Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCREEN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 13, 2019)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SCREEN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to WIND INSTUMENTS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WIND-INSTRUMENT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on July 14, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, July 13, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SCREEN-rhyme limerick, which happens to be an acrostic limerick:

She is tiny; at barely five feet,
Her heels swing from a normal-sized seat.
Oh those movies, unseen;
Rangy men block the screen.
Theater’s hopeless; home-viewing is sweet.

And here’s my WIND-INSTRUMENT-themed limerick, which is also an acrostic limerick:

Oh the sound of the oboe is great,
But the reed making makes me irate.
Often reeds that seem fine
End up trashed. (Most of mine!)
So I envy the flute player’s fate.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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201 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SCREEN at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: July 13, 2019)”

  1. Kirk Miller says:

    To decipher and know what words mean
    Can be hard, as I’m sure you have seen.
    There’s a word that I know
    Which means “hide,” also “show,”
    Contradictory meanings of “screen.”

  2. John Cooney says:

    The doc says, “Disrobe ‘hind the screen,
    Now, cough as I search for your spleen,
    No need for incision,
    My tool’s got precision,
    As I come up your rectum” – Obscene!

  3. Tim Gray says:

    Soft and smooth as silk,
    The sound of Aker Bilk.
    He had the audience roar,
    Announcing “Strangler Next Door*”
    And other jokes of that ilk.

    * see Stranger on the Shore

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    Though the bimbo could play a fine tune,
    The size of his dick made her swoon.
    “I can blow a guy’s flute
    Till he’s ready to shoot,
    But I didn’t expect a bassoon.”

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    “Grasp it firmly with both hands”, he said,
    “Now go down on it, lower your head,
    Purse your lips, and then blow.
    Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
    … She was learning the flute – you misread?

  6. Brian Allgar says:

    The hooker decided to vet
    Donald’s claim to a “bass clarinet”,
    Saying “Call that a dick? Hello!
    More like a piccolo!
    But high notes I’m happy to get.”

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    The President watched himself preen
    Once again on his huge TV screen.
    “Well, I sure showed them Brits
    That they don’t count for squits
    By walking in front of their Queen.”

  8. Brian Allgar says:

    When testing young girls for the screen,
    Harvey Weinstein would say, “For this scene,
    I gotta be sure
    You can act like a whore,
    So show me – you know what I mean?”

  9. Lisi Nortman says:

    The brass section instruments knew
    That their lives were all just about through
    They were falling apart
    But then Mr. Wind Smart
    Went and bought them a nice tuba glue

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr. Trumpet was kind and was sweet
    At rehearsals we always would meet
    But I needed much more
    And one night at “The Score”
    He caught me with Piccolo Pete

  11. Lisi Nortman says:

    I remember when I was fifteen
    I would “swoon” for the actors on screen
    Ev’ry week I would go
    To the Saturday show
    And pretend I was Mrs. James Dean

  12. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Mr Trumpet, I want you to know
    I feel that it’s time you should go
    We have done all that jazz
    I shall think of you as
    Just somebody I use to blow”

  13. Lisi Nortman says:

    A slightly modified version of limerick #8 (L5)

    The brass section instruments knew
    That their lives were all just about through
    They were falling apart
    But then Mr. Wind Smart
    Saved their lives with a nice tuba glue

  14. Brian Allgar says:

    Mosquitoes just laugh at my screen;
    They somehow get through it unseen,
    And night after night
    As they swarm in to bite,
    They say “Hey! A blood-donor machine!”

  15. Lisi Nortman says:


    “Mr. Trumpet, I want you to know
    I feel that it’s time you should go.
    We have played all that jazz
    I’ll remember you as
    Just a fella’ that I used to blow”

  16. Lisi Nortman says:

    Today I’m betwixt and between
    And real stuck in that lim’rik routine
    I must choose ev’ry letter
    And find something better
    Than what I’ve just typed on this screen

  17. Judith H. Block says:

    Make sure each room window has a screen,
    ‘Cause those female mosquitoes are mean,
    Your arm’s quite a sight
    You’re a quite tasty bite-
    Your blood’s mosquito gourmet cuisine.

  18. Judith H. Block says:

    The most valuable thing you can teach
    Is when playing the oboe, don’t screech!
    The oboe’s tone, heaven sent,
    Or it’s a wretched torment,
    Play it well, let it sing, I beseech.

  19. John Cooney says:

    My revealing audition on screen,
    Aroused the Producer, so keen,
    Who had just one question,
    Well, more a suggestion,
    “Please tell me you’re over sixteen!”

  20. Tim Gray says:

    Hidden behind a silk screen.
    John watched his neighbour preen
    She knew he was there,
    But she didn’t care,
    John was two and she, a pre-teen.

  21. Tim Gray says:

    Bill used to do well in school
    But now he’s the grades of a fool.
    Now the challenge to wean
    Him off of his screen
    And have him think that that is cool.

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    My wife thinks she’s “Lu Lu Von Queen”
    She is vain and conceited and mean
    She spent one hundred clams
    At “La Crap For Madame’s”
    On one goddamn jar of sun screen

  23. There once was a man with a screen
    whose browse hist’ry was less than pirstine.
    ONe day the screen cried,
    “Why haven’t I died?!?
    His porn face could turn a phone green!”

  24. Jesse Levy says:

    I used to be good on the sax
    But my practice has gotten so lax
    With tonguing and fingering
    I’ve just been malingering
    My horniness slipped through the cracks.

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    My clarinet’s one of the best
    It has gone through a rigorous test
    But last night was absurd:
    The whole audience stirred
    When I aimlessly played on a rest

  26. Bill Pfeil says:

    (A different take on ‘’wind instrument’’)

    It’s essential a pilot must heed,
    The wind sock direction and speed.
    This wind-instrument
    Is designed to prevent
    Wrong-way landings, a crash guaranteed.

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Susie: age 10”

    I opened my laptop and shook
    Then I gave it a real funny look
    Cuz there on the screen
    Were words I’ve not seen
    (Mommy told me it’s something called “book”)

  28. Steve Benko says:

    In England, a rich baronet
    Once purchased a marionette.
    “I’ll be favored by kings,”
    He said, working the strings,
    “If I get it to play clarinet.”

  29. Lisi Nortman says:

    The trumpet is real hard to blow
    They’ll be 10 of them in tonight’s show
    I’ve forgotten the score
    (But I did this before)
    I’ll pretend to play; no one will know

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Version Of “Embarrassed Clarinet Player”

    My clarinet’s one of the best
    It has stood ev’ry rigorous test
    But last night by mistake
    I just started to shake
    When I soloed and played on a rest

  31. Steve Benko says:

    “You’ll never in life get a solo,”
    Said the cellist, “by playing the oboe.”
    But Prokofiev’s duck
    Brought the fellow good luck,
    And he answered, “I told you so, Yo Yo.”

  32. John Cooney says:

    I traded my P.C., a has-been,
    For Apple’s orange flashy machine,
    I click on old nanas,
    Who love big bananas,
    And get off toot sweet with touch-screen!

  33. John Cooney says:

    Yo Steve,
    I chuckled heartily at your clever limerick.
    👍🤗John C.

  34. John Cooney says:

    If to Erin’s dear isle you’ve not been,
    There’s one sight that needs to be seen,
    Jump the lakes of Killarney,
    Kiss me ass down in Blarney,
    Go view verdant braes up in ‘Screen!

    (Lakes of Killarney very popular resort.
    Nearly every American visitor kisses the Blarney Stone to achieve “Gift Ó& the gab”.
    “The Verdant Braes of Screen” is a folk ballad popular in Northern Ireland.
    It refers to the beautiful green hills around Ballinascreen (Irish placename), County Derry, otherwise known as Draperstown, County Londonderry, (both English placenames imposed by planters).
    Unfortunately, most people in Ireland never beheld the enthralling sight, let alone hear the lovely song.)

  35. John Cooney says:

    Line 5 amended:
    Go and view verdant braes up in ‘Screen!

  36. Steve Benko says:

    The string section thinks of the brass
    That they’re totally lacking in class.
    The woodwinds, meanwhile,
    Just sit there and smile;
    They’re high on some really good grass.

  37. Steve Benko says:

    to John Cooney: thanks!

  38. Lisi Nortman says:

    I love music; you won’t see me quit
    I’m embarrassed; I have to admit
    Cuz my lovely brass horn
    Is so terribly worn
    And contains 50 gallons of spit

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    I must say I love Halloween
    “Trick or Treaters” all soap up my screen
    You would think I’d be mad
    But, in truth I am glad
    Cuz at last it is finally clean

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    This oboe is such a damn curse
    My fingers have never felt worse
    But size is the key
    And it’s just right for me
    (Not too big for my new Gucci purse)

  41. Steve Benko says:

    We climate deniers are keen
    To defeat the New Deal they call Green.
    It’s a pain in the neck,
    For to clean airborne drek
    They say “No more a/c, buy a screen.”

  42. There once was a star-struck pre-teen
    Who was dying to get on the screen
    But his pater and mater
    Kept on telling him “Later!”
    And kept him in house quarantine!

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    another way of looking at it

    My oboe is such a damn curse
    My fingers have never felt worse
    But size is the key
    And it’s just right for me
    Cuz it fits in my new Gucci purse

  44. Joe and Janet should put up a screen
    ‘Cause the art in their dining room scene
    Is a stopgap for splatters
    From Italian food platters!
    And it’s gotta be hell to keep clean!

  45. Art mavens, the family Killeen
    Love to show off their Japanese screen
    But their dining room table
    Bears a great Calder stabile
    And to me that’s the star–well, I MEAN!

  46. Little Mikey was charming, but MEAN!
    He detested the guy Mama was seein’
    So he smiled and he beckoned
    But at the last second
    Pushed the guy Mama liked through the screen!

  47. Lisi Nortman says:


    M any talented people play flute
    U nderstanding it truly must suit
    S pecial people who blow
    I ntensely / then slow
    C onstant practice is clearly not moot

  48. Tim James says:

    Who’s this woman I see on my screen?
    Megan Rapinoe, soccer machine.
    She can shoot, dribble, pass,
    And kick Trump’s sorry ass.
    F#!*ing awesome, from what I have seen.

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    “The Newcomer”

    How nice that you’re joining our band!
    It is known as “Let’s Give ‘Em A Hand”
    There’s Mike on the flute
    (And isn’t he cute?)
    But some things you must understand:

    Johnny on trumpet is sneaky
    And Bill on the sax is real freaky
    Just ignore all their quirks
    You will meet a few jerks
    Especially “Clarinet Squeaky”

  50. Steve Benko says:

    With the proper equipment for Scuba,
    You could almost dive into a tuba.
    All its depths you’d explore
    Till a musical score
    Caused its owner to blow you to Cuba.

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    Today my computer seemed “mean”
    And disturbed my familiar routine
    Cuz a demon jumped out
    And started to shout
    “UFO’s have invaded your screen”

  52. Lisi Nortman says:

    The flutist was very chagrined
    She told me, “Oh my! I have sinned!
    Cuz I tried to blow air
    But to my despair
    I got flustered and then I broke wind”

  53. Dave Johnson says:

    Apparently wanting to preen,
    His member was flashed on her screen.
    She answered “Oh wow,
    I’m watching it now;
    Your pinky’s the cutest I’ve seen!”

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    The flutist just sat there and grinned
    Cuz with “Piccolo Pete” she had sinned
    But was secretly caught
    Then became overwrought
    (Next day she was gone with the wind)

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick: Line 2: Could you please change “Clarinet Pete”
    to “Piccolo Pete”
    Thank You,



  56. Valerie Fish says:

    When he got out his didgeridoo
    I knew not where to look, what to do
    But I had to say no
    When he asked me to blow,
    And like a bat out of hell, I flew.

  57. Dave Johnson says:

    With clarinets, trumpets and sax,
    That big band could swing to the max.
    It’s members all came
    From a brothel of fame;
    At showtime, they played on their backs.

  58. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Concert Band Dilemma”

    An oboe is what this band needs
    And the resumes have a few leads
    But most of them say
    “You won’t hear us play
    Cuz we’re too busy making the reeds”

  59. John Cooney says:

    “The Pipes, the Pipes”

    The bagpiper howled o’er the hills,
    And squealed out of tune on the trills,
    As he tuned with his fork,
    I cried out to the dork,
    “A penknife would cure all our ills!”

  60. John Cooney says:

    “Italian Job”

    My photographer holidayed solo,
    And lodged in the town Pinerolo,
    He had to use zoom,
    To find his wee room,
    – Il camera è molto piccolo!

  61. John Cooney says:

    “Italian Job”

    My photographer holidayed solo,
    And lodged in the town Pinerolo,
    He had to use zoom,
    To find his wee room,
    I’ll camera è molto piccolo!

  62. John Cooney says:

    “Blown Opportunity”

    My solo bombed while in rubato,
    Muted by maestro’s tomato,
    I huffed and I puffed,
    I was cursed; it was stuffed,
    Now my horn and I both are castrato!

  63. John Cooney says:

    “Player Rivalry”

    Wind instruments suited the strumpet,
    Whose clients loved soirées with crumpet,
    She wasn’t a fan,
    Of the Elephant Man,
    Who bragged: “Screw you! I blow my own trumpet!”

  64. Charles Simmons says:

    She said “I do not give a hoot,
    If you play classic tunes on your flute.
    Now if you played an oboe,
    Our love could bloom and grow
    But, for now I’ll give you the boot”.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    My doctor was very forlorn
    His equipment was tattered and worn
    I needed a scope
    And he fine’ly found hope
    Using tubes from his buddy’s French Horn

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    The bulk of my dates are real “drips”
    And the others I have to call “pips”
    But Mike was the worst
    And I really felt cursed
    When he kissed me with stiff trumpet lips

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    On my laptop all sites are unseen
    And I think it is truly obscene!
    I’m starting to panic
    I need a mechanic
    I am facing the horror: BLUE SCREEN !!

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    OOPS! Rhyming Error!

    Is my laptop just being real mean?
    Ev’ry site that I try is unseen
    I am starting to panic
    I need a mechanic
    I’m facing the horror: BLUE SCREEN !!

  69. Steve Benko says:

    “Our favorite sonata for flutes
    We enjoy in our famed birthday suits,”
    Said Adam and Eve,
    “It’s how stress we relieve;
    For those fig leaves, we don’t give two hoots.”

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    The “IMAX” is really so “keen”
    (The best movies I’ve ever seen)
    Oh Wow! They are big
    And I’m sure you will dig
    That they’re shown on a D D D screen

  71. Dave Johnson says:

    (A wind instrument – sort of…)

    A TV show went to the heart:
    How people react to a fart.
    One actor whose test
    Rose above all the rest;
    His flatulence earned him the part.

  72. Dave Johnson says:

    Their image was up on the screen
    At the stadium, sure to be seen
    By fans who would tell
    Both their spouses as well;
    That Kiss Cam is ruthless and mean.

  73. Dave Johnson says:

    Some walkers are quite often seen
    With faces immersed in a screen
    While crossing the street.
    If we happen to meet,
    My horn will disrupt their routine.

  74. Dave Johnson says:

    A bagpiper, Argus McDiffy
    Was marching so proud and quite spiffy.
    But wind gusts would come,
    Thus revealing his bum;
    Along with a crowd-pleasing stiffy.

  75. Valerie Fish says:

    Her candle burned out long ago
    The beautiful Marilyn Monroe
    I’d sit glued to the screen
    Bewitched by Norma Jean
    Wishing I was Jo DiMaggio

  76. Lisi Nortman says:

    “One Of The Greats: Louis Armstrong 1901-1971: “Satchmo”

    If young, you will not recall “Satch”
    A trumpeter no one could match
    And on the big screen
    He was jazzy and “mean”
    (Daisy Parker sure knew a good catch)

  77. Alex Klebenow says:

    Three Musical Limericks

    Playing saxes I’ve never been seen,
    ’cause your ears you would soon have to SCREEN,
    I can play on a Horn,
    to the trumpet was born,
    But on winds I will always turn green.

    I once knew a really grand fellow,
    He made music upon a cello
    But then then a string broke,
    and he thought he would croak,
    till a clarinet made him turn mellow.

    I have been known to commit sin,
    It happened on a violin,
    I put up a SCREEN,
    and off it bounced a bean,
    It was thrown from a man with grin.

  78. John Cooney says:

    “ No Buzz – Bad Review”

    The Flight of the Poor Bumble Bee,
    Played poorly and in the wrong key,
    Conductor embarrassed,
    And orchestra harassed,
    – The flautist was fluthered, you see!

  79. Tim James says:

    An orchestra struck for more pay.
    Tempers flared; threats and anger held sway.
    Then the woodwinds and brass
    Got the contract to pass.
    So non-violins carried the day.

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    I multi task and take great pride
    (Mama Dearest was always my guide)
    She said, “On your trombone
    Attach a cell phone
    And your “undies” can hang on the slide”

  81. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mr. Clarinet sure has his needs!
    He is one of those real pesky breeds!
    He complains that he’s squeaky
    Insists he is freaky
    And cries about all his chipped reeds

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version

    My Mama was mentor and guide
    By all of her rules I’d abide
    She said, “On your trombone
    Attach a cell phone
    And your “undies” can dry on the slide”

  83. Ken Gosse says:

    A short autobio:
    Up an Octave, Down the Drain ~
    Bass clarinet was my forte in school;
    I handled it like a fine artisan’s tool.
    In college they said
    “Play the short one instead,”
    but the licorice stick made me sound like a fool.

  84. Sharon Neeman says:

    In the sixties, the Penny Lane scene
    Had a fireman who cleaned his machine.
    Ah, but now (sad to mention)
    He’s home on a pension
    And watches (not “washes”) his screen.

  85. Sharon Neeman says:

    Though Don wanted to play the euphonium,
    What transpired was pure pandemonium,
    For his notes were so loud
    That they frightened the crowd,
    And his phrasing stank worse than ammonium.

  86. Bill Pfeil says:

    An advantage to guys who will screen
    For a mate in our match-making scene.
    While her play things she shows,
    He hides his beneath clothes
    Just how fair is the dating routine.

  87. John Cooney says:

    The ugly duck played penny whistle,
    So dolore, feroce as gristle,
    A swan, now, you know,
    So he changed to oboe,
    But quacked his weed, wongful dismissal!

  88. Gina Buselli says:

    The harmonica is fine to play
    It only takes two skills they say
    If you can suck and blow
    You’ll perform well, you know
    At the very least you’ll play okay

  89. Lisi Nortman says:

    On a beautiful June afternoon
    On my sax I played Mary a tune
    But was I seeing red
    When that idiot said:
    “I just love your real jazzy bassoon”

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    My instrument is the trombone
    As as artist, I stand all alone
    Used to play the bassoon
    Till Sir Maestro Calhoun
    Said, “Its use is still truly not known”

  91. Lisi Nortman says:

    We were known as the “Bensonhurst Bums”
    (A band with a trumpet and drums)
    But one afternoon
    I switched to bassoon
    Cuz my mommy said I was “all thumbs”

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    Minor Change (L1)

    I’m a genius at playing trombone
    As an artist, I stand all alone
    Used to play the bassoon
    Till Sir Maestro Calhoun
    Said, “Its use is still truly not known”

  93. Lisi Nortman says:

    All trumpeters say they’ve got “smarts”
    They brag it’s the hardest of arts
    And when they’re not playing
    They’re swinging and swaying
    And constantly fing’ring their parts

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    My coach in L.A. said “Now Sammy:
    I feel you can win this year’s Grammy”
    (Practiced trumpet all day)
    My hard work sure did pay
    But my dog ran away to Miami

  95. Jean McEwen says:

    When away from my trusty spittoon
    On the stage where I play the bassoon,
    The saliva that drips
    Through the reeds from my lips
    Turns each note that comes out into ruin.

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the symphony concert in June
    I felt like a total buffoon
    My smart date explained
    What each opus contained
    Then I asked, “What the hell’s a bassoon?”

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    My dear oboe has serious needs
    It talks to me (gets down and pleads)
    Says “Please take me around
    To a place that I found
    Which is called “Help For Real Moldy Reeds”

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    When playing the oboe you should
    Keep practicing till you are good
    But in Mad’s special case
    She just couldn’t keep pace
    With an ill wind that blew her no good

    (JUST A JOKE!!)

  99. Lisi Nortman says:

    OOPS!! Rhyming Error!! “Just A Joke”

    When playing the oboe you should
    Highly value the texture of wood
    But Mad didn’t care less
    She was under much stress
    With an ill wind that blew her no good

  100. Thomas Vincent says:

    This probably breaks all sorts of rules but it’s fun so I’ll post it

    A talented ape name of Bobo
    Learned to play Debussy on an oboe.
    He was joined on bassoon
    By a big lipped baboon
    And a rooty-toot flutin’ bonobo

  101. Nate Levin says:

    As I stare at the jittery screen
    I wonder, now what can this mean?
    One more call for a verse?
    I suppose I’d do worse
    To pretend that the call went unseen.

  102. P Diane Schneider says:

    The Celebrity

    He had a deep need to be seen
    Appearing so buff and so lean
    So he hit the gym
    So he could get slim
    Then all would see him on the screen

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Version Three”

    This piccolo’s truly a curse
    My fingers have never felt worse
    But size is the key
    So it’s just right for me
    Cuz a tuba won’t fit in my purse

  104. Bill Pfeil says:

    When a lim’ricist’s demise has come,
    To natural causes succumb,
    Piercing time’s carnal screen,
    The soul’s ascent is seen,
    We hear ‘DUM da da DUM da da DUM’.

  105. Lisi Nortman says:

    The tuba has very deep tones
    Its vibes get right down to your bones
    This rich piece of brass
    Can really “kick ass”
    But when lifted, you always hear groans

  106. Lisi Nortman says:

    “My Bobby’s” a really cool teen
    He’s researching “Harmful Caffeine”
    When I came in his room
    I surely did fume
    Cuz that’s not what I saw on his screen

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: above limerick: line 2…..I meant to say (Says he’s researching “Harmful
    Caffeine”) NOT He’s been researching “Harmful Caffeine”
    Could you change that for me?
    Thank You….Lisi



  108. Kirk Miller says:

    The choice of their horns did nettle
    The marchers, who had to settle
    For some tubas to blow
    At the half-time show;
    While marching, they played “heavy metal.”

  109. Roger Haugen says:

    Breathed the industry’s reining porn queen,
    “I don’t care if some think it obscene;
    I screw on the screen,
    And what does it mean?
    Just another good-paying job scene.”

  110. Lisi Nortman says:

    “The Big Bands” (acrostic)

    M usicians way back in the day
    U sed to make all the folks “swing and sway”
    S hiny saxophones played
    I nstant romances made
    (C uddled up. Closed their eyes. Come what may)

  111. Delano Britt says:

    Forever and ever the flutes shall play
    Lending new joy to each shining day
    Useless it is to resist their charm
    Try to love them, there’s really no harm
    In every way they are okay so embrace the flutes and let them stay

  112. Lisi Nortman says:

    I play bag pipes; I’m always in sync
    Yet sometimes I just sit and think
    How good could I be?
    When most people agree
    I sound good when they’ve had a stiff drink

  113. Tim James says:

    They say porn that pops up on your screen
    Is indecent, but that stuff’s routine.
    It’s the photos and vids
    Of detention-camp kids
    That should rather be labeled obscene.

  114. Lisi Nortman says:

    Got a part in a very good show
    But the music score I didn’t know
    Then up to my tricks
    (Figured seventy six)
    Of them trombones, then who’s gonna’ know?

  115. Dave Johnson says:

    (A tribute to The Memphis Horns – Wayne Jackson and Andrew Love)

    Their signature trumpet and sax
    Would lay the foundation for Stax.
    Now Jackson and Love
    Can be heard from above
    Still playing those sweet, soulful tracks.

  116. Daisy Ward says:

    The theater had a strange movie screen
    All they showed was blue love scenes
    Got excited, then choked
    On a piece of anti-choke
    Several ambulances rushed to the scene

  117. John Cooney says:

    “Sacré Blew.”

    Our horn player, i’ll s’appelle Francois,
    Turns on when he drinks Stella Artois,
    He drools, as he fondles,
    Poor fools in ensembles,
    Pour lui, “Trio” est ménage à trois!

  118. John Cooney says:

    “Sacré Blew.”

    Our horn player, i’ll s’appelle Francois,
    Turns on when he drinks Stella Artois,
    He drools, as he fondles,
    Poor fools in ensembles,
    Pour lui, “Trio” – c’est ménage à trois!

  119. John Cooney says:

    “Storm Enterprise”

    When Spock’s Vulcan spermatogonium,
    Was merged with Arctic archegonium,
    It spawned a gas child,
    Point-fingered and wild,
    Prodigious to play the euphonium!

  120. John Cooney says:

    Sowwy Madeleine. Change to of silly limerick sent on July 6, 2019, at 07:08. (This is annoying for you. If I were in your shoes, I’d be very annoyed – as I have webbed feet!) (Perhaps, it would have been better to leave bad enough alone!)

    The ugly duck played penny whistle,
    So dolore, feroce as gristle,
    A swan, now, you know,
    So he switched to oboe,
    But quacked his weed – wong stwain of thistle!


    Don’t worry about it. :)

  121. Bill Pfeil says:

    Thoughts in anapest now his mind screens.
    At the store he said “ONE pound sarDINES,
    And those APples, and CHEEZE,
    Some fresh BREAD, two loaves PLEASE,
    And that PRUNE juice, plus THREE cans of BEANS.”

  122. Bruce Alter says:

    The prettiest girl he had seen,
    Was Ms. Kane of the Silver Screen.
    Her boop-boop-a-doops
    Sent his heart through ten hoops
    And his thoughts of her were quite obscene.

  123. Bruce Alter says:

    Corrected version:

    The prettiest girl he had seen,
    Was Ms. Kane of the old Silver Screen.
    Her boop-boop-a-doops
    Sent his heart through ten hoops
    And his thoughts of her were quite obscene.

  124. John Cooney says:

    “Communication Problemo”

    A family Pipe-band which was Amish,
    Marched eastward and met the cop, Hamish,
    “Bitte, how kan ve all,
    Reach the Carnegie Hall,”
    He says: “Practish and practish and practish!”

  125. Bruce Alter says:

    Polonius, in back of the screen,
    Made an effort to listen and glean
    About memorabilia
    On his daughter Ophelia,
    Instead he got stabbed in the spleen.

  126. John Cooney says:

    Message for Kirk Miller:


    Your limerick is very impressive and clever. It was the first entry received and it scared me because it was so good. Well done.

    John Cooney.

  127. John Cooney says:

    Msg. for Steve Benko,
    Steve, I hate you for you are so talented!!,
    I love your good grass limerick.

  128. Tim James says:

    Edited for meter…

    Who’s this woman I see on my screen?
    Ms. Rapinoe, a soccer machine.
    She can shoot, dribble, pass,
    And kick Trump’s sorry ass.
    F#*@ing awesome, from what I have seen.

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Madame Bee Bee” is really so keen
    She told me she’s known as “The Queen”
    Says her stage name is “Honey”
    Has made tons of money
    Cuz most of her time’s spent on screen

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    “From An Expert”

    The flute is so classy and light
    Its tones seem to soften at night
    Your arms never ache
    The foot joint won’t quake
    And your head doesn’t stiffen. Yeah Right.

  131. Lisi Nortman says:

    a very slight modification

    The flute is so classy and light
    Its tones seem to soften at night
    Your arms will not ache
    The foot joint won’t quake
    And your head never stiffens. Yeah Right.

  132. John Cooney says:

    Msg for Brian Allgar:
    I enjoy your lewd and really funny limericks.
    I was quite surprised to find that you, too, rhyme “whore” with “sure”.
    I thought that we were the only nation who pronounced “whore” as “hoor”.
    In fact, sometimes the word is used to describe any female who has a facility for any pursuit. For example, if a girl is good at Math, one might say: “She’s a “hoor” at sums!” I find this hilarious.
    Anyhoo, thanks for entertainment.
    John Cooney.

  133. John Cooney says:

    “Stoned by a Muse”

    Believe it or not, in Salonica,
    I retrieved, kid you not, the fair Monica,
    What a mouth on an organ!,
    Though she looked like a gorgon,
    The best ever heard on harmonica!

  134. John Cooney says:

    “Stoned and Bemused”

    Believe it not, in Salonica,
    I retrieved, kid you not, the fair Monica,
    What a mouth for an organ!
    Go south, hairy gorgon,
    Distinction achieved on harmonica!

  135. Delano Britt says:

    Forever and ever the flutes shall play
    Lending their joy to each new shining day
    Useless it is to resist their charm
    Try to love them there’s really no harm
    Everyone bad whatever they say, those magical flutes will make it okay

  136. John Cooney says:

    “Phoney Bulloney”

    What a find on a dig ‘neath a screen!
    But a proud and stout pygmy, in green,
    Who offers fools gold,
    For a black male, I’m told,
    This outed gay leprechauneen!

  137. Lisi Nortman says:

    The tuba is famously known
    For emitting a very loud tone
    No one ever taught Nate
    Yet he still plays so great
    (He picked up that noise on his own)

  138. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s your clarinet; you must conceal it
    It is made of rare metal; just feel it
    Place in oboist’s case
    There won’t be much space
    But by doing this, no one will steal it.

  139. John Cooney says:

    “Black & White & Red All Over.”

    A penguin in pain when ‘twas sunny,
    Consulted his quack, Dr. Bunny:
    “Obtain this sun-screen,
    It contains nicotine,
    If it stains you, I’ll refund your money!”

  140. John Cooney says:

    “Career Guidance”

    The New York Times posted on Twittah,
    An ad for a kind babysittah,
    But they took down the screen,
    When deranged Frankenstein,
    Responded and sounded quite ‘bittah’!

  141. John Cooney says:

    Line 5 (amended):
    Responded with sounds kinda ‘bittah’!

  142. John Cooney says:

    “Jungle Swing”

    The cameraman blushed through the scene,
    With Tarzan and Jane in between,
    A rock and a hard place,
    A shock! And it’s first base,
    The screams nearly shattered the screen!

  143. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m learning to play the trombone
    For months I have practiced alone
    I was fine’ly so glad
    That I played it for Dad
    And all he could say was “MORONE !!!!”

  144. Delano Britt says:

    There once was a dean with a screen
    Who was sure it would never be clean
    For the dirt was so gross
    It made him morose
    This overly finicky dean

  145. Dave Johnson says:

    (Members from James Brown’s horn section: Maceo Parker – alto/tenor sax, Pee Wee Ellis – tenor sax and Fred Wesley – trombone; they were later known as The JB Horns)

    With Maceo blowing his horn,
    A new style of rhythm was born.
    Plus Pee Wee and Fred;
    As they powered ahead,
    The dance floor got crowded and worn.

  146. Tim James says:

    I asked if she wanted to feel
    My instrument. “Sure!” With great zeal,
    She fingered and blew it.
    From this I intuit
    I’ve still got that ol’ sax appeal.

  147. John Cooney says:

    “Elder Abuse”

    My Granny ran off to Nantucket,
    The night some jerk stole my shit-bucket,
    O.M.G., I’ve just seen,
    Her corpse on the screen,
    She totaled my car, so Nan took it!

  148. John Cooney says:


    The Queen of the Land grew so tired,
    Of fanfares for grandchildren sired,
    But, when Reverend Mother,
    Had one after t’other,
    A host of big canons got fired!

  149. John Cooney says:

    Sorry. Line 5 amended to:
    A host of big canons were fired! (“Were” for “Got”)(not forgotten- just fired)

  150. John Cooney says:

    “Tuning – Shmuning!”

    It is tricky to tune a piano,
    You can hone the craft down in Milano,
    The cello – too low,
    Too high – picc-olo,
    But, you can’t tuna fish whose soprano!

  151. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    “It’s yuge like a friggin’ trombone!”
    This made prostitutes snicker or groan.
    “It’s more like a whistle,”
    One said in dismissal.
    “Whatevs, Trump sure loves blowing his own.”

  152. John Cooney says:

    “The Buzzard of Oz”

    The Outback taboo should deter you,
    You’ll succumb to its didgeridoo,
    And when you wake up,
    A yahoo with make-up,
    And a tube, will ask: “Did you come to?”

  153. John Cooney says:

    Line 5 alternative:
    And tatoo, will ask: “Did you come to?”

  154. Diane Groothuis says:

    Oh play me a musical tune
    By trumpet or flute or bassoon
    Octaves chords and long trills
    Ever give me great thrills
    So I listen and drool as I croon.

  155. Diane Groothuis says:

    She starred on the old silver screen
    Flame haired she looked gorgeous in green
    Sometimes in a tiara
    With surname O’Hara
    Her first Christian name was Maureen.

  156. Lisi Nortman says:

    “JAWS” (screen and wind instruments)

    Spielberg’s “Jaws” was a film we’ve all seen
    Those sharks were horrific and mean
    At its start the euphonium
    Cause much pandemonium
    And prepared us for “shock on the screen”

  157. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” (wind instruments and screen)

    “Close Encounters” a film we’ve all seen
    Taught us aliens aren’t so mean
    The oboe/tuba duet
    No one could forget
    Was the “turning point moment” on screen

  158. Lisi Nortman says:

    slight modification L4 for better meter

    “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” (wind instruments and screen)

    “Close Encounters”, a film we’ve all seen
    Taught us aliens aren’t so mean
    The oboe/tuba duet
    We shall never forget
    Was the “turning point moment” on screen

  159. Fred Bortz says:

    From morning to night on his screen
    The “wisdom” of Fox can be seen.
    And the man at the tiller
    Takes heed of Steve Miller.
    No wonder he’s always so mean.

    To him coal is “Beautiful–clean!”
    And cars should all use gasoline.
    Why so? Here’s two answers:
    Those windmills cause cancers.
    And Socialists rule if we’re green.

  160. Fred Bortz says:

    There once was a beautiful lass
    Who sat with the boys who played brass.
    One guy, the first trumpet,
    Thought she was a strumpet.
    She slapped him when he grabbed her ass.

  161. Lisi Nortman says:

    wind instruments and screen

    I saw “Star Wars” when I was eighteen
    (Unreal mythical magic on screen)
    But the best part of all
    I shall always recall
    Was the “brass” which imbued ev’ry scene

  162. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Close Encounters Of The Third TRY (:
    Amazing oboe and brass duet at the moment of communication
    with the “Mothership” (The most enchanting scene of the movie)

    “Close Encounters”, a film we’ve all seen
    Taught us aliens aren’t so mean
    And the oboe/brass pair
    Made us fully aware
    Of the turning point right on the screen

  163. Dave Johnson says:

    (The Tower of Power Horns, not merely just a part of T.O.P, have brought their sound to many other recordings of artists such as Huey Lewis, Heart, Bonnie Raitt and Elton John)

    Their horn section obviously
    Defines how we hear T.O.P.
    They’ve played for the best,
    While reminding the rest
    How Powerful music can be.

  164. John Cooney says:

    “R.S.A. No comment T.V. We apologize for interference, not!!!”

    Though the scary birds of Venezuela,
    Squawk, loud and proud, in their regalia,
    A Soccer World Cup,
    Was really fucked up,
    By the rude noise of vile vuvuzela!

  165. John Cooney says:

    Alternative Line 5:
    By a rude and vile noise – vuvuzela!

  166. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Pres. was no where to be seen
    (That was clearly the news on my screen)
    All the states were at war
    But he couldn’t ignore
    His next turn on the “Trump Putting Green”

  167. John Cooney says:

    A-cros-tic President Don’t Walk The Walk”.


    Musical steps are in order,
    Usually starts with Recorder,
    Some try Clarinet,
    Into Sax., others yet,
    Can Trump-ets scale Mexican border?

  168. Bill Pfeil says:

    At the airport. a most loathsome scene
    Just to walk thru that AMF screen
    “Shoes and coins in the basket,”
    I near blow a gasket.
    A nation of sheeple is seen.

  169. Bill Pfeil says:

    Oops . . .

    At the airport. a most loathsome scene
    Just to walk thru that EMF screen
    “Shoes and coins in the basket,”
    I near blow a gasket.
    A nation of sheeple is seen.

  170. Sharon Neeman says:

    If my memory serves (and it should),
    It was Mitty* who first understood
    That the oboe (I quote
    Mr. Kaye**, whose wife*** wrote)
    Is “an ill wind that no one blows good.”****


  171. Lisi Nortman says:

    The football game now on my screen
    Tween’ “Junk Foods” and “Organic Clean”
    Shows two cheering sections
    In opposing directions
    And one of them’s shouting “Go Green!”

  172. Lisi Nortman says:

    I played oboe in band at my school
    Sounded great; I just loved my new tool
    But the really cute drummer
    Said, “That stick is a bummer;
    Percussionists rule; woodwinds drool”

  173. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Another Way Of Looking At It”

    I played the trombone at my school
    But today I just felt like a fool
    Cuz the girl on the flute
    Said I don’t look so cute
    And she claimed, “woodwinds rule; brasses drool”

  174. Lisi Nortman says:

    “A Girl Has The Right To Change Her Mind”

    For me, the trombone, (no dispute)
    Was my serious, major pursuit
    But to oboe I switched
    And the trombone I ditched
    Since Newt on the flute was so cute

  175. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  176. Dave Johnson says:

    When Jeremy went to the loo,
    He’d sit there and play his kazoo.
    Then someone would snap:
    “That thing’s sounding like crap!”
    And he’d say “I’m flushing it too.”

  177. Margie Nairn says:

    We bought a gigantic TV,
    Hi-Def, it’s the best it can be!
    But the set has a sheen
    That reflects off the screen,
    So there’s no bloody way you can see!

  178. Margie Nairn says:

    Our Telly has gotten a lean,
    So to see what it plays on the screen,
    You must lean to the right.
    By the end of a night,
    You’ve a crick in your neck mighty mean!

  179. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    She is tiny at barely five inches
    (I believe there are much larger finches).
    On a telephone’s screen
    She can scarcely be seen,
    And she’s not even there if one squinches.

  180. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    There once was a pasha (or bey?),
    Who hated the sounds that I’d play.
    “No more strumming and plucking;
    It’s, like, totally sucking;
    Try this flute and you best not say ney.”

  181. Dave Johnson says:

    Mad – please change line 4 of my posting above to read “That thing’s sounding like crap!” and line 5 to read “And he’d say “I’m flushing it too.”

    Thanks, DJ



  182. Lisi Nortman says:

    What a mess! Oh my dear! Mama Mia!
    And what a real stupid idea!
    This sax has 12 parts
    Didn’t use all my “smarts”
    Cuz I shouldn’t have gone to Ikea!

  183. Lisi Nortman says:

    With the oboe I haven’t had luck
    And sometimes I feel like a schmuck
    Although Mom says I’m “great”
    And Dad says, “First Rate”
    The band thinks I sound like a duck

  184. Lisi Nortman says:

    An oboe, so what I’ve been told
    Is a gizmo with both hands you hold
    And my friends here at school
    Says it really sounds cool:
    “Like a clarinet with a bad cold”

  185. Lisi Nortman says:

    For six years, I’ve been on the “scene”
    Attempting to be “Lim’rik Queen”
    But since I don’t dust
    I am simply nonplussed
    So what’d I just type on this screen?


    What’s that terrible sound, like a dozen
    Big blowflies contentedly buzzin’
    ‘Round the ass of a horse?
    Why, a Krummhorn, of course:
    The kazoo’s less agreeable cousin!

    Consider the poor Marine Trumpet:
    You don’t blow it. You bow it, or thump it.
    What “trumpet”‘s a thing
    Like a box with one string?
    Musicians decided to dump it.

  187. This tubist is trying to land
    A spot in our Oom-Pah-Pah band.
    His Oom is off pitch;
    But his pah-pah is rich,
    So I trust you will all understand…

  188. The President sits on his rump
    Playing brinksmanship games like a chump.
    He’s inviting The End:
    An evangelist friend
    Said an angel would blow the Last Trump.

  189. “Men, horny?” My friend shook her head;
    “We should call them ‘tromboney’ instead,
    For the young ones take pride
    In the length of their slide…
    And the old ones? They’re sackbuts,” she said.

  190. Lisi Nortman says:

    I have finally found my own niche
    So I asked the conductor “Just which
    Is the place for French Horn?”
    And he answered with scorn:
    “It’s the seat that is labeled “Miss Pitch”

  191. Lisi Nortman says:

    I must say I’ve a feeling of dread
    Cuz my “Match” date so clearly had said:
    “The oboe I play
    Oh, let’s meet today
    I’m the one who cannot turn her head”

  192. Believe me, I really don’t mean
    To sound Luddite. But many a teen
    Has been taught to insist
    That is doesn’t exist
    If it doesn’t appear on a screen.

  193. Though I certainly won’t intervene
    In this hobby for which you’re so keen,
    If you have to watch porn
    From night until morn,
    Please remember to wipe off the screen.

  194. John Cooney says:

    Will T,
    I really enjoyed these limericks. 👍

  195. John Cooney says:

    Will T,
    I really enjoyed these limericks. 👍
    Thank you,
    John Cooney.

  196. John Cooney says:

    “Raiders On The Storm”

    Rue the Vikings, those warriors convincible,
    Who wore sea-worthy clothes that were rinsible,
    Their shield-wall tight screen,
    Made of polystyrene,
    Was frightening and frankly invincible!

  197. John Cooney says:

    “Raiders On The Storm”

    Rue the Vikings, those warriors convincible,
    Who wore sea-worthy clothes that were risible,
    Their shield-wall tight screen,
    Made of polystyrene,
    Was trendy, gay, proud and invincible!

  198. John Cooney says:

    “NBD! Let’s do it Mañana.”

    A pan flute, a horn and bassoon,
    Met up to set up a new toon,
    But the blend, so shambolic,
    Made friends alcoholic,
    The word is they’ll dry out quite soon!

  199. John Cooney says:

    Apologies for speling eror in limerick posted at 7.26 p.m. (Eastern Time).
    “Risible” (end of line 2) should be “rinsible”.
    Apologies for being an ass in pain!
    John Cooney.

  200. John Cooney says:

    “Kango Saw Nothing”

    A didgeridoo on a scooter,
    Buzzed off to escape from a shooter,
    But, he suffered derision,
    As result of collision,
    With a kangaroo who had no hooter!

  201. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 326. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Time.