Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TIME or THYME at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 27, 2019)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TIME or THYME at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to INVESTMENT, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best INVESTMENT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 28, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 27, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my TIME/THYME-rhyme limerick:

My husband Mark’s cooking? Sublime!
But my kitchen ineptness? A crime!
Don’t believe me? How’s this
For ignorant bliss:
Can’t distinguish paprika from thyme.

And here’s my INVESTMENT-themed limerick:

An investor who frequently strains
Our credulity always maintains
That he’s made lots of bread,
But rumors have spread
That pounds are the guy’s only gains.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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170 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TIME or THYME at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 27, 2019)”

  1. Brian Allgar says:

    His pie made with herbs and key lime
    Was disgusting, a culinary crime.
    Though the chef’s name was Basil,
    His dish failed to dazzle –
    In fact, a complete waste of thyme.

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    They had warned the guy time after time
    That to rip off the mob was a crime.
    With that truckload of cherries,
    He stole his last berries,
    And now he is buried in lime.

  3. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Graduate School”

    An investment in carpenter ants
    Made me think I’d no longer need grants
    But checking liquidity
    I felt much humidity
    Cuz that’s when I peed in my pants

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    I’m fed up with those out-of-date guests
    Who inflict on me time-honoured jests.
    Last week, an old bloke
    Told a very old joke:
    “Jesus saves,” he laughed, “Moses invests!”

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    My investments were in a bad slump
    So I got some great stock tips from Trump
    When I checked on my gains
    I felt acute pains
    It’s a good thing my wife said, “DON’T JUMP!”

  6. John Cooney says:

    “Cardinal Sin”

    Oh, the prelate’s illicit investment,
    Dealt dodgy and dirty divestment,
    His interest departed,
    When partner had farted,
    And withdrew and put back on his vestment!

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    The rules of investment are clear
    Not as tricky as they might appear
    If you’re sinking in money
    My advice to you, honey:
    The best time to do it’s last year

  8. How well I remember the time
    My boyfriend and I watched a mime
    When some neighbors objected
    And somehow projected
    A catapult bucket of slime!

  9. Time was, I could season with thyme
    But there’s no time for that, now that I’m
    On a deadline, you know
    Omigosh, gotta go!
    I’ve no thyme and I’ve run out of time!

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    Some lim’riks are truly sublime
    But do not commit this old “crime”
    All hom’nyms are great
    And some puns are first rate
    But avoid using “thyme” to mean “time”

  11. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Scarborough Fair” (from “The Graduate”)

    Parsley sage and rosemary and thyme
    Are some words in a song, so sublime
    But what did these spices
    Have to do with the vices
    Of Ms. Bancroft who played a real slime?

  12. Lisi Nortman says:

    WARNING! “I just don’t have the thyme”
    slight modification

    Some lim’riks are truly sublime
    But do not commit this “old crime”
    Although hom’nyms are great
    And some puns are first-rate
    Please avoid using “thyme” to mean “time”

    — or —

    To save for retirement these days,
    We rely on our 401(k)s.
    But the people we trust
    To invest (as we must)
    Like to fleece us in devious ways.

    Chances are that your broker has glossed
    Over fees and expenses and cost.
    He describes them as small
    (But in no time at all,
    Huge chunks of your money get lost).

    We’ve none of us time to be scholars
    Of the market, so nobody hollers
    When the loss — over years
    Of our working careers —
    Mounts to multiple thousands of dollars.

    Plus, here’s a conundrum that’s funny:
    Let the climate be stormy, or sunny;
    Be it bull, be it bear:
    Still, your money’s not there
    ‘Til you sell!
    Call it Schroedinger’s Money.

    So your gains in the market you plot:
    You think it’s real money. It’s not.
    While you tally in vain
    Theoretical gain,
    Your broker’s off buying a yacht.

    The truth is, although you may feel
    That your agent’s small fees are a steal,
    The money you make
    In the market is fake…
    And your broker’s commission is real.

  14. I thought my investment was sound,
    But my 404(k) hit the ground.
    “Don’t you mean four-oh-one?”
    You may ask. Oh, my son:
    404 means the File Can’t Be Found.

  15. Steve Benko says:

    With a word that’s as crazy as “time,”
    I can’t think of a thing that will rhyme.
    Like Kilimanjaro,
    There’s bound to be sorrow
    Attempting so steep of a climb.

  16. Bill Pfeil says:

    World bankers are in for a fall.
    And government patsies, et al.
    Indictments for crime,
    Tribunals give time.
    They ought to be flogged this cabal.

  17. I wondered what the Yiddish word “fress” meant–
    I wondered where that low-flying pest went.
    But most of all–shit!
    I have to admit
    I wondered why I lost my investment!

  18. Steve Benko says:

    A large gin and tonic with lime
    May be needed to help pass the time.
    For the Donald, I fear,
    Still has over a year
    To drain swamps and refill them with slime.

  19. John Cooney says:

    “Lame Wannabe”

    I rented the Spice Girls on time,
    To ply them with lemon and lime,
    And offer beef roasted,
    And boast that they toasted,
    Their host who had run out of thyme!

  20. I sat down to eat in my prime.
    I’ve finished my dinner… and I’m
    Ninety-three. Now I’m scared
    That the sauce I prepared
    Was full of the wrong kind of t(hy)me.

  21. John Cooney says:

    “Herbal Essence”

    Rosemary, the maid, moaned in rhyme,
    “Your Lordship, your seed’s in its prime,
    Sell off your large surplus,
    Abundant for purpose,
    We’ll make a mint, all in good thyme!”

  22. John Cooney says:

    Msg. for Judith H. Block.

    Judith H., your limerick is humorous and hilarious.
    You, obviously, have the guts and stamina to keep sharing your talent.
    I empathize with you and applaud you. 😂🤗👍

    Here’s a silly limerick for you:

    Judith H., you have punched the time,
    I agree that your rhythm’s sublime,
    Now, ain’t it a pity,
    That life is so sh**ty,
    Persevere with hot Bourbon and lime!

    John Cooney.

  23. John Cooney says:

    Line 1 should read: ……punched IN the time.

  24. John Cooney says:

    “Expensive Lesson”

    We invested, we scrimped and we saved,
    For our offspring, so badly behaved,
    Education! Frustration!
    Probation! Migration!
    Now, the grandkids are much more depraved!

  25. Steve Benko says:

    Every con man alive takes his hat off
    To the king of them all, Bernie Madoff.
    Except one with such brains,
    As Don Junior explains,
    That at others, he says, “Me and Dad scoff.”

  26. Tim James says:

    She and I, in a warm sunny clime,
    In a citrus grove had a good time.
    ‘Neath a fruit-laden tree
    She made sweet love with me.
    The delight of that day was sub lime.


    I feel I’m committing a crime
    By subscribing to Amazon Prime,
    Where the workers must fight
    With a quota so tight
    That they have to go backwards in time.

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    It is rare when a “senior’s” depressed
    We sing and we dance, and then rest
    It’s Bingo each night
    Our futures look bright
    And for long term, we never invest.

  29. Scarborough Fair was a good time.
    Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
    are just herbs or spice,
    but still it is nice
    when Kane gifts you an easy time.

    His rapist friend rings every chime
    so Trump deflects with a hate crime.
    Only he can do feats
    with his stale racist tweets
    and say, “dodged a bullet this time.”

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Senior Bliss”

    We seniors all feel “in the prime”
    Growing older is sure not a crime
    Ev’ry day we all run
    (Not really for fun)
    But mainly to beat “Father Time”

  31. Bill Pfeil says:

    Morning brain calisthenics sublime,
    Is to laugh here with entries so prime.
    To read ‘em and write ‘em,
    The start-of-day item,
    Dementia’s postponed for a time.

  32. Lisi Nortman says:

    We investors are now on the edge
    It’s so bad that we must use our Pledge:
    “Push no one away
    In line you must stay.
    Just have patience; you’ll soon reach the ledge”

  33. Lisi Nortman says:

    Growing up was just simply sublime
    My father was right all the time
    Wanna’ be just like dad
    And now I’m so glad
    That I’m ma’jring in “Organized Crime”

  34. Val Fish says:

    I’m beginning to think it’s time
    I won an award for my rhyme
    But I have to impress
    The ultimate poetess
    ( Toadyism isn’t a crime).

  35. Brian Allgar says:

    “So, big deal! I watch TV when I’m
    Resting up in the day. That’s a crime?
    But at night, when I’m tweeting,
    My brain overheating,
    I oughta get paid overtime!”

  36. Daisy Ward says:

    He poured liquor in a glass
    Then tried to place his bet last
    It was such a long line
    That he ran out of time
    Ended up with his foot in a cast

  37. Mark G. Kane says:

    A fellow was biding his time,
    As he struggled with rhythm and rhyme.
    In the end he gave up
    And refilled his cup;
    The tequila, at least, was sublime.

  38. Brian Allgar says:

    “My friends, you all need to invest
    In American coal – it’s the best!
    Global warming, pollution …
    Don’t need no solution –
    That old Chinese hoax? Not impressed!”

  39. Kirk Miller says:

    Three weeks before fourth of July,
    The fireworks producer did try
    To calm big investor
    By making this gesture:
    “Sales will skyrocket soon to the sky.”

  40. Colonialist says:

    To play with great globules of slime,
    Which soon get embedded in grime,
    The kids all insist
    Is hard to resist,
    But I say it’s wasting their time.

  41. Colonialist says:

    If someone’s cut off in their prime,
    Does that mean they’ve run out of time,
    And on last descent
    They have been and went,
    Or started the ultimate climb?

  42. John Cooney says:

    “Gamblers Anonymous”

    A straight pair, bluffed by a knave broker,
    Invested “all-in” with this joker,
    They folded, so blue,
    As he raised their house too,
    To flush down the jacks at stud poker!

  43. Bill Pfeil says:

    “The new crypto named Bitcoin,” said Lee.
    “Just pennies, soon thousands, you’ll see.”
    “You’re dreaming,” I said,
    “Made a sure bet instead.
    Bought Enron, and Madoff, and Boesky.”

  44. John Cooney says:

    “Stud Up”

    “My word is my bond”, says my broker,
    He kids me, ya know, he’s a joker,
    “Advance me a cheque,
    For a sure thing”. Ah, feck!
    He bankrupted me at stud poker!

  45. John Cooney says:

    p.s.: “Cheque” is the English for “Check”.

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Senior Solutions”

    It’s now fall, so we turn back the time
    I think I’ll do something sublime!
    Turn back clocks 50 years
    Have a drink and say “Cheers”
    And Voila! I’ll be back in my prime!

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Investments Are Us”

    This investment ad seems kind of funny
    I want you to look at it, Honey
    Please come here and see
    The sign says that “We
    Will make cents out of all of your money”

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve been looking for doctors in town
    Who might help me get rid of my frown
    I am simply a wreck
    With this pain in my neck
    Watching stock prices go up and down

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oh Wow! Have you noticed the time?
    (Gettin’ ready to feel in my “prime”)
    It is now wine o’clock
    And I’m ready to rock
    At this hour I feel just sublime!

  50. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction Of Previous Limerick !!!

    Some people say “Gambling’s a sin
    Never give that Roulette wheel a spin”
    Yet investing in stocks
    Gave me so many knocks
    But in Vegas, at least I might win.

  51. Cheryl says:

    Chef’s seasoning addiction was considered a crime
    He learned that life could change on a dime
    Caught on camera
    He was sent to the slammer
    And suffers embarrassment for “doing” thyme

  52. Bill Pfeil says:

    God made Adam, strong, forceful, a brute,
    And then Eve, demure, shapely, and cute.
    He gestured in mime,
    Then boomed, “Don’t waste time,
    You’re created to share attribute.”

  53. Tim Gray says:

    If you want to make America Great
    Don’t do it banking on hate.
    Do it with love,
    Not a bomb but a dove,
    Or ex-President will be your fate.

  54. John Cooney says:

    “Cold Creature”

    There once was an old guy who said,
    To his sexy young wife, so well bred;
    “Wait up for me, honey,
    Invest all our money,
    In cryonics, as soon as I’m dead!”

  55. Steve Benko says:

    “You can trust me to grow your portfolio,”
    Said the broker, “It’s not my first rodeo.”
    And who could resist him?
    He had a great system:
    To buy when the moon is in Scorpio.

  56. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Getting Up For Work” (ugh)

    My alarm’s set for 6 “on the dime”
    I always make sure of the time
    But sometimes I cheat
    And stay under the sheet
    Cuz 6:05 feels so sublime

  57. John Cooney says:

    “Boston Bud Party”

    At “Cheers” up in Faneuil Hall,
    Nobody knew my name at all,
    I spent my last dime,
    And woke up in time,
    To change my wet sox, I wecall!

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    The morning at 6 is sublime
    It is when we all feel “in our prime”
    But we’re even more sturdy
    On the dot of 6:30
    HANDS DOWN! It is sure the best time

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    “What’s a Stock Broker” (asked my dear son)
    “I heard it’s a job that’s real fun”
    I said, “It’s a brute
    Who takes all your loot;
    And invests it until there is none.”

  60. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick: I made a mistake in L5
    I typed “And invests it until it is gone”

    It is supposed to be ” And invests it until there is none”

    Could you please change that for me?
    Thank You,



  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    We “seniors” went shopping in Lyme
    Found a clock store that looked just sublime
    We searched ev’ry aisle
    Alas, all the while
    Weren’t able to buy us some time

  62. Lisi Nortman says:

    There are times when I can’t comprehend
    Investments and what I should spend
    Cuz what really sucks
    Is continuous flux
    And damn charts that are on the downtrend

  63. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Second Version”

    There are times when I can’t comprehend
    Investments and what I should spend
    Cuz what really sucks
    Is continuous flux
    And those charts on a trip to “Downtrend”

  64. John Shardlow says:

    Her stomach’s been tying in knots
    Since having nightmarish thoughts
    You can bet a weeks wages
    It was men’s appendages
    Protruding from legs of their shorts

  65. John Shardlow says:

    If your mans in a sweat
    You can bet there’s a threat
    When he claims that he’s only been jogging
    The dirty old sod’s not been on his tod
    He’s been in the park trying dogging

    British English slang term for engaging in public sex while others watch

  66. John Cooney says:

    Message for John Shardlow:
    Very humorous John 😂. I dare not say ever again that I live like a dog!!

    What do think of this definition-
    British English term for stealing priceless artefacts from all over the commonwealth to display in their beautiful museums.
    (How dare one make such a dastardly accusation. We merely acquired these and, therefore, we own them!!!!)
    (I love your sneakers, so give ‘me to me now. They are mine. I am British and superior.)

  67. John Cooney says:

    “Bonnie Prince Charlie”

    My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
    She swears that the moon gives it motion,
    Methinks it a crime,
    For she fibs all the time,
    She the man who caused caused awful commotion!

  68. John Cooney says:

    Line 5 has “caused” repeated in error.
    My mistake.

    “She the man who caused constant commotion!”

    I’ll re-post the whole attempt.

  69. John Cooney says:

    “Bonnie Prince Charlie”

    My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
    She swears that moon gives it motion,
    Methinks it a crime,
    That she fibs all the time,
    She the man who caused constant commotion!

  70. Cheryl says:

    Update to previous limerick (to improve the meter)

    Chef’s seasoning addiction’s a crime.
    So sad his life changed on a dime.
    Caught on camera,
    Sent to the slammer
    He’s so embarrassed for “doing” thyme.

  71. John Cooney says:

    “Foreign Policy”

    “Do not cross my herbaceous borders”,
    Says Trump to non-gringo marauders,
    The grass, labelled “Thyme”,
    Will pass through, in time,
    But for good shit, you place on-line orders!

  72. John Cooney says:

    “Foreign Policy”

    “Do not cross my herbaceous borders”,
    Says Trump, to non-gringo marauders,
    “The grass, labelled ‘Thyme’,
    Will pass through, in time,
    But, for good shit, you place on-line orders!”

  73. Bill Pfeil says:

    Her shape’s her key trait, we’re conditioned;
    For a role as our mate, she’s auditioned.
    On women through time,
    Men think, “Fat is a crime;
    It depends, though, on where it’s positioned.”

  74. John Cooney says:

    “Market Change”

    “What to buy today, new ‘stock’ or ‘share’?”
    Asked the mad raging ‘bull’ of the ‘bear’,
    She replied: “Not a clue,
    Honey! I fancy you,
    Should wear ‘Brut’ and de-horn and go bare!”

  75. John Cooney says:

    July 17, 7.09 p.m. attempt correction.
    The word “the” omitted in error in line 2:
    She swears that THE moon gives it motion.

  76. Cheryl says:

    Choosing one broker from the rest
    Is certainly unnerving at best.
    The casual dressed lad
    May not be half bad
    But select one in suit and in vest.

  77. John Cooney says:


    A dyslexic child, I lost Monoperly,
    And kannot keep tabs on my property,
    A societal crime,
    I get screwed all the time,
    By con men, I mean, and not properly!

  78. John Cooney says:

    “Good News. Bad News”

    The Apple shares swiftly imploded,
    Orange you glad I offloaded,
    Your lot to a lemon,
    By twenty past seven,
    While your shares in Scrap Metal corroded!

  79. John Cooney says:

    “Shambolic Economics”

    When it costs much more money to mint,
    A cent than it’s worth, then we’re skint,
    Though, I don’t care a dime,
    The great crime of our time,
    Is a dollar’s much cheaper to print!

  80. Tim James says:

    My financial advisor put me
    In a pyramid scheme (for a fee).
    I wised up, dropped a dime,
    And he’s now doing time.
    In the end, though, I’m broker than he.

  81. Lisi Nortman says:

    My investments are simply not thriving
    And I’m having much trouble surviving
    Yet the stock market pool
    Keeps ev’ry one cool
    And has won a gold medal for diving

  82. Brian Allgar says:

    Sneered the Donald, “Dear ladies, it’s time
    To go back to your countries of crime
    Where criminals rule.
    Puerto Rico? You fool!
    Who’s President there? … You say I’m?”

  83. Lisi Nortman says:

    My broker? There’s nobody wiser!
    (So smart, just the world’s best adviser)
    When Viagra appeared
    I jumped and I cheered
    And invested my money in Pfizer

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    You can hold them with both of your pinkies
    These treats are sure NOT rinky dinkies
    So remember the past
    You just know how they last
    And invest all your money in Twinkies

  85. Valerie Fish says:

    He promised a fortune I’d make
    Trusting him was a huge mistake
    I lost every cent
    Down the drain it went
    Duped by a double dealing snake

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Version Two”

    Growing up was just simply sublime
    My father was right all the time
    Just admired my dad
    And now I’m so glad
    That I’m also in “Organized Crime”

  87. John Shardlow says:

    Reply and thanks to John Cooney

    An Englishman always seeks
    When abroad, to invest in antiques
    Stole Grecian marvels
    There’re now Elgin Marbles
    Our rule then and now, ‘finder’s keeps’!

  88. Walter Daum says:

    On Andrew Marvell’s “To his Coy Mistress”

    If they’d had enough world and time,
    Her coyness, he wrote, were no crime.
    But time’s chariot neared,
    Or so Marvell feared;
    So he begged for her favors, in rhyme.

  89. John Cooney says:

    Reply to John Shardlow.
    L.O.L. 🤣🤗👍 Just saw your message and funny limerick now.
    John, thanks for positive response. I had feared that I might have upset you.
    Your “Finder Keeps” limerick is hilarious.

    Here’s another go at my neighbours:

    “Rule Britannia”

    We ruled the waves for generations,
    We fought to protect smaller nations,
    We conquered and raped,
    Usurped and escaped,
    Proud empi-er, poor at relations!

  90. John Cooney says:

    “Disposable Proposal”

    “It’s a case of ‘supply’ and ‘demand’!”
    I told her fat Dad, who’s so grand,
    And incredibly posh,
    (Wipes his ass with spare dosh),
    “I demand you supply the girl’s hand!”

  91. John Cooney says:

    “Proposal Disposal”

    “It’s a case of ‘supply’ and ‘demand’!”
    I informed her old man, who was grand,
    (A tad stuffy and posh,
    Wipes his ass with soft dosh,)
    I demand you supply the whore’s hand!”

  92. Valerie Fish says:

    He invested wisely, dear old dad
    I find it incredibly sad
    And so unfair
    Now he’s in care
    He’s losing every penny he had

  93. Valerie Fish says:

    She was having a ball, ‘twas sublime
    Come midnight, bells began to chime
    Off she flew
    Lost her shoe
    Catching her coach in the nick of time.

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    Be astute when investing your wages
    The Exchange is a place that “enrages”
    There’s no safety in numbers
    And nobody slumbers
    (Just look at the stock market pages)

  95. Lisi Nortman says:

    “How To Stay Happy And Rich”

    Well, here’s a good way to prevent
    Wasting money and be real content
    Try investing in booze
    You’ve got nothing to lose
    And at least you will get a percent

  96. Kirk Miller says:

    A cook from the city of Lyme
    Tried to finish a meal by lunchtime.
    She started to dice
    And chop the last spice,
    But alas, then she ran out of thyme.

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    Correction of Bad Grammar!

    Now here’s a good way to prevent
    Wasting money that shouldn’t be spent
    Try investing in booze
    You’ve not nothing to lose
    And at least, you will get a percent

  98. Bill Pfeil says:

    The bodacious, hot cutie from Lyme,
    Exhibited attributes prime.
    She could not get enough
    Of that fun carnal stuff.
    “Many men, and there’s such tittle lime.”

    (So arrest me for bending the rules.)

  99. Lisi Nortman says:

    Parsley, sage, and rosemary and lime
    Might taste good on a steak that is “prime”
    However, the fruit
    May just cause a dispute
    So instead, why not use some fresh thyme?

  100. John Shardlow says:

    When hookers are way past their prime
    And punters only paying a dime
    They can give more relief
    By removing their teeth
    (Less risk of stitches in time)

  101. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I’m emotional during my time,
    And I sob at the drop of a dime.
    I was wailing when nailed;
    Now I’m wailing while jailed.
    I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.

  102. Steve Benko says:

    The temperature’s starting to climb
    As humanity runs out of time.
    The survivors of trouble
    Will live in a bubble
    With Netflix and Amazon Prime.

  103. Bruce McGuffin says:

    I have given up wasting my time
    In the search for that one perfect rhyme.
    Literati raise hell
    But most people can’t tell.
    And the slant rhymes I choose work out fine.

  104. Phyllis Reinhard says:

    Fair to say it was time after time,
    Simon tried for an herbaceous rhyme.
    When he finally said “Uncle,”
    His sous-chef, Garfunkel
    Blended parsley and sage with some thyme.

  105. John Cooney says:

    “Do the Crime or Do the Thyme”

    Don’t ever dare launder your money,
    The F.B.I. ain’t at all funny,
    Instead, invest time,
    In dill and in thyme,
    You wash it and taste it, it’s yummy!

  106. John Cooney says:

    “Crooked Little Man”

    “Invest in this bond, a no-brainer”,
    Said my broker, who earns a retainer,
    “Returns exponentially,
    Accruing eventually,
    But, first, you just sign the disclaimer!”

  107. Byron Miller says:

    To create pasta sauce that’s sublime,
    Correct seasoning usage is prime.
    Basil adds to the blend,
    Plus, oregano, friend;
    And remember, good sauces take thyme.

  108. Byron Miller says:

    When I opened my brokerage account
    I thought stock yields would flow like a fount.
    Should have guessed, cause my broker
    Was nicknamed Bram Stoker —
    He’s sucked down the whole damn amount!

  109. Amazzing says:

    Kate Harrison, Berkeley’s city counsel twit;
    Wrote a bill to outlaw natural gas, the dumb shit!
    Berkeley’s 30% 2020 emissions reduction is out of time,
    The plan for 80% reduction by 2050 is an honesty crime,
    Her legislating job she should definitely quit!

    Her plan is a smoke and mirror switch;
    No more natural gas, use electricity is the hitch;
    She thinks this change is an investment,
    But on emissions this won’t make a dent,
    Her plan is at best purely BULLSHIT!

    Stop natural gas and use electric in their city?
    A liberal arts degree for her position is a pity!
    This financial investment for their city is cruel,
    Those generating their electricity will be the fool,
    Because their increased emissions will be sucking hind titty.

    “Not in my backyard” is Berkeley’s selfish scheme;
    But mega electricity generating plants will make others scream;
    These generating plants will ferment,
    A huge CO2 increase investment,
    Reducing emissions by force is just a wet dream!

    For fighting climate change;
    Berkeley is in a state of derange;
    Pissing away the investment,
    Is pissing away their commitment,
    This whole idiocy is worse than just strange!

  110. “INVEST!” the financial guy rants.
    I would, if I just had the chance;
    But I’ve checked, and “invest”
    I’ve twelve cents. And the rest?
    Seven dollars, “incoat” and “inpants”.

  111. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Dow Jones and S&P fell
    My investments were not doing well
    I did not get the blues
    Cuz I just had to use
    My procedure called, “Panic & Sell”

  112. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Don’t invest all your money, dear Tommy
    Rainy days might just come” (said my mommy)
    So I did what she said
    And I’m still in the red
    Cuz I didn’t expect a tsunami

  113. John Shardlow says:

    Tweeds with sneakers? Have you no class
    There’s no tread, you’ll slip on the grass
    Invest in some hikers
    Brogues, or some bikers
    Use them for kickin’ some ass

  114. Bill Pfeil says:

    “Invest in yourself,” it’s the rules.
    “Education will give you life tools.”
    If our goal’s to know bliss,
    Surely we could find this,
    Without going to all of those schools.

  115. Roger Haugen says:

    When the muse is upon me, then I’m
    Concocting fresh verses that rhyme;
    But every new ballad
    Droops like an old salad,
    Just thyme after thyme after thyme.

  116. Roger Haugen says:

    The investments that pay off are not
    What traditional wisdom has taught;
    This wide-open field
    Offers maximum yield,
    Where the smart money’s going to pot.

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    My brother is totally manic
    No wonder he’s starting to panic
    Cuz what kind of jerk
    Calls his broker from work
    And invests in a stock called “Titanic?”

  118. Now Wall Street’s designed something new —
    Like a 401(k) — called “4(q)”.
    Step One is, they take
    Ev’ry cent that you make;
    And Step Two… well, there is no Step Two.

  119. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s no “Present” (It’s truly a crime)
    Not one moment can stop “on a dime”
    One second goes by
    In the blink of an eye
    And right then it’s another damn time

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    a slight modification of above limerick:

    There’s no “Present” (It’s truly a crime)
    Not a moment can stop “on a dime”
    Just one second goes by
    In the blink of an eye
    Right away, it’s another damn time

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    Investing in toilet’s the key
    To success, and I’m sure you’ll agree
    Cuz no matter the place
    There are times you must race
    To the potty and make a pee pee

  122. Jean McEwen says:

    Pete and Pam, perfect partners in crime,
    Swindled suckers galore in their prime.
    They attained great acclaim
    In the Thiefs’ Hall of Fame
    But today, they are serving hard time.

  123. Jean McEwen says:

    On Black Monday (the stock market crash)
    All my money went POOF–in a flash!
    I believed I’d acquired
    All the money required
    To retire—yet, I’m now slinging hash

  124. Lisi Nortman says:

    (Had a dream about terrible crime)
    I must tell you; it felt just sublime
    See, I put Trump in jail
    And the warden said, “Hail”
    Then I made the front cover of “Time”

  125. Lisi Nortman says:

    Second Version

    I dreamed ’bout a terrible crime
    It was scary, yet truly sublime
    See, I put Trump in jail
    And he started to wail
    Then I made the front cover of “Time”

  126. Lisi Nortman says:

    My pal said, “Just give it a try:
    Invest and you’ll get a real high”
    He said, “Money talks”
    But mine only squawks
    And the one word it knows is “Good-Bye”

  127. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our election was intense
    Not to mention the massive expense
    Wall St. cried “Trump”
    Will eliminate slump”
    Now who is to question good sense?

  128. Lisi Nortman says:

    (fixing previous limerick)

    Our election was very intense
    Not to mention the massive expense
    Investors cried, “Trump
    Will get rid of the slump”
    (And Wall Street just always makes sense)

  129. John Cooney says:

    “Fool Britannia”

    Boris, the brash troublemaker,
    Is Johnson, P.M., cabinet maker,
    A curse of our time,
    Watch out, as the slime,
    Legs it to Brexit; deal breaker!

  130. Bill Pfeil says:

    “Invest in yourself,” it’s the rules.
    “Education will give you life tools.”
    There is: “Be,” “Have” and “Do;”
    We are taught the last two,
    But find “Be” on our own, not in schools.

  131. John Cooney says:

    “Southern Comfort”

    “Hell, money don’t grow on no tree”,
    Say(s) the Arkansas crow to the bee,
    “If ya gots ta invest,
    Y’all feather yoah nest,
    With twigggs ‘n some grahsss – it awl free!

  132. John Cooney says:

    Oops. Sorry. Quotation marks omitted, in error, at end.

  133. John Cooney says:

    To Bill Pfeil:
    Very clever, Bill. I like your “Invest in yourself” limerick.

  134. John Cooney says:

    “Instant Prophet”

    Penn ‘n Teller are loaded with skill,
    To help you your fortune fulfil,
    Cross their palm(s) with a dime,
    And, voilà, in no time,
    They’ll cough up a ten dollar bill!

  135. Steve Benko says:

    Said my grandpa, “Forget about stocks;
    Put your money in bagels and lox.
    You can make lots of mammon
    By smoking a salmon;
    My boy, opportunity knocks.”

  136. John Shardlow says:

    This book has no reason or rhyme
    Just read ‘A brief history of thyme’
    The rubbish he’s talking
    Who is Stephen Hawking?
    No mention of herbs, what a crime

  137. Tim James says:

    An investor is feeling quite fine
    As the market continues to shine:
    “With these stocks, I’ll succeed.
    I’ll get rich, guaranteed!”
    (It’s October, 1929.)

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    I explained to my real naive son
    “There are bad guys who don’t even run
    Cuz most of the time
    When it’s “white collar” crime
    All they pack is a gold staple gun”

  139. John Shardlow says:

    Fighters hardened fists using brine
    The Greeks rubbed their bodies with thyme
    To be like the Duke or Arnie
    Have a soak with ‘un Bouquet Garni’
    A treatment that will stiffen the spine

  140. John Cooney says:

    “Instant Prophet” (adjusted)

    Penn says:”Teller is loaded with skill,
    To help you your fortune fulfil,
    Cross his palm with a dime,
    And, voilà, in no time,
    He’ll cough up a ten dollar bill!”

  141. John Shardlow says:

    I sneaked this one past Mad under the theme ‘spice’.
    Maybe she won’t notice it’s a repeat.

    I’m just off the ward feeling fine
    But that matron’s a bit of a swine
    That green herb colonic
    She gives as a tonic
    Means that I’m still just passing the thyme.

  142. Cheryl says:

    Buy these stocks for unlimited wealth
    Claims the broker who sits by a shelf
    Stocked high with sales books,
    Likely written by crooks.
    Don’t “buy” it; just “take” stock…of yourself.

  143. John Cooney says:

    “Tour Over Overture”

    I’ll chance Tour de France one last time,
    Then, avoid my team’s peddling crime,
    Lest the hosts get annoyed,
    When they find the steroid,
    That propels me uphill on the climb!

  144. Lisi Nortman says:

    “A New Rhyme Scheme”

    We all had a wonderful time
    When we went to see “I Am A Mime”
    His sign said, “I’m Fred”
    And here’s what he said:

  145. John Cooney says:

    “Soft Mint”

    Willy’s wonky mints sat in a bowl,
    A depraved one went out of control,
    She cried: “I am ‘Polo’,
    I only work solo”,
    And made quite a mint on her hole!

  146. John Cooney says:

    Very clever, Lisi.
    (I missed the last line, it’s in mime!)

  147. John Cooney says:

    “Public Disgrace”

    How dare you! How could You? – so rude!
    And in public, you’re lewd and you’re nude,
    It’s very high time,
    That you offer a rhyme,
    That’s polite; cut the shite; be subdued!

  148. John Cooney says:

    “Born to Kill”

    The wrath of Cain showed he was able,
    To gain upper hand over Abel,
    And still, it’s a crime,
    That we kill all the time,
    So it’s prevalence proves us unstable!

  149. Bill Pfeil says:

    The teacher gave “C” for his rhymes.
    Then “D” for his metrical crimes.
    “You often exaggerate,
    And numbers inflate.
    I’ve told you this millions of times.”

    (An “F” to the teacher for truth.)

  150. Lisi Nortman says:

    I saw my Internist today
    And here is what he had to say:
    “Your stress test now shows
    Your anxiety grows
    Due to nosedive of 401 K”

  151. Lisi Nortman says:

    I made my son Johnny aware
    Of the market and meaning of “share”
    I read him this creed:
    “Your broker will feed
    You all of the BULL you can BEAR”

  152. Lisi Nortman says:

    At first I was feeling much strife
    Till my broker told me and my wife:
    “If he smokes and he drinks
    And eats junk till he sinks
    He’ll be rich for the rest of his life”

  153. Lisi Nortman says:

    Yummy spices are truly sublime
    Try this one on meat that is “Prime”
    You can buy it or grow
    Either way you will know
    That the lemony taste must be thyme

  154. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  155. Fred Bortz says:

    In Congress, some cheered, “Mueller time!”
    Yet to hear him was far from sublime.
    He seemed “long in the tooth,”
    But delivered this truth:
    Obstruction by Trump was a crime.

  156. Fred Bortz says:

    In the market some folks try their luck
    When hoping to make a big buck.
    But I’d rather play poker
    Than buy from a broker
    And hear him explaining, “Oh f*ck.”

  157. Fred Bortz says:

    I’m now many years past my prime.
    At my age, some folk tire of the climb.
    But I’m younger than Bernie,
    So it’s clear that my journey
    May continue for quite a long time.

  158. John Cooney says:

    “Larry David Fat?!!! Wah! Wah! Wah!”

    Larry David was issued an iftā,
    For his whimsical Musical, ‘Fatwā’,
    But, the mufti, in time,
    Suspended the crime,
    With the infidel due for a BAFTA!

  159. John Cooney says:

    “The Account Cleaner”

    The voice on the phone said: “I wonda,
    Can you confirm Bank Account numba?
    We do long distance crime,
    And we don’t got much time,
    So, the soona the betta, don’t slumba!”

  160. John Cooney says:

    “Chemo-kill Reaction”

    My attending nurse caused some confusion,
    When she prepped me today for infusion,
    Though the mix turned to slime,
    I’d a hell of a time,
    For she dropped a few shots in transfusion!

  161. Judith H. Block says:

    EDITED! Please delete previous version.

    It seems to be almost a crime,
    I’ve got the right rhythm and rhyme.
    But despite my endeavor,
    I’m just not that clever.
    I should win, it’s about f–king time



  162. Bill Pfeil says:

    A belief in creation’s a crime.
    In our oceans we started as slime.
    Both these are naive,
    I’d rather believe,
    We existed before space and time.

  163. Lisi Nortman says:

    I am riddled with sorrow and strife
    It’s a terrible time in my life
    My stocks took a dive
    I can barely survive
    And what’s worse is I still have a wife

  164. Mike Moulton says:

    “By any such reason or rhyme,”
    Said Cohen, “I committed a crime.
    I told Congress lies
    Which was rather unwise
    As now I’m in jail now doing time.”

  165. Lisi Nortman says:

    The market just crashed (Oh what strife)
    I have never felt worse in my life!
    I am ready to jump
    And it’s all because Trump
    Left his wallet home with that damn wife

  166. Lisi Nortman says:

    slight modification in L5 one limerick up:

    The market just crashed (Oh what strife)
    I have never felt worse in my life
    I am ready to jump
    And it’s all because Trump
    Left his wallet at home with the wife

  167. John Cooney says:

    “Shady Character”

    In a Wild West saloon scene one time,
    I got shot with bad whisky in lime,
    I woke up feeling Grumpy,
    Who groped and then thumped me,
    I ran outta that town, Anaheim!

  168. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I put all my money in stocks
    That I kept in a drawer with my socks.
    This, my wife and her lover
    Were quick to discover;
    I should’ve invested in locks.

  169. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    “dah-dah-DUM” is the meter or time.
    Then each line has to end with a rhyme.
    Though for this and the next,
    Change the rhyme in the text,
    And good grammar is helpful, like I’m.

  170. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 327. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Bite.