Said a gal to her closest friend Jean:
“Did you sleep with my boyfriend? Come clean!”
Jean confessed: “Don’t be pissed!
I told him, ‘Desist!’
Seems his language skills aren’t too keen.”
The Confession (Limerick)
September 27th, 2023The Negotiation (Limerick)
September 21st, 2023“Your masala’s delicious! Great flavor,”
Raved a customer, currying favor.
Then she added, “But please
Make it hotter. Don’t tease!”
Said the chef, “Fine, but first sign this waiver!”
The Nasty Conductor (Limerick)
September 20th, 2023A nasty conductor named Flynn
Yelled, “What in the hell was that din?”
“Not my fault,” said a drummer.
“That gong is a bummer!”
“I’ve warned you,” said Flynn. “Don’t chime in!”
Yet Another “Connections” Limerick
September 18th, 2023There are times I feel smart as a whip,
Even savvy, and “with it,” and hip.
But for THAT I must score
A “Connections” game “four.”
Doing worse means I’m losing my grip.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 14, 2023)
September 16th, 2023It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to FEET, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best FOOT-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on October 15, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 14, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my FIND or FINED or DEFINED or REFINED or CONFINED-Rhyme Limerick:
Please don’t whine about being entwined
In indictments. You’ve caused your own bind.
In your quest for more wins,
You seem blind to your sins,
But you’ll soon be in prison confined.
And here’s my FOOT/FEET-Themed Limerick:
A bad snowstorm — we can’t use our wheels.
And my boots are a wreck, so the deal’s
That I’ll just have to wait
For the storm to abate.
Until then, I’ll be cooling my heels.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
While I stood on a rather long line,
I felt shaky and faint — too much wine!
Plus the sun-glare was strong,
And I DID smoke that bong.
(I was otherwise perfectly fine.)
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (513)
September 16th, 2023It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
One political faction –a horde —
Abandoned the pen for the sword.
But its plan was derailed,
And the splinter group failed,
Because no one would sit on the board.
Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the PITCH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
The underdogs pick up the slack.
Neck and neck in the ninth; they’ve come back!
Last play for the cup;
The pitcher winds up,
Then the power goes out, – it’s pitch black.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: SINK, REFUSE, DAWN, ALARMING, CROWD.
Groused Aurora, “The moon sinks anon.”
(But she knew that the show must go on).
“In so many words,
My job’s for the birds!”
There you have it — the first crack of Dawn.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for his clever Indictment Saga:
Through the years I’d become very jaded.
Would Trump face the music? I waited.
I’d gotten quite bored.
Alvin Bragg then restored
A small measure of justice, belated.The pitch of Trump’s whining got higher
As Jack Smith held his feet to the fire.
Stolen docs were the crux.
If you ask me, it sucks
They were left in the loo of a liar.More charges were crowding the field
Because Smith was refusing to yield.
He proceeded to fix
The main blame for 1/6
As Trump’s sanity tottered and reeled.A new day is beginning to dawn;
It’s alarming to think what went on.
Fani Willis may sink
All these mobsters, I think.
Like the shreds of Trump’s mind, they’ll be gone.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Janice Canerdy, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Rudy Landesman, Justin OConnor, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOARD or BORED-RHYME DIVISION)
Paul Haebig:
Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”
Brian Allgar:
They thought the much-feared water-board
Would unlock all the codes that were stored
In the Russian spy’s head,
But he told them instead:
“Most refreshing, that water you poured.”
Robert Schechter:
I’ve been Fermied and Einsteined and floored
By Dirac, and I’ve simply adored
Being Newtoned and Plancked.
All these men should be thanked.
But you asked about Niels? I was Bohred.
Janice Canerdy:
I was feeling neglected and bored.
Hubby kissed me. My low spirits soared.
I cooed, “Let’s go to bed.”
When he said, “Well, instead,
Would you fix me some lunch?” I was floored.
Lisi Nortman:
Her grounds for divorce struck a chord:
I asked, “How may I help you, Ms. Ford?”
Without shedding a tear,
Her answer was clear:
“For 55 years, I’ve been bored.”
Rudy Landesman:
At an opera he truly adored,
He never, no never, got bored.
In his own private box,
He pulled up his socks;
And in tune to the music he snored.
Brian Allgar:
Whenever the actor was bored,
He would dress as the Queen, and a horde
Of his friends came to tea,
Served with great majesty;
He never could reign, but he poured.
Rudy Landesman:
Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall
Made movies, and those were a ball.
Their films never bored.
Were they sexy? Oh, Lord!!
No need for their baring it all.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (PITCH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
J.OConnor, for his Acrostic Pitch Limerick:
Prepare for a pitch that is great.
It might curve. It might sink or be straight.
The advice you should heed
Can be simple indeed.
Hit the ball if it’s over the plate!
Lisi Nortman:
Many sports lovers witnessed a pitch
With a very discomforting hitch:
The ball flew in the air
Unmistakably where
The batter would normally itch.
Sharon Neeman:
I’ve been given a Newf pup named Mitch.
When he runs, the whole house seems to pitch;
He barks and he drools
And he pees on my rules…
But (sigh) he’s so easy to scritch!
Terry Marter:
All I’m getting today from my muse,
Is a vacuous silence; no clues.
Each clever new pitch
I attempt, has a glitch
She could fix, put prefers to refuse.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A young rookie developed a glitch:
He’d swear (under his breath) when he’d pitch.
His old manager though,
Said, “Your pitch is too low.”
So he learned to yell, “Son of a bitch!”
Tim James, for his Imperfect Pitch:
A pianist who wasn’t too deft
Checked the key for a piece (to the left),
Saw one flat, and thought, “Gee!
This whole thing is in C!”
The result: his performance was F’ed.
J.OConnor:
He found a new spot, so he switched
From the place where his tent had been pitched.
The new spot he chose
Was where poison oak grows,
So he scratched all night long where it itched.
Terry Marter:
Whenever she tries to sing higher,
The sound she emits is quite dire.
She’s no Di’na Ross,
But she’s loved by her boss
Cuz she’s got the best tits in his choir.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Sjaan VandenBroeder
A naked street artist named Dowd,
To an onlooker frankly avowed,
“I would never refuse,
To sketch YOU, if you choose,
But I’m happiest drawing a crowd.”
J.OConnor:
I know a nice fellow from Maine.
Who refuses to ever complain.
But a clog in his sink
Has him close to the brink,
’Cause his arm is still stuck in that drain!
Sharon Neeman:
Food pois’ning’s alarming, I think:
It makes an incredible stink!
Bad enough all that poo,
But the puke and the spew…
Come dawn, I must Drano my sink.
Lisi Nortman:
I awakened at dawn and I vowed
“No more lim’ricks!” (I screamed it out loud.)
Well, that lasted ONE day,
Cuz I can’t stay away–
Too far from the MADdening crowd.
Jean McEwen:
Overwhelmed by the mess in my sink
(Dirty dishes, beginning to stink)–
Then, a sudden caprice:
Dawn can handle that grease!
P&G draws me back from the brink.
Lisi Nortman:
I sank low, and I’d do it again;
I bent over backwards for Ken.
You might think it alarming,
But Ken is so charming,
That I helped him escape from the pen.
Tim James:
Said a guy who was amply endowed:
“Sure, this makes me stand out from the crowd.
Though some gals have refused —
They’re alarmed they’ll be bruised —
For the most part, the ladies are wowed.”
Rudy Landesman:
I refuse to get up before dawn.
I’d rather be quartered and drawn.
But don’t worry, my friends.
Before this day ends
I’ll be up and I’ll see you anon.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
The Weary Weatherman (Limerick)
September 10th, 2023Said a weatherman, weary and old,
“I’m bored with my job, truth be told.
I’d prefer to report
On the news or some sport;
About weather I blow hot and cold.”
A Writer’s Lament (Limerick)
September 7th, 2023I need to be funny today.
But, alas, I have nothing to say.
I can’t even concoct
A cute couplet; none’s stocked.
And my brain says, “I’m blocked. Go away!”
What Heel Invented Stilettos? (Limerick)
September 3rd, 2023When I’m asked, “What’s your least fav invention?”
I waver: “Too many to mention!”
But when pressed, I select
The stiletto; feet wrecked
By the score just for leggy extension!
(National High Heels Day is celebrated on May 20.)
NOT The Best Defense (Limerick)
August 31st, 2023
There’s no evidence here! Not a shred
That the “victim” is actu’lly dead,
Let alone that her spouse
Is a murdering louse;
This poor widower LOVED being wed!
Fractious Phil (Limerick)
August 29th, 2023Fractious Phil was a man on a tear,
Who spread friction and fictions with flair.
All his oddball convictions
And scary predictions
Were welcomed. (Seems sane folks are rare.)
The Local Know-It-All (Limerick)
August 25th, 2023There’s a neighbor I try not to meet.
When I spot him, I’ll dart down the street,
For the man’s never terse,
And with chapter and verse
About topics diverse, he’s replete.
Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BOARD or BORED at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 16, 2023)
August 19th, 2023It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BOARD or BORED at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PITCH, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PITCH-related limerick.
And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.
Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: SINK, REFUSE, DAWN, ALARMING, CROWD.
(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on September 17, 2023, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 16, 2023 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my BOARD or BORED-Rhyme Limerick:
When a man reached an online accord
To buy wood, he was certain he’d scored.
But, alas, he had not;
He’d been duped by a bot
That sent rot and was NOT above board.
And here’s my PITCH-Themed Limerick:
Her singing was heartfelt and loud.
(With great volume that gal’s well-endowed.)
But her pitch was so sad,
The conductor (her dad)
Told his fans “It’s my bad,” as he bowed.
And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:
It’s pre-dawn. I’m in front of the sink,
Washing up, while attempting to think
Of a rhyme. But my muse
Yawned and said, “I refuse.
Don’t abuse me. I’m NOT in the pink!”
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Limerick-Off Award (512)
August 19th, 2023It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
She swung on a swing and was swayed
By the sound of a song in the shade.
The song that was sung
By the swing that was swung
Was a sweet swinging soft serenade.
Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TEST-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
Barbie’s got a particular yen,
But her man flunked that test once again.
He said, “Sorry to fail ya;
I’ve no genitalia!”
So sex remains outside her ken.
Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: DUCK, GIFTED, JITTERY, MERGE, STAR.
There once was a plumber named Jack,
Whose pet duck, you might say, had his back.
When on jobs Jack would bend,
And display his rear end,
The fowl, gifted with hindsight, warned, “Quack!”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Gail White, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Janice Canerdy, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEST-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)
Brian Allgar:
Though they told us full tests had been made,
We felt jittery as the thing swayed,
And we ducked, one and all,
When we thought it would fall …
But the Tower of Pisa has stayed.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUEDE, SWAYED, PERSUADE, or DISSUADE-RHYME DIVISION)
Robert Schechter:
When my lottery winnings were paid,
I figured, it’s time to upgrade!
So now I unload
On a golden commode,
Then wipe with a roll of fine suede.
Terry Marter:
I told mum he’d proposed, in my text.
Her reply, left me somewhat perplexed:
I’d remarked “I’ll be swayed,”
But my typo read “spayed.”
She wrote “PLEASE have kids, – DON’T get de-sexed.”
Tim James:
Said a friend of Van Gogh’s: “It’s now clear
Vincent’s case of depression’s severe.
He’s not easily swayed
By mere words, I’m afraid.
Should you see him, just lend him an ear.”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
A pastor who had no desire,
To threaten of brimstone and fire,
Said, “I’d rather persuade,
With a nice serenade.”
He was preaching, no doubt, to the choir.
Jean McEwen:
Can’t his acolytes see the charade?
Against Trump I have often inveighed.
Yet, I’ve yet to dissuade
Any MAGA folks; they’d
Sooner die than admit they’ve been played.
Terry Marter:
She dressed in the finest kid suede
In her quest to get lucky (that’s laid.)
In an area shaded,
She soon was dis-suede-ed
By a randy old goat in the glade.
Gail White:
The Fates can be hard to persuade,
When I’m hoping my fortune is made.
For I never quite seem
To accomplish my dream
To get rich, or get high, or get laid.
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Said a tough-skinned and shrewd dairymaid,
To a callow young calf who had strayed,
“Keep your nose in the grass,
And cover your ass,
Or your gonna end up being swayed.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEST-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)
Bob Turvey:
Herbal cooking is now all the rage
So the wife studied herbs for an age.
If you ask, as a test,
“For this meal, which is best?”
Her answer will always be sage.
Brian Allgar:
The Producer said: “For your screen test,
You must first get completely undressed,
Then demurely recline
On this casting-couch. Fine!
Just relax, and let me do the rest.”
Lisi Nortman:
“Hello Mr. Tense. I’m Joe Shrink.
This test will reveal what you think.”
“Doc, it looks like some klutz
Flipped out and went nuts,
Then knocked over a bottle of ink.”
Tim James:
It’s exam time. Such anguish and woe!
I’ve not studied. I’m naked! Oh no!
Plus I can’t move or scream!
Wait…it’s only a dream.
What the hell? School was DECADES ago!
Bob Turvey:
Cried a lady, “My god what a whopper!
In use it should prove a show stopper!”
But when put to the test
It was lacking in zest
And it turned out to be a real flopper.
Dave Johnson:
His numbers are up as of late;
So Trump thinks indictments are great.
That notion, at best,
Would be put to the test
If “Guilty!” determines his fate.
Janice Canerdy, for her “A Student’s Rant:”
Them ole teechers is always such pests
With there homework and long, stoopid tests.
We already spells good,
And we talks like we should.
Their to mean to be pleezed with our bests!
J.OConnor:
Hermann Rorschach was not a great guest.
In fact, he was rather a pest.
He’d spill ink everywhere.
Stain your rugs and your chair.
Then tell you “It’s only a test.”
HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)
Terry Marter:
My friend was born gifted,- a star,
But I jitter when we’re in his car.
We came close to a merge
With a duck on a verge,
Now we’re three, on the verge, – in a bar.
Lisi Nortman:
When young, I could climb a big boulder.
I was gifted, but now I’m MUCH older.
The last time I merged,
I screamed and then purged,
And made a quick right to the shoulder.
Jean McEwen:
Even though I appear to be brave,
I feel jittery inside this cave.
Should my head fail to duck
I could forthwith get stuck.
Such an outcome would surely be grave.
Brian Allgar:
The film star was down on his luck;
He was not very gifted, the schmuck,
And he quacked when he spoke.
But they said: “Just the bloke!
He’ll be perfect to play Donald Duck!”
Sjaan VandenBroeder:
Nervous Nellie in worry is stuck.
What is bound to befall her? Bad luck.
If she spies from afar
A divine shooting star,
She’ll jump out of her skin and yell, “Duck!”
Tim James:
A gifted young duck named McGee
Yearned to star in a show on TV.
But the nod went instead
To a horse, Mister Ed.
Show biz ain’t all it’s quacked up to be.
Dave Johnson:
The guys were quite nervous and jittery;
That Las Vegas club was so glittery.
Uneasiness surged
Till the showgirls emerged;
It seems they could handle the tittery.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Parenting Challenge (Limerick)
August 13th, 2023When a clever, inquisitive lad
Would pester and pepper his dad
With questions galore,
His dad would implore:
“Ask your mom. She knows more. She’s a grad!”
A Vocal Complaint (Limerick)
August 9th, 2023As I sit on the seat that’s assigned me,
I’m assailed by a voice right behind me.
It’s so noisy and shrill,
That it’s making me ill.
How do people like that always find me?
Fair Warning (Limerick)
August 4th, 2023I concede that at times I am shrill.
I admit that I’m often a pill.
I can be cold as ice,
So I WON’T be this nice
The NEXT time you tell me to “chill.”
Foiled Romance (Limerick)
July 31st, 2023A man who, alas, had no game,
Was rebuffed by a cold-hearted dame:
“You’ve no shot at romance
With me. Not at chance,
Like I told you the last time you came!”
Marriage Advice (Limerick)
July 29th, 2023“Don’t marry that man: He’s a worm,
And a wiseass, a sneak, and a germ,
An incompetent crook,
And a sniveling schnook,
As most of his bookies confirm.”
