Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TWIST at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TWIST at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CARS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CAR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 17, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 16 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A gal with a bun tried a twist,
Then confessed that she’d never been kissed.
But advice met resistance:
“Don’t want your assistance.
Stop dissing my hairdo!” she hissed.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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154 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TWIST at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. Jan de Ruiter says:

    A boy got his knickers in a twist
    He felt The Bern, if you get my gist
    He went to the poll
    And screamed like a troll
    His name was not on the list!

  2. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
    Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
    The damned car wouldn’t start
    So I had to ride BART,
    And you’d better believe I was pissed!

  3. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Gotta get me a new set of wheels,
    So I’d better go look for some deals.
    But if I pay those prices
    It’ll mean a cash crisis,
    And I may have to miss a few meals.

  4. “Yeah, her panties are all in a twist,
    Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
    I think that martini
    Went straight to his weenie
    … I found it too HARD to resist …!!!”

  5. Yup she’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
    Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
    Still, she runs like a dream
    (Did you hear a scream?!)
    ….I ought not to drive when I’m drunk!

  6. Yikes….please omit the second “I” in line 5. Thank you! :)

    From MBK: Fixed.

  7. Jan de Ruiter says:

    In our street lived an existentialist

    She always had gin with a twist

    My father once said

    Are you really not mad?

    That’s when he encountered her fist

  8. Brian Allgar says:

    “A Martini”, he drunkenly hissed.
    “With ice and with lemon, a twist …
    Oh, you moron!” he slurred,
    I said shaken, not shtirred!”
    Bond shot at the barman, but missed.

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    Rhyming slang involves giving a twist
    To the sense of a phrase. “Brahms and Liszt”
    Doesn’t mean what you think;
    After too much to drink,
    It’s the Cockney for “thoroughly pissed”.

  10. Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr says:

    I never can cease and desist
    From giving old saws a new twist.
    To tradition I say
    (And it’s true every day),
    A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    She was top of my “must be done” list;
    She would gasp, she would wriggle and twist
    When I did her. Alas!
    She said “Sorry, I pass”,
    So it’s back to my friend Mr Wrist.

  12. Jan de Ruiter says:

    Our doctor had a big Cadillac
    and we wanted to give him the sack
    His work was abominable
    which was most dishonorable
    But we couldn’t get rid of the quack

  13. Brian Allgar says:

    With his wealth, he can barely subsist,
    And the Donald, like Oliver Twist,
    Says “Please, Sir, I want more!”,
    But he targets the poor
    To supply him with all that he’s missed.

  14. Judith H. Block says:

    It was quite a clever plot twist
    Was one that most readers had missed.
    The butler lay dead
    It was the rye bread.
    Ergot toxin, not forbidden tryst.

  15. Judith H. Block says:

    With pleasure she would turn and twist,
    She loved his touch, loved to be kissed.
    With ecstasy, moaned,
    Her body, he owned.
    This man she could never resist.

  16. Jan de Ruiter says:

    Let’s twist again, lets twist –
    Hillary hugs George, in case you missed
    The cause is second to none
    Except when the money’s gone
    Kissinger is back for the money-realist


  17. Marty Gerendasy says:

    A nice vodka with tonic and twist
    Was just one of the drinks on my list.
    Then they gave me the news,
    Gotta lay off the booze.
    Now it’s one of the things that I’ve missed.

  18. Mark Kane says:

    Here’s a ‘Combo One’ which combines ‘Twist’ with ‘Cars’:

    As they drove to their hot torrid tryst,
    Their turbulent trip took a twist.
    She bad mouthed his Ford,
    Which she clearly abhorred,
    It’s the girl, not the car he dismissed.

  19. Brian Allgar says:

    In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
    And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
    We’d forgotten the brake,
    Ended up in the lake –
    Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.

  20. Judith H. Block says:

    She gave the jar top a good twist
    “Can’t open this damned thing!” she hissed.
    It was tightly sealed.
    It just would not yield.
    The result was a pain in her wrist.

  21. Dave Johnson says:

    The real estate agent had hissed
    “Another gin – tonic and twist..”
    After three or four more,
    They showed her the door;
    And that’s when she started to list.

  22. Brian Allgar says:

    Said Watson, “I fear that we’ve missed
    Something vital in how we exist.
    Although DNA’s great,
    Should it be quite so straight?”
    Crick replied, “Well, it’s simple – let’s twist.”

  23. Brian Allgar says:

    “Buddy, please can you spare me a dime?”
    Well, of course – being poor is no crime.
    But I felt like a jerk
    When he got in his Merc
    Saying “Thanks, bud, and here’s to next time.”

  24. Dave Johnson says:

    Back when they were doing the Twist,
    Those Caddy fins couldn’t be missed.
    The chariots brought
    What some romeos thought
    A good-looking dame can’t resist.

  25. Brian Allgar says:

    Driving lessons

    Her instructor said “Give it a twist,
    Just a delicate flick of the wrist.”
    Well, she did what he said,
    Then she gave him great head,
    So she’s now on the “Qualified” list.

  26. Suzanne Heymann says:

    They were dancing and doing the Twist
    He had groped for her boobs but he missed
    That spunky young hen
    Fought back and that’s when
    He came face to face with her fist.

  27. Dave Johnson says:

    If you drive in your car for a while,
    You’ll pass one about every mile.
    Twenty feet in the air,
    Big Brother is there;
    Just look at the camera and smile.

  28. Dave Johnson says:

    A horny young salesman named Rex
    Was having some parking lot sex.
    In the heat of it all,
    He butt-dialed a call
    That went to his soon-to-be ex.

  29. Suzanne Heymann says:

    We’re all marked on the aliens’ list
    As screwed up in the head with a twist
    They don’t want to land
    ‘Cause they can’t understand
    How we folks on this earth co-exist.

    They fly by to see what they’ve missed
    Watch us getting killed or getting kissed
    Our earthly detainment –
    Their sole entertainment
    Our drama they just can’t resist.

    Their travel brochures would consist
    Of important rules not to be missed –
    “Abduct, then let go
    To continue the show
    So our fun there won’t cease or desist.”

  30. Fred Bortz says:

    To win on Mad’s limerick list,
    Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
    For a lim that’s sublime,
    Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
    And of course you must end with a twist.

    I ended that verse with “a twist,”
    So declare–no in fact, I insist–
    I must get an award
    From the Limerick Board.
    If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.

    Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
    (I hope you are getting the gist.)
    I am ever so clever!
    I must win! However
    By now I think Mad must be pissed.

  31. Dave Johnson says:

    A true story:

    A road-raging jerk came along
    Tailgating and carrying on.
    To the right he did pass
    And showing his class,
    He flipped her off – then he was gone.

    That moment of triumph was short.
    Swerving back, his big truck did contort
    With an unwieldy spin;
    Thus placing it in
    A crash shop when he went to court.

    This story has plenty of merit;
    For the lady was able to share it
    On YouTube for free;
    So we all get to see
    How karma will win if you dare it.

  32. Jon Gearhart says:

    We got to the car lot just fine
    But drove right on by. “Wife of mine.
    When I said, my dear,
    Get Miata Here,
    I was just reading their sign!”

    (Wish I could italicize that…)

  33. Fred Bortz says:

    When I was a teen, they’d insist
    That we all had to learn how to twist.
    That sly Chubby Checker
    induced each young pecker
    To rise to the challenge. Few missed

    The chance, though the girls did insist
    That their limit was just to be kissed.
    “It’s all right to lock lips,
    But don’t swivel those hips.”
    Alas, it was hard to resist.

    So we learned what our parents had missed
    In those books we should read. They’d insist,
    Though they acted the prude
    About what to do nude,
    They were secretly glad for The Twist.

  34. Tom Harris says:

    I suppose if you insist,
    I’ll give the truth a little twist.
    But throw in some cash,
    And the facts I’ll stash
    And from all truthfulness desist.

  35. Mary mcgarvey says:

    Obamacare’s not Communist
    It’s socialism with a twist.
    Med prices may double
    But hey, that’s no trouble.
    Just quit working and simply enlist.

  36. Marty Gerendasy says:

    This damned cap won’t come off with a twist,
    And I’m getting increasingly pissed.
    So all I gotta say
    Is get out of my way,
    Or your face will collide with my fist!

  37. Mary mcgarvey says:

    Now Lenin was a pure Communist.
    Private enterprise ceased to exist.
    But hunger hit hard
    No potatoes, no lard!
    With NEP peasants danced the new twist.

  38. Mary mcgarvey says:

    He said, “I was born Communist!”
    These red diaper babies insist.
    “But my daddy’s so rich,
    I can hardly choose which
    Resume with fake jobs I can twist.”

  39. Kirk Miller says:

    O. Henry just couldn’t resist
    Martinis. When drinking, the gist
    Of his order would be
    As expected. You see,
    He liked things the best with a twist.

  40. Kirk Miller says:

    Charles Dickens could never resist
    A martini; the yearn would persist.
    So the bartender spoke
    Seven words as a joke:
    “Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”

  41. Mary mcgarvey says:

    No nation can stay Communist.
    Its survival–that’s part capitalist.
    Now Cuba’s the place.
    In their hole is an ace.
    Pepsi-cola in rum gives a twist!

  42. Kirk Miller says:

    I try to conserve gasoline,
    And want to become much more green.
    My Prius is nifty;
    Its gas use is thrifty.
    I say that it’s quite gas-o-lean.

  43. Kirk Miller says:

    An electric car auto amass
    Miles per gallon that surely surpass
    A conventional car,
    So electric cars are
    Said to be ones that really kick gas.

  44. Kirk Miller says:

    When you’re driving, you auto not peel
    Out real fast; torques folks off a good deal.
    It is fuelish, you see;
    Builds bad car-ma. Don’t be
    Biggest nut that’s behind steering wheel.

  45. Kirk Miller says:

    When he’s driving, his wife dimly views
    How he drives, so much car-ping ensues.
    Back seat driver is she.
    He’s as calm as can be.
    “You’re my autoharp, Honey,” he coos.

  46. Kirk Miller says:

    The repair on my car was splendid;
    Auto body shop was commended.
    I did not have to fret.
    Expectations were met.
    The firm came highly wreck-o-mend-ed.

  47. Mary mcgarvey says:

    “The Flower Drum Song” hits the list
    Of old musicals hard to resist.
    as they sing “Chop Suey”,
    Chinese say, “Now who he
    Fights progress, he must hate the twist.”

  48. Mary mcgarvey says:

    The Golden Gate Bridge tends to list
    Side to side, big storms not to resist.
    Better go with the flow
    Of sea winds that do blow.
    Steel cables must be built with a twist.

  49. Mary mcgarvey says:

    The doctor said, “Might be a cyst.
    We’ll keep testing if you insist.
    But chances seem low
    That it’s your time to go.
    Hope that devil doesn’t take up the twist!”

  50. Mary mcgarvey says:

    Chitty bang bang went my car.
    Such black smoke! I can’t go very far!
    What a terrible hacking
    When up I was backing.
    If It’s not nicotine, it’s the tar.

  51. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    There was an old captain called Twist
    whose ship had a heavy left list
    a storm broke the mast
    so a free vote was cast
    and everyone sat to play Whist.

    try to guess where I’m taking this gist
    turn left for a clue to its list
    Karl Marks would proclaim
    don’t mention my name
    when you plunge down a whirlpool twist.

    (Memories of good old sailoring days)

  52. Mark Kane says:

    You’ll hear Dickens’ work hawked in your midst.
    As you order your drink, they’ll insist
    You consider one book.
    At least take a look.
    Why are bars pushing “Oliver Twist?

  53. Randy Wagner says:

    Crappy Meatloaf (a twisted car entry):

    Jack and Jen parked their Dodge for a tryst,
    But had craps on their car bucket list.
    Barely dressed, first rolled Jen
    (Doubly blessed) a hard ten.
    ‘Twas a dashboard light pair-o’-dice twist.

    “A hard ten – a woman’s best friend” is a double entendre for a pair of fives in craps. The rest of this nonsense can be sorted out if you know Meatloaf lyrics.

  54. Mary McGarvey says:

    Once again my car’s at the garage.
    To heck with this heap of garbage!
    Hit the road if you like.
    Better: Just take a hike.
    Forget the repair bill barrage.

  55. Mary McGarvey says:

    The “Freedom” of driving’s a mirage
    We’ve been sold a big mess of pottage.
    When traffic won’t move
    It simply does prove
    That a car is a prison-in-carriage.

  56. Mary McGarvey says:

    We are on wheels a nation
    We don’t like perambulation
    Unless we’ve got a car.
    That puts us on a par
    With Chinese schlepped above their station.

  57. Randy Wagner says:

    Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
    Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
    You play like it’s Brahms
    Or drab Anglican psalms
    Then you add a Wagnerian twist!”

  58. Mary McGarvey says:

    I once used my car as an Uber.
    Can the Force ever fix this poor tuber?
    When passengers here
    Put their asses in gear,
    I forgot to remind them, “First, lube her!”

  59. Mary McGarvey says:

    In my car I once found a dead mouse
    Many more lived back then in our house
    The poor thing must have died
    He’d joined me for a ride
    With my maid who shunned even a louse.

  60. Randy Wagner says:

    The skies have been cloudy with mist
    And my skin isn’t warmly sun-kissed.
    But a liberal dose
    Of some sin over cos
    Yields a tan with an angular twist.

  61. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Couldn’t mambo or foxtrot or twist,
    And I wanted to see what I’d missed.
    But the great Arthur Murray
    Fixed me up in a hurry,
    So from now on, I’ll never be dissed.

  62. He indulged in a tryst with his fist
    After chopping some onions. A twist
    Of his hand caused him strife —
    For he still held the knife,
    And wound up unexpectedly bris-ed.

  63. Felix Mendelssohn couldn’t resist
    The new composition by Liszt.
    As it came to an end,
    Liszt inquired of his friend,
    “Do you like it? I call it ‘The Twist’!”

  64. In six days, from primordial mist,
    God created Creation. The twist?
    On the Eighth Day, He woke
    From His rest with a choke,
    And discovered He didn’t exist.


    Alfred Hitchcock delivered a twist
    With techniques much too subtle to list.
    But M. Night Shyamalan
    Ought to be told to desist.

  66. (I think I stole this pun from Brian, so… OOC)


    Poor William. His wrist gave a twist
    As he aimed at the apple — and missed.
    Cried his wife, “What the hell
    Have you done, William? Tell!”
    William Told. And oh boy, was she pissed.

  67. Randy Wagner says:

    Tee. Double you. Eye. Ess. Tee. TWIST!
    An acronym chefs can’t resist.
    They’ve always embraced
    “The Way It Should Taste”
    So succulent servings aren’t missed.

  68. Dave Johnson says:

    The visitors hailing from Mars,
    Had come here to check out some cars.
    At a big NASCAR race
    They noted from space:
    “Their traffic is faster than ours…”

  69. Dave Johnson says:

    One car that will never be missed
    Was a Ford, though it came with a twist.
    If ever a brand
    Had deserved to be canned,
    The Edsel was topping the list.

  70. Randy Wagner says:

    Inspired by Will T. Laughlin, here’s an old pun dressed up in a new limerick:

    William Tell and his brothers amidst
    Balls and pins found a way to subsist.
    For whom the Tells bowled
    Was an answer untold
    But cash kegling was quite a new twist.

  71. Randy Wagner says:

    Though catchy and fun, “Shout and Twist”
    Never made any chart topping list.
    If the writers had merely
    Flipped verbiage then, clearly,
    ‘Twould be very hard to resist.

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    Back in the day I did a mean twist
    I was such a good dancer, I couldn’t be missed
    Now I can’t walk
    But I shouldn’t balk
    I’m proud to say, I still exist

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    My 2000 Honda is really shipshape
    It’s a lovely color: concord grape
    It’s quite unique
    And unusually chic
    It’s held together with silver duct tape

  74. Lisi Nortman says:


    From MBK: Done.

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s seems to be an unusual twist
    In a comment made he could not resist
    If you have an abortion
    It will be your misfortune
    To be on the famous renowned blacklist

  76. Tim James says:

    At the speedway they sold me a ride
    In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
    My top speed was about
    One-oh-six. I got out
    Just as soon as my trousers had dried.

  77. Randy Wagner says:

    Reading a “race car” palindrome shared by Mark Kane in a Facebook post inspired this:

    Spelled backwards, “race car” is “race car.”
    If you thought that completely bizarre,
    Ponder “lepers repel.”
    “Stack cats” serves very well
    But “Bombard a drab mob?” Best by far!

  78. Thanks for yet another fun limerick prompt.

    My poem fits your prompt, as well as a list of other ones from various sites, plus the A to Z Blog Challenge of April and NaPoWriMo (National Poetry Writing Month).

    Exit strategy: A-Z verses from vintage visages

  79. Dave Johnson says:

    “It’s simple, just grasp it and twist.”
    He encouraged; She didn’t resist.
    Quite slowly at first
    And then with a burst;
    That Tesla’s now tops on her list.

  80. Mary McGarvey says:

    High blood pressure pills have me pissed.
    The doc said, “Take ’em or risk
    Stroke or heart attack,
    like death on the rack,
    Worse than taffy pulled with a twist!”

  81. Mary McGarvey says:

    The Chinese invented the rickshaw
    But then had big lawsuits with cart law–
    Too many injured from jars.
    Better off now with cars:
    They crash to the death and say, “Aah!”

  82. Mary McGarvey says:

    They’ve restricted the parking at Muir Woods.
    Have the Park Rangers flipped all their hoods?
    We’ll drive cars if we please
    If it’s off to see trees!
    NPS loves to hog nature’s goods.

  83. scott says:

    he told her “I really insist
    we give our love-making a twist”
    he’s now with the doc
    reattaching his c*ck
    while she’s at the proctologist

  84. Mary McGarvey says:

    To driving school came a hot lass
    Who kept all her brains in her ass.
    When she fooled with the dash
    We all heard the rear crash.
    Now she’s brain-dead – still tops in her class.

  85. Mary McGarvey says:

    Gavin Newsom, our mayor, so green!
    Drove his SUV hybrid, so clean,
    To the Opera. Why walk
    Round that block? He’s all talk.
    Anti-car hypocrites love their spleen.

    In Montana was Bride Number Two
    That Mayoral Hybrid would do
    To drive up there and back
    With new wife in the sack.
    Ask him, “Does coal burn black or blue?”

    Now he’s already made his fourth child
    To point out he’s a liar is mild.
    When it comes to his car
    The carbon output’s way far
    Than the diaper shit they have all piled.

  86. Byron Ives says:

    His new car was squatty, but smart
    He called it his little ‘smart tart’
    He sure was dismayed
    When a shopping cart strayed,
    And totaled that cute little fart

  87. Byron Ives says:

    Dad learned about girls on the double
    And drove cars before he had stubble
    With my first fast coupe,
    He said, “Son, here’s the scoop,
    If it has tits or tires, it’s trouble.”

  88. Randy Wagner says:

    “It’s time for an S&M twist,”
    Snickered Mistress de Bauch as her fist
    Burrowed deep in his rectum.
    She didn’t expect him
    To scream, “Where’s my proctologist?”

  89. Dave Johnson says:

    Those campers who hog the left lane
    All manage to drive me insane.
    It sure would be fun
    To pull over each one
    And cite their malfunctioning brain.

  90. Mary McGarvey says:

    Said the priest to the nun, “I adore
    All your body, above all that door
    To your engine: your Volvo;
    let’s make your motor go”
    “I’m no car, that’s my vulva, you boar!”

  91. Randy Wagner says:

    Max knows that his girlfriend, Miss Mazie,
    Puts out in posh cars if he pays. He
    Will madly connive
    At the dealer’s to drive
    A hard bargain, a Jag, and her crazy.

  92. Mary McGarvey says:

    Cars race up steep hills in Frisco,
    But it’s rare that they’ll take the risk-0
    Of barreling down
    Into bad parts of town.
    They’ll hit druggies out doing their disco.

  93. Randy Wagner says:

    Madeleine – change “Makes out” to “Puts out” in my last lim and I’ll be a happy camper.

    From MBK: Done. :)

  94. Mary McGarvey says:

    Cars in Frisco tend to run small
    Yet still there’s no space left at all
    For bikes or for scooters
    Or skateboards with hooters.
    Only yoga mats park by the wall.

  95. Mary McGarvey says:

    Mel Brooks, cursed with vertigo, sadly,
    Drove down Frisco’s Lombard Street badly.
    His car went so slow
    For he just didn’t know
    If ass-backwards he’d have less anxiety.

  96. Mary McGarvey says:

    The proper life goal is to seize
    Every ass, tit or cock you can squeeze.
    But if the car’s moving
    It might be behooving
    You both to be doing it hands-frees!

  97. Mary McGarvey says:

    Now Goodwill has Norwegian sweaters,
    hula hoops, holey socks and old letters.
    Even cars are for sale.
    And By each hangs a tale
    Of past years when once owned by your betters.

  98. Mary McGarvey says:

    When Kissinger opened up China
    Like a goldmine, true Forty-ninah
    Millions switched from old bikes
    To new cars and car mikes.
    Hear them sing karaoke, long linah!

  99. I’ve heard women’s judgment is quick
    From your car to the size of your dick.
    So goodbye, SUV:
    It’s a Mini for me!
    Now to find me a girl who drives stick…

  100. (Following on from my “sibling” limerick from a few weeks ago)


    A Twister can certainly twist.
    But this Blister’s not leaving me “blist”.
    Though a Mother can’t “moth”
    And a Brother won’t “broth”,
    It’s my Sister who gave me this cyst.

  101. Tim James says:

    My wife and I couldn’t resist
    An old drive-in. That passion we missed!
    But what once was quite agile
    Has now become fragile:
    No more can my back flex or twist.

  102. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Some guy had a slick Lamborghini
    Compensating for his teeny weenie
    But why pick up chicks
    Who prefer bigger dicks?
    What this boy really needs is a genie.

  103. Suzanne Heymann says:

    They drove under a sky that was starry
    Through the African lion safari
    But that was their last ride.
    Seen by one lion pride —
    Their convertible roofless Ferrari.

  104. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A Jaguar parked close to the beach
    Just bikini bait all within reach
    A tsunami broke free
    Swept the Jag out to sea
    You can hear the small swimsuits still screech.

  105. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A dude with a mobster-like voice
    Cruised around in his pricey Rolls Royce
    Scared the girls all away
    With his gun on display
    Rosie Palm’s now his ultimate choice.

    (Rosie Palm and her [ahem!] five sisters, if you know what I mean)

  106. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A beat-up VW van
    Driven by a plain, mild-mannered man
    Helped some poor, stranded ladies
    And fixed their Mercedes
    They kiss him whenever they can.

  107. If a girl doesn’t want to be kissed,
    Take the hint, and don’t try to insist.
    But if you disagree,
    Don’t come crying to me
    When the girl gives your scrotum a twist.

  108. In his pants the geologist pissed
    As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
    When it fell on his head,
    The geologist said,
    “Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”

  109. Mary McGarvey says:

    In Lapland I was driving a car
    After spending all night in a bar.
    A reindeer leapt out–
    A loose lumbering lout.
    Finnish cops now paint MY ass with tar!

  110. Mary McGarvey says:

    It’s Autobahn driving for me!
    Where car drivers can finally free
    Our inner mad demon
    And become real he-men.
    So what if death ends the quick spree?

  111. Mary McGarvey says:

    Pedestrians love their old fights
    Even when we installed traffic lights.
    Now they walk against red
    And they still wind up dead.
    Now it’s cars which insist on their rights.

  112. Lisi Nortman says:


    First we did the “Disco Twist”
    To my surprise I then was kissed
    It was my very first one
    He called me “Hon”
    I never knew what I had missed

  113. Mary McGarvey says:

    The Chinese driving school of Fook Yu
    Teaches traffic law and car driving, too.
    The only thing lacking
    Is driving while hacking
    On websites if insurance’s past due.

  114. Mary McGarvey says:

    Ignore your Dad’s words and you’ll fail
    Like me, buying old cars on sale.
    The brakes and the wheels
    Were faulty; those deals
    Show you COULD go out, cheap, on the trail.

  115. When you first learn to drive a car
    You are afraid to go very far
    But then you get cheeky
    You start acting freaky
    And think you’re the world’s speedy superstar

  116. Mary McGarvey says:

    The one place that I hate is downtown,
    Where car drivers zoom like a clown.
    A quick sudden left turn
    Puts me in a slow burn–
    I drive chooming to help me calm down.

  117. A man told a story with a surprising twist
    Another comment he could not resist
    A snake was hurting
    It was disconcerting
    So make sure, my friends, you don’t get hissed

  118. Mary McGarvey says:

    My car hates to shift from gear five
    So I stick to the freeway to drive.
    But to exit I must
    Use this gearbox, I trust,
    That will grind if I come out alive.

  119. A friend simply can’t let a friend
    Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
    It’s a car if you must,
    But believe me: it’s just
    A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.

    When the time comes for parking it, though,
    It has an advantage to show:
    Wherever you are,
    You can just pop the car
    In its own glove compartment, and go.

  120. Diane Groothuis says:

    A call girl was doing the twist
    And leaned forward to have her butt kissed
    But the sly dog below
    Said “My girl you don’t go
    You’re not even on the short list”

  121. Diane Groothuis says:

    Young Tom had a nice licorice twist
    And he hid it where nobody wist
    But a small cheeky mouse
    Got into his house
    And he ate it. Boy Tommy was pissed.

  122. Suzanne Heymann says:

    This tale has another strange twist
    Mr. Mouse found more treats Tommy missed
    He can’t help but savour
    That licorice flavor
    Of condoms; he just can’t resist!

  123. Dave Johnson says:

    A jovial fellow named Farr
    Has a habit of closing the bar.
    He’ll joke ’till the end
    With a very new friend
    Who should ask for the keys to his car.

  124. Dave Johnson says:

    They thought their new auto was nice,
    With its voice-activated device.
    When they took a big trip,
    The machine made a slip;
    It called them both idiots twice.

  125. Suzanne Heymann says:

    We poets, too few, did exist
    Almost got Mad’s site shut down, dismissed
    You don’t know what you’ve got
    Till it’s gone, you dumb lot
    Now there’s so many more who enlist.

    It’s biweekly now, that should subsist
    To help make normal numbers persist
    But this week has one twenty
    That’s way more than plenty
    This plot – it just got a new twist.

    Soon two hundred will make up Mad’s list
    She’ll need someone to help and assist
    Chance of winning looks bleak
    By the end of next week
    Well, some good ones might have to be dissed.

    Each poet wants victory kissed
    And called a great limericist
    A nice balance seems distant
    At least be consistent
    Or the overworked judge will be pissed!

  126. Byron Ives says:

    In the back seat, he unzipped her zipper
    On his way down, he’d kiss ‘er and nip ‘er
    And under the hatch
    She sighed, “Like my snatch?”
    “Baby,” he said, “It’s a kipper
    ……I mean keeper! Really, a keeper!….
    It was just a slip of the tongue, honest!”

  127. Mary McGarvey says:

    IRS put me on their hit list
    With fines slapped not just on the wrist.
    I groaned and I moaned
    I felt whipped, ripped and stoned.
    Bloodsuckers got my guts in a twist.

    The next thing I knew I was flat
    On my back at the shrink’s for a chat.
    He asked, “did they reem you?
    Did they wax you and steam you?”
    “Now it’s you I can’t pay and that’s that!”😝

  128. Lisi Nortman says:


    I have finally completed my bucket list
    Which includes some things that I have missed:
    Fly a plane
    Try cocaine
    And of course learn the twist

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m deeply involved in a tryst
    With this man I cannot exist
    We meet at a motel
    He casts a spell
    Then we go home; that’s the twist

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    At Dairy Land you can get a “twist”
    It’s vanilla and chocolate: can’t be missed
    Don’t drop you cone
    Or talk on your phone
    If you do, they really get pissed

  131. Dave Johnson says:

    In their hippy days, most would agree,
    The lifestyles were simple and free.
    But now at the mall
    In the very next stall,
    They’re parking some huge SUV.

  132. Randy Wagner says:

    Kim Kardashian West can’t be missed
    Since she cunningly cannot resist
    Setting Twitter ablaze.
    Snubbing social mores,
    She tweets tripe with a T&A twist.

    Her strategy’s deft. Here’s the gist:
    She knows sinuous heft will enlist
    Men to guiltily stare
    At her ass (vast and bare)
    As their scruples, bereft of soul, twist.

    Here’s a final and personal twist:
    My Kardashy fixations persist.
    In spite of a push
    To stop craving her tush,
    I’m a Kim-lusting recidivist!

  133. Dave Johnson says:

    In Ashland, I drive down a street;
    Earth Jen’s on her bicycle seat.
    Not much of a prude,
    She rides the bike nude;
    Her boobies are keeping a beat.

    She seems to be just having fun;
    Perhaps to surprise everyone.
    The traffic slows down
    With nary a frown;
    Her moment to shine in the sun.

  134. Randy Wagner says:

    Madeleine, could you add these two lims to my previous entry?

    Her strategy’s deft. Here’s the gist:
    She knows sinuous heft will enlist
    Men to guiltily stare
    At her ass (vast and bare)
    As their scruples, bereft of soul, twist.

    Here’s a final and personal twist:
    My Kardashy fixations persist.
    In spite of a push
    To stop craving her tush,
    I’m a Kim-lusting recidivist!

    From MBK: Done.

  135. Lisi Nortman says:


    He told a story with a surprising twist
    Another tale he could not resist
    A snake was hurting
    It was disconcerting
    So make sure, my friends, you don’t get hissed

  136. Randy Wagner says:

    Madeleine: Unfortunately, you appended it to Dave’s, not my, limerical tale.

    MBK: Fixed. Sorry about that!

  137. Randy Wagner says:

    I’d like to pay homage to Dave Johnson’s perky biker above with this little ditty:

    A modern-day Lady Godiva,
    Jen knows her nude biking will drive a
    Commuter to drool
    And produce a deep pool
    Of erotica-triggered saliva.

  138. Mary mcgarvey says:

    Obama’s our health optimist.
    He jogs airplane steps anarchist
    Ically ramrod straight
    He does not take the bait
    To fake a “peace” Nixon wave or the twist.

  139. Mary mcgarvey says:

    Now Let us all praise Communists.
    Without them we’d be on black lists.
    –can’t sell a film or book
    And our jobs on the hook.
    We’d have lives like Oliver Twist’s.

    So alas we would have to enlist
    In that army: Slaves of capitalist
    Enterprise we would be,
    Paid a weekly salary.
    Beats the gulag or the Russian rope’s twist!

  140. Well, here’s a peculiar twist:
    My dad, growing old, reminisced
    And grew wistful with age.
    But I find, at this stage,
    I am thoroughly empty of wist.

    (NB: not autobiographical.)

  141. Randy Wagner says:

    The physics course took on a twist
    When the lecturer chose to insist,
    “Length’s unit of measure,
    A meter, gives pleasure
    Unless you’re a foot fetishist.”

  142. Dave Johnson says:

    Thanks Randy for your funny addition to my Earth Jen post. It’s a true story that actually happened a few years ago. She made quite an impression around town while she was there.

  143. Byron Ives says:

    My friend thinks he might be psychotic,
    Or a perve, or wildly neurotic
    He grows a big chub
    When he drives his V-Dub
    I told him he’s ‘autoerotic’.

  144. Dave Johnson says:

    At a party, they’re doing the Twist;
    And the Limbo they cannot resist.
    Then sometime tomorrow,
    They’ll discover in sorrow
    Ibuprofen is not in their midst.

  145. Dave Johnson says:

    He was driving while sending a text;
    Multi-tasking, the way he connects.
    His focus on keys
    Veered the car toward the trees;
    Channel 10 told us what happened next.

  146. William Preston says:


    When I met the next miss on my list,
    the result was a tryst with a twist:
    she surely was thrilling
    and I thought she was willing
    but her fist turned my kiss into grist.

  147. Dave Johnson says:

    He wanted a new Rivera;
    But could only afford a Polara.
    A cartoonist by trade,
    His achievement was made
    While drawing for Hanna-Barbara.

  148. Allen Wilcox says:

    Sir Lawrence just had to insist
    He play Fagin and make him exist
    As never before.
    So to give the role more,
    He gave it an Olivier twist.

  149. Allen Wilcox says:

    Colonel Flagg was constantly pissed
    And he gave the M*A*S*H story a twist
    It may be that he sinned,
    And that he wasn’t the wind,
    But, if not, there’s no doubt he’ll be mist.

    Episode Reference: “The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan”

  150. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Coffee shops are not tops on my list
    They’re a place I have always dismissed
    So you can’t seduce me
    With a coffee or tea
    But my weakness – a cinnamon twist!

    In the stores they don’t seem to exist
    (Is there some other place that I’ve missed?)
    When I bake some, no doubt
    The damn things don’t turn out
    So I just lay about, feeling pissed!

    My wish isn’t love/to be kissed
    Or money bags hung from my wrist
    The magical powers
    Ain’t diamonds or flowers
    I’m yours for a – cinnamon twist!

  151. Lisi Nortman says:


    The instructions said, “wring and twist”
    I tried so hard, I hurt my wrist
    She still had it on
    It was silk chiffon“
    No longer WILL we co-exist”

  152. Suzanne Heymann says:


    I once had an Opel GT
    The one made in ’73
    The color – sky blue
    And her nickname rang true –
    ‘The Poor Man’s Corvette’ – fine with me!

    This baby helped me get my license
    Which I paid for by earning my own cents
    Growing up (not too fast)
    While these life skills would last
    As I also paid gas and insurance.

    The RPM needle was revvin’
    The speed, the smooth ride was just heaven
    This one model was rare
    So the townsfolk would stare
    When I stopped at the 7-Eleven.

    I learned maintenance, used the odd tool
    Although people would think that was cool
    Getting all this attention
    Was not my intention
    Just drove me the five miles to school.

    Just 4 cylinders, man she could fly!
    In a green blur, the trees all whizzed by
    The car, which I’d swerve
    Hugged the road at each curve
    Oh she had enough nerve not to die!

    The potential for high speed – a curse
    I thought I’d end up in a hearse
    When once chased by a cop
    I outran (didn’t stop)
    ‘Cause the wrath of my Pop would be worse!

    She drove where I needed to go
    To school, church, or some burlesque show
    It would be so sublime
    To be pulled back in time
    Just to once again climb in and GO!

  153. Lisi Nortman says:

    Please change above last line from No longer can we co-exist to “No longer WILL we co-exist”
    Thank You

  154. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the CAR-Themed Limerick Winner and to the Honorable Mention winners.

    Limerick-Off Award 250.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Seal.