Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RACE or ERASE at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RACE or ERASE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CONDUCTORS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CONDUCTOR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 24, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 23, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Though his conduct has been a disgrace,
He’s reformed and he hopes to erase
His transgressions from searches,
Cuz Google besmirches;
He’s harmed by each truth-telling trace.

And here’s my conductor limerick:

When audience members still cheer
A conductor whose meter’s unclear
And whose gestures and cues
Mislead and confuse,
Count on this: He looks cute from the rear.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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134 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RACE or ERASE at the end of any one line”

  1. Brian Allgar says:

    Donald Trump! Who can fail to remember
    The horror we felt that November?
    I would say “A disgrace
    To the whole human race”,
    Except that he isn’t a member.

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    (Five from the archives)

    He thought he was winning the race.
    “C’mon, baby, let’s cut to the chase.
    Just blow me, OK?”
    But she told him “No way!”
    It was mace that she blew – in his face.

    The conductor was taking a bow
    When it seemed that he farted, and how!
    The second trombone
    Had unwittingly blown
    A bum note. He is unemployed now.

    The conductor exclaimed “Vot ze heck!
    You, ze violin in ze last deck –
    Your playing is poor, Jack;
    Zis scraping make Dvořák
    Sound ’orribly like a dud Czech.”

    Though she wanted to play the trombone,
    All her blowing produced was a groan.
    Still, she managed to land
    A good job in the band
    On the day the conductor was blown.

    The conductor examined the score:
    “Very pretty, but what is it for?
    I just wiggle my stick;
    How to end is the trick –
    When the orchestra stops, there’s no more.”

  3. Lisi Nortman says:

    He’s cheating! Oh what a disgrace!
    Forget about fixing your face!
    This gal’s 21
    (same age as your son)
    Leave that schmuck. DO NOT enter the race!

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    “That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
    “She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
    In ‘playing the flute’,
    But my flute had gone mute,
    So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”

  5. Mark G. Kane says:

    From the back, barely covered in lace,
    She was fine, I was up for a race.
    She turned corners, I followed.
    As I neared her, I swallowed.
    She’s a man, and not one I’d embrace.

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    You’re writing a “love note” to Grace
    It says, “I just crave your embrace”
    Here comes teacher, Miss Sneak
    Now you panic and freak
    Flip that pencil around and erase!

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    2020, we hope, will erase
    Every trace of Trump’s criminal ways.
    Let this monster obscene
    Be entirely unseen,
    Except, maybe, on visiting days.

  8. Jean McEwen says:

    The director of our Philharmonic
    Conducts scherzos at such supersonic
    Speeds that the fellows
    Who play oboes and chellos
    Have rebelled and gone straight monotonic.

  9. Jean McEwen says:

    Should the Orange One end up in first place
    In the next presidential race
    Or be tossed in the clink?
    Yikes–we’re nearing the brink
    Of a war between Blue and The Base.

  10. John Shardlow says:

    Is it safe to go out, are you sure?
    Maestro, there’s storm on the moor!
    At the end of his hike
    He survived lightning strike
    Because his conducting was poor

  11. Judith H. Block says:

    The performance today was a bummer.
    The tympani marched to their own drummer.
    The conductor was mad,
    More raging than sad,
    Should have listened to his mom, been a plumber.

  12. Judith H. Block says:

    All thought this would be a boring race,
    Here’s what happened- I’ll cut to the chase:
    The tortoise beat the hare.
    Perseverance! So there!
    The likely isn’t always the case.

  13. Judith H. Block says:

    He was a mere English instructor,
    On the carpet, became a conductor.
    A quite shocking find,
    Her response was quite kind.
    But not funny when he tried to fuck her.

  14. Kirk Miller says:

    In the midst of the marathon throng,
    I was told that I didn’t belong
    By a cop at the race.
    He said, “You’re out of place
    And I think you should just run along.”

  15. Lisi Nortman says:

    I just couldn’t keep up the pace
    And felt like a total disgrace
    But now with my “Scooter”
    (controlled by computer!)
    I have won the “Zoom Zoom Biddy Race”

  16. Lisi Nortman says:

    A railway conductor named Jack
    Was surely not given some slack
    His train of thought dropped
    The passengers flopped
    And stumbled along the wrong track

  17. John Shardlow says:

    Mrs. Franklin told Ben that “It’s frightening,
    To see you fly kites when it’s lightning”
    He then replied
    Don’t think I’ll be fried
    Conducting this test is enlightening

  18. Lisi Nortman says:

    A railway conductor named Bruce
    Was fired for drinkin’ fake “juice”
    He pounced on a girl
    And gave her a whirl
    Cause she had a real cutsie caboose

  19. Delano Britt says:

    The human life is a race.
    A fundamental chase.
    Some people are a disgrace they yell loud right in your face.
    The good people must set the pace.
    They must send the others up into space.
    If that was the case, what would be the base, no one ever would remain chaste.
    Being kind would be a waste.
    Sometimes we erase the taste of joy.
    Joy should be as soft as lace, not stinging like so much mace
    Joy is a boy with a car for a toy, or bow wrapped girl who is coy.
    We sit, we shudder, we lift, run, we hitch a ride so right a thumb.
    A conductor is a traveler, who teaches to play the game of trucks,cars and trains.
    A conductor is a reducer he shortens the time to make way for every possible rhyme.
    He never leaves you with the taste of slime, his words are never sublime.
    When we go he always know. We run skip and implore.
    Before we step out of the door, we hear a sound and hit the floor.
    Never stop to hear rhyming lore, because you know that we want more.
    Merrily, merrily, we hearken to breath not with even a slight reprieve.
    Mistakes are bliss if you correct them right. Past the day and through the night.
    Heroes are just and villains are wrong, they though lose while we sing this song.
    Those who come cannot be mistaken, for to love is never faking.
    Not here not there never to hide, tears we fear and bandages bind.
    Back and forth, round and round, past the sound.
    Through every mighty city and village town.
    Stop to hear us as we pound the dull dark and sullen ground.
    To guess our intentions to never mention.
    Needs no explanation, mind constipation. Frank attention to a question.
    Spoken belief is hard. Go to a play with a leotard.
    Magic, wonder, power myth heaven is hopeful bliss.
    Blithe is nearer to hate than love.
    Treasured like a gentle dove.
    A misty ran will take away all the pain.
    Nothing more can travel year. Though we rhyme past the year.
    Winter to summer is a lame bummer. To know is to go and to show.
    Hitting the ropes is an antidote. I would never lie if I try.
    As to grab a victory gab.
    Red,White,and Blue to face anew.
    To gobble down an edible stew.
    Who lifts up higher than you.
    Who grabs the peak of the mountain.
    To have no doubt whence we tear.
    Maybe the battle lines are drawn here.
    To cherish to grip the castle in the sky.
    I’ll never ever forget the chase here I stand and here I race.
    Lest we forget to strike with the hammer, to never go or to yammer.
    The conductor is not a word but a phrase to be heard lets go and see
    What time is to be. To show good face is to always race.
    The hills they shine with a roaring pantomime.
    Times are as bitter a lime.
    There is no reason to mime.
    Anything that we spot, lays onto eternal rot.
    Springtime flowers, love thee showers.
    That quenches them to ancient history.
    Past vaults that quake. That humor bakes.
    Stiffens resistance. To pause an instant.
    Ah, serenity, peace in a blindfold, two-fold comfort.
    Uncouth truth, is truth nonetheless.
    How we cater to our animal like nature.
    must we nurture longing.
    Do not debase the race. Do not put a sour face on it.
    Do not quit for if you do. You shall think less of you.
    The middle, the middle. The end the end.
    Part where you can never find a friend.
    To meddle not with cheaters.
    We end the meters of trust.
    We find the money bust.
    Is it you or is it just us.
    Past the years. The beer.
    We fall, might hit ground if any one else can hear the sound.
    The mountains in the distance reminds me of your eyes.
    How they tear up together in stormy weather.
    I can barely hear the sound your feet makes as they hit the floor.
    Do you cater or do you throw shade
    Upon this glade how it wavers.
    Do you believe it is just us.
    Could there be more out there.
    How do you let the dogs of war off the leash.
    Touch, breath, listen crouch.
    All the bats are coming out.
    To leer and the man.
    The hiss at the door.
    They crave more.
    I can barely attest.
    If you decide to wear your dress.
    Carry more to pace, I end the timely race.
    The human life is a race.

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    The greatest conductors, (it’s said)
    Are the ones who seem very well-bred
    We’re just so impressed
    With those who are best
    And in fact, they are now also dead

  21. John Shardlow says:

    For materials recently polled
    The top were silver and gold
    To conduct current flow
    Resistance is best low
    (even less when the metal is cold)

  22. Kirk Miller says:

    A conductor’s job I had attained
    On the railroad, but someone complained.
    The next day I was fired
    And cannot be rehired.
    My boss said that I wasn’t well trained.

  23. Ken Gosse says:

    A Matter of Geography ~
    My rhyming went into a daze
    when I learned how the Brits say erase:
    I rhyme it with race—
    That’s because of the place
    I was born is the North of the A’s.

  24. Regina Elliott says:

    “Cross-Country Calamity”

    A crisp October girls’ race day, kept pace
    A girl and I ran on wrong trail, lost place
    Then, she took off, came in first
    Thought this girls’ race was the worst
    Face plant in mud, third, photo can’t erase !

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    Not A Duplicate:

    The greatest conductors, (It’s said)
    Are the ones who seem very well-bred
    We’re all so impressed
    With the ones who are best
    As a matter of fact, they’re all dead

  26. Regina Elliott says:

    The train conductor was full of such dread
    Smug cow chewing her cud on tracks ahead
    He blew the whistle loudly
    She mooed, then began to pee
    Mornings like this ,he wished he stayed in bed !

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    The conductor’s notes so neatly propped
    On the lectern just suddenly dropped
    The flutist with dread
    Was in shock cause it said:
    “Wave your arms until music has stopped”

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    Remembering when Mad and Mark posted the video of the dog who strolled into the symphony

    The conductor was clever and quick
    This master did not miss a trick
    But the dog at his side
    Just kept barking and tried
    To get him to throw that damn stick

  29. Valerie Fish says:

    School sports day, mum’s egg and spoon race
    She was all set to clinch first place
    ‘Til she slipped on the grass
    Falling flat on her arse
    Ended up with egg on her face.

  30. Valerie Fish says:

    Annual sports day was taking place
    She was favourite to win the race
    How she felt such a fool
    When watched by the whole school
    She tripped and fell flat on her face.

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    I went to the “Symphony Forum”
    The speaker (with perfect decorum)
    Explained “The conductor
    Is NOT your instructor
    So keep up the beat and ignore ’em”

  32. Fred Bortz says:

    “It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
    Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
    “Your body’s so supple.
    I can’t wait to couple.”
    She replied, “Wait! This isn’t a race.”

  33. Fred Bortz says:

    Minor revision:

    “It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
    Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
    “Your body’s so supple.
    I’m eager to couple.”
    She replied, “Wait! This isn’t a race.”

  34. Victor Hood says:

    At last, she said “Come up to my place”
    Then my pulse just started to race
    Though the sex was okay
    I said “I’ll not stay
    ‘Cause the best part of this was the chase”

  35. Victor Hood says:

    The lady conductor was loose
    An easy lay one could deduce
    So I played on my hunch
    That my ticket she’d punch
    If I flattered her ample caboose.

  36. Tim James says:

    I see Mark Kane and I are thinking along similar lines…

    He was awed by her body and face,
    So he went with her, back to her place,
    Where he found out that “she”
    Was hung better than he.
    That’s an image he’d like to erase.

  37. Lisi Nortman says:

    I always try hard to erase
    The mem’ry of living with Grace
    In this nice roomy house
    My maddening spouse
    Was simply a big waste of space

  38. Tim Gray says:

    The way you behave is appalling.
    In fact, I find it quite galling.
    You conduct yourself
    With mannered ill health
    Your membership here we’ll be calling

  39. Tim Gray says:

    My screen has gone on the blink.
    It might be a soldering link,
    Or semi-conductor gone klunk,
    (More Chinese junk…),
    Or maybe too warm an heat-sink?

  40. Tim Gray says:

    The train guard was sentenced to die.
    In the electric chair he would fry.
    They three times threw the switch
    But each time was a hitch,
    The bad conductor made things go awry.

  41. Tim Gray says:

    It seems the whole human race
    Will simply vanish without trace.
    The cooling and storming
    From global warming
    Will all of us simply erase.

  42. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Max Factor”

    In the fifties, I loved Anna’s face
    (So full of such beauty and grace)
    Though her sister Marie
    Confided in me
    That she hid all her zits with “Erase”

  43. Kat Irving says:

    An electron felt most uninspired.
    ‘I’m drunk and most awfully tired.’
    ‘I don’t want to race’
    ‘Round and round at this pace.’
    He was negative ‘cos he was wired.

  44. John Shardlow says:

    At Oxford, they’re setting their store in
    An eight who were more used to whorin’
    The team, a disgrace
    Catch crabs every race
    They get them by sticking their oar in

  45. John Shardlow says:

    From last night I’ve got a bad head
    But we boozers are easily led
    That last drinking race
    Left us both ‘off our face’
    Are you sweating or have I pissed the bed?

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    On the train, something wasn’t okay!
    The conductor had harsh words to say:
    “This job I could shove
    Cause I’m so tired of
    My working all damn live long day!”

  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    The conductor seemed very forlorn
    And told me, “Today I am torn:
    “Though this job is first-rate
    Today ain’t so great
    Cause Dinah just won’t blow my horn”

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    “The Crucial Need For A Seasoned Maestro”

    The people were all at the show
    The conductor was still not below
    Yet the play was a hit
    Cause down in the pit
    Was “Replacement Sub Janitor Joe”

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    Minor Revision

    “The Crucial Need For A Seasoned Maestro”

    The people were all at the show
    The conductor was still not below
    Yet the play was a hit
    Cause down in the pit
    Was “Replacement Guy Janitor Joe”

  50. Colonialist says:

    For cancer-type cells to erase,
    I have been exposed for some days
    To radio rays,
    Which have clever ways
    Of rounding up any such strays!

  51. Tim Gray says:

    Trump, the bigoted fool,
    Who uses division to rule;
    Were he to embrace
    The whole human race,
    He’d make “America Cool”

  52. Tim Gray says:

    Donald Trump, were he to say
    “Often we don’t know the way,
    But we’ll work to erase
    Our differences base
    And together we’ll greet a new day”.

  53. Tim Gray says:

    Bloody Computers

    Silver I’m told by a whiz
    Is the best conductor there is.
    But then I am told
    Instead they use gold…
    Costs more (and goes with a fizz).

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Conductor” was in great disfavor!
    Our feelings could not have been graver!
    He heard us all say:
    “Look who’s coming our way
    It’s “William the weird wacky waver”

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our conductor’s got one” heart of lead”
    Now listen to just what he said:
    “There isn’t one reason
    For absence this season
    Unless you’re most certainly dead”

  56. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m working on all of the rests
    I’ve won many musical “tests”
    Here comes the conductor
    A.K.A. “The Destructor”
    (These naps are just what he detests)

  57. Fred Bortz says:

    I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
    For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
    For Quantum Mechanics,
    “Why Schrödinger Panics”;
    For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.

  58. Ailsa McKillop says:

    “Expertise” and a “vase” and “erase”
    Where a “zee” sound with “ess” you replace.
    And a Brit will rhyme “solder”
    With “colder”, not “order”
    And “buoy” with “boy” in this case!

  59. John Shardlow says:

    Conductance was measured in Mhos
    A name the boffins oppose
    Those S and I demons
    Now call them Siemens
    The reason for changing? f*** knows!

  60. Lisi Nortman says:

    I simply cannot run this “race”
    My colleagues show much faster “pace”
    ‘Tween leaks and alignment
    I do my assignment
    That French Horn is one pissy bass

  61. Tim Gray says:

    We forecast the poll, twenty-twenty:
    Trump little, the Democrat plenty.
    We’d like to erase
    That smug smile from his face
    And don’t want to ease him out gently.

  62. Tim Gray says:

    You know, once my poor bod
    Became a lightning rod?
    But my thick soles of rubber
    And being fat, full of blubber,
    Saved my poor arse, thanks to God.

  63. Tim Gray says:

    Alternate ending…

    You know once my poor bod
    Became a lightning rod?
    But my thick soles of rubber
    And being fat, full of blubber,
    Saved me being dead in the sod.

  64. Tim Gray says:

    R. Buckminster (Bucky) Fuller

    Bucky is, was a godsend.
    His thinking “Bucking” the trend.
    First you erase
    The populist base,
    Then see where your thinking will wend.

    If you always use what you’re taught
    Ideas new will be nought.
    It’s not a race
    For leaving a trace
    Will have your thinking be fraught.

    Using nature as an instructor;
    Natural rhythms a conductor;
    Nature does share
    That things aren’t square,
    But is a triangulated constructor.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    At one time so greatly admired
    Conductor Van Yawn had been fired!
    Each performance had gaps
    Cause he took many naps
    And all his concertos were tired.

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    My number of interviews grows
    For a maestro who has the right pose
    I’m feeling so glum
    Cause I just can’t find one
    With a snobby irate upturned nose.

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    My horse said, “I can’t even “place”
    “And that Jim is truly the case!
    “See, I’m on a strict diet
    Which works when I try it
    So feed me “fast food” then I’ll race.

  68. Tim James says:

    An ancient conductor named Tim
    (Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
    He was well past his prime
    Up on stage, beating time,
    Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.

    – by Tim Apple James (the “Apple” is soft)

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    “How It All Started”

    “I feel that this chap is quite thick
    Our dialogue sure didn’t click
    He can’t play a note
    He’s as dumb as a goat
    I say let’s just give him a stick”

  70. John Shardlow says:

    At the Proms, we’re herded like cattle
    To watch the great conducting battle
    All showing much flair
    But who had best hair,
    Was it Ozawa, Nowak or Rattle?

  71. Lisi Nortman says:

    A one ‘an a two ‘an a “rest”
    That’s my way to remember it best!
    I got it just right
    And even in spite
    Of the maestro who missed it and messed.

  72. Valerie Fish says:

    Oh how I wish I could erase
    Those laughter lines from my face
    They’re getting bolder
    As I’m getting older
    A fact I don’t want to embrace

  73. Valerie Fish says:

    Hare to tortoise ‘Let’s cut to the chase,
    You’ve no hope of winning this race.’
    But he was fated to lose
    When he stopped for a snooze
    And ended up with egg on his face

  74. John Shardlow says:

    School sports day, we’re up for the chase
    Both athletes with refinement and grace
    Showing poise, self possession
    At times there’s aggression
    Such a waste in the three legged race

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    There are many cliches about race
    I suppose that they all have their place
    Some “types” have what counts
    In abundant amounts
    Which sounds like a real worthy chase

  76. Tim James says:

    When the demagogue entered the race
    Scary changes began to take place.
    People took great delight
    Showing hatred and spite,
    Meeting two definitions of “base.”

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    Minor Revision L5

    There are many cliches about race
    I suppose that they all have their place
    Some “types” have what counts
    In abundant amounts
    Which sounds like real worthwhile chase

  78. Lisi Nortman says:

    These auditions are getting absurd!
    I still haven’t heard just one word
    From a man who conducts
    Then completely erupts
    And whose hair flies around like a bird

  79. John Edwards says:

    In the famous hymn ‘Amazing Grace’,
    The choir got ahead of the pace.
    The conductor yelled “Hey!
    We’ll do it my way.
    This is a hymn; not a race.”

  80. John Edwards says:

    The conductor stepped onto the stand.
    A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
    He looks pretty slick
    With his cute little stick.
    And he waves it in time with the band”.

  81. John Edwards says:

    I remember those school holidays,
    Getting lost in the Hampton Court Maze.
    The tour conductor
    Was a poor instructor.
    It’s a memory I cannot erase.

  82. John Edwards says:

    The Maestro’s young inamorato
    Was a bass who liked sex scatenato.
    By the time they had finished,
    The bass had diminished;
    He was singing soprano sfogato.

  83. John Edwards says:

    It’s a memory I cannot erase
    Getting lost in the Hampton Court Maze.
    Escape was denied
    When our Guide sighed, and died.
    We drank our own urine for days.

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    The maestro just downright exploded!
    When all of a sudden he noted:
    A terrible glitch
    All the horns were off-pitch
    (It seems that the basses were loaded!)

  85. John Edwards says:

    To a ‘cellist, a maestro from Datchet
    Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
    Your instrument lies
    Between your two thighs;
    And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    Not A Duplicate

    There are many cliches about race
    But is it a fact in this case?
    Do some “types” have what counts
    In abundant amounts?
    If so, it’s a real worthwhile chase!

  87. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Please daughter, dear, hurry (just race!!)
    Don’t be late for that dreamy embrace
    Take your comb and your brush
    I know he’ll just gush
    Most importantly, don’t forget mace”

  88. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Conductors” and “Erase”

    Conductors are born to keep pace
    For the flutes, violins and the bass
    The musicians behold
    A skill that’s pure gold
    One which timelessness cannot erase.

  89. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: darn it! I meant to say, can you change “For which timelessness will not erase” TO “One which timelessness cannot erase”



  90. Amazzing says:

    The Northern Mexican city of Juarez;
    Is a desirable target for Ocasio Cortez;
    “Tear down that place,”
    “Go Green” is the race,
    A model for USA cities she says.u

    Migrants living in filth is a grace;
    Americans should live in such space;
    Despite poorer health,
    She’ll destroy ugly wealth,
    Her privileged childhood she wants to erase.

    There’s a difference between wealth and greed;
    Understanding this is against Cortez creed;
    Greed is for only one, a disgrace,
    To get wealth for everyone we should race,
    But the Cortez creed is to mislead indeed.

    Centuries of progress she wants to erase;
    A Green New Deal this will replace;
    From cars to airplanes,
    Cow farts to trains,
    She delivers this BS with a straight face.

    Only love AOC says to embrace;
    But it’s with hate she wants to replace;
    Socialists to protect,
    From the politically incorrect,
    And your constitutional rights she will gladly erase.

    FDR, Reagan, Clinton, Barrack;
    When it comes to policy she can clean their clock;
    Knowledge of history she has not a trace,
    But she sure knows how to use the “ism” of race,
    Her historical fantasy is truly a crock.

    Of garbage, America is only ten percent better;
    She arrogantly thinks she’s a policy pacesetter;
    Her own genius she’ll proudly embrace,
    At 29 for top Dem she will race,
    If successful, shades of Venezuela will get her.

  91. Lisi Nortman says:

    As a senior, I just can’t keep pace
    I’ll remember a name,not a face
    Then at times it’s reversed
    So I think I am cursed
    ‘Twas a time I was part of the race.

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    The conductor announced with great poise
    “Our audience truly enjoys
    The way that I lead
    So we really don’t need
    Any instruments, (can’t stand the noise)

  93. Trump claims to have great poker face,
    but ask him ’bout religion or race.
    With Muslims he’ll stumble.
    White Nationalists? Fumble!
    His cards fly all over the place.

  94. Tim Gray says:

    Why do we say, “Yes that’s right”.
    Or, “No, I think that is trite”?
    The wrong we efface,
    And from mind do erase,
    But that doesn’t mean that we’re bright.

  95. Tim Gray says:

    Thinking about more than his putts
    And taking no ands, ifs nor buts,
    Sat down face-to-face,
    Stopped this stupid Arms Race…
    But then that would take guts.

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    The conductor was one angry chap!
    He was fired in less than a snap
    Just felt so disgraced
    He was being replaced
    By the new “Maestro Surrogate App”

  97. Daisy Ward says:

    A fast rabbit entered a race
    But the finish line, it was erased
    He ran more and more
    Crashed in to a door
    Disappeared, leaving no trace

  98. Dave Johnson says:

    So many have entered the race;
    It’s hard to remember their face.
    The winner’s first week
    In the office they seek:
    Evicting our nation’s disgrace.

  99. Fred Bortz says:

    Imagine that we could erase
    The twenty-sixteen Great Disgrace.
    We’d first undo Brexit,
    So no one respects it.
    Then let Hillary sit in Trump’s place.

  100. Fred Bortz says:

    It all will come true before long:
    Automatons lead us in song,
    Conductor-less trains
    Run by silicon brains,
    Theirs nary a thing two go rong.

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our maestro is one real “humdinger”
    He moves to and fro; does not linger
    And instead of a stick
    This real nasty prick
    Directs us by “giving a finger”

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I entered ‘The Marathon Race”
    I was certain I’d keep up the pace
    But I got so off-track
    Couldn’t find my way back
    For the next one, I’ll just run in place.

  103. Lisi Nortman says:


    As a teacher, I’d always erase
    With such force, I did not leave a trace!
    But now I’m retired
    My gig has expired
    And the pension I sure do embrace

  104. Lisi Nortman says:

    another version, also true

    As a teacher, I used to erase
    With such force, I did not leave a trace!
    I got so full of dust
    That my clothes all got mussed
    Not to mention the mess on my face

  105. John Shardlow says:

    When conducting his toe tapping suite.
    The Spooner group dancing was neat
    There were some bad reviews
    ‘Cos they wore the wrong shoes
    They were comfy and bucked up the feet

  106. John Shardlow says:

    Sorry Mad, too many feet in above, could you change line one to ‘toe tapping’

    Done. I also assumed you must have meant “suite.” So I changed suit to suite.

  107. john Shardlow says:

    Yes, thank you, blame ‘old timer’s disease!

    LOL! I’ll bet I’m older than you are. :)

  108. John Shardlow says:

    The oaf with the bright orange face
    Intends to set race against race
    A white national agenda,
    This serial offender
    Shows any remorse? not a trace

  109. John Shardlow says:

    In Paris, the composer king
    Stravinsky, was conducting ‘his thing’
    When a crash of tympani
    Produced a finale
    That caused The Riot of Spring

  110. Tim Gray says:

    There was a conductor named James
    Who delighted in musical games
    But the audience soon
    Said no to his tune
    And his harsh unmelodic refrains.

  111. Tim Gray says:

    She was young, she was lithe, full of grace
    As she lined up for her big race.
    She tripped along well
    But the champion fell
    She won. The old champ now in last place.

  112. Tim Gray says:

    I was enjoying a musical thrill
    Adding an end-of-line trill,
    Till the conductor said, “Honey,
    You’ve lost all your money
    To pay for your trill frill thrill bill”.

  113. Tim Gray says:

    As a bitter ailing curmudgeon
    Any opposing views I will bludgeon.
    The whole human race,
    I’ll shit on its face,
    As I lambaste with my verbal truncheon.

  114. Tim Gray says:

    The conductor said everyone on,
    The cost is only a dong.
    I said I’ve plenty of bling
    And lots of ka-ching
    But I’ve got no dong in my thong.

  115. Tim Gray says:

    Is taking a wash with E-Rays.
    Is a product I’d like to praise.
    The electron hot shower
    Wields such cleansing power
    That it lasts for a week or ten days.

  116. Tim Gray says:

    Copy/paste error in the above and a different end.

    Taking a wash with E-Rays.
    Is a product I’d like to praise.
    The electron hot shower
    Wields such cleansing power
    Its effect, you’ll agree, will amaze.

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of rhyming error:

    My number of interviews grows
    For a maestro who shows the right pose
    I’m feeling so glum
    Cause no one’s yet come
    With a snobby irate upturned nose

  118. Lisi Nortman says:


    My number of interviews grows
    For a maestro who shows the right pose
    I’m feeling so sad
    I just can’t find one lad
    With a snobby irate upturned nose

  119. Kat Irving says:

    Conductor McFlighty’s young beau
    Was a cellist who loved her. Uh-oh!
    One dawn, the sad fellow
    Woke alone; and his cello
    Had no strings attached. What a blow!

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    That Irish conductor’s INSANE!
    Claims “Musicians just don’t have a brain”
    So he hums “Too-A-Loo-Al”
    And has learned that it sure ‘il
    Just calm him and tune out the pain

  121. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  122. David Friedman says:

    Two pencils set off on erase
    Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace
    The number one led
    Then the two got ahead
    But it was a draw for first place.

  123. Lisi Nortman says:

    The conductor said, “Please follow me
    Now musicians, you must stay on key!
    So try not to miss
    It goes just like this:
    A one an a two an a three”

  124. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another “slightly” different version

    The conductor said, “Please follow me
    Now musicians, you must stay on key!
    So stay on your toes
    And remember it goes:
    A one an a two an a three”

  125. Tim Gray says:

    My husband, he sullenly frowned
    At my happy and joyful sweet sound.
    He said, “I’ll erase
    That smile from your face
    By putting you deep in the ground”.

  126. Lisi Nortman says:

    Oops: did not get the right words to “Too-Ra-Loo-Ral

    That Irish conductor’s INSANE!
    Claims “Musicians just don’t have a brain!”
    So he hums “Too-Ra-Loo-Ral”
    And he says that “it sure ‘il
    Just “calm him and tune out the pain”

  127. Val Fish says:

    Oh how I wish we could all embrace
    Each other’s teligion and race
    No discrimination
    Or segregation
    The world would be a much bettet place

  128. Lisi Nortman says:


    When I found a great tip on “E-RASE”
    My computer, I sure did embrace!
    It’s called “Get Rid Of Spouse
    Cause He’s Really A Louse”
    “Here’s directions; you won’t leave a trace”

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    Conductors are truly elite!
    How I love a great symphony suite
    I’ve seen so many flicks
    Where the maestro just “ticks”
    And that Mickey Mouse sure can’t be beat!

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    a minor revision

    My computer I sure did embrace
    When I found a great tip on “E-Rase”
    Called “Get Rid Of Spouse”
    “Cause He’s Really A Louse”
    “Here’s directions that won’t leave a trace”

  131. Lisi Nortman says:

    “erase” and “conductor”

    In my mind I must simply erase
    A moment of total disgrace!
    The conductor went nuts
    With that stick (what a putz)
    And smacked himself right in the face!

  132. Kat Irving says:

    I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
    Who plays an enormous red cello.
    When he picks up the pace,
    My heart starts to race.
    And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.

  133. David Friedman says:

    The folks on the train gaped and stared
    When the chief touch the lights and they flared
    They asked, all excited,
    How he got them lighted.
    “A conductor conducts,” he declared.

  134. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 318. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Grown.