It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. <\/p>\n
Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n
A musically gifted Italian
\nWas a farmer who won a medallion
\nFor a novel technique
\nOf marketing leek,
\nWhich earned him the title \u201crapscallion.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nCongratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special COMPLAINT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n
A couple were bitchin\u2019 and moanin\u2019
\nThat airplanes they\u2019d recently flown in
\nHad rest rooms so cramped
\nThat they thoroughly damped
\nExpectations of aerial bonin\u2019.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nAnd congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar,<\/a> Tim James, Roger Haugen, Diane Groothuis, Bob Turvey, Dane Paulsen, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Christine Frier, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, David Friedman, Mark Totterdell<\/a>, and Gennadiy Gurariy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:<\/p>\n
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: \u201cLEAK or LEEK\u201d RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COMPLAINT LIMERICKS)<\/p>\n
Brian Allgar: <\/p>\n
My toilet continues to leak,
\nAnd the neighbours complain of the reek.
\nBut the plumber can\u2019t come,
\nHe has broken his thumb,
\nSo we\u2019re calling our bathroom \u201cShit Creek.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nHONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAK or LEEK”-Rhyme DIVISION)<\/p>\n
Roger Haugen: <\/p>\n
A camper on break took a leak
\nIn an outhouse made wholly of teak;
\nHe finished his whizz\u2013
\n\u201cWhat a nice place this is!\u201d
\nAnd stayed there the rest of the week.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nDiane Groothuis: <\/p>\n
A woman whose taste was unique,
\nCollected all objects antique.
\nWhile in Paris she got
\nA crystal piss pot,
\nSo she now takes a leak in Lalique.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nBob Turvey: <\/p>\n
A woman who fancied a Greek,
\nStole into his garden last week.
\nHe said, \u201cI can see
\nYou are taking a pea.\u201d
\nAnd she said, \u201cNo. I\u2019m taking a leek.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nDane Paulsen: <\/p>\n
My mustache is wide and quite thick,
\nSo the corners aren\u2019t easy to lick.
\nWhen it\u2019s freezing and bleak
\nAnd my nose starts to leak,
\nMy stache-cycles hang past my dick.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n
It\u2019s true, I can\u2019t swallow a leek;
\nIt could stay in my mouth for a week.
\nThis practice is fine
\nWhen in private I dine,
\nBut in public, it takes too much cheek.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nBrian Allgar: <\/p>\n
Our cat ate my goldfish, the sneak!
\nBut I fooled the damned pussy this week.
\nShe caught one again,
\nTook one bite, yowled with pain \u2013
\nI\u2019d bought a glass fish by Lalique.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nLisi Nortman: <\/p>\n
For vichyssoise, here\u2019s my technique:
\nPotatoes, of course, at their peak.
\nChicken broth and some cream,
\nThen imagine a stream
\nTo remember you must add a leek.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nBrian Allgar: <\/p>\n
I was making some bubble-and-squeak,
\nWhen my wife said \u201cI wish you would speak
\nIn a less vulgar way!\u201d
\nI had happened to say
\n\u201cThere\u2019s no cabbage \u2013 I\u2019ll just take a leek.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nTerry Marter:<\/p>\n
As the planet gets hotter each summer,
\nPollies spew CO2 and seem dumber.
\nIt\u2019s the bullshit they speak,
\nWhile they silently leak
\nMore methane. We\u2019re doomed!\u2013 What a bummer!<\/p><\/blockquote>\nMark Totterdell:<\/p>\n
Cock-a-Leekie\u2019s no cause for submission
\nTo the care of a trusted clinician.
\nIt\u2019s a soup that\u2019s unique,
\nMade from chicken and leek,
\nNot an older man\u2019s penile condition.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n
Upon testing the broth, Chef cried, \u201cEek!
\nWho among you has made my soup reek?!\u201d
\nWhen the whole stinking mess
\nThen got spilled to the press,
\nAlthough pressed, none confessed to the leek.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nHONORABLE MENTIONS (COMPLAINTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)<\/p>\n
Tim James: <\/p>\n
A concupiscent woman named Trask
\nTook her clueless young boyfriend to task:
\n\u201cYou don\u2019t know very much
\nAbout where you should touch.
\nIf you need some directions, just ask!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n
When a guy likes to argue and wrangle
\nOver topics too vague to untangle,
\nIf he claims his mystique
\nStems from being oblique,
\nYou can bet he\u2019s a guy with an angle.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nDave Johnson: <\/p>\n
She said to the manager, Shane:
\n\u201cI am not really one to complain,
\nBut your wait-staffer spilled
\nAs my wine glass was filled;
\nAnd gave me the look of this stain.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nChristine Frier: <\/p>\n
To get an appointment, it\u2019s weeks?
\nMy body has creaks, and it squeaks.
\nThe complaint that\u2019s the worst,
\nI should have said first.
\nThat e-ver-y orifice leaks!<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n
A stoic was hit by a train,
\nThen dragged through the rain by a chain,
\nLimbs askew, black and blue,
\nHe was asked \u201cHow are you?\u201d
\nHis simple reply: \u201cCan\u2019t complain.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nRudy Landesman: <\/p>\n
My beagle named Bagel won\u2019t fetch.
\nShe\u2019s just a cantankerous wretch.
\nAll day in the park
\nShe\u2019ll sit there and bark.
\nOy vey! Where\u2019d that bitch learn to kvetch?<\/p><\/blockquote>\nLisi Nortman: <\/p>\n
Thanksgiving is coming; it\u2019s wise
\nTo avoid all those real yummy pies.
\nIf you don\u2019t, you will whine,
\n\u201cThough the sweets were divine,
\nThey seem to have fused with my thighs.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nTerry Marter:<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a man of few words: You\u2019re a HON!
\nLet’s have sex now \u2013 I want you \u2013 a ton!\u201d
\nAfter one moment\u2019s pause
\nShe said \u201cMy place or yours?\u201d
\nHe said \u201cQuibbling!? \u2013 Forget it! \u2013 I\u2019m Done!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nSjaan VandenBroeder: <\/p>\n
\u201cTrick or Treat\u201d at our neighborhood coven
\nIs the day for their annual love-in.
\nBut one hitch makes me bitch \u2014
\nIt\u2019s that witch with the glitch
\nAlways itching to light up the oven.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nTony Holmes: <\/p>\n
\u201cI am loath to complain…, but here goes:
\nI object to you picking your nose.
\nAvoid contact with snout
\nWhen you\u2019re peeling a sprout,
\nAnd the same holds for picking your toes.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nDavid Friedman: <\/p>\n
A sad married couple from Sonnet
\nSought couns’ling to do work upon it:
\n\u201cI know,\u201d the man said,
\n\u201cHer complaint is in bed,
\nBut I can\u2019t put my finger quite on it.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\nTerry Marter, for his “Philosophical Physics Test”<\/p>\n
An imagin’ry eel\u2019s dropped in batter:
\nFind displacement and calculate spatter.
\nDon\u2019t \u2018Ethics\u2019 appeal.
\nThis eel isn\u2019t real;
\nIt will writhe and will reel, \u2013 but won\u2019t “matter.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\nGennadiy Gurariy:<\/p>\n
The complaint is an art and a science,
\nA lackluster form of defiance.
\nSo go find your victim,
\nDeliver your dictum,
\nThen pester him into compliance.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nRudy Landesman:<\/p>\n
I\u2019d booked an exotic vacation
\nAt a gay S&M destination.
\nBut damn! What a bummer!
\nThey shut down last summer.
\nGotta settle for self-flagellation.<\/p><\/blockquote>\nCongratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.<\/p>\n
In the next couple of minutes I\u2019ll be posting a new Limerick-Off<\/a>, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.<\/p>\n