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It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.<\/a> <\/span>Congratulations to MICHAEL R. BURCH,<\/a> who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, submitted by him “with abject apologies to Ogden Nash:”<\/p>\n\n\n\n A fly with the flu foully flew <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special FOOT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have very large feet, so I choose <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> Congratulations to J.OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: <\/span>FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n His hair was combed neat and was parted. <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar<\/a>, Mark Totterdell<\/a>, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Gail White, Janice Canerdy, Tim James, George Larson, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, and Rudy Landesman.<\/span> <\/span>Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks: <\/span><\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND\/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Donald snarls at the judge with a glare: <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FIND\/FINED-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FOOT-THEMED LIMERICKS)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mark Totterdell:<\/p>\n\n\n\n My feet are not neat or refined; <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (FIND\/FINED-RHYME DIVISION)<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Your intended must be very kind Terry Marter:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Her new drummer was such a great find; Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The doctors attempted to find Sjaan VandenBroeder:<\/p>\n\n\n\n My old cat has control of his mind, Tim James:<\/p>\n\n\n\n McCarthy was startled to find <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gail White:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Says Meghan, \u201cI\u2019m ultra-refined, Janice Canerdy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Susie\u2019s skirts now conceal her behind Tim James:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A man from Hawaii opined: George Larson:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had a few drinks to unwind Tony Holmes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n We, the voting for Trump undersigned, <\/p>\n\n\n\n Tim James:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A homely young fellow named Nate <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (FOOT-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Terry Marter:<\/p>\n\n\n\n As the fight got increasingly heated, <\/p>\n\n\n\n Tim James:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A podiatrist thought it a thrill Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n\n\n\n My son’s messy; we had a quite a spat. Bob Turvey:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A toff who broke down in our street <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jean McEwen:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dick insists that his prick\u2019s one foot long\u2014 <\/p>\n\n\n\n Lisi Nortman, for her “Fifth Grade Math Test Musings.” *<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n “Here I sit in the midst of my woe; <\/p>\n\n\n\n Terry Marter:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The drummer looked so cool and neat, Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n\n\n\n “They say that I\u2019m tiny of hand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob Turvey:<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s a tale told in old Montreal, <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FAINT, GLARE, CORRUPT, COMB, STREAM)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Hubby no longer has any hair. <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sjaan VandenBroeder:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A snide critic who loved panning plays, Rudy Landesman:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Every night he was combing the street Tim James:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m a faint imitation, it seems, <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Lisi Nortman, for her Senior Citizen Home Police Report:<\/p>\n\n\n\n “She fainted and fell off her chair, <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> In the next couple of minutes I\u2019ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p>
Up my nose\u2014thought I\u2019d die\u2014had to sue!
Was the small villain fined?
An abrupt judge declined
My case, since I\u2019d \u201cfailed to achoo!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
To buy oversized, custom-made shoes.
When the creek topped its banks,
All my neighbors gave thanks
\u2019Cause those kicks served as first-rate canoes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
His speech on decorum had started.
He straightened his back,
Spoke of manners they lack,
Then glared at the crowd as he farted.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou\u2019re corrupter than Biden, I swear!
Are you outa ya mind?
That amount I been fined
Leaves me knocked off my feet everywhere!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
They have toes of some animal kind,
And the skin on each sole
Has the odd crack or hole
Like a cheese with a moldy old rind.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And LUSTFUL! Please keep that in mind.
When you locate this man,
Grab him fast as you can,
Cuz a good man who’s hard is a “find.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
His rhythm in bed blew her mind!
To his hot paradiddle,
She’d lie there and fiddle,
Singing lim’ricks, all perfectly timed.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Something vaguely resembling a mind
In Trump\u2019s head, but instead,
Found a short note that read
\u201cOUT TO LUNCH.\u201d With an \u2018X\u2019 it was signed.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And if he\u2019s in the bathroom, confined,
He\u2019ll summon his chi,
To shred the TP,
Always doing his best to unwind.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
That his caucus was out of its mind.
Disgraced and displaced,
He got thoroughly Maced.
Maybe next time he\u2019ll be stiffer-spined.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
So I do hope the staff will not mind
Throwing out the dead tulips
And mixing mint juleps,
while I lie on this sofa reclined.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
(Most of it), and she\u2019s not so inclined
To get drunk and start fights
At the bars. She delights
In declaring, \u201cLook, y\u2019all. I\u2019m refined!”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBy my job I\u2019m severely confined.
My plantation, I\u2019ve found,
Needs attention year round.
Growing coffee is really a grind!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And leave all my troubles behind,
But Officer Stubbs
Saw me pee in the shrubs,
And now I\u2019ve been locked up and fined.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Wish to say even if he\u2019s confined,
We\u2019re still stupid enough
To call ev\u2019ryone\u2019s bluff.
He can rule from his cell \u2013 we don\u2019t mind.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Mansplains constantly, irking his mate:
\u201cI was happy to find
That it\u2019s true: love is blind.
Were it deaf as well, that would be great.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
To ensure that the king was unseated,
He declared that “It rankles
When, clean at the ankles,
With the swipe of a sword I’m de-feeted.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
To take up with a mistress until
His wife took him to court,
Cleaned him out just for sport.
For his sins he\u2019s now footing the bill.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And here’s what I said, “Listen Pat!
“Before you walk in
From wherever you’ve been
Wipe your feet on the neighbor’s front mat.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Said, \u201cLook lively, I\u2019ve someone to meet.
You must give me a tow.\u201d
So I said, \u201cSorry Joe,
I\u2019m afraid they\u2019re attached to my feet.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
But Charlisse, who has measured his shlong,
Says that when it is lax
It is three inches – max,
And its girth shrinks to naught near the prong.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
With fractions, I’m sure not a pro.
What’s one fifth of a foot!
Now I’m REALLY kaput!
Oh well, I’ll just answer “a toe.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
With his double kick-drums and gold seat.
He would snare all the chics
With his twirling sticks tricks,
And his sex-cymbal measured two feet.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s a lie, but I\u2019ll let that one stand.
They can jeer at my feet,
But for one they can\u2019t beat,
They should just see the size of my gland!”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Which goes, as I\u2019m sure you recall,
That ALL feet are male \u2013
Because, without fail,
Every foot that exists has a ball.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
He has thrown out his comb in despair.
Now I can’t read in bed
On account of his head,
Which keeps sending a bald, blinding glare.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
As he combed through his thoughts for a phrase,
Said of one ingenue,
\u201cShe can swoon right on cue.\u201d
Alas, damning the girl with faint praise.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
With the hope that someday he would meet
The love of his life.
(But don\u2019t tell his wife!)
That corrupt guy was truly in heat.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Of her idols, the men of her dreams.
I fall glaringly short
Of the men of the sort
That appear in the movies she streams.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Then muttered, ‘This Bingo ain’t fair,
Cuz I DID have B2
And I know what is true:
At my seat someone planted a glare.\u2019”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n