It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.<\/p>\n
Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL,<\/a> who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n Santas Barbara, Ana and Cruz Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RETIREMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n The rat race is over. I\u2019m done. And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar,<\/a> David Friedman, Sue Dulley, Mark Totterdell,<\/a> Terry Marter, Christine Frier, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Doug Harris, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko<\/a>. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:<\/p>\n HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE”-Rhyme DIVISION)<\/p>\n Sjaan VandenBroeder:<\/p>\n If he\u2019d known there\u2019d be watered-down booze; Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n We had taken a luxury cruise, David Friedman:<\/p>\n A control on my car labeled \u2018Cruise\u2019 Sue Dulley:<\/p>\n Pen\u00e9lope Cruz and Tom Cruise Sjaan VandenBroeder:<\/p>\n \nA French artist emboldened by booze, Mark Totterdell:<\/p>\n On that ship packed with creatures in twos, Terry Marter:<\/p>\n Had enough of \u2018cool\u2019 jazz in this freeze. Sjaan VandenBroeder:<\/p>\n My new beau, who calls couch a divan, Christine Frier:<\/p>\n We were booked on the \u201cHook\u2019 n High Seas.\u201d Tim James:<\/p>\n I met a young gal on a cruise; Mark Totterdell:<\/p>\n Sailing south over depths oceanic, HONORABLE MENTIONS (RETIREMENT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)<\/p>\n Byron Miller:<\/p>\n I will never, it seems, be retired; Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n I needed the garage\u2019s wares, Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n \nThis job sure is makin\u2019 me cry. Terry Marter:<\/p>\n \nThere\u2019s no way that I\u2019ll ever retire, Doug Harris:<\/p>\n Retirement? You workers can scoff, Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n The hooker had made enough dough, Sjaan VandenBroeder:<\/p>\n My kinfolk spawned nobody famous Tony Holmes:<\/p>\n \u201cI was free, at long last, to devote Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n Retirement! What a great life! Steve Benko:<\/p>\n In retirement, what could I do? Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.<\/p>\n In the next couple of minutes I\u2019ll be posting a new Limerick-Off,<\/a> which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.<\/p>\n
\nMay have charms to delight and amuse,
\nBut for one special quality,
\nSeasonal jollity,
\nClaus is the Santa I\u2019d choose.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nRetirement, I\u2019ve found, is more fun.
\nAfter thousands of days
\nRunning through that damn maze,
\nI had to concede. The rats won.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nRowdy queues at the unisex loos;
\nHuge overstuffed trunks;
\nTwo castaway skunks \u2014
\nNoah would have said \u201cno\u201d to the cruise.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nBut my friend had drunk far too much booze.
\nThey cried \u201cMan overboard!\u201d
\nAnd a ravenous horde
\nOf white sharks came to check the good news.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nIs very intriguing to use:
\nI press it and ZIP!
\nI\u2019m there on a ship
\nWith swimming pools, buffets, and booze!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nOnce were partners, I heard on the news.
\nIf he asked her to wed,
\nHere’s what she may have said:
\n“Change my name to Cruz-Cruise? I refuse!”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nAsked a prostitute out on a cruise.
\nShe replied, \u201cWell, Lautrec \u2014
\nOh, hell, what the heck.
\nI really have nothing to lose.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nWith their bellows and roars, neighs and moos,
\nAnd their horrible stink,
\nI could not sleep a wink.
\nI\u2019d award just one star to that cruise.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nMade some notes to seek tropical breeze.
\nGot a gig on a cruise
\nWith my horn, – playing blues
\nAnd some sizzling high \u2018C\u2019s on high seas.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nWill remind me, \u201cIt\u2019s SKILLET, not pan.\u201d
\nHe says \u201ccon job\u201d is ruse,
\nAnd a bottle’s a cruse,
\nThen he swigs all his beer from a can.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nIt\u2019s a cruise where crocheting\u2019s the tease.
\nBut the action on cruise,
\nWas with husband and flooze.
\nThe hooker was hooking high fees.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nShe\u2019s a lawyer, a cook, and a flooze.
\nYes, this set-up is lame
\nAnd this punch line\u2019s the same:
\nShe\u2019s a woman who sues, stews, and screws.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nThe polar bears realized, in panic,
\nThat the fate of their cruise
\nWould be major world news,
\nAs their iceberg had hit the Titanic.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nI guess planning ahead was required.
\nI lived for enjoyment,
\nChose part-time employment \u2014
\nHope Walmart soon tells me I\u2019m hired.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nAnd I\u2019d taken my car for repairs.
\n\u201cPlease re-tire this car.\u201d
\nThey replied \u201cRight you are.\u201d
\nWhen I went back, they\u2019d sold it for spares!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nCan\u2019t wait for my final goodbye.
\nBut the figures now show
\nThat I really can\u2019t go
\nTill 20 years after I die.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nCuz my debt\u2019s getting higher and higher.
\nNow I\u2019m feeling the heat
\nFrom a loan shark named Pete,
\nAs I leap from the pan to the fire.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nAs we creak and we stumble and cough.
\nBut if you examine a
\nPensioner\u2019s stamina;
\nBe impressed \u2013 we don\u2019t take a day off!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nAnd she felt a most virtuous glow
\nWhen she chose to retire
\nAnd join the church choir.
\nHer fav’rite composer? John Blow.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\n(Who would claim us), except Uncle Amos.
\nHe drew local attention,
\nEmbezz\u2019ling a pension.
\nSo we moved out of town. Can you blame us?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nAll my time to restoring my boat.
\nThe expenses surprised
\nAnd I\u2019ve now been advised,
\n\u2018Get a job \u2013 it will keep you afloat.\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nNo more hassle, no conflicts, no strife!
\nThe world feels so sweet,
\nAnd to make things complete
\nTomorrow, I\u2019m leaving my wife.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nBut Madeleine, dear, then came you.
\nMy life\u2019s new direction
\nIs verbal confection;
\nIt\u2019s fun, since it seems I can\u2019t screw.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n