{"id":40456,"date":"2018-06-09T23:06:19","date_gmt":"2018-06-10T03:06:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/?p=40456"},"modified":"2018-06-09T23:40:08","modified_gmt":"2018-06-10T03:40:08","slug":"limerick-off-award-299","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/2018\/06\/09\/limerick-off-award-299\/","title":{"rendered":"Limerick-Off Award (299)"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off<\/a>. <\/p>\n

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR,<\/a> who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:<\/p>\n

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
\nBefore reaching a small desert isle.
\nThree huge natives appeared,
\nAnd the mariner feared
\nFor his life, till one said with a smile:<\/p>\n

\u201cThough we used to be cannibals \u2013 vile!
\nHuman flesh is no longer our style.
\nSo Fee, Fo and Fum
\nWon\u2019t be eating you, chum \u2026
\nBut I\u2019m sorry to say Grandpa Fi\u2019ll.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:<\/p>\n

As a father, he isn\u2019t so great.
\nHis own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
\nDonald said of his lass,
\n\u201cShe\u2019s a nice piece of ass!
\nWere I younger, we\u2019d probably date.\u201d<\/p>\n

Donald Jr.\u2019s a chip off the block.
\nHis divorce didn\u2019t come as a shock.
\n\u201cWhy not cheat like my Dad?
\nSurely I won\u2019t be sad,
\n\u2019Cause my next wives are certain to rock.\u201d<\/p>\n

Poor Eric\u2019s not brilliant, it\u2019s true:
\nHis deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
\nWhile his musings are lame,
\nHe\u2019s not really to blame;
\nHe inherited Donald\u2019s IQ.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred,<\/a> Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a\/k\/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar,<\/a> and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:<\/p>\n

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)<\/p>\n

Steve Whitred:<\/p>\n

Raising children is often a trial,
\nLike you\u2019re stuck behind bars for a while;
\nEvery birthday you ache
\nAs you search through their cake
\nFor a lock-pick, a key, or a file.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sharon Neeman: <\/p>\n

A black parent’s advice to a son:
\n“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
\nDon’t pretend you’re on crack;
\nNever carry a sack;
\nAnd don’t dare turn your back on a gun.<\/p>\n

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
\nDon’t let insolence show in your smile;
\nStudy hard; never fail;
\nGo to Harvard or Yale —
\nAnd you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)<\/p>\n

Mike Shulman:<\/p>\n

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
\nFancied footwear no matter the style.
\nHe\u2019d rub and he\u2019d sniff,
\nSave the flats as a GIF
\nAnd the heels as a video file.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Konrad Schwoerke:<\/p>\n

Philanderer Phineas Phial
\nIs a marathon runner from Lyle.
\nWhen this horndog is training,
\nHe’s never abstaining:
\n\u201cCuz a miss is as good as a mile.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Bob Dvorak:<\/p>\n

I write limericks once in a while,
\nTrying hard to elicit a smile.
\nWrote my best one last night,
\nBut a mischievous sprite
\nHacked my drive and deleted the file.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Byron Miller:<\/p>\n

\nWhen they find a new boy to defile,
\nPapal priests will line up for a mile;
\nThe occasional deacon
\nIs likely to sneak in
\nAnd leave with a devious smile.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Tim James:<\/p>\n

He got thrown into jail for a while
\nWhen they caught him at something quite vile.
\nIn a library nook
\nHe made love to a book.
\nYou could say he\u2019s a bibliophile.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Steve Whitred:<\/p>\n

\n

There\u2019s a quirk in my limerick style
\nThat\u2019s been irking me now for a while;
\nThey all scan pretty well,
\nBut they\u2019re blander than hell.
\nSo they\u2019re tossed in the circular file.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:<\/p>\n

Before you two walk down the aisle,
\nIn my shoes you would well walk a mile.
\nHe\u2019s a cheat and a louse
\nAnd a horrible spouse.
\nHave doubts? Check my private eye\u2019s file.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)<\/p>\n

Jean McEwen:<\/p>\n

Even though my kids don\u2019t start their day
\nEating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
\nFuck the dental technician
\nAnd rules of nutrition!
\nCount Chocula says it\u2019s OK!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dave Johnson:<\/p>\n

Her parents were gone for the day,
\nSo Alex came over to play.
\nBut they didn\u2019t know
\nThat Alexa would glow
\nAnd record what was coming her way.<\/p>\n

Then contacts were found on a list;
\nShe sent them the sounds of their tryst.
\nReactions were fast;
\nThe folks were aghast.
\nIf only they\u2019d cuddled and kissed…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n

My toddler\u2019s extremely cute,
\nAnd we\u2019ve never had any dispute,
\nBut she talks a blue streak,
\nSo for only one week
\nI\u2019d love a control that says \u201cmute.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n

Trump\u2019s parents, I\u2019m sorry to say,
\nAbandoned the old-fashioned way.
\nHe sucked on a dummy
\nInstead of his mummy;
\nThat\u2019s why he\u2019s a dummy today.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Lisi Nortman:<\/p>\n

\u201cTake it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
\nI\u2019ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.\u201d
\n\u201cThanks, the twins just like cheese,
\nBut our Gail\u2019s hard to please.\u201d
\n(To which he replied, \u201cWe\u2019ve got THREE?\u201d)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n

\u201cThis parenting sometimes can vex,\u201d
\nShe complained, \u201cwhen you find you\u2019ve had sex
\nWith your son. And it\u2019s sad
\nThat he killed his own Dad –
\nI have to say, Oedipus wrecks.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dave Johnson:<\/p>\n

With little ones out of the way,
\nThe parents decided to play.
\nThey later found out
\nThat the kids were about;
\nAnd Snapchat can ruin your day.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Tony Holmes:<\/p>\n

\nDad insisted, \u2018You\u2019ll do as I say!\u2019
\nI absconded the very next day.
\n\u2019Twas many years later
\nI found out that Pater
\nHad rigged things to work out that way.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Tim James:<\/p>\n

My son is a bully named Mitch.
\nHe\u2019s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
\nWhen I ask who\u2019s to blame,
\nDad says I was the same.
\nIsn\u2019t karma an absolute bitch?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.<\/p>\n

In the next couple of minutes I\u2019ll be posting a new Limerick-Off<\/a>, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.<\/p>\n

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter<\/a>. Thanks!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick: He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile Before reaching a small desert isle. Three huge natives appeared, And the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[62,104,84,3270,1192,1983,65,42,103,64],"tags":[5158,3115,4003,2578,4264,4465,5106,2538,5009,5018,4526,5096,5052,3342,3167,5145,487,523],"class_list":["post-40456","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-contests","category-limerick-haiku-seeds","category-limerick-award-winners","category-limerick-competition","category-limerick-contest","category-limerick-of-the-week","category-limerick-writing-contest","category-limericks","category-poetry-prompts","category-poetry-contest","tag-armchair-poet","tag-bob-dvorak","tag-brian-allgar","tag-byron-miller","tag-daphne-steinberg","tag-dave-johnson","tag-jean-mcewen","tag-konrad-schwoerke","tag-limerick-contest","tag-limerick-of-the-week","tag-lisi-nortman","tag-mike-shulman","tag-sharon-neeman","tag-steve-whitred","tag-tim-james","tag-tony-holmes","tag-writing-competitions","tag-writing-contest"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40456","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=40456"}],"version-history":[{"count":37,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40456\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40523,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40456\/revisions\/40523"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=40456"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=40456"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=40456"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}