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It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.<\/a><\/p> Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n\n\n\n At a lake, standing right at the brink, <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special TASTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m becoming increasingly stout, <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Doctor Jones said, “Too bad you’re a smoker, <\/p> <\/p> And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar,<\/a> <\/span>Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Sharon Neeman, Bob Turvey, Jean McEwen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Justin OConnor, Rudy Landesman, and David Friedman. <\/span>Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: DRINK or DRINKS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TASTE-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Brian Allgar <\/p>\n\n\n\n My appetite seems to be jaded; <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRINK or DRINKS<\/span>-RHYME DIVISION)<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Tim James: <\/p>\n\n\n\n I invited her up for a drink Lisi Nortman: <\/p>\n\n\n\n At “talking the talk,” boy, I stink! <\/p>\n\n\n\n Terry Marter: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people, soon after one drink, <\/p>\n\n\n\n Brian Allgar: <\/p>\n\n\n\n I was hovering over the brink: <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharon Neeman: <\/p>\n\n\n\n While agrarian life has its charm, <\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob Turvey:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In Iran I once ordered a drink, Sjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n\n\n\n At a bar, when a gentleman winks Tim James: <\/p>\n\n\n\n If \u201cdrank\u201d is the past tense of \u201cdrink\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (TASTE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Brian Allgar: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I know it\u2019s a waste, Jean McEwen: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Connoisseurs of fine foods (like flamb\u00e9) Lisi Nortman: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Mama’s “batter-chip” cookies demand <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Sjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n\n\n\n I keep track of the girth of my waist \u2014 Justin OConnor: <\/p>\n\n\n\n He worked as a cook and he toiled <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> <\/p> HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: ACE, AFRAID, FUNCTION, JADED, UPSET<\/span>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n Rudy Landesman: <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m too jaded to still get upset Terry Marter: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Flashing classified doc’s at a function, Tim James: <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI have full human function,\u201d said she, Sjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve begun to malfunction, David Friedman: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Madeleine got quite upset Rudy Landesman:<\/p>\n\n\n\n A pitcher, who once was an Ace, <\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p> Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.<\/p>In the next couple of minutes I\u2019ll be posting a new Limerick-Off,<\/a> which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.<\/span>
An elephant raised a big stink:
\u201cThat damn swimming bunny
Is not a bit funny!
I hate when there\u2019s hare in my drink!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
So my doc has a diet to tout.
\u201cIt\u2019s so simple and neat
To decide what to eat:
If you find it tastes good, spit it out.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Cuz your heart functions look mediocre.
ACE Inhibitors work.”
Then he said with a smirk,
“Though they might hurt your chances in poker.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
My taste for fine claret has faded.
I\u2019m afraid I now drink
Mostly plonk, but I think
That the quantity has been upgraded.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And to show her my etchings (wink wink.)
But she turned out to be
Not a she but a he \u2014
And from such situations I shrink.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Yet, when walking, my legs are in sync.
Hence, I never should talk
While I’m “walking the walk,”
Though I’ll walk while I’m drinking the drink.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Make you wonder how low they can sink.
They’re so stupid and dumb
And appear to become
Evolution’ry scale’s missing link.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Should I have yet another stiff drink?
I\u2019d already had six,
And they might not all mix \u2026
What decided me? Hearing \u201cclink, clink.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Some country folk cause great alarm:
Those farmhands who think
They can drive while they drink
And not make someone else buy the farm.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And the barman said, \u201cAll bears are pink?\u201d
I said, \u201cDon\u2019t get arsey
I\u2019m speaking in Farsi.\u201d
And the Persian said, \u201cThat\u2019s what YOU think!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
At a lady he thinks is a minx,
And she won\u2019t do his bidding,
It means he was kidding,
When he offered to pay for her drinks.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And \u201csank\u201d is the past tense of \u201csink,\u201d
Why did people turn red
When I recently said
\u201cI wank\u201d when describing a wink?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
But it\u2019s got such a horrible taste.\u201d
So she spat it all out,
Leaving me in no doubt
That she couldn\u2019t stand anchovy paste.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
And fine wines (like, say, Pouilly-Fuiss\u00e9)
Are convinced it\u2019s debased
And in very bad taste
To hang out at Old Country Buffet.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
A guinea pig who can withstand
Something soft and real gooey
And also quite chewy
Which tastes just like Play-Doh with sand.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
All indulgences tallied and traced.
But a lick or a sip?
I let those numbers slip,
Since there is no accounting for taste.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
For a queen who liked eggs only boiled.
When she tasted one fried,
She burst out and cried.
So he knew that the royal was roiled.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
When I have \u201csenior moments\u201d. But yet,
Do you think I\u2019m afraid
I won\u2019t ace getting laid
By not functioning deftly? You bet!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
He bragged with no sign of compunction.
Though his MO is jaded,
His ego’s not faded,
As he shrugs off one more court injunction.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
“A hot android,” I answered with glee:
\u201cI\u2019m so ready! Let\u2019s boff!\u201d
Then her noggin popped off.
I\u2019m afraid getting head\u2019s not for me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Since no longer do I feel compunction,
When I skip \u201cMeet The Press\u201d
And replace PBS
With old reruns of \u201cPetticoat Junction.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
At the limericks she had to vet.
\u201cI\u2019m jaded, dismayed,\u201d
She said, \u201cAnd afraid
That these are as good as they get.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Has now, as is often the case,
Lost many a game;
And I fear for his fame.
I\u2019m afraid that he\u2019s also lost face.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n