Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PALE or PAIL or IMPALE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using PALE or PAIL or IMPALE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write a themed limerick related to DOGS and/or CATS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best dog and/or cat-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on January 24th, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 23, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A maritime lawyer from Yale
Feels his int’rest in law start to pale.
He’s filled with regret,
For he’s drowning in debt–
So at sea in his field, he can’t bail.

Please feel free to write your own limerick(s) using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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137 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PALE or PAIL or IMPALE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. Marty Gerendasy says:

    When it rains cats and dogs mixed with hail,
    You’ll be smart if you look for a pail.
    If you can’t find a real one
    Just go out and steal one.
    I’ll be happy to put up your bail.

  2. The response of the typical male
    Is to turn the palest of pale,
    When informed by his wife,
    The love of his life,
    How much she has saved at the sale.

  3. Brian Allgar says:

    Our puppy would try to impale
    Every creature possessing a tail.
    This libidinous habit,
    When tried with a rabbit,
    Anatomically just had to fail.

  4. In my youth, I was thin as a rail,
    But today I resemble a whale.
    I attribute my size
    Less to burgers and fries
    Than “small” sodas that come in a pail.


    When I met me gal Gail, I was hale.
    Now I’m pallid and palsied and pale.
    It’s ironic, I know:
    When that Gail starts to blow,
    It takes the wind out o’ me sail.

  6. My meter’s OK, but I quail
    Over rhyme ’til I’m sweaty and pale;
    I take buckets of time
    Coming up with a rhyme,
    But when pen comes to paper, I flunk.


  7. Judith H. Block says:

    With rouge on her cheeks, she’s not pale,
    Just look, she is one hot female!
    The tricks of the trade
    She knows are well played
    Her age, “39” will prevail.

  8. Judith H. Block says:

    The sex was way beyond the pale,
    The orgasms, way off the scale
    The memories, profound
    The feelings, astound
    Did it happen, or one huge, tall tale?

  9. An apocryphal Biblical tale
    Says Christ drank from a leaky old pail.
    Cried James, “Though I’m sure
    That Thou lovest the poor…
    Jesus Christ, that is one Holey Grail!”

  10. The Bundy crowd should be in jail,
    Or be sent out of town on a rail…
    But the Law lets them linger,
    And won’t lift a finger:
    You see, their complexions are pale.

  11. Kirk Miller says:

    The tire store ads surely will fail.
    The salesman’s face turns rather pale
    ‘Cause the wording they had
    On the sign was quite bad:
    We’re having a big blow-out sale.

  12. Kirk Miller says:

    Woman looked very pallid and pale;
    When she died, her blind husband named Dale
    Said her eulogy was
    Very touching because
    He was able to read it in Braille.

  13. Today’s GOP turns me pale:
    Their hatred is straight off the scale.
    I’m starting to long
    For the days of that strong
    Intellectual statesman, Dan Quayle.

  14. Kirk Miller says:

    If you don’t know who John Muir was, these two limericks won’t make sense.

    Conservationist’s kitten was sprawled
    By the toilet, its owner recalled.
    When I asked, “What’s its name?”
    Said the owner of fame,
    “A John Mewer is what it is called.”

    “What’s the name of the forest,” said Monique,
    “Where some kittens now live by a creek?
    There are trees of wood red
    In this forest,” she said.
    “Mewer Woods is the answer I seek.”

  15. Judith H. Block says:

    There’s a hole in that bucket, that pail.
    If filled, there’d be a watery trail.
    We’ve nothing to fix it.
    In all of our tool kit.
    And that’s why it’s up for re-sale.

  16. “Free” speech runs according to scale,
    Says the Court. The amount you can pay’ll
    Give your measure of Speech.
    So the lesson they teach
    Is our Government’s truly for sale.

  17. (I seem to be feeling political today…)

    What Republicans say on the trail
    Goes beyond (how ironic!) the Pale.
    When ev’ryone’s stump speech
    Sounds just like a Trump speech,
    God help us if they should prevail.

  18. “Although I am breathless and pale
    From the effort of all my travail,
    I have almost,” I said,
    “Got one foot out of bed —
    The conquering hero, all hail!”

  19. Lisi Nortman says:

    I used this one before, but anyone with a dog will relate:

    If you throw a dog a stick
    He’ll retrieve it mighty quick
    But take heed, my friend
    It will NEVER END
    Till you want to kill that mutt with a brick

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    My sightless lover looked pale
    When he finally got out of jail
    But his face got pink
    When we got in sync
    And he noticed the braille on my tail

  21. Marty Gerendasy says:

    Re Dogs and/or cats:

    When your cats or dogs jump on your bed
    And start doing a dance on your head,
    You may think that they’re playing.
    But what they’re really saying
    Is “Hey get up, we wanna be fed!”

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    They stare out the window all day
    Guarding your home square away
    Then the UPS guy
    Tries to say, “Hi”
    But by now Fido’s far far away

  23. Mark Kane says:

    At the nude beach the regulars rail
    At the newbies who follow their trail.
    They’ll claim that they go
    Very often, although
    Certain parts are suspiciously pale.

  24. The skin tone that tends to prevail
    At a Donald Trump rally is… pale,
    Like Klansmen for Don
    Chanting “We’re Number Wan!”
    (I sense an electoral fail.)

    NOTE: If you’d prefer to rhyme “wan” with “man” (as Poe does), you may want to substitute this for the inner lines:

    Like a group from the Klan
    Chanting “We’re Number Wan!”


    O’er a bottle of good Polish ale,
    Young Tadeusz told me the tale
    Of a cow he once had
    That was thoroughly mad,
    And that hated his shiny new pail.

    Poor Tadeusz told me of how,
    At each morning’s milking, the cow
    Would catch sight of the pail
    And start twitching her tail;
    Then she’d kick him, and lay him out — POW!

    That dairy cow’s rages and piques
    Went on, not for days, but for weeks.
    The farmer was now
    Quite afraid of his cow,
    And the color drained out of his cheeks.

    Then Tadeusz thought of a trick:
    To the end of a very long stick
    He fastened the bucket;
    Then swiftly he stuck it
    Beneath her. The cow didn’t kick.

    This story sounds silly and droll,
    But it’s perfectly true, ‘pon my soul!
    Ask those hereabout,
    And they’ll tell you, no doubt,
    The Tale of the Pale Pole’s Pail Pole.

  26. Kirk Miller says:

    People think that these words are quite terse,
    ‘Cause they state that there’s nothing that’s worse
    Than a poem ’bout cats.
    It is twisted, and that’s
    The sole reason they say it’s purr-verse.

  27. When Jonah was inside the whale
    He found himself turning quite pale
    He knew without fail
    Those ribs could impale
    So he set up his digs in the tail

  28. The mail order bride wore a veil
    When lifted, the groom turned quite pale
    From pale he turned green
    She’d arrived sight unseen
    He shipped her back C.O.D. mail

  29. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    Granny’s Grail

    Don’t try to impale on a pail!” 
    My grandmother’s wise holy grail
    Trying to buck it
    Virgins who took it
    On top of a bucket
    Forever kept telling the tale
    Whailing willy was big as a whale
    (Imploded limerick)

  30. There was a leak within my pail
    I tried to fix it with a nail
    Not one, but six
    It would not fix
    My Ad reads, shower head for sale


    Of Prince Vlad, they tell many a tale —
    How his deeds made his enemies quail!
    He made, it is told,
    A stake of pure gold,
    An ambassador for to impale.

    The ambassador, showing no sign
    Of his fear, said, “This poor life of mine
    To your honor is owed.
    But for me, O Voyvod,
    A stake of pure gold is too fine,”

    A smile lit Vlad Dracula’s eyes.
    He told the ambassador, “Rise!
    Your life I shall spare.
    You’ll live long in my care,
    For I see you’re a brave man, and wise!”

  32. scott says:

    I heard my love let out a wail
    and knew she was fast turning pale
    I’d heard it before
    and told her once more
    “my dear, stay away from the scale.”

  33. They want what you eat; they won’t quit
    They stare and chomp at the bit
    You wonder if wheat
    Is a proper treat
    Give me a break: they go out and eat shit

  34. Mad: previous limerick”

    Please change give MA a break to give ME a break
    Thank you

    (MBK: Done.)

  35. Nate Levin says:

    The candidates–by and large–“pale”–
    The big crooks not close to a jail–
    Yes our system is lacking
    In common sense backing–
    But America’s too big to fail!

  36. Dogs like to poop in the grass
    It’s where they put their ass
    But when covered with snow
    And they’ve no where to go
    They simply must take a pass


    Though “Rifftrax” is great, we should hail
    Other comics who blazed the same trail.
    So let me extol you,
    Frank Conniff, Trace Beaulieu,
    Joel Hodgson and Mary Jo Pehl!

  38. Brian Allgar says:

    She appeared to be fragile and frail,
    Anorexic, anaemic and pale.
    But her looks were misleading,
    And when she was feeding
    On cock, she could blow like a whale.

  39. Brian Allgar says:

    Though at times she was mentally foggy
    And to think about sex made her groggy,
    This featherbrained dish
    Insisted “No mish!”
    For her pussy, she knew, preferred doggy.

  40. Brian Allgar says:

    Prince Vlad said “I do not impale
    My enemies, that’s just a tale.
    But it’s true that I get
    Quite a tasty brochette
    When I skewer a child like a quail.”

  41. Brian Allgar says:

    Don Giovanni, a lecherous male,
    Loved to sing of the girls he’d impale,
    But his screams when he fell
    To the fires of Hell
    Were right off the musical scale,

  42. Brian Allgar says:

    Our painter brought lunch in a pail,
    But his sight was beginning to fail,
    And he chose the wrong bucket,
    So now our walls – fuck it! –
    Are painted with curry and ale.

  43. Brian Allgar says:

    He looked for a fine piece of tail
    That he hoped to seduce and impale,
    But he ended, alas,
    Right up his own ass –
    He’s hermaphrodite, being a snail.


    Chewie stares out the window every day
    Protecting her family square away
    But then comes the thunder
    And she’s torn asunder
    To a strange galaxy, far far away



    Chewie stares out the window every day
    Protecting her family; does not go astray
    But then comes the thunder
    And she’s torn asunder
    To a strange galaxy, far far away

  46. Daisy Mae Simon says:

    ITS ANIMALS ARE TREATED” –Mahatma Ghandi–

    If you’re not into animals, fine
    As long as you’re never unkind
    For the cruelty I’ve seen
    On such innocent beings
    Makes me angry and anti-mankind

    There is only one dangerous breed
    And it’s humans, the species of greed
    There’s no justification
    For annihilation
    Woe to those who impose such misdeed.

  47. I *like* being flabby and pale.
    With cynical laughter I’d wail
    If scientists learned
    Heat from exercise turned
    Something carcinogenic in kale.

  48. @Daisy Mae —

    OT, but you reminded me: I wrote this for my cat Violet, who was abused and abandoned, was captured as feral, underwent a botched attempt at ear-tipping that mangled her ear, got sent to an abusive shelter and locked in a damp, dim basement, came to us, had four or five years of a happy life, and then died suddenly in 2005…

    Triolets for Violet

    The more I know mankind,
    The more I love my cats.
    The less to love I find
    The more I know mankind.
    I have in heart and mind,
    One firm belief, and that’s
    The more I know mankind,
    The more I love my cats.

    The more I know my pet
    The less I think of humans.
    So proud we are, and yet
    The more I know my pet,
    The failings we forget
    Comparison illumines;
    The more I know my pet
    The less I think of humans.

  49. Daisy Mae Simon says:


    One dog sports a mighty small tail
    While another’s appendage prevails
    But it’s not about size
    It’s the WAG that’s the prize
    And no wag may mean that a dog’s pale.

  50. Tim James says:

    He got stopped by a cop. Turning pale,
    He attempted a bribe to dodge jail.
    But it didn’t quite work
    ‘Cause the poor, clueless jerk
    Didn’t notice the doughnuts were stale.

  51. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    There was a young cat with a score
    who died walking through a wide door
    he slipped on a mat
    set up by a rat
    Who slammed shut the door with a roar.

    (Yes. I know rats don’t roar)

  52. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    There was an old dog quite a bore
    who tended to fart through his snore
    his owner set forth
    To send him up north
    so, he bit him to even the score.

  53. I used to dream critics would hail
    My Tschaikowsky. And now I sit, pale,
    In a dim little flat,
    Teaching brat after brat
    How to fumble a C-major scale.

  54. (OK, this might be stretching a little too far…)

    Ted Cruz is all smarmy and payall —
    Eddie Munster as played by Rik Mayall.
    His statements are vile,
    And made worse by a smile
    With the charm of a poisonous snayall.


    Chewie loves a ride in the car
    She looks out the window like a movie star
    We go around the street
    Repeat and repeat
    As far as she’s concerned, we’ve gone very far

    I Used the word far TWICE!

    Chewie loves a ride in the car
    She looks out the window like a movie star
    We go around the street
    Repeat and repeat
    In her opinion, we’ve gone very far!

  57. Tim James says:

    His stories of sex made mine pale;
    He described all the gals, without fail.
    “I was with one last night
    Over six-four in height!”
    That struck me as quite a tall tail.

  58. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Well HERE’S a tale making HIS pale
    My friend banged a mermaid named Gayle
    Had a whale of a time
    But the only sad crime
    Was the blow hole was covered full-scale.

  59. There was a young man named Dale
    Who decided to impale a snail
    Its body was slimy
    Poor Dale said ”Oh Blimey”
    I just speared a hole in my pail”

  60. Val Fish says:

    That Transylvanian tale
    Of Dracula (known to impale)
    Was inspired by Prince Vlad
    Oh boy was he bad
    His heinous crimes right off the scale

  61. David Reddekopp says:

    The rain once was canine and feline
    While everyone else made a beeline
    For the door, I stood, witless
    For I was scared shitless
    But in my pants I made a pee line.

    Even so, I was not prepared when
    The rain became stranger, again
    Thought some girls would be nice
    (Not of sugar, but spice)
    But no dice, for it’s just raining men.

  62. If cats could talk,here’s what they’d say
    It’s our house but we’ll let you stay
    If you feed us fillet
    At least once a day
    don’t worry, we won’t stray away


    She hides her toy under the bed
    But wants YOU to fetch it instead
    She keeps doing it again
    Till the time comes when: you saw off its legs
    Till it’s flush to the floor

  64. Mark Kane says:

    So you’re back from your sunny day sail,
    And I see you’re still pasty and pale.
    Now I wonder, oh heck,
    Did you stay below deck,
    Drinking ale as you nailed some tail?

  65. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Though his rep would cause most folks to quail,
    He was merely your typical male,
    An impenitent cad,
    Cuz it seems that young Vlad
    Was just seeking some babes to impale.

  66. Kristin Smith says:

    This is from Phyllis Sterling Smith:

    I think it is cruel to impale
    Little worms on your fishing hook. They’ll
    Not have a choice
    Since they haven’t a voice
    With which they can weep and can wail.

  67. Marty Gerendasy says:

    When I’m thirsty, I like a good ale
    By the pitcher, the yard or the pail.
    But drinking too much
    Will just get me in Dutch,
    And I’d probably wind up in jail.

  68. Don Lee says:

    Pail, Impale, Pale Leemricks 1/17/16/DCLEE

    Just pick up the pail
    then high tail
    it to the well
    and ring the bell
    so we can set sail

    If I were to impale
    the heart of the matter to you, you’d wail
    then we’d have to start over
    like a game of red rover
    just back and forth with no sale

    My dear today you look pale
    what happened to your sale
    did the buyer back out
    well, you know he was a no-account
    are your coffers now an empty pail?

    Well, call when you’re out of jail
    I’ll buy a boat and we’ll set sail
    to a far off land
    join a rock and roll band
    and make millions to fill our pail

    So up the hill they carried a pail
    at least that’s the way I heard the tale
    then one fell down
    like a circus clown
    and the other turned ghastly pale

    So if I were to tell you this tale
    you’d be so scared you’d turn pale
    then you’d lose so much sleep
    even if you counted a 1,000 sheep
    and probably send me to jail

  69. Darling, hurry and get me a pail
    I need to throw up your “salade a la kale”
    You used too much cumin
    I don’t feel human
    Tomorrow we’ll go to “Steak and Ale”

  70. Don Lee says:

    To the chief we all hail
    guide our ship with full sail
    we’ll do all we can
    to help with his plan
    and fill his bucket list pail by pail.

  71. Brian Allgar says:

    Will, that’s a heart-rending account of the life of your poor cat. I agree that humans are frequently vile. Still, if we can give another being – animal or human – a few years of happiness, that’s something.

    Will told us a terrible tale
    Of poor Violet, frightened and frail.
    But, determined to save her,
    The life that he gave her
    Shows we’re not all beyond the pale.

  72. Brian Allgar says:

    Our dog shows affection and pride
    As he licks my wife’s face side to side,
    Especially her nose,
    For the little chap knows
    There’s a fine, tasty bone just inside.

  73. Fred Bortz says:

    Our high moral standards prevail.
    We never have need for a jail.
    You always can trust us
    To execute justice.
    In ISIS, you sin, we impale.

  74. Fred Bortz says:

    To Trump on the stump, it’s “No sale!
    Your pronouncements, though meant to regale,
    Are crass and uncouth,
    And to tell you the truth,
    You’re beyond this American’s Pale.”

  75. Ufudu says:

    When the limerick writing young quail
    Lost direction and started to flail,
    She invoked the great borrow
    That generated much sorrow
    In the sea-sick pale lawyer from Yale.

    Her dog, neither sad, lost nor sorry
    Whose collar ensured fleas weren’t a worry,
    Would sniff wide, high and low
    And nowhere would not go.
    In singleminded pursuit of his quarry.

  76. Brian Allgar says:

    “A dog’s life”, they say. Well, just think:
    Fed and housed, and with plenty to drink,
    No work, only play,
    Lengthy naps every day –
    Who wouldn’t exchange in a wink?


    “Chewie’s Game”

    Chewie hides her toys under the bed
    And wants YOU to fetch them instead
    What a clever chien
    But time and again
    We need this game like a hole in the head

  78. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    One day my Maltese caught a whiff
    Of some bitch and then said with a sniff,
    “She’s not of my breed
    But I know what I need:
    A great dame that will make my mast stiff.”

  79. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    My dog, though he’s quick, ain’t a greyhound,
    And he’s not, without training, a stay hound,
    But he thinks that his job
    Is to fetch what I lob,
    Which, of course, makes him ace as a play hound.

  80. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Though I so love my bulldog—he’s British—
    Is his pedigree even legitish?
    Sure, he seems to be bold
    When the bearskin’s unrolled,
    But on BARE floors, that fool dog is skiddish.

  81. The Bundy man started to rail
    ‘Gainst the dicks he got sent in the mail:
    “Look! A big phony schlong!
    Wait a minute — I’m wrong —
    It’s a mirror,” he said, turning pale.

  82. Cats, aloof? Why, there isn’t a pellet
    Of truth in the tale as they tell it,
    For they’ll jump into bed
    And they’ll sit on your head,
    Purring,”This is my butt — come and smell it!”

  83. If your puppy-dog constantly chews
    Through one of each pair of your shoes,
    He’s just taking care
    That your feet should be bare
    When you step into one of his poos.


    My love for my dog was a true one,
    And the day that she died was a blue one;
    But she left so much hair
    On my sofa and chair
    That I sat down and knit me a new one.

  85. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    My kids found a cat that was scruffy,
    And at first, I was pretty darn huffy,
    But they washed him real well,
    And then dried him a spell—
    In the dryer. I love our cat fluffy.

  86. Dave Johnson says:

    Some campaign pronouncements entail
    The absurd, like “I didn’t inhale…”
    But out on the stump,
    What we’re hearing from Trump
    Should get shoveled and dumped in a pail.

  87. Dave Johnson says:

    Someone walking a dog
    That drops a big log
    Has to reach for a bag and go scoop it.
    My solution is crass;
    Tape the bag to its ass
    And then it’s right there to recoup it.

  88. At times, when the going was tough —
    When I felt that enough was enough,
    And I’d want to give up —
    I would look at my pup…
    And my pup looked at me, and said, “Wuff.”

    When my patience was truly worn through,
    And I just didn’t know what to do,
    In my fuddle and fog
    I would turn to my dog,
    And my pup, looking up, said, “Aroo.”

    In the midst of an awful kerfuffle,
    When rest was as rare as a truffle
    And no peace could be found,
    I would turn to my hound,
    And my dog turned to me, and said, “Wuffle.”

    And should I confront the abyss —
    When it seemed my whole life was amiss,
    And I wanted to bawl —
    She’d say nothing at all:
    Just come over, and give me a kiss.

    My dog has long since passed away.
    But after a terrible day
    When troubles betide me,
    She’s still here beside me,
    And still knows the right thing to say.

  89. Dave Johnson says:

    Will T. – That is epic.

  90. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I kept all my pets in a pail,
    And I fed them each day without fail.
    Then a cat ate my hake,
    My crab, and sea snake,
    But where in the hell is my whale?

  91. Allen Wilcox says:

    The report card he held made him pale.
    His son had quite clearly set sail.
    To return him to shore,
    He yelled with a roar,
    “You must get better grades without fail.”

  92. Kirk Miller says:

    To identify dogs, we agree
    That a strap ’round the neck is the key.
    Has the owner’s last name;
    The phone number of same.
    This technique is named “collar ID.”

  93. Kirk Miller says:

    Out in Texas, a cowpoke named Sid
    Took to heart words from songs as a kid.
    Bought a dachshund one day
    ‘Cause the lyrics did say:
    “Get a long little doggie.” He did.

  94. Brian Allgar says:

    When my neighbour announced his vile plan,
    I thought him a terrible man.
    “Gonna repaint the cat,
    Then I’ll sand it down flat” –
    But it’s only his catamaran.

  95. Dave Johnson says:

    When Jack and Jill hiked up the trail,
    For appearance, they’d carry a pail.
    But that tumbling sound
    Came after they found
    The ledge for their love nest could fail.

  96. Dave Johnson says:

    With Sarah, The Donald will pale
    While stumping with her on the trail.
    Unintelligible warbles
    She rolls out like marbles;
    “Campaigning for Dummies” we’ll hail.

  97. Sanaa Rizvi says:

    Kitty cat why you so pale
    Stumbling upon the snowy trail
    Around tiniest corners and mail
    Seem to have your head impaled.

  98. From the distance I heard a wail
    It was my construction guy Dale
    “There’s a nail in my neck
    I’m a total wreck”
    No wonder he looked so pale

  99. “1945”

    My Darling you look so pale
    And I noticed you also seem frail
    All I did was suggest
    After we got undressed
    We would enjoy a nice coffin nail

  100. Chewie loves a knish
    It’s her most favorite dish
    But when her anus is filled
    She needs to be drilled
    We always know: she smells like fish


    Chewie loves a knish
    It’s her VERY favorite dish
    But when her anus is filled
    She needs to be “drilled”
    We always know, ‘CAUSE she smells like fish

  102. David Reddekopp says:

    Whenever I drink, without fail
    I always inhale too much ale
    The bathroom’s barf bucket
    Is where I upchuck it
    I puke in a porcelain pail.

  103. Kirk Miller says:

    “Threw a stick in the river,” said Fred.
    “Told my dog to go fetch; off he sped.
    Swam three miles to the stick,
    And he brought it back quick.”
    “That is much too far-fetched,” people said.

  104. Kirk Miller says:

    At the border, dog does inspection
    Of all cargo, and its intention
    Is to sniff out the drugs
    That are smuggled by thugs.
    Dog’s the scenter of their attention.


    From the distance I heard a wail
    The scream was distinctly male
    “Help me please; I’ve a spike in my neck
    I’m passing out; I’m a total wreck”
    I guess that’s why he was pale

  106. Judith H. Block says:

    The greatest love’s for le chien
    He’ll bark, though you’ll always know when.
    He’s steadfast and true
    Though you’re slippers, he’ll chew
    Then he’ll kiss you again and again.

  107. Dave Johnson says:

    For Henry, the night was a fail;
    Spent chasing and trying to nail
    A pretty young thing
    Who noticed his ring
    Left a circle that’s narrow and pale.

  108. David Reddekopp says:

    A man once had sex, and so that’s
    Why he’s virgin no more – and congrats!
    But why have the lay
    At the SPCA?
    He said, “I love pussy, and cats”.

    Oh, and Mad, in my Jan 15 submission, could you swap “thought” in for “though” in L8? Please and thank you.

    From MBK: Done.

  109. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    He has been such a strong healthy dog
    Ever since he was found in that bog.
    And he’s such a delight,
    Though he’s not all that bright:
    Throw a stick and he’ll fetch you a log.

  110. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Lemme tell you this right off the bat:
    Seems my dog has just eaten your cat.
    Though I think it a shame,
    My poor mutt’s not to blame—
    You should not let a cat get so fat.

  111. Allen Wilcox says:

    The hare’s speed was upsetting the tale.
    The tortoise was starting to pale.
    Thought he, “I must switch,
    Be the son of a bitch,
    So I think I’ll go race me a snail.”

  112. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A showerhead ordered by mail
    Consists of white bucket and nail
    Hang it up like a wreath
    And poke holes underneath
    That is how you impale a pale pail.

  113. Suzanne Heymann says:

    An old Roman emp’ror, quite frail
    Was shaky and feeble and pale
    A spasmodic sneezer
    And convulsive wheezer
    That old geezer “Hail Seizure, hail!”

  114. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I’ve got a real magical pail
    I just might put the thing up for sale
    Place it over your head
    Under water you’ll tread
    It will let you inhale and exhale.

  115. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The crooks who stay free in some jail
    Should get nothing but bread that is stale
    The water, just soil it
    Don’t bother to boil it
    And make sure the toilet’s a pail.

    Make the slammer a hell without bail
    Any bribes to the guards will all fail
    Toughest rules should fulfil
    So that prison life will
    Make the meanest of convicts turn pale.

    Show some mercy though, let it avail
    But do it upon the same scale
    Hand it out ev’ry day
    Just as much as did they
    Give their victims whom they did impale.

  116. Suzanne Heymann says:

    My dog and my curious ferret
    Together they both caught a parrot
    Had no feathers, was marred
    It was orange and hard
    Disregard the damn thing; it’s a carrot.

  117. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A steak that I salted and peppered
    Was given to my German Shepherd
    But the steak wasn’t beef
    And it gave me some grief
    When I found out the meat’s really leopard.

  118. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Some folks think there’s something quite regal
    ‘Bout a fox chased by many a beagle
    It’s silly and wasteful
    And frankly, distasteful
    The act should be bloody illegal.

  119. Suzanne Heymann says:

    I once had two drunk Cocker Spaniels
    That spilled and lapped up my Jack Daniel’s
    They then tore up, did drag
    A big white sugar bag
    On the floor and ate up all the granules.

  120. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A friend of mine has a Jack Russell
    That dog’s full of hustle and bustle
    He jumps super high
    Almost touching the sky
    ‘Cause each leg has a spring-boarded muscle.

  121. Dave Johnson says:

    A fishing instructor named Dale
    Begins with the line in a pail.
    It won’t be much later
    This true master baiter
    Will dangle his fly without fail.

  122. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Well, someone was using their noodle
    When they crossed a Lab dog with a poodle
    A guide dog it could be
    And it’s allergen-free
    What’s the name of this dog? Labradoodle!

  123. Suzanne Heymann says:

    An alarm system quite avant-garde
    Which is used in a car wrecker’s yard
    Turns all thieves into flinchers
    ‘Cause Doberman Pinschers
    Just shred ’em like shrapnel and shard.

  124. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Do NOT cross a male St. Bernard
    With a female Chihuahua, that’s hard
    On her poor little uterus
    Crying, “Please neuter us!
    Tutor us how to safeguard!”

  125. Dave Johnson says:

    A nasty old parrot named Gus
    Gets mixed up when he starts to cuss.
    Squawking “fumb dother-mucker”
    Then “sirty dockcucker”,
    He wants to “tish the kick” out of us.

  126. Suzanne Heymann says:

    There’s something I’ll never embrace
    Repulsive and so out of place
    After somebody’s mutt
    Finished licking its butt
    It goes licking its master’s whole face.

    Though a dog’s like a sweet diplomat
    I’m afraid that a cat’s where it’s at
    Dogs stink and eat poop
    Bark loud, slobber and snoop
    ‘Tween your legs. Can’t recoup after that!

  127. Phil Graham says:

    Most folks put their wants in a pail
    To be acted on ‘fore their hearts fail
    But I don’t have a bucket list
    Just a big fuck-it list
    Stretching a mile down the trail.

  128. Suzanne Heymann says:

    My Lynxpoint is nice, never naughty
    He’s a dog trapped inside a cat’s body
    He’ll sit, lay, shake paw
    And his scratch-post he’ll claw
    On command — all of that; not too shoddy!

    Nineteen pounds, like a cougary cub
    He won’t turn down a nice bellyrub
    No rodents he’ll slaughter
    But loves bugs and water
    The bathroom sink serves as his tub!

    He likes to gnaw bones and eat eggs
    For treats he just sits up and begs
    He likes to play chase
    Snuggles up ‘gainst my face
    ‘Round my neck, he will wrap his front legs.

    (true story… I wuv my Lynxpoint – a cat breed formed from combining a Tabby with a Siamese Bluepoint – the best!)

  129. Phil Graham says:

    A gal bought a golden retriever
    But found none of her friends would believe ‘er
    When she said, “It is true
    I will not let him screw
    Me but, damn! Can that doggie lick beaver!”

  130. Phil Graham says:

    An Indian whose life was sucking
    Asked the chief, “Why does my name bring yucking?”
    “We are named for first view
    When we pop from squaw’s slough.
    Why is it you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

  131. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Hey Phil! It’s about time you came back!
    We missed your talent!

  132. Phil Graham says:

    Step back when a goat lifts its tail
    It’s a sign that the shit’s gonna sail
    In pellet-like turds
    Much like cottage cheese curds,
    Excepting they’re dark, never pale.

  133. Allen Wilcox says:

    Hard though it is to believe, my last limerick doesn’t include the appropriate words or theme. Would you please insert “pale” for “fail”?

    Note from MBK: Done. :)

  134. Allen Wilcox says:

    “I can’t bark. I can’t pant. I’m not brawn-
    Y.” His therapist said, “Did it dawn
    On you it might be
    ‘Cause you’re feline, you see?”
    “I’m a cat,” he meowed, “Well, doggone!”

  135. Suzanne Heymann says:

    An X-ray technician told Batman
    “Results show that you are a fat man”
    But nobody knew
    That Catwoman sneaked through
    The machine; that is why it’s a cat scan.

  136. Suzanne Heymann says:

    A dog and a cat once got married
    Their love life was hectic and harried
    They fought and had spats
    Just like all dogs and cats
    Till they killed one another, now buried.

  137. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to our Limerick-Off Award Winner, the Dog and/or Cat-Themed Limerick Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and to the Honorable Mention winners: Limerick of the Week 244.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Frank.