Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MAZE or MAIZE or AMAZE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using either MAZE or MAIZE or AMAZE at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A lady felt trapped in a maze
Cuz her job was confusing, and praise
From her boss rarely came.
(He was lib’ral with blame.)
Her malady? Workplace malaise.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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106 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: MAZE or MAIZE or AMAZE at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5”

  1. Adam Stern says:

    “I hate corn!” grumbles Willie. He prays
    That he won’t have to eat it for days.
    But in Ciudad Madero
    He shouts, “Placentero! —
    “It’s maize? I’m amazed!” proclaims Mays.

  2. Adam Stern says:

    There are many and various ways
    Of pronouncing two side-by-side “A’s”.
    A conductor named Lorin
    Was always implorin’:
    “My last name starts ‘Maahs’ and not ‘Mays’.”

  3. Adam Stern says:

    (With respect to the late, great conductor Lorin Maazel.)

  4. David Reddekopp says:

    A man once spent most of his days
    Meandering, running all ways
    Appearing forlorn
    Zucchini and corn
    Entrapped him in a mainly maize maze.

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    “How I love them! Let’s count all the ways”,
    Cried the mistrel, reviewing his lays.
    “Though there’s doggy with Misha
    And mish with Patricia,
    The sweetest of blowjobs is May’s.”

  6. Brian Allgar says:

    To survive the political maze,
    There are rules for these decadent days:
    Just keep cheating and lying,
    Vote-selling and buying –
    In politics, crime always pays.

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    My horse simply never obeys.
    Though I offer him tidbits of maize,
    Sugar lumps and molasses,
    Sweet apples and grasses,
    I never get yeas, only neighs.

  8. Brian Allgar says:

    Her trick never failed to amaze;
    She had learnt to give head for three days
    Sucking dick after dick,
    Never once getting sick,
    Though her eyes sometimes tended to glaze.

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    “This natural food’s just a craze”,
    Says Monsanto. “We’ve bought the okays,
    And our (paid) study shows
    That you won’t get six toes
    From genetically-modified maize.”

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    But with time, the results would amaze,
    And the Chief of Monsanto now prays.
    Since their pesticide lingers,
    He’s grown eight more fingers,
    Plus three where the sun shines no rays.

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    (I see that Adam is continuing the longstanding tradition of musical limericks that began last week …)

    For purists, it often dismays
    That ‘The Threepenny Opera’ still plays.
    They believe Bertolt Brecht
    And Kurt Weill simply wrecked
    The original opera, John Gay’s. *

    * The Beggar’s Opera.

  12. Fred Bortz says:

    Mother Goose had a prurient phase,
    Writing lim’ricks that Mad Kane would praise.
    The best made you horny
    (Though punny and corny)
    Like “Little Boy Blue in the Maize.”

  13. Judith H. Block says:

    It will never cease to amaze
    How the public’s reaction dismays.
    So easy to dupe
    With political poop.
    Zonked out in sugar-fueled haze.

  14. Judith H. Block says:

    I wander in erudite daze
    Navigating a cerebral maze
    Be learned and clever.
    Get sublime word. Whatever.
    And hope that I will get just praise.

  15. Judith H. Block says:

    A labyrinth is not a maze
    It’s meant as a path, not to faze
    Just walk the route
    To be more astute
    And be in a more pensive phase.

  16. Judith H. Block says:

    The pols are all trapped in a maze
    Of deception, that nothing will faze
    All truth’s gone awry
    Gives US a black eye
    It seems that buffoonery pays.

  17. Judith H. Block says:

    She was trapped in a sexual maze.
    It put her in a deep malaise
    She wanted respect
    But they groped and necked
    It seemed all they’d want was good lays.

  18. Adam Stern says:

    My new cook’s from Tijuana. For days
    He’s been serving up platters and trays
    Of fried dough (that’s a “churro”)
    With butter (or, “burro”),
    And cream of corn (“crema de maíz”).

  19. Adam Stern says:

    (For fans of the “Pink Panther” films)

    When the cue-stick laid waste to the baize
    Ballon’s eyebrows did not a jot raise.
    By that point he was so
    Used to dimwit Clouseau
    That his denseness had ceased to amaze.

  20. Judith H. Block says:

    His words never cease to amaze,
    He will always find the right phrase.
    Though sometimes I fumble;
    Instead of walk, stumble.
    He’s there with encouraging praise.

  21. Judith H. Block says:

    The size of his cock did amaze,
    It made her quite speechless, in praise.
    Glee she had to renege
    Cause he was too big-
    She ended up bow-legged for days.

  22. Adam Stern says:

    Carmen’s passion aroused Don José’s;
    Maddalena, Andrea Chénier’s.
    But Aida! She slipped
    Herself into the crypt
    Where she died with her beau, Radamès.

  23. Kirk Miller says:

    The editor has many ways
    To shorten some terms. He’ll amaze
    Folks with what he can do.
    The result: Just a few
    Words that mean the same. He’ll pare a phrase.

  24. Kirk Miller says:

    He embarked on a dieting craze.
    The results never ceased to amaze.
    When he stepped on the scale,
    Loss of weight he would hail.
    It was clear he was changing his weighs.

  25. Kirk Miller says:

    Speculation on oil does amaze.
    Prices fluctuate during the craze.
    When you joke, it is lewd
    If the subject is crude.
    It’s a soar spot to many these days.

  26. Kirk Miller says:

    English language puts people in a daze
    Because homonyms baffle and amaze.
    Here is just one example;
    There are others quite ample.
    The word raise is the antonym of raze.

  27. Adam Stern says:

    There were several dumb blondes in the days
    When most sitcoms were piles of clichés,
    But for IQ in limbo
    (Put otherwise: “bimbo”),
    It’s hard to transcend Elly May’s.

  28. Val Fish says:

    It never ceases to amaze
    How folk park in disabled bays
    When they’re fighting fit
    And don’t give a shit
    They should be ashamed of their ways

  29. Cynthia Kennedy says:

    The good thing about going through this maze,
    Is to be able to sample the maize.
    But, I got off track,
    Now, the day turned black,
    So, I guess I’ll be here for some days.

  30. Cynthia Kennedy says:

    A cow on a farm would not graze,
    Because a horse on the farm was in a rage.
    When the cow grazed left,
    The horse took a step,
    So, the cow went in search of some maize.

  31. Cynthia Kennedy says:

    The chef took some ears of maize,
    And he placed them all neatly on trays.
    When he reached for the butter,
    He saw too much clutter,
    So, he said, I’ll just top them with glaze.

  32. Cynthia Kennedy says:

    Betty Graham was really stuck in her ways,
    When she grew her nice tasty maize.
    She used a special fertilizer,
    And watered it with budweiser,
    And she sprinkled them all with lays.

  33. Cynthia Kennedy says:

    As I looked out the window in a daze,
    I saw a spaceship, a meteor, and two greys.
    As I took a closer look,
    The two greys began to cook,
    A potpourri of potatoes, string beans, and some maize.

  34. John Armstrong says:

    Writing a limerick’s always a maze
    Like growing trees in bonsai trays
    One prunes and nips
    And wires the tips
    Hoping to trigger the “Aha!” gaze

  35. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was caught in a circular maze
    With a rat whose name was Blaise

    We had nothing to do
    So we had some brew

    And BLTs with mayonnaise

  36. David Reddekopp says:

    I’d love if my limericks amaze
    And are able to gain Mad Kane’s praise
    We’re all bravely battlin’
    To impress Madeleine
    Will I win? One of these days.

  37. David Reddekopp says:

    To me, it won’t cease to amaze
    How a priest’s not policed for his ways
    When he buggers boys’ butts?
    Reassignment. That’s nuts
    And the priest, he still preaches, and preys.

  38. May McCray has created a craze.
    But although May’s maize maze may amaze,
    Rose’s rose rows once rose
    Where the maize maze now grows,
    And they’ll raze the maze one of these days.

  39. David Reddekopp says:

    That one’s gonna be tough to beat, Will.

  40. Adam Stern says:

    Oh, the gall of those feigning amaze-
    Ment (the jerks that solicited lays
    On the Madison site).
    This guy says, serves ’em right,
    And suggests, on their vests, scarlet A’s.

  41. Tim James says:

    Strip poker last Friday at May’s!
    She’s a beauty in so many ways:
    Flawless skin, head to toe.
    You ask: how do I know?
    Her full house couldn’t beat my four treys.

  42. Adam Stern says:

    In a third-world health clinic, the craze
    Was for natural childbirth. Delays
    In arrivals of those
    Who knew how the term goes
    Meant Lamaze to the mas was Lamāze.

  43. Ian Graham says:

    The maize farmer’s hoping for lays
    ’Mongst the chicks who get lost in his maze
    But a mad Martian jerk’ll
    Append a crop circle
    And have his strange way with the strays.

  44. scott says:

    whenever I’m caught in a maze
    of beauties, I know where to gaze
    it’s right at my wife
    I value my life
    and want to see my golden days

  45. Adam Stern says:

    (This one’s lacking in taste, and betrays
    My affection for dark turns-of-phrase.)
    Joan of Arc didn’t get
    Any last cigarette,
    But she smoked nonetheless — quelle fumaise!

  46. Adam Stern says:

    If Rachmaninov sets you ablaze
    It’s a cinch you are caught in the maze
    Of his flights virtuoso,
    And moods doloroso,
    And copious Dies iraes.

  47. Adam Stern says:

    Of the Cole Porter songs, “Night and Day’s”
    An exemplar that warrants all praise.
    What? You don’t know it yet?
    Quickly — run out and get
    A recording (perhaps Mel Tormé’s)!

  48. Fred Bortz says:


    On the farm midst the early fall haze,
    Near the fields where you watched cattle graze,
    Your meandering walks
    ‘Tween the towering stalks
    Can’t escape the amazing maize maze.

  49. Fred Bortz says:

    I didn’t see Will’s amazing maize maze equivalent before I posted mine. His wins for sure!

  50. Adam Stern says:

    Pity Spooner his lifelong malaise
    (Mangling even the most basic phrase).
    I’ve a deep-seated hunch
    If a sandwich were lunch,
    He might specify, “No nayommaise.”

  51. Phil Graham says:

    It’s summertime, I love to laze
    By the pool on a plastic strap chaise
    Longue hours I oft lay there
    With fat on display there
    From nibbling those chips made of maize.

  52. Phil Graham says:

    When my old eyes upon a gal gaze
    And I ask, “How about a few lays?”
    Even if she says, “Yes,”
    Once she’s out of her dress
    There’s a diff’rence between ‘cans’ and ‘mays.’

  53. Phil Graham says:

    It’s a known fact that horses can’t graze
    Whenever they’re hooked up to shays
    But once they’re unbridled
    You may find they’ve sidled
    Right up to a manger of maize.

  54. David Reddekopp says:

    Fred, my first entry had a maize maze, and was an acrostic, and I still have a fact’s chance at Fox News of actually winning. I don’t know how I’m supposed to top Will’s entry. That was an impressive five-liner.

    Then again, Mad’s taste has surprised us all before. Even aside from Will’s verse, this week’s submissions have been of mostly high quality. Like yours.

    Oh well, the challenge makes it more fun, and us better limerick writers, I say.

    PS. And like you, I even used the word “meandering”.

  55. David Reddekopp says:

    On election day, Canada prays
    Our PM, Harper, no longer stays
    But Trudeau and Mulcair
    Are full of hot air
    The irrelevant Green Party’s May’s.*

    *Elizabeth May leads Canada’s Green Party. The other three names I mentioned are the only ones with a realistic chance of winning, and the NDP’s Tom Mulcair, imo, seems to me the least objectionable candidate. The election will be held on October 19, 2015. Latest I’ve heard, all three of the candidates were polling above 30%. It’ll be a close one.

  56. Bob Leggett says:

    At my stop for the last few days
    I’ve experienced long delays
    I believe the fuss is
    They’ve routed the buses
    To go via Hampton Court Maize

  57. David Reddekopp says:

    To Kim Davis: It should not amaze
    You your job is in trouble these days
    For you’d license, if straight
    But you’re so full of hate
    That you won’t license marriage for gays.

    Kim Davis is the clerk from Rowan County, Kentucky that is refusing to issue marriage licenses to homosexuals in violation of federal law. The courts have told her specifically to do her job but she still refuses.

    She’s been divorced three times. Jesus had more to say about divorce than about homosexuality (none). She’s a hypocrite and no one should buy her victim act.

  58. Phil Graham says:

    Drugged-up suspects ne’er cease to amaze
    Even after police have to tase
    Them to get them subdued
    They’re combative and rude
    Acting crazed in their meth-induced daze.

  59. Adam Stern says:

    Dear David, I couldn’t agree more. Another case of hatred and ignorance hiding behind a smokescreen of “values” (a misnomer if ever there was one).

  60. David Reddekopp says:

    I don’t understand why she can’t just be relieved of her duties and replaced by someone who will actually do the job.

  61. madkane says:

    (See my update below.)

    David (and Adam) it’s Kentucky, which means that her bosses probably support her egregious bigoted stance.

    And the federal court has no legal right to punish her by firing her. But the fed court can jail her for contempt, which is what was done today. (She won’t be released unless she agrees to follow the law.)

    So unless a higher court reverses the contempt order, which seems highly unlikely to me, she’ll stay there until she caves or resigns.

    And call me a cynic, if you must, but it wouldn’t shock me if she resigned, and then ran for higher office, bragging about her anti-gay behavior … and won.

    UPDATE: Since she’s an elected Kentucky official, it appears that the only way to remove her would be by impeachment by the legislature, which is currently out of session.

  62. Brian Allgar says:

    For poor Dr Spooner, each phrase
    Was a labyrinth certain to faze.
    As he said, “Though it’s rummy –
    My dung is a tummy –
    I’m gradually wending my maze”

  63. Brian Allgar says:

    Here’s my problem; it’s bound to *m*ze:
    In my elegy, modelled on Grey’s,
    The letters just sped
    From my pen, B to Z,
    But I never could write down the *’s.

  64. Brian Allgar says:

    Mozart’s output was one to amaze;
    Though still young at the end of his days,
    And approaching defeat
    In making ends meet,
    He left more than 600K’s. *

    (Mozart’s works were catalogued by Ludwig Ritter von Köchel, and go up to K626 (the Requiem).

  65. Brian Allgar says:

    “This dodecaphonical maze”,
    Said Stravinsky, “Is only a craze.”
    But when Schoenberg died,
    Igor serially tried,
    Though “The Firebird” ’s the one that still plays.

    (And, of course, The Rite of Spring, Petruchka, and many others – but when did you last hear one of his serial compositions?)

  66. Brian Allgar says:

    J. Edgar would persecute gays
    For their foul unamerican ways.
    But despite all his mockings,
    He’d wear bras and stockings,
    A perv in his own sexual maze.

  67. Brian Allgar says:

    Err … Adam, I liked your Joan of Arc, but I don’t think there’s any such word as ‘fumaise’!

  68. Adam Stern says:

    Dear Brian, Oh, there absolutely isn’t! It’s a coined word, combining the French verb “fumer” (to smoke) with a feminine suffix. Its English equivalent might be ” smokette”. It was done absolutely tongue-in-cheek, like William S. Gilbert’s rhyming of “alive” and “”conservative” (long “I” in the latter to force the rhyme) in “Iolanthe”. And you’ll be relieved to know that the word received the blessings of a French instructor. (Hey, are you ratting me out to get me disqualified??) Best regards, Adam

  69. Adam Stern says:

    Oh, and per your Stravinsky question: the last time was when Michael Tilson Thomas led a performance of “Threni” at, of all places, Hollywood Bowl in the early 1980s. The conservative musical populace LOVED it…!

  70. Brian Allgar says:

    [Modified version of one a few posts back]

    For poor Dr Spooner, each phrase
    Was a labyrinth. Lost in its ways,
    He would say: “Though it’s rummy –
    My dung is a tummy –
    I’m gradually wending my maze”

  71. Adam Stern says:

    (Written with a smile and with no malice aforethought!)

    I infer some contestants aren’t bonded
    By propriety. Look at what one did:
    It appears that, no sooner
    Had I evoked Spooner,
    Another rushed in and absconded!

  72. Kristin Smith says:

    Phyllis Sterling Smith writes:

    Even Superman has his down days
    Without actions to praise or amaze,
    No telephone booth
    To change clothes in — uncouth!
    And you know there are no other ways.

  73. Kristin Smith says:

    This from Phyllis Sterling Smith:

    There are folks that I’d like to amaze
    By my age, 94, and this phase:
    I lie in my bed.
    Oh the books I have read!
    And for old person’s diapers give praise.

  74. Kristin Smith says:

    From Phyllis Sterling Smith:

    When a distant star started to quase
    Filippenko ran outside to gaze.
    All astronomers hope
    For a high telescope
    When the stars are all set to amaze.

  75. Kristin Smith says:

    Phyllis Sterling Smith sends this:

    My little pet rat, Ethel Hays,
    Disappeared for a number of days.
    She returned in the Fall
    Fat and round as a ball
    Having eaten through acres of maize.

  76. Allen Wilcox says:

    The carnie weight-guesses amaze,
    But forgiveness he seeks and he prays.
    When he cheats on his guesses,
    He most sadly confesses,
    “I regret the errors of my weighs.”

  77. Tim James says:

    The cannibals roasted some maize
    And prepared a nice sauce Hollandaise.
    Then a rival tribe’s chief
    Got thrown in as the beef.
    It’s a worthy opponent they braise.

  78. Tim James says:

    A naughtier version of an earlier post:

    Strip poker last Friday at May’s!
    She’s a beauty in so many ways:
    Lovely breasts, nice neat bush
    And a firm, curvy tush.
    This I know ’cause I drew to four treys.

  79. Adam Stern says:

    Dear Tim, Years ago, New York magazine had word-game competitions, not dissimilar to that which you and I are currently playing, except that the rules would change with every new contest. In one instance the editors requested the following: a riddle with the answer first and the question second (cf. Johnny Carson’s “Carnac”), with the answer a famous phrase or title with one letter altered. My entry was:

    A: “Let us now braise famous men.”
    Q: What did the cannibals say when they found the survivors of the downed V.I.P. plane?

  80. Adam Stern says:

    …and, more to the present point, they once asked for limericks that summed up the plot of a play, novel, movie, etc. One contestant (I wish I remembered her/his name, let alone that I had written this) sent in the following:

    Don Giovanni, attempting to score
    With Number One Thousand and Four,
    Shakes hands with the gory
    Stone Commendatore
    And falls through a trap in the floor.

  81. madkane says:

    For Adam (and Tim): I just Googled that Don Giovanni limerick and found it here: Paul Bickart.

    By the way, New York Magazine (online at least) has revived its contest, which now runs bi-weekly. Unfortunately, it’s a pale imitation of its former self.

  82. Adam Stern says:

    Great sleuthing! Thanks, Mad.

  83. Brian Allgar says:

    Adam, I know the word “fumer”. I live in France, and I’m sorry to say that I smoke my head off – well, not yet literally. If I failed to recognize that “fumaise” was a joke it’s no doubt because – as my best friends will tell you – I’m severely humour-challenged. I could make Sarah Palin look like a laugh a minute.

  84. Adam Stern says:

    Dear Brian, I seriously doubt your humor-challenged status, based on your entries! I enjoy your contributions immensely. I quit cigarettes cold turkey back in 1989 (I was a pack-a-day unfiltered Lucky Strike smoker until then) and have never gone back. For all our sakes, might you consider the same? Also, what’s the French take on Sarah Palin? As Jerry Lewis has a legendary French following, I can only imagine the howls SHE elicits over there. Best regards, Adam

  85. Brian Allgar says:

    P.S. to Adam.

    Concerning the serial Stravinksy: 1980’s? I rest my case. (Actually, there are a couple of pieces that I quite like, but they are definitely minor Stravisnky.) And as for Spooner, if you look back over the last couple of years, you may find that you’re not the first to invoke his nameful shame.

  86. Adam Stern says:

    Dear Brian, True confession: I don’t care for very much of Stravinsky’s post-“Symphony of Psalms” output. The first opera I ever conducted was “The Rake’s Progress”, as our school chose to mount it in my final year of college; I didn’t like it then and still don’t these many years later. (How I wish Britten had been blessed with setting that wonderful Auden/Kallman libretto!) Best regards, Adam

  87. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Magicians are there to amaze
    And leave you just wond’ring for days
    How gals cut in two
    Don’t die, but make you
    Praise the ways of today’s crazed displays.

  88. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Our digestive tract is a maze
    A labyrinth worthy of praise
    What starts out as food
    Ends different when pooed
    Our bodies have magical ways.

  89. Suzanne Heymann says:

    This edible plant we call maize
    Is known more as corn nowadays
    So what’s in a word?
    Is a stool just a turd?
    Are we slaves to synonomous phrase?

  90. madkane says:

    To Brian (and Adam) My Limerick-Off contest has been running for so long, that it’s rare that I see a pun or other type of wordplay that hasn’t appeared in at least one other limerick submission over the years.

    I’m not talking about plagiarism, of course. Though if something sounds unduly familiar, I search my archives to make sure there’s no deliberate or inadvertent copying. I’ve only found one instance so far, and I was persuaded that it was in fact inadvertent.

  91. Suzanne Heymann says:

    The ways that an animal sprays
    Seem endlessly made to amaze
    An elephant’s trunk
    A cat and a skunk
    That’s what Mother Nature displays
    (I never get bored of her ways)

  92. Suzanne Heymann says:

    Political issues – a maze
    Designed to leave you in a daze
    Debates never end
    And seem to intend
    To reach even the dark alleyways.

  93. Phil Graham says:

    Cats are blacks, whites, striped, calicos, grays
    Dogs’ colors can also amaze
    But even if umber
    They’re too great in number
    Blest be the pet owner who spays.

  94. Adam Stern says:

    In the States, being of “good stock’s” high praise,
    And “fine broths” are great guys from the braes.
    If this soup correlation
    Extends to the nation
    Of France, have they “bons consomm锑s?

  95. Phil Graham says:

    Adam —
    Perhaps a soupçon of them..

    (I’ve only seen ‘brothers’ abbreviated as ‘bros’ but I suppose that’s what you were going for with ‘broths.’)

  96. Adam Stern says:

    Dear Phil, No, what you see is correct — there’s an old Scottish expression, “He’s a fine broth of a lad” (hence the reference to braes). I was going for the natural progression of stock — broth — consommé. Best regards, Adam

  97. Adam Stern says:

    From Robert Louis Stevenson’s “The Master of Ballantrae” (a Scottish novel):

    “Oh! the divil fetch him,” says I. “He would be glad to know how I come in a garden, would he? Well, now, my dear man, just have the civility to tell the Sahib, with my kind love, that we are two soldiers here whom he never met and never heard of, but the cipaye is a broth of a boy, and I am a broth of a boy myself; and if we don’t get a full meal of meat, and a turban, and slippers, and the value of a gold mohur in small change as a matter of convenience, bedad, my friend, I could lay my finger on a garden where there is going to be trouble.”

  98. Phil Graham says:

    Yes, I wondered why you had placed them on the auld sod.

    As I hang around Mad’s site, I learn LOTS from you, Brian, Will, and a host of others whose knowledge seems to know no bounds.

    Here are a few I’ve done on things Scottish:

    Scottish haggis, I’ve heard, is delicious
    Surely those who say so are facetious
    Sheep’s heart, lungs and liver
    Plus oats makes me quiver
    And cooked in his stomach? Sounds vicious.

    An elderly Scot named McPhee
    Could no longer easily pee
    This was pre-Avodart
    But he found if he’d fart
    It would start up his stream and bring glee!

    A battle-worn Scotsman named Doonoch,
    For a shirt wears a loose-fitting tunic.
    ‘Neath his kilt nothing swings
    For he’s missing his “things”,
    A mortar shell made him a eunuch.

    And this one, while not original, is an all-time favorite:
    Q. What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
    A. Mick says, “Hey, you, get offa my cloud” and the Scot says, “Hey, McLeod! Get offa my ewe!”

  99. Adam Stern says:

    One of my favorite things Scottish:

    When I was in college, the theater department did a production of Macbeth. My actor friends told me that the poor chap in the titular lead was a nervous wreck at having been assigned so monumental a role, and was jittery as hell at rehearsals. It became a joke amongst his actor colleagues that he’d be doing his big Act V soliloquy, and say:

    “‘ — To-morrow, and to-morrow, and…’– Line!”

  100. Adam Stern says:

    …Is a Scottish nudist an off-kilter?

  101. Phil Graham says:

    That was a tart ‘un!

  102. Adam Stern says:

    No doubt he had a checkered past.

  103. Adam Stern says:

    …and possibly a lot of plaid-tonic relationships as a result.

  104. madkane says:

    A man who was very well built,
    Was naked except for his kilt.
    He was flouting the regs,
    As he flaunted his legs,
    And willed certain parts not to wilt.

  105. Phil Graham says:

    Rather than taking up Mad’s webspace with my Scottish puns and limericks, how about Hibernia a CD?

  106. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 229.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Vain..