful of ‘ay
    But Oi couldn’ say when – ask Bo Peep!”

  161. Tony Holmes says:

    “And speaking of yaks—” “Which we weren’t”
    “They’re much tastier when they’re not burnt.
    Lost our sheep – wolf attacks.
    So we thought, ‘Let’s try yaks.’
    It’s been error and trial, but we’ve learnt.”

  162. Tony Holmes says:


    An old ram who was long past his best
    Could, with effort, still puff out his chest.
    Every Spring, thoughts bombard –
    The old urges die hard.
    After thinking about it, he’d rest.

  163. Tony Holmes says:

    And no, should the question spring to mind, that last one is not autobiographical. Not just yet.

  164. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend, Judy, says, “Let’s go relax
    See a show and have dinner at Mac’s”
    I’m ready to go,
    Then I call and say, “no”
    Cuz I’m gettin’ those lim’rik attacks.

  165. Tony Holmes says:

    These two very aggressive young rams
    Were enamoured of Lil’ – she had gams …
    So, to see who she’d wed,
    They said, “Right! Head-to-head.”
    Said their mum, “They’ve been like it since lambs.”

  166. Tony Holmes says:

    An old ram who’d been put out to grass –
    He’d been given a clock made of brass –
    Found a dirty old mac
    And, when feeling the lack,
    Took to flashing whoever should pass.

    Don’t even go there!

  167. Lisi Nortman says:

    My friend, Cynthia, said, “Let’s make tracks.
    We’ll go the beach and relax.
    Then we’ll swim in the sea
    With all that debris,
    And join feeding frenzy attacks”.

  168. Tony Holmes says:

    “Ah! The wolf in sheep’s clothing disguise.
    You’ve a dastardly plan, I surmise?”
    “Not at all. I like drag.
    There are times I’m a stag,
    But tonight it’s De Sade and Chastise.”


  169. Tony Holmes says:

    “To avoid or evade – what’s the dif’?”
    “To evade is illegal, you stiff!
    To avoid paying tax
    Is legit, so relax.
    Our accountant is on it.” “What if …?”

  170. Brian Smith says:

    As April 15th draws to a near,
    Sit back and crack open a cold beer,
    If you pay all of your tax,
    The House will pass a new act,
    And you’ll dish out even more next year!

  171. Lisi Nortman says:

    My woolies all graze on the hills.
    Last week, they just gave me the chills.
    They stripped off their wool.
    They were naked in full.
    Cuz the cattle requested sheep thrills.

  172. Lisi Nortman says:

    better grammar: (tense-wise)

    My friend, Judy, said, “Let’s go relax.
    See a show, then have dinner at Mac’s.”
    I was ready to go,
    Then I called and said, “no”
    (I was gettin’ those lim’rik attacks.)

  173. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: oops! L5 was supposed to be: (I was gettin’ those lim’rik attacks)
    L5 (4/4 1:23 PM)
    Could you please change that for me?
    Thank you,


  174. Kirk Miller says:

    The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
    I find that I’m in a big jam.”
    And ewe knew he would cry
    When he said with a sigh,
    “Young sheep have all gone on the lam.”

  175. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    When his fleece got too curly and twee,
    Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
    Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
    Que sera que sera —
    Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”

  176. Lisi Nortman says:

    My adorable sheep uttered, “Moo”
    So I asked, “What has happened to you?”
    He was so thrilled to pass
    The finals in class.
    And now he’s bilingual, (who knew?)

  177. Tony Holmes says:

    Golden rule in the art of relax:
    Avoid work that is likely to tax.
    Stress will not only kill,
    It will undermine chill.
    So, find work that diverts and distracts.

  178. Tony Holmes says:

    Golden rule in the art of relax:
    Avoid work that is likely to tax.
    Stress will not only kill,
    It will undermine chill.
    So, find work that diverts and distracts.

    “Be a shepherd?” “That’s one road to take.
    Just think through all the choices you make.
    Live your life to the max
    But avoid heart attacks –
    That’s the whole ball of wax – for Pete’s sake.”

  179. Tony Holmes says:

    Dear Sjaan, I have to pay my compliments on your lovely – and brilliant – ‘Que sera …’ limerick, above. Gorgeous!

  180. Tony Holmes says:

    To be hanged for a sheep as a lamb …
    “I’ve got both! Had I known … blast and damn!”
    “I don’t mean to deride
    But what made you decide
    To bring both?” “We were chased by the ram.”

  181. Tony Holmes says:

    Mad, that should be ‘Hanged for a sheep as a lamb.’ Please change the ‘or’ to ‘as’.

    Thank you.


  182. Tony Holmes says:

    With her clothes held together by tacks,
    The stripteaser helped tailers relax.
    Admiring the stitching,
    While she was unhitching,
    Meant getting their thrills to the max.

  183. Lisi Nortman says:

    Seems my boyfriend is one ill-bred creep.
    And last night I could not help but weep.
    I said, “Dinner’s at eight.”
    He was just so damn late.
    (All alone, he wolfed down leg of sheep)

  184. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s shearing time, I’m feelin’ grim.
    Told my shearer, “Now listen here, Jim:
    I don’t like being bald.
    It makes me appalled.
    So today, Jim, I’ll just have a trim”.

  185. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Tony — Thanks for the compliment! After reading forthcoming limerick, promise you won’t take it back.

    Tossing, turning, she makes not a peep,
    Thinking, “I wool count puns about sheep!”
    If she cud, she’d eschewe
    Thoughts of ramming them through,
    And risk putting Mad’s whole flock to sleep.

  186. Tony Holmes says:

    My compliment to you was altogether deserved and you are most welcome. A powerful sense of gallantry forbids me to comment on your most recent offering, as I prefer to continue in contemplation of the marvels of your earlier work and so, as yet, am unable to give my attention to the more recent. LOL XX

  187. Lisi Nortman says:

    For Sjaan, concerning your latest limerick:

    What I’m writing might sound a bit odd.
    I’ve advice for you, so help me God:
    Your lim’rik was fab!
    Yet a little bit drab.
    Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

  188. Lisi Nortman says:

    This is better:

    Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
    I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
    That lim’rik was fab,
    Yet a little bit drab.
    Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

  189. Tim James says:

    I get ’80s nostalgia attacks:
    I recall logging onto a VAX.
    “Floppy” disks of the day
    Were slid into drive A;
    We sent documents via a “fax.”

  190. Lisi Nortman says:

    My third and last try at a limerick that makes SENSE!

    For Sjaan:

    What I’m typing might seem a bit odd:
    Here’s the truth, Sjann, so help me God.
    Though your lim’rik was “fab”,
    It was just a bit drab.
    Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

  191. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Their damned Parliament’s breaking our backs
    ’Cause it levies too much with its acts.
    If those prigs will not wise up,
    Then we Whigs need to rise up!
    My suggestion is razing attacks.

  192. Tony Holmes says:

    A rare beauty is Little Bo Peep,
    The delight of a shepherd called Reep.
    And whenever Peep go,
    For to be with her beau,
    They don’t waste any time counting sheep.

    For those of a nasty, suspicious turn of mind, Reep is a genuine name and originally meant ‘an area controlled by the church.’

  193. They said “Do you have any wool?”
    I replied “I have 3 big bags full”
    But the market is slack
    For a fleece that is black
    This racism’s not very cool.

  194. Tony Holmes says:

    “Ah, a nice cup of tea! I’ll relax.
    Take a break from these lim’rick attacks.
    I might even try sleep.
    Heaven knows, I’ve got sheep –
    But who’s counting – Bo Peep’s got the snacks.”

  195. Lisi Nortman says:

    Recent data has fine-a-ly shown
    There is something called “terrified zone”.
    These scary attacks
    Reach their peak to the max
    When you’re sure that you can’t find your phone.

  196. Lisi Nortman says:

    Ev’ry now and then, squirrels hide in huts.
    Be mindful, and don’t be a putz.
    You mustn’t be lax.
    They do brutal attacks.
    So remember, you must hide your nuts.

  197. Tony Holmes says:

    With her clothes held together by tacks,
    The stripteaser helped tailers relax.
    All admiring the stitching,
    While she was unhitching,
    So enhancing their thrills to the max.

    Sorry for this, but the last line was spoiling it.

  198. Tony Holmes says:

    Breaking news on the Wonton attacks!
    We have countered with nibbles and snacks.
    For a while, touch and go,
    But statistics now show
    That we’ve stopped their advance in its tracks.

  199. Tony Holmes says:

    I know this is annoying, and i apologise; but I had to get it right.

    With her clothes held together by tacks,
    The stripteaser helped tailers relax.
    While she was unhitching,
    Admirers of stitching,
    Exploited their thrills to the max

  200. Tony Holmes says:

    The Life and Times Of Sid, The Charmer: Epilogue:

    When the farmer said, “Sid’s had his day.”
    Sid went off on his own, for to pray.
    “I’ve no cause for complaint,
    But quite ready I ain’t.
    So, please! Don’t let him send me away.”

    Yes, part of the ‘Ram Hexalogy’, properly so called.

  201. Tony Holmes says:

    Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
    Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
    Elsie said, “You look blue.’
    Sid replied, “So will you.
    I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

    I expect that only the very naughtiest of readers will get this one – so that should be most of you. (Not you, Sjaan, obviously.)

  202. Lisi Nortman says:

    Well, first, I’ll buy real pricey wine.
    I’ll be dining at “Cuisine Divine”.
    My refundable tax,
    I’ve been told is the max.
    Just heard ’bout my $1.29

  203. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
    Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
    I’ve lambasted bovid —
    I blame it on Covid.
    Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).

  204. madkane says:


    My website host just did a “server upgrade” which has caused technical problems with both my blogs. So don’t be surprised if you see weird errors throughout this and my other posts and in some of the comments as well.

    While you can still post your comments here, don’t be surprised if you see weirdness in your comments. Hopefully, this will be fixed soon by the people who created this problem.

  205. Tony Holmes says:

    “Ah, a nice cup of tea! I’ll relax.
    Take a break from these lim’rick attacks.
    I might even try sleep.
    Heaven knows, I’ve got sheep –
    But who’s counting? here’s Bo with the snacks.”

    An improvement and a test.

  206. Tony Holmes says:

    “Being vegan? I can’t really say.
    I, of course, was brought up in that way.
    Are there foods that surpass
    A nice field of fresh grass?
    Yes, I think so. I’m partial to hay.”

  207. Tony Holmes says:

    I realise that the limerick above could apply to any and every ruminant, but in this instance, it’s definitely sheep.

  208. Tony Holmes says:

    Said the therapist, “Tell me, Miss Peep,
    Do you often obsess in your sleep?”
    “I should say, my young gun!
    Since I turned eighty-one,
    Every thought turns to, ‘Where are my sheep?'”

  209. Tony Holmes says:

    Replacing the corrupted versions above.

    When the farmer said, Sid’s had his day.
    Sid went off on his own, for to pray.
    I’ve no cause for complaint,
    But quite ready I ain’t.
    So, please! Don’t let him send me away. (Last Of The Ram Hexalogy)

    Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
    Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
    Elsie said, “You look blue.”
    Sid replied, “So will you.
    I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

  210. Sondra Landin says:

    In the middle of night she attacks
    All her musical problems that wax;
    Chords loudly do land
    On her Steinway grand,
    ‘Til the neighbors shout: “Pipe down, it wracks!”

  211. Tony Holmes says:

    It depends very much on your views.
    When we hear woolly jumpers we muse.
    You will think, Knitted dress?
    Silly man! But, oh, bless –
    Whereas I picture frisky young ewes.

  212. Tony Holmes says:

    An old ram who was long past his prime
    Took the field for the very last time.
    Sympathetic young ewes
    All lined up. Don’t confuse
    Im. Poor lad! E’s for ultimate. Crime!

    If this doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, you’re heartless.

  213. Tony Holmes says:

    It was now fourteen months since Bo Peep
    Had mislaid Farmer Good’s eighteen sheep.
    To make up for the loss
    She’d moved in with her boss.
    Farmer Good wasn’t getting much sleep.

    “So, how was it for ewe?” asked the ram.
    “Oh, the earth moved.” “It did? Thank you, ma’am.”
    “Farmer Good and his team
    Dynamited the stream.
    I heard tell that he’s building a dam.”

  214. Tony Holmes says:

    “It depends very much on your views.
    When we hear ‘woolly jumpers’ we muse.
    You will think, ‘Knitted dress’ –
    Brightly hued, to impress –
    Whereas I picture frisky young ewes.”

  215. Tony Holmes says:

    We get in on an Oakley apiece.
    Catch the usher eyeballing my ‘niece’.
    I’m no uncle, ha, ha.
    After this it’s. “Ta, ta!”
    This old ram is attached to his fleece.

  216. madkane says:

    UPDATE: Unfortunately, my site is still undergoing repairs, due to encoding errors caused by my site host’s server upgrade. Consequently, I’m forced to extend this Limerick-Off by one week. Your new submission deadline is Saturday April 17 at 4 p.m. Eastern.

  217. Tom Vincent says:

    Mad Kane: Another week? Be still my beating heart
    Has Mad Kane’s host server been lax?
    And opened itself to attacks?
    No matter the score
    You have one week more
    And those are the actual facts

  218. Tony Holmes says:

    Artist’s model, Loretta Bo Peep,
    Took to posing sans clothes with her sheep.
    Gravy magnate, Gay Knorr,
    Said he liked what he saw,
    And enquired if the sheep would work cheap?

  219. Tony Holmes says:

    “It would seem these sporadic attacks
    Are no longer an issue. This smacks—”
    “Never mind! If they’re gone
    We’ve survived The Wonton.”
    “Does that mean we can write-off these snacks?”

  220. Tony Holmes says:

    Naughty pictures of Missy Bo Peep
    Were a source of great shame to her sheep.
    “What is sauce for the ram
    Isn’t fit for a lamb!”
    “’Tis that farmer’s to blame. He’s a creep!”

  221. Tony Holmes says:

    Said the farmer, addressing his sheep,
    “Don’t you fret about Little Miss Peep!
    I have posted her bail,
    So she’ll be out of jail
    In two shakes of a tail. Go to sleep!”

  222. Tony Holmes says:

    “Breaking news on that flock of lost sheep!
    They aren’t lost! They were sold by Ms Peep.
    Seems she got into debt
    With a horny old vet
    And the vig he applied was too steep.”

  223. Tony Holmes says:

    “So, Bo Peep was a wolf in disguise?
    Might’ve guessed. You could see it, the eyes.”
    “That, and how she gained weight –
    All that mutton she ate.
    Yes, the thing that hurts most, is the lies.”

  224. Terry marter says:

    It started with paint specks and spacks
    plus a deluge of pink and blue wax.
    Then some Hand-crafted spears
    Flew close by my ears, –
    Can’t take any more art attacks.

  225. Rudy Landesman says:

    Pax Romana

    The opera’s been under attacks
    In Rome, by vociferous claques.
    They shout and they boo
    Throw tomatoes, that too.
    What became of that old Roman Pax?

  226. Rudy Landesman says:

    As of today

    Lisi has just forty-nine
    D’you think that she still has the time
    To catch “Sheepy” Tony
    Who’s managed, alone he,
    To put sixty-five all on line?

    With all due respect and love to you both.

  227. Tony Holmes says:

    In our modern world, Little Bo’s sheep
    Have embedded smart chips that go, ‘Bleep!’
    Should you rustle today,
    You’ll be nabbed straight away.
    So, don’t sow and you shan’t have to reap.

    Looking up from the grass, an old ram
    Caught the eye of his favourite dam.
    When bidden come hither,
    The ram didn’t dither,
    And, forever the gent thanked the ma’am.

    In the light of Rudy’s limerick – above – I suppose I must confess all. I was a child progeny – or is it prodigious? Whatever – in addition to which, I’m also on the same medication as Lisi – but I cheat! I’m double-dosing. There you have it. The truth at last.

  228. Tony Holmes says:

    “Miss Bo Peep’s in the family way!”
    “Well, you can’t keep her out of the hay.”
    “Do you think it’s the ram?”
    “No. More likely young Tam.
    Always said he would lead her astray.”

  229. Tony Holmes says:

    An old ram, all alone in the dell,
    Was perplexed. ‘Do these circs sound the knell?
    Am I down for the drop?
    Nowt but scrag-end and chop?
    Don’t be daft! You’re still prime personnel!’

  230. Tony Holmes says:

    It were well I move on from the sheep.
    I was hoping we’d have a clean sweep.
    Endless visions of rams
    Tupping fields full of dams …
    It is hardly conducive to sleep.

  231. Tony Holmes says:

    It were well I move on from the sheep.
    I was hoping we’d have a clean sweep.
    Endless visions of rams
    Tupping fields full of dams …
    Well, it’s hardly conducive to sleep.

    “And these visions?” “This fortnight just past.
    Just how long do you think they will last?”
    “Well, at least one more week.
    Would it help if I speak …?”
    “No, thanks, Doc’. Will the tablets work fast?”

  232. Tony Holmes says:

    “In the face of these vicious attacks …
    Well, of course I’ve plunged knives into backs.
    Do I look paranoid?
    I’ll rephrase. I’m annoyed
    That these rumours I started are facts.”

  233. Tony Holmes says:

    “It was hardly a vicious attack.
    Some poor guy in a shabby old mac.”
    “Yes, but when he revealed
    What the coat had concealed,
    What alarmed was the thing looking back.”

  234. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    My sheep has gone off, so to speak,
    And, in this case, it hap-puns to reek.
    The odor is offal,
    Which isn’t unlawful,
    But could be by this time next week.

  235. Tony Holmes says:

    Said the lamb, who’d been weaned from the teat,
    To the ram, “How did you and mum meet?”
    “It were love at first sight,”
    Said the ram, “Moonlit night,
    And your mum only ewe not to bleat.”

    Those with a good ear will detect a slight Yorkshire accent in the ram’s reply.

  236. Tony Holmes says:

    Sjaan, a punster of no fixed abode,
    Saw the future and everything slowed.
    She liked sheep well enough,
    But a third week? That’s tough!
    “Could be worse – just think back to commode.”

  237. Tony Holmes says:

    From the wolf’s point of view, grazing sheep,
    Are temptation enough not to sleep.
    But throw in a good fight
    And you’ve got a great night.
    And to top it all off, Miss Bo Peep.

  238. Lisi Nortman says:

    There are 3 things that can’t be dismissed.
    These truths will forever exist:
    They are death and the tax.
    Hold on, don’t relax.
    Cuz out there’s a woman who’s pissed.

  239. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr. One Inch just wanted attention.
    His appeal was by no means convention.
    He did not yet file tax,
    But he sent in a fax,
    Requesting a real long extension.

  240. Tony Holmes says:

    This is why a boy needs his dad.

    “Son, did you take a few of my tacks?”
    “To take vengeance for various acts.
    Teacher’s chair, punctured butt.
    They fell over. Plan – phut!”
    “You’ll be needing this small ball of wax.”

  241. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Hearing Voices”

    I admit that I’m sure “in the red”.
    But this season, I’m not feeling dread.
    For reduction in tax,
    I can fine’ly relax.
    My dependents are all in my head.

  242. Lisi Nortman says:

    a reply to Rudy Landesman concerning his limerick from April 10th.
    in which he compared the number of Tony’s limericks to mine.

    Mr. Holmes cranks them out, he’s so fine.
    Can’t keep up with him, so I must whine.
    It’s compassion he lacks,
    With his well-formed attacks.
    Since his crank is much bigger than mine.

    LOL, Tony. JUST A JOKE!! (:

  243. Lisi Nortman says:

    Play Dead

    Watch out for those mean bear attacks.
    They will kill you with just a few whacks.
    The KEY is “play dead”
    They’ll be stumped and misled.
    (Bring your coffin along to relax)

  244. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mrs. Thumbtacks has 500 stacks
    Of pushpins she keeps in her shacks.
    She’s unhinged and she’s mad.
    Stay away from her pad.
    (You’ll be under attack with her tacks.)

  245. Tony Holmes says:

    I know it, Lisi! LOL XX

  246. Lisi Nortman says:

    “A Christmas Carol” The REAL story

    Ebenezer Sheep never got fah.
    Wasn’t nice to his ma and his pa.
    Lived alone in a tree.
    A curmudgeon was he.
    And repeatedly howled, “Humbug Baah”.

  247. Lisi Nortman says:

    Today at 12:48 :my limerick did not make sense. Try again

    There are three things that can’t be dismissed.
    These truths will forever exist:
    They are death and the tax.
    One more fact, don’t relax.
    There will always be someone who’s pissed.

  248. Lisi Nortman says:

    My young son wants to nourish his brain
    Asks me questions and some I explain.
    “Is the moon made of cheese?”
    And “Who built the trees?”
    And “Why don’t the sheep shrink in rain?”

  249. Tony Holmes says:

    Way to go, Lisi! LOL

  250. Tony Holmes says:

    “These old ladies are vicious!” “Relax!
    When the time comes, we all’ve got your backs.
    We’ve got SWAT standing by,
    State militia on high,
    And a psych’ team for panic attacks.”

  251. Tony Holmes says:

    Vive la difference! So, when you say ’pissed’
    You mean vexed – am I getting the gist?
    Whereas here, booze attacks
    And they’re flat on their backs,
    And if cross, then it’s drunk with a twist.

  252. Tony Holmes says:

    “I have dine-ed on mutton and lamb,
    Whilst pursuing bold thoughts on the ram.
    I have scuppered Bo Peep,
    As a keeper of sheep,
    And, quite frankly, I don’t give a damn!”

  253. Tim James says:

    Corporations avoid paying tax
    While they pile up the money in stacks.
    “But it’s legal!” they say
    As it’s all waved away
    By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.

  254. The QOP amped up attacks
    crying “Pedo!” But with Gaetz, they are lax.
    Maybe now, they’ll say,
    “We just wanted to say ‘gay,’
    but were forced to try something with tact!”

  255. Tony Holmes says:

    “’Twas the night before Christmas—” “Oh, yes?”
    “I was peckish indeed, I confess.
    I had lally of lamb,
    And a gammon of ham …
    Silly man! I called Pizza Express.”

    ‘Lally’ is Polari for leg.

  256. Terry marter says:

    Mad, – would you please delete previous version of this one (April 9) thanks.

    Midlife Crisis he now must appease
    With a Sailboat in storms on high seas.
    His Boat slowly cracks
    as he Jibes and he tacks
    and finds Sailing so scary, he pees.


  257. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Lim’rick Relay is picking up speed,
    With L.Nortman, T. Holmes in the lead.
    Sjaan grabs the baton, it
    Has sheep dip smeared on it.
    “I’m okay!” she yells, “Just what I need!”

  258. Dave Johnson says:

    A dog that was working with sheep
    Grew angry when some kind of creep
    Launched a low-flying drone.
    He would have to atone
    For guessing how high she could leap.

  259. Lisi Nortman says:

    A Formal Request : Next Day Delivery:

    Dear I.R.S., I’m really pissed.
    There is something that I must insist.
    When it comes to my tax,
    As you know, I’ve been lax.
    So please take me off of your list.

  260. Tony Holmes says:

    Dipping sheep is a messy affair
    And you don’t want that stuff in your hair.
    You’ll get blisters and boils,
    And dried up natural oils.
    On the plus side, your ticks will despair.

    It’s not true about the blisters, boils and oils – so far as I know – but I had to say something. (Poet’s licence?)

  261. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    At her server, Mad spit out a “Bah!”
    Seems her RAM had a jam…blah blah blah.
    Beastly botch-up, no joke,
    (Made her choke on her toke).
    The response she got back? “Mwah-ha-ha!”

  262. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
    Or inject it right into your rump.
    It works against Covid,
    Just ask any bovid.
    I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.

  263. Sondra Landin says:

    For a sheep-shearing contest last May,
    I had brought my fine tools to display;
    I cut, trimmed and shaved;
    The sheep, well-behaved
    ‘Til one butted-and I scampered away!

  264. Tony Holmes says:

    “What I’m slaying is, deep ship’s all right.
    All these blowhards – I’d smooch ‘em on sight.
    Don’t you heave what they say!
    They’ll get married away
    And you’ll see they just shed it for slight.”

  265. Tony Holmes says:

    Sjaan has entered the lim’rick relay –
    Though she’s coming in late – no, fair play.
    She has Lisi in sight
    But with sheep dip, she might
    Drop the baton and call it a day.

  266. Rudy Landesman says:

    She’s been walking around in a trance.
    She once took a brief, sheepish glance
    At a man, a real jock,
    And got a big shock,
    When she noticed the bulge in his pants.

  267. Clay Wild says:

    ‘Twas a ‘woolve’, prone to cupidity
    Who raised the sheep’s rate of morbidity
    Shep Hurd chose to ignore…
    “Guess I’ll simply make more…!”
    Unsurpassed scale of stupidity!

  268. Clay Wild says:

    “In Ewe We Trust” – new Amendment revealed
    Sheepish ploy, power-play did sheep wield
    EVERY flock resident
    Would NOW be ‘PRESIDENT’
    Since ‘OUT-STANDING’ are all in their field!

  269. Rudy Landesman says:

    There’s Lisi, there’s Tony and Sjaan
    Writing lim’ricks as much as they can
    And sheepishly, Rudy
    Is doing his duty
    To be a sublime also-ran.

    Sjaan, I hope I am pronouncing your name correctly. If not, you’ll just have to change it.

  270. Rudy Landesman says:

    I’m starting to get a bit sick
    Of limeriques all so sheepiques.
    So pardon my French
    Let’s clear up the stench
    Or else I might call in the fliques.

  271. Tony Holmes says:

    Yes, that’s it. Let’s go à La Française!
    We’ll say sheep as Les Frenchmen would says.
    We’ll have mouton for sheep –
    Hey! No falling asleep!
    Oh, don’t worry. It’s only a phase.

  272. Tony Holmes says:

    “Daddy! Daddy! I have to do tax
    For my homework.” “Okay, but relax.
    You’ll find forms on the shelf –
    I don’t pay it myself –
    But I think I can help with the facts.”

    Think Jeff Bezos – as the dad, obviously.

  273. Mike says:

    Our Donald is still seeking tax
    From a system that’s really too lax.
    We don’t want to pay
    So we must find a way
    To stop any further attacks.

  274. Mike says:

    To guess at the end of pandemic
    Requires the world’s best academic.
    We must follow like sheep
    Up a hill that is steep
    To stop it now it is endemic.

  275. Tony Holmes says:

    Que je suis bete! Mad, April 13, 1:23am above, line 4 should end in an exclamation point. Would you do the honours, please. Thank you!


  276. Lisi Nortman says:

    We call April, “The Month Of The Tax”.
    Not a problem, we always relax.
    Seems this is the season
    (For some curious reason)
    We cherish our kids to the max.

  277. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Now the flock is beginning to mill,
    And the race is apace — what a thrill!
    Rudy pulls up the end,
    Holmes is way ’round the bend,
    Sjaan and Lisi? They’re over the hill!

  278. Tony Holmes says:

    With my knuckles now trailing the floor,
    I am done! I can’t do anymore.
    Go away, sheep and tax!
    Let a body relax.
    I have mined every ounce of the ore.

  279. Tony Holmes says:

    “Oh, what joy! An evader of tax.
    As regards his returns he is lax.
    Be he never so poor
    I’ll appear at his door
    And my screws will be turned to the max.”

    I lied. Sue me!

  280. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was failing, and sure on the skids.
    And my code of behavior forbids
    Not paying your tax,
    But for that, wasn’t lax
    I just borrowed the neighborhood kids.

  281. Lisi Nortman says:

    TRUE ! I was about age 4.

    Well, after my story was read,
    I always was filled with much dread.
    Mommy said, “Time for sleep.
    If you can’t just count sheep”.
    And I thought they were under my bed.

  282. Lisi Nortman says:

    better !

    Right after my stories were read,
    I always had feelings of dread.
    Mom would say, “Time for sleep,
    If you can’t, just count sheep”.
    And I thought they were under my bed.

  283. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Dear Rudy, I feel where you’re at,
    Shear exhaustion can make one feel flat.
    Still, if you start bleating
    In French, you’ll be cheating.
    And what sort of sheep trick is that?

  284. Clay Wild says:

    More effective than counting of sheep
    INSOMNIA Lim’ricks that, coming, keep…
    Week extension from Mad
    Was real ‘straight-jacket’ baaad….
    We’ve ALL gone OFF the END, that’s soooo DEEP!

  285. Rudy Landesman says:

    Liebe Sjaan, sei doch bitte mir brav,
    Und sei ruhig genau wie ein Schaf.
    Und beruhige dich
    Nicht Franzoesisch bin ich
    Und stoere mir nicht meinen Schlaf.

  286. Tony Holmes says:

    “Where we off to?” asked Elsie the ewe.
    “Don’t ask me, Els’. I haven’t a clue.”
    Someone said, “Abattoir.”
    “That sounds French.” “Ooh, la, la!”
    And with that, they continued to chew.

    I’ve entered the dark zone now.

  287. Tony Holmes says:

    “So, this tax thing – how much do they take?”
    “All depends. Do they know what you make?”
    “I sincerely hope not!
    I quite like what I’ve got.”
    “Well, who knows? They might give you a break.”

    I know this doesn’t qualify, but I’d done it before I realised, and at this stage, I’m grateful for anything my muse puts puts up for grabs.

  288. Tony Holmes says:

    “Where we off to?” asked Elsie the ewe.
    “Don’t ask me, Els’. I haven’t a clue.”
    Someone said, “Abattoir.”
    “That sounds French.” “Ooh, la, la!”
    “Hope the ram’s there – I fancy a screw.”

    The romantic ending – no pun intended. (Sorry, Sjaan! Didn’t mean to trespass.LOL)

  289. Tony Holmes says:

    We like sheep, all exist to pay tax.
    All our lives, we can’t ever relax.
    As our fortunes increase,
    State and Fed’ take the fleece,
    And their final demand brings no pax.

  290. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Mary’s lamb learned to love the word “schaf.”
    When she herd it, it gave her a laff.
    It appeared in a sermon,
    All written in German,
    Und intended to put her to schlaf.

    Rudy–You’re brilliant! I can tell (even though I only speak pigeon-esperanto and pig latin). When I think of all the animals to be raised after the sheep are
    grown! Did you correct that to “groan”?

  291. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:


    The Light Brigade volleyed and thundered.
    Will they never be vanquished? Some wondered.
    But against all attacks,
    Lim’ricks piled up in stacks,
    While they wrote (not in rote) the three hundred!

  292. Rudy Landesman says:

    O.K. Sjaan, ya wanna get literary?

    About some ancient mariners.

    The boards all did shrink and had cracks.
    The sailors, in thirst, on their backs.
    They could not rescind
    The curse of “no wind”.
    Their ship did no jibes and no tacks.

  293. Tony Holmes says:

    Who’d have thought it? A popular theme.
    We are ovine obsessed it would seem.
    Then there’s Sjaan, who must pun,
    Which all adds to the fun,
    Verbal high jinks and venting of steam.

    Rudy! You’re a show off!

  294. Tony Holmes says:

    “No, it never has happened before.”
    “Most distressing. Now please tell me more.”
    “I went in for to tup,
    But it wouldn’t stay up –
    And ewes thwarted can get very sore.”

  295. Tony Holmes says:

    “No, it never has happened before.”
    “Most distressing. Now please tell me more.”
    “I went in for the tup,
    But it wouldn’t stay up –
    And ewes thwarted can get very sore.”

    “Tell me, what do you dream when you sleep?”
    “I see field upon field full of sheep.”
    “And this brings you erect?”
    “Not at all! The effect
    Is to make me start counting and weep.”

  296. Tony Holmes says:

    Sid and Elsie on honeymoon were.
    Just the thought of his ewe made him stir.
    She was keen, that’s for sure,
    And what ram could ask more.
    When he gave her the, “Come on!” “Yes, Sir!”

    I felt the need to explore both ends of the spectrum.

  297. Tony Holmes says:

    “No, it never has happened before.”
    “Most distressing. Now please tell me more.”
    “I went in for the tup,
    But it wouldn’t stay up –
    And ewes thwarted can get very sore.”

    “Tell me, what do you dream when you sleep?”
    “I see field upon field full of sheep.”
    “And this brings you erect?”
    “Not at all! The effect
    Is to make me start counting and weep.”

    “Have you ever considered you’re gay?”
    “I’m a ram!” “Every ram has his day.
    Take a look at these chaps.
    Are you stirring, perhaps?”
    “Well, I never!” “A handsome display.”

    That’s the entire spectrum covered, now.

  298. Brian Allgar says:

    The killer goes mad with an ax,
    And his victims are bundled in sacks.
    But none of them bleeds;
    All the corpses are weeds,
    The results of his garden attacks.

  299. Brian Allgar says:


    Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
    It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
    I get hunger attacks
    And I need little snacks,
    So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.

  300. Tony Holmes says:

    Sorry about this, but I’ve improved the second line in the last limerick, and who knows? I might just get lucky this week. Hint, hint.

    “No, it never has happened before.”
    “Most distressing. Now please tell me more.”
    “Well, I went for the tup,
    But it wouldn’t stay up –
    And ewes thwarted can get very sore.”

    “Tell me, what do you dream when you sleep?”
    “I see field upon field full of sheep.”
    “And this brings you erect?”
    “Not at all! The effect
    Is to make me start counting and weep.”

    “Have you ever considered you’re gay?”
    “I’m a ram!” “That’s a given, I’d say.
    Take a look at these chaps.
    Are you stirring, perhaps?”
    “Well, I never!” “A handsome display.”

  301. Tony Holmes says:

    “What’s the point? They’ll just take it in tax.
    “They will try but we’re watching our backs.
    We can pile up the gold
    Out of sight, somewhere cold.”
    “What – like Switzerland?” “No, Uncle Mack’s.”

  302. Tony Holmes says:

    “It was latish on Ticklemas Eve.
    I was smooching a ram name of Steve.
    Who’d be first to seduce –
    He was bold, I was loose –
    Would be anyewe’s guess, Geneviève.”

  303. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    No Exit Exeter?

    His detractors are lined up on racks,
    All trussed up as they lie on their backs.
    The guards have been vetted,
    His appetite whetted —
    And now with his puns he attacks!

  304. Rudy Landesman says:

    Happy Two-Days-Before Birthday, Sjaan

    It’s tacky, I know, to be lax.
    (I confess to my own share of “tacks”)
    But Sjaan, for your Birthday
    I baked in a new way
    A virtual cake and some snacks.

  305. Tony Holmes says:

    Sjaan, who is this Exeter of whom you speak, please?

  306. Byron Miller says:

    When obtaining sex favors from Mabel,
    It’s okay to pay under the table.
    She will not think you lax
    For avoiding the tax —
    She deserves a big tip, if you’re able.

  307. Tony Holmes says:

    “What’s the point? They’ll just take it in tax.
    “They will try but we’re watching our backs.
    We can pile up the gold
    Out of sight, somewhere cold.”
    “What – like Switzerland?” “No, Uncle Max’.”

    “So we’re paying this …?” “Tribute. Relax.”
    “To these robbers?” “It wards off attacks.”
    “IRS would take less.”
    “Yes, you’re right, I confess.”
    “And we’ve still yet to pay Uncle Max.”

  308. Tony Holmes says:

    Sid liked wining and dining his ewes,
    So was known as the, ‘tupper who woos’.
    He’d romance them for hours,
    And would even buy flowers,
    All of which earned ecstatic reviews.

  309. Mark Totterdell says:

    My sheep’s so excessively woolly,
    Her fleece grows so thickly and fully,
    That each time she lies
    She’s unable to rise
    Without being raised by a pulley.

  310. Tony Holmes says:

    A respite from the wooing of dams,
    Was the training of eager young rams.
    “Be polite: don’t be rough.
    Tender’s better than tough,
    If you’d pass all your tupping exams.”

  311. Tony Holmes says:

    Shep the dog took a shine to a sheep.
    (It’s a tale that would make a stone weep.)
    He was doomed from the start.
    Elsie’s “NO!” broke his heart,
    So Shep threw himself under a Jeep.

  312. Tony Holmes says:

    Elsie knew if she played hard to get
    That the ram would forget her, and yet,
    As a healthy young ewe,
    She quite fancied a screw,
    Just so long as the boundaries were set.

    And that’s my century! (I’m going for a lie down in a darkened room.)

  313. David Friedman says:

    There is a poor fellow named Max
    Who strips for his date and she cracks:
    “If all of you males
    Were spikes, bolts and nails,
    You, Max, are one of the tacks.”

  314. David Friedman says:

    There once was a wizard named Zeener
    Whose magic wand was his own wiener
    He dreamt while asleep,
    Turned his wife to a sheep
    With a generally nicer demeanor.

  315. David Friedman says:

    There once was a fellow named Rand,
    The horniest guy in the land;
    He wore out six brides,
    Twelve hookers besides,
    Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

  316. Rudy Landesman says:

    You want sexy? I’ll give you sexy.

    They flocked just like sheep to the piers
    Naively without any fears.
    They ignored threats of AIDS
    Or police on their raids.
    They went to get shtupped up their rears.

  317. Tony Holmes says:

    It’s no good going off at the deep end
    If you spend all your life being sheep penned.
    You can’t throw forty fits
    If ewes get on your tits.
    Ewe just have to smile sweetly and pre-tend.

    On the side of a hill in South Wales
    Milled a flock of new sheep from the Dales.
    Local rams all, “Helloed!”,
    And in welcoming mode,
    Got to the creation of Swaledales.

    Just in case I miscounted. Swaledale is actually a Yorkshire breed, but why spoil a good limerick with the facts. And way to go, David. Seems I’m not the only one with a one-tracked mind.

  318. Tony Holmes says:

    Thanks to Rudy, I now see that ‘Tup’
    Is derived from the Yiddish. “To schtup!”
    P’raps great minds thought alike?
    Or a chap took a hike
    And returning …? Okay, made it up.

    Two things: First, if you’re thinking that ‘Tup’ and ‘Up’ don’t rhyme with ‘Schtup’, it’s because you aren’t reading them with a Yorkshire accent. Second: It’s a lame ending! I know, but I don’t have much to work with, so cut me a break, here! Honestly! You’re a tough audience. (LOL)

  319. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Hi, Rudy — Thanks for the B-Day greeting :)

    A birthday cake made from fresh flax,
    And frosted with layers of wax,
    Lacks nothing for flavor,
    But do me a favor,
    And next time, please leave out the tacks.

  320. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    In answer to Tony (or should I exit ‘ere?)

    Duke of Exeter (Second) — a wretch.
    Go ahead, if you want to, kavetch.
    For I don’t mean to tax
    Tired brains with these facts.
    Besides, jokes about racks are a stretch.

  321. Tim James says:

    Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
    Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
    Her whole flock, at high cost,
    Wandered off and got lost —
    While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.

  322. Tony Holmes says:

    Bang on time, Tim, working th old primacy and recency effect as per. Good luck!

  323. Tony Holmes says:

    Dearest Sjaan, I am no doubt considerably better informed, but sadly, no wiser. (Adapted F. E. Smith remark. Credit where credit is due. He was an earl. Not quite as good a a duke, but a start.) Kavetch, I get – at least I think I do. (I thought it was kvetch, but then, I’m a pedant. You’ve noticed, no doubt.) Rack? are we talking embonpoint here? I had no problem at all with ‘Tax’. Got that straight away, and line four is in floodlit. So, with a few pictures and a sentence or two, you should be able to fill in the gaps in what, I am now thinking, was my very inadequate education.

    I trust you will rise to the challenge. LOL X

  324. madkane says:

    Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.)

  325. Sondra Landin says:

    With greetings to Tony, Lisi and Sjaan

    There once was an old dame named Sunny,
    Who peddled her lim’ricks quite funny;
    At Cornwall and Northbrook,
    And Stockton she would look,
    But no one would fork out the money!

  326. Sondra Landin says:

    With greetings to Tony, Lisi and Rudy

    There once was an old dame named Sunny,
    Who peddled her lim’ricks quite funny;
    At Cornwall and Northbrook,
    And yes Chelsea she’d look,
    But no one would fork out the money!

  327. Tony Holmes says:

    It would sem, Sjaan, that I am not the pedant I thought I was. That should be ‘shtup’ and not as I wrote it, ‘schtup’. My bad! And tank you Rudy, for the heads-up.

  328. Tony Holmes says:

    Greetins, Sunny!
    You would, I am sure, fall in love with Cornwall. Most visitors do. As to your impoverished sitch – would you consider crown funding? I’ll start you off with £1:50 and a free pasty – to sustain you on the journey. LOL

  329. Tony Holmes says:

    And Happy Birthday, Sjaan!

  330. Sondra Landin says:

    Forgive me, Mad – I just wasn’t thinking about sheep or attacks of any kind!

  331. Rudy Landesman says:

    Hey Sjaan,

    You’re dissing my mother’s best cake,
    That with flax and with wax she did bake?
    With those tongue tingling tacks
    That add zing to all snacks?
    Well, enjoy or go jump in a lake!

  332. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve learned so many facts about sheep,
    That into my dreams they do creep.
    One more day, and they’ll leave.
    And I don’t want to grieve.
    So I’ve snatched one forever to keep.

  333. Rudy Landesman says:

    Forgive me Mad, this limerick does not qualify, but you’ll understand that I had to do it.

    Hi Sjaan,

    You might just consider this queer,
    But I found you on Google, my dear.
    I was rather zealous
    And Tony is jealous,
    But he’ll stay in Cornwall, no fear.

  334. Lisi Nortman says:

    Got a letter today in the mail.
    Cried my eyes out, (oh, wow, did I wail)
    Seems I never paid tax.
    It’s real dull in the “Max”
    Cuz they don’t allow lim’riks in jail.

  335. Lisi Nortman says:

    Sayonara, tax, tacks, and attacks.
    For 21 days, we’ve made tracks.
    We will miss you so much,
    So please stay in touch.
    With a phone call, an E-mail, or fax.

  336. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh, “Sheepsies” we surely had fun.
    But I’m sorry to tell you we’re done.
    You will hear no more puns,
    But you sure were the ones
    Who gave us our “place in the sun”.

  337. Lisi Nortman says:

    MAXimum Security prison, AKA “The Max”

    Got a letter today in the mail.
    Cried my eyes out, (oh wow! did I wail)
    Seems I never paid tax.
    It’s so dull in “The Max”
    Cuz they don’t allow limericks in jail.

  338. Tony Holmes says:

    Rudy! You just wait until play time!

  339. Tony Holmes says:

    “Els’, I’m sure I felt a connection.”
    “What ewe felt was his thrusting erection.”
    “He was kind – and polite—”
    “Did ewe put up a fight?”
    “Els’, ewe know I’m not good with rejection.”

  340. Tony Holmes says:

    “Fare thee well, little sheep,” said the farmer.
    “Life is dull now you’re gone, but much calmer.
    No more tupping for ewe –
    And that goes for me, too –
    That’s it, Sid, wave goodbye, you old charmer.”

  341. Tony Holmes says:

    Said the judge, looking down at the dock,
    “You are guilty of losing your flock.
    Au revoir, Miss Bo peep,
    We’ll look after sheep.
    That is, once we’ve had time to restock.”

  342. Tony Holmes says:

    Rudy. I think your email is on the fritz.

  343. Rudy Landesman says:

    The Lord is my Shepherd, you say?
    Then why did I go so astray?
    He must have been napping
    To let me go rapping
    On pastures, not green, far away.

  344. Clay Wild says:

    I woke up, in dismay, and oh my!
    I was fleeced of my flock, made me cry…
    But there’s laundry to be done
    Since I am in Washing-TON…
    How ‘sheepless in Seattle’ am I?!?

  345. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 467. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Plot.