{"id":39655,"date":"2017-10-14T23:01:57","date_gmt":"2017-10-15T03:01:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/?p=39655"},"modified":"2017-10-14T23:14:17","modified_gmt":"2017-10-15T03:14:17","slug":"limerick-off-award-283","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/2017\/10\/14\/limerick-off-award-283\/","title":{"rendered":"Limerick-Off Award (283)"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off<\/a>. <\/p>\n

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n

A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
\nCame to dread joyless hops into bed.
\nAnd so she went down
\nOn each fellow in town.
\nAnd that’s how things came to a head.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:<\/p>\n

On the naturist beach, he loves staring
\nAt flesh that the ladies are baring.
\nHe even makes passes
\nAt girls who wear glasses,
\nProvided that\u2019s all that they\u2019re wearing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ<\/a> and STEVE WHITRED,<\/a> who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:<\/p>\n

Fred Bortz:<\/p>\n

Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
\nIf my limerick’s not at the head.
\nPrepare for the worst
\nIf my poem’s not first.
\nYour friendly extortionist, Fred.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Steve Whitred:<\/p>\n

Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
\nYou should pick one of MY lims instead;
\nThey’re insightful and funny.
\nI’ll wire you money.
\nIgnore what that scientist said.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Fred Bortz:<\/p>\n

Mad\u2019s caught between two different tribes;
\nArm-twisters and those who use bribes.
\nShe can\u2019t win for losing.
\nThe answer is boozing.
\nAnd that\u2019s why our leader imbibes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred,<\/a> Will T. Laughlin,<\/a> Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz,<\/a> and Bruce Niedt.<\/a> Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:<\/p>\n

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: \u201cHEAD\u201d RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)<\/p>\n

Marty Gerendasy: <\/p>\n

“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
\n“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
\nThen she gave him a look
\nAnd said “Don’t be a schnook.
\n“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)<\/p>\n

Kirk Miller:<\/p>\n

Since faces should never be smacked,
\nMy friends and I made a nice pact
\nTo give noogies instead
\nOn the top of each head,
\nEven though it\u2019s a knucklehead act.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Neal Starkman: <\/p>\n

“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
\nAt least, that’s what I thought she had said.
\nI climbed into bed
\nBut, dammit, instead,
\nShe brought me a platter of bread.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:<\/p>\n

\nSaid Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
\nLet\u2019s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
\nI\u2019ll give you some head,
\nAnd I\u2019d love to get spread,
\nPlus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Tim James:<\/p>\n

A powerful media head
\nUttered \u201cRosebud\u201d before dropping dead.
\nSo for hours on screen
\nThey ask, \u201cWhat did that mean?\u201d
\nHere\u2019s a spoiler alert: it\u2019s a sled.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Steve Whitred:<\/p>\n

The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
\nTo her wooer, who’d just been misled:
\n“When I boasted, ‘You know,
\nI still blow like a pro,’
\nI was not at all proffering head.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Will T. Laughlin:<\/p>\n

The French executioner said,
\nAs he mopped up a puddle of red:
\n\u201cMadame Guillotine
\nMay be wicked and mean,
\nBut she really knows how to give head!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Randolph Wagner:<\/p>\n

An heiress flirtatiously said,
\n“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
\nWhen she found a poor knave,
\nShe indulgently gave
\nHim the shirt off her back and great head.\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jane Hoffman:<\/p>\n

To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
\nAnd with it eat one slice of bread.
\nThat\u2019s it for the day.
\nYou\u2019ll love what you weigh,
\nBut you\u2019ll never again feel well-fed!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dave Johnson:<\/p>\n

The madame quite proudly has said
\n\u201cMy ladies were properly bred.
\nAttentive and smart,
\nThey\u2019re well versed in the art
\nOf giving while getting ahead.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Suzanne Heymann:<\/p>\n

Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
\nAnd believe something’s wrong in your head?
\nHere’s a cure – sex and booze
\nAnd don’t stop! The good news?
\nYou will probably snooze or drop dead.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)<\/p>\n

Will T. Laughlin:<\/p>\n

I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
\nWho are \u201cplain\u201d \u2019til they take off their glasses;
\nPut that in your script,
\nAnd you ought to be shipped
\nTo remedial screenwriting classes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Brian Allgar:<\/p>\n

Said the Donald, \u201cI\u2019m YUGE! It surpasses
\nThe cock of your dreams! It outclasses \u2013 \u201d
\nThe hooker said \u201cYes,
\nBut to find it, I guess
\nThat I\u2019ll just have to put on my glasses.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sharon Neeman:<\/p>\n

My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
\nSolved both of his problems this year:
\nHe got three different glasses
\nFor meeting with lasses —
\nMartini, Old-Fashioned and beer.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Fred Bortz:<\/p>\n

The rat was a pervert whose passes
\nMade friends think he needed new glasses.
\nHe pursued the wrong genus–
\nDeclared, “For my penis,
\nThere’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Tim James:<\/p>\n

A fellow once said with a frown:
\n\u201cWearing specs makes me look like a clown;
\nBesides, you can tell
\nI see perfectly well…”
\n…Then walked into a door, and fell down.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dave Johnson:<\/p>\n

Fox News \u2013 where they sit on their asses
\nAnd blather voluminous gasses.
\nEach morning they\u2019ll drool
\nOver Donald Trump\u2019s rule
\nWith a pile that would steam up your glasses.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Will T. Laughlin:<\/p>\n

As nice as things tend to appear
\nThrough rose-colored glasses, I fear
\nThat it\u2019s time to dispose
\nOf those glasses of rose,
\nAnd replace them with glasses of BEER.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dave Johnson:<\/p>\n

With Lasik, I wanted to boast
\nGreat vision \u2013 much better than most.
\nIt was that way indeed;
\nBut now I\u2019ve a need
\nFor readers when writing this post.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Bruce Niedt:<\/p>\n

Guys never make serious passes
\n(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
\nSaid one spectacled cutie,
\n\u201cThey can\u2019t see my beauty \u2013
\nTheir heads are all up in their asses!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.<\/p>\n

In the next couple of minutes I\u2019ll be posting a new Limerick-Off<\/a>, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.<\/p>\n

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter<\/a>. Thanks!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off. Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick: A brewer’s wife, hastily wed, Came to dread joyless hops into bed. And so she went down On each fellow in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[62,84,3270,1192,1983,65,42,103],"tags":[4003,2374,2578,4465,3523,2281,3284,5009,5018,4658,3927,4763,5052,3342,4533,3167,3543,487,523],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39655"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=39655"}],"version-history":[{"count":24,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39655\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39692,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39655\/revisions\/39692"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=39655"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=39655"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.madkane.com\/humor_blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=39655"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}